MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 2/9
a.ca...@genie.com
>Chapter Two
Mike: One down, fifteen to g-- oh, God.
>
> Captain William T. Riker was on the Bridge of the USS
>Enterprise-E when Q arrived. "Ah my dear Captain Riker, it has been
>awhile since I've seen you," Q announced.
> "Personally Q, I prefer it that way," Riker replied.
> "I'm sorry to hear that Captain," Q responded.
Crow: Which one? Captain Alanis Morissette? Yeah, I know how you feel.
>"I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd visit your ship. I
>was curious how you were holding up. I see you've gone though another first
>officer.
Nine: "You know, most captains just use cabin boys."
>A pity, Commander LaForge was so amusing. Oh well, I'll just have to dust
>off my book of Worf jokes."
> "If you don't mind, Q," Riker responded. "I'm not in the mood
>for jokes."
Mike [Riker]: "I'm in the mood for love."
> "Oh yes, the fleet's finest Captain, present company not excepted,
>is presumed dead as a result of the Nexus's destruction by a collision with
>a star," Q commented. "I can see how that would depress you."
> "Why are you here, Q?" Riker asked.
Tom: "Hm? Oh, I'm Ross Perot's running mate."
> "Just to get you to contact the Commanding Officer of the
>Endeavor," Q replied. "That person asked me to have you do it making
>sure you don't reference names."
Nine: "Here, stand on this big X and close your eyes. Now don't move."
> "Q, why would Jay ask me do to that?" Riker asked.
> "You are so dense, Riker," Q responded. "If I were to tell you
>that, I'd ruin the surprise, and I don't want to do that."
> "All right Q, I'll do it," Riker said.
Crow [Q]: "And after that, how about a game of 52 Pick-Up?"
Tom [Riker]: "Sure!"
>"Open a channel to the Endeavor."
> "Channel Open," the tactical officer responded.
Mike: Hunh. That must be how VH-1 manages to knock Comedy Central off the
air.
> "On screen," Riker ordered. A view of the bridge of the
>Endeavor appeared on the view screen. Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard
>was sitting in the command chair.
Tom: --setting a course for "full recline."
>"Lieutenant, I need to speak with you commanding officer."
> "All right, I'll send for him," Lochard replied. He tapped his
>communicator. "Commander Jay Gordon report to the Bridge. You have an
>incoming communication."
> At that the aft turbolift doors opened. "Wrong Officer, Ross,"
>came Marrissa's stern tone as she entered her bridge.
Nine: "This is my bridge! There are many like it but this one is =mine=!"
> "Captain?" was Lieutenant Commander Lochard's response.
>"Marrissa?" was Captain William T. Riker's.
> "The rumors of my death, were greatly exaggerated," Marrissa
>responded
Tom: --quoting the famous author of A CONNECTICUT YANKEE, IN KING ARTHUR'S
COURT and LIFE ON, THE MISSISSIPPI.
>as Jay, Clara, and Alexander followed her on to the bridge.
> "I can see that, but how?" Riker replied.
Crow: "Didn't you read the character profiles? You're not the blind one.
=LeVar's= the blind one. You're just the burly one."
> "Q didn't want to lose his favorite sparing partner so soon,"
>Jay responded.
> "Actually, I found her on Earth around a million years ago," Q
>said. "Not good place for a Starship Captain,
Tom: --unless he's from Golgafrincham.
>much less a Princess."
> "I'll certainly agree with that," Marrissa said. "By the way,
>have any of you contacted, my father, Starfleet or Essex with news of my
>'death'."
> "Only place I've noted it is in my log," Riker responded.
Crow [Riker]: "Din't think it wuz that important!"
> "Same here," Jay chimed in. "With the notable exception of
>announcing it to the crew."
> "Well I'll be contacting all of them anyway," Marrissa said.
>"Captain Riker, you better correct your log."
Nine: Funny, that's what Deanna used to say.
> "I'll get right to it," Riker returned. "Incidentally, why are
>you contacting all of those places."
> "I'm marrying Jay here," Marrissa responded. "I have to arrange
>for a Royal Wedding. It will probably be in about a month. I'll make
>sure the Enterprise is ordered to attend."
Mike: After all, no one would come of their own free will.
> "Congratulations, Marrissa, Jay," Riker said. "But I don't see
>how you are going to get the Enterprise to Essex."
Crow: This is Marrissa we're talking about! If worse comes to worst she'll
just bring the planet over to the ship.
