MSTed: Brothers of Shotokan (2/2)

[Bryan Lambert]

And here's the rest of the Brothers of Shotokan MST.

<continued from part 1>

> Outside of the town walls , Chen was practicing for the days events. He was
>startled to see the long absent Gouki approach him , after all the rumors of
>the shotokan fighter's departure. It did not take long for a crowd to gather
>around the two fighters . Go ran up to talk to the still dumbfounded Gouken .
>"What is going on ? Is Gouki all right ?" asked Chen.

TOM: It did not take long for the grammar to confuse the reader. "Is the
sentence structure all right?" asked someone we've forgotten and lost track of
while someone else ran up and crowds mill around.

> "I don't know Chen . The last time we talked he swore never to fight again ."
>Gouken said to Go .Then all the talking in the crowd around Chen and Gouki
>stopped .Everyone stared hard at the two men and waited for one of them to
>speak .

MIKE: And to explain why the two of them had three names between them.

> "Chen . Now I challenge you to a rematch on account of your illegal
>fighting." Boomed Gouki .

CROW: Good strategy. He fights dirty, so punish him by fighting him again.

> "You offend me with these false accusations .Do you not know when you are
>defeated puny warrior . Go home to your whore of a mother where it is safe .

MIKE: I didn't think it was possible to be badly dubbed in writing.
TOM: Safe? In the home of a prostitute? This must be some strange definition
of the word "safe" that I was previously unaware of.

>If you fight me again I will show you no mercy ."yelled Chen .At this Gouki's
>face became even more sterner .

CROW: Watch out! He's getting more sterner!
TOM: Is his Pu Pu Platter getting cold?
CROW: Maybe it's a Pu Pu Pu platter, and he needs more sterner to heat up the
extra Pu.
TOM: It's the extra Pu that makes all the difference.
MIKE: First of all, that's Sterno, and second of all, this isn't Cartoon
Planet.
TOM: <singing> Oh, I once had, a beautiful sandwich...
CROW: <a la Zorak> That's why I'm EEEEEVIL! Muahahahah!
MIKE: OK, cut it out, you knuckleknobs. The story's starting up again.

> "I have come to fight . Do you accept ?"asked Gouki .
> "I accept . You are an ass Gouki ."said Chen .

MIKE: Ooooh, incoming!
TOM: Mike, what are the odds that anyone reading this even HAS the TV Food
Network piped into their room, much less remembers those annoying Dining
Around hosts?
MIKE: Er, slim to none? What's your point?
TOM: Just trying to postpone the inevitable badly-described fight sequence a
little bit longer.
MIKE; That's fair.

> "We shall see who is the more foolish." said Gouki .At that the two fighters
>began to circle each , each sizing the other up .

CROW: I'd say Chen's a 38 Long, unless he's Go, in which case I'd say 44 Wide.

> The Crowd stared on in utter
>silence . Then all of a sudden , Shen let out a furocious battle cry and
>charged Gouki .

TOM: In other words, he coughed up a hairball and put Gouki on his credit
card?

> But Gouki didn't move . As Chen got closer and closer the >crowd began to hold their breath for Gouki seemed to be unaffected by the
>whole situation .

MIKE: Plus, the whole crowd was going through a tunnel.

Then Chen flew into the air toward Gouki with one of his
>flying punches . It looked as if Gouki would catch the full force of the hit,
>but then out of nowhere , Gouki simply warped out of the way of the intended
>hit and behind the air-bourne Chen just in time to give him a powerful dragon
>punch .

TOM: Oh, yeah, I can see... the hell?

> The crowd was astonished .

CROW: They'd never read such a bad action sequence.
MIKE: Well, at least there weren't any Romulan fleets involved.

> Gouki had somehow teleported from one side
>of Chen to the other .

> Gouken was worried though . His brother was not acting like himself at all
>since his departure.

MIKE: Oh, come on, he used to teleport all the time around the house.

> Especially right now in the middle of this fight. Gouki's
>expression was full of anger and hatred . Gouki resembled a demon. Then Gouken
>was snapped out of his thoughts when he saw Chen had recovered and was now
>preparing to back on the offensive .

TOM: To back on the offensive? Good plan. Next he'll try to retreat forwards.

> Chen flew at Gouki again with his
>thousand kicks attack .

CROW: Well, it's actually about 800 kicks, but nobody ever counts.
TOM: Maybe he'll follow up with the Thousand Island attack.

> Even though Chen had speed which was unmatched by any
>at the tournament , Gouki was able to block every single kick .When Chen was
>through , Gouki sent himself spinning into a hurricane kick ,

MIKE: And Gouki has knocked himself out, and so he is the winner!

