MiSTing: Battle Arena Toshinden (4/4)

[Matthew R Blackwell]

<Coming soon from Warner Brothers...

v.o.: They were three youngsters off on the experience of a lifetime.

One was interested only in taking pictures.
One was interested only in women.
One was interested in having a good time.

They had an idea to travel and film endangered species before they
disappeared entirely from the planet...

[The scene shifts to the interior of the Satellite of Love. Tom Servo
and Crow stand before Mike. Cambot is there too. Someone unseen is
filming.]

Tom : So Mike, can we take the car and drive across North America and
film endangered species before they all disappear?
Crow: Yeah Mike! Can we?
[Cambot wobbles up and down as if nodding. ]
[Mike nods at their words as if giving them serious consideration. He
then speaks.]
Mike: Well guys, I think it's great that you want to go out and do
that...,
[Mike tilts his head up to the ceiling as he continues to speak. The
bots, however shout "Hurray!" and rush off the bridge.]... but there's
a few slight problems. One, we're in space. Two, we're floating over
Camping World, not Earth. I...well, blew that up, remember? Three: we
don't have a car. Four...
[In the background, a car's engine starts up, and we hear the squeal
of tires. Mike looks down from the ceiling and looks around.] Guys?
Guys? Sigh. Gypsy....

Vo: So, the three set out on their journey...

[Inside a cave: ]
Crow: We're surrounded by sleeping bears!
Tom: That's okay. I'm sure that the Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts will
take care of them.
[They stand quiet for a moment then....]
Bots: [In unison] AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! [Cambot shakes back and forth.]

Vo: And while they travelled, they also grew up a little...

[The bots stand on a beach, talking to someone off screen.]
Tom: Say. Are you sure that this is a nude beach?
Mitchell: [Removing shirt] It is now...

Vo: It's Warner Brother's and Gramercy's Wild America 3000! Coming
soon to a theatre. >

1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SoL: Mike, Tom and Crow are surrounded by meowing tabbles. Crow is
staring straight at the camera with a confused look on his face.]
Crow: Mike? Servo? Were we just in a trai...
Mike: Never mind Crow! Gypsy! Is that anti-tabble program ready?
Tabbles: MEOW!!
Gypsy: [Offscreen] I'm working on it....
Tabbles:
M M EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOO W W W
MM MM E O O WWWW
M MM M EEEEE O O W W
M M M E O O WW
M M EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOO W W
Crow: Mike! They're starting to do really bad ASCII art!
Mike: Gypsy!! Hurry up!!

Meanwhile on Camping World:
[Observer is pacing in front of the fire while Bobo sits toasting a
bannana.]
Observer: There are no cats. There are no cats. Oh why must I be
tormented so?!! The suspense is unbearable. I most know whether or not
my vengeance has been achieved. And that cruel mocking of me by those
insipid bipeds must end! Torment me with visions of felines, will
they..? I must know what they're up to...
Bobo: You could just watch them on the observation screen.
[The Observer looks up, with a look of enlightenment]
Observer: Yes. Of course! The auxiliary uplink. I'm glad that I
thought of it.
[He turns towards Bobo and stares for a second, then turns away in
disgust.]
Never mind. There's nothing there to affect.
[The Observer turns on the screen. The scene shifts to the bridge of
the SoL where a fierce battle with the tabbles is occurring. Mike and
the bots can be heard, but not seen from the screen's viewpoint. Large
tufts of fur fly by the screen, as do occasional tabbles. Shouts of
Hi-Keeba! can be heard, as can constant Meows, shouts of "I'm Huge!"
and "Viva Sparky!" The Observer watches for a moment, blinks, blinks
again, then slowly reaches over and turns off the screen.]
Observer: [Softly and deliberately> I think I'll go for a walk.
Bobo: Have fun! o/~ Oh Mickey. Como estas. Como estas, me gustas
mas...o/~

SoL:
[The fight continues]
Mike: Gypsy! We need a solution! [aside] Boy, all that Doom is coming
in useful here...
Gypsy: [Offscreen] Mike, I think that I can modify the Censormatic
5000 to interact with the tabbles, but it'll take a while.
Mike: Okay Gypsy, but hurry. [The lights begin to flash. Keep them out
of the theater!
Crow: Say, how come Gypsy is smarter all of a sudden?
Mike: I downloaded the Gypsy 1.1 patch from the Gizmotronics web
site.
Crow: Ah.

