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MiSTed: The Last Mark of the Beast Laodicea Warning

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Roland Warner

unread,

Oct 6, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/6/97

Well, I'll admit, this isn't the best MiSTing I've done, but it isn't
half bad, honestly. I found this one rather difficult to write up, but
I took the challenge head on. I doubt I'll do another long religious
rant like this one, cuz I didn't wanna piss off to many religious people
out there and have God knows what thrown in my direction, hehe. Well,
enjoy and let me know whatcha think!

Roland

-----

Tom: <In a raspy voice> Stop! He who crosses the Satellite of Death
must answer me these Questions three! Ere the other side, ye see!

Mike: What are you doing, Tom?

Tom: I'm the Satellite Keeper, ye must answer me these questions three
to pass!

Mike: But I don't wanna cross, I'll just stand here.

Tom: <Whispering> Play along, Mike!

Mike: Very well, ask your questions.

Tom: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck
wood?

Mike: Um, I don't know, 30 pounds?

Tom: Uh, that's right.

Mike: Good, now what's the second question?

Tom: Um, you see, no one's ever gotten that question right so I've
never needed a second one.

Mike: Good, then I can cross.

Mike: Oh, we'll be right back.

<"Psychic Network" flashes across the screen, then changes to show a
woman talking to another woman>
Woman #1: My psychic found out I called another Psychic line and now
predicts my imminent death. What an amazing woman!
Woman #2: Well, I called my psychic and found out my husband's been
cheating on me!
Woman #3: Wow! Am I the only one who hasn't received bad new from my
psychic?
Woman #1: Honey, you're calling the wrong psychics.
Woman #3: Then I'll try the new one as soon as possible.
Woman #2: You'd better hurry, mine says you'll die soon if you don't.
<fades to laughter>

<SOL>

Crow: Mike! I've found Mike!

Mike: Mmmph!

Crow: May I bite him?

Mike: RLPH!

Tom: How do you know it's Mike?

Crow: He's wearing the usual jumper suit.

Tom: Ah, but didn't Joel also wear a jumper suit?

Crow: Yeah, good point. <Thinks> Ah, he's got blond hair!

Tom: But didn't Joel also have blond hair?

Crow: I guess so . .

Mike: <More struggling noises>

Crow: He sounds like Mike!

Tom: But those gagging noises also sound like Joel too!

Crow: Yeah, I guess it's not Mike then . . . Joel's back!

Mike: MMMPH!

Mike: Untie me now, guys!

Crow: Sure thing, Joel!

Mike: I'm not Joel, I'm Mike!

Tom: Yeah, sure Joel.

Mike: Ah, Dr. Jekyll is calling.

Dr. F: Welcome, Mike. Hello, robots. Skipping the usual intro today,
I'll skip right to the Invention Exchange I'm so looking forward too.

<Dr. Forrester bends down and reappears with a cute puppy>

Dr. F: Now, here we have a disgustingly cute puppy. Evil doesn't
always have to come in cruel forms, as I will soon demonstrate.

<Dr. Forrester puts the puppy down and reappears with a tape recorder.
He pushes play and barking comes from the player>

Dr. F: I've recorded the puppy's barking onto this player and now,
whenever someone is trying to enjoy something, I'll play this right in
the middle of it and drive them over the edge of sanity!

<SOL>

Mike: You don't need a player to do that. Anyway, our invention is a
new card game called "MST3K" based off our experiences here on the SOL.

Tom: Three stacks are required, one contains characters from previous
shows, another contains movies and the last contains clever lines.

Crow: To play, each player makes their own three stacks and draws one
card from the character stack and six clever lines. Each pulls one
movie card off the movie stack and places it right side up on the table.

Mike: Now, the fun begins. Take the character card and place it below
the movie card, and then drop a clever line under it. A third person
must be present to act as judge for both players and choose the best
card that matches both the character and the movie.

Tom: We would've made it better, but we didn't have time, Crow nearly
tore everything up after running into "Manos: Hand of Fate"

Crow: You promised you'd never mention that movie ever again!

Dr. F: Wow, pointless, boring, entirely stupid, I love it! You've been
hanging around me too long, Nelson. Anyway, your posting today is a
Relgious rant from my good friend Jeanine Sautron called "The Last Mark
of the Beast Laodicea Warning". I do believe today will be the breaking
of your very soul, Nelson, so prepare for fresh pain!

<SOL>

Mike: Laodi-who?

Mike: Ah! We've got Doomsday Sign!

<6...5...4...3...2...1...@>

<M&TB enter the theater>

Crow: Ah, it is you, Mike! I recognize your silhouette now!
Mike: Good, now be quiet.

>Return-Path: dre...@wanweb.net

Tom: We at Wanweb believe that dreams are the future of the internet.

>From: dre...@wanweb.net
>X-Sender: dre...@wanweb.net
>Date: Fri, 29 Aug 97 17:17:49 EST
>To: 78...@3452.com

Crow: This is to be received by our good buddy 39602!

>Subject: Last Mark Of The Beast Ladocea Warning

Mike: The Mark of the Beast can cause birth defects, as well as skin
cancer!

>
>To: Laodicea the Remnant(what remains of God's last church on earth):

Tom: Please stop flaming my e-mail, just because the word "daemon"
appears in my e-mail!

