MSTing "The Danger of Evil"

[Bandraptor]

This MSTing was written by Tom Currie. I'm just posting it for him :)
-Beth

[9th season opening]

[SoL. Camera is focused on the cover of a comic book titled "Amazingly
Scientific Stories About Fantastic Weirdos" (this week's special: the
paratrooping flashers of Altoona). Pulls back to show Mike leaning back in
his chair with his feet up on the desk, face hidden by comic. The bots
enter from the left giggling quietly.]

CROW: Hey, uh, Mike?
TOM:<snicker>
MIKE: Mmm?
CROW: Tom and I went to the local Disc Exchange and we decided to purchase
a heavy metal band advocating ritual self-mutilation and grisly violent
crime in the name of Satan.
TOM: We decided to tell you about it so you can get angry and red-faced and
threaten to ground us forever.
MIKE: I'm okay with it.
CROW: What do you mean we have to return- *eh*?
MIKE[face still hidden]: I realize that as you progress into adulthood, the
raging emotions inside of you long to express themselves with the kind of
music that seems to agree with the kind of anger you feel. Listening to
this music will vent hostilities that could otherwise harm your delicate
psyche.
CROW: Oh. Uhhhhh...
TOM: Okay then, we'll turn to a life of street crime. Our narrow-minded
territorial hatred of the other gangs will show itself in the corpses of
those whose lives we ended so prematurely. We shall ruin the lives of
others by peddling the poisons that allow them to fantasize about a
paradise removed from their harsh reality, when in fact the constant
consumption of narcotics drives them deeper into their slum.
CROW: And then we'll listen to a different type of offensive music!
MIKE: You both live in an economically utopian society without currency
that provides for your every need. Besides, you can't get down to Earth.
TOM: Oh. Yeah.
CROW: Did we try the satanic thing yet?
MIKE: Guys, I know that you're both progressing through a period in your
life that demands that you try rebelling against authority as characterized
by your parent(s). I feel that the best way to get through this is to show
myself as a caring helper, yet not smotheringly so. Unfortunately, since
your lifespans are magnified with the use of rustproof superhard Teflon,
the stage of your development that is analogous to normal human
adolescensce will last several millennia. Questions?
TOM: How did you pronounce (s)?
MIKE: Never you mind. Off to bed with you two.

[Bots leave. Commercial Light flashes. Mike bops it with the heel of his shoe.]

[Uneventful, except for when the CEO of Speedvision pirates airtime from a
X-Files Multimedia CD ad to beg you to change the channel to watch obscure
Icelandic drivers crash obscure French sports cars into obscure German
mountains.]

[SoL. Crow is listening to the aforementioned satanist rock CD on
headphones. Mike is still reading his comic.]

CROW: You know, when you have a chance to really listen to the music
instead of thinking how angry your old man is at you listening to it, you
realize how much it bites. <shakes off headphones, turns to Mike> Can I
read that?
MIKE: I keep the other issues in my dirty laundry hamper. Read them.
CROW: On second thought, I value my life too much.

[Castle Light flashes]

CROW: Pearl's calling. Better get that.
MIKE: Why? She'll just send us something evil. <electric shock sound fx,
Mike leaps out of his chair> YOW! That's a dirty trick, that is. <hits
button>

[Castle of Pearl. The set is littered with crates of various types of ammo
and weaponry. Pearl is in the foreground with a clipboard and an ammo
bandolier.]

PEARL: Hey there, Nelsoreeno! Turns out that a Forrester of the 1950s was
dating J. Robert Oppenheimer *and* Edward Teller, and before the breakup
she managed to squeeze zillions of megatons of nuclear death out of them.
Today we're taking inventory.

[A similarly attired Observer dashes up to her side.]

OBSERVER: I managed to find the stockpile of ill-conceived atomic weapons,
ma'am. We've got the atomic artillery shell, the atomic air-to-air missile,
the atomic field bazooka...
PEARL[writing down weapons]: Mm-hm...
OBSERVER: ...the atomic torpedo, the atomic mine...
PEARL: Yep...
OBSERVER: ...and last, the atomic pistol bullet, the atomic hand grenade,
and two or three of the very short-lived atomic bayonets.
PEARL: Okay. Where are they?
OBSERVER: Well, most of the stuff is in the sub-sub-basement, but the
bayonets should be over on the end table.
PEARL[looking to right]: I don't see anything on the end table...
OBSERVER: What? Odd. <glances left>I wonder wh-<does double-take to
left>NO!!! BOBO, THAT'S NOT A BUTTERKNIFE!!!

