MiSTed: "Dreams of a Lost Past," "Loss" (Legion of Superheroes) (1/1)
Joseph Nebus
[ OPENING SEQUENCE ]
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL DESK. CROW is wearing a polyester suit and has a card propped
up in his hand. TOM is standing in front of JOEL, with the cap
on his head replaced with a balloon-like pad. JOEL is holding
his hands over TOM's head. TOM is making sound effects. Sketch
is fast paced; no break between lines. ]
JOEL: Come on, big money, big money, no whammies... [ Hitting TOM's
head ] STOP!
TOM: Ow!
CROW: OK, you stop on our survey question; we asked 100 people at random
the following question; top five answers on the board. 'What is a
refreshing treat on a hot summer's day?'
JOEL: I'm gonna say... an ice cream soda!
TOM: Good answer, good answer.
CROW: Show meeeeeeee...ice cream soda!
TOM: Ding ding ding ding ding!
JOEL: Wahoo!
CROW: Bringing you to the Speed Round; seven-letter word on the board,
you start with an L and a D and twenty-five seconds.
JOEL: L!
TOM: Ping!
JOEL: J!
TOM: Ping!
JOEL: E!
TOM: Ping!
JOEL: D!
TOM: Ping!
JOEL: 'Pharmacist'
TOM: Ding ding ding ding ding!
CROW: That puts you on the board with a Five.
JOEL: I'm gonna say, 300 dollars, higher! [ Pointing up with both
thumbs. ]
CROW: Reveals a Three.
TOM: Ding.
JOEL: 250 dollars, Lower, lower. [ Again motions with his thumbs. ]
CROW: Got a Jack.
TOM: Ding.
JOEL: Everything I got, higher!
CROW: And we have an Eight!
TOM: Ding.
JOEL: Gonna freeze.
CROW: Freeze, freeze at four cards in, and that takes you to the prizes.
JOEL: [ Looking around ] I'd like the Amana freezer for three hundred
forty-nine dollars...
CROW: Freezer.
JOEL: The microwave oven for one hundred eighty-five...
CROW: It's yours.
JOEL: The Presidential chess set replica for seventy dollars...and the
rest on a gift certificate.
[ CAMBOT pulls back to reveal GYPSY ]
GYPSY: Things you see on the Game Show Network. Things that were junk the
first time around. Things you remember too well.
TOM: Ding ding ding ding ding!
[ TOM, CROW, GYPSY, and JOEL start jumping gleefuly as CAMBOT flashes
$25,000 on the bottom of the screen and a simulacrum of the
$25,000 Pyramid plays. ]
JOEL: We did it!
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]
MAGIC VOICE: Thanks for playing, and we'll be right back after this word
from our sponsors.
[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]
[ SOL. Calmed down considerably from above. JOEL is polishing CROW's beak.
TOM is reading a comic book. ]
JOEL: We ever figure out what to buy with that gift certificate?
TOM: They gave us a service certificate instead.
CROW: What's the difference?
TOM: This wasn't good for anything.
JOEL: Still, that was fun.
CROW: We should do that more often.
TOM: Can't. You can't be on another game show for at least ninety days.
JOEL: Says who?
TOM: It's a rule.
CROW: I never heard that rule.
TOM: You dare question me?
JOEL: Hang on, boys, the trylon and the perisphere are on the line.
[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN ]
[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK are wearing large sacks covering some kind of globes on top of their heads. ]
DR. F: Ahoy, hoy, lackeys and layabouts. Are you prepared to see yourselves
bested in yet another Invention Exchange?
FRANK: I know I am!
[ SOL DESK. JOEL and the bots have a model spaceship covered by a piece
of velvet. The desk is cleaned and TOM has nothing in his hands ]
JOEL: You bet.
TOM: We were thinking, as we often do, about the 70s.
CROW: And we realized there were some stylistic touches about that much
maligned decade which, while goofy, were still kind of fun.
JOEL: So, combining that with our own precarious situation in space, we
decided to create... [ Pulls off the velvet to reveal...]
ALL: The courderoy starship!
CROW: Warm, durable, and easily washed, this vision of tomorrow from the
days of yesterday is sure to keep you at least as comfortable as
a wood-paneled station wagon while waiting in line at the antimatter
refilling module.
JOEL: Plus it makes the cutest little "fwit-fwit" noise when you go into
warp.
TOM: [ Disclaimer voice ] Stephen Collins and Robert Forster sold
separately. James Brolin not available in all areas.
[ DEEP 13. As before; their heads are still covered. ]
DR. F: Fascinating. Now then: Many, many -- perhaps too many -- science
fiction and comic book writers have tried to look into the future
of human evolution and concluded that in the future, people will
have vastly larger brains.
FRANK: Which means they're going to need bigger heads.
DR. F: Right. But since evolution is slow, inexact, and ugly, we're
giving it a little hand up.
[ DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK pull of the sacks, revealing snow globe-like shapes on their heads. ]
FRANK: But rather than fill this extra space with hair, we got creative!
[ They turn around, revealing cityscapes with the white snowflakes. ]
DR. F: So that you can display civic pride or make an amusing conversation
piece while you wait for superhuman intelligence and psychic
powers.
FRANK: We call them, 'Snow brains.'
[ They turn back to the camera. ]
DR. F: Now then. Your medicine this week is a pair of "Legion of
Superheros" works by one Doug Atkinson -- the start of a story
called "Dreams of a Lost Past," in which events almost happen,
and "Loss," in which the main character is argued out of doing
something interesting. Read 'em and weep, boyos.
[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding the starship and making fwit-fwit noises ]
TOM: I think they stole my look.
CROW: They can keep it.
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes. General chaos. ]
JOEL: We got movie sign!
TOM: Yaaaaa!
CROW: Woo-hoo!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ ALL enter theater ]
> DREAMS OF A LOST PAST
CROW: An untold tale of another tomorrow in which "Squiddly Diddly"
rules the world!
>
> An untold story of the Legion of Super-Heroes
TOM: Not any more. Thanks *so much*, Doug Atkinson.
>
> by Doug Atkinson
JOEL: Oh, the defendants have to go talk to him after they see Rusty
the bailiff.
>
> Jacques Foccart tossed on his bed as his slumbering
> brain was wracked by uneasy dreams.
CROW: [ As if talking in his sleep ] Scott Adams...stairmaster...horse
shampoo...term life insurance...AAAUGH!
> In his sleeping visions,
> he was in a vague land of mists and shadows, seen as if out
> of the corner of the eye.
TOM: So he's mostly seeing the annoying network logo.
> He wandered aimlessly, but there
> seemed no escape.
JOEL: Danged foolproof travelers' alarm clocks...
> A blurred, humanoid figure drifted in front of him. It
> began to say something...
CROW: [ Gasping ] Warranty restrictions...may not be valid...in some
states.
> Jacques awoke and sat bolt upright. _Sacre couer...what
> a dream. I cannot say why it disturbed me so,
TOM: Maybe 'cause it was a *bad* dream?
