BATMAN & ROBIN SCRIPT MISTING (6/10)

[Badger]

>
>275 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT

TOM: So, it's still night.
MIKE: Yep. Pretty much.

>
> Moonlight illuminates the familiar castle out of
> nightmare.
>
>276 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM CORRIDOR
>
> Several ARMED GUARDS are rolling a giant

CROW: Joint!

> sub-zero refrig-
> erator on a gurney,

TOM: Get the refrigerator to sick bay, stat!

> the door chained and padlocked shut.
> Freeze is jammed inside, face visible through the torn off
> freezer compartment door.
>
> HEAD GUARD

MIKE: There's a specific rank.

> You're the common cold. And we're
> the cure. Welcome home, frost face.

TOM: Ah, yes, Guard Chicken Soup and Guard Asprin.

>
> FREEZE
> Allow me to break the ice. my name
> is Freeze. Learn it well for it is
> the chilling sound of your doom.

TOM: Very scary coming from a man stuck in an Amana.

>
>277 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL - NIGHT
>
> Glowing rings on the floor and ceiling project a shimmer-
> ing column of snowing cold within the center of the room.
>
> Two GUARDS dump a suitless Freeze

ALL: Yuck!

> out of his frigidaire
> prison onto the floor, begin dragging him into the cold
> field.
>
>278 Freeze throws off the Guards in a sudden fury, SHASHING
> one in the head with closed fists, kicking the other in
> the face.
>
>279 He rushes for the door.

MIKE: Afraid it will attack him.

> Mistake. As his body passes out
> of the hypothermic field, he tumbles to his knees, his
> skin turning gray as he begins to wither and die.
>
> GUARD (OVER)
> Look at him stew. How do you like
> your bad guy, medium or well done?

MIKE: I'm a vegetarian. I like my bad guys vegetables.
CROW: Like Poison Ivy(tm)?
MIKE: Yes. Oh, yes.

>
>280 The Guards stand over him, Laughing as he crawls back
> over the filed threshold. His color begin to return to
> normal.
>
> GUARD #2

ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
TOM: A joke beaten so far into the ground, it's reached China!

> Get used to it. You're gonna be here
> a very long time.
>
> Freeze looks up at the Guard who stands now at the wall
> sink, washing his hands. A beat. Then Freeze smiles.
>
> FREEZE
> I'm afraid not. You see the means
> of my liberation is in your hands.
> Sadly, you will not live to see it.

TOM: Water and fingernail dirt is his liberation?
MIKE: Let's not go there.

>
>281 EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY - NIGHT
>
> The entrance to an abandoned Turkish bath-house. Ivy and
> Bane approach a boarded-up portal.

CROW: Can someone confirm I am not hallucinating this.
MIKE: No.
TOM: No.
CROW <SIGHS>

>
> IVY
> Batface and Birdbrain turned out to
> be more resistant to my love dust
> than expected. No matter, I'll give
> them a stronger dose. next time,
> they'll literally be dying for me.
>
>282 Bane SMASHES through the wooden boards with joined fists,

TOM <BANE>: Avon calling!

> two by fours splintering like balsa. They disappear
> inside.

CROW: Er. His fists?

>
>283 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - NIGHT

TOM: Next to the Blue Oyster.

>
> Abandoned. Mid-eastern furniture crumbles. Slaves and
> sycophants cover the walls, weeping color.

TOM: Weeping sores.

>
> IVY
> A fixer-upper, yes. But with a
> certain homey charm.

CROW: Hey homey!

>
> That's when the shadows in the cave begin to move. One
> slips across the doorway. More appear on all sides,
> encroaching.

TOM <KOSH>: <WHEEDLE><TWINK><GDUNGE>If you go to the Turkish
Bathouse, you will die . . . <BUZZ><ZIP><HUM>
MIKE <PAUSES FOR A MOMENT>: You do that way too well.

>
> IVY
> Ah, a minus. Current tenants.

TOM: I'm noticing a lot of inhabited abandoned buildings here.

>
> One figure steps into a column of moonlight. Pale. The
> toughest of urban predators. These are a gang of punks
> called the GOLUMS.

MIKE <GOLUM>: What has she gots in her pocketses?

>
> GOLUM
> Hello, pretty.
>
> IVY
> Hello yourself. I love this place. I
> hope it's priced to sell.
>
> GOLUM
> We love you. You look good enough to
> eat.

