Fox's Trek fanfic MSTed (1 of 5)
ToyCarGuy
Fox (Spy Extraordinaire!) offerred up an original Trek fanfic for MSTification,
and I took the bait. This is my first regular MSTing; that is, I've done some
lo-wattage MSTings of spam quite a long time ago, but this is my first
full-length story. I look forward to your comments, and I welcome your
critiques and constructive criticism (but remember, this is my 'first time', so
please be gentle). Feel free to ask for reposts of you miss a part -- or I can
be e-mailin' you de whole t'ing, mon!
-ToyCarGuy
[Legals: 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' and all related characters and other
indicia are copyright/property of Best Brains, Inc.]
===========================================================
(Opening song, titles & credits)
(1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... dogbone)
(Bridge of the SoL; as Cambot pans back, we hear a hard-driving, grinding
synthesized guitar lick. Gypsy is seen at left going "Ah-ahah-aaah!
Ah-ahah-aaah!" We see Tom Servo at the console. He is wearing a black cowl,
yellow cape and white bodysuit.)
Tom: "Greetings, Netizens! And 'Welcome!' to another star-studded edition
of ... (booming) 'Spaaaaaaace Servooooo! Coast to Cooooooast!'"
(Music fades out)
Tom: "And now I-"
Gypsy: "Tom? I think my-"
Tom (aside, harshly): "Gypsy, please! Say 'Space Servo'!"
Gypsy: "Okay, whatever. But I think my part is over. Mind if I go do
something productive?"
Tom (annoyed): "Tch! Fine!"
(Gypsy exits left. Tom looks ahead and realizes he is still on-screen)
Tom: "Ah! Ha-ha! Yes, welcome! And now I'd like to introduce my band
leader and wacky sidekick...Crozak!"
(Cambot pans right. We see Crow sitting at a synthesizer keyboard. He is no
longer metallic gold but now is bright, minty-green in color. He is wearing
gloves, and a piece of cloth in a vaguely vest-like manner. He is not wearing
pants.)
Crow: "Yeah, hi, whatever."
Tom: "Crow...! Do the voice!"
Crow: "Huh? Oh, yeah..." (clears his throat, then continues in a gravelly
voice) "Greetings, Space Servo. You're looking particularly stupid tonight."
Tom: "Wha- !? Oh... Heh-heh; good staying in character there. Heh."
Crow (Crozak): "Thank you. Idiot."
Tom: "Yes, well... Okay! Tonight's guest i-"
Crow: "Hey, Tom."
Tom: "What!"
Crow: "Where'd you get the costume?"
Tom: "Oh. Remember that Batman costume I had for 'Zombie Nightmare'?"
Crow: "Yeah?"
Tom: "Well, I just filed off the ears and painted the cape and bodysuit."
Crow: "Oh, well that- Huh?!"
Tom: "So, where'd you get the keyboard?"
Crow: "I picked it up from some chick at a flea market. I think she said she
used to know Mike."
Tom. "Huh. Weird."
Crow: "And Cambot is wearing a welder's hood because...?"
Tom: "Completes the joke."
(Crow stares at Tom for a beat, then turns back)
Crow (dubious): "Okaaay..."
Tom: "So! As I was saying, my first guest tonight is the head writer and
lead actor on 'Mediocre Sci-Fi Theater 3000'. Say 'Hello!' to-
Crow (Crozak): "That's '*Mystery Science* Theater', you pinhead!"
Tom: "Right! 'Miserable Scientific Theatrics 3000'!"
Crow (Crozak): "Dope."
Tom: "Please give a warm welcome to Chip J. 'Michael' Nelson!"
('Crozak' plays a riff on the keyboard and mumbles something about names as
Cambot pans left, centering on the Hexfield Viewscreen. The HFVS opens to
reveal Mike Nelson. He looks very angry and is clawing at the exterior wall of
the bridge; he is moving about slowly, as if floating.)
Tom: "Mike! Welcome to the show! Are you getting enough oxygen?"
(Mike continues to bob and weave; Cambot pans back to Servo/Crow)
Tom: "Ha-ha! I say, Mike! Are you getting enought oxygen, my good man?"
Crow: "Um... Tom?"
Tom: "Shh! ...Uh, say, Mike... Big tenth anniversary comin' up! What've
you and the rest of-"
Crow: "Tom, where is he?"
Tom (angrily, aside): "Oh would you please keep quiet! And use the voice!"
(Suddenly, a hollow, echo-y 'tooong tooong' sound resonates about the bridge;
Cambot pans over toward the sound, which incidentally is coming from the
vicinity of the HFVS. We see Mike pounding on the exterior wall. His eyes are
very wide and his cheeks are puffed out.)
Tom: "Uh-oh..."
Crow: "He's not looking good, Tom."
Tom: "Uh ... Cambot! Back to me!"
