MiSTed- Goodbye (VOY)
Currie1501
Churning out overly sappy VOY 'fics seems to be an annoying new trend among the
trekkies at ASC. Luckily for most of civilization, I don't have much trouble
distinguishing them from the rest.
Tom "Just trying to thin out the herd" Currie
"Hey Vasquez, have you ever been asked if you were a man?"
"No. Have you?" -Hudson to Vasquez in _Aliens_
"C'mon, bite me! I'm a toaster strudel!" -Tom Servo
_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
(Season 8 open)
(SoL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are in football gear and in a huddle.)
TOM: I think we should try a Hail Mary.
CROW: No, they'd just do an Our Father right back at us. Go for a tight-end
hook.
MIKE(looking up at camera): Hi everybody. We were getting bored up here, so we
decided to have a Game Day.
TOM: I'm telling you, our best bet's in a pass play!
MIKE: We were thinking of trying some Ultimate Frisbee, but the other guy used
it in an experiment and it blew up a sun somewhere.
CROW: Are you kidding? We're bigger *and* stronger than Gypsy and those
maintenance bots!
MIKE: So, we decided on another, lesser-known combination of football and
another sport.
TOM: We're going to use a nine-iron. I can be out there, get the catch, and in
the end green before they replace the divot!
CROW: But Ultimate Golf isn't made for pass plays!
TOM: Stuff it! <to Mike> Mike, get your nine. Fake a putt to Crow and pass to
me. I'm going deep and doglegging right.
MIKE: If you say so...
(M & TB arrange themselves on an imaginary line of scrimmage. Mike puts a tee
into the floor and gets in a golf stance. Crow picks up a ball.)
CROW: Par 5! Hole 18! HUT! HUT! HUT!
(Crow snaps the ball to Mike, who carefully places it on the tee. Tom zooms
offscreen to the right. Crow circles around Mike, who makes a putting motion
towards him. Crow runs for it.)
TOM(o.s.): I'm open! I'm open!
(Mike hits the ball with a solid THWOK. He watches the balls path.)
TOM(o.s): Come on... come on... no! NO!
(A tinkling of broken glass is heard.)
GYPSY(o.s): Intercepted!
(Gypsy rushes past with her flashlight broken. Mike makes a tackle for her,
but falls flat on his face.)
MIKE: Dang! Uh, we'll be right back.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++
Commercials. They're funny. Trust me.
==========================================================================
=============
(SoL. Mike is toweling off a rusted and shivering Crow. Tom zips into the
shot. His body is studded with golf balls and his dome is shattered.)
TOM: C'mon, wussies! One more game!
MIKE: Hush. We've already had one player fall into a water hazard and we're
not going to risk any more.
CROW(shivering): Y-y-y-y-you're a m-maniac-c-c S-serv-v-vo. Set-t-t-t-ttle
d-down and-d-d st-st-st-st-start p-playing f-f-f-foosb-ball like th-the
rest-t-t of us.
TOM: You have to get "in the zone", Crow, you've got to "get the feel of the
game', you've got to "drink Gatorade".
MIKE(disgusted): Oh Tom. Product endorsements already? (Van Light) Wait, the
Dynamic Duo is calling.
(Ancient Rome. Pearl and Observer are sitting in chairs listening to a blonde
man in fancy robes speak, or at least would be listening had they not fallen
asleep.)
ALEXANDER THE GREAT(droning): And after the battle of Issus, I kept sweeping
through Persia until my next *GREAT* *VICTORY*!
OBSERVER(waking up): Huh? X equals AB over the difference of C-2!
PEARL(waking up): Wha? Oh. Fanfic today, Voyager, title's "Goodbye", enjoy or
don't, now if you'll excuse me, Brad Pitt was picking me up in his limo.<falls
asleep again>
AL: Of course, my men were getting a bit annoyed, but my famous charm and
people skills won them back over until Persepolis.
(SoL. Mike is holding up a white loop of fabric with a small pillow's worth of
padding in the front and peering at it in puzzlement.)
TOM: Like my jockstrap? Gypsy's a wonderful seamstress.
MIKE: Uh... does it need that much padding?
(Voyager Sign goes off)
ALL: AAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! WE GOT VOYAGER SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNN!!!!
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)
>Subject: NEW: Goodbye (Voy, J/C)
CROW(chanting): C'mon, NC-17, c'mon, NC-17...
> [G]
CROW: D'OH!
>
[1/1]
>From: mcc...@pdx.oneworld.com (L. McCabe)
>Date: Wed, Oct 1, 1997 2:11PM
>Message-id: <60u73o$f...@voodoo.pdx.oneworld.com>
TOM: Oneworld? Didn't Michael Jackson sing that?
>
>Notes: I wrote this one as a response to a challenge from a friend.