ALL: We love you, you love me, we're a dysfunctional family.!
>
> IVY
> Oh, that I am. Come and get me.
> If you can.

TOM: It's catch the greased Ivy(tm) . . . er . . . never mind.
MIKE: No, go on . . .

>
> The Golums close in. IVY SLAMS the activation stud on
> Bane's chest.

MIKE: This stud's name is Hunk Manly.

>
>284 BANE - CLOSE. Venom is pumped from his backpack through
> the tubes on his back into his skull.

TOM: He lets his head inflate and makes it into balloon animals.

>
>285 The Golums attack. But Bane hurls them off like animals.
> Kick and beats them, tossing them into walls, until the
> survivors race away.

MIKE: Translation - insert interesting fight here.

>
> IVY
> For the strong, silent type, you are
> most persuasive. Let's redecorate.
> (crossing the baths)
> First, the light is all wrong.

TOM: No, it's made of photons, it's fine.

>
>286 Bane rips a hanging board from the ceiling, the old
> wooden planks tumbling to the floor, sudden moonlight
> streaming in from above.

MIKE: Ah, sudden moonlight. Like hanging on fast.

>
> IVY
> Also, what is this floor?

TOM: It's a flat surface you stand on or put things on.
CROW: It's not about the floor, Ivy(tm), it's about the gear!

>
>287 Bane stomps the floor, now revealing the dirt beneath.
>
> IVY
> Au natural.

MIKE: I'd like to see her that way.

> Still, I've always
> hankered for something on the water.

TOM: In GOTHAM(tm)? Here, have a slice of the river!

>
>288 Bane SHASHES a water main with his foot, irrigating the
> soil.
>
> IVY
> Now a little color. It took God
> seven days to create paradise.
>
> Ivy withdraws a handful of tiny seeds from Bane's satchel.

ALL: Eeeeewwwww!

> IVY
> Let's see if I can do better.
>
>289 Ivy drops the tiny plants on the ground. They begin to
> sprout into vines that spawn fast-budding flowers.
>
> Ivy lifts the Welcome to Gotham Bauble in her hand.

TOM: So that's what she calls it.

>
> IVY
> Bane, I've found a fellow who strikes
> my fancy. A cool customer, yes. Icy
> demeanor, no question. But I detect
> a certain ruthless charm I may be
> able to use to my advantage.
> (off the dead thugs)

TOM: It's Off the Dead Thugs with Stone Temple Pilots!

>
>290 INT. WAYNE MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CROW: Does anything interesting ever happen in the day here? Do
they have night? Does anyone CARE?

>
> Candlelit. A table set for two. Alfred fills Bruce's wine
> goblet, walks away. His forehead beads with sweat. A man
> hiding pain.

TOM: Alfred, old buddy, don't carry the whole barrel!

>
>291 BRUCE - POV. Across the table sits Ivy. She licks her
> lips.

CROW: And then her eyebrows!

>
> IVY
> Bruce?
>
> Bruce blinks. Looks again. Not Ivy at all but Julie.

TOM: Your cruse director.

>
> JULIE
> You're not even listening to me.

MIKE: You're not that interesting.

>
> BRUCE
> What? I'm sorry. You were saying...
>
> JULIE
> We've been going out over a year

MIKE: And you've been coming out for nearly as long.

> now and...Okay, here goes. Bruce,
> I want to spend my life with you.
>
> Ivy saunters up behind Bruce, runs her hands down his chest.
> Bruce rises,

CROW: I bet he does!

> shaking off the vision. Goes over to Julie.

TOM: Please wear something green!

>
> BRUCE
> Julie, I'm not the marrying kind.
> There are things about me you
> wouldn't understand.
>
> JULIE
> I know you're a dedicated bachelor.
> That you've had a your wild nights.

MIKE: Yeah, K-N-I-G-H-T-S
CROW: And Princes, and Pages . . .

>
> BRUCE
> Wild doesn't exactly cover it.

TOM <BRUCE>: I've got bite marks on my buttocks a decade old and
they're my own teeth!
MIKE <PAUSES>: That was weird.

>
> JULIE
> But there's nothing you've done
> under the cover of darkness I
> couldn't learn to understand.

CROW: At least without a CAD program.

>
> BRUCE
> I wouldn't bet on that.

MIKE: Neither would we.

>
> JULIE
> I'm betting on you. You'll make
> someone a good husband one day.

TOM: And his name is Dick.

