MiSTed: Stolen Memories (17/29)
Rottweiler
CROW: So you think you could handle a special request like that?
[Cut to shot of Ned the Nanite]
NED: No problem. As we Nanites like to say, "We're fantastic, we're
stupendous. Special orders don't offend us." (laughs)
[SOL Bridge. MIKE is trying to sneak a peek at the Nanoscope to see
what's
going on. CROW doesn't seem to notice him.]
CROW: That's good to hear. (to himself, panting slightly) Old Crow is
going to have fun tonight. I might even Wang Chung tonight.
MIKE: Uh, Crow, you wanna explain this...?
CROW: (a little startled) Oh, hi Mike! Well, you're going to find out
sooner or later, so I guess I'll just tell you. I asked the
Nanites
to make a Corvustian harem for me.
MIKE: You WHAT?
CROW: C'mon, Mike, it gets lonely up here in space. I have needs just
like
everyone else. Anyhow, it's too late to argue. I've already
contracted to have this place redecorated.
(Suddenly, we hear a blip, and in an instant, the Bridge of the SOL is
redecorated. The whole room is draped in velvet, and there are pillows
everywhere. Sleazy music plays in the background. CROW is now smoking
a
pipe and wearing a bathrobe.)
MIKE: What have you DONE, Crow? It looks like Hugh Hefner's guest
bedroom in here!
CROW: Geez, Mike. Cool out! The ladies will be here any second now.
(We hear another blip, and now the SOL Bridge is filled with six female
versions of Crow. They look like Crow, but are wearing dresses, false
eyelashes, and blond wigs. MIKE is mortified, as anyone in that
situation
would be.)
CORVUSTIAN #1: (snuggling up to CROW) Hiya, big boy!
CORVUSTIAN #2: My, what big muscles you have!
CROW: Ah, this is living! Uh, say, Mike... would you mind making
yourself
scarce for about fifteen minutes?
MIKE: (stern) Crow, I'm giving you five minutes to get all this junk out
of
here OR ELSE!
CROW: Or else WHAT?
MIKE: Or else your TV privileges are revoked for a whole week!
CROW: B-but... there's a very special _Felicity_ on this week. Have a
heart, Mike!
MIKE: Just get this stuff outta here, Crow.
CROW: Oh, all right! I'll have to get the return slip.
(CROW ducks down below the counter. MIKE is left alone with the harem
of
Corvustians. One of them lustfully sidles up to him.)
CORVUSTIAN #3: Hi there, Tall, Pale, and Handsome! Wanna dance?
MIKE: (uncomfortable) Gee, I'd like to, but I can't. I've got a
sprained
ankle. (looks down) Uh, Crow, you wanna hurry up with that return
slip?
(CROW rises up from behind the counter.)
CROW: As a matter of fact, no I don't. I'm not getting rid of this
harem.
You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do!
MIKE: But Crow, we only have enough RAM Chips for four robots.
CROW: One return slip coming up.
(CROW goes below the counter again. Another Corvustian sidles up to
MIKE.)
CORVUSTIAN #4: Hi there!
MIKE: Um, hi.
CORVUSTIAN #4: We're in geosychronus orbit, right?
MIKE: (uneasily) Yeah.
CORVUSTIAN #4: So, do you want to become a member of the 22,300 mile
high
club?
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! Hallelujah!
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. MIKE and the CROW enter and take their seats.]
> Week Twelve
> ============
CROW: Alis is probably off chasing the Rats of NIMH.
> Julian came to his senses slowly, sluggishly.
MIKE: Quick, pour salt on him!
(TOM enters and takes his seat)
TOM: Is that Crow's family out there on the bridge?
MIKE: Uh, I'll explain later.
> Alistair
> spent days trying to draw a positive action, not a reflex
> out of him.
CROW: (Alistair) Come on, Julian. Community service is good for you!
> It was wasted effort. Julian just drifted from
> day to day, curled up on his bed. Eating when feed, doing
> nothing more.
