[MiSTing] "Neo Evangelion" part 2 (finally) 1/2
Jim W.
Turn down your lights (But don't take my word for it)
In the not too distant future
In the depths of outer space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Have received a saving grace.
They've finally goten away from Pearl
A woman who now controls the world.
So now they're free to do their will
That is, if they can just manage not to get themselves all killed!
ALL: GET US HO-O-OME!
MIKE: We'll use the Auto-Return
To get us back to Earth (lalala)
I can't wait to get home again...
And be back on my old turf! (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't know
When their journey home will end. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and wait it out
With his company of robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "Panning left."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Are we there yet?"
CROOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!"
If you're wondering just why this show's plot
Is changing every year (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "Best not to ask,"
And there are no worries here.
On SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are behind the counter. The wall behind them
is covered with a very poor patch job dealing mostly with duct tape.
MAGIC VOICE: Last time on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
MIKE: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today, guys.
SERVO: And that was...?
MIKE: Never settle for low-quality paper towels.
CROW: Oh, I can see why you would...huh?
*Mads' sign*
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Hahahaha! That Evangelion fanfic was right up their alley! Oh, I guess
it wasn't.
Which is why that's good for me! HAHAHAHA!
[Observer rushes in holding a telephone]
OBSERVER: Pardon me, Pearl, there's a call for you. A Mr. Bill Gates?
PEARL: Really? Give me that! [grabs the phone] Hello?
[Muffled high-pitched babbling can be heard from the receiver.]
PEARL: A business proposition? Yes, I'm listening...
[fade to black]
MAGIC VOICE: And now, the conclusion.
[fade in on SOL bridge]
MIKE: ...and that's why Bounty is the quilted, quicker picker-upper.
'BOTS[fascinated]: Ooooh...
[Gypsy rushes in.]
GYPSY: Mike! There's a strange sensor reading coming from Castle Forrester!
MIKE: What? What is it?
GYPSY: I'm putting it on the main viewer!
[Everyone looks at the main viewer, which is located directly behind Cambot's
view.]
MIKE[shocked]: Oh, dear goodness!
SERVO: She wouldn't!
CROW: She would.
GYPSY: Oh, it's too horrible for my sweet, innocent eye!
MIKE: This is bad...very bad!
[Dramatic music and fadeout.]
[SFT1B bumper logo]
[commercials]
---
[SOL] Fade in on the previous scene.
MIKE: Are those what I think they are?
SERVO: I'm afraid so, Mike.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Pearl, have you gone insane?!? What are you doing with *those*?
[Castle Forrester] Pearl is standing outside the castle. The camera angle
is tilted upwards so we can also see a wall of the caslte and the sky above.
Giant gundams, transformers, evangelion units, and Big-O are walking around the
property aimlessly.
PEARL: Ah, Nelson. I see you've noticed my giant robot army.
[SOL]
CROW: Sch-yeah!
[CF]
PEARL: Well, thanks to those loveable geeks at Microsoft, I am now the proud
owner of these giant robots you see behind me. They'll be part of my
worldwide
army to keep peace and order.
[SOL]
SERVO: You know, Pearl, as anime has shown us countless times before...
MIKE: ...giant robots can only lead to gargantuan battle scenes and
everlasting
war between giant factions bent on worldwide destruction.
GYPSY: By ushering in an age where large battle machines can do the work of
man,
war will become a sport, played out on a galactic battlefied that has no
feelings of what is right and wrong...of the injustice of endless battle,
and of the value of the fighting human spirit.
CROW: The endless waltz of war, peace, and revolution will continue until
mankind
has been eliminated from the surface of the Earth!
[CF]
PEARL: So what's your point?
[SOL]
MIKE: The world is doomed.
*movie sign*
ALL: MOVIE SIGN???
MIKE: Don't tell me we're not finished with "Neo Evangelion" yet!
CROW: Okay, I won't.
SERVO: D'OH!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAA!!! [the usual panic]
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike, Servo, and Crow enter the theater.]
MIKE: Lousy fanfics and their never-endingness.
>Shinji: Last time, on Neo Evangelion:
>
>The energy beam emitted by the orbs exited the tree and struck the ground.
There
>was a flash of light and two figures stood. They were both in their early
teens,
>clad in different color jumpsuits. One was a boy with short brown hair and
brown eyes.
