MSTied: Xuxaphobia II (KOOK, not Fanfic)
Dave Van Domelen
This one is dedicated to all you one-world Esperantists. }-> }
[Interior SOL]
<Servo is sitting at a computer terminal pretending he's actually operating it.
Meanwhile, Crow has a phone in his right claw and every so often tries to
reach over and dial on it with his left, but they don't seem to come
together>
Servo: Hey, here's another one!
Crow: Is it an 800 number? Mike blocked the 900 service, you know.
Servo: Yeah, it's an 800 number.
Mike <Popping up behind the two>: Aha!
Servo & Crow: AIIGH!
Servo: Don't DO that!
Crow: Yeah! It's not like we were looking up 1-800-DO-ME-NOW lines...D'OH!
Mike: I'm ashamed of you two. Don't you know that even 1-800 phone sex lines
are total scams, just out to get your credit card numbers and use them to
charge thousands of dollars to?
Crow: Of course we do!
Servo: That's why we're not using our credit cards.
Mike: Oh?
Crow: Yeah, we're using yours. Clever, huh?
Mike <grabbing phone away along with part of Crow's arm>: D'OH! Gimme that.
Besides, you're robots, you're not supposed to have human hormonal drives.
Crow: What about Kim Cattrell? RRRRrrrggglle!
Mike: What would you do with Kim if you got her?
Crow: Um...play Boogers?
Servo: C'mon, Mike. It's not as if we'll ever get out of here to see a real
woman, Nuveena notwithstanding. It's not the getting, it's the wanting!
Crow: Nuveena...just the word sends shivers down my, um, whatever I use for a
spine.
<Light Flashes>
Mike: Uh-oh, it's Benny sans the Jets. <hits button>
[Deep 13. Dr.F and Frank are on the screen.]
Dr.F: Hi, my lonely lilies.
Frank: Turn your crank to FRANK!
[SOL]
Crow: What in Louis Gazagger's name is happening here! Frank's gone! Live in
the now!
Mike: Easy there, dear. But he has a point, Dr.F. I thought TV's Frank was
assumed bodily into Second Banana Heaven.
[D13]
Dr.F: Ah! This is my Invention Exchange for the week, boobie. What with the
recent trend in movies of putting the starts into newsreel footage using
advanced computer effects, I'd been thinking of doing something like that
myself. And thanks to some inspiration from a fellow fiend in _Batman
Forever_, I hit on this: 3-D morph-insertion holographics! This is
actually a set from a previous season, which I've placed myself into by
means of a holographic projector built into a blender!
Frank: Wynona!
[SOL]
Mike: You know, that's sick even for you. Virtual desecration of the corpse.
Tom: Yeah, and probably means he'll make us watch _Batman Forever_ for this
week's experiment, too!
Crow: I always wondered if Dr. Forrester had anything in common with the
Riddler aside from his bad fashion sense....
[D13]
Dr.F: What, give you a peek at THE summer blockbuster of 1995? No way,
Rosaritas! Why, the director is a man after my own heart. But before
I tell you what the experiment is, do your invention.
Frank: WyNOna!
[SOL]
Mike: Um, I thought we stopped doing those.
Tom: I have an invention, actually.
Crow: Really?
Tom: Yes. I call it the "Nomenclature Emphasis Phase Shifter" and it can let
YOU control what part of your name you want to be called by. Earlier
in this segment, I had it set to "Servo," and now it's set to "Tom."
Crow: Neat! Gimme!
Tom: Hey!
Master of All he Surveys: This is great! I can feel my self-esteem rising
already!
Worthless Peon: Give that ba...hey! Stop that!
Giver of RAMchips To Master of All he Surveys: I can see how this can get
annoying very quickly.
[D13]
Poopiehead: Okay, just for that, you little sex-starved cretins, I'm sending
you a post from alt.fan.xuxa, a newsgroup devoted to the hottest kiddie
show host in the world. But just in case you think you can drool over
some nice images of her, it's not really about her at all. Instead it's
a batch of McElwainian ravings trying to link Xuxa to South American
Nazis. It seems to be his life's mission to warn everyone about the
dangers of this spandex-clad leader of moppets. Have fun!
[SOL]
All: We have Net.Kook Sign!!!!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...< >
Tom: There, I've unplugged the dratted thing.
Newsgroups: alt.tv.xuxa
Subject: Xuxaphobia II
Crow: You mean this is a sequel?
Tom: Like Free Willy 2?
Crow: Or Under Contr...er, Seige 2?
Mike: Or Batman Forever? Yep, looks like it.
Tom: Sequels always take the halfway-decent premise of the original and then
utterly destroy it.
Crow: You mean Xuxaphobia I had a halfway-decent premise?
Mike: I doubt it.
Message-ID: <3rrube$7...@emerald.tufts.edu>
Tom: The Cau$es of Rrube$.