> but my sheets
> are soaked in sweat. Perhaps it reminded me of something?_
CROW: I know...it's a signal. This time, I must be serious. I must
reorganize my spice drawer.
> He shook his head and resolved to put it out of his
> mind. Element Lad had assigned him to Mission Monitor Board
> duty,
TOM: Element Lad really knows how to let other folks in on the party.
> and it would not do to be distracted when other
> Legionnaires' lives depended on him.
JOEL: He should be asleep instead.
> Blearily he pulled on
> his yellow-and-black costume and wandered to the command
> center.
CROW: Commander honeybee is on the job!
>
> * * * * *
>
> Blok looked up from the Legion history holo he was
> viewing.
JOEL: Those who do not study their history are doomed to see it in
flashbacks.
> "Good morning, Invisible Kid," he rumbled. "Are you
> here to relieve me?"
> "Yes," said Jacques, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, good
> morning.
CROW: That's a relief.
> Forgive my not observing the pleasantries, but I
> had an uneasy sleep, with strange dreams."
TOM: Hey, does it mean anything in your dream when your parents
become 500 foot tall giants moaning about how you've failed
them in everything you've ever tried and then when they notice
you they think you're a fly and stomp on you repeatedly?
> "Curious. I confess I do not fully understand these
> 'dreams' you organic beings experience. If you wish, I could
> take your turn at Board duty."
> "No, thank you." He suppressed a yawn. "I should not be
> derelict in my duty.
JOEL: It's much better if I do it in an inattentive and distracted manner.
> Which Legionnaires are on missions?"
> Blok instructed the board to show current mission
> status. "Lightning Lass, Polar Boy,
CROW: And his sidekick, the amazing Cartesian Kid.
> Phantom Girl, Sun Boy,
> and Magnetic Kid are investigating a solar-powered satellite
> on Mars.
JOEL: Superheros just never stop having a good time.
> Tellus, Quislet, Wildfire, and the White Witch are
> undertaking extended duty on Tellus' homeworld of Hykraius.
TOM: Rock me, Hykraius!
> Shadow Lass and Mon-El are returning from investigating
> Starfinger's corpse on Labyrinth. Dream Girl is off-duty and
> somewhere in Metropolis, I believe."
CROW: You know how those Dream Girls get.
> "Thank you." Blok left, and Jacques pulled a normal
> chair to the Board to replace the heavy-duty and
> uncomfortable one Blok used. Idly he ran a duty check,
> confirming Blok's information.
JOEL: Well. I'm done for the day. Anyone wanna hit Friendly's? Got a
coupon for free Fribbles.
> He saw that Star Boy had not
> been removed from the list of active Legionnaires, and began
> to instruct Computo to make the correction. _No. It is not
> my place--it should be left to Element Lad or Brainiac Five._
TOM: Red-hot protocol activity!
> He looked at the holo Blok had left behind. It was an
> account of one of the Legion's earliest missions, when they
> captured the Concentrator from Lucifer Seven.
CROW: Finally, the orange juice consortium will bend to our will!
> He remembered
> the Concentrator--a fabulously powerful weapon that could
> take energy from any source and focus it against any target.
> It hadn't been around the arsenal lately, however.
TOM: It had dropped out of its afterschool activities and rarely
talked to its old friends. Many suspected it was depressed.
> A quick
> check with Computo told him that Element Lad had decided it
> was too dangerous to keep active; he'd turned its wires into
> Inertron and moved it to the trophy room.
JOEL: Isn't Inertron the thing that makes tires resist hydroplaning?
> The holo was one
> he'd seen before, so he put it aside with a mental note to
> make sure Blok returned it to the library.
> That just about exhausted his ready sources of
> amusement.
CROW: [ As Jacques ] I wonder what joysticks taste like.
> Unless there was some emergency requiring the
> Legionnaires' presence, Monitor Board duty didn't take a lot
> of thought.
TOM: Uhm...I like twine.
> He yawned again, not suppressing it this time.
[ JOEL pantomimes throwing something into his yawn. ]
> Slowly his eyelids began drifting downwards. His head
> nodded...
> And he was back in the land of mists.
CROW: *And* honey.
> The figure
> hovered before him again. Although it was transparent, it
> was now distinct enough to be seen as female.
> *who are you?* he asked/thought.
TOM: [ Pleading ] Please say Mary Tyler Moore. Please say Mary
Tyler Moore. Please say Mary Tyler Moore.
> Sound didn't seem to
> work in this strange land, but he made himself understood
> nonetheless.
CROW: Finally his habit of carrying semaphore flags everywhere pays off!
> *ask lyle norg,* she responded. *he knew.*
> *lyle is dead,* he thought in alarm.
TOM: [ Chanting ] Long live the Lyle.
> *are you the dream
> demon?*
JOEL: The acid queen? Who'll tear your soul apart?
> She shook her head. *no. just one who is unjustly
> condemned to an eternity in the beyond.
CROW: Uhm...wait. This is Ebeneezer's house, right? The afterlife
has lousy maps, y'know.
> my time had come...*
> *what do you need?*
> *free me...*
TOM: Well, 50 percent off me and the rest is a mail-in rebate.
> She drifted away, and Jacques was alone. A soft hand
> was on his shoulder. "Jacques...Jacques...wake up!"
CROW: You're missing your boring, mind-crushingly routine job!
> His eyes opened and looked into a blue, long-lashed
> pair.
ALL: [ Jumping back ] Aaaugh!
> "Trying to take my niche? Jan wouldn't like it if he
> found you napping on duty."
> "Dream Girl..." He blinked a few more times, bringing
> himself to full consciousness. "You are right.
CROW: You're the only one who's good at sleeping on duty.
> I should
> have some stim-bev.
TOM: Stim-bev: An exciting new flavorful liquid from TechCorp Inc.
> Oh, by the way...I must ask you about
> something."
> "Sure." She gently ran her hand down his arm.
JOEL: [ As Jacques ] Remember they did this remake of "Duck Amuck,"
only it's Bugs Bunny who gets tormented by the animator who turns
out to be Elmer Fudd? How come they never show that anymore?
> "If
> Monitor Board duty is that dull, I'm sure I could keep
> you...entertained."
CROW: Have you ever played...Go Fish?
> _Sacre bleu, if only she were still with Star Boy she
> might be under control..._ "Just talk, please, Nura. Your
> powers are the closest to what I have just experienced."
TOM: Only superpowers can match a bad dream.
> "All right." She sat in the chair next to him, crossing
> her long legs. "Shoot."
JOEL: [ Shuffling around, slightly embarassed ] I got my legs tied
in a knot again...sorry about this. Won't be a second.
> "A woman has been speaking to me in my dreams. She says
> she is entrapped, and that the first Invisible Kid, Lyle,
> knew her. I do not know what to make of this."
JOEL: I suspect she may have been his sled.
> "Hmmm. You've read about Lyle's death, right?"
> "Of course. I have studied everything about my
> predecesor, in the hopes of emulating him."