> "Simple, as soon as I tell Dad," Marrissa said. "He will want
>to be there so he will call for the Enterprise, so he can arrive in the
>only starship he has been on for any prolonged length of time in the
>last dozen years."
Mike: Yes, I hear lately he's been much more into his riding mower.
> "Actually the only starship willing to beam him out of his
>office, without alerting his aids on his order," Riker said.
> "So that's how you get him to come aboard your starship, Captain
>Riker," Marrissa said.
Tom [Riker]: "Well, there's also the incentive of my enormous archive of
hardcore pornography!"
>"Well I have quite a bit of communication to start so I better sign off,
>Endeavor out."
> "Well, I don't think I'll find any more entertainment here for
>awhile,
Crow: *sigh* Neither do we, neither do we...
>so I'll be dropping it on Starfleet Headquarters," Q said. "See you soon,
>Riker."
> "I hope not."
>
> Marrissa returned to her ready room. Looking at the painting
>over her sofa named 'A Early Mission', she briefly thought of that first
>mission in the forests of DOAllen. She remembered how Jay and Alex had
>piloted that shuttle to such a smooth landing that even Data was surprised.
Mike: And she remembered the ludricrous plotline, the tepid characterization,
the abysmal spelling...
>Shaking her self out of that reminiscing, she had had enough of that in the
>last week, she sat down and opened a channel to Starfleet Headquarters,
>office of the Commanding Admiral.
> Her father's secretary, Lieutenant Sirek, answered, "Office of
>the Commanding Admiral, Starfleet, how may I help you."
Tom: "If you know the name of the officer you want to see, press 1. If--"
> "Is my father in, Sirek?" Marrissa asked.
> "He is presently in a meeting with Captain Beverly Picard,"
>Sirek replied.
> "You mean he is having breakfast with his wife," Marrissa
>restated. "Tell him that
Crow: "--the FDA has upgraded the recommended weekly allowance of eggs from
three to four!"
>Marrissa has news he and the Doctor would like to know."
> The image paused for a moment, then Lieutenant Sirek said,
>"Transferring communication now."
Nine: Uh-oh. I sense a primal scene coming on.
> The image changed to a modest office behind the desk sat Fleet
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard.
Mike: "...sixty frigging years in Starfleet and they don't even give me an
office with a frigging window and now they stick my desk right under the
air conditioning vent so I have to wear a parka in August and--"
>To his right with her arm on one side of the desk sat Captain Beverly
>Picard, C.O. of the Pasteur. "Good Morning Marrissa, Sirek said, you had
>something we'd like to know," Admiral Picard said.
Crow [Marrissa]: "I sure do! An' I'm not gonna tell! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"
> "Yes I do, Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. "We will be
>getting married as soon as I can arrange it with Essex."
> "Congraduations Marrissa," Doctor Picard said.
Tom: Huh? I thought she graduated a long time ago!
>"So how did you get him to propose. And I want details."
> "Beverly," Admiral Picard admonished.
> "Jean-Luc Picard, can't a girl have any fun," the Doctor returned.
Nine: Yes, but Marrissa's drafting legislation against it.
> "Okay I'll give you some of the details," Marrissa said, before
>her adopted father could begin his let them live their own lives speech.
>"On the last mission, I got caught in the nexus. Just before it was
>destroyed, it released me on to Earth as it was millions of years ago.
>Then Q stopped by and offered a ride. Since Jay thought I was dead, he
>was acting as Captain and I surprised him. He had apparently been
>thinking about lost opportunities so he proposed to me. Not wanting him
>to get away, I accepted."
Tom: Ratliff's writing Cliffs Notes for his own stories now!
> "How long have you been pursuing Jay," Beverly Picard asked.
> "About six to seven years," Marrissa replied.
> "Let me get this straight, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said.
>"You've been after Jay Gordon to marry you since you were fifteen."
> "Something wrong with that Dad," Marrissa replied.
Mike: You mean aside from the fact that a fifteen-year-old has about as much
ability to make major life decisions as a chimpanzee has of running an air
traffic control tower?
> "I better put a reminder in my logs for next year to start looking
>closely at Jackie's dates," her father replied. "Although I approve of your
>choice I'm not yet sure about Jackie's judgment."
> "She's only eleven years old, Jean-Luc," Beverly said. "Give her
>time."
Nine: Yeah, she won't be ready to get hitched till she's at least eleven and
a half.
> "What did she do now?" Marrissa asked.
> "She took a shuttlecraft on a trip to Neptune," Jean-Luc said.
