[MiSTing] - Boost Your Sex Appeal!

[Sylvan SilverNight]

Well, after the positive responses I have gotten on my first MiSTing, I
have set out to do another one. And here it is. I've gone from the
JOEL era to the PEARL era and levelled the guns at a piece of
sales-tripe that was not only lame but laughable in the extreme! I've
also started posting these on my personal website at the bottom of the
index page. (http://www.visi.com/~phantos)

===============================================================================

(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)

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(Scene: SOL Interior. White sheets and blankets are draped over
objects in the background. CROW is lounging on the main console -also
draped in a white sheet- with his legs crossed and head reclining. He
is wearing a stringy, platinum-blonde wig. A small bottle labeled
"Obsession" is near his feet. TOM, dressed in a tuxedo, slowly rises
into frame in the extreme foreground on the right of the screen.)

TOM: Obsession.
CROW: (in a dreamy, wispy voice) My life is an empty void.
TOM: Obsession.
CROW: The sky is a canopy of my desires ... an empty void.
TOM: Obsession.
CROW: The void beckons to me. (MIKE walks in from stage left behind
CROW and looks at the two bots)
TOM: Obsession.
CROW: The unbearable lightness of being tears at my soul...
(stammering, he quickly adds-) ...Uh, in an empty void...
TOM: Obsession.
MIKE: (interrupting) Hey guys, what's all this?
CROW: (turning his head to MIKE, speaking in his normal voice) Oh, hey
Mike! Guess what? Tom here, came up with a new fragrance; and
-frankly- it's really exciting!
MIKE: A new fragrance?
TOM: Yeah; the perfume industry was just goin' nowhere so I mixed a bit
of this with a ton of that and voila! Instant love-in-a-bottle!
(switching to a more mercenary tone) I'm gonna make a fortune Nelson, so
don't interrupt!
MIKE: (nodding and backing off a few steps) Ok, Ok... I'll just stand
back here.
CROW: (leans forward and takes a deep whiff of the small bottle. he
tilts his head back) It's like a whirling, spinning dervish of desire...
TOM: Good! ...good! Hold that feeling! (clears his throat and turns
back to the camera) Obsession.
CROW: (in his dreamy, wispy voice again) White walls surround my
consciousness, locking me into the empty void.
TOM: Obsession.
CROW: The Hounds of Tindalos bay at my soul; adrift in the empty void.
TOM: Obsession.

(MIKE walks forward, raising his hand, looking meekly at TOM.)

MIKE: Uh guys, I hate to interrupt again...
TOM: (sighing) What is it now, Nelson?
CROW: Yeah! I still have sixteen more lines to do about the empty void...!
MIKE: Well, it's probably great an' all Tom, but isn't there already a
perfume called "Obsession"?
TOM: (exasperated sigh) Well, I suppose... (TOM does a double-take)
What? There is?!!
MIKE: (nodding) Sure thing... I got some for my sister (counts on his
fingers) four Christmases ago...
TOM: (aghast and peeved) Oh, well this is just great! (TOM starts
"stomping" up and down, angry) Here I spend all my time mixing exotic
compounds and coming up with a killer ad-campaign, and *you* just waltz
in here and tell me that there's already an "Obsession"! Thanks, Mike!

(Crow sits up; his wig falls off)

CROW: Yeah; great way to crush a man's hopes and dreams, Nelson!

(MIKE looks surprised by the outburst and spreads his hands innocently.)

MIKE: "Crush hopes and dreams"? I didn't mean to...
TOM: (interrupting) I might as well just sit in my room and poke
pencils up my nose, shouldn't I, Mike? (sobbing) Creativity just
isn't worth it! Pardon me, I think I should be alone right now... (he
spins off-camera to the right)
MIKE: Tom! I'm sorry; come back! You can always call it something
else... (he goes running off after TOM)

(camera goes in for a closeup on CROW as commercial sign lights flash.)

CROW: Obsession.

(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)

(SOL Interior. The white sheets are all gone and MIKE is comforting
TOM, who is sitting on the main console. The small bottle of
"Obsession" is next to him.)

MIKE: There, there, Tom... We all know you did good work...
TOM: (with a sniffle) Yeah, well, I suppose it's for the best. It
wasn't much more than vinegar, olive oil and garlic, anyway...
MIKE: (nodding knowingly) Well, it was a valiant effort.
TOM: I guess so... (sighs) I can always go with my second plan anyway.
MIKE: See? That's the spirit! What's your second plan?
TOM: Well, I thought I could slap some famous celebrity's face on the
bottle and sell it as a salad dressing. (getting enthused) Do you
think Paul Newman might be available?

(MIKE looks like he doesn't know what to say as the lights flash.)

MIKE: Uhhh ... we'll talk about this later, Tom... Pearl's calling.
(he hits the button)

(Castle Forrester Interior. PEARL is standing at a table set with a red
and white checkered table cloth and covered with loaves of french bread,
a crock pot, some cheese and other things for a picnic. BOBO walks by
in the background carrying a watermelon.)