>The other was a girl with crimson hair and green eyes.
>
>The boy was Shinji Ikari and the girl was Asuka Langley Soryuu.
CROW: Oh, no, Mike! The last episode is starting all over again!
MIKE: This can't be happening...
>
>
>They turned and saw the giant tree.
>
>Asuka: What the hell is that?
>
SERVO: You are CORRECT, sir!
>Ritsuko points to the tree.
>
MIKE[Ritsuko]: If you were were a tree, which kind would you be? I'd be that
one.
>Ritsuko: The Tree of Sephiroth. It was foretold in the scrolls that the tree
would rise.
>
>
CROW: ...and block out the sun and destroy the world's crops, all for the
purpose
of yeilding one single fruit that would make anyone the strongest fighter in
the universe--
SERVO: That's the Tree of Might.
CROW: Oops. My bad.
>Kiel: In case you have forgotten, the threat of the Angels is over. The
Evangelions
>are no more so it won't be long before the Japanese Government decides that
NERV is
>useless and shuts them down.
MIKE[SEELE member]: But what if NERV starts producing an impressive line of
hentai manga, sir?
>In the mean time, we should start "helping" the citizens
>of Tokyo 3 rebuild their lives from the trouble the Evangelions caused. NERV
will fall
>in all good time.
>
>
>Fuyutski: Certain NERV scientists always feared that the Evangelions would
fail in
>our battle against the Angels. The Pocket was supposed to house the backup to
the Evas.
SERVO: Instead a bunch of these monster things got into the Pocket, and out
came
Pikachu, Snoorlax and all the Pokemon that we know and loathe today.
>
>Shinji, Asuka, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya looked out the window. Down in the
cargo
>bay were several large machines shaped like cars, tanks, and other assorted
vehicles.
>
MIKE: We have taken those cheap, imported American Saturns and created from
them
the ultimate fighting vehicle!
>Asuka: They're machines!
>
>
>Yui: My name is Doctor Yui Ikari. This message contains basic outline for the
E2
>Project.
SERVO: You mean NERV controls the Electronics Entertainment Expo?
MIKE: No, that's E3.
SERVO: Oh.
>This is an extension project of Operation E which my husband, Gendo, has
>initiated. They are formerly titled Fully Artificial Vehicular-Humanoid
Conversion
>Assault Force. Or its alias, MechEVAs. One of the features that make them
different
>from the Evas designed by Doctor Akagi is that they have a conversion process.
For a
>long time, I had a feeling that the intentions of Seele were
CROW[Yui]: Blah, blah, blah, Shinji. Blah, blah, sucks, blah...
>self-inspired. I knew that Seele does not care about evolving humanity, only
>themselves and establishing themselves as the governing power of Earth.
>
MIKE: But "Heil SEELE" just doesn't have a good ring to it. They should
consider
a more worthwile goal.
>
>Kiel: I'm surprised you were willing to betray your friends like this. You
must
>kill Shinji Ikari.
>
>
>Asuka: Die.
>
SERVO: You know what's sad? The fact that I'd love to.
>
>Ender Publishing Company
>
>In association with
>
>Gainax Productions
>
>Presents
>
CROW: ..."Topless Anime Chicks 3: The Revenge!"
MIKE: NO.
>
>Anime Revival Series
>
>Neo Evangelion
>
MIKE: Which is starting to seem more like transformers right now...
SERVO: TRANSFORMERS!
[Crow starts "ba-da ba-pa"-ing the Transformers theme]
MIKE: More than meets the eye...
>
>
>Starring the voices of:
SERVO: TRANSFORMERS!
MIKE: Robots in disguise.
>
>Mark Hammill
>As
>Shinji Ikari
CROW[Gendo]: Shinji, I am your father!
SERVO[Shinji]: NOOOOO!
>
>Kirsten Dunst
>As
>Rei Ayanami
>
>And
>Alicia Silverstone
>As
>Asuka Langley Soryuu
>
>
>Also starring:
>
>
>Elizabeth Berkley
>As
>Maj. Misato Katsuragi
>
>Gates McFadden
>As
>Dr. Ritsuko Akagi
>
SERVO[Ritsuko]: I would come on to you, Gendo, but I have a thing for *bald*
men.