CROW: Except I think I can do a cooler death than him.
> "I wasn't in headquarters when it happened, but I heard
> about it. There was something about an interdimensional
> realm and a ghost...
TOM: Oh, the usual.
> that could be your mystery woman. Let's
> look it up. Computo!"
JOEL: [ As if suddenly waking up ] Mommy! Oh, uh, nothing, nothing.
> The energy-and-metal sphere drifted to her. "*breep* May
> I serve you, Nura Nal? *breep*"
> "Connect the Monitor Board to the Legion holo-library
> and Brainiac Five's log reports.
CROW: We need everything he's got on dutch elm disease by five o'clock
or we're dead!
> We need June and July of
> 2981. Oh, and get Jacques a stim-bev."
> "*breep* Connecting..."
> Nura's manicured fingers slid deftly across the control
> panel. "Okay. This seems useful."
TOM: Must've gone to www.what's_wrong_with_Jacques.com.
> The board lit up with scrolling Interlac text. Nura
> pressed a key, and the system began transmitting the vocals.
> "Brainiac Five's medical log, 26 June 2981.
JOEL: About...call it sixish.
> Report on
> condition of Lyle Norg.
> "Norg collapsed in the trophy room for no apparent
> reason.
TOM: On second examination it was determined his head was chopped off.
> When connected to the mento-scanner, he displayed
> memories of the realm he sometimes enters when becoming
> invisible (ref. log entry, 19 September 2978).
JOEL: In the Arts and Leisure section, page four.
> "Subject encountered humanoid woman (species unclear),
> addressed as 'Myla.'
CROW: Which is of course 'Alym' spelled backwards.
> Interaction indicated several previous
> meetings and apparent mutual attraction. Myla stated she had
> a revelation for the subject. At that moment, the screen
> shattered and subject awakened.
TOM: He reported his faith in professional wrestling was shattered
forever.
> He became upset when
> confronted with Myla, and refused to speak further.
JOEL: Subject was unable to tell a cabbage from a lettuce.
> "Suggested to Mon-El that subject was experiencing
> hysterical amnesia, causing scanner overload. Recommended
> placing Norg under surveillance.
CROW: Noted he was a boogerhead.
> Mon-El agreed to discuss
> matter with Phantom Girl." Nura pressed another key, and the
> screen faded.
> "Yes, it has occurred to me that Myla might have been
> the one to whom I spoke," said Jacques, rubbing his chin.
TOM: Hey...if I glued a big box of tissue paper to my chin, would
it get me invited to more parties?
> "I
> am unsure if it is her, however...she spoke of her time
> having come, and being unjustly entrapped."
> "Well, let's take a look at the holo-record.
JOEL: Oh, yeah, if you have an adaptor you can play those on a hi-fi
turntable.
> I think we
> have one of her...June 27, 2981."
> An image appeared of the old Legion headquarters. Lyle
> lay unmoving and crushed on the floor, while Phantom Girl
> wept and Mon-El and Superboy consoled her.
TOM: [ As Superboy ] It's all right, Phantom Girl...we'll get a new
Tamagotchi.
> Nura fast-
> forwarded until the spectral form of a long-haired woman in a
> dress appeared.
CROW: The Spirit of Saint Louis, graphically depicted.
> "Myla--the girl from the invisible world!" said Mon-El,
> his jaw dropping in astonishment.
TOM: Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing...
> "Not a girl, Mon-El...but a ghost! When I told Lyle
> what I really was...he couldn't accept the truth!
JOEL: But I must follow my heart! I must edit plastic scale modeling
magazines!
> He went
> into shock and collapsed at your feet!
> "I, myself, died several years ago...
CROW: That really hurt my ability to participate in community bake-offs.
> but my spirit-form
> was stranded in this dimensional realm Lyle discovered when
> he became invisible!
JOEL: Cool beans, huh?
> I-I loved him...but I had to tell him I
> wasn't among the living!"
TOM: Oh. Civil service.
> Myla faded out. "Sh-she's fading..." Mon-El began.
> The scene vanished abruptly as Nura stopped the replay.
CROW: I'll need a note from your mother to show you more.
> "That's the relevant part. That thing about her time
> coming could refer to her death, and she's obviously trapped
> there."
> "Perhaps. My experience was somewhat different,
JOEL: Like it occured later, under a different writer.
> although the mists were somewhat similar to what Lyle
> described. I entered other dimensions with my power myself,
> you know, until Brainiac Five removed that ability.
TOM: I was kinda peeved, but I guess I earned it when I transported
a miniature solar system into his ear lobes.
> Could my
> dreaming mind still be able to reach into other worlds?"
> "Well, I know about reaching through time and space in
> dreams firsthand.
JOEL: It's a neat way to gain valuable experience points and impress
your Dungeon Master.
> There's another possibility, though..."
> Her face went grim.
> "What is it?"
CROW: Space donkeys.
> "Lyle only encountered Myla a little while before
> Validus killed him. What if she's some sort of banshee...a
> being who can only be seen by those who will die soon?"
TOM: What if she's a lively puppet portrayed by a highly trained
team of Brady siblings?
> "That is tres ridiculous, Dream Girl. Unless--have you
> had a vision of my death?"
CROW: Yup.
> "No." She looked uncomfortable.
TOM: [ As Dream Girl ] That means the same thing as yes, right?
> "What are you not telling me?"
JOEL: Uhm...I'm not telling you "yes."
> "I have had a vague dream about some sort of death or
> destruction. I didn't sense any details, though...which
> means it might not have been a prophetic dream.
CROW: It might just have been foreshadowing.
> Those are
> usually pretty clear." She waved her hand. "It's probably
> nothing.
JOEL: [ As Dream Girl ] By the way, long as we're talking, next
Thursday at 4:17 p.m., I'd avoid going to the Blockbuster
Video and loitering around the fourth row, and absolutely
don't lean towards the stand of Comedy movies, accidentally
knocking it over, dropping down on a display table causing it
to fling a package of "Power Rangers" episode tapes into the
ceiling, where it shorts out the electrical system and starts
the sprinkers, which accidentally pour into just the spot to
cause a massive sinkhole that swallows you and the building
and the rest of the postal subdivision, killing you instantly.
But you knew not to do that anyway.
TOM: C'mon, Joel, breathe.
[ JOEL gasps ]
> She's not the dream demon you fought before, is
> it?"
[ JOEL coughs ]
> "I do not think so. I would know the feel of that mind
> if it attacked me again, and it is too clever to raise my
> suspicions this quickly.
CROW: So this would be a good disguise for you.
[ JOEL gulps ]
TOM: You all right, man?
JOEL: Yeah, I am.
> Perhaps I should wait until I have
> another dream to make a decision."
TOM: But I'm going to wait before making up my mind to do that.
> "I'd talk to Phantom Girl, too. There's no record of
> what Lyle told her. Where is Tinya, anyway?"
CROW: You know, 'Tinya' is an anagram of 'Viola.'
TOM: No, it isn't.