PEARL: Ahhhh, Nelson. How nice to see you again. You know, things down
here just couldn't be any better... Bobo's got his ticks under control,
Brain Guy's been fixing up the old Forrester homestead and I'm just
about to embark on my latest endeavor to rule the world! Care to guess how?

(SOL. CROW has joined MIKE and TOM.)

MIKE: (shrugging) Ahhhh... Forcing everyone to eat too much pasta
salad on a sunny day?

(CF)

PEARL: Oh, Nelson. (she sighs) You are *so* clueless! I'm going to
have a picnic and meet the neighbors!

(BOBO walks by again carrying a large sun umbrella and two folding chairs.)
(SOL)

CROW: How's that gonna help you rule the world? (turning to MIKE) I
thought you said her cooking could kill a small herd of elephants?
MIKE: (wincing and sounding nervous) Bad? Pearl's cooking? I'd never
say anything like that... (turning to TOM) You know I'd never say
that, right?

(CF)

PEARL: (eyes narrowing) This has been a really good day so far Nelson,
so I'll ignore your little insults...

(OBSERVER walks up behind PEARL with a large picnic basket)

OBSERVER: Ahhhh... Your Malevolence, the -uh- basket you requested...
PEARL: (all sweetness and light) Ahhhh... Thank you Brain Guy; now go
and fetch the main course.

(OBSERVER nods and dashes off-camera)

PEARL: You see Nelson, if the neighbors think you're a cold, ruthless
megalomaniac, they're not very likely to let you babysit their kids, let
alone rule their lives. In fact, they usually start setting up
neighborhood watches, vigils and angry mobs if they even get a whiff of
a world-domination plot...

(OBSERVER returns at a brisk pace bearing a tray covered with a sheet)

OBSERVER: Here you are, Pearl. The piece d'resistance!
PEARL: (continuing) But if you play all nicey-nice with them and invite
them 'round for some burgers and tuna-noodle casserole, then they're on
your side. And just to make sure they are...

(OBSERVER pulls off the sheet revealing a plate of deviled eggs.)
(SOL)

CROW: What? Deviled eggs?
TOM: What're you gonna do Pearl, give everyone Salmonella? (snicker)

(CF)

PEARL: Laugh now, robot, but the last laugh will be mine!
OBSERVER: You see, Madame Forrester has many influential contacts and friends...
PEARL: Yeah, and you might say that one of them was able to give me a
truly mind-bending recipe for some *real* deviled eggs...

(SOL)

ALL: You don't mean...!

(CF)

PEARL: Yep! May I present the newest employee at Castle Forrester, Chef Pitch!

(PITCH enters from stage right with a white chef's hat. he's carrying a
bowl that bubbles with steam and smoke)

PITCH: Thank you, my dear lady... Thank you...
PEARL: Anyway, Nelson, once my near, dear neighbors take a bite out of
Pitch's devilish culinary masterpiece, their souls will be mine, and
I'll rule the neighborhood!

(OBSERVER, PEARL and PITCH break into evil laughter. after a few
seconds, PEARL stops and makes a cutting motion with her hand. The
other two stop immediately.)

PEARL: Good, on the same page now, are we? Real deviled eggs - I end up
ruling the world. Got it? Good. Now, with all these preparations...
PITCH: (quietly to OBSERVER) Eye of newt is hard to come by, you know.
OBSERVER: (nodding with a shrug) I can only guess it is so...
PEARL: ...I haven't really had a chance to come up with an evil film or
movie-of-the-week to sic on you.

(SOL)

ALL: Woo-hoo!
MIKE: Hey, Pearl! Thanks; we could use a break!

(CF)

PEARL: (continuing) So instead, I figured I'd just forward you a copy
of this crappy email I got a few weeks ago. Tell 'em, Brain Guy.
OBSERVER: (clearing his throat and nodding.) Certainly. Apparently,
the originator of this message is a vendor from a company who only has
your lesser, biological needs in mind. In fact, they've come up with a
phenomenal method for you to actually acquire a mate...
PITCH: (dipping his finger in the bowl and tasting it) It's a pretty
good concoction, if I do say so myself.
PEARL: Yep, it's another fly-by-night firm selling pheromones, Nelson.
It's a real stinker...

(PITCH breaks into evil laughter and PEARL shoots him a withering
glance. He goes quiet.)

PEARL: Have fun, Nelson... By the time you see me again, the
neighborhood will be mine! (She laughs evilly and motions for the
others to join in.)

(SOL - lights are flashing)

MIKE: Ahhhh...! We've got Email Sign!

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> Subject: BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL AND CHANGE YOUR SOCIAL AND SEX LIFE FOREVER.

MIKE: (sigh) Where were these guys when I was in High School?
CROW: Probably in Kindergarten...
MIKE: Was that an age joke, Crow?
CROW: (as if hard of hearing) What? What? (snicker)
MIKE: (in an old-sounding voice) Why you little whipper-snapper...

