MSTed: Mission Control

[Jeffrey 'Alan' McRae]

Here's my first lame attempt at MSTing an article. This has actually
been sitting around on my account for over a year now. I worked on it
intermittently between graduating from college and all that other fun
stuff.

I saved this little piece of doo from the X-Files 'creative' newsgroup.
It's one of those great relationship stories in which nothing really
happens. I haven't seen anyone else MST this, and I can't imagine why,
it really is that bad.

I'd appreciate any feedback. I do have one other MSTing that I did
well over a year ago and it's just been sitting on my account. The
humor in that other one is slightly, umm, 'darker' than this one.
There's a few riffs in this that still crack me up, after writing them
over a year ago.

Enjoy!

[Title Sequence]

[SoL - Joel and the Bots are sitting around going through a box of old
video tapes.]

JOEL: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson
and me and the bots were just going through and old box of tapes that we
talked TV's Frank into picking up for us at a garage sale.

CROW: You know Joel, there's some weird stuff in this box. I've never
heard of some of these movies.

TOM: The eerie thing is that there are so many different cuts made of
different movies. Take for example this one, this is the Assistant
Producer's cut of Joe Vs The Volcano. The box says it contains 45 extra
minutes of lost footage.

CROW: Yeah, and right here is the Gaffer's cut of Home Alone 2.

JOEL: It is kind of spooky, but sometimes a different cut of a movie
can make it even better. Take for example this one... The Best Boy's cut
of Rocky 4.

[Mad's light flashes]

JOEL: I mean, what could be worse than the regular cut of Rocky 4. Oh,
Siskel and Ebert are calling.

[D13 - At this point, you can only see Frank]

FRANK: How did you like the box guys? I got it for really cheap.

[SoL]

JOEL: There's some weird movies in there, where did you get them?

[D13]

FRANK: I don't remember exactly where, but the guy who sold it said he
was representing the Harold P. Warren estate.

[Dr. Forrester walks in and shoos Frank away from the screen]

DR F: Greetings my fine feathered friends, umm, I didn't have time to
think up an invention for this weeks invention exchange, so we'll just
skip over me and go to yours. What do we say that you do 2 inventions
for next time to make up for it?

FRANK [offscreen]: Are you gonna tell them that you didn't do it because
there was a Baywatch Nights marathon on last night?

[SoL]

JOEL: My invention this week is for anyone who watches movies, or even
music videos on TV that have certain naughty words edited out. You just
hook this little box up to your TV and it fill in the blank if the
word is muted out.

TOM: Take for example, the Nine Inch Nails video "Closer" where Trent
Reznor so lovingly declares that he'd like to &$#! me like an animal.
The box would fill in several words in the muted space.

[Joel turns on the TV to the Closer video]

TV: I want to -groom- you like an animal.

TOM: In this case, the box would also put in words such as 'feed', 'walk',
and 'pet'.

JOEL: What do you think sirs?

[D13]

DR F: Very fine kids... Your experiment this week comes from the annals of
alt.tv.x-files.creative. It's a strikingly "original" piece called
"Mission Control". The pain factor will be very high. Enjoy!

[SoL - Joel and the bots are looking back in the box and the Usenet Sign
lights start flashing]

ALL: MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE - THE EXTENDED DIRECTORS CUT, NO!!!!!!!
JOEL: We've got usenet sign!!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

> Article: 1318252 of alt.tv.x-files.creative

CROW: The scary thought is that there were 1318251 posts before this.
TOM: 'nuff said...

> From: Amy Schatz <ris...@epix.net>

JOEL: Hey, isn't she the daughter of the guy who owned the brewery in
Lavern and Shirley?

> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
> Subject: NEW: MISSION CONTROL (1/1)

TOM: As opposed to OLD: Mission Control. At least this one is 'original'.

> Date: Tue, 19 Mar 96 12:56:26 PDT
> Organization: epix.net

CROW: Epix... for all your X-File's needs.