>The Loud Cry Is Finished!

Crow: And my throat is really soar!

> Prepare Yourselves For the End! The end is near!

Mike: The sooner the end of this comes, the sooner we can get outta
this theater!

>The sealing is terminated in the sanctuary of God! This is the last message
>that we are bringing to you, and there will not be another one!

Tom: Well, duh, if the end is near, they shouldn't be able to send
another one!

>http://www.dreamsandvisions.com http://www.raysoflight.com

Crow: Are all mirror sites for www.heavensgate.com

>Dreams and Visions by Jeanine Sautron; published by Roy Lemke

Tom: Collected by H.P. Lovecraft

>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>Message to Laodicea the Remnant

Mike: Dear Mr. Laodicea, where do you get your strange looking name
from?

>
> (a) The hour of the judgment is come. (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/
>lastcall/index.html#N_2_

Tom: Not a WORD, Crow!
Crow: I'm not saying anything, you're the one who thought it!
Mike: Hey you two, keep this a family MiSTing!
Tom: Oh, well, for the kids out there, we were, um, remarking about how
we're getting tired of grammar mistakes (Yeah, that'll do)

> The hour of the judgment is come The Lord came from heaven upon
>his throne to give the last cry of the third angel. This solemn message
>announces to all men living upon the earth that they should repent,

Mike: All right guys, we have sixty minutes to make it to the church!

> that
>there is a very short respite, by the loud cry of the third angel to every
>man, giving the terrible warning: "IF ANY MAN WORSHIP THE BEAST AND HIS
>IMAGE AND RECEIVE HIS MARK, THE SAME SHALL DRINK THE WINE OF THE WRATH OF
>GOD, WHICH IS POURED OUT WITHOUT MIXTURE." [Revelation 14:9,10.]

Tom: Which is because you need a liquor license to mix drinks in the
first place!

> (2) The Lord told me: "Jeanine, the church of Laodicea the Remnant
>receives this order to give the last cry, the last appeal." The Lord
>reminded me, this order was already given to Laodicea the Remnant in March,
>1988:

Crow: Wow, 1988, that Hour of Judgement must take quite a long time!

> "Arise and shine!"

Mike: It's time for school!

> Darkness covers the earth. The church had a
>mission to rise up and give the last loud cry, the last appeal for a last
>chance.

Tom: Unfortunately, since it was dark, they couldn't see their audience
and ended up giving the last cry/appeal to a horde of forest animals.

> (3) The Lord declares: "THE HOUR OF JUDGMENT IS COME. TO ME THE
>RETRIBUTION, TO ME THE VENGEANCE. WHOEVER WORSHIPS THE BEAST AND RECEIVES
>HIS MARK WILL RECEIVE THE WRATH OF GOD."

Crow: You mean all creatures will disappear from the earth?

> (4) This had been the mission of the remnant church since the year
>1988.

Mike: Laodicea, serving the Wrath of God since 1988.

> (5) Jesus says in his words and his judgment: "The fate of the
>wicked is done." The Lord raised his pierced hands and cried out: "My
>blood! My blood! My blood! They have shed the blood of the saints and of
>the prophets. They are guilty of it." Soon the inhabitants of the earth
>will wake up under the wrath of the plagues. The men who are sleeping in
>the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah will wake up. The wrath will burst out like
>a thunder in a blue sky. "To me the vengeance, to me the wrath," said
>Jesus, seated up high upon his throne. Jesus speaks about the whore, the
>harlot Babylon: She made the blood of the saints and the prophets to run
>down.

Tom: Whoa, sounds like New York City!

> Pour out double of the cup of his wrath. [See Revelation 17:1-6,
>18:5-8]

Crow: Parenthetical Citations for the Bible?

> The Lord was in wrath and was judging with severity. The fate of
>the wicked is delayed.

Mike: The wrath in Mexico is still taking some time, so it'll reach the
US in about 20 years.

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.h
>tml#N_3_
> (6) The remnant church has received the strength of the Holy Spirit
>to accomplish her mission in the world. The separation of the wise virgins
>and the foolish virgins is terminated. I heard from everywhere the message:
>"COME OUT FROM THE MIDST OF HER, MY PEOPLE! [See Revelation 18:4]

Crow: Even the characters on "Beverly Hills 90210" told me this!

> It was
>the prospectuses which were distributed throughout the world. It was the
>last loud cry: "COME OUT OF BABYLON AND APOSTATE LAODICEA!"

Crow: (Double takes) Apo-WHAT?

> (footnote:http:/
>/199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_4_
> (7) The work since this year 1988 lasted nine (9) years. The earth
>was lightened with the glory of the third angel. The fourth angel was sent
>by Jesus in order to assist the third angel, to give strength to this
>message and, at the same time, to put the reform in the ranks of the church
>of Laodicea the Remnant. And Jesus said to me,

Tom: I need an angel back to assist me!

> That had a great success.
>The union of these two angels caused the church to progress toward holiness
>and prepare her for Jacob's struggle.

Mike: Netscape or Internet Explorer?

> (8) The Lord Jesus kept his promise:

Tom: We all hope he would!

> He said in a talk that he
>would show me when the loud cry of the third angel would end.

Crow: When did it begin?

> (9) After the Sun of grace set for the world in December 1996, a
>few months following this prophecy,

Mike: Running a bit slow, aren't we?