> Date: Tue, 19 Jan 99 11:16:56 EST
> From: 68...@acnielsen.com.au
> To: user@the_internet.com

TOM: Hey, it's the Internet equivalent of getting a 'window' envelope
addressed to "Resident"!
MIKE: I suppose there could be a few people out there with the name "user"...
CROW: No, that's "loser", Mike.
TOM: Sounds like one of those "John-Smith" kinda things...

>
> BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL AND CHANGE YOUR SOCIAL AND SEX LIFE FOREVER.

CROW: (in a 1950's shop-class-film voice) Yes, Industry and Chemicals;
making a better sex life for tomorrow!
TOM: So, happens if a Trekkie uses this stuff?
MIKE: Little Trekkies.
TOM: (shuddering) They must be stopped!

>
> SCIENCE AND NATURE'S SEXUAL SECRET WEAPON!

MIKE: Right; "Secret". I can see the C.I.A. now... "Who leaked the sex
life improvement formula?!!"
TOM/CROW: (in mischevious, Family Circus voices) Nobody...

>
> Scientists have isolated the natural Human male/female Pheromone attractants

TOM: "Attractants"? That can't be right.
MIKE: Actually Tom, it is. I just checked Merriam-Webster.
TOM: It is? Then why didn't *I* know that?
CROW: Did you replace all your old MS-libraries?
TOM: (stalling) Uh... Well, you know how it is; you get busy, you
schedule things, you forget...

> and they are NOW available to YOU,

CROW: Who, Me?

> legally, in the US.
>

TOM: At least until the Republicans ban it.

> ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKE NEVER BEFORE !

MIKE: Of course if you haven't had a sex life before, this isn't that
difficult of a promise to keep...

> IT'S GUARANTEED, or you pay nothing!
>

CROW: Offer void in Utah, South Carolina and Tennessee...
TOM: Operators are standing by...

> PHEROMONES in the News!

ALL: Ewwwww...!

>
> >From the NY Times to the LA Times.

CROW: (humming the "Star Spangled Banner")
TOM: (in a deep, narrator-type voice) From Sea to Shining Sea ...
Across Waving Fields of Grain ... Under the Purple Mountain's Majesty...

> USA Today, The Wall Street Journal,
> Psychology Today, 20/20, Hard Copy,

MIKE: "Hard Copy"; always a bastion of journalistic integrity.

> Single Living, Medical Tribune,
> Philadelphia Inquirer, Dateline, Discovery, Hustler, Playboy,

CROW: I read it for the articles...
TOM: Do you suppose Larry Flynt has a hand in any of this?
MIKE: (shuddering) Oooohhhh... Don't conjure up images like that...

> Rocky Mountain
> News, McCalls, Penthouse,

TOM: Y'know, the home-makers at McCalls must be *so* proud at the
company they're keeping...

> Cosmopolitan, BBC-TV, Colordao Telegraph, GQ,
> Time, Redbook, Fortune Magazine, and more.

CROW: ...Handgunning...
MIKE: ...Dragon Magazine...
TOM: ...The Journal of Irreproducable Results...

> Radio and Television Stations
> worldwide. All have reported

CROW: ...that they will continue to pay our blackmail requests.

> the scientific findings amidst excitement,
> controversy, commotion and thrill about pheromones and their potential use.

TOM: (as a Ron Popeil commercial) Literally thousands of uses...!
MIKE: Use Number 347: Kitchen and Bathroom tile cleaner! It'll
brighten your fixtures *and* attract potential mates...
CROW: It slices! It dices! It makes Juliette Lewis fall madly in love
with you!

>
> The Press Has Said it Better Than We Can.

MIKE: So ignore the rest of this message...

>
> "PUT IT TO THE TEST" MERIDIAN TV:

CROW: A subsidiary of "I Can't Believe They Invented It!".

> Sold extensively in the UK, phermomones were tested live on television in
> the UK, when the unknowing female presenter was VERY ATTRACTED to one of the
> twin guys, he was wearing "Androstenone Pheromone"

CROW: From Liz Taylor.
TOM: Obsession.

> but she did not know
> this, and did not know why she was attracted to him !
>

MIKE: But it probably had something to do with the fact that he had a pulse.

> US NEWS and WORLD REPORTS

CROW: Denies any responsibility for the claims of this product.

> "The key to starting a love affair might be right under your nose.

CROW: What, boogers?
TOM: That was childish, Crow.
MIKE: (shaking his head and chuckling) Sheesh...

> Scientists have just announced the discovery of a virtual sixth sense,

MIKE: ESP?
CROW: Skeletal alignment?
TOM: Umami?

> a
> tiny organ in the nasal cavity that responds to chemicals known as
> pheromones. These natural substances are thought to play a role in basic
> human emotions such as fear, hunger--and love."

MIKE: Not knowing for sure, we still feel completely comfortable in
advocating their non-prescription use in daily life!

> FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
> "An imaginative University of Utah anatomist named David L. Berliner was

CROW: ...later found to have made up this whole scam!
TOM: Ich bin ein Berliner?
MIKE: (looking at TOM) You don't look like a jelly doughnut...

> working with substances that occur in human skin. When he left some of the
> extracts in open vials around the lab, he noticed a sudden, puzzling rise in
> camaraderie among a previously acrimonious group of researchers working with
> him.

TOM: At first, he thought it might be due to the hemp they'd been burning...

> When he changed the extracts a few months later, the group resumed its
> contentious ways. Berliner froze and saved the extracts.

CROW: He also froze and saved his co-workers for future study.

> Nearly 30 years later,

MIKE: ...he is still roundly ridiculed for his Frankenstein-like beliefs.
TOM: I can see it now... Kenneth Branagh's "Mary Shelly's Dr.
Berliner". (shudders)

> ... thanks to a method of containing drugs and
> cosmetics inside tiny, spongelike polymer spheres,

TOM: Also known as L'eggs pantyhose containers...

> he returned to the
> subject. In 1989 he ... has isolated the suspected good-fellowship
> pheromones -- behavior-controlling substances similar to those already known
> to stimulate sexual activity in animals.

MIKE: Whoa! Whipping into the present tense here...!
TOM: The pheromones must be effecting his mind.
CROW: Either that or he never passed 6th grade Grammar.

> (One whiff of a pheromone called
> aphrodisin from a female hamster and a male is ready to mate.)

CROW: A male "what" is ready to mate?
MIKE: I don't know about the laws in your state, but it'd better be
another hamster...
TOM: Yes, aphrodisin grants all small rodents incredible chess-playing skills!
MIKE: (clearly impressed) Not bad, Tommy...
TOM: Thank you ... thank you...

>
> On March 3, 1998 FOX Affiliate, WSVN in Miami did a story on Pheromones,

CROW: "When Pheromones Attack!"

> stating, "If you're looking for love, we've got a potion for passion." ...

MIKE: Later, the three witches of Endor filed suit in a Florida state
court for copyright infringement.

> "Tonight, a secret weapon to attract the opposite sex. Researchers
> developing their own passion potion. Ever been attracted to someone but
> weren't really sure why?

TOM: This is known as the Michael Richards effect...
MIKE: It almost sounds like getting a date drunk at a sports bar...
CROW: And you'd know nothing about that; *would* you Mike?
MIKE: Hey!

> .... More and more research is pointing to
> chemicals these days.... undetectable chemicals...

CROW: ...magical chemicals...
TOM: Mike, doesn't this fly in the face of the War on Drugs?
MIKE: Wrong type of chemicals Tom...

> pheromones ... a clear
> odorless liquid"
>
> Customers Say:

CROW: "It burns! It burns!"

>
> "... works as advertised, best product of its' kind"
>
> I've always had trouble meeting women

TOM: No matter how nicely I'd stalk them, they'd always resort to their
can of mace.

> -then I tried your product.

MIKE: Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me...

> Now girls
> come up to me and introduce themselves all the time!

CROW: Even without their lawyers!

> I'd like to know if
> your product is available in a larger quantity so I can make sure I'm never
> without it!
> -Dave J

TOM: What a romantic story. Kinda reminds me of "Sleepless in Seattle".
CROW: Would Dave J be played by Tom Hanks then?
TOM: No; we know that he gets the girl in the end and we wouldn't want
to strain credibility...

>
> I've been driving a tractor trailer for about 6 years and I'm on the road
> all the time.

MIKE: (laughing) Y'know, I don't think the testimonial of a lonely
trucker is exactly a high endorsement.

> It's been impossible to meet women until I tried pheromones.
> Now every truck stop I pull into I meet new women, and many of them ask me
> out. Thanks!

CROW: (in a falsetto) Oh, you big hunk of man; could you come on out
back with me?
TOM: (in deep, trucker voice) Why sure, little lady...
CROW: WHAMM!!
TOM: (in a stunned-sounding voice) Uhhhh... What hit me?

> -Tom on the Road Again,

ALL: (singing) On the Road Again... Fakin' out Women on the Road Again...
CROW: Do you suppose this guy entrapped many women this way?
MIKE: Only until he met "Large Marge" on I-94 one night. He's sworn off
the pheromones ever since.
CROW: Ouch.

>
> WHAT ARE PHEROMONES?

TOM: Didn't one of the testimonials already answer this question?

>
> Pheromones are a naturally occurring chemical compound found in all insects,

CROW: Like Steve Buscemi?

> all animals, and in humans. When pheromones are secreted they dictate sexual
> behavior and attract the opposite sex. Be careful. Animal pheromones do NOT
> attract humans.

TOM: So, when buying pheromones, be sure to buy quality ACME pheromones...

>
> Have you ever wondered why people who are not particularly attractive seem
> to attract dates like flies to honey? They seem to have some "chemical
> attraction" about themselves. Some call it animal magnetism.

