MiSTed: A Christmas Plan
Roland Warner
a Star Wars Fanfic, "A Christmas Plan". Thankfully, it's nowhere near
as bad as it's predecessor, but it still reeks! Enjoy!
Roland, Merry TORCHAAA!, WArner
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[Behind the table, Crow is visibly shaken, running around in cricles,
muttering to himself in a nervous manner]
Crow: Mike! Servo!
[Crow continues to pace and nearly runs into Mike, who comes dashing
in, followed by Tom]
Mike: What is it, Crow?!
Tom: Yeah, what's wrong? You just called me out of counting my
underwear collection! I was up to Transformer set number 67.
Crow: Imma nervous! All this talk of war and crime and death and
bombs, I mean, how can we enjoy Christmas?
Mike: Well, you see, bad things maybe happening, but don't forget,
Christmas was made a long time ago-
Tom: Yeah, in the offices of JC Penny where-
Mike: No no, I do believe it was created by Clement C. Moore in that
overrated poem.
Crow: But that doesn't help! I'm saying, how can we enjoy Christmas?
Mike: Well, we could always look at some old photo slides of
Christmases past.
Tom: Why, that's a great idea, Mike!
Mike: Cambot, bring up the slides from our Christmases past on the
viewscreen!
[A title screen comes up, saying "A SoL Christmas" with little cutsey
Christmas stuff decorated around the edges.]
[The first image comes up, showing Crow with his wire-mesh fake mother
reading a book and looking happy.]
Mike: Remember the time your mother visited us for Christmas?
Crow: Ahh, those were good times! We stayed up late on Christmas
eve, talking about how Dr. Forrester first sent her up as an
experiment. It all seemed a little one-sided, but I still love her
anyway!
Tom: Um, what story is she reading you?
Crow: Oh, "American Psycho"! It's a family tradition!
[Mike and Tom jump back a little]
Mike: Ummm-kay, next slide, Cambot.
[The next slide shows the gang sitting around, decorating cookies.
Crow is covered in brightly colored sprinkles, while Mike's face is
littered in various toppings, while Tom is completely clean.]
Tom: Why, we have cookie decoration night here! Boy, that sure was
a lot of fun! Man, you guys were messy with the toppings, while I'm
all shiny and clean!
Mike: Yeah, ya short dooofus, because I had to decorate your cookies
for you!
Tom: It's not my fault my arms don't work! Next slide, Cambot.
[The next slide shows a red light flashing.]
Mike: Oh, that must be the Grinch, the Grouch and the Grutch calling.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is sitting in an armchair, with Brain Guy and Bobo sitting on
the floor, staring up at her. Her lap is covered n a quilt with a
book she's reading to the two on it.]
Pearl: And so his limbs were thrown one by one into the-Oh, Hiya
Mike, Tom, and Art! I'm just sharing some quality time with the kids
here. If you can't tell, the big day is almost here! I've made sure
to be extra sort-of-kinda-good. Well, depending upon how you judge
shrinking lab rats as good or bad.
Bobo: Read us another story!
Pearl: [Feigns hearing something] Oh my, is that Santa Claus?
Brain Guy: I doubt it, remember what happened last time he came here?
Pearl: Oh, be quiet! I paid the psychiatric expenses. Oh, speaking
of psychiatry, I've got a new Christmas fanfic for you, Mike! It's
called "A Christmas Plan" and, I'm quite pleased to announce it's a
Star Wars fanfic! [Her face develops a dark look] Merry Christmas!
*cackle*
[SoL]
[The slides are still showing. The current one shows the gang
panicking and fleeing with lights flashing.]
Mike: And this one shows us having-MOVIE SIGN!!!
Crow: I'm gonna be sick!
[*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@]
> This story may be a bit cheesy, but that comes from the bad
> combination of being both a first-time fanfic writer and a
> hopeless romantic.
Tom: A deadly combination!
> Oh, by the way, the characters in this
> story are not mine and I am making no money from this
> story. It is purely for the enjoyment of the author and
> readers.
Crow: [Author] They aren't mine, I'm just using someone else's
characters for my own evil purposes.
>
> A Christmas Plan
Mike: A Coruscant Christm-<shakily> oh god, my stomach just revolted.
>
> By Anonymous
Crow: By an author too shameful to admit his/her only love-life is in
their fanfics.
>
> Han and Leia have split up, and it's going to take Luke,
> Lando, the kids, and a bit of Christmas magic to get them
> back together.
Tom: Take a good gander, folks, this is about as much back-story as
we're going to get.
>
> Oh, man, he had really done it this time.
Mike: [Han] Maybe the skimpy gold-plated slave girl bikini present
wasn't a good idea after all.
> Han Solo sat in a
> chair as he agonized over this new problem. He and Leia had
> just had a terrible fight, (about what, he wasn't really
> sure) and she had left him.
Crow: [Narrator] Impotence, don't let it hurt the ones you love.
