MiSTed: Let There Be Angst! (4a/4)
pmi...@asid.org
MiSTed: Let There Be Angst! (4a/4)
By Peter Milan
A somewhat more relaxed segment, but it still stings. And I'm
really starting to hate My Deja News...
>
>
TOM: Great. Maybe this time we'll watch Skinner slowly draw a
razor blade over his tongue.
>I did not write this.
MIKE: Well, what did you write? Show us! Really! We want to know!
> I am forwarding this to xff on behalf of the
>author with their permission. This work was originally run on
>the EMXC mailing list and all feedback and comments should
>be directed to the author at: wagn...@mindspring.com
TOM: Let's send him some Syd Field books.
>
>SciNut(O'tay!)
CROW: O'tay? No way.
>host EMXC
>
>To join the EMXC mailing list send an email to EM...@aol.com.
CROW: And you too can be subjected to more fanfic like this!
>
>==============================================
>----------------------------------------------------------------
>Lee Ann is posting this story for her husband, Steven.
>Please forward to XFF, ATXC, and Gossamer.
CROW: Can this marriage be saved?
TOM: Should it?
MIKE: Hey, be nice. At least he didn't write that last
piece of dreck.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------
>The Gothic Dream
TOM: Oh, NO! Gene Loves Jezebel is gonna be in this!
CROW: Or Morrissey!
MIKE: Or Anne Rice!
>or
>One Too Many Pieces of Garbage Pizza
CROW: Hey, Steven, you're calling someone else's work garbage?
What are the heating bills like in that glass house?
MIKE: He's talking about pizza, Crow...
TOM: As long as he doesn't have Mulder and Scully killing
themselves, he's okay by me.
>
>Steven M. Wagner
>wagn...@mindspring.com
>
>Finished: 14 March 1997
TOM: Just in time to print it up and read it to the boys at O'Malley's.
MIKE: Sure an' begorrah...
>
>Summary:
>Lord Fox Mulder saves the damsel from the Evil Lord Alex Krychk.
[ALL read that over a couple of times.]
MIKE: ...WOW. Uh...I don't think we'll be bored this time
around, fellas.
CROW: I'm scared, Mike.
>DISCLAIMER: This is a fiction story based on the characters
>created by Chris Carter. No infringement of copyrights held by
>10/13 Productions, Twentieth Century Productions, or Fox
>Broadcasting is intended. All unrecognised characters and plot-
>lines belong to me. Names, characters, and places exist solely
>within my imagination, or are used fictitiously. No connection
>to any person, living or dead, is intended, and any resemblance
>is entirely coincidental. Feel free to distribute, but please
>keep me as the author.
TOM: "The Gothic Dream" is filmed live before a studio audience!
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The Gothic Dream
>or
>One Too Many Pieces of Garbage Pizza
>
>A Short Melodrama by
>Steve Wagner
>wagn...@mindspring.com
MIKE: Well, at least it's short...
>She ran, the wind pulling at her diaphanous white gown.
TOM: Saaaay!
CROW: This is already better than the others!
> It was
>as if the devil himself was chasing her through the moors sur-
[MIKE and CROW look at TOM expectantly.]
TOM: I'm not saying it again!
>rounding her father's estate. She stopped for a second, leaning
>against a rock, her creamy white bosom heaving with each panted
>breath.
CROW: Mmmmm...that's what I like to see.
> Pushing her auburn hair back behind one ear, she lis-
>tened for the sounds of any pursuit.
MIKE: COUNSELOR! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!
>
>Suddenly the sound of hooves echoed louder than the thunder of
>the storms approaching from the north.
ALL: [sing] Ghost Riders In The Sky!
> She started running
>again, hoping the rider would not know the ancient moors as well
[MIKE and CROW turn to TOM again.]
TOM: I'M NOT SAYING IT!
MIKE: But you do the burr just right!
>as she. But when she cried out, falling over a rock in her path,
>she knew that all was lost.
MIKE: Much like the plot.
CROW: [falsetto] Well, I've tripped. Time to die.
>And lost she was, for within a moment, a man she despised more
>than the devil himself dismounted and strode over to her.
TOM: [falsetto] The director of "The Turning"! YOU BASTARD!
>"Get away from me, Lord Alexander. I want no part of you,"
CROW: You wanna see what I bring to the party?
TOM: Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed.
> she cried
>out, trying to get back on her feet.
MIKE: Yeah, if I could just crash here for a few days, I've got an
unemployment check coming...
>"You are mine," Lord Alexander Krycek told her. "By the time the
>sun rises, you will either agree to become my wife or no man will
>want you."
ALL: HEY!!
CROW: Where's Dudley Do-Right when you need him?
>"Oh me, what can I do," she wailed, trying to get back up, trying
>to run away from him. "You cad, you don't want me, you only want
>my inheritance."
TOM: So my feminist role model is reduced to a whiny damsel in
distress. Thanks, fanfic.
MIKE: On the other hand, nobody's ingested massive amounts of
curare, so we're still ahead on this one.
CROW: Did she actually just say "You cad?"
>"You are right, milady. Though you are a pleasurable bonus, I
>have run up a great debt in the gambling halls of London, and my
>creditors are hounding me, demanding payment. Once I have you, I
>can use your money to pay them off and return to the tables."