> which knocked
>chen off his feet .

ALL: Oh.
CROW: I'd guess shotokan, as a discipline, doesn't put nearly enough emphasis
on pronoun referents.

> Chen jumped back onto his feet infuriated . "Bastard!" yelled Chen . "You
>shall pay for this insult to my skill !"And with that Chen rushed Gouki for
>the last time .Gouki , seeing Chen's charge toward him , threw his hands at
>his sides and concentrated .

TOM: <huge belch> <as Gouki> Aah. Much better.

> In an instant , electrical enrgy buzzed around
>Gouli ,

CROW: A Groovy Gouli?

> surging around and through him . Then , in one motion , Gouki shot a
>red wave of energy at the rapidly approaching Chen . The young Kung-Fu warrior
>hardly saw it coming . The fireball hit Chen head on and threw his entire body >30 feet backwards . Chen's clothes were schorched and ripped to shreds .
>Chen's body was smoking . After a brief pause , a lone figure came over to the
>silent body , put one hand on its neck , and pronounced Chen dead.

CROW: Stick a fork in him and turn him over. He's done.
MIKE: Whoooooeeew! Gouki really kicked him up a notch! BAM!

>CHAPTER 12

> At dinner in the temple that night , Gouken couldn't help staring at the man
>who he used to know as his brother . He seemed to return normal after his
>fight with Chen earlier in the day ."Are you okay , brother ?" asked Gouken .

TOM: You haven't even touched your Chen!

> "I'm fine Gouken . Why do you ask ?'asked Gouki .

TOM: Well, it's just that you never roasted anyone before.

> "You seemed changed today . I am wondering , why did you take that man's life
>today . It is not the shotokan way to kill ."replied Gouken .
> "Chen had insulted me . He brought his own fate upon himself . Is it not the
>shotokan way to defend yourself against an attacker ."said Gouki .
> "I suppose you are right . Maybe you should rest up for now . Take a break
>from fighting for a while ." suggested Gouken .

MIKE: Kick back, watch some TV. Hey! Mortal Kombat's on pay-per-view!

> Gouki stared long at his brother for a moment in thought , then replied ,
>"Only the weak need rest ."

CROW: Oh, and really tired strong people. They need rest too.
TOM: So, on the seventh day, God was weak?
MIKE: Well, not weak as such, just tired out from laughing about that whole
Tree of Knowledge thing.

> Gouken was about to counter this remark

CROW: With a spinning hurricane kick! Whoosh!

> when the doors to the temple suddenly
>flew open and in walked a giant of a man and four servants behind him . The
>man had a completely shaved head and was at least six feet tall.

CROW: Michael Jordan?
TOM: Yul Brynner?
MIKE: Molto Mario?
TOM: OK, Mike, that's three Food Network riffs. You've hit your quota.

> He walked to
>the front of the room with the dignity fit for a king .

CROW: Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

It was quite apparent
>that everyone in the room feared this man .Zeku, who was sitting next to
>Gouken and Gouki ,leaned over to the two brothers whispered to them , "That is
>Tung-Kang from the shaolin temples , the champion of all the previous
>tournaments . He is cunning and ruthless . Many say he is the most dangerous
>man alive ."

TOM: Shaolin? So it's David Carradine?
CROW: No, the most dangerous man alive. He must mean James Brown.
MIKE: No, that's the hardest-working man in showbiz. They said cunning and
ruthless. It must be Michael Ovitz.
TOM: No, he's the champion of all previous tournaments. So he's Jean-Claude
Van Damme.
CROW: Ah, but it says he's Tung-Kang, so he must be Tung-Kang.
TOM: "I am Dr. Mung Mung and this is Tung Kang. He's all tongue."

> "The most dangerous ..." commented Gouki , thinking deeply about what Zeku
>said .

> Go , who sitting behind Gouken , leaned forward and asked Gouken , "Is that
>who I think it is . Tung-Kang ?"

> "That is correct Go ." Gouken whispered back to his student .

MIKE: Do you think they've established this guy enough?
TOM: Hm. Maybe a few MORE paragraphs explaining how he's dangerous and Tung-
Kang . . .

> Soon , Tung-Kang finally arrived at the front of the room and turned to look
>upon everyone . His look alone could melt the fighting spirit of even the most
>skilled .

MIKE: That's OK, honey, we can just cuddle.
CROW: I don't understand! My fighting spirit's never melted before, honest!

> "I am Tung-Kang , the most dangerous man alive .

ALL: WE KNOW!!!!!!!!

