Pat Buchanan MSTed
Rick Thorne
candidate for Prez" column. Thanx to all who encouraged and commented on
this, 'specially T-Bone and Christine Malcom for their excellent
suggestions.
Rick
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[SOL movie theater - Pat Buchanan sitting down to read his announcement,
as posted in his column]
Friends this is my last column. In it I would like to explain, to editors
and readers, why I'm leaving, giving up a podium I cherish and a vocation
I love.
TOM: Iąve finally saved up enough scratch for that sex change, and the other
folks in the office are making fun of my pink Chanel typewriter cozy.
Stated simply, I am preparing to run for president.
CROW: Of the eighth grade camera club...
Why?
TOM: ... don't they look?
Because America is drifting on a course that unaltered, will prove fatal
to our beloved republic.
MIKE: Yes, America, our collective foot fetish is tearing the heart and soul
out of our country.
And because the ideas advanced in this column can, I believe, cure much of
what affects America: her fiscal crisis, her social crisis, and, yes, her
moral crisis.
CROW: Itąs true, yąknow; xenophobic jingoism IS the universal answer to any
question.
Now, I realize my brother pundits have already winnowed the field to the
two or three who can win. They endure in the tradition of their columnist
forebears who first assured us Barry Goldwater could never be nominated,
Richard Nixon could not win, and Ronald Reagan was washed up after 1976.
MIKE: Good point, Pat - Goldwater WAS nominated, and he DID only loose the
Ś64 election by a few million votes.
As for the blather about "needing $44 Million to win ' or "$25 Million to
sit down at the table"...
TOM: AND needing $2.99 for that DC Dennyąs Grand Slam breakfast...
that is Beltway bluster--from the usual all-hat-and-no-cattle crowd. It is
a bluff, to intimidate those who think politics is about money, not ideas.
But the history of our movement--the rout of Rockefeller, the triumph of
Reaganism--refutes them.
CROW: Gee, another good point Pat - God knows Reagan was NEVER beholding
to wealthy constituents.
I can win because it is clear to the point of transparency that the ideas
of the Buchanan Campaign of 1992 took root in America. Indeed.
TOM: Patrick J. Buchanan: Cellophane Man of the People
MIKE: You have been lucidity itself, sir.
They may now even be heard raucously championed in the well of a
Republican House.
CROW: Every time they flush.
Our campaign may have lost, but our cause triumphed. The giant explosive
protests against the North American Free Trade Agreement, the General
Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, and the peso bailout have shown how far
the US. Establishment is detached from Middle America. No one wants their
New World Order.
MIKE: True! We want Old World Anarchy! Where do I sign up, Pat?
Americans want their country's sovereignty restored and her independence
reasserted.
TOM: We can be independent, with a little help from Europe and the Pacific
Rim.
They want America's borders defended from an invasion of illegal
aliens--with moral authority, and with the National Guard if need be.
MIKE: Yeah, those shiftless low-lifes, armed with horned toads and prickly
pears, coming to steal our covetted fruit packing jobs! Mount up and ride to
the sound of the guns!
They want to end foreign aid, outlaw racial quotas, roll back federal
taxes, and restore their rightful powers to the states.
TOM: We want to stop Muskieąs presidential bid at all cost!
CROW: Actually, if he can stop Dr. Katz from wabbling, he's got MY vote...
Sensing, rightly, that America's culture is under attack from within, they
are looking for a leadership that will cease appeasing those who despise
America's past, assault her monuments, trash her history, and mock our
traditions and beliefs.
CROW: Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.
There is a war on for the hearts and minds of our children, and, as
someone said in Houston three summers ago, it is a war for the soul of
America, and it will not end in a brokered peace.
MIKE: Wasnąt that Hakeem Olajuwan? No, no, it was Charlie Daniels.
CROW: No, Mike, Charlieąs from Austin.
These are the ideas driving the new Republicans and many of the back-benchers.
TOM: The back-benchers? Is this the Adder Party?
But our hierarchy remains New World Order all the way. While all four
senators seeking the GOP nomination now genuflect to the ideas that
triumphed in 1994, their records do no testify to any great intensity or
longevity of belief.
CROW: Yeah Pat - throw the bums out! Political columnists and millionaire
publishers are much more qualified to carry the banner!
All four voted for the unfunded mandates of the Clean Air Act and the
Americans With Disabilities Act.
MIKE: Those evil, sedicious fools, voting for oxygen and wide parking spaces
are tearing the soul out of America - to the guns, gentlemen!
All voted for the quota bill of '91. All went along with the abandonment
of George Bush's "No New Taxes" pledge, the decision that destroyed the
Reagan coalition. When "Big Government Conservatism" was cool, they were
all Big Government conservatives.
TOM: I was extremist before extremist was cool.
All vote routinely for foreign aid. All voted for NAFTA, GATT and the
World Trade Organization. None stood up to fight President Clinton's $50
billion peso bailout of the Wall Street cronies of Robert Rubin.