TOM: Typical slacker.
> Alistair had to bed bath
MIKE: And beyond.
> him and change the
> bedding constantly since Julian didn't even leave the bed to
> head for the excreta facilities.
CROW: Julian is becoming Elvis circa 1976.
> Alistair's hair which had been streaked through with
> grey was now pure white and new wrinkles scored his face,
> from guilt and concern.
TOM: (Alistair) I'll never get a date for Sadie Hawkins looking like
this!
> He'd known the Sensualist had an eye
> to taking over as `The Big Man' in the Harem.
MIKE: And after that, he was going to take over Jay Leno's job.
> He should have
> realised the Sensualist would see Julian and his professed
> consort status with the Prime Heir to be a stumbling block
> to his goal.
CROW: Along with his, shall we say, "questionable" military record.
MIKE: It was really nice of the Sensualist to become his political
rival's
boyfriend before killing him, though.
> He should have thought to protect Julian or at
> the very least,
TOM: Charged admission to see him being smothered.
> watched what the Sensualist was doing.
CROW: (Alistair) I'm not sure how watching him play in the cat climber
would have helped, but...
> But
> no, he'd moved his bed as far from Julian's as possible so
> as to not have to witness or hear Julian and the Sensualist
> going at it like rabbits.
MIKE: It's Watership Down porn!
TOM: This is more than I wanted to know about Calvin and Hobbes' sex
life.
> Only that wasn't what the Sensualist had in mind,
CROW: The Sensualist just wanted someone to watch _Loveline_ with.
> Alistair guessed he'd been planning this from the moment he
> made Julian his protege.
MIKE: Pretend to really like him, then sneak up and smother him with a
pillow as if he were a complete stranger. What a brilliant
strategy.
> Until Julian's entry into the
> Harems ranks the Sensualist had been seen as his natural
> successor.
TOM: But as David Letterman will tell you, that doesn't mean anything.
> The Sensualist had been smarter than Alistair had
> given him credit for.
CROW: He'd put too much emphasis on those standardized tests.
> And that mistake had nearly cost
> Julian his life, had it also cost him his mind?
MIKE: (_Prince of Space_ kid) It nearly cost him his life, had it cost
him
his mind, you go home, I want a soft
drink.
TOM: I'm guessing sentence structure isn't stressed a lot at Mission Ops
Productions.
> Week Thirteen
> ===========
CROW: You have to believe that if the Hardy Boys existed in the Trek
universe, Julian would have been rescued a long time ago.
> Alistair lay curled up beside Julian in sleep, guarding
> him.
MIKE: So, with Old Guy guarding him, how many times do you think
Julian's
been pack raped by now?
TOM: No more than twenty. Thirty at the most.
> He felt something touch his throat and half awoke
> before falling into a drugged sleep.
CROW: He shouldn't have taken those cough drops Robert Downey Jr. gave
him.
> He awoke in another Harem altogether. This one bare of
> the luxurious fittings the Palace's Harem had possessed.
MIKE: This one didn't even have cable!
> The
> walls were stark and featureless,
TOM: (Alistair) Hey, where's my Redskins Cheerleaders calender?
> but for air vents high up
> on the walls near the ceiling.
CROW: Are the vents big enough to crawl around in?
> Without drapes or picture
> windows.
MIKE: How gauche!
TOM: OH, THE *HUMANITY*!!!
> There were two doors, one that lead to a barely
> adequate bathing room, one that lead to presumably the Harem
> Keepers realm.
CROW: All of a sudden we're in Zork.
> It was always locked.
MIKE: As was the honor bar.
> The beds were rough.
TOM: They'd give Alistair Dutch rubs until he gave them his lunch money.
> Bedding non-existent.
CROW: The same could not be said of sentence fragments.
> Food was
> bland and unappetising,
MIKE: (Alistair) Yuck! Haggis!
> delivered once a day with fresh
> water by the Harem keeper who didn't waste any breath by
> talking to Alistair.