6...5...4...3...2...1....
[Mike and the bots stagger into the seats. "Meows" can be softly heard
outside the theater.]

>[The scene shifts to a highway. Cars race by. A dune buggy. An ambulance.
>Several police cars.]

Mike: Breaker 19, is anyone there? Come on back truckers and talk to
teddy bear.
Crow: Hey look! It's the General Lee!
Tom: [Southern accent] Yeee-Hah! Them Duke boys won't get away from me

now!

>[Closeup on a female chest wearing a police badge.]
[The censormatic 5000 once again activates.]
>Female Voice: I don't buy any of this.
>[It becomes apparent that the voice belongs to Tracy, who is driving the dune
>buggy.]

Mike: So, this country's police officers dress like skate punks?
Tom: Must be New Zealand.

>[Inside the ambulance, Eiji and Kayin keep an eye on Ellis. The scene
>switches to a hospital room where Eiji stands over Ellis' body.]

>Eiji: Ellis, even though we were there for you, we still couldn't save you.

Mike: That's next on a very special episode of Friends.

>[Outside Kayin leans up against a wall. Suddenly a hand hits the wall next to
>him.]
>Tracy: I want some answers.

Crow: Football Practice! 42! The Tea Pot Dome Scandal! [sobs] I don't
know!

> Are you going to tell me what's going on?

Tom: Well, sister, sister, sister, there's too many of us crying.

>We've got reports of strange people in the woods near that circus. We've got a
>girl who's suffering from a poison that we've never even SEEN before. And
>even if I believe that bit about fighting a stray dog off, I'm betting that it
>wasn't your run of the mill street fight.

Tom: Congratulations. You've proven yourself to be more observant than
all of the scientists in all of the movies that we've ever been
forced to watch.

>[The scene changes. Gaia stands on a hill. Ellis gets shot again in a
>flashback.]

Mike: Wow. A Peter Gabriel video.

>[Back in the hospital, Ellis is in a coma. Back across the street.

>Gaia stares at the hospital]
>Gaia: (vo) Take care of my daughter.
>[Meanwhile, at Uranus' mountain stronghold, Chaos is laughing hysterically]

Crow: I'm sorry, I was just thinking of a Herman's Head episode.
Tom: Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? There ain't no
body else here, so you must be laughing at me...

>[Inside the fortress, Chaos is wired to several monitoring systems]

Mike: I know Sci-Fi's here somewhere...

>Chaos: I'll kill you! I'll kill you! GAIA!

Crow: KHAN!!!!!
Tom: JEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!
Mike: All right you two...

>Uranus: You've done very well, Chaos. If I know Gaia, he'll be coming here
>any time now.
>[A hand reaches towards a button on a control panel.]

All: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mike: Dr. F?

>Gaia: Any time. But now, we've got the data on his fighting techniques now.
>Once we've loaded an opponent's data into you, any attack will be turned
>back instantly. [In the background scenes of Chaos' fight at the circus are
>playing.] That is the whole foundation of the man-machine project. Once we
>have an opponent's data, you will always be able to destroy him first.

Tom: Guess that they've never heard of GIGO.

>[Scenes of a burned out military base, in a grainy news-like footage.]
>Reporter: Appearing without warning, still unidentified military forces
>appeared without warning inflicting devastating damage on this military
>base. What is the enemy force that can lay waste to uncounted men and
>modern weaponry?

Crow: Tabbles?
Tom: The Soviet tank rush?
Mike: Pauly Shore?

>[The scene shifts to Ellis' hospital room, where Tracy, Eiji, and Kayin are
>watching the news report.]

Crow: This is boring. Is there anything else on?
Tom: Hey! How about that puppet show where they watch the movies?
Mike: That got canceled, guys.