> But I can't wait around forever.
> Don't answer now. Just think it
> over

TOM: Tilt! Ding! Ding! Ding! Tilt!

> (leaning close)
> Here's some food for thought.
>
> They kiss passionately. Bruce opens his eyes. He's kissing
> Ivy. He recoils.

MIKE: Ah! A girl!

> But it's only Julie before him, looking
> up, puzzled.
>
> JULIE
> Who's Ivy?
>
> BRUCE
> What?
>
> JULIE
> You just called me Ivy. Who's Ivy?
>
> BRUCE
> I wish I knew.

CROW: Good cover, Bruce!

>
>292 INT. BATCAVE - ROBIN'S COSTUME VAULT - NIGHT

TOM <ROBIN, CRYING>: I don't believe he's kissing a girl.
MIKE: Night. Gotham(tm) is on Daylight Investment Time.

>
> (OVER) loud MUSIC. Various magazine covers of Robin. Dick
> is at his computer terminal, staring at a monitor.

CROW: I can't type very fast with one hand.

>
>293 MONITOR - CLOSE. A newsphoto of the flower ball
> survivors.

MIKE: Who will appear with Off the Thugs!

>
> DICK
> Enhance detail, 14 to 19.
>
> A corner of the screen is highlighted, the IMAGE expands.
> IVY.
>
> DICK
> Who are you?

TOM <SEBASTIAN>: I already know your name. Have you nothing of
your own . . .
MIKE: You are REALLY getting to good with those imitations.
CROW: Ah, he just downloads wave files into his vocal banks.
TOM: Party-pooper . . .

>
> (OVER) an ALARM SOUNDS. The screen suddenly changes to an

TOM: Avocado.

> IMAGE of Barbara climbing out of her window, rappelling down
> an exterior wall.

MIKE: Buttcam!

>
> COMPUTER
> Alert! Unauthorized motion within
> specified parameters.

MIKE <DALEK>: Exterminate! Exterminate!
TOM: Yes, the Dalek security system, when you absolutely,
positively have to exterminate something.

>
> DICK
> Got ya!
>
> Dick is up fast,

CROW: Nuff said!

> heading for the door.

MIKE <SINGING>: Last thing I noticed, I was heading for the door .
. .

>
>294 OMITTED
>
>295 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER
>
> Barbara has donned her leathers once again.

MIKE: Whip me, beat me, make me work for Lex Luthor!

> She mounts the
> competition bike. Kick-starts the ENGINE, peeling out into
> the night.

CROW: Cigarette anyone?

>
> Dick rolls another racer out of hiding in the shadows.

ALL: Go Dick Racer, go Dick Racer, go Dick Racer go!

> Pulls on his racking helmet. He kicks his ENGINE and starts
> after her.

MIKE: It'd be better using the whole bike.
TOM: Yeah, I guess he's just riding an engine with training
wheels.

>
>296 EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY - NIGHT
>
> Groups of motorcycle gangs have gathered.

TOM: Did you guys here what happened to the Golums?

> Each is rep-
> resented by a single racer. Leather clad. Costumed. Dyed
> hair. Pierced faces.

TOM: These aren't good gang names.

> Boys and girls for whom speed is a
> drug,

CROW: Speed IS a drug!

> the streets their home.
>
> Barbara pulls up her bike. A rider (BANKER) looks her up
> and down.

MIKE: Then up and down some more. Two hours later, the movie
resumes.

>
> BARBARA
> What's the entry fee?
>
> BANKER
> Two-fifty.
>
> Barbara nods, hands the cash. Another biker (SPIKE) steps
> forward.
>
> SPIKE
> You got a handle?

CROW: Yeah, I'm that easy to pick up.

>
> BARBARA
> Folks call me Three-Jump.

MIKE <COUGHING FURIOUSLY>
TOM: I don't even have the energy to comment. But if I did . . .
MIKE: You'd say "Bruce, Dick, and Alfred," I know, I know.

>
> SPIKE
> You're the babe won the tunnel run
> two nights ago. That was trike
> racing.

TOM: And this film is TRIPE racing . . .

> This is the big time. Maybe
> you should ride my hog instead.
>
> Barbara smiles.
>
> BARBARA
> How about a side bet?
>
> As Spike and Barbara move in line beside the other racers,
> another helmeted racer emerges from the shadows to pay his
> entry fee. His face hidden by his helmet, Barbara can't
> see that it's Dick.