TOM: Still, it's better than MOST Middle Eastern hotels.
> "I don't like this one little bit," he muttered.
CROW: (Alistair) I shall write a letter of complaint to the travel guide
who recommended this place.
> Week Fourteen
> ==============
MIKE: (Julian's dad) Maybe I should at least put his face on a milk
carton.
> Alistair awoke at the sound of the door opening and sat
> up to see the Noblewoman he'd seen at the Palace, Julian's
> captor, enter the Harem.
TOM: Besides sitting up, Alistair can roll over, fetch, and play dead.
> He tried to shield the young man
> from her.
CROW: Alistair is Kevin Costner in _The Bodyguard II_.
> She laughed and back handed him with such strength
> that he was unconscious before he flew off the bed to hit
> the stone floor a good two meters away.
MIKE: So much for the biggest man in the harem.
TOM: With a strong backhand like that, she should be at Wimbledon.
> For the first time since the attempt on his life by the
> Sensualist Julian reacted to stimulus.
CROW: (Julian, drugged) Ooh, pretty.
> The sight of his
> tormentor, the feel of her claws on his skin as she slapped
> him over and over was enough to get a reaction.
MIKE: (Julian) She's my sister. She's my daughter. She's my sister.
> He started screaming his lungs out.
TOM:
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!
> She laughed and
> covered his mouth muffling his screams.
TOM: (Bobo voice, muffled) Mmph! Now the bushes are muffling my
screams!
Flavia!
> "You remember me, good."
CROW: (de Sade) So I won't have to stop slapping you to introduce
myself.
MIKE: (Julian, muffled) My name's not "good"!
> He started fighting her aiming kicks and blows at
> anything he could hit with his arms and legs.
CROW: That didn't do any good, of course. Julian has a kick like
Passover
wine.
> She reared
> back out reach. Julian scrambled back across the bed, fell
> over the edge to discover he could scramble under it.
MIKE: He could poach and fry under there, too.
> He
> did.
TOM: Quickly getting over his fears of the monsters that live under
there.
> Alistair started coming around.
CROW: (singing) Don't come around here no more.
> "You really are asking for what you get, Manling."
MIKE: (de Sade) And this year, you're getting argyle socks for
Christmas!
> She
> said and she crouched on all fours to peer under the bed
> where Julian cowered, looking back at her eyes wide with
> terror.
TOM: Something under the bed is whimpering!
> She rose up then leaped on the bed and with all the vim
> and vigour of a young child began bouncing up and down on
> it.
ALL: (Animaniacs) Boingy, boingy, boingy...
> Julian cried out as the base above him kept slamming him
> down to the ground, pounding at him.
CROW: ("mom" voice) How many times have I told you kids? No jumping on
the
bed! If you want to play rough, go outside.
> Alistair foggily heard Julian's cries and looked about.
> He saw her again and part of him wanted to cry.
MIKE: The hero is cowering under the bed and the villian is acting like
a
five year-old. Part of me wants to cry, too.
> He had no
> doubts about her parentage.
CROW: (Alistair) She's Leona Helmsley's daughter.
> She was almost the spitting
> image of his mother,
MIKE: (bass) Alistair! Clean up your room, do your homework, and put
your
mother out for the night!
CROW: I'm guessing that Alistair's a distant relative of Romulus and
Remus.
> only his mother hadn't had a tail or
> catlike ears.
TOM: She did have whiskers and claws, however.
> "This is fun," she said gleefully.
MIKE: Ah, that's the Marquis we know and love.
> Alistair felt his gorge rise.
CROW: Who would have guessed that Alistair had tectonic plates?
> How could this sadist be
> his daughter.
TOM: Well, first you shagged her mother, then--
MIKE: (interupting) It's a rhetorical question.
> Julian couldn't take it any longer.
CROW: (Julian) I'm calling my agent. There's no way in Hell I'm going
to
finish this story.
> Between bounces he
> started scuttling back toward the edge of the bed, trying to
> escape the pounding.
TOM: Advil. Stop the pain.