CROW: Most call it "money".
TOM: You know, I'm not sure I'd want to use a product that likened it's
successful users to flies.

> It may be
> pheromones. Now you can have that "chemical attraction" whenever you want.

MIKE: Sounds more like Krazy Glue to me.
TOM: I met with my wife using Krazy Glue-brand pheromones and our bond
has been inseparable! (snicker)
CROW: 'Till death do us part ... and not even then!
MIKE: Separation-solvent sold separately.

>
> PHEROMONES - THE FACTS

CROW: Well, actually, they're more like educated guesses...

>
> Pheromones are natural chemicals which play an important role in
> sexual communication.

TOM: Ok, so that one was a fact... Mike, explain to me why we'd be
interested in this sort of thing?
MIKE: (nervously) Uh, well Tom... Some humans feel that they need help
with... -well- they ... -uh- look, can you ask Pearl about this later?
TOM: What? Why?
CROW: Sheesh, Mike! Don't beat around the bush! Servo, it's simple.
Many humans like smelly things and occasionally -just occasionally-
their socks don't cut it. These pheromones fill in the gaps! Am I
right Mike?
MIKE: Uh, yeah. You're right.
CROW: See, Tom?
TOM: But why not sulfur or bad milk or even moldy cheese? Why sexual chemicals?
MIKE: Uh ... uh ... Hey look! More stuff about animals...
TOM: Really? Where?
MIKE: (wiping his brow) Whew!

>
> Animals, including humans release chemicals in tears, saliva and
> perspiration. These chemicals send signals relating to mood and health to
> the subconscious awareness.

CROW: However, given bandwidth restrictions, the lag-time is huge.
MIKE: (snickering) Downloading Sex Drive ... Please Wait.

> One theory is that the dominant male will exude
> more of these chemical attractants than a submissive or weaker male.

MIKE: Also known as the Schwartzenegger-Gates Theory, the weaker male
then compensates by acquiring material goods to attract mates; shunning
and scorning those who could otherwise beat them into a bloody pulp in
the locker room.

> This chemical attracts more females to him. It is similar for woman
> attracting men. This natural attractant can also contribute to more intense
> excitement during love making (sexual foreplay and sexual intercourse).

CROW: "More Intense Excitement?" Woo-hoo! Go long, Tom!
TOM: You got it Crow! (a football silhouette flies from Crow's general
direction over Tom's head) Hey!
MIKE: (looking at Crow) How did you throw that?
CROW: Oh, Uh... I've been working out.
MIKE: Ah.

> Pheromones may also contribute to the dating phrase, "chemical attraction"
> that we all talk about.

TOM: As opposed to "Krazy Glue"; long thought to have been the origin of
the phrase.
MIKE: Ouch.

> WSVN-TV (March 3, 1998)
> "Ever been attracted to someone but weren't really sure why?

CROW: I betcha Tom Arnold asks himself this question every day...

> .... More and
> more research is pointing to chemicals these days.... Undetectable
> chemicals... pheromones ... a clear odorless liquid"

MIKE: Y'know guys, this goes light-years towards explaining Billy Joel.

>
> MORE RESEARCH AND REFERENCES:
> Following is some research done on products made by our manufacturer, and
> bottled under a different name.

TOM: So, their research has been bottled under a different name?
CROW: Yeah, "Lies".
MIKE: "Exaggerations."
TOM: "Litigation-Bait."

> It contains the same pheromone type and
> content as Hi-Octane

MIKE: So, basically, the examples they are about to give come from other
people's products that are similar to their own?
CROW: Well, as any Pepsi-drinker knows, they can easily sell themselves
on how good Coke is...
MIKE: Point taken, Crow.

>
> http://www.angelfire.com/fl/beaches69/index.html

TOM: Which no longer exists.

>
> ABOUT OUR PRODUCT:
>
> Hi-Octane (tm)

CROW: Yep! There's no scent more likely to turn on your woman than the
smell of hi-octane petroleum.
TOM: I can see it now: Truckers suddenly become centerfold models...
MIKE: Northwest Airlines Mechanics Union gets investigated for
soliciting sex...

>
> is made up of PHEROMONES suspended in witch hazel..

TOM: Along with plenty eye-of-newt, wing-of-bat, wart-of-frog...

> This product is
> designed to be added to your favorite cologne or perfume.

MIKE: So their product basically flies in the face of all that advice
you get about not mixing chemicals in other containers?
TOM: Oh Mike, get real! That's like saying no one ever tears the "Do
Not Remove" tag off of pillows.
MIKE: Well, all I'm saying is that there could be a chemical reaction...
TOM: Come on Mike, these guys are professionals! I'm sure they must
have tested this on hundreds of animals before they released it on the
human market!
MIKE: Well, given that these are *human* pheromones, I hardly think they
could have...
TOM: (sighing) Come on Nelson! Face the facts that they're a powerful,
god-like corporation dedicated to improving the dating life of hundreds
of other non-Mike-like people out there and you're just a sniveling,
little Greenpeace-er who is scared of his own shadow...
MIKE: (pondering) Well, I suppose your theory has *some merit... (does
a double-take) Hey!