[Explosion, atomic flash, lots of scared monkey noises.]

OBSERVER: Well, at least we know they work.
PEARL[turning to camera]: Today being such an auspicious occasion on my
road to total control of the world, I've decided to send you a reasonably
short fanfic.

[SoL]

ALL: Yay!

[Castle]

PEARL: A reasonably short *Sonic* fanfic.

[SoL]

ALL: Aww...

[Castle. A singed and blackened Bobo is wandering about carrying a
blackened square of material that looks like a roof shingle.]

PEARL: Sit back, relax, and enter hell for the brief fic "The Danger of
Evil" by young artist David Pridemore. Ta!
BOBO: Would anyone like some toast?

[SoL. Tom now has a clipboard.]

TOM: Oh well. We should probably take a checklist too to prepare for a
space emergency. First aid?
MIKE: None.
TOM: Dehydrated food?
CROW: None.
TOM: Water purifier?
MIKE: None.
TOM: Flares?
CROW: None.
TOM: Hope?
MIKE: I don't think we ever had that.
TOM: Oh well. At least there's no chance that if there is an emergency,
we'd have to watch movies.
MIKE: Actually, I believe that there was an entertainment center sent up
that was capable of functioning in vacuum.

[Fanfic Sign]

ALL: AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOT FANFIC
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGNNN!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre]

>
>
>The Danger of Evil

ALL: <snicker>
CROW: The real danger of evil is low pay and no benefits.
MIKE: Yeah, I turned down the job of Blofeld's sidekick to go into temping.

>
>
> 20 years after death of Robotnik, things have been very peaceful on
>Mobius. King Acorn has been rescued from the Zone of Silence, stopped
>crystallizing, and is back on his throne.

TOM: Of course, Mobius was a constitutional monarchy, so this really didn't
matter all that much.

>
>
>Everything is okay...

CROW: That's good.

>
>FOR NOW.

CROW: Oh. So that's why that ellipsis was there.
TOM: I like the subtle foreshadowing here.

>
>
> Sonic was patrolling Knothole with his buddy, Tails, and his
>biggest fan
>Amy, when they stopped to see a huge fortress. It was surrounded with all
>of Robotnik's old robots and some of Crocbot's Wing Dingoes.

MIKE[British documentary-type voice]: Hitler's strikes against Australian
positions were aided by Goehrring's use of the Wing Dingo, which was
capable of launching from Berlin and traveling as far as Versailles for
baby-eating purposes.

>
>
>It had a
>garage filled with old reject vehicles that the owner made as a child.

TOM: In the future, exposition is done telepathically.

>Some still work. Just then, the owner came out. He was half robot, half
>man. He had a scar on his right eye, sharp teeth, strong jaws and a
>powerful body. He went by the name of Robobob.

MIKE[as narrator]: Don't ask us how we know. Just trust the exposition.

>
>
>"Sonic, what are we gonna
>do about this guy," said Tails. "I don't know, little buddy, I just don't
>know," replied Sonic. "When I was 15 in 1996,

TOM[singing]: Back in the summer of *69*!

>
>
>I could run very fast,
>but now that I'm 35, I don't go very fast anymore. I'm gettin' too old.

MIKE[as Sonic]: And as you know, all people over thirty are utterly useless.
TOM: This has developed frightening similarities to a Marissa story.
MARISSA: leav Me out of this

>I can't do my spin dash anymore, so I guess I'm pretty defenseless."

CROW: You know, this is probably the only occasion where the right to
purchase both an assault rifle and armor-piercing bullets is justified.
TOM: The Danger of Evil, the only fanfic endorsed and sponsored by the NRA!

>
>
> Sonic, Tails and Amy decide to go get Sally and the others. On the
way
>Amy ask a hard question.

TOM[as Amy]: Sure.

>
>
>"Sonic would you marry me? I've been waiting
>since I was eleven years old," asked Amy.

TOM[as Amy]: Was that okay?

>
>
>"Sorry Amy," said Sonic. "But
>Sally and I are gettin' married this Saturday."