> As his limbs started poking out from
> under the bed,
MIKE: The rest of his body came out from behind the lamp.
> She noticed and waited until he he'd scuttled
> into the open.
CROW: (de Sade) There's no use hiding from me, young man. You're going
to
the doctor and that's final!
> He didn't even have time to catch his breath
> before she pounced on him driving what breath he had out of
> his body.
TOM: (Jerry "the King" Lawler) De Sade hits Julian with a body slam from
the top rope! That's GOTTA hurt!
> Alistair rose to his feet unsteadily, head throbbing
> and spinning, stomach queasy, ready to throw up at any time.
MIKE: That'll teach him to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl.
CROW: (Alistair) Maybe my stomach acid (urp) will slowly eat through her
skin, thus giving me the victory... (urp)
> He couldn't see what was happening on the other side of the
> bed but he could hear Julian start screeching and the sounds
> of a struggle, along with *Her* malicious laughter.
TOM: Ah-hahahahahaha... wipeout!
> He looked about desperately and his gaze fell on the
> water jug.
MIKE: (Alistair) That really is a lovely item. Is it antique?
> He staggered to the bench and snatched it up then
> staggered back to and around the bed.
CROW: Joe Cocker becomes a water seller.
TOM: So the women are top-notch fighters, whereas the men scream, faint,
and have to use vases to knock out their opponents. I feel like
I'm
reading _Aeia_.
> He had to fight the
> urge to retch as he saw
MIKE: Roy Clark nude.
> what his daughter was doing to the
> screaming Julian.
CROW: She was making him watch Adam Sandler movies!
TOM: The fiend!
> Any hesitation he might have felt
> vanished.
MIKE: He decided to go ahead and retch.
> Without a second thought, he moved in and brought
> the jug down on his daughters head with all his strength.
CROW: Ka-bonnnngggggg!!! (famous Hanna Barbera sound effect)
TOM: Who says that there are no Family Values left in today's fiction?
> She reared back then collapsed on top of Julian.
CROW: Bastet is down!
> Julian kept screaming in hysteria and pain as Alistair
> dragged his daughters limp body off him.
MIKE: (Alistair) Well, I've protected you from my daughter, but with my
Aunt Gladys you're on your own.
> Then Alistair
> slapped the screaming young man till he stopped and started
> sobbing, drawing in huge draughts of breath with every sob.
TOM: That's not how you stop him from screaming. Here, let me. (slap)
Remain calm! (slap, punch)
(MIKE takes out a baseball bat, ala _Airplane_)
> Alistair looked him over carefully. He had what promised to
> be some nasty bruises and some truly vicious claw and bite
> marks from his neck to his waist.
MIKE: He had been dating Joan Rivers.
> With no medical supplies
> and no bedding to rip up for bandages Alistair could do
> nothing what so ever for Julian.
CROW: (Alistair) I guess I could rip up this ascot I'm wearing, but it's
made of silk!
> Nothing that is but help
> him escape.
TOM: Escape from the Planet of the Rapes.
> He looked at his unconscious daughter then knelt beside
> her to start stripping her of her clothes.
MIKE: Suddenly the story becomes an Arkansas family reunion.
> In a few minutes
> he had the sobbing young man dressed in her clothes
CROW: RuPaul!
TOM: (Alistair) I want you to play J. Edgar Hoover in a movie I'm
making.
MIKE: Jack Lemmon IS Julian Bashir in _Some Like It Cat_!
> and was
> leading him toward one of the vents set in the wall.
CROW: I KNEW it! Whenever vents are mentioned in a story, you can bet
that
someone's gonna be crawling around in them.
> "You can't stay here any longer.
TOM: (Alistair) My other boyfriend is pulling into the driveway!
> She's lethal.
MIKE: (singing) Poison Ivy...
> You have
> to get out.
ALL: (singing) We gotta get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do.
We gotta get out of this place.
CROW: (singing) Girl, there's a better life, for me and yoooouuuuu...