From: tcon...@emerald.tufts.edu (Thomas Connolly)
Date: 16 Jun 1995 08:44:30 -0400
Mike: You have to get up pretty early to evade the crack thought police
of "La Mehengel."
Crow: La who?
Mike: I have the liner notes. Xuxa's real name is Graca Mehengel.
Organization: Tufts University
NNTP-Posting-Host: emerald.tufts.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Lines: 39
Crow: Well, at least it's sMMMPHG! <Mike clamps down on his beak>
Mike: Don't invoke a demon, Crow.
Tom: Yeah, any time we say it's not going to be that bad, IT IS.
Mike: And worse.
> : Did you know that the Rockefellers were crucial in the foreign policy
Tom: Yep, definitely McElwainey. He had a thing for the Rockefellers too.
Crow: What's with the extra piece of quotation? Was he following up on
himself?
Mike: Lemme check the liner notes...ah, says here all of his posts have quote
notation in front of them, although no one's sure why. It always looks
like he's quoted someone else's article and not added anything.
Tom: Maybe he wants it to look like there's other people who agree.
Crow: Or maybe he has no clue how to operate a newsreader.
Mike: That seems more likely.
> : decision taken by Franklin D. Roosevelt to foster friendly relations
> : between the nations of Latin America and the USA?
Mike: Soooo, Xuxa is FDR's love child?
> This was the so-called
> "Good Neighbor Policy."
Crow: Xuxa can be *my* "Good Neighbor" any time. Rowr.
Mike: Calm down, Crow.
> The late Nelson Rockefeller was dispatched to
> Hollywoood where he and the late John Hay ("Jock") Whitney waylaid
Tom: ...the late...
> Orson
> Welles and sent him
Crow: ...to an apocryphal restaurant meeting with...
Tom: ...the late...
Crow: ...Ed Wood Jr.
> to Brazil to make a film. (Welles worked for RKO--a
> studio that Joe Kennedy had an interest in).
Mike: What, no mention of Welles's obvious participation in the coverup of
early Soviet Cosmosphere landings with "War of the Worlds?"
Crow: Yeah, the real Robert McElwaine woulda mentioned that.
> Welles met disaster
Tom: In the form of the ill-fated "Nero Wolfe" series.
> with
> "It's All True."
Crow: Lies! All Lies!
> The Rockefellers didn't want any one to know that
> people of color lived anywhere save Biloxi
Mike: Hence their successful suppression of the existence of Africa during
that period.
Crow <mobster voice>: Ey, Mistah Geography teacha! Th' boss would be
unhappy if'n youse told people that people of color live in Africa.
And if he's unhappy, we might'n break a few globes, capish?
> --so they scuttled Welles.
Tom: Obviously this was before he was too bouyant to send to the bottom.
Crow: Or before his bottom was bouyant.
> They were more interested in Disney fare: "The 3 Amigos" and Carmen
> Miranda.
Crow: Steve Martin is a Disney pawn?
Mike: Wrong "Three Amigos."
> THIS IS NOT TO IMPLICATE MIRANDA--indeed it more likely she was
> a victim.
Tom: Yeah, Carmen had rights!
Crow: If you think I'm going to even *dignify* that lame gag....
> You know--sudden death syndrome.
Mike: Death by fruity hats. I've seen it, it's not pretty.
> She wasn't ever willing to
> be the tool of international bankers and "one-worlders" so, guess what?
Mike <Carmen Miranda voice, or an unreasonable facsimile>: Down with the UN!
> She drops dead.
Tom: You have the right to remain very silent for a very long time.
> (There is some justice though--the original Mr.
> One-World himself, Wendell Wilkie died "suddenly"--not before Drew
> Pearson could start spreading rumors of his affair with Mme. Chiang
> Kai-shek. Internecine rivalry though, bounced the rumor (about a Mme.
> Chiang Kai-shek love affair) back via Henry
> Luce, to Pearson himself.
Tom: Correct me if I'm wrong, but if this was about Xuxa, shouldn't she
be showing up somewhere in the rantings?
Mike: Well, first he has to get the boilerplate out of the way.
Crow: Sheesh, this guy seems to be reducing the complexities of world politics
to a bad soap opera. "As the World Churns."
> And lest we forget, Adlai Stevenson "dropped
> dead" in London when the Kennedys were finished with him.
Mike: Insert obligatory Teddy Kennedy partying joke here.
Crow: 'E's not dead, 'e's just restin'!
Tom: Sleeping off a whale of a One-World Hangover.
>
> So, David Rockefeller sits on the throne of the world. GATT is a done
> deal and there's only one problem--for some reason Pedro the
> Cane-cutter and
> Joe Who-Screws-Nuts-on-Bolts both smell a rat.
Mike: Why to these anti-One-World types always have to perpetuate negative
stereotypes?
Tom: I think it has something to do with hating all the foreigners who would
be in any "one world government."
Mike: Oh.