> Lines: 199

TOM: 199 lines of home-grown torture.

> Message-ID: <NEWTNews.827269...@epix.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: cnynppp50.epix.net
> Mime-Version: 1.0

JOEL: I'd hate to think that the good name of mimes all over the world
will be tarnished by this post.

> Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
> X-Newsreader: NEWTNews & Chameleon -- TCP/IP for MS Windows from NetManage

TOM [singing]: Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon...

> TIME SPAN - *I* think it takes place in the third season, but it doesn't
> really matter.

TOM: Oh come on now... it really *does* matter.

> WARNING - MULDER/SCULLY RELATIONSHIP STORY!

ALL: NO!!!!
JOEL: Dr. Forrester, you are an evil person!

> SUMMARY - Scully's just about to have a quiet Friday night watching a movie,
> when Mulder shows up. No spoilers. Rated PG.

TOM: Oh, this ought to be exciting.

> DISCLAIMER - A tiger named Elmo owns Mulder and Scully. Just making sure
> you're reading this! :D I know I always skip the disclaimers. But, I don't
> own Mulder or Scully. CC, 1013 and FOX does. Big surprise, right? Elmo got
> the copyright before me. :D

CROW: The characters of Skinner and Deep Throat are owned by a sloth
named Gary.

> MAIL - Please, please write to me! I love mail and I would love to hear any
> and all comments you might have about this little vignette. You can reach me
> at: ris...@epix.net

TOM: Ok, Dear ris...@epix.net: Bite Me!

>
> And now on with the show...

CROW [whimpering]: Hold me...

>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> MISSION CONTROL
>
> by Amy Schatz
>
>
> Finally, she had a night to relax.

TOM: She could finally watch those episodes of Baywatch that she has
been neglecting.

> They had a case,
> but she was through working on it for the day. She would
> look at it tomorrow.

JOEL [monotone voice]: She also decided she would eat breakfast tomorrow
and maybe go to the store.

> Sighing in contentment, Scully was
> just about to sit down on her couch, when she heard a soft
> knocking at her door.

CROW [muffled]: Landshark

> Grumbling, she got up, and padded

JOEL: the story?

> over to the door.
> "Who's there?" she called. She would have looked out
> the peephole if she *had* such a modern device, but
> unfortunately, her landlord was still living in the '50's.

TOM: Next week on the X-Files: The case of the mysterious time travelling
landlord.

> "Mulder," came the muted reply.
> A small smile crossed Scully's face,

CROW: Uhh, Joel, I think I see what direction this is going in, so
please, just kill me now...
JOEL: I would Crow, but death would just be a blessing for you right now.

> as she unlocked
> the door, and swung it open. "What is it, Mulder? Did a
> leprechaun run into my building?"

CROW: Oh boy, I can't wait for the X-Files - Leprechaun cross-over
stories.

> He stood there, still in his work suit, and laughed
> hollowly. "Ha ha, Scully. You really kill me sometimes."

JOEL: She should just pull out her gun and shoot him right now...
TOM: Kind of like a nifty form of poetic justice?
CROW: Yeah, keep dreaming...

> "Well, I've tried," she said, light in her eyes. "What
> do you need?"

JOEL [Mulder voice]: I was wondering if I could borrow your ABBA Gold
record, I'd really like to tape it.

> she asked, stepping aside to let him in. She
> was surprised at how happy she was to see him. It was as if
> her chest felt lighter, and she could breathe deeper.

CROW [falsetto]: Thank god for Jazzercise.

> He grinned devilishly, and said, "Well, that's a very
> open-ended question." As she walked back to her couch, he
> looked at her black leggings and light blue shirt, with just
> a few more buttons open than she would have at the office.

TOM: wakka-chikka wakka-chikka wakka-chikka

> Mulder smiled, and tried to ignore the thoughts that were
> running through his mind.

JOEL [Mulder's thought]: Should I tell Scully that I ran over her dog on the
way over?