> I have traveled far to be
>here . I will challenge one man this year . He must have the spirit of a tiger
>and strength of a wolf . Is there such a man here who feels he deserves the
>honor to be defeated by me ?"boomed Tung-Kang .

MIKE: <Randy Savage voice> Or I will destroy your Earth!
BOTS: Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!
CROW: Agent Honeydew... grrrrrrw!

> The crowd looked around at each other , waiting for one of them to stand up
>and accept the deadly challenge . No sooner did the crowd start looking, than
>Gouki stood up among all the people . Gouki atood tall and looked Tung-Kang
>straight in the eyes . "I will fight you , and I will not lose ."said Gouki .

TOM: <singing> The eye of the tiger!!!!

> "You ?" asked Tung-Kang. "You are just a boy. You will never stand a chance."
> "We shall see Tung-Kang . I am not afraid of you ."replied Gouki .
> "So be it . If you dare ."

> "Enough talking Tung-Kang . Did you come here to bore me with words or to
>fight ?"asked Gouki .

TOM: Based upon the evidence so far? Bore us with words.

> "You have the spirit of a warrior . Interresting . I think I will enjoy
>this." said Tung-Kang .

CROW: Well, I suppose someone should, 'cause -we- certainly aren't.

> With the time for words passed , everyone proceded outside into the fields
>for the fight . Torches were lighted and a ring of people surrounded the
>battle ground .Gouki entered the ring and took out a piece of string from his
>pocket .

CROW: I'll tie it around my finger to remind me that his name is Tung-Kang,
and he's the most daaaaangerous man alive!

> Then he put one of his strands of hair on top of his head into a
>ponytail which stood straight up into the air .

MIKE: <falsetto> I'm 100 percent stupid!

> Then Gouki tightened his rope
>belt around his waist . Then Tung-Kang entered the ring .

TOM: <flat> You have started the last three sentences with the same word.
Consider revising.

> He truly looked like
>the most dangerous man alive to Gouki . Tung-Kang was taller than anyone
>present . The giant man worn a simple pair of black pants and no shoes . He
>wore no shirt and had a perfectly bald head .

MIKE: Wow. Such descriptive power. I almost feel like Tung-Kang is my best
friend.

> At that moment one of the servants of Tung-Kang carried a slab of stone into
>the ring and presented it to his master . The servant held it with two hands
>as high and far away from his body as he could . Tung-Kang looked at the rock
>for a second and then brought down his fist on to it . The rock simply
>exploded on impact .The crowd cheered loudly at all of this . Tung-Kang just
>stared at Gouki . But the young shotokan warrior was showed no signs of
>intimidation .

MIKE: You know, that paragraph isn't very good.

> "Now, let us fight , boy ." boomed Tung-Kang . With that the two warriors
>started to size each other up , looking for the other man's weak points and
>flaws . Gouken looked on in amazement . He could not believe the change in his
>brother . Zeku and Go seemed equally amazed at the young man's courage .

CROW: You see Gouki, at this age, your body starts to go through changes.

> Then Gouki ran towards Tung-Kang , dodged one of the big man's kick and
>punched him in his face . The larger warrior was taken back by this .

MIKE: <whining> Hey, you can't hit me, I'm the most dangerous man alive!

> Gouki
>had managed to break through his defense on his first try. Tung-Kang thought
>that maybe he had underestimated this Shotokan fighter's skills .

CROW: <as Tung> Hmm. Maybe I'm -not- the most dangerous man alive.

>But Tung-Kang never got the chance to finish his thoughts because Gouki had
>renewed his attack .Tung-Kang was prepared this time and easily dodged Gouki's
>intended hit . In return Tung-Kang made a flying uppercut which completely
>connected with Gouki . Gouki got right back on his feet and rolled under the
>feet of the larger man . Once behind Tung-Kang , Gouki sent himself into a
>hurricane kick which hit Tung-Kang off his feet .

TOM: Oh boy, another hurricane kick. Whee.

> Tung-Kang jumped to his feet and started concentrating all of his energy into
>his hands .

CROW: Hey, that's dirty!

> Energy started to fill the hands of Tung-Kang . Gouki saw all of
>this coming and he too began to power up all his energy into his hands.
>Tung-Kang and Gouki sared at each other from across the battlefield, both
>putting all thier power into massive fireballs . Then , at the same moment,
>they shot their projectiles at each other .

ALL: Eeewwwww!
CROW: This fanfic's got a money shot!!!
MIKE: How would -you- know about that?

> The shockwave of the two
>energywaves colliding threw both opponents onto their backs . The collsion of >the two energy waves light up the entire valley like lightning.