MIKE: <groan>Always the sign of a good fanfic.
>I wasn't going to poste it here, but I was convinced to by another
>friend. I hope people enjoy it. Get out a hanky though.
>
>
>Series: Voy
>Codes: J/C
>Rated: G
CROW(bitterly): Rub it in my face, why don't ya.
>Parts: 1/1
>Disclaimer: At things Star Trek belong to Paramount. No copyright
>infringement it intended.
MIKE: It intended, but did it do?
>
>Goodbye
>
>by L. McCabe
>
>Chakotay looked the beautiful woman in the eye.
CROW(as Chakotay): Better leave quick, Janeway will be here any minute now.
>
He wasn't going to
>back down. He had been preparing this moment for months. Her red hair
>gleemed from the star light filtering in through
>
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: The works of word processors are a mystery to us all.
>the window. He reached up to softly caress her cheek.
CROW: And then she put her pants back on.
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: What?
>
she shuttered in
>response.
TOM: I would lock my windows closed too if Chakotay tried to rub my butt.
MIKE: TOM! Don't encourage Crow!
> His touch always had that effect on her. Some times
it made
>work hard,
MIKE: Crow-
CROW: I wasn't. Sheesh.
> but most of the time it just made her feel loved.
>
>
>"I love you." he huskily whispered,
TOM: Janeway's an Alaskan sled dog?
> "but
it's tearing me up inside
MIKE: Well then, take the weed-whacker out of your mouth.
>knowing that we can never be."
>
>Pain welled up in Kathryn's eyes.
CROW(as Janeway): But nobody gives butt-rubs like you!
MIKE: CROW!
> They
never discussed their
>situation. They just went carefully on treading around the issue. "I
>couldn't control my heart.
CROW(as Chakotay): It just popped right out of my chest and onto the dinner
table.
> The harder I tried,
the more I fell." The
>pain was evident in his voice. "I want you, I need you like your were
TOM: -wolf.
CROW(howl): Aroooooo...
>an essential piece of my soul, but I can't ignore reality. I may never
>have you the way I truly want."
CROW: Yes you will. Just read all the NC-17 J/C's and you'll have her in ways
you never dreamed of.
MIKE: Do you want me to turn on Parental Controls, Crow?
>
>Chakotay bent down and brushed her lips with his.
TOM(as Chakotay): I hope you don't mind the floor wax.
>
It was a fleeting
>kiss full of bittersweet promise.
TOM: Or sweet-&-sour chicken. It was hard to tell.
> A
promise he would never keep.
CROW: A promise of butt-rubs forever.
MIKE: CROW!
>
>"I can't be here on Voyager with you anymore. I can't face you,
>knowing that I will never have a place in your heart. That is why I am
>requesting a shuttle and plan to fly to the nearest m class
>planet." Kathryn shuttered with a sob.
TOM: So she locked all the windows with the help of a son-of-a-
MIKE: Tom, family post...
TOM: -female-dog?
>
>She reached out and grabbed his uniform. She hung on for dear life. If
>he left she wouldn't know how to live, she would never breath again.
CROW: Her butt would never know the tender touches of his hand again.
MIKE: CROW! Don't run it into the ground!
>Chakotay watched as Kathryn's heart broke in two.
MIKE(as Holodoc on Voyager): Oops. Shouldn't have cut that part.
>
It was better this
>way he told himself, better that she faced the pain now.
TOM: This way, he could savor the vengeance.
>
She didn't
>deserve to ache for him the rest of her life, to face the endless
>question about whether or not personal relationships could mix with
>professional ones.
CROW: Why not? According to the NC-17 stories, Kirk and Spock still get along.
MIKE: CROW!
>
>"No..." she pleaded with him. It was the closest she had ever come to
>begging, and he knew it. It was ripping him apart to see her thus.
TOM: Look out! Janeway's the Chainsaw Murderess!
>"How will I live without you?" She said more for herself
MIKE(as Janeway): More.
TOM(as Janeway): Ah. Thank you, self.
>
as the tears
>coursed down her face. She drew herself tightly against him,
CROW: Her hands inching their way toward his butt.
MIKE: CROW! Cut it out!
>
trying to
>pull his essence inside her body,
CROW(as Chakotay): AAUGGH! She's trying to rip out my soul!
> so she
would never face loneliness
>again.
>
>"No, don't leave me." she cried into his shoulder. Chakotay's hands
>remain stubbornly at his side.
TOM: His feet, however, had less willpower and had almost convinced the legs to
mutiny.
> If he bent
and took her in his arms he
>would never let go.
CROW: Due to a hilarious accident with molecular adhesion glue ala "Home
Improvement".
> Chakotay tilted her face up with a
carefully
>controlled hand.
MIKE: Amateur Vulcan neck-benching.
> A tear slipped down his cheek.