> She sank down onto the couch and reached for her glass
> of red wine. "Really, Mulder. What is it?"

TOM [singing]: Red Red Wine...

> He chuckled. "Trying to get rid of me, Scully? I can
> see that you have big plans tonight."

JOEL [Scully voice]: I was going to sit around and watch Comedy Central
all night. I can't get enough of that Benny Hill guy.

> She looked at him, and he swore he could feel the heat
> from her eyes burning a hole in his stomach. "Funny,
> Mulder. I happen to have rented a movie."

CROW: Dana Scully: FBI Agent and loyal Blockbuster patron.

> He sat down next to her. "Ooh, really? Which one?"

CROW [Scully voice]: Oh, you probably wouldn't like it, it's just one of
those alien autopsy videos.

> She looked at him sideways. "Not *your* usual fare,
> I'm sure. It's APOLLO 13."

CROW: Oh, the "ALL CAPITALS" cut of Apollo 13?

> He smiled. "I've been meaning to see that. You know
> me and space."
> "Yeah, you try to fill it from top to bottom with
> meaningless junk."

CROW [attempting to get up and leave the theater]: Oh, the witty exchanges
are too much for me, I think I have to go to the bathroom.
JOEL [grabbing Crow and putting him back in his seat]: Good try buddy.

> His head snapped around to look at her, and he saw that
> she was grinning like a little kid. "You've got quite a
> mouth on you, haven't you?" he said, his voice light.

CROW [gruff voice]: The better to eat you with my dear.

> "So I've been told."
> He nodded, and bit down the urge to tickle her

TOM: because the thought of doing it sickened him.

> mercilessly. Looking around the apartment, he said, "Well,
> I came by to get the Maxwell report."

TOM [hush voice]: We've replaced Mulder's normal report with a Maxwell
House report. Let's see if he can tell the difference.

> Suddenly Scully wanted him to stay with her. She
> didn't know why and she didn't bother to think about it.

CROW: Apparently the author didn't either.

> She just knew that if he left, that feeling would come back
> to her chest, and she would feel terribly lonely. "Mulder,

JOEL: You know what would cure that lonely feeling in the chest?
TOM: One of those chest-bursting aliens from Alien?

> it's Friday night. Why don't you let that alone for now?
> Would you like to stay and watch the movie?"

CROW [Mulder]: I would, but I just rented a bunch of porno.

> His face took on a look of surprise, but she also saw
> that he thought she was asking out of pity. "Nah, thanks
> anyway, though. I'll just get the report and go."

JOEL: Leave now! She's like the black widow, she's just trying to
trap you and eat you!

> Scully saw that she had lost that round, so she played
> her trump card. "There's pizza coming."
> And with the next look that crossed his face, she knew
> she had won.

TOM: She avoided the urge to tell him that she ordered extra anchovies
fearing it might ruin the mood.

> * * * * *
> Mulder and Scully sat on the couch, eating pizza, and
> watched as the shuttle lifted off from Cape Kennedy. As

CROW: Of course, there's no naughty imagery here...

> they watched the launch sequence, Scully stole a glance at
> Mulder, who was entranced by the movie.
> "That's very realistic," she said, not looking at the
> screen.

TOM: Stock footage makes for real romantic dinner conversation.

> She was watching the way his jaw worked as he
> chewed his pizza, and couldn't believe her sudden desire to
> run her fingers along his jaw line.

JOEL: Not since Dawn of the Dead has there been a more erotic chewing scene.

> Her eyes traveled down
> to his open collar, and remembered that shortly after the
> pizza had arrived, Mulder had taken his tie off, loosened

CROW: the noose around his neck...

> his collar, and rolled his sleeves up. He looked like he
> did when he was hard at work in the office. She couldn't
> take her eyes off of him.
> Mulder nodded at her comment. "Some people actually
> use computers for good things..."

CROW [Mulder]: why just yesterday I saw this really funny joke on
alt.tasteless.jokes.women...