>Leonard Nimoy
>As
>Cmdr. Gendo Ikari
MIKE[Nimoy]: My character doesn't seem to behave in any logical manner,
captain.
>
>Susan Blu
>As
>Maya Ibuki
>
>
>With
>Raymond Burns
>As
>Prof. Kozo Fuyutski
>
>And
>Harrison Ford
>As
>Chairman Kiel
>
CROW[Ford]: We will *not* give in to those terrorists' demands! Oh, wait,
we're
the ones controlling the terrorists...
>And introducing
>Steve Cardenas
>As
>Vice-Chairman Mendoza
>
SERVO: ...and George W. Bush as the Beaver.
>
>Written by
>Stephen Frey
MIKE: This guy has one *big* fist coming for him once we get back to Earth.
'BOTS: Hear, hear.
>
>
>
>Title: Episode 2: Retribution
>
SERVO: What we're planning to do to the aforementioned writer.
> Open up on a gunshot. For a long moment, everything is frozen in time.
MIKE: Shinji uses the Matrix to stop the bullet and get out of the way.
>Suddenly, Asuka drops the gun and falls onto her front. Gendo is shown behind
her
>holding a smoking pistol.
>
>Shinji: Father.
>
>Gendo pockets the pistol.
CROW[Gendo]: Youse didn't notice nuthin', see?
>
>Gendo: Tell Fuyutski to ask Doctor Akagi to bring a stretcher for Asuka.
Explain
>that she was trying to shoot you and shot herself instead.
SERVO: That's an obvious lie. Everybody knows Asuka doesn't have a concience.
>
>Shinji didn't understand why his father wanted his roll in this to be a secret
>but didn't question his orders.
>
>Cut to the Infirmary. Asuka is laying on a bed, a mask over her mouth and an
>I.V. dripping fluids into her blood stream. Outside, Ritsuko is talking to
Shinji,
>Misato, and Gendo.
MIKE[Ritsuko]: She's dead, Gendo.
>
>Ritsuko: We're lucky the shot only penetrated her digestive tract. Any higher
>and it would have been fatal.
>
>Misato: Will she survive?
CROW[narrator]: Find out in our next exiting episode! Same Eva-time, same
Eva-channel!
>Ritsuko: Considering the fact that she almost literally ate a bullet? Yeah,
>she'll survive.
SERVO: Eating bullets? Asuka shouldn't take those frat dares.
>Shinji: What I want to know is why did Asuka try to kill me? What did I ever
>do to her?
MIKE[Misato]: Remember when you and Toji raided her panty drawer?
>Misato: She didn't seem like this while we were fighting the Angels. A little
>trigger happy but not enough to murder someone in cold blood.
>
>Gendo turns to Ritsuko
>
CROW[Gendo]: Ritsuko, your Dr. Crusher impersonation is turning me on.
>Gendo: Were there any signs of narcotics or other substances?
>Ritsuko: No, her body was clean.
>Misato: What about mind control or brain washing?
>Ritsuko: The instruments picked up no alteration in her brain waves.
SERVO[Gendo]: What about the media? Did they create this homicidal behavior?
MIKE[Ritsuko]: No, sir.
SERVO[Gendo]: How about violent video games?
MIKE[Ritsuko]: Not a chance, sir.
SERVO[Gendo]: Maybe it was mind control?
MIKE[Ritsuko]: You already said that one, sir.
>For all we know, she really wanted to kill Shinji.
>Misato: But why?
CROW: Why not?
>
>Ritsuko shakes her head and leaves.
>
>Gendo turns to Misato.
CROW[Gendo]: Misato, your--
MIKE[Misato]: Stuff it.
>
>Gendo: Major, when she's well enough, I want you to take her up to the Geo
Front
>and dump her there.
>Misato: But Commander, we need pilots for the MechEVAs. With Rei gone and
Asuka
>in her...
>Gendo: I will not allow her to damage the E2 project. She will receive
substantial
>food, water, and money until she can establish her own income. Shelter,
clothes,
>and other resources will be her responsibility.
SERVO: So Gendo is just going to throw a teenage girl on the street and feed
her
table scraps and tap water.
MIKE: Man, talk about tough love.
>
>Gendo leaves.
>
>Cut to an executive boardroom. Chairman Kiel sits at the head of a table.