MIKE: So Dick regularly carries $250.00 on his person? Or did he
hit an ATM?

>
> The racers, all helmeted, are in their starting positions.
> Engines are REVVED. Banker raises a pistol in the air and
> FIRES.

TOM: Hawkman, tragically wounded, plummets out of the sky . . .

>
>298 Bikers SHOOT into the street.

TOM: Gunning down several innocents!

> Some go over the tops of
>299 cars, others across the tops of stoops.

CROW: It's the Jackie Chan 2000!

> Barbara watches
> as a biker beside her careens into an EXPLODING pile of
> trash cans.
>
>300 Two bikers are going neck and neck towards a racing
>301 truck. They split at the last instant, fly up off parked
>302 cars, then hit the ground, one SPINNING OUT, the other
> taking a position at the front of the pack.

MIKE: And bringing up the rear . . .
ALL: Beetlebaum!

>
>303 Barbara, Spike, two others hold the lead, leaving the
> rest in the dust. One of the bikers hits an oil skid,
> flies into a FIREBALL.

MIKE: And a lighting bolt! And a sleep spell!

>
>304 THE FINISH LINE is a series of flashing yellow warning
> beacons atop the incomplete construction of a draw-bridge
> in the near distance.

TOM: Warning, plot is thin here.
MIKE: Near distance?

>
> The race is down to three, Barbara, Spike and a third
> biker, all racing now onto the bridge, riveted steel
> beneath their wheels.
>
>305 THE FINISH LINE is coming up fast, and just beyond the
> line of flashing cones, an abyss separating the two as yet
> unconnected sides of the bridge.

TOM: I notice abysses are pretty thick here in Gotham(tm).

> The trick is to cross the
> finish line first, but not so fast you can't brake before
> going over the edge into the water below.
>
>306 Spike is trying to keep up. But he's coming up on the
> finish line too fast for his taste.
>
> SPIKE
> Crazy broad.

TOM: He's talking to himself.

>
>307 He hits his BRAKES, slowing, falling out of position.
> Barbara looks across to see the racer on the other side.
> Barbara can't see his face, but it's Dick.

ALL: Duh!

>
>308 The finish line is coming up fast. Instead of braking,
> both GUN their ENGINES.

TOM: Pow! Pow!

>
>309 THE FINISH LINE - CLOSE. Barbara flies over the line,
> Dick a hair behind her, and then both shoot over the edge
> of the unfinished bridge, into the air, soaring high above
> the abyss.

TOM: They gaze into the abyss, and the abyss gazes back into them
also.

>
>310 Dick's front wheel hits the metal roadway on the other
> side of the gap, spinning rubber catching steel.
>
>311 Barbara's front wheel hits the edge badly, rolling
> backward.
>
>312 Dick spins over his shoulder, sees what's happening.

MIKE: Ow! His shoulder stays in place and his BODY rotates?

> Barbara's bike is losing purchase,

CROW: Since it's a rental?

> slipping backwards
> over the edge.
>
>313 Dick ditches his still moving bike and helmet,

TOM: Ow!

> rolling
> off on tucked shoulder, leaping towards the edge as
> Barbara's bike finally slips, she and her hog tumbling
> downwards into the abyss.
>
>314 Dick's jump sends him over the edge, hands extended, feet
> catching the lip of the bridge, hand grabbing Barbara's
> ankle, her bike plummeting beneath her as her helmet falls
> into the water below.
>
>315 Dick hangs by one foot, holding a dangling Barbara by her
> ankle.
>
> DICK
> So, this is where you hang out.

TOM: Let yourself go, Dick . . .

>
>316 EXT. GOTHAM BRIDGE - NIGHT
>
> Barbara stands in the b.g. receiving her winnings from
> Banker and Spike. Dick rights his bike as she approaches.

TOM: Get this, they're not going to tell us how they got up there.
CROW: Of course not.

>
> BARBARA
> I could have made it, you know. I
> didn't need your help.
>
> DICK
> Whatever you say, lady. It's all in
> a day's work for me.

TOM: But we have made it very clear that it's night.

>
> Barbara tries to hand Dick her winnings.
>
> BARBARA
> This is to replace the bike I lost.
> I'll get you the rest.
>
> DICK
> Keep it.
>
> BARBARA
> Of course, Dick Grayson, ward of
> the fabulously wealthy Bruce Wayne.
> Why would you need a few hundred
> dollars?
>
> DICK
> Hey, what's your problem?