> David R. is no slouch.
Crow: You got that right! He's been so clever that only total nutballs like
TConnell have stumbled onto his plans!
> There's got to be a way...he's going to get at the fathers through
> the
> children.
Crow: He wants to control Roman Polaski?
Mike: I'm going to have to do a serious check of your database, young man.
> He doesn't want to wait a whole generation though--so let's
> make a media bullet that's sugar-coated with sex appeal.
Tom: His mixed metaphor gives a whole new meaning to "Bite the Bullet".
Crow: And "A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine Go Down."
Mike: Sugar-Frosted Bombshells?
> Voila--Xuxa!
>
Tom: Yay! He's managed to wrench the post onto the group's topic!
Crow: Sugar-coated Xuxa. Yum.
Mike: Crowwww....
> Ever looked at the corporate sponsorship of the Xuxa program closely.
Mike: Well, it's produced in the US at CBS studios.
Crow: They're the Tiffany Network. Wonder why Tiffany's not on any of their
shows, though.
> Why do you think Forbes magazine is thumping the tub to beat the band.
Tom: This is such a sick and twisted mixed metaphor that you can *feel* Crow
biting his tongue.
> Friends, let's face it, the paquitas are the Rockefeller Jugend.
Crow: What's a paquita?
Tom: Or for that matter, a Jugend?
Mike: Well, according to the liner notes, a paquita is one of Xuxa's nubile
young assistants. And I think Jugend is some kind of "Hitler Youth"
reference.
> Now,
> let's face something else--the war is over and we lost.
Crow: But losing never felt so good!
Tom: Personally, I'm insulted that he's including me in his 'we' statement.
The only losers are conspiracy kooks like him.
Mike: Besides, how does he know we're not members of the international
Bolshevik Rockefeller Conspiracy?
Tom: Da, er, yeah.
> So take to the
> hills (I mean really take to the hills and start up El Sendero Luminoso
> del Norde)
Crow: I prefer "Sendero Luminoso Alegria" myself.
Mike: Shiny Happy Path?
> or get yourself an arm band sporting: Viva Las Paquitas.
> Horst Wessell is alive and well and living off of "Xuxa and her show."
Mike: Ah, invocation of Godwin's Law, although with a more obscure Nazi. Says
in the liner notes that TConnell also compares "La Mehengel," his pet name
based on her real name, with Mengele.
Tom: At least he's a classically-trained net.kook.
Crow: It's over! Let's get outtahere!
< >...1...2...3...4...5...6....
Mike: It also says here that TConnell has such a vast knowledge of Xuxa fandom
because he was once a rabid fanboy himself, rumored to have even proposed
marriage to her.
Tom: I see! And when spurned, he became a twisted fiend plotting the downfall
and defamation of his once-beloved!
Crow: I prefer to think of him as always having been a twisted fiend, deep
down. He'd probably have stalked her if he lived in Brazil and could get
past her army of bodyguards.
Mike: The internet...for when you can't stalk your celebrity obsession in
real life.
Tom: The sad thing is, the new communications bill does nothing about this
kind of obscenity.
<light flashes, Mike hits it>
[D13]
Frank: Wynona!
Dr.F: There seem to be a few bugs in this program...like the fact I can't
actually kill this holographic Frank. And he seems to be in a loop.
Push...er, never mind.
<WOOSH!>
> Friends, let's face it, the paquitas are the Rockefeller Jugend.
Mike Czaplinski
>
> In article <3rtf3a$k...@charm.magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu> dva...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen) writes:
> >{Sorry about not calling dibs on the list, it was a matter of see it/do it.
> >This one is dedicated to all you one-world Esperantists. }-> }
>
>
>
> Roger M. "En la mondo venis nova sento,
> Tra la mondo iras forta voko;
> Per flugiloj de facila vento,
> Nun de loko flugu g^i al loko." Wilcox
AMEN!
Mike "PLAY BALL!" Czaplinski
mike.cz...@washingtondc.attgis.com
Roger M. Wilcox
>This one is dedicated to all you one-world Esperantists. }-> }
I beg your pardon -- I'm a 17-world Esperantist! ;-)
Roger M. "En la mondo venis nova sento,
Tra la mondo iras forta voko;
Per flugiloj de facila vento,
Nun de loko flugu g^i al loko." Wilcox
--
Roger M. Wilcox rog...@cisco.com (a.k.a. tra...@netcom.com (Jeff Boeing))
------------------- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low. -----------------
MSTie #38188 | Dvorak keyboard - Esperanto - Ross Perot - ProLog - Amiga 2000
| Do I follow lost causes, or what?
Roger M. Wilcox
>> Tra la mondo iras forta voko;
>> Per flugiloj de facila vento,
>> Nun de loko flugu g^i al loko." Wilcox
Darn! I made a grammatical error. That "mondo" in the first line should
be "mondon". (You know, accusative, to indicate motion towards?)