CROW: Oh, right. I was confused.
>
> [end]
JOEL: That was a good place for the dramatic release.
>
>
> LOSS
CROW: The inside story of the New Jersey Nets.
>
> An untold tale of the Legion of Super-Heroes
TOM: All the tales too ticklish to untell.
>
> by Doug Atkinson
TOM: Or At Dougkinson. Whichever.
>
> The Man of Steel soared into space,
JOEL: Hey, look, there he is.
> carrying his grim
> red-wrapped burden.
CROW: So that's Krypto's Super-Pooper-Scooper.
> He came to a stop somewhere outside the
> orbit of Jupiter,
TOM: He'll have to swerve to avoid hitting the monolith.
> and released it with a gentle push. As it
> slowly tumbled towards the giant planet,
CROW: Bet Irwin Allen's behind this story too.
> he bowed his head
> and whispered, "Good-bye, Kara...Linda Lee...Supergirl.
JOEL: And all the ships at sea.
> I
> will miss you forever."
TOM: At least if you keep ducking.
> He remained there for a moment, then
> turned back towards Earth. There was a Crisis that demanded
> his attention.
JOEL: Wendy and Marvin need help on their homework.
> The corpse of Supergirl, wrapped in her cape of
> stretchable Kryptonian cloth,
CROW: [ Singing ] It's magically delicious!
> drifted until it impacted the
> surface of the moon Callisto. With a faint spray of methane
> snow, it settled into the ice.
CROW: Give me a Supergirl, straight up, on the rocks.
> A short time later, a large sphere of metal and glass
> appeared from nowhere. Its front opened, and a purple-clad,
> green-skinned man stepped forth.
JOEL: The Incredible Hulk?
TOM: The Mask?
CROW: Rattfink?
> Although seemingly
> undefended from the vacuum and near-absolute zero
> temperature, his molecule-thin transuit served as more than
> adequate protection.
TOM: So don't think he was a dummy.
> Gathering the corpse into his arms, he whispered, "At
> last I have a chance to correct one of the greatest
> injustices in history."
JOEL: Excuse me, it's called Social Studies now.
> He cradled the corpse for a second
> before stepping back into the time sphere and activating the
> return control.
TOM: No, Mr. Beckett, I'm not going to give you a ride home.
> The sphere entered the time stream, vast
> bands of hallucinogenic color shooting past with neon
> numbers.
CROW: Or neon colors with hallucinogenic numbers. Whichever.
> 11111000001....11111001011...11111010101...until he
> at last 101110101001 flashed past, and the sphere came to a
> stop.
JOEL: [ Singing, roughly, "21" ] So it seems like 101110101001 is
gonna be a good year...
> Its pilot stepped into an enormous laboratory and
> carried his prize to a strange device, which looked archaic
> and out-of-place amongst the high-tech wonders surrounding
> it.
TOM: It's hard to explain the love a person has for his first Mattell
Aquarius.
> He gently placed the body on a bench that had been
> specially cleared for this purpose, and turned to work.
JOEL: You know, sawing a woman in half doesn't have the same suspense
when she's dead.
>
> * * * * *
>
> A brown-haired man in an exotic red-and-green costume
> stood before the thick door and hammered futilely.
CROW: So he's visiting a Christmas ornament?
> "C'mon,
> Brainy. Open up already. You don't want me using my ultra-
> strength to tear this door open, do you?" There was no
> response.
TOM: [ Whining, nerdily ] Aw, c'mon, let me in... I'll cry!
> His hands and feet were braced to rip open the blast-
> shielded door when a foot-wide sphere of metal and energy
> floated to him.
JOEL: Ooh, Carl Sagan's spaceship is visiting.
> "*breep* Legionnaire Jo Nah will refrain from
> damaging Legion headquarters. *breep*"
TOM: [ Sinister voice ] Oh, yes, you will *indeed* refrain from damaging
Legion headquarters. Mwuh-ha-ha-ha-HA!
> Jo turned from the door to face the floating major-domo.
> "Computo, I have to talk to Brainy. Open the door."
> "*breep* My master has set the privacy warning
JOEL: Bet he's looking for dirty pictures of Catwoman on the Internet.
> and has
> indicated his desire not to be disturbed. No one is allowed
> past this door. *breep*"
TOM: You know, I think Computo is being typecast as the *breep*ing boy.
> _I hate this obstinate bundle of
> circuits_, Jo thought.
> "This is on Element Lad's orders,
CROW: Element Lad.
JOEL: A lad, a plan, a canal, lanthanum.
> Computo, on his
> authority as leader. Priority override the door...now."
TOM: You cross me, boy, and I'll get the whole series of actinides
on your case.
> "*breep* Complying..." The doors slid open.
JOEL: Such airtight security. You really see why computer locks have
replaced latch and key ones that can't be overridden.
> Jo didn't
> bother to thank the computer; he just walked in, the doors,
> shutting behind him.
> Brainiac 5
CROW: Detroit 4, in ten innings.
> looked at Jo with undisguised hostility. "I'm
> working on a private project, Ultra Boy. Leave me alone."
> "Yeah, I know what your 'private project' is.
TOM: Gerbil farming for fun and profit.
> He
> squinted. "My penetra-vision shows me Supergirl's body on
> that bench, so don't try to pretend.
CROW: You're planning to go to the Genesis planet!
> I figured this was what
> you were up to."
> "How did you know?
JOEL: I don't...actually I'm kind of winging this whole deal.
> I hid my traces when I stole the
> time sphere."
> "Rond and Dr. Chaseer knew something was wrong when you
CROW: Put on that Afro wig and demanded we address you as "Courageous
Cat."
> got that look in your eyes and took of from the bar like a
> Korbalian lightning beast was on your tail.
TOM: The lightning beast's not Korbal?
> You may have
> designed the time travel monitor at the Time Institute,
JOEL: I mean, sure you may have. I don't know. Heck, I don't even know
who you are.
> but
> you can't sabotage humanoid intuition. And when we saw the
> Exchanger was gone from the security room, it didn't take a
> twelfth-level computer brain to figure out what you were up
> to."
CROW: So... what are you up to?
> "Well, now that you've satisfied your curiosity, you can
> leave." He turned back to the Exchanger and began making
> small adjustments to its circuitry.
JOEL: Stupid picture-in-picture button never works...
> "Not so fast, pal. Dreamy thinks you're going to try
> something desperate, and I think she's right. You've never
> been good at handling emotions.
TOM: But you make up for it with your telephone skills.
> You need someone to talk to
> before you do something crazy."
CROW: Now step away from the corpse, return the magic machine to the
library, and leave the frozen moons of Jupiter in peace.
> "Crazy?" Brainy's voice raised for the first time as he
> spun on Jo. "Crazy?
JOEL: [ Cheery ] And proud of it.
> That's what I am, isn't it?
CROW: [ As above ] Well, yeah!
> The crazy
> Legionnaire!
TOM: Man, it's like you're reading our minds.
JOEL: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
CROW: Sure.