Crow: Cool! Did she see Michael Jackson's summer estate?
>"Without permission."
> "Let me guess, she wanted to see the site of one of my battles,"
>Marrissa said.
Mike: Well, of course. Everyone's life revolves around Marrissa and the
glorious path she's cut through life. People line up to pay homage to
restrooms Marrissa has visited.
>"My offer to give you a vacation from her antics, still stands."
> "Jean-Luc that might be just want Jackie needs," Beverly said.
Nine [Jean-Luc]: "No, whut that girl needs is a good whuppin'! That's th'
way mah pappy raised me an' Ah turned out just fine, thank yuh very much!"
>"You have to admit that she couldn't have pulled that shuttle stunt on a
>starship."
> "I may take you up on that offer after your wedding," Jean-Luc
>Picard said. "After all, she can't cause anymore trouble on a starship."
Crow: That's what your wife just said! What, are you Ronald Reagan all of a
sudden?
> Suddenly an line of text appeared on the screen. It read, "I
>wouldn't be so sure. Congraduations Marrissa. Love, Jackie."
Tom: I see Beverly's been in charge of Jackie's spelling lessons.
> "Admiral Picard to Lieutenant Sirek, she's done it again," her
>father said. He shook his head. "I don't know what to do with her. At
>least little Nickolas isn't as rambunctious."
Nine: Of course not. They've got him downing his body weight in Ritalin
every day.
> "I still think Nickolas needs to be a little more out going,"
>Beverly said. "I use to think Wesley was shy when he was little but
>it's nothing when compared to Nickolas."
Mike: "Why, just last week I found him hiding in the silverware drawer!"
> "Sounds like both of you need a vacation away from your children,"
>Marrissa stated. "Well you know were the Endeavor is if you need a
>baby-sitter.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Just... don't tell Kelsey Grammer, okay?"
Crow: Ouch!
>I'll transmit the date of the wedding when I get though talking to Essex.
>Endeavor out."
>
> Next Marrissa opened a ship-wide broadcast. "Captain Marrissa
>Picard to all personnel. Rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nine: "I mean, I was dead for three days, but now I am risen. You may touch
of my hand if you wish."
>There will be a ship-wide battle drill at 0900 hours tomorrow. All
>members of the Royal Family of Essex, please report to my Ready Room.
Tom [tinny]: "All members of our Business Advantage Club (tm) may of course
board at their leisure."
>Captain Picard out."
> Clara quickly arrived from the bridge, followed by Counselor
>Martin Sussex.
Mike: Ah, yes, the ol' two-person conga line.
>"Nice announcement Marrissa," Martin said. "Tell me have you been reading
>about Mark Twain lately?"
> "I haven't read Clemens in over five years," Marrissa replied,
>with a smile.
> "Marrissa, you never change," Martin replied.
Tom: Yup, always desperately flailing at any opportunity to show off and
reinforce the superiority complex around which her entire psyche is based...
> "That depends on what you call change," Marrissa said. "Clara
>knows all ready but I thought you might want to know before the rest of
>the ship as well.
Crow: "You mean that you're getting married? Yeah, saw that written above
the third urinal over at the Deck Eight men's room!"
>I'm marrying Jay, as soon as I can arrange the wedding with Essex."
> "Not surprising, I've been expecting it since I signed on
>board," Lieutenant Sussex replied.
> "Then how come it took me so long to get Jay to propose to me,"
>Marrissa asked.
Mike: Maybe because for all the years you've known him, it's only been in
the last couple of months that's he's started shaving?
> "I thought it would happen at one of three possible times,"
>Martin said. "One, when you were injured during an away mission.
Tom: The injury motif in K/S fiction! Joe Sartelle and Kathy Moran wrote
about that.
>Two, when Jay suffered the same fate.
Mike: "--after you beat the crap out of him."
>Or Three, when both of you retired."
Tom: Which in Ratliff's world happens around age 19.
> "If you weren't Ship's Counselor, Martin," Marrissa said.
Nine: "Normally I'd just have you 'disappeared' and be done with it. But you
hold a high-profile position. A position of trust. I'll have to send you
to the camp to be 're-educated.'"
> "I know, I'd be in big trouble," Martin replied. "There are
>quite a bit of benefits to this position.
Mike: Too bad diction lesson aren't among them.
>Thanks for pointing me down the road."
> "Sometimes I think I worked too hard to get the crew I wanted,"
>Marrissa said. "Tell me Martin, how is Clara going to succeed with
>Alex?"