CROW: Wall Street uses pesos now?
All have gone AWOL in the cultural war. All are waffling on life.
MIKE: All are living on waffles.
But a candidate who turns away from the silent screams of the unborn, to
get elected, will turn his back on us, after he's elected.
TOM: GREAT! We can put "Kick Me" signs on the President's back!.
Make no mistake: A Republican victory in 1996 is the only way the present
regime will be ousted. And any Republican president, especially with Sen.
Jesse Helms and the younger senators and House members on his case, will
be a dramatic improvement for America.
MIKE: SIGN ME UP! I canąt wait to join a revolution full of political
opportunists lead by a 92 year old curmudgeon.
TOM: Me too! Let's see if Burgess Meredith will join us!
But there are two Republican parties today.
CROW: (singing) Torn between two parties, feeliną like a fool...
The elder party has bought into the myth of Economic Man.
TOM: Ignoring the truth of Neanderthal Man.
It believes economics drives the world, politics is about economics, and
money drives politics. It looks on "social issues" as "wedge issues,"
useful tools to pry conservative Democrats from their party base at
election time, then to be tossed back in the tool chest.
MIKE: I keep my social issues tool right next to the circular saw.
TOM: Oh yeah, Mike, can I borrow your social issues tool?
MIKE: No Tom, you never returned the economic issues tool you borrowed.
TOM: Sorr-ry.
The new Republicans sense the struggle is broader and deeper. They are not
only agency-busters and tax cutters, but Second and 10th Amendment men and
women.
MIKE: Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing a 7th Amendment violation right
about now..
CROW: Anyone for 7th _Commandment_ violation?
TOM: I'm game, but not with you...
They want to engage the Left on every front; to defund it;
TOM: ... to deflower it...
to drive it back into the redoubts whence it emerged decades ago. They
want to return to their places of honor the Republican beliefs, cultural
norms and moral values they were raised with. These are the conservatives
of the heart.
MIKE: ... and the surrealists of the mind.
CROW: Is his name Buch-anan or PUKE-cannon?
TOM: Heh heh heh!
If I don't run, the older party wins, by default. And we may go through
again what we have been through before.
CROW: A sequel to Curly Sue? Noooooo!
So that's why I'm about to run. Want to enlist? Just give our campaign
office a call. So long, and thanks for listening.
CROW: 1-800 4 PHOBIA
MIKE: Letąs get outa here guys...
[to SOL studio - Mike & bots dressed in Barbershop Quartet garb]
TOM: You know, I think folks oughta know what this Buchanan guy is all about.
MIKE: Good idea, Tom - Hit it!
CROW: Ready guys? [piano intro - sing to the tune of łMy Favorite Things˛]
Flat taxes, sealed borders, Democrat carviną
Bio class taught without a hint of Charles Darwin
Planned Parenthood clinics on fire while we sing
These are a few of Patąs favorite things...
Children playing with Christian-theme Legos
Wives in the kitchen all barefoot and prego
Ideology from the Right Wing
These are a few of Patąs favorite things...
When the classrooms donąt teach Noah,
It sure makes Pat mad
He thinks of a few of his favorite things
And then he wonąt feel so bad
Whitewater scandals and cold jingoism
Crazed oligrarchies and a deep party schism
Bill and Hillary tied up with a string
These are a few a Patąs favorite things
MIKE: What do ya think, sirs?
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--
? Rick Thorne ? "I'm quite illiterate, ?
? software engineer by day ? but I read a lot" ?
? harried father of two by night ? J. D. Salinger ?
? thorn...@lmsc.lockheed.com ? ?
Roger M. Wilcox
Rick Thorne <thorn...@mlstrmac.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com> wrote:
>
>All have gone AWOL in the cultural war. All are waffling on life.
>
> MIKE: All are living on waffles.
WAFFLES!!!!
>The new Republicans sense the struggle is broader and deeper. They are not
>only agency-busters and tax cutters, but Second and 10th Amendment men and
>women.
>
> MIKE: Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing a 7th Amendment violation right
> about now..
The right to a trial by jury in a lawsuit?
--
rog...@robadome.com (Roger M. Wilcox) - AKA - tra...@zoom.com (Jeff Boeing)
-------------+---- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low -------------------
MSTie #38808 | Quick-N-Dirty Aviation
I'm Sodium! | "Trading altitude for airspeed since 1992"
aaron nielsenshultz
thorn...@mlstrmac.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Rick Thorne) wrote:
> Here's my arrogant attempt at a MSTing of Pat Buchanan making his "I'm a
> candidate for Prez" column. Thanx to all who encouraged and commented on
> this, 'specially T-Bone and Christine Malcom for their excellent
> suggestions.
Oh, hooray! I was rotflmao for almost the whole piece. What would we do
without the bots (and smart people to imitate them)? Thanks.
aaron
--
Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,
Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend
More than cool reason ever comprehends.
-William Shakespeare