[ ALL file out. ]
[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]
[ SOL DESK. JOEL is sitting behind the desk, playing with the courderoy
starship. ]
JOEL: [ Looking up ] Welcome back, folks. It's quiet right now, but
I expect my youthful wards Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot to come
to me momentarily with some silly but endearing crisis of faith
in our pop cultural world.
TOM: [ From offscreen ] JOEL!
CROW: [ Also offscreen ] We need to talk!
JOEL: [ Calling ] That's what I'm here for, guys.
[ TOM and CROW suddenly enter on opposite sides of JOEL. TOM is holding
"Giant Superman Annual" #1. ]
CROW: OK, we were reading this bunch of old Superman stories.
TOM: And there's this sick one where Lois Lane witnesses a murder but
can't give a good description of who did it.
[ JOEL picks up TOM's comic book and shows it to the camera. ]
CROW: But afterwards she gets accidentally zapped with this experimental
ray that's supposed to make plants grow better and it makes her
enormously fat.
TOM: And it turns out Metropolis is basically worldwide headquarters
for ways to embarass fat people.
CROW: And after a month of feeling horribly ashamed at Superman seeing
her overweight Lois runs into the murderer and he gets ready to
shoot her when Superman comes and catches him. Turns out he was
watching her the whole time for the muderer to show himself.
JOEL: [ Nodding ] I'm with you so far.
TOM: OK, but then Superman reveals Lois *wasn't* accidentally zapped
with the fat ray. He arranged for it to happen on purpose while
he used her -- without *telling* her -- as bait to drag out the
bad guy.
CROW: And he knew how to get her back to normal anytime he wanted.
TOM: So why did Superman want to do anything that changed how she looked?
CROW: The fact is, putting aside his non-consenting use of her to trap
a crook, the Supester subjected the putative love of his life to
an experimental ray that did all sorts of screwball stuff to her
metabolism, inflicted who knows what long-term trauma to her
cardiac and skeletal systems, and blasted her self-esteem into
subatomic pieces, without even thinking to ask her...
TOM: And for absolutely no comprehensible reason other than he wanted
to watch her being fat!
JOEL: Well, hey, nothing wrong with liking a heavy-set girlfriend, right?
TOM: Nothing wrong with it, except what kind of *creep* do you have to
be to *mutate* your girlfriend to please your own eye?
CROW: Yeah! Where's the consideration? Where's the respect? What kind of
animals raised Superman anyway?
JOEL: That would be his foster parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent.
CROW: And could they not take a moment to explain to Clark he should ask
someone before transmogrifying her?
TOM: Isn't this basic, common courtesy?
JOEL: Guys, it's just an old comic book...you shouldn't try to read too
much into it.
[ MOVIE SIGN. General alarm. ]
JOEL: We gotta run, guys!
CROW: Oh, and don't get us *started* on the comic where Lois gets turned
into a witch!
TOM: Crow, come on!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ ALL enter theater ]
TOM: And then right here in the back of the book, Batman and Superman
play this duel of mind-warping games in pursuit of some mad
birthday prank!
CROW: Not to mention the mermaid!
JOEL: I wouldn't.
> Whacked-out Querl Dox,
JOEL: [ Singing ] Querl Dox...a little dox'll do ya!
> who builds the machines
> that go berserk."
CROW: Just 'cause they accidentally blew up seventeen planets you think
I'm the problem.
> He pointed the electronic spanner at Jo
> viciously.
TOM: Heh...you know what he's *really* saying...
CROW: No, actually, I don't.
TOM: [ After a pause ] Me neither.
> "Supergirl died to save the universe from the
> Anti-Monitor.
CROW: Isn't that always the way?
> She was always risking her life to save
> others.
TOM: And vice-versa.
> That devotion...that selflessness shouldn't be
> allowed to perish from the universe before its time! She was
> only in her twenties...
JOEL: Oh, but that's actually in dog-twenties.
> who knows how long she could have
> lived, fighting all the time to save others."
TOM: Uhm...I'll say eight. No, ten. Definitely ten.
> He dropped his head and arm abruptly. "Not like me. I
> try to good, and what happens?
CROW: Maybe if he tried to great instead, things would average out?
> People die. I build the
> Earth's most powerful AI, and it rampages through Metropolis.
JOEL: That's Metropolis's fault, though, for not enacting those
no-rampaging-AI ordinances a few years back.
> Pulsar Stargrave uses my genius, and I channel all the
> universe's evil into Omega."
TOM: I set the VCR to tape "Pokemon" and it melts Spain.
> A broad arm gesture took in the
> Exchanger, the two flat bed with the powerful apparatus
> connecting them.
CROW: So this exchanger is pretty much your generic Two-Victim Bad
Guy Machine.
> "Once this is working again, I'll be able to
> transfer my life energy into Kara and bring her back to life.
JOEL: Even though everything else I've ever tried has screwed up
in horrible, terrifying ways.
> I'm willing to die to bring her back."
> _Dr. Frankenstein has entered the headquarters_, thought
> Jo. "Don't talk like that, Brainy.
TOM: Let's just cuddle instead.
> You don't really want to
> die. Is it really worth it?"
> "Ask Matter-Eater Lad,
CROW: Oh, he's the guy with the power to turn anything in the world
into garlic bread.
> who went insane because of me.
> Ask Duo Damsel, whose third body was killed by Computo.
JOEL: Fortunately Duo doesn't hold grudges.
> Ask
> the people whose homes were leveled by Omega, or whose loved
> ones he killed. They'd say it's a fair exchange."
> Jo held his hands up in a T. "All right, time out.
TOM: Offensive holding; ten yard penalty.
> Enough with the death talk for a moment, and for God's sake
> put down the spanner."
CROW: You have no idea where it's been.
> Jo's blue eyes met Brainy's yellow-
> and-green ones, and locked with them. Finally Brainy lowered
> his gaze and placed the spanner on a table.
TOM: Secretly unknown to Brainiac 5, Jo is his older brother Rex
who disappeared in the mountain ranges of Krypton several years
earlier.
> "Now. I understand that we aren't the best of friends.
> You've never been the type to pal around, and we tend to move
> in different circles.
JOEL: Plus there was that time you tore my brain out of my skull and
planted it in a large wolverine.
> But I know that it's difficult losing
> a loved one, and that's it's good to talk things out.
TOM: Yes, a bland, impersonal conversation with a casual acquaintance
helps you recover from losing the love of your life.
> Especially for someone like you,
CROW: Such as Benton Frazier's boss on "Due South."
> who keeps his feelings
> bottled up all the time.
> "Why are you having so much trouble accepting her death?
JOEL: 'Cause I wasn't there to sign for it and the delivery company's
a pain.
> Not to sound insensitive, but it wasn't exactly a surprise."
> Brainy kept his eyes on the floor for a while.
TOM: Hey...the wood trim isn't level.
> When he
> spoke, his voice was hoarse. "I loved Kara from the time we
> first met, at her membership trial.