>Reporter: (in a tinny, from the screen voice) And what, if any, are their plans
>for similar attacks in the future?
>Tracy: You, you mean ?
>Eiji: (Turning off the TV) Yeah. That attack was just a demonstration of the
>man machine project. The man trying to stop it is that girl's father...

Mike: ..Wilt Chamberlain

>... Gaia.
>Kayin: And now they're using Ellis here as a pawn, in an attempt to draw him
>back to their hideout.
>Tracy: Those dirty.

Crow: Dirty what?
Tom: Great, the Censormatic 5000 is working on the people in the
picture now.
Mike: Hey, maybe it's Gypsy's work. GYPSY?
Gypsy: [Offscreen] Almost there, Mike.
Crow: I'm afraid that Gypsy's been watching too much MacGuyver, Mike.

>Tracy:... Let's go crash their hideout. They're holding the antidote there,
>right?
>[Eiji's hand hits the wall. That's just the thing. We can't find the hideout.]
>Off screen voice: I know where it is.

Mike: (French accent) Latrine!

>[At the door stands Sofia. ]
>Tracy: Who are....?

Tom: ...The Thunderbolts?

>Kayin: It's you!

Crow: Susan! I've been desperately searching for you!

>Eiji: Sofia!
>Sofia: If you want to go, I will guide you.

Tom: Great. Suddenly we're in a spirit walking episode of Voyager.

>Eiji: But how do you know?
>Sofia: When Uranus took control of me before, I was able to see her thoughts.
>I know where it is.

Tom: Yep, Treknobabble. Now I know we're in a Voyager episode.
Crow: You know where her thought is?

>Eiji: Are you sure.
>Sofia: Yes. I am. It's like I saw. Everything. It's all there in her mind.
>Eiji: Good.
>[Kayin nods his head and smiles. The camera shifts back to Eiji's eyes, where
>it slowly fades out...]

Crow: Did they forget to dub some dialog here?
Tom: SLEEEEEPPPPP!!!

>[Outside, we see the sun against a blue sky. Suddenly, a motorcycle flies
>overhead.]

Crow: Great! Now they're ripping off Speed Racer! I'm out of here!
[Stands]
Mike: Crow, the tabbles?
Crow: I'm staying.

>[Eiji rides his bike down the highway. Behind him rides Kayin on another
>bike, and Sofia and Tracy follow in the pink dune buggy.]

Crow: (falsetto) Thelma? Do you think that the cops will catch us?
Mike: Okay, here's the possible Battle Arena Toshinden action
vehicles, for use with the toy line. Collect them all!

>[They drive for a few seconds until they see the hideout appear from around
>the bend.]
>Sofia: That's the hideout up ahead.
>[The camera focuses on Eiji's mouth.]

Mike: Just think what that would look like if the English invented
animae.
Bots: Eeewww!

>Eiji: All right. [Draws sword] Let's GO!!!!

Mike: Hey, ho. Let's go.
Tom: Mike, doesn't he need a baseball bat to beat on the brats with?

>[We see the thugs hanging out in front of the hideout's fence. The scene shifts
>to splitscreen. Eiji and Kayin draw their swords, swing and bolts of energy jet
>out to blow up in front of the gates. Eiji , Kayin and the dune buggy drive
>through the flames.]
>[Inside the control room]
>Uranus: That's a surprise.

Tom:... Garfield tricked Jon again. Heh-heh.

>.....Gaia launching a preliminary attack? Chaos, take care of them.
>[Outside, a ninja draws a sword.]
>Tracy: He wants us to fight them. Okay? Rear guard duty?
>[The buggy swerves to a stop.]

Mike: You know, you could have hit the ninjas with the car...

>[Tracy and Sofia jump out.]
>Tracy: All right! Who's going to give me a good fight?

Mike: You know, I think we just found Don King's next opponent for
Tyson.

>Sofia: (snapping the whip) If anyone cares to feel the tip of my whip, just say
>so.
>Eiji: (while he and Kayin jump over the ninjas on the motorcycles) We don't
>have time to waste on these pawns.