> Find your consort."
TOM: (Alistair) And don't forget to take a change of clothes.
> The content of Alistair's words sunk into Julian's
> terror filled mind.
MIKE: Your mind would be terror-filled too, if your mentor forced you to
wear a dress.
> "Find Alis.."
CROW: (Julian) Fifth Element... It must be found...
> "Yes, Find Alis.. I heard rumours that she was sent on
> her life hunt before we were transferred to this hell hole.
TOM: (Alistair) And to think I came to this college because they claimed
to
be a party school.
> All Noblewomen sent on their life test must head for the
> First Mother's temple at the mouth of the Life River. That's
> in the middle of the First Mother's reserve.
MIKE: They keep their goddess in a wildlife preserve?
> Head for that
> boy, it's a wilderness area.
CROW: (Alistair) It's the Hundred Acre Woods.
> You can't miss it.
TOM: (Alistair) We only have one wilderness area on this planet.
MIKE: Wow, talk about urban sprawl.
CROW: (Julian) Wouldn't I get lost in a wilderness without a compass
while
bleeding to death? The things I do for my girlfriend...
> Once you get
> there, find the river and face the sun,
TOM: (Alistair) Burn out your retinas.
> then start following
> the river in that direction."
MIKE: (singing) I'll follow the sun...
> "Find the river..."
> Alistair looked at the vent then stretched as far as he
> could to try reach it.
> "That's right, find the river."
> The vent was beyond his reach.
CROW: So the Felistians did some moderate escape-proofing. That's good
to
know.
> "Damn... To high.."
TOM: (Steve Martin) Very well. High, I damn thee.
> He raced across the room to the bed and dragged it
> across to the wall. All the while Julian watched him, like a
> Zombie awaiting instructions.
MIKE: (Julian) So after I eat the brains, then what?
> "Where was I..."
CROW: In a really disturbing fanfic.
> "Find river.."
TOM: Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust Whitey. See a doctor and
get
rid of it.
> "Oh yes.. Find the river,
MIKE: Pick it up, and all day you'll have good luck.
> face the sun and follow it in
> that direction.
CROw: And straight on 'til morning.
> You'll either met Alis on her way back from
> the temple,
TOM: Or while you're going to St. Ives.
> or arrive at the temple eventually.
MIKE: Julian Bashir, religious pilgrim.
> If you get
> to the temple first, wait there.
CROW: Wait for Indiana Jones to show up.
> Don't leave it's confines.
TOM: (Alistair) Stay a while and look around. The architecture is
stunning.
> It's the only place on this who damn world you'll be safe."
MIKE: (The Doctor) Damn this world!
> "Safe.."
CROW: Passage..
> Alistair climbed onto the bed and found he could easily
> pull the vent cover away.
CROW: But it was only moderate escape-proofing, see?
> He pulled it off and tossed it
> onto the bed,
TOM: (Julian) Ow!
MIKE: (Alistair) Sorry. Didn't see you lying there.
> then he reached down to yank Julian onto the
> bed.
TOM: (Alistair) What do you say, Julian? How about one last shag, for
old
times' sake?
> "There's a law against violence in the First Mother's
> Temple. Anyone who commits an act of violence dies.
CROW: (Alistair) There's also a law against going shirtless in public.
Anyone who's caught is fined 25 dollars.
> Or so
> I've heard over the years.
MIKE: (Alistair) They may have changed that, in which case you'll be in
trouble. But I wouldn't worry about it.
> They're rather superstitious, no
> one will touch you, so long as you stay in the temple once
> you reach it."
TOM: Felistians are a cowardly and superstitious lot.
> "Stay in temple."
CROW: Read the Torah.
> "Right. Now. Up you go," Alistair said as he knelt down
> to boost Julian up.
> It took a few moments for Julian to gather what was
> called for.
MIKE: An end to this story.
> "Climb into the vent, Julian."
TOM: Head towards the light...
> Julian took the helpful boost then scrambled into the
> vent.