TOM: Zerolow: Master of Metaphor.

>Tung-Kang was astonished . Never before had anyone ever matched his energy
>wave . This boy was indeed worthy of facing him . Tung-Kang renewed his fight
>with new enthusiasm and rushed toward Gouki . But no sooner than Tung-Kang got
>close enough to hit Gouki than the young warrior dissappeared . Tung-Kang was
>amazed again . This man can also disappear into thin air .

CROW: Ah, but can he disappear? Into thin air? Perhaps vanish?
MIKE: Someone buy the author a big, heavy thesaurus and break his typing
fingers with it.

> Tung-Kang then
>turned around just in time to see the boy jumping towards him from behind .

TOM: Gee, they're fighting in a single plane. This isn't a videogame fanfic,
nosiree.
CROW: Well, at least it's not a Tobal $1 fanfic. Imagine all the descriptions
of exciting sideways stepping.

>In mid-air Gouki was not preparing a flying kick or punch .

MIKE: Nor was he preparing a garden salad.

> Instead he was
>forming another fireball . Tung-Kang did not have enough time to move out of
>the way . Gouki shot a second fireball at Tung-Kang from mid-air . The
>projectile hit Tung-Kang square in the face and knocked him backwards .

CROW: The glowing bar above his head diminished by 42 percent. A disembodied
voice from the nether realms cried out, "Excellent!"
MIKE: Let's not give Zerolow any ideas, OK, Crow?

> This time Tung-Kang took some time to stand back up . The last hit had almost
>knocked him out . The giant man was determined not to let this upstart get the
>better of him . After getting himself back onto his feet , Tung-Kang decided
>to initiate his most powerful flying kick at Gouki .

TOM: Tung called a break in the match so he could visit a video game FAQ
site.
CROW: "You dishonor Shotokan with your so-called 'move list'!"

> After a brief pause
>Tung-Kang put all the rest of his strenght into his legs and lept forward
>toward Gouki . But Gouki again seemed not to take notice of the incoming
>attack . It was then that Tung-Kang realized what was about to happen . Gouki
>dissappeared again and Tung-Kang fell on his face , all his energy spent .

MIKE: Once again, ewwww.
CROW: Gouki just hates it when Tung rolls over and goes to sleep right after a
fight.

> With what was left of his strength ,

CROW: Hey! I call no way! It just said all his energy was spent!

> Tung-Kang stood up and looked at Gouki .
>It was then that Gouki , held out his fist , paused for a minute ,and flew at
>Tung-Kang with the most powerful Dragon Punch ever released. The mere impact
>of the hit sounded through the valley like thunder . Tung-Kang flew through
>the air and landed on his head . Nobody rushed out to check the body . There
>was no doubt in anyone's mind . Tung-Kang had been destroyed.

ALL: <bored> Yayyyyy.

>Gouki was now the most dangerous man alive .

MIKE: <yelling> Until next year, when we bring you the Most Dangerous Man
Alive Tournament, LIVE ON PAY-PER VIEW!!!!

> But no sooner than Tung-Kang body came to rest on the ground than his four
>servants rushed toward Gouki with knives . Gouken , Zeku , And Go wasted no
>time coming to their friend's aid . Go Hibiki reached one of the servants
>first and threw his spinning hurricane kick at the man . The attack hit and
>the servant was knocked out . Zeku reached one of the servants next and
>performed a very peculiar move on the man with a knive . Zeku flipped
>upside-down over the servants head , grabbed the man's waist , thaen flipped
>again holding the man and smashed the weakling's head into the ground .

TOM: Oh, great. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present, for your edification,
"Zerolow's Favorite Street Fighter Moves He Couldn't Squeeze Into Any
Previous Fight".

>Gouken reached the last two servants . Gouken simply hit the first one with a
>flaming hurricane kick and finished the second one off with an exceedingly
>strong hadoken .

> The battle finally was over . Tung-Kang , the most dangerous man alive was
>killed at the hands of the new champion , Gouki .

TOM: So he was only sort of dangerous.
CROW: Well, at least that's settled. Let's go, guys.

>CHAPTER 13

CROW: Oh, no!

> The next morning Gouki woke up before Gouken and Gouken's new student, Go ,
>who would be returning to Japan with them . Gouki decided to go out and train
>a bit before his departure to finally return home to his love.

CROW: Love! What love! All we've seen in this story is guys named Go or Gou,
hurricane kicks, spent energy, spinning hurricane kicks, <breaking down>
dragon punches, flaming <sob> hurricane kicks! Where is the love!