Crow: So, we'll just let the babes fight them.
Tom: Yeah, fighting ninjas is women's work anyway.

>Eiji: Don't stop until we get to Chaos and Uranus.

Crow: You'll need a spaceship for that last one...

>Kayin: Okay. (Looking ahead) Huh?
>[Ahead of them are more ninjas. These ones carry M16s though. They fire.]

Crow: D’oh! Guys! We should have brought guns with us.

>[Eiji and Kayin swerve, but the ninjas continue to fire. Suddenly..]
>Mondo: [Yells something>
>[A bolt of lightning smashes down into the ninjas, scattering them.]
>Eiji: It's Mondo!
>Mondo: (Carrying a spear) You could use some help.

Mike: I heard that you were having rabbit problems, so I brought my
spear and magic helmet.
Crow: Magic helmet?
Mike: Spear and magic helmet!

>[We see more ninjas. They blow up while something is shouted]
>Kayin: It's Rungo!
>Rungo: These guys are our enemies, just as much as they are yours! (He turns)
>You should have called.
>[A medieval armor wearing fighter on a horse rides through the ninjas.]

Crow: Huh? Who's this? Mike..?
Mike: Um, he showed up briefly in the opening credits...
Tom: He's just come in the Renaissance festival! Huzzah!

>Duke: EEEE-Yeah!
>[Fo hops into view, slicing ninjas.]
>Sofia: The honor of Toshiden!
>Duke: We can handle these guys. The two of you keep going!

Crow: (As scriptwriter) Whew. Now we don't have to write any more of
that demanding dialogue.

>..... If anyone's going to beat you, it will be me!
>Eiji: Duke.

Crow; Oh that, Duke. He's such a rascal.
Tom: Hail to the King, baby.

>Eiji: All right!
>Uranus: More and more appear to join the fight. But no matter how many
>oppose us, in the end there will be no match.
>Gaia: [From behind, off screen] However, they have proved to be enough of a
>distraction to your forces. How else could I have gotten all the way in here?

Mike: Well, besides posing as a pizza boy, and using the employee's
entrance.

>[Uranus wheels around to face Gaia. We also see Chaos motionless in the
>background]
>Gaia: It's been a long time, Uranus.
>Uranus: Gaia!

Crow: Hungry for life, thirsty for Gaia...
Tom: GAIA!

>[Gaia walks down the stairs. He's still carrying a huge sword.]
>[The Censor-o-Matic 5000 activates yet again.]
>Gaia: I cannot allow this organization to be used to satisfy your lust for
>power. Once I've killed you, I will retake my place as its leader.
>Uranus: Will you?

Bots: Meow! Hiss-hiss!
Mike: Guys? The tabbles?

>Uranus: That is far from certain. Can you possibly defeat Chaos?
>Chaos: [Rising from the chair that he's been sitting in.] Die Gaia!
>Gaia: (Low and threatening] What have you done to him?
>Uranus: Not much. He's merely entering the final phase of the man machine
>project.

Mike: Okay. Just so that you don't forget; The bad guy's plan is the
man-machine project. Got it?

>Gaia: Final phase?
>Uranus: Yes. The removal of all thought.

Tom: Ah. They're turned into a Gramercy executive.

>Uranus: A unit focused only on how to fight. The culmination of the man-
>machine project. Of course, he never knew that when we began...
>Gaia: You're not human!
>Uranus: Say what you would, but in the end, I will have the last laugh.
>Chaos! Destroy Gaia! Kill!
>Chaos: [Snarls.] Gaia die!
>Gaia: You poor creature. The least I can do is PUT YOU TO SLEEP!

Tom: No, no. You need to do the bit with the eyes, like this;
SLEEEEEEEPPPP!!!!

>[Outside, Kayin and Eiji stare at the two towers]
>Eiji: Now the question is, which tower holds Chaos and Uranus?
>Kayin: And which one holds the key to the Man-machine project? Looks like
>our only choice is to check them both out, isn't it?

Mike: Or you could call in an air strike, and destroy both towers.
Crow: Or they could interrogate a technician.
Tom: Or they could look on the map of the towers. See? It's next to
the Orange Julius.