> She smiled faintly, and reached for her wine, drinking
> the rest of it.
> * * * * *
> By the time that Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon had realized

JOEL: I wonder how much different this post would be if Mulder and
Scully were being played by Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon.

> that there was a problem with the shuttle, Scully was quite
> sleepy. So, she moved closer to Mulder, who was stretched
> out,

TOM: Scully knew putting Mulder into The Rack would stretch him out.

> his feet resting on her coffee table, and lay her head
> on his shoulder. Without thinking, Mulder wrapped his arm
> around her shoulders, and looked down at her.

TOM: And he suddenly realized how morally wrong this is.
CROW: Isn't this the part of the story where Scully turns into a hideous
medusa-like creature and kills Mulder?
JOEL: We can only pray.

> She was so beautiful to him, as she stared up at him
> with sleepy eyes. Her shirt was open in such a way, that he
> could see the faintest hint of a bra and skin.

TOM: Are they implying that there are parts of Scully's body where
she doesn't have any skin?
CROW: Ick...

> He began to
> rub her back slowly, and forced his very un-partner-like
> feelings back under the surface. Pulling her a little
> closer,

ALL: NO!!!!

> he then forced his gaze back to the television.

CROW: Phew! That was a close one...

> * * * * *
> A little while later, Mulder opened his eyes, and found
> that there was nothing but snow on the TV.

TOM [singing]: Informer...

> He must have
> fallen asleep, because the last thing he remembered was that
> the shuttle had grown extremely cold, and he had pulled
> Scully closer, and...

JOEL: then she drained him like the succubus she is.

> He didn't remember anything after that. Glancing at
> the clock on the VCR, he saw that it was 12:30 am.

JOEL [Mulder voice]: Oh I see you finally figured out how to get your
VCR to stop flashing 12:00.

> Looking
> down at Scully, he also found that her arms were wrapped
> tightly around him, as his were around her. Her head was on
> his chest, and he was struck by

TOM: a giant two by four.

> how much he liked it.
> <Better get out of here before things get out of
> control, Mulder,> he told himself. "Right," he said aloud,

CROW: Fox Mulder: poster boy for schizophrenia.

> as he gently shook Scully's shoulder.

JOEL: And then her head fell off.

> "Scully," he murmured.
> "Scully, time to wake up."

CROW: Come on honey, it's time for school. Don't forget your lunch.

> She moaned, and her hand fitfully grabbed his shirt,
> then let it go.

TOM: Oh no! She's having a seizure.
CROW: Quick, put a spoon in her mouth!

> He tried again. He didn't want to just leave, because
> she might wake up and worry about where he had gone and if
> he was okay. "Scully, come on, wake up," he said, as he
> gently stroked her cheek.

JOEL: I don't think we should be reading this...

> At this gesture, her eyes slowly opened,

TOM: Ack! Nosferatu has awoken!

> and she lazily
> smiled at him. "Hi."
> "Hi, yourself. Look, it's late and I'm going to be
> going now."

CROW [Mulder]: I have to go chase a mutant badger-creature into the
jungles of Brazil.

> At this announcement, her face took on a frustrated
> expression, but then it softened. "Okay, but first let me
> tell you a secret."
> Mulder knew that she was still half-asleep, so he
> humored her. "Okay, Scully, what is it?"

TOM: This is where she tells Mulder that she's really a guy.
JOEL: Say hello to Daniel Scully.

> However, Mulder never would have guessed that Scully
> was fully awake. "Come close," she said, her voice husky.

TOM: Her voice is husky?
CROW: So her voice is like pants for larger-than-average children?

> Mulder leaned in close, and he could feel the energy
> crackling between them. If he didn't get out of there
> soon... "Well, what?"

JOEL [Scully]: If I were an alien, I'd really want to probe your anus.

> She smiled enigmatically, put her arms around his neck,
> pulled him even closer, and kissed him softly.

TOM: This is when Mulder noticed that Scully has a forked tongue.