ALL: <snicker>
MIKE: So Sonic and Sally have been living in sin for about twenty years?

>
>
>"Well, if you get
>divorced, would you marry me?" asked Amy. "I'll think about it," said
>Sonic. "YUCK!!!!!!!!!!" said Tails.

CROW: You know, since Tails is in his mid-to-late twenties, you'd expect
him to be a bit more mature.
MIKE: I wouldn't expect him to be mature in his mid-to-late eighties.

>
>
>"We gotta get back to Knothole and
>stop this chit chat, I'm gettin' sick." "You're right, Tails, let's get
>movin'," said Sonic. They finally reached Knothole. "Hey sugar-hog,"

TOM: I wonder how that would taste.

>said Bunnie. "Where ya been." "Patrollin' ," said Sonic. "That Sally
>gotcha workin' again, huh?"

CROW[as Sonic]: Yeah, and my rest breaks are so short that I have to cram
all our dialogue into a single paragraph.

>
>
>"Yeah," said Sonic. "She better not do dis' no
>mo' .

MIKE: And magically, Sonic is transformed into the stereotype of a black
inner-city teenager.

> But it's a good thing we did." "Why?"

CROW: Exactly what I was thinking, except I was directing the question more
towards God.

>
>
>"To give warning about a new
>bothead." "Who is it?"asked Bunny. "He's pretty tough. He goes by the
>name of ROBOBOB,

TOM[as Sonic]: Or at least that was what the narrator said.
MIKE: Well, maybe he had "Robobob" engraved on his belt buckle or something.

>
>I think he is Robotnik's cousin,"
>said Sonic. "Nope,
>brother," said someone behind him.

CROW[as Sonic]: I'm not your brother.
TOM: How does this mysterious person know this?
MIKE: Maybe it just became a self-inclusion 'fic and that was the narrator.

>
>
>"Thanks," said Sonic. "Uh, sugar, is

CROW: Tasty!

>that ROBOBOB?" asked Bunny. "Yeah, why? YEAH??? I'm gettin' outta
>here!!!!!" said Sonic cowardly. "Follow me," said Sonic with Robobob right
>behind him.

TOM[as Robobob]: Gladly!

> "No,
>follow me," said Tails. "Sonic grab my hand I'll fly us
>outta here!" Sonic grabbed on. Then Bunny used her ears to make a
>helicopter

MIKE: After which she created a machine gun with her three left whiskers, a
grenade launcher with her toenail clippings, and a space-based missile
defense network out of an eye booger.

>
>"Amy......grab on honey," said bunny. Amy grabs on. All of them
>flew up. Tails started to get tired. He started to fall.

CROW: A shot rang out! A woman screamed!

>
>
>Bunny grabbed
>onto Tails. "GOTCHA!" said bunny. "I'm gonna take you to a secret place."
>said Bunny. Bunny flew into a secret door in a tree.

TOM: *THUD*!
MIKE: She then opened the door and tried again.

>
>
>They landed in a place
>called Deep Knothole.

ALL: <snicker>
CROW: No offense, but why are they hiding out in a gay bar?

>
>"Greetings, mate,"
>

CROW: Wow! They get straight to the point, don't they?
MIKE: Keep the rating under TV-14 or no "Hawaii Five-0" for the rest of the
week.

>
>
>said some walabee. "Hey,
>Jocko,"said Bunny.

TOM[singing]: Jock-*o*!

>
>"Give these guys a tour of Deep
>Knothole."

TOM[giggle]: That's an interesting euphemism...
CROW[as Bunnie]: Make 'em *squeeeeeal*!
MIKE: *Ahem*!

>
>
>"Righty-o
>mate."

TOM[as Sonic]: Sh! Not in front of the kids!
CROW: Yeah, Tails hasn't had "the talk" yet.

> said Jocko. "I'll be in the salad
>bar. That helicopter thing made
>me pretty tired," said Bunny.
>
>
> "O.K. mate,

CROW: Behind the scenes of the Playboy Channel!
MIKE: You're pushing the envelope there, Crow...

>
>let's get started with this tour,"said Jocko.
>"What's wit' da'
>mate thing?" asked Sonic.

TOM[as Jocko]: It's essential to the continued evolution of life and
existence of the species. It's also fun.

>
>
>"I'm from Downunda, mate. we all talk dis' way.

MIKE[as Jocko]: Except for those of us with functioning brains.