His back
>is turned to the others.
MIKE: Chairman got back.
SERVO and CROW: Yuck!
CROW: Don't say that again, Mike.
MIKE: Sorry.
>
>Kiel: Has our operative succeeded in killing Shinji Ikari?
>Director 1: No, sir, not yet.
>Kiel: I didn't expect the task to be completed anyway. How are productions of
>our new MechEVAs turning out?
SERVO: Huh?
>Director 2: Finding the necessary resources was tough. We had to resort to
using
>parts from the old EVAs.
>Kiel: Hmmm.... Cyber-EVAs.
ALL: No...TRANSFORMERS!
> Interesting concept. Very well, continue.
>Director 1: We've received word that the Second Child, Asuka Soryuu has been
put
>in the hospital. We've also received word that she'll be discharged from
Nerv.
>Kiel: Hmm... Interesting news. Thank you, gentlemen, that is all.
MIKE: Jeez, this guy is so unmoved by everything. You could tell him he was
about
to be crushed by a giant wearing a polka-dot speedo and it still wouldn't
faze him.
>
>The Directors leave.
>
SERVO: Wait, come back! Phoey, now the fanfic will *really* lose focus.
CROW: If I was the director, I'd definitely be wising up to the fact that the
fanfic
is beyond saving at this point.
>Vice-Chairman Mendoza appears behind him.
MIKE: BOO!
>Mendoza: Thinking of gathering yourself an ally?
>Kiel: Asuka Langley Soryuu is an excellent EVA pilot. And after NERV
denounces
>her, with her personality, she would want revenge. And being the nice people
we
>are, we should let her have it.
SERVO: But, he already tried to recruit her and it didn't work.
MIKE: Don't think. It will only waste brain power.
>
>Mendoza smiles evil-like.
CROW[Mendoza]: I'm picturing her naked.
>
>Cut to a hospital room at The Pocket. Asuka lays there, her condition
unchanged
>in the past two days. Shinji sits by her side, staring.
SERVO[Shinji]: I'm picturing her naked, too.
>
>Shinji (thinking): Why, Asuka? What did I ever do to you? Whatever I did,
I'm sorry.
SERVO[Shinji]: Is it the picturing-you-naked thing? Because I can't help that.
You
anime chicks were *made* for that, after all.
>
>Maya enters carrying a laptop.
MIKE: Wow. What a get-well-soon gift.
SERVO: I want to get shot so she can give one to me!
CROW: I'd like a DVD player, Maya!
>
>Maya: No change, huh?
>Shinji: None.
>Maya: Don't worry, she'll come around.
>Shinji: That's what I'm worried about.
MIKE: D'oh!
>Maya: Shinji, there's something I want you to look at.
>Shinji: What's that?
>
CROW[Maya]: I can tell that you've been picturing me naked, and I thought
I'd...
MIKE: Okay, that running joke stops right here and now!
CROW: Sorry, Mike. I couldn't help it.
MIKE: Understandable.
>Maya opens her laptop, and types some commands. She inserts a micro disk into
>the CD-ROM drive.
>
>Maya: I discovered this while going through the database in the control
center.
>It was addressed to you personally.
>Shinji: Me?
>
>Maya hits the enter button. Yui Ikari's face comes on the screen.
SERVO[Yui]: Dear Shinji, I regret to inform you that Gendo is not your real
father.
CROW[Shinji]: Oh, *whew*! That's a relief.
SERVO[Yui]: He is, in fact, your brother.
CROW[Shinji]: NOOOOOO!!!
>
>Yui: Shinji, if you are listening to this recording, it must mean that
something
>so catastrophic has happened that Professor Fuyutski was forced to reveal the
>E2 project to you and Gendo.
CROW: Looks like Yui has planned a video confessional for almost every worst-
case scenario.
>
>Yui's face minimizes to a bottom-left hand corner of the screen. The diagram
of
>a spaceship-like vehicle comes up.
>
MIKE: Oh, no, don't bring Star Trek into this...
>Shinji: This is Mech-EVA Unit 01, also called Archangel. It is the fastest
and
>most powerful of the Mech-EVAs. I want you to pilot it. Hopefully, by the
>time you hear this message, you are old enough to understand what has been
going
>on. If an Angel attacks, you will be able to use the Mech-EVA's firepower to
>confront and destroy it. If things get too tough, you can always activate the
>humanoid conversion sequence.