Crow: "Umm... 'Answer hazy -- ask again.' Damn!"
> "Oh, she'll either be in Sickbay or Alexander will propose by
>the end of the day," Martin said.
> "And what makes you think that?" Clara asked.
Tom: "Well, he's thinking of marrying her, but she just ate a bunch of
British beef for breakfast."
> "All that time you've been spending reprogramming Alexander's
>consoles in his quarters to show only love poetry," Martin replied.
> "Clarrissa Ann Sutter," Marrissa began. "I didn't think you had
>enough guile to do something like that.
Nine: "It's a shame, really. Now I'll have to have you rubbed out before you
can pose a threat to my absolute rule."
>If Alexander complains, you do realize that I will have to reprimand you?
Crow [Jay]: "Oh! Oh! Reprimand me first, Marrissa!"
Tom: "Then me!"
Mike: "And then me!"
Crow: "Yes! We must all have a good reprimand! And then--"
>Of coarse, if I don't hear from him, I didn't hear it here."
> "Sure Marrissa, but I don't have the same option you had to get
>my boyfriend to propose," Clara said.
Nine: Yeah, you don't have the author setting up impossible plot contrivances
for you. A shame, really.
> "I think I will be delaying my talk with Victoria," Marrissa
>reasoned. "I have a feeling that this is going to end up as a double
>wedding."
Tom: I know Ratliff's into his twenties by now, but don't you get the sense
that he just now realized that girls are kind of soft and pretty and stuff?
>
>Chapter Three
>
> Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko had just gotten off bridge duty
>and was on his way to his quarters. "Computer are their any ship-board
>messages?" he asked entering his quarters.
> "One from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer replied.
> "Play."
Crow [computer]: "Okay! Whee! Ha ha! It's fun!"
> "Alex, when you get tired of the poetry contact me, Clara." the
>recorded message said.
Mike: As opposed to "me, Al Franken"?
> "I wonder what she means by that?" Alex wondered aloud. "Computer
>display duty schedule for my department for the next month." Instead of the
>schedule however a piece of Klingon love poetry was displayed.
Tom: "Shall I compare thee to a bloodied truncheon?"
> "Computer identify poem," Alexander asked.
> "I Lust for Thee by Kor," the Computer replied.
Crow: Isn't that the new MTV Buzz Clip?
> "Explain why this terminal is not displaying the duty schedule,"
>Alexander asked.
Mike: Oh, those computers haven't been right since they tried to install
Windows 95.
> "The terminal currently displaying the duty schedule for your
>department per your instructions."
> Alexander then went over to the replicator and ordered "Klingon
>warnog, hot."
Nine: I thought the whole point of this scene was that =Clara= wanted a
little hot Klingon warnog.
>The mug which materialized had yet another poem on it's side.
> "Computer access private ambassadorial message channel and play
>all messages,"
Mike: I'll never understand modern poetry.
>Alexander said relaxing on his sofa. If Clara was going to give him a
>selection of poems which she liked Alex was willing to use them later.
Crow: He'd tried writing his own, but the "There once was a Ferengi from
Nantucket" series hadn't gone over that well.
Mike: On the other hand, it was way better than Drake Raft's stuff.
>He had already come to the conclusion that she was after him to marry her
>about two years earlier.
Tom: Oh, you mean back when they were fetuses.
> "First Message from Commander Worf, First Officer USS Enterprise,"
>the Computer said. Then the message began "Hello Alexander, sorry that I
>missed your off duty time, or are you doing another of those I'll spend two
>days on the bridge to prove I'm Klingon again.
Mike: Yeah, Ratliff has Worf's speech patterns just about dead-on.
>You really should stop, humans prefer not to smell Klingon body odor.
Nine: Hey, Ratliff just may have a future writing gags for Jim Carrey movies!
>I just called to remind you that your Uncle Kern's birthday is
>next month and he has gotten use to the human custom of
Tom: "--having you pull his finger, so please just humor him."
>birthday presents so you better send him one. Worf out."
> "Second Message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter, Chief Engineer
>USS Endeavor," the Computer announced. Then Clara's message began,
>"Aren't you glad I didn't chose the Klingon way? Batting away all that
>stuff can cause one to visit Sickbay."
Nine: Is that some obscure Trek reference or is Ratliff just being incoherent
again?
Mike: Probably a little of both.
> "Computer send the following poem to Lieutenant Commander Clara
>Sutter, priority one," Alexander said. "To the Virgins, To Make Much of
>Time by Robert Herrick.