>Eiji: We don't have much time. We'll have to split up.
>Kayin: Don't get mad if you pick the wrong one.
>Eiji: Right.
>Kayin: Take care, Eiji.
>Eiji: See you soon.
>[The two drive off into the towers. Meanwhile, back with the ninjas...]
>Sofia: We've got to hold them here until Eiji and Kayin return!
>Tracy: No big deal. This is just a light workout for me anyway.
>[Duke turns his head. Off in the distance, a set of forms nears.]
>Rungo: Something's coming:
>[Another set of ninjas approach, but these ones wear a different colored
>design on their masks. They also walk in unison.]

Tom: o/~ See the ninjas walking down the street. All in time, just
marching out the beat. They don't know, everywhere they go, they're
walking in time... o/~

>Sofia: Look, there's something very different about these guys.
>Rungo: No doubt they're the man-machines everyone's been talking about.
>Duke: Let's get them!
>[Back at the tower, ninjas attack Eiji on his bike as he rides up the outside of
>the tower.]

Crow: A riding path for vehicles on the outside of buildings. Huh.
Those Japanese think of everything.

>[Eiji dispatches the ninjas quickly. They fall to the sea, many meters below.]
>Eiji: Up ahead!
>[The scene shifts to a dark room. Eiji sits in the doorway, on his motorcycle,
>staring at the green colored vats around the room. Each holds a blob of
>protoplasm.]
>Eiji: What the...?

Mike: Oh no. He's stumbled upon the Alpha Complex Food vats. He'll be
Cold Funned to death!

>Eiji: It's like some giant incubator. But I cannot allow this to go on. Please
>forgive me.
>[Eiji slashes his sword. The vats blow up. So does the side of the tower.]
>Kayin: Way to go Eiji. (The sounds of clanging metal can be heard.) What
>was that?

Tom: Oh, that's just the foundation settling.

>[Up ahead, Gaia and Chaos are fighting. The two trade blows, then suddenly,
>Chaos delivers a nasty blow to Gaia's chest. Gaia drops to the ground,
>kneeling in pain. The two fighters stare warily at each other while Kayin rides
>up]
>Kayin: It's Gaia!

Tom: Boy, it's nice out today.
Crow: My, you're very tall.
Mike: So this is it. We're all going to die.

>[Chaos rushes towards Gaia. Kayin revs up the cycle and rushes towards
>Chaos, Chaos slices the cycle as Kayin jumps to the ground.]
>Gaia: Kayin, stay out of this!

Mike; I'm perfectly capable of getting killed all by myself, thank you
very much.

>Kayin: Hah. And let you take all of the glory yourself?
>Gaia: I'm afraid that you've come all this way, only to die.
>Kayin: What do you mean?
>Gaia: Chaos is much more powerful than he once was.

Crow: (Chaos) Excuse me. I'm right here. Please stop acting like I
can't hear you!

>Kayin: That's nice.

Mike: So he can kill me twice now?

>[Meanwhile, back with the ninjas...]
>Tracy: (While kicking a ninja) HONEY-LOO!

Crow: Honey...? Oh, skip it.

>Duke: (Ditto) CLAN CROSS! (While impaling a ninja) Huh. These guys are
>much more powerful now that they've got data on us.

Crow: What are you talking about? You weren't in the movie five
minutes ago!

>Rungo: But we cannot allow them to wipe us out because of it.
>Sofia: Right! Keep your guard up.
>[Back with Chaos]
>Chaos: Die!!!!!!!
>[Chaos slams his scythe into the ground, knocking both Kayin and Gaia to the
>ground, and creating a huge explosion, which Eiji sees from atop the other
>tower.]
>Eiji: Gaia. I chose the wrong one. No time to drive down then over there. (He
>straightens his headband) Sink or swim. Do or die!

Crow: Paper of plastic?
Tom: Smoking or non-smoking?
Mike: Closed casket or open?

>[Eiji then revs up the bike and jumps across the 1/2 mile gap between towers,
>ignoring several laws of physics. The bike doesn't quite make it, and Eiji
>jumps the last few meters.]