> the Lord revealed to me the end of the
>loud cry. Jesus kept his promise. All his words have been fulfilled in the
>times revealed by the Lord.

Crow: The first half of the prophecy: The Cancellation of "Married
with Children!"

> (10) The loud cry of the third angel is finished! The loud cry of
>the third angel is finished! The loud cry of the third angel is finished!

Mike: <As a newsie> Getcher paper here! "Angel finally stops crying!"

> (11) The sealing is terminated for the church and for the world.
>The sealing is terminated for the church and for the world. The sealing is
>terminated for the church and for the world.

Tom: I can't stop repeating myself! I can't stop repeating myself! I
can't stop repeating myself!

> (12) Upon his throne, Jesus, seated as King of kings and Lord of
>lords, says this: "It is finished."

Crow: <as Jesus> Now what do I do?

> It is done for the wicked. The time of
>divine reprobation has arrived at its end. (footnote at: http://199.79.131.2
>/via/lastcall/index.html#N_6_ It is done for the wicked. Their fate has
>been sealed. "TO ME THE VENGEANCE, TO ME THE RETRIBUTION," said the Lord.
>It is done for the wicked who are going to wake up under the plagues.

Mike: Ow, sounds harsh!

>(footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_6_
> (13) In the vision, the Lord rose from his throne and said to me:
>"ARISE AND SHINE, LAODICEA!"

Tom: Don't make me pull out the cold water bucket!

> This church of the last days rose up and gave
>the last appeal to the world, formed by the publishing houses of Dreams and
>Visions. The loud cry of the third angel started on March 15, 1988. From
>that prophetic date, the message was of short duration: 9 years of warning
>to the world.

Crow: And that's considered short?

> It is through the survivors of the Eternal, the brand plucked
>out of the fire, that the work terminated, through this small minority of
>faithful ones. The survivors of the Eternal rose up and proclaimed the loud
>cry of the third angel.

Mike: You mean no one could hear a cry that loud and lasted for 9
years?

> (14) A few months later, the Lord made me see in a dream the end of
>the loud cry. I saw that the earth was in a profound spiritual darkness,
>and the world left to Satan.

Tom: So basically, God left his refuse for Satan?

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/inde
>x.html#N_7_
> The Lord made me live this terrible moment of the end of the loud
>cry. I saw that the sun lost its brightness. A profound darkness invaded
>the earth. I saw wonders in the heaven and upon the earth. I saw columns of
>smoke everywhere. In the heaven, the lightnings were following one after
>the other. The heaven was on fire.

Tom: Hold on, I thought Heaven was supposed to be where the good people
were safe?

> I saw that the stars were breaking away.

Crow: Uh-oh, I think Cthulhu's decided to visit!

>They came out of their places and were spreading from everywhere in the
>heaven in a mad course. I lifted up my eyes again, and I saw in the heaven
>that the clouds vanished and let the canopy of heaven appear with a
>beautiful blue; and there, I saw the moon which was showing itself in a
>crimson red color.

Mike: All right, who spray painted the moon?

> It became like the blood of a dead person.

Tom: Apollo the Thirteenth!

> The smoke was
>spreading everywhere in the air, and I was suffocating.

Crow: When Acid trips go bad!

> (footnote
>at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_8_
> (15) And I saw a rain of fire falling on the earth. I was
>trembling. An angel came by my side and said to me: "I am the fourth angel,
>the one who gave strength to the third angel. He cried out with full voice:
>"THE LOUD CRY IS FINISHED! THE LOUD CRY OF THE THIRD ANGEL IS FINISHED! THE
>LOUD CRY OF THE THIRD ANGEL IS FINISHED!"

Mike: Someone's gonna need some asprin for that headache, once all this
yelling and apocolyptic stuff ends.

> [The fourth angel's message is
>found in Revelation 18.]
> (16) Prepare yourselves for the end! Prepare yourselves for the
>end! Prepare yourselves for the end!

Tom: For this e-mail, the sooner the better!

> Now the events are going to follow one
>after the other. Pray! Pray! Remain united! Communicate! Pray on your
>knees.

Crow: What if you have no knees?
Tom: Pray standing on your head then!
Crow: What if you have no head?
Tom: Then you've already experienced the Apocalypse.

> You should reflect the image of Jesus and seek him as you have never
>done before. Prepare for the end!
> (17) Join your hands, pray upon your knees, pray to God, pray upon
>your knees, pray to God, pray upon your knees, pray to God in order to
>escape.

Mike: Can't you just stand and make it easier?

> (18) In that scene under the rain of fire, the angel joined his
>hands and prayed with fervor and force.

Tom: If the angel's already in heaven, then why should it pray?

> (19) In this frightening scene of nature, the angel placed himself
>by my side, and took me through the rain of fire to find me a refuge.

Mike: <As Jeanine> Remind me never to eat a whole pizza before going
to bed!

> (20) In the frightening scene, he let me come back alone after the
>vision, to our earth. And I found myself in a thick darkness, so deep that
>I was suffering.

Tom: Looks like they got her back there a bit too late!

> I remained alone in the vision of things. The angel that
>came near me, told me that he was sent by Jesus to make me know that the
>loud cry is finished, the sealing is terminated. The message was intended
>for the church of Laodicea the Remnant, the survivors of the Lord.