CROW: I told her so after she got her first twelve CDs for a penny.
> I never stopped loving
> her during all the time she hardly ever came to the Thirtieth
> Century. I valued the short times I spent with her, knowing
JOEL: That if we stand on tippy-toes the times would seem taller.
> I wouldn't have very many of them.
> "It hurt when she decided not to pursue our romance any
> further.
TOM: It was like she had the idea I was some borderline-psychotic
mad scientist who keeps accidentally unleashing destruction on
the world.
> I went a little crazy then...you remember the
> Supergirl robot I built in my sleep?" Jo nodded.
CROW: Did you ever build a Supergirl robot in your sleep, Joel?
JOEL: I'll talk with you about that when you're older, dear.
> "And all
> that time I had to keep my distance a little, because she was
> living under a death sentence. It was like loving someone
> with a terminal disease, except that she didn't know it was
> coming...and I couldn't tell her.
TOM: Mind you, it is really hard to work into casual conversation.
> Knowledge of the future is
> a curse...it's why Superboy quit for a couple of years.
CROW: Er, why he's going to quit, next year.
> "I never learned to let my feelings out as a child--
> Coluans aren't encouraged to.
JOEL: And, by the way, I'm Coluan.
TOM: You know, when in Colua, you should do like the Coluans do.
> My parents were dead, and the
> other children resented my intelligence so much that I never
> made any friends.
CROW: The only guy who'd play with me was that Keith Aksland guy.
> I'd never had someone I could let myself
> open up to before. But I resented having this barrier
> between us,
TOM: And it hurt all the worse that it was the Cone of Silence.
> that I always knew we wouldn't have much longer,
> and she didn't. Perhaps if she had, she'd have visited more
> often, I thought, but telling her would be far too cruel.
JOEL: Unless I broke it to her with sock puppets. They make anything fun.
> It
> might also cause a paradox, and even I couldn't predict the
> results.
TOM: Heck, who couldn't call *that* one from miles away?
> "I hate feeling powerless, Jo. My whole scientific
> career has been devoting to pushing the limits of natural
> law.
JOEL: Except for that sabbatical year I spent developing new flavors
for Velveeta.
> Science tells us that time only moves forward, so I
> work on time travel.
CROW: Actually, it tells us the most probable sequence of events is
one which maximizes entropy, which is commonly interpreted to
represent the forward flow of time.
> Science tells us that tons of material
> can't be stored in a closet,
TOM: Unless you try.
> so I invent the storage
> tesseract. Science tells us that inanimate materials can't
> think--Blok notwithstanding--so I design a supercomputer.
JOEL: Science just keeps calling up late at night, snickering at me, and hanging up.
> I
> don't like thinking that there are forces behind my control
> that I can't harness.
TOM: If we could just make the forces of nature run on a really
*big* hamster wheel...
> "I especially don't accept the idea of 'fate,' or
> whatever you want to call it.
CROW: OK. I want to call it "Destiny."
TOM: I want to call it "Thor."
JOEL: How about "Mookie?"
CROW: On second thought "Fate" is fine by me.
> Projectra or the White Witch
JOEL: Hey, they were bit characters on H.R. Pufnstuf.
> would call me hopelessly hard-headed and small-minded, but I
> can't accept that Kara had a predestined time to die, and
> that nothing could have been done to stop it.
CROW: I mean, c'mon, she's a superhero. They never die for more than
maybe two months at the outside.
> It's in my
> hands to reverse that." He cast a glance at the Exchanger.
> "Perhaps you don't understand--you and Phantom Girl have been
> together for years now."
> "I understand losing a loved one.
JOEL: I still have a shrine to my dead hamster Benny.
> Maybe you remember An
> Ryd? Y'know, the woman you killed and framed me for the
> murder?
TOM: [ As Brainiac 5 ] What, you're not over that yet?
> I know it wasn't your fault, but I still loved her
> once." Brainy bit his lip, and Jo decided to change the
> subject.
TOM: [ As Jo ] What do you think of ginger ale?
> "What about the paradox problem? I'm no temporal
> scientist like you, but I thought the history books couldn't
> be changed. History says that Supergirl died in 1985."
JOEL: 'Course, History also says Jay Ward was the 14th president
of the United States. I think it's drunk or something.
> "First of all, I don't think history is all that
> trustworthy. Supergirl was seen to die,
CROW: But heck, who hasn't been seen to die at least a couple times?
> but we all saw you
> killed in an explosion, too. As I recall, you returned in
> Superboy's body and calling yourself 'Reflecto.'
TOM: So he lost his sense of dignity in the explosion.
> While I
> don't pretend to understand that convoluted series of events,
> it tells me that Supergirl's perceived 'death' isn't
> incompatible with her living under an another name."
JOEL: As...uh...Superlady...woman...hero. Or something.
> Brainiac seemed to animate with the argument.
CROW: Sketch Quick Draw McGraw in only four easy moves.
> "Secondly,
> who says history is immutable?
JOEL: R. L. Stein, that's who.
> The Legion decided early on
> to go back in time and meet Supergirl, invite her to join us.
> Later on we did the same thing with Superboy.
TOM: Still later we traveled back in time to warn our younger
selves not to request "Clyde's Car Crusher" as a birthday present.
> Later on we
> found historical evidence that they'd time travelled
> occasionally.
CROW: The evidence for this being that the Sphinx suddenly resembled
Gleek the Wonder Monkey.
> Were the time trips predestined? As I said, I
> don't accept that. I believe history would heal itself,
JOEL: Or would wipe us out of existence. Whichever.
> and
> we'd come to accept that Supergirl miraculously returned to
> life, after she was thought dead. Alternatively, she could
> live in our century, causing no conflict with our history
> books."
TOM: Alternatively, she could move to Long Island and come into
the city for special occasions.
> Jo realized that Querl could run circles around him in
> temporal arguments. He decided to change his tactics.
CROW: [ As Jo ] If I invade Russia in winter it's bound to impress him!
> "All
> right, who says it'll even work? Lightning Lad
JOEL: A daring hero from the world of typing exercises.
> wasn't really
> dead when Proty used his life-force to revive him. I bet
> Mon-El wasn't really dead when Eltro Gand
CROW: [ Giggles ]
> used this Exchanger
> to do the same thing. It probably just has some sort of
> mysterious healing powers that bring people back from comas,
JOEL: Maybe even semicomas and the occasional parenthetical expression.
> and Supergirl isn't just in a coma. She's *dead*, and people
> don't come back from that. You wouldn't want to die for
> nothing."
CROW: Not that you'd be in a position to complain about it.
> "I never had a good chance to examine Garth, because he
> was quickly shoved in that glass coffin and put on display.
JOEL: It was cool.
> I suspect he was really dead, though, because how many people
> in comas survive for weeks without food or water?"
TOM: Uhm...nine. No, thirteen.
> Jo
> shrugged. "And Superboy will tell you that Mon-El was dead,
> too. Lead poisoning kills Daxamites quickly,
JOEL: And Mon-El was a professional Daxamatician.