Crow: Sigh. Batman Forever.

>[The bike explodes far below]
>Kayin: (beaten and bruised) Eiji!
>Eiji: Yeah. All right, the star of the show has arrived!

Mike: But, he'll grow tired of the show and launch his movie career,
which goes nowhere, forcing him to appear on Mad About You to make
ends meet.

>Gaia: Eiji! Be careful. He knows what our moves are before we make them.
>Eiji: What's so tough then? Just give them something that they'll nenver
>expect.

Tom: Rubber baby buggy bumpers!

>[Chaos begins to stutter-port again. Eiji delivers a kick to the face]

Crow: Wow! An actual boot to the head!

>Kayin: Hey! That's my move! Gaia! Attack him using someone else's
>technique!
>Gaia: It's a temporary solution. Once he absorbs the data, we'll be helpless
>once again.
>Eiji: Well then, we'll just have to beat him with one big attack!
>[Eiji slices into Chaos]
>Eiji: You're a fool to assume that we'll do our moves the same way every
>single time!

Crow: [whining] But that's how it goes in the arcade...!
Gypsy: [Offscreen] Mike, it's ready!
Mike: Gypsy, let them in!
[Tabbles begin to enter the theater.]
Crow: Mike...
Tabbles: Meow!

>[Chaos staggers a bit. Then shouts incoherently and charges Eiji]
>Eiji: Kayin!
>Kayin:Okay!

Tabbles: MEOW!!

>[The two leap into the air and strike Chaos at the same time. Chaos flies
>back.]
>Kayin: Now, Eiji!

Tabbles: MEOW!! MEOW!!
Mike: Do it soon, Gypsy!

>[Eiji's sword starts to glow, and he charges into Chaos, striking him several
>times. Chaos explodes and drops several hundred feet to the top of the tower,
>where Eiji lands momentarily.]
>Eiji: That's check, and checkmate!

Crow: Yes, Chess does involve bashing people with swords and jumping
into the air.
Tom: And Bangkok.
Tabbles: Meow!

>[Back with the ninjas..... Sofia delivers a blow, and suddenly all of the man-
>machine ninjas disintegrate.]
>Sofia: Now! Who else wants a taste of my whip?

Mike: HIT THE DECK!
[As Censormatic 5000 begins to activate, Mike and the bots duck under
the seats. The tabbles begin to Meow, but the Censormatic 5000
attempts to quiet them. The tabbles meow louder, and the Censormatic
5000 attempts to compensate. The process continues to escalate until
the Tabbles and the Censormatic 5000 both explode in a spectacular
explosion. On screen, the ninjas and the martial artists are still
fighting.]

>[The crowd of ninjas flee.]

Bots:[Peeking up from behind the seats.] (Ninjas) Packers Lose!
Packers Lose!
[Mike also sits up]
Mike: It looks like the tabbles and the Censormatic 5000 are gone.
Crow: Let's test. BREASTS! Yep, it's gone.
Mike: [Head in hands] Maybe destroying it was a bad idea...

>Sofia: I guess something made them lose their appetites.

Crow: Hah! The Censormatic's really gone. Breasts! Do you hear me?
BREASTS!!!!
Mike: Maybe I can still repair it....

>[Back at the tower... The three boys kick down a door, only to face.. Uranus]
>[We get a close up of Uranus' eyes.]

Tom: SLEEE.......(Mike reaches over to close Tom's mouth) Ummph.
Mike: I think that's enough of that today.

>[The trio gasps]
>Uranus: That was well done. I didn't think that you could defeat Chaos.
>Kayin: It won't be long until we get rid of you, too!
>Eiji: Your man-machine project is finished. I destroyed your entire production
>plant.
>Uranus: (Giggling) The plant? All you destroyed was a small testing lab. The
>real production facilities are quite safe, I can assure you.

Tom: Yes, thanks to the wonders of INDUSTRY!, the maniac's evil
schemes of world conquest can continue!