>
> . contains both male and female PHEROMONES. Nature never intended for just
> one PHEROMONE to be present; but two, male and female. Our manufacturering
> process uses both PHEROMONES in ALL our products. This will not attract same
> sex;

CROW: Ooof! Harvey Fierstein must be *so* disappointed right about now...

> but works as nature intended, attracting the opposite sex.

TOM: (in announcer's voice) Yes, we here at Hi-Octane Inc. have
solicited the input of Mother Nature herself in the creation of our
splendid, mind-altering product. We can ensure you, the discriminating
public, that everything HiOctone provides is strictly as Nature intended...
CROW: (in falsetto) It's not nice to fool Mother Nature...
(stereotypical witch's cackle)

>
> . comes in 1/8 oz. Bottle with a small funnel so you can easily pour it into
> your cologne or perfume.

CROW: Whoa! Wait a sec; did we miss something?
MIKE: I don't *think* so, Crow...
CROW: But they left the subject of their sentence out... What do they
want us to do? Play MadLibs with their email?
TOM: Hmmmm... Guys, what noun "comes in 1/8 oz. Bottle with a small
funnel so you can easily pour it into your cologne or perfume"?
CROW: A Cat!
TOM: A Twinkie!
MIKE: Kate Moss!

> One 1/8 oz. bottle is enough to mix with 4 to 8 oz
> of your favorite perfume product.

TOM: Well, assuming that it's an 1/8 oz bottle of HiOctane, that's not a
bad deal. Still, since we don't know the subject of the sentence, we
can't be sure...

>
> Similar pheromone products have been sold for up to $100 elsewhere. We sell
> the the strongest product on the market today for only $39.95.

MIKE: The antidote, however, costs slightly more...

>
> BUY two -- get one free.
>
> The world's largest manufacturer of Pheromones, MC Marble,

CROW: McMarble? McDonalds got into masonry?
MIKE: Would you like a diet fresco with your tenement sir?
TOM: Sure, and super-size the frieze...

> now manufactures
> Hi-Octane (tm), a pheromone prodcut that is the "Most Powerful sexual
> attractant on the Market today."

MIKE: Well, right after a personality, good-looks and buckets of money,
that is...

>
> HI_OCTANE is made with two powerful synthesized human
> pheromones, Alpha-Androstenol and Alpha-Androstenone.

CROW: I dunno; I think I'll wait for the Beta versions, myself.

>
> HI-OCTANE will attract the opposite sex of the wearer.

TOM: Hey! It's an actual product claim! We can now sue for false advertising!

> McCall's magazine

CROW: ...refused to talk to us, so we made up the following quote:

> writes "...pheromones can improve one's love life, pheromones send out
> subconscious scent signals to the opposite sex that naturally trigger
> romantic feelings."

MIKE: Seems to me you could get the same result from a box of chocolate
or some oysters...

>
> HI-OCTANE according to the manufacturer, may also intensify sex, by
> increasing sexual pleasure and endurance of both partners, and creating a
> higher sexual ecstasy.

TOM: Mike, now tell me something; I'm confused about this. How does
someone "intensify sex"? Surely, it's an either-or thing.
CROW: Yeah Mike, I mean despite the claims of people like John Wayne,
Sylvester Stallone and Quentin Quisp, you can't really be *more* of a
man, can you?
TOM: Is Michelle Pfieffer any more of a woman than Angellica Houston?
Was Humphrey Bogart any more of a man than Rock Hudson?
MIKE: Uhhhh... I think you guys may be confusing "sex" with "gender".
TOM: Hey, Mike... I'm only going by what I read. And our friend here
definitely used the word "sex".
MIKE: (pondering) Hmmm... You're right. Maybe their product *does*
make you more of a man ... or woman.
CROW: Well what -exactly- does that *mean*, Mike?
TOM: Yeah, we wanna know!
MIKE: (after a pause) Y'know...
TOM/CROW: Yeeeeessssss...?
MIKE: I'm not really sure.
TOM/CROW: (sounding let-down) Oh.

> Individual results may vary.

MIKE: Contents may have settled during shipping.
CROW: Sex-life void in Utah.

> One private study
> claims that pheromones don't work for everyone. 75% of those trying it had
> success. Isn't it worth trying?

TOM: Why are you asking us?

>
> HOW TO ORDER Hi OctaneTM
>
> Hi OctaneTM is available from Euphoria Products.

MIKE: A subsidiary of Rapture Enterprises.

>
> A 1/8 oz. bottle with a convenient funnel (to be added to your favorite
> perfume)

TOM: You add the funnel to your favorite perfume?
CROW: That's what it says...

> is $39.95. Mix 1/4 of the bottle with every 2 oz of your favorite
> product.