Crow: Then why tell us about it?

> (21) He pronounced these words very often: "Remain united, remain
>united."

Mike: Abraham Lincoln's last words.

> A white lightning came and fell near us. And I saw in this rain of
>fire and smoke the glory of God was surrounding him. The angel knelt down,
>joined his hands and prayed. He said to me: "Kneel down also near me. Pray
>to God. Pray to God." No sooner did I bow my knees down than I rose up. I
>could not, because I WAS ATTRACTED BY THE UNCHAINED ELEMENTS OF FIRE, OF
>LIGHTNING, OF SMOKE, the stars that were falling from heaven, which kept me
>from joining this angel in the prayer. He understood me and reassured me.

Mike: <As God> Everything will be all right, Jeanine, the world's only
gonna end, that's all.

>He made me traverse the rain of fire, of smoke, and made a way for me in
>the unchained elements. He protected me so that the fire from heaven
>touched me not.

Crow: This thing just keeps going!

> "I have order to protect you during the vision." I heard
>his voice still like an echo: "The loud cry is finished!"

Tom: I think we know this already!

> (22) I was trembling, but confident near the angel who was
>protecting me; and slowly I came back to the earth.

All: <singing> I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!

> (23) After this vision, I got up in the night and was unable to
>sleep again till morning.

Tom: <As Jeanine> Then, I found out I was in a drunken stupor, married
another woman, got my butt tatooed, received three more piercings,
shaved off half my head, and really felt wasted.

> (24) Jesus our Lord kept his promise; and the prophecy was
>fulfilled for the Dreams and Visions messages. The fourth angel will come
>to join the third angel in order to put the reform in the ranks of the
>Laodiceans the Remnant.
> (25) Some time after this vision, the Holy Spirit caused me to see
>in a dream THE IMMORALITY OF MEN. Sex has become the priority in the things
>of life.

Mike: <As a hippie> Yeah man! Make love, not war!

> The marriage sacrament has been trampled under foot. And I was
>saying to the people surrounding me: "It is obvious that the Spirit of God
>withdrew from the earth." The people surrounding me shook their shoulders,
>as to see not and ignore the conduct of the world. I saw that sex was
>before everything. This is why the Lord gives the counsels for our
>sanctification:
>
> Renounce meat

Tom: So God's a vegetarian?

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_9_
> and sexuality.

Crow: That'd be no problem for you, Mike!
Mike: Don't go there, Crow!

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_9_
> In heaven, no child will be born.

Tom: I think I know where the stork went now!

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_11_
> (26) The Church of Laodicea should leave the things of this life
>and reflect upon the character of Jesus and seek him with all our hearts,
>in prayer and fasting. There should not be any marriage among us.

Mike: What's so wrong with marraige?
Crow: Ask the Bobbits!

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_12_
> In this very short time, the husbands will have to consider
>themselves as having no wives and the wives as having no husbands.

Tom: Instead, we'll all be herded into small barns for mating season.
Mike: Why would non-married people use words like "husband" and "wife"
to describe themselves?

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_13_
> Such are the counsels of the fourth angel, who came to lend his
>strong voice to the third angel.
> Renounce television,

Crow: Down with "Touched by an Angel"!
Tom: Renounce your sins, "Star Trek"!
Mike: Mr. Bean, or your soul!

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_14_
> sexuality, and meat. What God wants is our sanctification.
> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_15_
> The old apostate Laodicea has trampled under foot all these
>counsels. This is why this apostate people will not have the strength to
>fight in the last days. No shelter will be given them because they have
>refused the counsels of Jesus, the True and Faithful Witness. Jesus said to
>me: "THEY WILL HAVE NO SHELTER."

Crow: Yeah, that's how to gain the people's faith, make them suffer!

> They will be left to Satan. I saw that man
>fell lower than the animal.

Tom: Willow?

> The world is in darkness. The Spirit of God
>withdrew from men, from the heads of states (presidents) and the kings of
>the earth. Notwithstanding the desire to straighten out the social
>difficulties, whomever that man may be, and his desires and his most noble
>will, he will be doomed to fail because the grace of God is no longer with
>the statesmen to straighten out the most disastrous situation there has
>ever been. It is too late. It is too late. It is too late. Everything
>stopped and is being prepared for the end.

Mike: Brought to you by "Weekly World News".

> (27) I saw that men can no longer perceive the Holy Spirit of God.
>They are now animals, beasts that are being taken to the butcher to be
>slaughtered.

Crow: What happens when the final beast to be slaughtered is the
butcher?

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_16_
> (28) The Spirit of God withdrew from the earth; the sun of
>righteousness is set for ever. This is why we must pray, SEEK JESUS IN HIS
>HUMILITY AND HIS CHARACTER in order to live in this world when we will no
>longer have an intercessor
> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_17_
> and that the Spirit of God will have withdrawn definitively from
>the earth. The angel told me: "PRAY! PRAY TO GOD!" We must spend more time
>in prayer. Let us leave all our carnal pursuits and prepare for the end.

Tom: Pack your bags, the end is near!

> We
>are the "SURVIVORS" of the Eternal who should live before the wonders and
>the signs of the last days. Now we live on this earth. But our abode is
>with Jesus who is coming upon the clouds of heavens.