> and there was
> no breathing and no pulse. 'Life-force' isn't something that
> can be isolated in a laboratory,
CROW: Unless it gets naughty and has to be grounded.
> but mystics like the White
> Witch will tell you that it exists. Although I reject terms
> like 'soul' that they would use,
JOEL: I also reject the term "pH balanced," so what do I know?
> the evidence requires me to
> agree with them."
TOM: That is to say, I reject the notion of a soul, but accept
wholeheartedly the evidence for it and the consequences
of that idea.
> "Not buying the arguments, I see. How about this? The
> Legion Constitution forbids killing.
CROW: Except for the badnasty jumpjumps.
> If you used this
> machine, you'd be killing yourself. That means you'd be
> kicked out of the Legion, and you don't want that, do you?"
TOM: You'd miss out on Meat Loaf Mondays.
> "That is the most illogical--" Brainy caught himself,
> and smiled slightly. "You're joking, of course."
JOEL: I have heard of these jokes; perhaps we might witness one someday.
> "A smile...there's hope for you. Look, are you still
> going to do this?"
CROW: I don't know; I have to wait for the zoning commission to meet.
> Brainy sighed. "Weighing the benefits and costs, I'm
> still forced to conclude that I'm willing to sacrifice
> everything for her."
CROW: Except my "McVote '86" commemorative glasses celebrating the
McD.L.T.
> "Wow...that's selfless, since you wouldn't be around to
> reap the benefits.
TOM: Unless she goes back in time to before when he's dead and
fulfills the relationship they didn't have because she didn't
know she'd be dead later on.
> I think I love Tinya that much, but I
> don't know if I'd be able to follow through. Think, though.
JOEL: Hong Kong Phooey and the cartoon Pac-Man had exactly the same
voice. Doesn't it make you wonder about the universe?
> You don't think it was right for Supergirl to die, even
> though it slowed the Anti-Monitor and possibly saved the
> lives of billions?"
> "No, of course not."
CROW: How about if she slowed the Anti-Monitor, saved the lives of
billions, and got you what's behind door number three?
TOM: Mmm...I'm thinking.
> "So it would be even less just if she died for just one
> life...even if it was yours."
> "No. She's too important to the universe, and to me."
CROW: Slowed the Anti-Monitor, saved the billions, door number three,
*and* five hundred dollars.
TOM: Uhm...no, not this time.
> "Then why do you think she would want you to reverse
> your positions? You may think you're below her, but I know
> she didn't.
CROW: All of the above, with *seven* hundred dollars.
TOM: Maybe...no, not gonna take it.
> Was she that selfish, to put herself on the same
> pedestal you put her on?"
> Brainy was caught flat-footed. "I--" He paused. "I never
> saw it like that. You have a point."
CROW: Last offer, slow the Anti-Monitor, save billions, door number
three, one *thousand* dollars and what's behind the box!
TOM: I'll take it! I'll take it!
> "Damn right I do. Look, Brainy, all the Legionnaires
> are willing to put our lives on the line for others,
JOEL: Except Ray. He is not working out.
> and she
> was no exception. But it shouldn't be robbed of its meaning,
TOM: Because heroism is negated by living afterwards.
> should it? All the dead Legionnaires gave their lives saving
> others. Ferro Lad...Invisible Kid...Chemical King...Karate
> Kid,
CROW: Actually, Ferro Lad just died of embarassment.
> just recently, and now Supergirl. Even Garth and
> Luornu's third body were willing to give up their lives if it
> meant protecting others.
TOM: Even if those others were the cast of "Jesse."
> "That doesn't mean that what you're trying isn't noble,
> of course.
JOEL: Just that it's loopy.
> It's just that those other deaths had some
> meaning, while you'd just be throwing your life away for
> someone who knew the risks she was taking.
CROW: So, if you become a superhero, you have to stop fighting the
inevitability of your own death.
> All of us liked
> Supergirl, but we like you too, believe it or not. It's not
> just a matter of weighing costs to the world--we'd miss you,
> and you'd be hurting a lot of people.
JOEL: 'Course, that's kind of balanced out by the people who won't be
accidentally killed by some goofy new invention of yours.
> Kara wouldn't have
> wanted that, and I don't think she'd want a second chance
> with a cost like that attached."
TOM: Maybe they could just keep the Exchanger and swap life-forces
every week?
> Querl was silent. He reached out to the corpse and
> stroked its hair while contemplating.
JOEL: Ew, is this danduff shampoo? What the heck is this? Are people
supposed to seep there?
> Finally he said, "My
> twelfth-level brain can't compute emotional equations. I
> think you've convinced me, though.
TOM: But we'll have to wait for my subcommittees to vote on it before
I can go ahead with a new plan of action.
> As long as I have the
> body here, there's one thing we can do, though."
CROW: Get the funny hat.
>
> * * * * *
>
> A group of Legionnaires stood on Shanghalla, the
> asteroid where the galaxy's greatest heroes are buried.
JOEL: Those buried preposthumously were most upset about it.
> All
> the active Legionnaires who'd known Supergirl were here,
> while those who hadn't--all the new members except Polar Boy
> and, surprisingly, Sensor Girl--remained to guard Earth.
CROW: Ooh, that Sensor Girl...one surprise after another.
> The
> others were gathered in the shadow of the Ferro Lad memorial
> to pay their final respects.
TOM: [ Whispering ] Psst! Did you bring the poem magnets?
> Brainiac 5 stood before the hole Element Lad's powers
> had created. "The Twentieth Century has already paid its
> respects to one of its greatest heroes,
CROW: Back around the first couple times that Superman died.
> but I doubt they
> would deny us the chance for our own personal observance,"
JOEL: Even one made possible by grave robbing and borderline necrophilia.
> he
> said, his eyes on the black coffin embossed with the "S"
> symbol.
TOM: Ahem. Chuckles loved to laugh...tears were abhorrent to him...
> "All of us knew Supergirl, and fought alongside her.
JOEL: Except for *you*, Ray.
> We were her friends--some of us were more.
TOM: Some of us were androids she constructed in her sleep, too.
> "I am very poor at emotional speeches, as some of you
> know." Jo caught his eye briefly and smiled encouragingly.
JOEL: [ As Jo ] You're doing a great job saying stuff that couldn't
be said at every other eulogy ever delivered.
> "It's difficult to put Supergirl's value to the universe into
> words.
CROW: Watch me try. "Slookelty bopplenerf weantroolub blix." See how
difficult it is?
> Moreover, I know each of you have your own special
> memories of her. I would suggest we pause a moment and
> remember Kara."
TOM: HmmmmmmmMMMMMM...There! I'm done. What did you get?
> The group was silent for a minute. Some Legionnaires
> smiled as they remembered her; some cried softly; a few were
> incapable of showing their emotions on their faces.
JOEL: Some of the Legionnaires didn't even exist.
> Brainiac
> 5 was stoic throughout.