> Mulder was so shocked that he was unable to form
> coherent thought for a few seconds. By the time his mind
> started working again, Scully had deepened the kiss,

ALL: NOOOOO!!!!
CROW: Any moment her tongue is going to pierce the back of Mulder's head.

> and he
> found himself responding, letting whatever it was between
> then take over.
> His heart started to beat faster as he felt her hand
> slip under the collar of his shirt to rest on the curve of
> his neck.

JOEL: I'm praying it's a heart attack, and not just passion.
TOM: Knowing how these things turn out, I'd put my money on passion.

> When they broke apart, both breathless, Mulder searched
> her eyes for any sign of

CROW: Sobriety?

> regret. He found none.
> "Scully..." he said, not quite sure how to start.
> Scully pushed some of her hair away from her forehead,

TOM: Clumps of her hair fell into Mulder's lap.

> and sighed. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I just had to do that."
> "Oh you did, did you?" he asked, smiling widely.
> "Couldn't control yourself, huh?"

CROW: Mulder's male ego is inflating through the roof right now.

> She smiled as well, and touched his jaw tenderly.

JOEL: And he bit her finger off.

> "Nope. Look, if you don't feel the same way, it's okay. I
> understand. You can leave, and when Monday comes, this will
> be forgotten."

TOM: We can only hope.

> His eyes widened, and when he spoke, his voice was
> softer than Scully had ever heard it. "I don't want to
> forget this, Scully."

ALL: WE DO!!!!

> She looked up at him, her eyes bright. "Good, because
> I would have made it hard for you."

TOM: Nope, no sexual innuendos here...

> Mulder chuckled, and touched her cheek. "I'm sure."
> She leaned back onto the couch, and pulled him down on
> top of her.

CROW: Joel, you know how you always say we shouldn't be exposed to this
type of material.
JOEL: Sorry buddy, if I gotta suffer through it, so do you, consider it
a learning experience.

> "Scully, are you sure?"
> She nodded. "Mulder, it's been three years. I
> couldn't be more sure."
> He smiled, and kissed her again. When they pulled
> apart this time,

TOM: Thank god there are no sound effects in this post.

> he could barely catch his breath. He had
> never guessed that she could be so passionate...and least of
> all about him. He suddenly realized that she would
> definitely give him a run for his money. Mulder looked down
> at her, and grinned lopsidedly.

TOM: This scene courtesy of Pablo Picasso.

> "What?" she asked, as she pushed that stubborn lock of
> hair away from his eyes.

CROW: That's when Scully discovers that Mulder wears a hairpiece.

> He looked like a little boy who was getting his dessert
> before his dinner. "Houston, we have a problem..."
>
>
> THE END

[...1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SoL - Joel is comforting the bots after the experiment]

TOM: You know Joel, this was really one of the absolute worst posts we've
ever had.

CROW: Yeah, it was unsuitable for our young eyes and yet you still made
us suffer through it.

JOEL: You know what they say, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

[Several lights flash, indicating an incoming call on the Hexfield View
Screen, the Screen opens up and it is Mulder]

TOM: Look everyone, it's Fox Mulder on the View Screen.

JOEL: Hi, Mr. Mulder, can we ask you one quick question... What's it
like being in all those fanfics?

MULDER: It's kinda drab. In later installments by the same author me
and Scully were documented doing things such as shopping for groceries
and getting caught in a traffic jam. I've heard that later we may be
in stories about moving a piano and buying a new tropical fish.
I'm a little disturbed by your attempts to portray Agent Scully as a
raving succubus, but oh well, I gotta go, we're investigating a town in
Wisconsin that's being overrun by giant invisible toenail clippings.

[View Screen Closes]

CROW: Wow, to be an FBI agent, he has quite the life.

JOEL: Yeah, whatever Crow... Whaddaya think, Sirs?

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Questions/Comments/Concerns?
jmc...@oswego.oswego.edu
-jeff