SERVO: The...what?
MIKE: Uh-oh...
CROW: It's...oh, god, it's horrible!
>
>A simulation of Mech-EVA Unit 01 going through its transformation sequence
begins.
ALL: IT'S POWER RANGERS IN SPACE!!!
[Mike and the 'Bots hide under the seats]
>
>Yui (continuing): The thrusters become the leg units for Archangel. The
cockpit
>area is actually a solar-powered blaster, completely detachable. It should
already
>be on full power but in case it isn't, turn the solar panel on top of it
toward the
>sun. Archangel possesses other attributes such as flying abilities and a
wrist-mounted
>laser-guided energy weapon. It's powerful, but it will only happen when your
mind is
>in perfect synchronization with Archangel's circuitry.
PEARL[over loudspeaker]: Hey! Get back in those seats before I turn off your
oxygen!
ALL: Yes, Pearl...
[They stand up and return to their seats.]
CROW: What a bitch.
PEARL: I heard that!
CROW: I know. Phbbbbt!
SERVO: Good one!
CROW: Thank you.
>
>Yui's face maximizes the screen.
>
SERVO[Yui]: I'M HUGE!
>Yui: I realize that some of this may seem strange, even terrifying at first,
but you
>must have strength and believe in yourself.
CROW: Do you believe?
>
>Yui pauses and looks off-screen, then looks back.
>
>Yui: Shinji, I'm very proud of you for taking this step, and even your father
is
>although he may not show it. Always remember Shinji that no matter what
happens,
>I'll always be by your side, even in death.
MIKE: Uh...that's a little creepy to me.
>I love you.
>
>The image stops. For a while, the room is quiet.
[silence]
CROW[village idiot]: Hey, what's everybody so quiet for?
MIKE and SERVO: SHHHH!!
>
>Maya: You want to get some lunch. Might help you take your mind off of
things.
>Shinji: Sure.
>
>As Maya and Shinji leave, they are unaware that Asuka's eyes were open the
whole time.
>
SERVO[Monty Python]: She's not *quite* dead...
MIKE: Let's blow this joint.
CROW: I second the motion.
[Mike, Servo, and Crow exit right.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and Servo are on the bridge.
MIKE: So...we've got transformers and megazords up the wazoo.
SERVO: Yup.
MIKE: But we haven't seen any of the original Eva units yet.
SERVO: Well, that can be explained, Mike. You see, the Evas were outdated.
MIKE: What do you mean?
SERVO: Allow me to show you using this simple diagram...
[Crow pulls in a graph showing two lines, red and blue. Both lines start at the
zero position and slope higher and higher as the x-axis value increases. The
red line is slightly higher than the blue line through the entire graph.]
SERVO: The red line indicates the Power of the Bad Guys, and the blue line
indicates the Power of the Good Guys. Please note, the Bad Guys will always
have a slightly higher Power.
MIKE: ...Okay...
SERVO: The horizontal axis indicates the plot of a particular action/anime
series.
Notice that, as the show goes on, the power of both sides increases.
CROW[otaku]: That's right, 'cause like in DBZ everybody gets a higher and
higher ki.
SERVO: ...uh, thank you, Crow. Anyway, to keep viewers interested in the
series,
writers must introduce stronger villians to overpower. They "raise the bar,"
so
to speak.
MIKE: And so the bad guys increase in power first, and the good guys rise to
face
that new challenge.
SERVO: Exactly! The bad guys in "Neo Evangelion" have risen above the power of
the
conventional Evas, so newer models must be created.
MIKE: Hence Transformers.
SERVO: Now you've got it, Nelson. Boy, I didn't think a simple country man
like
you could understand this sort of high-tech plot theory.
MIKE: Hey!
*commercial sign*
CROW: So, why don't the really strong bad guys that show up at the end come
earlier?
They'd clean house!
SERVO: If they did, the show would be over. It's a whole "convenience" thing.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commercials]
---
Jim W. (MiSTie #90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org
---
New MiSTing: "Neo Evangelion" part 2
located at http://sft1b.mistings.org/
---
"We're surrounded!" -Aki
"No shit!" -Jane
-"Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"