> *She's gone for good and I'm
> not getting her back oh Gods what was I thinking, just
> letting her walk out.* Han's thoughts were running faster
> than he could process them. One thing was for sure,
> however. He had one killer problem.
Tom: [Narrator] And he had one killer bottle of vodka calling his
name.
>
> "So she just left?"Luke Skywalker repeated. Han had, of
> course, told Luke about what happened immedietely and he
> had come over to talk to his friend.
Mike: Oh, so Luke gets to know what happened but we don't?
> "Yeah," Han said
> dejectedly, tugging absently at the corner of his black
> vest. "Han, old buddy, you screwed up big time."
Crow: [Luke] I mean that from the bottom of my heart!
> "Yeah, I
> know." Luke felt that Han really didn't need chatisement.
Tom: He got enough of that from Leah in the bedroom, rowr!
> He knew that he had messed up. "So how are the kids taking
> it?" Luke tried. "OK, I guess. They're upset, but they have
> a good reason. What am I gonna do, kid?" Han almost yelled.
Mike: You can start by hitting "Enter" after typing out a sentance of
dialogue
> "You could apologize," Luke suggested, "I'm sure she would
> accept an apology."
Tom: Ooh, tactful! Luke is a true diplomat.
> "No way," his friend said sharply. "She
> left, she's gotta come back and apologize to me." *Then,*
> Luke thought,*I'm going to need a really good plan to get
> these two back together.*
Crow: [Luke] And a really strong cuppajoe!
>
> "Why won't they just apologize?" Jaina Solo asked. "Yeah,
> why not?" Jacen Solo put in.
Tom: That's three votes for an apology, do I hear four?
> The thirteen-year old twins
> and their younger brother Anakin sat opposite Luke and
> Lando Calrissian. "Because," Lando grumbled,"they're both
> rock-hard stubborn." "It's not like their not upset over
> this, too," Jacen clarified.
Crow: Over *WHAT*?
Mike: Give it up, Crow. I doubt we'll ever find out.
> "Yeah," Anakin said,"Dad's
> been spending hours working on the Falcon." "And whenever
> we see Mom, she's working," Jaina added.
Tom: And when we see the moon, it hits our eye, just like a big
pizza pie!
> "I know they're
> upset," Luke said. "And that's why I have a plan to get
> them back together. But it'll take all of us working
> together to do it." "What's the plan?" Jacen asked eagerly.
> "All right. Does everyone know about the Coruscant
> Christmas ball?"
Crow: Oh god.
Tom: No! It can't be!
[Mike grabs his head]
Mike: The flashbacks! They're coming faster!
> "Yeah, we were invited," Anakin said.
> "Good. Now, first we have to get both Han and Leia to go.
> Kids, you have to convince your dad and Lando, you and I
> will convince Leia."
Tom: Someone tie down Dash and hide the Sexy Santa suit.
Mike: Okay, now I call, no more "I'm Dreaming of Coruscant Christmas"
riffs unless they are appropriately funny.
> "No problem, Uncle Luke," Jacen said
> with a grin. "Yeah," Anakin said, also grinning from ear to
> ear, "we'll just get Jaina to smile and give him the sad
> eyes."
Mike: [Jacen] And if that doesn't work, we still have the choloroform.
> Luke and Lando laughed. "Good idea," Lando said.
> "Yeah, Han could never resist that," Luke agreed. "What's
> the next part of the plan?"
Crow: [Luke] We all dress up in Ape suits and bury the Statue of
Liberty up its arms.
> Jaina queried. "After we get
> them to come," Luke continued, "we get them to go out onto
> the terrace together and hopefully things will work
> themselves out."
Tom: Well, either they'll end up with wocka-chicka music or The
Battle of Evermore.
> "That's not much of a plan," Jacen
> frowned.
Mike: Then again, no one ever said this was much of a fanfic.
> "You'd be suprised, Jace," Luke said thoughtfully.
> "Your parents really love each other, and in their hearts,
> they want to be together again. We can only hope that love
> can overcome stubborness."
Crow: So we're gonna do it by locking them in a room together with
several sharp objects and the Karma Sutra, and let them decide.
>
> Leia Organa Solo stood just in back of the door to the
> reception hall and thought,*What am I doing here?*
Mike: This isn't my beautiful house!
Crow: This isn't my beautiful wife!
> This had
> to be, without a doubt, one of the more suspicious things
> that Luke had asked her to do. Why had he and Lando nearly
> begged her to come? After all, they could go without her if
> they wanted.
Tom: And suddenly, they snuck up behind Leia and gave her the
biggest wedgie.
> But she had finally said yes. *Most likely,*
> she thought,*to get them off my back about it. But why were
> they so insistent? Oh, well. I'm here and besides, Winter
> took the night off already*
Crow: Spring's on its way over.
> The droid opened the door for
> her as she walked in.
>
> Han, Luke, Lando, and the kids stood in a group in the back
> of the room. Then the doors opened and Leia stepped in. She
> looked stunning in a long white dress with silver trim, her
> hair piled on top of her head.