>I can cut it off if ya' want me to." "Go ahead!" said Sonic. "O.K.," said
>Jocko.

CROW: Then Jocko, not sure what Sonic was referring to, castrated our "hero".

> "We are civillized down here. We
>got stores, restraunts you name
>it."

TOM[as Jocko]: We have only the barest rudiments of written language, and
we haven't progressed past a polytheistic religion, but we've got all the
Electronics Boutiques and Sbarros that you would ever need!

> "You got a chili dog stand?" said Sonic "Sure do.
>Go right till' ya'
>come to Yolk Street then go left till' ya' come to Leapfrog Lane.

MIKE[as Jocko]: Then head down Amniotic Fluid Boulevard until you get to
Newt Alley.

>
>
>It
>should be on ya' right. It's called Loui's Chili Dogs." "Already there,"
>said Sonic.

TOM: Loui's Chili Dogs?
MIKE: Yes, because everyone knows the best chili dogs are made by the French.

>
>
> Meanwhile, above ground Robobob decides to come in. BOOM!!! He
>landed on
>his feet.

CROW: ...picking up the shards of his life after his failed marriage to the
hologram lady on Mission Genesis.

> "Well, well,
>well, ain't dis' sweet a whole community to
>roboticize," said Robobob.

MIKE: A whole *community*? This is one *awfully* large tree...

>
>
>"Ya won't be gettin' close," said Jocko.
>"Cause' we are the Freedom Fighters of Deep Knothole," said Jocko.

TOM: "I like being redundant," said Jocko. "It is fun," said Jocko.

>"Fighters, ATTACK!!!" About a zillion soldiers come out to fight.

MIKE: Pour the boiling sap on them!
CROW: Pelt them with worms and grubs!
TOM: Poke them with pointy twigs!

>
>
>Sonic
>was at the chili dog stand stuffin' his face with chili dogs with pepper,
>relish, mustard, and jalapenoes.

MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero.

>
>
>"So Loui are you a Freedom Fighter?"

TOM[as Loui w/French accent]: Oui.

>asked Sonic. "Sure am, mate."

CROW[as Sonic]: Sorry, I'm engaged.

>
>
>said Loui. "What speicies are you, anyway?"

TOM[as Loui w/French accent]: Quebecois! And zoon we shall leave Canada and
speet on zee Eengleesh!

>"Koala, mate.

CROW[as Sonic]: Didn't you hear me before? I'm engaged.

>
>Uh-Oh, mate!

CROW[as Sonic]: Look man, I'm just not that way.
MIKE: Crow... it really is getting a tad stale.

>
>
>There's trouble down in the main," said Loui.
>Let's get down there, mate!"

TOM[as Loui w/French accent[: The queeker we're there, the queeker we can
zoorender!

>
>
> The soldiers were fighting Robobob. Though Robobob put up an
>impressive
>fight, injuring many soldiers he still lost the battle.

MIKE: How hideously, terrifyingly Ratliffian.
TOM: Nah, there are too many correctly spelled words.

>
>
>"OUCH,YOWW,
>ooh.....quite impressive. I am going to be back with newer and better
>moves don't you worry." "Yeah, sure ya will and we'll be waitin', mate,"
>said Jocko.

TOM[as Robobob]: Sorry, I'm married and I'm straight and I've got a
headache and a venereal disease and I'm a clergyman.

>
>
> The End

ALL: 'Ray!

> (For Now.)

ALL: Doh!
CROW: It's cruel to play with people's hopes like that!

>
>BY: David Pridemore Age:10

TOM: FOR NOW!
MIKE: This is the kind of youthful idealism and innocence that makes me
want to have a vasectomy.

>
>
>...............gprid...@kih.net

TOM: Comments can be sent to gprid...@kih.net. FOR NOW!

>

TOM: A blank space. FOR-
MIKE[picking up Tom]: That's enough, Tom
CROW[as they leave]: Dedicated to the Freedom Fighters of Deep Knothole.
Keep reaching for that rainbow!

[1...2...3...4...5...6...SoL. The whole crew is gathered there, including
Gypsy. Crow is standing next to an easel on which there is a covered
picture.]