>Eiji: It can't be!
>Uranus: You can't think that I'd really let you get that far? But you've taught
>me a valuable lesson here today.

Tom [Cosby]: Yes, Uranus and Mushmouth learned that plans for world
domination will only go so far.

>Uranus: I'll be sure to incorporate it into my next man-machine project [she
>holds up a computer chip]

Bots: Yumm....

>...along with this experimental data as well.
>[The chip, impaled by a knife, flies out of her hand. The trio gasps. Uranus
>turns]
>Uranus: Oh no!

Mike: You fool! That was the source code for Riven! Oh wait. I guess
losing that isn't a bad thing.

>[Standing in the doorway is Sho.]
>Kayin: It's Sho!
>Eiji: My brother!

Crow: Heir to the crown of Essex, head of the Starfleet Kids..
Mike: Wrong sibling, Crow.

>Sho: Uranus! I cannot allow you to make any more defective copies of me!
>Uranus: You'll pay! (An explosion is heard in the background and the room
>begins to shake) [Gasp]

Crow: Oh no! Delta Burke’s coming up for brunch!

>[Outside, the towers are sinking into the sea.]
>Sho: Before you ask what that was, I just blew up the plant. This building will
>collapse in just a few moments.
>Uranus: Traitor!
>[Things begin to explode.]
>Uranus: I'll make you pay for this! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! [She extends her
>wings and flies upwards.]
>Gaia: Uranus!
>[He rushes towards her, but is stopped by falling pieces of the ceiling.]
>Gaia: Uranus!
>Uranus: Soon Gaia, at the next Toshinden tournament.
>Eiji: Sho? Big Brother?! Where ARE YOU?
>Kayin: There's no time!

All: HEY!
Crow: Great. Now they're ripping _US_ off.

>Kayin: We've got to get out of here!
>Eiji: BROTHER!!!!!!
>[Outside the building begins to crumble. We see the man shaped crater left by
>Chaos. It's now empty. The buildings continue to explode while the warriors
>look on. Finally, the towers explode into balls of fire. All is silent for a
>moment, and then two shapes step out from the flames. It's Eiji and Kayin.
>The sun shines brightly overhead. The warriors begin to cheer as Eiji gives
>them a thumbs up]

Tom: It stin... Nah. Too easy.

>[The scene shifts. The warriors stand in front of a setting sun.]
>Eiji: Thanks to all of you. You really helped me out.
>Mondo: We were just paying them back for what they did to us.
>Fo: [Cackles.]
>Kayin: After all, we'll all be fighting each other again at some point.
>Rungo: And soon.
>Sofia: I'd like to take you on anytime.
>Tracy: Are you guys saying that you're not all friends?

Tom: Good thing that this movie's almost over. Her IQ's dropping like
the Cubs' post season chances.

>Eiji: That's right. You really can't call us friends. At least in the same sense.
>Duke: And the next time that we meet, we'll be mortal enemies.

Crow: Mortal enemies? Does that mean Christopher Lambert is gonna show
up soon?

>Eiji: That's right. In the Toshinden tournament.

Mike: No, I don't think I'll ever get over the Toshinden tournament.

>[Eiji stares off at the nearby landscape.]

Crow: (Eiji) Boy, I can't believe there isn't a Starbucks for 100
miles...

>[Back in the hospital. Ellis opens her eyes to see what first appears to be
>Gaia, but is revealed to be Eiji and Kayin.]
>Ellis: Father?
>Eiji: You're finally awake.
>Ellis: Eiji.
>[Time passes. Ellis is now sitting upright in bed, while Eiji and Kayin sit
>nearby. Ellis stares at a vial in her hand]

Mike: Sigh. Pineal fluid. When will they learn?

>Eiji: I'm sorry, but after Gaia gave us the antidote, he took off and
>disappeared again.
>Kayin: But don't feel bad. I'm sure you'll see him again soon.

Tom: [cough] Sequel. [cough]

>Ellis: You're right! I know he'll be back. I know it! I know it!
>[Outside, Eiji and Kayin walk away in separate directions. They stop and turn
>towards each other.]