Mike: She had become a well-dressed Marge Simpson.
> Then she noticed them and
> walked over. "Oh, hello Luke, Lando, kids, Han." The last
> name was spoken with cold disdain.
Tom: [Leia] I'm still upset at you for that unmentionable incident.
> Nonetheless, she joined
> the little 'group' and talked with them for a while,
Crow: [Leia] Now kids, just think of your father as the "Weekend
Dad."
> then
> crossed the room to greet dignitaries. After about an hour,
> the Correlian band began to play a song with a slow,
> romantic tune. Luke glanced at Han, then at Leia, who was
> now free, and decided that it was now or never.
Tom: Now was the chance to fire the caterer!
> "Cross your
> fingers," he muttered to his four accomplices, and with
> that used the Force first to prod them out onto the
> terrace, and then to shut the door behind them. He looked
> back at the others. Their fingers were crossed.
Mike: The audience was bored.
>
> Han walked out onto the terrace, although not quite sure
> why, and saw Leia standing at the railing, gazing at the
> stars. She whipped around and exclaimed,"Han!!!" They stood
> for a moment, each staring at the other silently until Han
> finally asked, "So, you wanna dance?"
Crow: [Han] Let's do the horizontal tango all night, baby!
> Leia, a bit taken
> aback, thought for a moment and then said, "All right." Han
> took his wife in his arms and began to sway in time to the
> music.
Tom: [Han] Do you believe in the hereafter?
Crow: [Leia] Oh yes.
Tom: [Han] Then you know what I'm hereafter.
Mike: [Shakes his head] Back to the Muppet dancing jokes again.
> Leia held a scowl on her face until Han shifted his
> gaze to look into her eyes, and all her pride and
> indignence melted.
Crow: She became an icky puddle of Leia goo on the floor.
>
> "Han, look.."
Mike: [Han] How can I? You clawed my eyes out!
> "Leia, look.."
>
> "You first."
> "You first."
Tom: "You First" the new Family circus gremlin.
>
> "OK," Leia said. "Han, look, I'm sorry. I really don't care
> who started that fight anymore, I just want it to end. I
> love you, and I'm not going to let a dumb fight get in our
> way!"
Crow: [Leia] Even though the author hasn't told me why we were
fighting in the first place.
>
> Han smiled. "I love you, too, Leia. And, actually, I was
> about to apologize myself."
>
> "Really?" Leia laughed.
Mike: [Han] No, you're still a big ugly nerf-herder.
>
> "Really," Han agreed.
>
> "I...," Leia began. But she was silenced when Han bent down
> and gave her a long, slow kiss that seemed to erase the
> past few days' anger. Suddenly, Leia pulled away.
Tom: [Leia] I really can save a bundle by switching to MCI!
>
> "So that's it!" she exclaimed.
>
> "What's it?" her husband asked.
Crow: [Leia] The author has been doing nothing but pulling this
fanfic out of his/her sappy butt!
>
> "Don't you see, laserbrain? All the prodding to come, the
> inexplicable urge to walk onto the terrace, the way our
> kids hung around Luke and Lando, that was all part of a
> plan to get us back together! When I see them, I'm doing
> to..."
Mike: And she's just now figuring this out . . . I vote for a new,
more observant leader of the "New Republic".
>
> "Later, you can kill them." Han smiled. "For now..." He
> bent down and resumed kissing Leia as snow began to fall
> around them.
>
Tom: Awww! Now they're gonna have hot make-up sex!
> THE END
Mike: Which will be saved for another sappy fanfic.
Crow: Let's go, you guys!
[Mike picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater]
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[A humongous wrapped present is sitting on the table. It practically
fills the entire screen and Mike and the bots are forced to enter from
in front of the desk.]
Mike: Holy night, Batman! That is one huge present!
Crow: Does it say anywhere who it's from?
Tom: It must be Santa! He did come visit us this year!
Mike: [Checking the tag] Yep, seems to be from Santa all right. Hmm,
the tag says to set "them" free at the break of dawn. Oh well, let's
get this thing open!
[Mike starts tearing at the wrapping when suddenly what's inside
breaks free and floats away.]
Crow: Well, whaddya know! 99 Red Balloons just went floating by.
[They all laugh nervously and turn to cambot]
All: Merry Christmas, everyone, from the Satellite of Love to your
Den of Love!
Tom: [makes wocka-chicka music]
Mike: [Taps Tom upside the head] Cut it out, Shorty!
[Gypsy comes in from the left]
Gypsy: And God bless us, everyone!
[Le Fin]
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!
"A Christmas Plan" was written by Anonymous and MiSTed by Roland
Warner
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc.
All
rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original
copyrights or
trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
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> Han Solo sat in a
> chair as he agonized over this new problem. He and Leia had
> just had a terrible fight, (about what, he wasn't really
> sure) and she had left him.