Mike: Hey guys, I think we gotta break here.
<Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the Theater>

<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>

<M&TB enter the room, and then suddenly are greeted by a loud wailing
noise>

Mike: <Yelling> What is that?

Tom: I think the Third Angel is still screaming!

Crow: Shut it up!

Tom: I can't!

Mike: Hand me the holy Remote Control!

Tom: Yes, of course, the holy Remote Control of Manos!

Mike: Ah, that sounds a lot better.

Tom: Great, Mike, I think you've finally established that the end of
the world is near!

Mike: I did stop the screaming though!

Crow: Yeah, but now, there's no future for Mankind!

Mike: Oh, we'll be right back!

<M&TB enter the theater>

>
> (29) Soon when the beast and his law will fill the earth with their
>moral corruption, Laodicea the Remnant will have to live without an
>intercessor when the plagues will be poured out upon the earth.

Crow: And soon, Laodicea will not live when the plague reaches.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_18_
> This is why Jesus tells us to prepare ourselves,

Tom: Jesus was a Boy Scout?

> a moral, physical,
>and spiritualpreparation. Today Jesus declares through the Dreams and the
>Visions: "IT IS DONE FOR THE WICKED; THEIR FATE HAS BEEN SEALED, AS IT WAS
>IN THE TIME OF LOT, OF NOAH. ESCAPE!"

Mike: . . . to Witch Mountain?
Crow: . . . from L.A.?
Tom: . . . from New York?

> The Lord said to me: "Escape for thy
>life! The end is very, very near. It will be as thunder bursting in a blue
>sky, taking by surprise the wicked in their bad habits and their
>immorality."

Crow: Hey look! Pogs! There goes my immortal soul!

> (30) The last appeal is given to Laodicea to enter his home and
>prepare for the end.

Mike: Now, go into the bomb shelter and stay there. I've stashed tons
of franks 'n beans to survive you till Doomsday, which isn't very long.

> (31) My brothers and sisters, let us remain united, remain grouped.

Tom: What about dads and mothers?

>Let those who can see each other, assemble in prayer. Pray for those who
>are alone, who must fight alone with the grace of God. Unite, make camp
>meetings, regroup often for prayer. It is a grace for the Lord to give us
>counsels for the victory. Pray. It will be your absolute weapon in the
>distress and in the fights.

Crow: What about all these bibles we bought? And crucifixes?

> (32) Jesus said to me: "Those who can, sustain the publishing
>houses."

Mike: We need to clear the publishing house for sweepstakes!

> Support your brothers and sisters and those who are in need. Remain
>united. Have in you the sentiments which were in Jesus Christ. The
>publishing houses will have to publish until the Sunday law appears.

Tom: So God doesn't have his own printing press?

>Notwithstanding the loud cry is finished, the Lord desires for us to
>continue to transmit the message to his sons and daughters who will come in
>the Jacob's struggle and who are still in the world.

Crow: Who'll spread it though, when all the christians are gone?

> (33) Jesus gives me this message for all the publishing houses:
>When the Sunday law will be put into force with the mark of the beast, do
>not wait; sell, sell all the publishing machines and close your publishing
>houses. Flee the cities, withdraw, for the wrath is going to swoop down
>upon the earth.

Mike: Yes, damn you all for publishing H.P. Lovecraft!

> Flee the cities, those who can, get out of the cities,
>escape for thy life. Jesus desires for us, as we prepare for Jacob's
>struggle, to lighten ourselves now from our loads. Live with the minimum.
>The child of God should no longer have money [saved up] in a bank account,
>for everything will be taken away from us by the mark of the beast.

Crow: Wow, the Repo man works for God.

> Jesus
>said: "LIVE WITH THE MINIMUM. FLEE THE IMMORALITY OF THIS WORLD. I DESIRE
>YOUR SANCTIFICATION." What God wants is our sanctification.

Tom: Thank you for clearing that up.

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_19_
> (34) Give, give for those who are perishing, those for whom we can
>no longer do anything. For the Lord desires that, being the salt of the
>earth, we make shine around us the beautiful sun of his righteousness, that
>he placed in our hearts. Give for those who are perishing, for we can no
>longer do anything for them. Now it is too late for this world, that the
>Lord has judged once for all. "IT IS DONE FOR THE WICKED."

Crow: Hey Mike,

Roland Warner

unread,

Oct 7, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/7/97

Crow: Hey Mike, what do Ewoks have to do with this?
Mike: That's not "Wicket," Crow, it's "Wicked!"
Crow: Oh . . .

> Looking at this
>world still a last time for a little time, let us give our time, our energy
>in order that our faith be strengthened in love. You are the salt of the
>earth. Prepare yourselves.

Tom: For you all will be sprinkled on French Fries.

> (35) The Lord has promised to keep his faithful church during the
>time of distress and of the great temptation which will come to take by
>surprise the inhabitants of the earth.
> (36) I cried out by faith, convinced of his love, and I trembled no
>more: If an army would encamp against me, I would not fear.

Mike: If Cthulhu appeared before me and tore apart every piece of my
sanity, I would laugh it off.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_20_
> The Lord will be our safeguard. Let us remain faithful to him.
>Jesus also said: "If one withdraws, my soul will take no pleasure in him."