Crow: Say, who was that waiter in that little restaurant in Paris?
Tom: Jean Luc!

>Kayin: Next time we meet....

Mike: You can be my wingman.

>Eiji: Then we'll see which one of us is really the best.
>[They walk off in separate directions. Above them, Gaia watches the
>exchange. The scene shifts to a cloudy mountain top, where Sho stands]
>Sho: Your skills have improved Eiji. I'm pleased. The next time that we meet,
>you and I will face each other.

Mike: Cause, you know, it would be hard to fight back to back.

>[The scene changes again. Eiji stands alone on a plain, his back to the
>audience. Suddenly he turns. Behind him, we can see a man from behind, his
>cloak in tatters. The camera switches to show his eyes, which are behind
>round glasses. ]

Tom: Hey look! It's some other guy!
Crow: It's Julian Lennon! He's done sitting by the river playing
guitar, and now he's ready to kick some major butt...

>[He raises a gun to his face in a salute. Eiji draws his sword, yells, and ....]

Mike: Roar, cming soon from Fox.

>End credits begin [More annoying bubble gum rock is played.]

Tom: uh-uh. It's all over. Uh-uh.
[The crew leaves]

1...2...3...4...5...6...

SoL:
Mike: Hello? Tabbles? Gypsy?
Gypsy: [Rushing in] Mike! Mike! The tabbles all blew up! You got
them!
Tom: Well, that’s all well and good Gypsy, but what if they come back?
We can’t possibly have gotten them all. They could come back at any
time! And then we’ll have to go through this all again!
Crow: Gee, Tom. If you’re that concerned about it, then why don’t you
take the time machine and go back in time and destroy the tabbles at
the source?
Tom: That’s a great idea! Thanks Crow! [Tom walks over to the Time
machine which has now appeared in the right area of the bridge.] T’is
a far, far better thing than I have ever done before. [He turns and
enters the time machine, which begins to hum.]
Crow: Whatever.
Mike: Crow, do you think that it’s a good idea to encourage Tom to
play with the fabric of time and space?
Crow: Come on, Mike. What harm could he possibly do?
[The time machine begins to hum again, and Tom pops out of it, visibly

shaken.]
Mike: How did it go, Tom?
Tom: Mike, remember that Bradbury story about the guy who stepped on
the butterfly and changed history?
Mike: Um, yeah...
Crow: You mean that Pearl is now a nice person?
Tom: No. [Softly] I turned the tabbles into bad guys on Voyager.
[Mike, Crow, and Gypsy gasp.]
Gypsy: Icky.
Mike: Gee, no one deserves that fate.
Crow: The horror. The Horror.

Camping World:
[Pearl is sitting by the fire drinking a cup of coffee. The Observer
wanders in, dazed.]
Pearl: Ah, brain boy. How's you vengeance going?
Observer:[Softly] I think that I'll place that on hold for a while. It
seems to be reacting poorly with my system. In fact, I seem to be
hallucinating about cats...
Pearl: [interrupting] Yeah, whatever. [Back to the screen.] Until next
time,
Nelson...

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

Bobo: [offscreen] Lawgiver! Look what I found! Can we keep it?
Tabble: Meow!
Observer: AHHHHH!!!!!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the copyright of
Best Brains, Inc. Battle Arena Toshinden is intellectual property
of BMG Victor Inc, Takara Co. Ltd., Central Park Media, Sega, Sony
and probably a few other companies too. When I hit the right one,
just tell me. Cause I have no idea who gets the , er, credit, for
this.

Special thanks for my proofreaders who will remain nameless
to protect their reputations.

No animals were harmed during the writing of this story. Afterward,
the Klingon empire hunted down the remaining tabbles and destroyed
them and the event is celebrated in many famous Klingon operas. The
ASPCA did sue the Klingons though. The resulting destruction of the
ASPCA is sung of in many Klingon operas, as are the deaths of the
Federation Opera critics who gave the resulting operas a bad review.
Moral: "Man, those Klingons are a surly bunch."

And to the thinly disguised bad guys: Nyah. Nyah. And get a life.

>Chaos: Blooming Gaia!