> As Gouki walked
>out to his morning excercises he reflected upon the past week's events .

ALL: NOOOOOOOO!
TOM: Don't recap. Please don't recap. Please don't recap.

>The man named Ashura had not lied . He really had shown Gouki how to be the
>greatest warrior through releasing his anger . But everything Ashura said went
>against Master Goutetsu's teachings . Gouki knew that one day he would have to
>choose between one of the teachers for he could not follow them both . For now
>he would return to Goutetsu, cause he had given his word to the old man that
>he would return . There was also Mai , who was waiting for him .

MIKE: Oh, yeah. It's always that easy to turn away from the dark side.
CROW: Well, it was that easy for Darth Vader.
TOM: And it was that easy for Luke Skywalker at the end of all those books.
MIKE: Well, yeah, but normally it's not that easy.

> Ashura had shown Gouki the warp that had made Gouki so formidable in the past
>fights . Ashura had also shown Gouki the violent air smash hadoken . Could it
>be that Master Goutetsu was truly keeping these teachings from Gouki so that
>he would never become too powerful . One thing was sure to Gouki though . He
>had to find out . For now he would return to Goutetsu , but Gouki would also
>return to Master Ashura too.

TOM: So, since he can't follow them both, he's going to return to them both
and follow them both so he can decide which one to follow because he
can't follow them both??? <Tom's head explodes>.
MIKE: Oh, no, not again.
CROW: <Mortal Kombat> Fatality.

> Only then could he decide between the two
>masters .Ashura had told Gouki that all he must do to find him was to go to
>the village at the foot of Mount Takashi . There on the mountain's side, Gouki
>would find the last Messatsu Master .

CROW: This story was written by a Messatsu master.

> Then Gouki reached the fields outside the town where last night he had won
>the title of grand champion .Gouki stopped , put himself in the official
>shotokan ready stance , And flew into a powerful Dragon Punch while yelling ,
>"Shoryuken!"

TOM: <shaking head> What happened?
CROW: Oh, not much. We just had the allegedly inspiring and impressive
karate...
MIKE: Shotokan.
CROW: All right, -shotokan- move ending. Freeze frame on Gouki in mid-air,
fade to black, roll credits, cue "Eye of the Tiger". Let's go.

> TO BE CONTINUED .....

ALL: AAGH!

>Look forward to Episode 2:The Seduction of Gouki and Episode 3:The Destiny of
>a Warrior

ALL: NO!

> THE END OF EPISODE ONE

<1..2..3..4..5..6>

On the SOL bridge, Tom and Crow have donned bathrobes and are facing each
other. Mike stands behind the pair, holding up a colored bar of cardboard in
each hand.

CROW: I am Goucrow, the most dangerest man alive!
TOM: Ah, but I am Tom-Kang, the even moster dangerestest man alive!
MIKE: <a la Mortal Kombat announcer> Fight!

Crow and Tom hop back and forth for a while, emitting vague karate noises,
while Mike counts down quietly from 30. When he reaches zero, he takes the bars
away.

TOM: Hey, put our power bars back!
MIKE: OK, that'll be fifty cents each. And no tokens, either.
CROW: What a gyp. <Mads light blinks>

<Deep 13>

DR. F: <sitting at a keyboard, typing furiously> How could this happen! This is
a disaster!
PEARL: You should have listened to your mother, Clayton.

<SOL>

CROW: What happened? Problem with the fighting game?

<D13>

DR. F: Just weeks away from production, and now 3D fighters are all the rage.
Tekken. Tohshinden. Tobal. Killing Zone. Whoop-de-... anyway, I've got
some serious coding to do <bolts down can of Jolt>. I don't have time
for this.
PEARL: <flipping through magazine> Oh, look, Clayton. Namco Museum is at
number 2 on the sales chart. I told you so.
DR. F: MOTHER!!!!

<fwoosh>

This MSTing is satire/parody/whatever. No personal attack is intended on
the author(s), honestly. I'm sure if I'd seen the other chapters, all would have
been made clear. Anything's funnier taken out of context.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. I'm
assuming the SF2 characters are copyright Capcom, but that really wasn't my
fault. As for the editorial, I got it off of Dejanews, so if it was posted once,
I'm assuming it can be posted again.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc., Capcom, or their various parent corporations is intended or should
be inferred. It's all in good fun, so don't sue.

---------Bryan-Lambert-(bryan...@theonramp.net)-----------
Brak Fact #4: Brak's drivin' down Highway 40 in his big
old pickup truck!
----------------RATMM's-Official-Biggest-Wuss---------------