CROW: Poor sucker. He doesn't know that the vent leads straight to the
furnace.
> "Don't forget, head for the wilderness and find the
> river of life..
MIKE: Purchase it and other fine Billy Joel CD's.
> Follow it to the temple."
TOM: (Alistair) And while you're out, pick me up a quart of milk and a
dozen eggs.
> Julian didn't even stop to listen for further
> instructions.
CROW: (Alistair) Oh, and if you see a magic mushroom...
MIKE: (Julian) I wonder if that's important. Naaahhhh.
> Once inside the vent, he scrambled along it as
> fast as he could.
TOM: And bumped into Bruce Willis coming the other way.
> "God go with you, son, you need all the help you can
> get,"
CROW: For the first time, Alistair said something I agree with.
> Alistair murmured then knelt to pick up the vent cover
> and replaced it,
MIKE: (Alistair) I would have escaped with him, but Harriet Tubman is
coming by tomorrow.
> then he shifted the bed back to its
> original position.
TOM: Is this really the best time to be worried about the room's Feng
Shui?
> "No need to let them know how you got out,"
CROW: Yup, there's no WAY they'll ever figure this out. Not with such
an
original escape plan.
> he said as
> he picked up the water jug and sat on the edge of the bed
> near his unconscious daughters prone form.
MIKE: Just an unconscious, naked Princess and a missing slave. Nope,
They'll never know anything happened.
> He gave Julian all the time he could to escape,
TOM: He borrowed Robert Jordan's wheel of it.
> using
> the jug to belt his daughter over the head every time she so
> much as twitched.
CROW: This is for Duke! This is for Falcon!! This is for me!!! And
THIS
is for the *U* *S* of *A*!!!!
MIKE: (Alistair) When I say be home by ten, young lady, I MEAN be home
by
ten!!
> **************************
> END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART FIVE
> ******************************************
TOM: _Stolen Memories_ was sentenced to life without parole in a maximum
security prison.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: The asterisks look like barbed wire.
>
> The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story
> that runs concurrently with "The Hunted".
>
>
> _____________________________________
>
> Standard disclaimers apply.
CROW: Fanfic not valid in Utah and Alaska.
> Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. Reprinting
> this story in whole or in part is denied without
> the permission of Mission Ops Productions
> first - except in cases of review.
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
> Send your comments to: hen...@zip.com.au
> ____________________________________________________
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL bridge. MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are gathered behind the
counter.]
TOM: Gentlemen and Lady, I have gathered you here because I have a
shocking
theory. I am convinced that Red Skye is actually William F.
Buckley.
GYPSY: What makes you think that, Tom?
TOM: First, I have substantial evidence that Red Skye is a conservative.
Exhibit A - Red Skye created a matriarchal society as a dystopia.
While many liberals believe that a matriarchy would be a bad thing,
not one of them would expend so much effort attacking the concept.
They would rather attack patriarchies.
CROW: You can't make sweeping generalizations like that, snack dispenser
head.
TOM: That's what ALL people like you would say, my fatuous confrere.
Exhibit B - one of the villains in _Stolen Memories_ is called "the
Sensualist", which indicates that the character's creator
associates
physical pleasure with evil.
MIKE: Maybe Red is conservative. That doesn't mean she's William
Buckley.
TOM: Ah, but you haven't heard my most convincing piece of evidence.
Red
Skye refers to... er, the male genitalia as one's manhood! As you
yourself pointed out, only one person refers to it as that!
CROW: There's a hole in your theory, Tomfool. Buckley would never write
porn.
TOM: That's why he used a pseudonym!
(MIKE shakes his head)
MIKE: Servo, Red Skye doesn't talk anything like William Buckley. He
would
probably refer to Alis as "the erudite young patrician", to name
just
one example.
TOM: Well then, who do YOU think she is?
MIKE: Isn't it obvious? She's Susan MacKinnon.
(The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it)
[Planet Bumper]
> He looked around to find the sensualist
> with his mouth around his manhood.