CROW: Cheez-Whiz!
MIKE: Liquid Plumber!
TOM: 42!
MIKE/CROW: Hunh?
TOM: (plainly) My favorite product... Six times Seven.
MIKE/CROW: Ohhhh...

> One 1/8 oz. bottle is enough to mix with 4 to 8 oz of your favorite
> product.

TOM: Y'know, you'd think they'd be more specific about what kind of
product to add their formula to.
CROW: Yeah! Imagine the embarrassment if you mixed some with your car's gasoline!
MIKE: Well, your exhaust might get you noticed...

>
> ***

CROW: My God... It's full of stars!
TOM: Those are asterisks, Crow...
CROW: Well, duh!

>
> For a limited time, when you order two bottles (up to a two month's
> supply) of Hi Octane(tm), you'll get a third bottle ABSOLUTELY FREE.

MIKE: Granted, there will be nothing *in* the third bottle, but it'll
look swell next to the other two!

>
> ***

CROW: My God... It's full of...
MIKE: (interrupting) You already did that one, Crow...
CROW: Oh, yeah...

>
> Please add $3.00 shipping and handling per order. (regardless of how many
> bottles you order, you pay only $3.00 total!)

TOM: I wonder what the shipping cost for ten metric tons of pheromone
bottles would be?
MIKE: (chuckling) Let's not find out, Tom...

>
> UPS Second Day Air Delivery is available for an additional $9.00 per order.
> Overnight, add $15.00 per order.

CROW: For the guy who just can't wait for his mail-order sex appeal...

>
> Florida residents, please add applicable sales tax.

TOM: California residents, just turn on your tap. Your water bill will
be adjusted accordingly.

>
> For orders from outside of the US only ground shipping is available for $15.

TOM: How do they pull that off? What about orders in Japan? They just
crawl along the bottom of the Marianas Trench?
MIKE: Amphibious vehicles have made great advances lately, Tom...
CROW: Y'know, I think I'd really like to see them take a "ground
shipping" order to Istanbul.
TOM: Not Constantinople?

>
> Our manufacturing facility offers the STRONGEST pheromones on the market
> today.

TOM: Strongest? How do they know? I thought pheromones were "clear,
odorless, undetectable chemicals"!
MIKE: Is anyone else reminded of "the Emperor's Clothes"?

> Our manufacturing facility assures you that Hi-Octane will be always
> contain the male and female pheromones, the way nature intended it, to best
> attract the opposite sex for you.

CROW: Mike? What's the opposite sex for a robot?
MIKE: Hmmmm... I'd have to say an "android".
CROW: An android? Are you sure?
TOM: (in a loud whisper) Hey Crow, maybe Mike can fix you up with
Data... (snicker)
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: Tom, that wasn't very nice.
CROW: (sniffling) Yeah, everyone *knows* Data was just played by a
human actor...

> It is and will always be manufactured
> with the finest ingredients to assure your satisfaction.
>
> SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

CROW: See?

>
> Try Hi OctaneTM risk-free. Your satisfaction is unconditionally guaranteed.
> If you do not find you are meeting and dating and scoring with more people

TOM: Scoring? What does he expect the user to do, hang out in bowling alleys?
MIKE: Actually Tom, that might be the profile of their average customer...
TOM: Ohhhh... I get it; it'll actually help you fill out your teams for
Wednesday night bridge games, right?

> of the opposite sex after using High OctaneTM for 30 days, simply return the
> unused portion of your order at any time for a full refund--no questions
> asked.

CROW: Simply pour the unused portion into a tranquilizer dart and fire
it through an open window at our offices.

>
> Call 520-453-0303 Extension 404, 24 hours/day, 7 days/week for credit card
> orders. Have your MasterCard, Visa, American Express, and Discover Card
> ready and say, " I would like to order ___ bottles of High Octane."

TOM: Mike, how do you pronounce "___"?
MIKE: It's sort of like "!", Tom.

>
> If you would like to order by mail, you can send in a check or money order,
> or credit card information, along with your name and street address (no PO
> Boxes please)

CROW: Yes, no P.O. Boxes; we want to know where you live.

> and a day time phone number to:
>
> Euphoria Products Dept. 202
> 1859 No Pine Island Rd. Suite #133
> Plantation, FL 33322
>

(MIKE picks up Tom and heads out past CROW.)

TOM: Remember, you too can make someone love you for only $39.95!
CROW: And not just in Nevada!

(CROW gets up and follows MIKE and TOM.)

(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)

(The SOL is being shaken violently as MIKE, TOM and CROW fall back and
forth to the crashing sounds of thunder.)

MIKE: (frantically) Oh geez, what's going on out there now? Cambot!
Give me Rocket Number Nine!

(SOL exterior - A tiny model of a golden chariot is outside with cheesy,
fake-lightning effects arcing from it to the SOL. The chariot seems to
be filled with tiny trees and shrubs.)