MIKE: Well then, now that we've been traumatized for today, any thoughts on
todays fanfic?
TOM: Well Mike, I think that since young David will grow up to be one of
the Leaders of Tomorrow, I think that we should immediately execute him
before his damaged mental state manifests itself in an age of hellish
warfare.
MIKE: Don't be so harsh. I see a bright future ahead of him at Radford VA,
where under Ratliff's tutelage, he shall learn to misspell so many words in
his fanfic as to make it utterly incomprehensible and therefore harmless.
TOM: But that's six years from now. Wouldn't Ratliff have been kicked out,
or possibly somehow graduated?
MIKE: I'm betting that he'll become janitor there.
GYPSY: From what Crow told me, I thought that it was a story of the courage
of the Deep Knothole Freedom Fighters. Despite the insults and hatred of
the world, they are brave enough to assemble a large standing army and hide
out in a tree, waiting for the annoying relatives of Robotnik to surface
and to make empty threats! Stand tall, my anthropomorphic friends, and
never let the man get you down!
MIKE: Well... viewed in that light, it's a pretty good story.
GYPSY: Its only flaw was the absence of Richard Basehart.
MIKE: Ah. Very nice. <rolls eyes>Well, Crow, what 's your interpretation?
CROW: Conspiracy, coup, and conniving!
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: This seemingly innocent little tale is in fact one of mysterious
intrigue and sinister agendas! For it is obvious to me that the
ostentensibly estranged brother of Robotnik is none other than...

[With a flourish, Crow reveals the picture of-]

MIKE[surprised]: *Antoine*?!
CROW: Yes! From the very first day he entered the court of Acorn, he had
built up an appearance of bumbling aristocracy to hide the ugly truth. When
his subtle plans were thwarted by Robotnik's attack, he entered the Freedom
Fighters and insinuated himself into the group in the same way. After the
liberation of Mobius, he returned to his position in court, now with
increased influence due to his ex-rebel status. Now Acorn is merely a
puppet to Antopine's totalitarian hunger!
TOM: Uh huh. And what evidence do you have to support this?
CROW: My God, Tom! His agents got to you too!
MIKE: <sighs> Well, what do you think, ma'am?

[Castle. Pearl is on the phone. Observer is standing by hopefully.]

PEARL: Hello? I'd like to speak to the Secretary-General, please.
VOICE ON PHONE: Hi, Secretary-General of the UN here.
PEARL: Hello, sir. This is Pearl Forrester here, and I'm just calling to
tell you about my massive stockpile of nuclear weapons.
VOICE: That's nice. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be back to my bath.
PEARL: Did you hear me right? A *massive* stockpile.
VOICE: That's very nice, but-
PEARL: I mean, we could open up a big can of nuclear holocaust. We could
take out a-
VOICE: Well, I'm sorry, but we really don't care.
PEARL: Huh?
VOICE: Nuclear apocalypse is like *sooo* 1990. What we're scared of now is
genetically engineered superviruses.
PEARL: Well... I've got a pretty nasty case of bronchitis. <fake coughing>I
could cough on you.
VOICE: Could you bottle it, drop it onto a major metropolitan area, and
kill millions of innocent people?
PEARL[timid]: ...no...
VOICE: Well then, you come back and call Uncle Secretary-General when
you've got something really deadly. Bye! <click, dial tone>

[Pearl stands there sadly.]

OBSERVER: What? Am I Vice-Emperor of the World now?
PEARL[sadly]: Nope. We're obsolete.
OBSERVER[sadly]: Oh, pootertoots!

[Bobo wanders into the shot sawing on a grenade that has a radiation sign
on it.]

BOBO: Could one of you give me a hand with this pineapple?

[Pearl and Observer turn to look and then run for their lives.]

BOBO: I'm not even sure if the furshlugginer thing is ripe. It keeps making
this ticking noise. <puts ear up to side of grenade. Ticking grows louder,
until->
_________________________________________________________________________
(BOOM!)
\ | /
\ | /
-- 0--
/ | \
/ | \
MST3K is the property of Best Brains Inc. No copyright laws were harmed in
the MiSTing of this fanfic (I hope). No offense is meant to the MiSTed
author. No offense is meant to minorities, either, and if anyone comes
across anything that hurts them, rest assured that I am just an ignorant
idiot, instead of a bigoted idiot.
Send compliments/complaints/death threats to dcu...@utk.edu.

>
>"Give these guys a tour of Deep
>Knothole."