Crow: There goes all the agnostics.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_21_
> (37) In his love, God has shortened the time because of his elect;
>because of his love for this small remnant; otherwise, no one would be
>saved.

Tom: Well, except for politicians and lawyers.

> (38) After some time went by, I had another dream.

Mike: I was in the middle of class wearing nothing but my underwear.

> An angel took me
>into the presence of Jesus in the most holy place. He instructed me
>regarding the time which is shortened: "Prepare yourselves for the end!
>Prepare yourselves for Jacob's struggle which is fast approaching."

Crow: I'm sure Jacob's thrilled about this.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_22_
> He instructed me regarding the time of respite that is left for
>this world. The ruin will be sudden and unexpected as a thunder bursting in
>a blue sky. The world will be surprised by the destruction which is
>approaching as was the world of Sodom and Gomorrah. God destroyed these
>cities by fire.

Tom: Looks like Beavis and Butthead lived there.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_23_
> (39) Thus, the Lord declares to me, the time of Satan's rebellion
>is finished. His reign is ending soon. The six thousand years are over. "To
>me the vengeance, to me the retribution," said the Lord, "I come to render
>to each one according to his works and to destroy Satan the devil."

Crow: Where will all the non-believers go then? You can't very well
say "Damn it all to hell!" anymore.

> Jesus
>looked at his pierced hands and said with a loud voice: "My blood! My
>blood! My blood! I have engraved them, my faithful ones, in the palms of my
>hands. I know them. The saints have been counted and sealed. The loud cry
>of the third angel is finished."

Mike: Do we have to go through this crying thing again?

> (40) Looking at his pierced hands, Jesus said: "My blood! My blood!
>My blood! Let the holy be holy still; let the pure be pure still; let the
>holy be holy still; let the filthy be filthy still. I come to render to
>each one according to his works!
> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_24_

> The hour of the judgment is come."

Crow: Damn these gramatical errors!
Mike: You think he'd do it?

> (41) Jesus comforted me for the struggle that is approaching.
>"Pray!" he said to me. The Lord gives to his church the secret of victory:
>"Pray! Pray!
> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_25_

Tom: You can locate the prayer here.

> Struggle as Jacob struggled in order for you to have victory.

Mike: And what would happen if Jacob didn't have his struggle?

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_26_
> (42) He gives me the secret of victory and the counsels: Renounce
>meat and sexuality.

Tom: Hey, the two do go hand in hand.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_27
> Renounce self. Prepare yourself.Renounce self. Prepare
>yourself.Renounce self. Prepare yourself.

Crow: Repeat self.Repeat self.Repeat self.

> Do not imitate Lot's wife.

Mike: Lot's wife would be very much offended!

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_28_
> Do not look back. Flee, flee worldliness, the world, and escape for
>thy life.

Tom: In other words, RUN!
Crow: For the border?

> (43) The Lord said to me, our work is terminated. We must now
>withdraw from the world, prepare ourselves for the end that will burst as a
>thunder in a beautiful blue skythe end that will burst as a thunder in a
>beautiful blue skythe end that will burst as a thunder in a beautiful blue
>sky. The world will be surprised. But yourselves, you know the events and
>the signs. The events will go very fast, Jesus told me. He has shortened
>again the days because of his elect; otherwise, no one would be saved. He
>has rushed the end which is approaching.

Mike: You know, I hate it when they spoil the ending.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_29_
> (44) The angel who is accompanying me said to me: "Prepare
>yourselves! Prepare yourselves! Prepare yourselves! You should live with
>the Lord as you have never lived. The world will know a time of distress
>such as there has never been before, a time of distress which will be the
>time of the end before Jesus comes back."

Crow: Why come back if nothing will be there?

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_30_
> (45) JESUS SAID TO ME THAT HE HAS RUSHED THE END. Prepare
>yourselves. Pray.

Tom: "Over the mouth, and through the tongue, look out tummy, here it
comes."

> (46) The loud cry of the third angel went around the earth. The
>earth was lightened with his glory. The fourth angel came to give force to
>the third angel in order to reform the people of Laodicea the Remnant. The
>Lord told me, "What God wants is our sanctification."

Mike: So what do I do with the pizza I got ya then, God?

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_31_
> (47) The loud cry of the third angel is finished. Jesus, the great
>priest, raised his pierced hands and said: "My blood! My blood! My blood! I
>have engraved them in the palms of my hands.

Crow: Why?

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_32_
>
> THE SAINTS HAVE BEEN COUNTED AND SEALED.

Tom: One is still missing.

> (48) Quoting the words of
>Isaiah 43, the Lord pronounced with strength and with joy shining upon his
>face, these solemn words: "Thus saith now the Lord that created thee, O
>Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, fear not: for I have redeemed
>thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest
>through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall
>not overflow thee: when thou walketh through the fire, thou shalt not be
>burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy
>God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Savior." Approaching near me, he touched
>my shoulder and said to me: "Because thou art of great price in my sight;
>because thou art honored and I love thee."

Mike: Busy guy.

> (49) The Lord honored me as representing the body of the church.
>[He said:] "Write my words and transmit them to your brothers and sisters
>of the church of Laodicea the Remnant." This message is for us, the remnant
>church.

Crow: Then why tell us?