(Cambot quickly pans back to Servo/Crow)
Tom: "Well, Mike, we'll get that oxygen probelm fixed in a-"
Crow: "Servo!!!"
Tom: "What!"
Crow (exasperated): "(Sigh) Where is Mike right now."
Tom: "Tch! He's right there!"
Crow: "'Right there'. And when the Hexfield Viewscreen isn't showing us,
say, a view of rocket number nine, it's basically a window, right?"
Tom: "Duh. Right."
Crow: "So Mike is 'right there', on the other side of the window."
Tom (impatiently): "Yes!"
Crow: "May I tell you why he's not getting enough oxygen?"
Tom: "Why?"
Crow (shaking with complete anger): "BECAUSE HE'S OUTSIDE OF THE SHIP
FLOATING IN SPACE, YOU STUPID GLOBE-HEADED MORON!"
Tom (taken aback): "... Well ...I mean ... but it ..."
Crow (startled): "Gaaaah! Look at him now!"
(Cambot quickly pans toward the HFVS. [Make-up FX] Mike's head is now round
like a basketball, and his hands look like big puffy cartoon gloves)
Tom (shrieking): "Omigod, I've killed him!"
Crow: "Mike! You hang on, honey, Crow's comin' to get ya! Servo, you are
*so* grounded after this!"
(Servo is sobbing and seems to be muttering something about a wrathful God; the
'Commercial Sign' indicator begins flashing)
Crow: "D'oh!" (He punches the indicator with his beak) "Folks, we'll be right
back. Mike, you hang on!"
(planet logo)
[Insert commercial for a series of movies which seem to have in common only the
slightest hint of a sci-fi or fantasy element]
(Floor of bridge of Sol)
(We see Mike Nelson's feet soaking in a tub of steaming water, into which Crow
is pouring more water. As Cambot pans up, we see Mike is wearing thick pajamas
and a very thick bath robe; the top of a hot water bottle sticks up out of the
robe. Mike's head is wrapped in a towel. He holds a thermometer in his mouth.
Cambot levels and pans back to bring Servo, sitting on the console, into view)
Tom: "So, uh, I guess old Khan was right: it *is* very cold in space!
Heh-heh!"
(Mike and Crow turn and glare at Servo)
Tom: "Heh-heh! ...Eh ...Ah, boy...."
(pause)
Tom: "Mike, look, it was a simple mistake. You know? I mean, I should've
have planned this out a little more carefully, maybe I shouldn't have tricked
you into that airlock like I did... But I just got carried away with the whole
'talk show parody' thing, and I apologize. Okay?"
(Mike takes the thermometer out of his mouth)
Mike: "That's okay, Tom. By the way, I've decided it's time to exact a
little more control over the movies, so I'm going to disassemble you and put
all your parts back in their original places in the ship."
Tom (shaken): "!!! But... But... Oh, I get it! You big kidder, you! Had
me goin' for a second there!" (Gypsy comes in next top Tom) "Huh! Yeah, like
*you* could ever figure out-"
(Gypsy leans forward over the console and opens her mouth; a thin, plastic
square object slides out onto the console)
Gypsy: "Mike, I've checked the ship's records and I did manage to find the
schematics that the Sleepy-Eyed Guy used to build Servo. I've
crossed-referenced them with the appropriate sub-system schematics like you
asked, and they're here on this CD-ROM for you."
Mike: "Thanks, Gypsy, I really appreciate that."
(Tom looks back and forth rapidly between Mike and the CD)
Tom: "Yaaaaagghhh!!!"
(Tom rapidly exits right)
(Mike, Crow and Gypsy begin chuckling. Crow walks over to the console)
Crow: "Wow, you really got him with that one, Mike!"
Mike: "Yeah; maybe he'll be a little less enthusiastic about talk-show
parodies from now on."
Crow: "Let's see what you got here...."
(Crow picks up the CD-ROM)
Crow (incredulous): "Win95 'Hover'!? Mike!"
Mike: "Well, what can I say? I'm just not into these modern, super-detailed
3-D games, and 'Hover' suits me just fine."
Gypsy: "I think the one with the stairs is pretty."
Crow: "Mike, 'Hover' is so lame..."
Mike: "Well, *I* like it."
(The 'Mads' indicator begins to flash)
Mike: "Oh, great. Crow, be a dear and get that?"
Crow: "Sure."
(Crow hits the indicator with his beak)
(Castle Forrester, interior. In the background is a large tub, steam pouring
out over the top. Pearl and Observer are poking each other in the shoulder, in
a 'You Do it!/No, you do it!" argument. Pearl realizes she is on-screen)
Pearl: "Ah. Shmelson. Rugbots. I wanna do this quick before Bobo gets he-"
(We hear a joyous whooping as Professor Bobo bounds down the stairs. He is
wearing a bathrobe. He begins dancing around the tub)
Bobo (singing): "Splish-splash, I was given a flea bath/Long about
Saturday night/Rub-dub, just relaxin' in the tub/Gettin' washed by that guy
whose face is white..."