TOM: How did his butt get ripped open?
CROW: Janeway got too enthusiastic, I guess.
MIKE: CROW!
>
>He dove into the depths of her eyes.
CROW: Ouch!
> "I
could never stand in the way
>of you and the ship.
TOM(as Chakotay): You probably couldn't stop in time.
> Voyager will get home without me,
but not without
>you. I make you loose focus on that goal.
TOM(Spanish(?) soccer announcer): GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
>
I could get us all killed.
>The ship will never survive the trip without you."
>
>Chakotay grabbed her chin roughly and pulled it towards his lips.
CROW(as pleading Janeway): Just one last butt-rub before you go!
MIKE: CROW!
>
Just
>one kiss before going. No one would stop him, he would die before he
>stayed with her. He could never come
CROW: I know, I won't. You never let me have any fun, Mike.
>between her and the ship. There lips roughly met is a sweet kiss of
>desperation.
(Tom sparks and fizzles)
MIKE: TOM! Are you okay?
TOM: Yeah, I needed to get rid of those worn-out grammar-check circuits anyway.
> The power of the kiss temporarily stunned her.
CROW(as Chakotay): I hooked a car battery up to my braces so I could heat up
food in my mouth. Pretty smart, huh?
>
She was
>powerless as he turned and left her quarters.
MIKE(as Chakotay): Oh, and the power company said something about overdue
electricity bills.
>
>Chakotay paused momentarily by the door.
TOM(as Chakotay): Are you *really* sure you won't enjoy our fine Amway products
and services?
>
"Remember Kathryn
>though I leave, my heart will always remain here with you.
TOM(as Chakotay): I disguised it as a meatloaf and gave it to the mess hall as
a going-away gift for you.
>
I am
>an but an empty shell without you."
CROW: Then, without warning, a gigantic hermit crab scuttled inside of him.
> he
grabbed a bag he had left
>outside her door. The fuzzy haze of a transporter beam engulf his
>form.
MIKE: This guy will had serious problems with tenses.
>
>Kathryn collapsed onto the ground..sobbing.
CROW(as Janeway): He'll never rub my butt again!
MIKE: *CROW*!
>
She never got to
>tell him that she loved him.
TOM: He couldn't *tell*?!
MIKE: A regular Sherlock Holmes, Chakotay is.
>
>Fin
CROW: Dorsal.
>Comments are very welcome
MIKE: YES! We're still kind of legal!
> (
mcc...@pdx.oneworld.com)
>http://either.or.com/~mccabem/voy/stories.html
>
CROW(as they leave): Remember, this post is not meant to encourage the rubbing
of butts outside the confines of a loving marriage.
MIKE: <sigh> I give up.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge. Crow is dressed up like Woody Harrelson in a
wheelchair as Larry Flynt. Gypsy is dressed up as Courtney Love and is
snoozing on the counter. Mike is in judges robes and Tom is dressed as a
prosecutor.)
MIKE(pompous): This court of the Satellite of Love will come to order.
CROW: I object! This is discriminatory against those that prefer chaos!
MIKE(pompous again): The defendant will now shut his trap as the court comes to
order. Mr Servo, read the charges.
TOM: The defendant is charged with Disobeying a Direct Order to Cut It Out,
Running a Joke into the Ground, and A Blatant Disregard for Good Taste.
Serious charges.
CROW: I plead innocent.
MIKE(suddenly losing his pompousness): WHAT?! We all saw you do it! I
mean,(pompous) there have been many witnesses to the alleged crime.
CROW: Oh yeah? Were they black?
TOM: No.
CROW: Did they have DNA testing supplies?
TOM: Crow, the OJ defense plan is only applicable to certain cases, by which I
mean the OJ trial.
CROW: You didn't answer my question!
MIKE(normal): <sigh> Crow, give it a rest. We saw you do it, we have
recordings, we *don't* have Mark Fuhrman or the LAPD, and we don't even have a
jury. Just apologize and that'll be enough.
CROW: Oh. Okay, I'm sorry.
TOM: Of course, since you tried to plead innocent, we'll have to get a bit more
severe.
MIKE: Yep! Into the Ratliff viewing chamber you go! (picks Crow up and heads
offscreen)
CROW(o.s.): No! If we had a constitution, this would be against it!
(Van Light flashes)
TOM: Big baby. <hits button with head>
(Rome. Crude dummies of Pearl and Observer sit in their respective seats.
Alexander drones on obliviously. As the camera pans to the left, we see Pearl
and Observer hiding behind a pillar.)
PEARL(whispering): We escaped. I feel like I've been put in solitary
confinement in a World History class.
OBSERVER(whispering): I'm only hoping the First Triumvirate isn't sneaking up
behind us...
_______________________________________________________________________
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> She never got to
>tell him that she loved him.