TOM <Alicia Silverstone>: My career didn't go that well after
"Clueless."

>
> BARBARA
> I guess, the truth is I'm just not
> comfortable with the idle rich. Even
> when they try to act like heroes.
>
> Dick pats the back of his seat.

TOM: Kiss this, honey.

>
> DICK
> Well you better get comfortable real
> fast, sister. Cause we've only got
> one bike and it's a long walk home.
>
>317/318 OMITTED

CROW: This is the scene where she kicks his butt and takes the
bike away.
>
>319 INT. WAYNE MANOR - GARAGE
>
> Dick and Barbara dismout.

TOM: Woah!
CROW: Guess I was wrong about those omitted scenes . . .
MIKE: My God, it's not NIGHT or DAY.

>
> BARBARA
> I started racing after my parents
> died.

MIKE <DICK>: Funny, I wore spandex and beat people up.
CROW: Is there anybody in any of these movies that has one, just
one, parent alive?

> There was something about the
> speed, the danger, that took me out
> of myself, that made the hurt
> go away.

CROW: Then I hit something and the hurt came back really bad!

> You wouldn't understand.

TOM: Yeah, your parents plunging hundreds of feet and splattering
like overripe melons does NOTHING to you.

>
> DICK
> You'd be surprised.

CROW: And how!

>
> BARBARA
> Street racing isn't exactly an
> acceptable major at Oxbridge. They
> kicked me out. it doesn't matter.
> I've won enough money to do what
> I've always dreamed.

MIKE: How do you make a career out of bike racing?

>
> DICK
> Just don't tell me you're hoping to
> run away and join the circus.

TOM: Oh, this film is just overflowing with sensitivity.

>
> They head towards the entrance tot he house.
>
> BARBARA
> Alfred has supported me my whole
> life. Now I'm going to pay him back.
> I'm going to liberate him from his
> dismal life of servitude.

TOM: Alfred, born free.

>
> DICK
> What are you talking about?

TOM: Nothing much in particular, the scriptwriter doesn't know
what he's doing.

>
> BARBARA
> Servants, Masters, it's ridiculous.

MIKE: Hey, leave people to their alternate lifestyles, OK?

> Alfred is the sweetest, most noble
> man alive and he's subjugated all
> his life and dreams to someone else.
>
>320 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - WALKING - CONTINUOUS
>
> DICK
> Alfred and Bruce are like family.

MIKE: Again, guess the size of the 'f' people.

>
> BARBARA
> Paying someone to prepare your
> meals and do your laundry and
> clean your dishes, you call that
> family?

TOM <DICK>: No, I'd call it marriage.

>
> DICK
> Alfred's happy here.
>
> BARBARA
> Happy
> (a beat)
> You honestly don't know, do you?
> You can't even see what's in
> front of your own eyes.

TOM <DICK>: Oh, yeah, Bruce is as gay as a tree full of parrots,
whadda ya think!

> They've reached the main stair. Dick stares at her
> puzzled.

CROW: A guy does a WHAT with a girl?

>
> BARBARA
> Look at his skin.

TOM <ROBIN>: Heck, I've caressed it!

> At how he's hiding
> the pain all the time. Can't you see
> it? Alfred's sick.
>
> And with that, Barbara disappears upstairs. Dick stares
> after her.

TOM <DICK>: Her can is getting huge!

>
> BRUCE (OVER)
> Alfred's not sick.

MIKE: He's just insane.

>
> Bruce steps from the shadows. Sits now at the foot of the
> steps.
>
> BRUCE
> He's dying. And I can't deal with it.

TOM: You'd think being on ER would have helped.

>
> DICK
> But he's never said a word-
>
> BRUCE
> You know Alfred. He'd never say
> Anything. But I can tell.

MIKE: I'm not as dense as I seem, isn't that true Randy?

> Until
> you came along, Alfred was the
> only family I ever had. Without
> him, I don't know how I would
> have survived. He saved my life,
> Dick. And I've never told him.

TOM <ROBIN>: I think he knows you saved his life, Bruce.

>
> DICK
> Talk to him, Bruce. There's nothing
> worse than losing someone without
> telling them how you feel.
>
> BRUCE
> I'm scared, Dick. Maybe for the
> first time in my life. I'm really
> scared.

MIKE: I've been psychotic, confused, and stupid, but never scared.

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