> (50) Then, looking with a prophetic eye, Jesus addresses the
>outside world: "Bring my sons from far away countries and my daughters from
>the extremities of the earth, all those who are called by my name, and that
>I have created for my glory, that I have formed and that I have made."
>Isaiah 43:6,7 THESE WORDS ARE ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO ARE IN THE WORLD,

Tom: And all those out of this world1

> and
>that he has anointed and sealed with his seal. The Lord pronounced the end
>of the sealing for the world. I saw that he resumed his place before the
>altar for you, my brothers, for me, until he says: "IT IS DONE!" And the
>[seven last] plagues will be poured out upon the earth.

Mike: Let's see here, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful, Doc, and,
um, Hugo!

> (footnote:http://199.
>79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_33
> (51) The Lord instructed me and said to me: "Pray as Jacob prayed.
>You are Jacobs who will have to flee and struggle before the power of the
>beast and his image. DO NOT RECEIVE HIS MARK. Remain faithful. Keep thy
>crown. Prepare yourself for the end."

Crow: And, exactly how long will it take for this to end?

> (52) Advancing, Jesus took his place before the propitiatory altar,
>raised again his pierced hands and cried out: "Father, my blood! My blood!
>My blood! I want all those you have given me to be always with me. The
>judgment of the world is terminated. The loud cry of the third angel is
>finished. The saints have been counted and sealed. Let the holy be holy
>still; let the righteous be righteous still; let the pure be pure still;
>let the filthy be filthy still. To me the vengeance, the retribution

Mike: You konw, I'd hate to meet whoever wrote this in a dark alley.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_34_
> I COME TO RENDER EACH ONE ACCORDING TO HIS WORKS."

Tom: Does this include Stephen King?

> (53) Jesus took his censer and balanced it three times on the top
>of the propitiatory altar.

Crow: Wouldn't once be enough?

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_35_The most
>holy place was filled with smoke and the angel took my hand. Jesus looked
>at me a last time and said to me: "Without waiting, transmit these messages
>to the publishing houses, to your brothers and sisters. Be faithful and
>keep thy crown.

Mike: And tell Ed McMahon I want to win this time.

> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_36_
> "I come!"

Tom: I lost!

> (54) I remained a moment in the contemplation of Jesus. And I said
>in my heart: "He is very much in love with his church. I love thee! I adore
>thee! Thou art marvelous!" Jesus smiled at me. I lost sight of this place.

Crow: I lost sight of this a long time ago.

> (55) My brothers and sisters, Jesus is very much in love with his
>church. What a joy, what happiness these words put in my heart and in my
>soul, when he said: "Because thou art of great price in my sight, because
>thou art honored and that I love thee. I expressed myself with these words:
>'Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is
>stronger than death, a flame of the Eternal.'"

Mike: I wonder, why doesn't Jesus appear to anyone anymore like he does
here?

> (footnote at:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_37
> This is the wish of the woman, the bride of Jesus, the Church of
>Laodicea who is waiting with joy and patience for the happy day of his
>return. Amen! Come, Lord Jesus! Let the bride say: Amen! Come! We are
>waiting for you; Come Lord Jesus!

Tom: And he left her at the altar? I thought he didn't want anyone to
marry?

> (56) My brothers and sisters, I can tell you, Jesus loves us. He
>expressed his love for his faithful church in quoting the words of Isaiah
>43. What a wonderful Savior! My sisters, my brothers, what a brother that
>we have! Let us hasten, pray, prepare ourselves in order to hasten this
>happy day. Let us prepare ourselves for the end. What a love of our Savior
>Jesus Christ!

Crow: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

> (57) I have no words to express how much this presence is adorable
>to me, how much I love him.
> (footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_38_
> But the Lord has expressed his love for his church of Laodicea the
>Remnant by these words of Isaiah 43. Let us engrave them in our memory. Let
>us meditate upon them. Let us read often Isaiah 43 in our struggles,
>(footnote:http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#N_39_
>and never forget that we have a brother full of love and compassion for his
>faithful ones.
>(58) Prepare yourselves for Jacob's struggle. Prepare yourselves for the
>end. Pray, pray. Remain united. Jesus comes! Be faithful. Keep thy crown,
>said the Master.

Tom: Um, I lost my Burger King Crown!

>
>Your sister in Christ,
>

Mike: Joan of Arc.

>Jeanine Sautron
>

Tom: Welp, I think that's it!
Mike: I don't think so, look at the scroll down bar.
Tom: Oh God, there can't be THAT much left.
Mike: 'Fraid so.

>To:

Crow: Frankenstein, From the Power company

>Laodicea the Remnant
>From:
>Dreams and Visions
>Evangelistic Center, Inc.

Mike: Ah, this explains everything then!

>PO Box 10
>Grand Ronde, OR 97347-0010 Dreams and Visions Jeanine Sautron The Loud Cry
>Is Finished! The Loud Cry is Finished! Prepare Yourself for the End!

Tom: We know this already!

><a
> href="http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_2">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_2 </a>

>The hour of the judgment is come

Crow: *nod* yeah!

><a
> href="http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html">http://199.79.131.2/via/l
> astcall/index.html </a>
>#_1_4
>If any man worship the beast and his image and receive his mark

Mike: Does this leave Beauty and the Beast out of the picture?

><a
> href="http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_5">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_5 </a>
>The wrath of God

Tom: Destroy all creatures.