(Switch to SOL interior - the hexfield viewscreen opens up revealing a
woman who looks like Bridget Jones sitting on a chariot amidst potted
trees, plants and taxidermized/stuffed animals. A beanie-baby is
perched on her shoulder. She gestures towards the screen and lights
flash and another boom resounds.)

MIKE: Hey, who the heck are you? (in an aside to TOM) Isn't that
Flavia from ancient Rome?
TOM: (whispering) I don't think so, Mike...
MOTHER_N: (in an angry, lilting voice) Impudent children! *I* am
Mother Nature! (resounding BOOM) And I take umbrage at this false god
you have established to attract mates...!
CROW: Hey! What 'false god'?
TOM: Yeah, we aren't false gods!
MOTHER_N: Don't you try to *fool* Mother Nature, little fireplug!
(another resounding BOOM) I am all-knowing and all-powerful! Do you
think I would have gone to all that trouble millions of years ago to
create a natural, fool-proof means of ensuring copulation only to have
some *SCIENTIST* (resounding BOOM) synthesize and bottle it?!! Just who
do you think you're dealing with?

(The guys rock back and forth again as more booms of thunder sound.)

MIKE: Wait a sec! Hang on there; it wasn't us!
TOM: Yeah, it was this guy on the Internet from Euphoria Products...
MOTHER_N: (blinking and doing a double-take) Euphoria Products? Didn't
I destroy them with a hurricane last year?
MIKE: Uh, I'm not really sure about that, but they made this stuff; not us.
CROW: Yeah; they sent a message out and somehow Pearl got it and kept it going...
MOTHER_N: Pearl? Who is this Pearl?

(Mike and the Bots look at each other slowly. MIKE smiles and then
adopts an innocent look on his face.)

MIKE: Pearl? Oh, she's just this lady who lives down there on Earth...
CROW: Yeah, she lives in that big castle right below us...
TOM: You can't miss her!
MOTHER_N: (working up a head of steam) And she is responsible for the
propagation of these affronts to Nature?!!
ALL: Yep!
MOTHER_N: (melodramatically) Well, she'll soon learn that it's not nice
to fool with Mother Nature...!

(another BOOM rocks the SOL as the hexfield viewscreen closes.)

MIKE: Whoa... That was kinda intense, wasn't it?
TOM: You think she'll *kill* Pearl?
MIKE: Oh, no... I don't think Mother N's a killer, Tom...
CROW: Yeah, she'll probably just rough her up a bit.

(the lights flash and MIKE hits them.)

MIKE: Uh, Mrs. F?

(CF - The place is a mess, PEARL is soaked, the sounds of lightning and
rain can be heard outside. BOBO and OBSERVER carry in the remnants of
the picnic. The deviled eggs are wet and sitting on the table in front
of PEARL.)

PEARL: Oooohhhh... Why of all the brazen, intolerant...

(SOL - MIKE and the Bots are snickering and trying to hide it.)

MIKE: What happened Pearl?
CROW: Yeah, feelin' under the weather? (snicker)

(CF)

PEARL: You wouldn't believe it! Things were going well enough, my
tuna-stuffed manicotti were all the rage when -all of a sudden- this
New-Agey Harley chick shows up on her chariot and calls me a "False
God"! Next thing you know, it's raining cats and dogs! My picnic was ruined!
OBSERVER: (butting in) It was quite traumatic.
PEARL: Yeah; "False God"! Me! Who does she think she is?
BOBO: Well, Lawgiver, I don't know much about picnics, but she did leave
her business card next to the guest book... (he hands PEARL a small,
white card)
PEARL: (reading aloud) Mother Nature... (slowly, she crumples it up
and tosses it to the floor) Brain Guy...
OBSERVER: (nervously) Uh, yes Madame?
PEARL: (in a cold voice) Show Bobo how to stoke the garbage-burning
furnace in the cellar and get me my rolo-dex.
OBSERVER: At once, your Vengefulness. (pausing) Uh, your rolo-dex?
PEARL: Yeah... It's time to start breakin' a few legs... (she smiles
and inspects her nails casually) Does the Smog Monster still hire
himself out as a hit man?

(OBSERVER grabs BOBO by the ear and leads him off-screen. PEARL turns
back to the camera.)

PEARL: Well, you're off the hook for now Nelson, but once I've dealt
with "Mother PETA" out there, I'll be back and you'll have more fresh
pain du-jour to worry about...! (she idly picks up a deviled egg.)
Until then Mike, enjoy the weather... (she laughs wickedly and pops the
deviled egg in her mouth. a BOOM of thunder sounds as her eyes go wide.
PEARL shivers in a little seizure once before falling over to the left.)

-----x-----

CREDITS:

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.

This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.

Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific
contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated
and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved
by Best Brains.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

This MiSTing is in no way connected with Roland Warner's superb MiSTing
of "You Can Now Dramatically Increase Your Sexual Attractiveness"
(April, 1997).

(Keep Circulating The Tapes)

> (One whiff of a pheromone called
> aphrodisin from a female hamster and a male is ready to mate.)