(Observer begins to swoon; we get the impression that his face would be losing
color if it had any. Pearl helps Obs stay standing)
Pearl (to Obs, with huge condesending grin): "See? He wants *you* to wash
him!"
Observer: "W-w-well... How could I? I don't have a body, which means I
don't have any hands!"
(Obs gets a smug grin; Pearl grits her teeth)
Pearl: "Well, maybe you could wash him with your *mind*, then!"
Observer (shocked): "Uh...! But that...that would mean concentrating on
his ... on his ... locations...."
(Observer swoons again; Pearl holds him)
Pearl (to M&tBs): "Well, as you've guessed by now, Bobo has told us it's
time for his ..." (Grimaces) "...flea bath. And in the 'ape community', it's
customary to ..." (Rolls her eyes) "...bathe each other. So, supposedly one of
us has to-"
(She is interrupted by a squeaking sound. We see in the background Bobo
holding up a toy duck. He is still dancing around)
Bobo (singing): "Rubber Duckey!/You're the one!/You make bathtime so
much-"
Pearl: "Shut! Up!"
(Bobo quiets down, but keeps on dancin')
Pearl: "(Sigh) Your story today is... Um... Is... Well, hell, I have no
idea what the title is. But apparently the author is Fox Spy Extraordinare ...
or Ex-Jordanaire or something ... who also wrote a story entitled 'Wormhole'."
(SoL; Mike, Crow and Gypsy are snickering)
Gypsy: " 'Worm-' what?"
(Castle)
Pearl: "'Wormhole'"
(SoL)
Crow: "What '-hole'?"
(Castle)
Pearl: "'Wormhole'. 'Worm', 'Ho-' ...Ah. Cute. Brainguy, you wanna-"
(Pearl realizes Obs is still out; she jostles him awake)
Observer: "...Fourty thousand Quatloos! Oh... What..."
Pearl: "You wanna send them the-"
Bobo (in background): "Well, I guess I could get a pre-soak goin'!
Let me just get out of this robe here..."
(Bobo begins untying belt of robe)
Pearl (panicking): "Quick! Quick! Do it!"
Observer (grabbing his head): "Yes, yes, of course!"
(We hear a sort of jingly-jangly sound)
(SoL; lights are flashing and Klaxons are blaring)
Mike: "Uh-oh, we got story sign!"
(He hits the indicator as the 'Bots are running about. Cambot starts to pan in
on the main door)
Gypsy (exiting): "Ooh! I've got to get Tom!"
(6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... theater)
(M&tBs enter from right; Mike sets Servo in his seat)
> --------------------
> Author's Note- It would help your understanding of this story if you read my
> previous story entitled
> Wormhole.
Tom: "What?!?"
Mike: "You mean we were supposed to study for this?"
> However, I accidentally deleted it and lost all my copies of it,
Crow: "Oh, that's reassuring..."
> so here's what you need to
> know. A test pilot named Cary Miller is flying a new experimental craft
> when he enters a wormhole in
> Earth's atmosphere.
Crow: "Aw, cripes, it's a word problem!"
> Steve Rogers is sent intox the wormhole to retrieve
> Captain Miller. After waiting two
> hours the Air Force got nervous and sent in Captain Tom Cox in a new
> experimental helicopter.
Crow: "Aaahh, so our Airmen *do* know how to put their Cox in a-"
Mike: "Crow!"
> When
> Tom locates Rogers and Miller,
Mike: "Tom! You discoverd Roger Miller?!?"
Tom: "No, no, no; I discovered Rodgers and Hammerstein."
> he finds that he is in the Vietnam war and
> that Captain Miller is being
> escorted by American fighters to an aircraft carrier.
> Rogers is negotiating
> with the squad leader to release
> Capt. Miller. The squad leader gets violent and Rogers and Cox end up
> destroying the entire squad but
> not before Capt. Miller is shot down.
Tom: "What, these two goons blow away an entire platoon of fellow Americans
in the past? It didn't occur them once that maybe that would be a bad thing?"
> Capt. Cox save him.
Crow: "What, is that the Imperative case, or..."
>The three
> captains
Crow: "That's 'four captains', actually; Sisko got his promotion."
> then head back to the
> wormhole. They get back to the present and find out that their shooting
> down of the squad changed the
> course of history
Tom: "Duh! I can't say it loud enough! 'Duh'! 'Duh'! 'Duh'!"
ToyCarGuy, MSTie #72920;
Trekkie, 'Toon-head, Soup-head
"The suspense is terrible; I hope it lasts!" - Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder)
(Remove edy.milk from address to reply via e-mail)