><a
> href="http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_6">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_6 </a>
>Come out from the midst of her, my people!

Crow: Out of who?

>>a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_7">http://199.79.131.2/v
> ia/lastcall/index.html#_1_7 </a>

>The loud cry of the third angel is finished!

Crow: That's it, I'm outta here!
Mike: You know, Crow, that bit's getting to old, you need a new line.
Crow: You're right, Mike, let's try this: "By this time, the third
angel's lungs were gasping for air."
Mike: Stick with the "I'm outta here!" line then.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_8">http://199.79.131.2/v
> ia/lastcall/index.html#_1_8 </a>

>The sealing is terminated for the church and for the world.

Tom: What sealing?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_9">http://199.79.131.2/v
> ia/lastcall/index.html#_1_9 </a>
>To me the vengeance, to me the retribution

Mike: To me, the figgy newtons!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_10">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_10 </a>
>Fire falling on the earth

Mike: <As Beavis> Whoa! Fire!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_11">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_11 </a>

>Prepare yourselves for the end!

Tom: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_12">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_12 </a>
>Pray upon your knees, pray to God

Crow: I pray that Debbie likes me!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_13">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_13 </a>
>The unchained elements of fire, of lightning, of smoke

Mike: There's a plus for Tobacco farmers.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_14">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_14 </a>
>The immorality of men

Tom: Just ask Aesop about Immorals!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_15">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_15 </a>
>They will have no shelter

Crow: But tell me, what do you really think of me?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_16">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_16 </a>
>It is too late

Mike: To turn back now?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_17">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_17 </a>
>Seek Jesus in his humility and his character

Crow: Not too modest, is he?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_18">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_18 </a>
>Prepare ourselves, a moral, physical, and spiritual preparation

Tom: I thought all we'll need is just prayer?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_19">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_19 </a>
>Flee the cities with the minimum

Mike: Everyone run to New York!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_20">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_20 </a>
>Live with the minimum

Mike: But weren't we just told to run from the minimum?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_21">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_21 </a>

>It is done for the wicked

Tom: They don't get any cake and ice cream!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_22">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_22 </a>
>The world will be surprised by the destruction

Crow: Well yeah, I mean, everything's gonna be gone in a flash, what's
not to surprise someone?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_23">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_23 </a>
>Renounce self. Prepare yourself.

Mike: Yeah yeah yeah, Prepare yourself, we've been through it a hundred
times.

>< a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_24">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_24 </a>
>The end that will burst as a thunder in a beautiful blue sky

Tom: <As a weatherman> and in California today, thunder will strike out
in the smog of downtown LA.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_25">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_25 </a>
>Jesus said to me that he has rushed the end

Crow: Why?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_26">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_26 </a>

>What God wants is our sanctification

Mike: Must . . . keep . . . sanity! Must not . . . let loose . . .
unholy demon of hell . . . from anger at e-mail

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_27">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_27 </a>
>The saints have been counted and sealed

Tom: Can't . . . take . . . much . . . more.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_28">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_28 </a>
>Because thou art of great price in my sight

Crow: How much am I worth?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_29">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_29 </a>
>It is done

Tom: WHAT? WHAT IS DONE?

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_30">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_30 </a>
>Do not receive his mark

Mike: I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT THE MARK!
Crow: Settle down guys! It's almost over!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_31">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_31 </a>
>I come to render each one according to his works.

Tom: Then send him after Neuron!

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_32">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_32 </a>
>He is very much in love with his church

Mike: Then tell it to the church!
Crow: I'm feeling a lot of negativity here, guys.
Tom: Mike, you want to do the honors?
Mike: Gladly, Crow, shut up.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_33">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_33 </a>
>Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm:

Tom: What if you arms don't work?

> for love
><a
href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_34">http://199.79.131.2/
via/lastcall/index.html#_1_34 </a>
>Jesus loves us

Crow: This I know.

><a
> href"http://199.79.131.2/via/lastcall/index.html#_1_35">http://199.79.131.2/
> via/lastcall/index.html#_1_35 </a>
>
>The Loud Cry Is Finished!The Loud Cry Is Finished!The Loud Cry Is
>Finished!

Mike: Thank God!

>Prepare Yourselves For The End!

Tom: Already done!

>Dreams and Visions by Jeanine Sautron 6/97

All: Thank you, Jeanine!

>
>
Mike: That's it, guys, we're outta here, now!

<M&TB exit the theater>

<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>

<Everyone, including Gypsy, is standing around, waiting for something.>

Tom: Well, anytime you want, God, you can start the end of the world,
thanks to Mike!

Gypsy: Um, guys, I should really go check on dinner, I think it's
starting to burn.

Crow: Why check on dinner if the world's gonna end soon?

Mike: Oh, go check on dinner, Gypsy.

Gypsy: Okay!

Tom: Well, while we're waiting, who's up for a little "MST3K: The Card
Game"?

Crow: Oooh! Me!

<Mad's Light flashes>

Mike: Yes, Dr. Forrester?

Dr. F: Someone shut them up!

Dr. F: Ah, I knew that would do it! After all, I'm the God!
A-hahaha! Until next time, Nelson, remember, I'll always be watching
you!

<Dr. Forrester pushes the button>

\|/
O
/|\
-----

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

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