Crow: Ah, yes, from the author of "Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breast".
Mike: Crow...
Crow: It's true! Look it up!
>Tag message as anonymous."
> "New message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer
>announced. "It reads 'I assume this is a proposal, Clara.'"
Mike: Why would she propose to herself?
Tom: I've heard of people talking to themselves before, but sending yourself
e-mail?
Mike: I don't know. That "No letters waiting." message can be awfully
depressing.
> "Send back, what else could it be," Alexander said. Moments
>later his door opened. "So much for locked doors."
> "If you had a locking mechanism which wouldn't yeild to a
>phaser," Clara said. "It seems no one has made one.
Nine [Clara]: "That's how I broke into David Letterman's house!"
>I'll have to rectify that, my love."
Mike: Hey, let's not get too expicit here.
> "Clara, I think were are going to have quite a time tonight,"
>Alexander said, drawing her close.
Crow: "Yeah! Conan O'Brien has Tony Randall on tonight!"
> "You don't know the half of it," Clara responded, ending the
>sentence with a kiss. Not just any kiss however, this one was a long
>passionate one.
Tom: Yecch! It's like the opening scene from KIDS!
> "I wonder what Essex thinks about you marrying a Klingon," Alex
>said when the kiss was over.
> "Some of them probably are thanking the Lord that Marrissa is
>first in line," Clara said.
Nine: Yes, much better a power-mad, ego-tripping tyrant than someone who'd
dare marry outside her race.
>"As for what I think of their opinion. Well I don't care about them. My
>interests right now are in order, you, that bed of yours and weather I'll
>be late arriving at Engineering, tomorrow."
> "The answer to that last question is yes," Alexander responded.
Mike: I feel like I'm watching an East German stag flick.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa had received a message from Clara as per
>arrangement, "The Klingon has been caught." So she was readying
>herself to call Queen Victoria of Essex.
Nine: "Okay, deep breaths... I'm in my happy place..."
>"Computer, open a channel to the Planet Essex and her majesty Queen
>Victoria. Indicate that her heir wishes to discuss a matter of personal
>importance."
Crow: "Yeah! All this spray you're pumping into me's depleting the ozone
layer! Have you considered styling gel?"
Tom: Her =heir=, Crow. =Heir=.
Crow: Oh. Never mind.
> Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in
>Marrissa's quarters. "Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked.
Mike: "I thought I told you never to call me here! Don't you know where I
am?"
> "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But
>I had to inform you of some good news."
> "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked.
> "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa
>replied.
Tom: Imagine what kind of table manners she'd have if she =hadn't= spent
fifteen years in finishing school!
> The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good
>news."
> "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said.
> "That is good news,
Crow [droning]: "It is good that Marrissa made that happen. What a good
girl Marrissa is."
>now if I could only get William to do so," Victoria mused.
> "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted
>Alexander's proposal."
> "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had
>William push though Parliament," the Queen said.
Mike: So =she's= the one that tried to get the assault weapons ban repealed!
>"So Clara could marry a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be
>typical royals."
Nine: You mean they won't be inbred hemophiliacs who boff soccer teams and
compare themselves to tampons?
> "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa
>questioned.
> "It's been awhile," the Queen replied.
Mike: "Let's see, we haven't married outside the family in... five
generations? six? Yeah, once those toothless albinos started showing up
things got distinctly wacky."
>"Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a
>starship Captain. Prince Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant
>engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on a Starship. Earl
>Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar.
>I can't find any normal royalty in my family."
Tom: I'd say the boozehound mother sounds like typical royalty to me.
> "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a
>normal royal family," Marrissa replied. "When can we arrange for a
>double wedding on Essex."
> "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three
>weeks so lets make it a month to provide a margin of error,"
Mike: The margins are about the only things in this story that =don't= have
errors.
>Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime
>Minister
Crow: Yeah!
>into action?"
Crow: Oh.
> "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time
>and date to my father so he can arrange his escape, use code Mozart
>Symphony number 23."
Mike: "You have to hum it. Don't forget those obbligati!"
> "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids,"
>Victoria said.
> "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll
>get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said.
> "Congraduations Marrissa,
Tom [Marrissa]: "For the last time -- I graduated years ago! Here's my
class ring! Here's my yearbook! What more do you want?"
>and tell Clara the same," Victoria said. "Well I better get back to dinner.
>Essex out."
>
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[Continued in Part 3]