> He broke into the reverie by putting his hand on the
> coffin. "Farewell, Kara. We will never forget you."
TOM: [ Stage whisper ] Who's Kara?
CROW: [ As above ] I think we're in the wrong room.
> He
> turned to the pallbearers and said, "You may commence."
> As Mon-El and Timber Wolf lowered the coffin into the
> ground, Element Lad prepared to fill in the grave again.
JOEL: Real friends show love by synthesizing manganese.
> Blok placed a block of marble at the head of the grave, and
> rumbled, "Wait until I am out of the way before you begin
> carving, Wildfire."
> "Hey, I'm always careful," said the energy man.
CROW: [ As Wildfire ] So -- white or dark meat?
> He
> raised an arm of his containment suit and, with a tightly
> controlled beam of energy,
TOM: Is that the blue hand-ray or the red hand-ray?
JOEL: It's the green hand-ray.
> carved words into the surface of
> the stone:
>
> Here Lies
>
> SUPERGIRL
>
> Kara Zor-El
>
> Linda Lee Danvers
TOM: Caroline Rhea.
JOEL: Angela "Scoop" Quickly.
CROW: Wheelie *and* the Chopper Bunch.
>
> Legionnaire and Friend
>
>
> When the burial was complete, the group split up.
JOEL: So, uh, wanna hit Big Stosh's?
CROW: Knockwurst bar open?
JOEL: You bet.
> Jo
> and Tinya approached Brainy, who was still standing by the
> grave.
> "Great speech, man," Jo said, laying his hand on
> Brainy's shoulder. Tinya gently put her hand on his arm.
CROW: It's a slow-motion tackle.
> "Opening up like that was the bravest thing I've seen you do,
> Brainy.
JOEL: He opened up?
TOM: Yeah, didn't you notice his eye twitching?
> I'm glad to see you're coming to terms with this."
> "Indeed." He raised his eyes from the grave to the
> stars. "I was able to fight my obsessive tendencies for once,
TOM: And nobody new got killed by them.
> which is probably just as well. Who knows what might have
> gone wrong with the Exchanger?
CROW: He could have ended up with the body of a chicken and the mind
of a Power Puff Girl.
> "We should make haste. There won't be room on the
> Legion cruisers if we stay here to long."
JOEL: Rush hour is horrible around these desolate cemetary asteroids.
> They hurried
> towards the spaceship, leaving the asteroid's memorials to
> departed heroes behind them.
CROW: They tried taking the memorials with them but realized that was dumb.
> [Credit where credit is due dep't:
TOM: Ooh, it's the introduction to a Mad Magazine article.
CROW: I love these.
> Superman's speech is
> quoted from CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #7,
JOEL: Except on Earth Two, where it was Crisis On Infinite Earths #9.
> and was written by
> Marv Wolfman. The Exchanger was created by Jim Shooter,
CROW: Yeah -- on a dare.
> based on a concept by Jerry Siegel. The initial inspiration
> for this story came from LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES (third
> series) #16,
TOM: Or maybe sixteenth series, number three...it's hard to keep track.
> written by Paul Levitz.]
JOEL: You'll love it, Paul Levitz!
CROW: And that's a wrap.
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL DESK. JOEL is standing, a little embarassed, in a Superman-style
costume with a cursive 'J' at the center. He looks around, puts
his arms out and starts a tiny hop. CROW and TOM enter from the
right. ]
JOEL: [ Noticing them, slapping his arms to his side ] Aaugh!
CROW: Uhm...Joel?
JOEL: No, no, citizen. I do not know this "Joel" of whom you speak.
TOM: Joel, you're just embarassing yourself now.
JOEL: I am not Joel! I am a friendly but powerful being from another
star, here to help save you from your imminent peril.
CROW: That's nice, honey, but we're not in any imminent peril.
TOM: The story's already done, remember? And you're going to embarass
*us* if you keep that up.
JOEL: [ Crestfallen ] Aw, c'mon, guys. Do you have to be so cynical?
CROW: I'm not saying it's a bad look for you, you understand.
JOEL: Why not be silly? What's it going to hurt? What kind of a world
do we live in if whimsy, if silliness, if daydreams are rudely
and immediately squashed flat? Is a world without levity worth
getting out of bed for?
TOM: We're not calling for the death of the imaginative spirit, we're
just asking that it show some dignity.
CROW: Can I be your sidekick?
JOEL: Of course, Crow. We'll pick out a sensible yet identity-concealing
costume for you right after we're done with this. [ JOEL pats
CROW on the head. ]
TOM: Crow! You're betraying your trust as a keeper of public decorum
and sensible frivolity!
CROW: Yeah, but it's fun.
TOM: But...but I...I...
JOEL: Aw, c'mon, Tom. Join the legion.
TOM: [ Sobbing, and leaning into JOEL ] I will, I will.
JOEL: [ Hugging and patting TOM ] That's a good robot. [ Looking to the
camera ] What do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is studying TV'S FRANK's snow brain. ]
FRANK: I'm so...woozy...
DR. F: Ah, yes, I think I see the problem... [ Noticing JOEL ] Ah, yes,
Joel, a fine costume. I'll be sure to whip up a hearty
Kryptonite cheesecake to help you celebrate.
[ DR. FORRESTER takes out a container of fish food, pops open the top of
FRANK's snow brain, and sprinkles some food in. ]
FRANK: [ Sighs happily ]
DR. F: Until next time, Silverhawks...push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Can I do it with my mind?
DR. F: Oh, if you insist.
[ FRANK leans over, hitting his head on the desk. ]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---o---
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and Copyright to Best Brains, Inc. The Legion of
Superheroes is Copyright DC Comics, a subsidiary of Time Warner, a
corporation so vast and powerful if it wanted it could have all traces
of my existence wiped out.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment only;
no infringement on or challenge to the copyrights and trademarks held
by Best Brains or DC Comics is intended or should be inferred. The
stories "Dreams of a Lost Past" and "Loss" are by Doug Atkinson and
are used with permission. Whatever original material is in this MST3K
fanfic is the creation of Joseph Nebus. This MiSTing is meant solely
for personal entertainment and is not intended to be an insult to the
creators or fans of the Legion of Superheros, Mystery Scence Theater
3000, the Game Show Network, or the Silverhawks. Discontinue use if
rash persists.
The midshow sketch started out as the introductory piece, and only moved
when I had no ideas for the midshow sketch, and could steal an introduction
from another MiSTing I'm procrastinating. Sorry if it seems weird.
> Brainiac 5 looked at Jo with undisguised hostility. "I'm
> working on a private project, Ultra Boy. Leave me alone."
Carl Burke
skewered; I almost wish I read DC comics!
Joseph Nebus wrote:
...
> > When connected to the mento-scanner,
...he was found to be decidedly lacking in freshness.
--
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Carl Burke, cbu...@mitre.org -- le nu ko batci mi kei cu zdile
My opinions are mine and mine alone, unless you
agree with them. Then I'll share.
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"To intelligence... and beyond!" -- Epona Harper
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