MIKE: And then...AMWAY!
>"No, never," she cried out. Death would be better then this
>man's arms.
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
TOM: We've SEEN it!
MIKE: You know, guys, this is a _Goth_ fanfic...
>Neither had noticed the storm's swift approach, now almost on top
>of them in the dark. The flash of lightning and the boom of the
>thunder startled her.
CROW: My name is Wally West...I'm the fastest man alive.
>"I would rather die then lie in your arms, you scoundrel."
TOM: Scoundrel. I like that.
>"I plan nothing so final. When we return to your father's es-
>tate, your guardian will be overjoyed that you will soon be wed."
MIKE: So help me, if it turns out to be Skinner, Prince of Wales...
>She brushed the auburn tresses out of her eyes and tried to stop
>her heart from bursting in her chest.
CROW: And failed miserably, blood spraying all over Krycek's
face.
>"And my dear," the familiar term sounding like a curse from his
>lips. "Once we have wed and I have gotten you with child, I will
>return to London and other interests."
TOM: Like fox hunts! And dog shows! And...dare I say it?
ANTIQUING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
>"Never," she cried out, finally getting to her feet. Just in
>time for Lord Alexander to take her into his arms. "Unhand me,
>you rake," she called out, ineffectually pounding at his chest.
TOM: [falsetto] Release me, you garden weasel!
MIKE: [falsetto] Don't touch me, you entrenching tool!
CROW: [bass] Stop struggling, you hoe!
>"You are mine," Lord Alexander boasted into the night.
CROW: [dumb voice] And I will hug you and squeeze you and pet you
and love you and call you George.
>Oh my God, what will I do, she thought, struggling to escape.
MIKE: [sings] Hey, hey, what can I do...
>So intent on the struggle, neither heard the approach of the mighty
>black stallion and his rider.
TOM: [Scottish] Do ye see the beast? Have ye got it in yer sights?
CROW: It's Kelly Reno to the rescue!
>"Is force the only way you know to get a wife, Lord Alexander,"
>was heard as the rider vaulted from his horse.
MIKE: Well, there's also lies, flattery, and expensive jewelry...
>"Ah, Lord Fox," the words dripping like poison from Lord Krycek's
>tongue.
CROW: Hey, ratboy, say it, don't spray it.
>"I thought your taste ran more to jaded harlots, then unwilling
>innocent young orphans who have no one to protect their virtue,"
>Lord Fox Mulder said.
TOM: Why not split the difference at jaded young harlots?
CROW: You mean Christina Ricci?
TOM & MIKE: HEY!
>"Well, you know, the pickings are a bit slim this time of year.
MIKE: Yep, twister took the jaded young harlot crop...
>Anyway, you may congratulate me. The lady has agreed to become
>my wife."
TOM: My wife...Morgan Fairchild! Yeah, that's it!
>Lord Fox burst out laughing at that. "I want to hear it from the
>lady. I've heard your stories before."
MIKE: Especially that one about the three blondes? That one's a HOOT!
>"No, Lord Fox, I never agreed to marry him. He is only
>interested in my money, not me," she cried out.
CROW: [falsetto] I want him to love me for my mind!
>"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I thought you would have learned better at the
>Czar's court."
TOM: What the hell does William Bennett have to do with any of this?
CROW: No, no, not the drug Czar...he means Moriarty, the Czar of crime.
MIKE: He was the _Napoleon_ of crime!
> Turning suddenly serious in tone, "Release her or
>answer to me," Lord Fox told him.
MIKE: What was the middle thing?
>"Never," he spat.
>
>Pulling the saber that he had borne with honor at Waterloo for
>his King and Country, Lord Fox said but two words,
ALL: "Bite me."
> "En Garde."
MIKE: That too.
>A cruel smile covered Lord Alexander's lips as he released his
>unwilling betrothed and pulled out his sword. If there was
>anything he loved more then taking a woman-child, it was a duel.
CROW: When he wasn't doing that, he liked pudding!
TOM: Buuuuuuutterscotch!
>The fight started, neither man giving ground, the chatter of
>metal against metal a counterpoint to the rumblings of the storm
>around them. Once, Krycek knocked the sword from the hero's
>hands, but Mulder gave a quick jump and retrieved the ancient
>blade.
TOM: Gee whiz. This is exciting.
CROW: Yeah, you know, the way they...you know...don't give ground...
MIKE: Almost better that that scene in "Young Sherlock Holmes."
>As the auburn haired girl was about to give up hope that she was
>to be rescued, fate stepped in.
CROW: Chow Yun-Fate, to be exact. He sprayed Krycek with bullets...
TOM: We wish.
> Krycek slipped on a patch of wet
>clay and Mulder's sword sliced open his belly.
TOM: So the villain is killed because he's a klutz. Again, thank
you, fanfic, thank you so.
MIKE: But, again, no one has leapt in front of a speeding bus...
> As the wounded
>man dropped to his knees, watching his life's blood run through
>his fingers into the ground,
CROW: He milked it for all it was worth and hammed it up to
beat the band!
> Mulder towered above him and cried
>out, "There can be only one," and swung his sword, delivering the
>coup de grace.
ALL: WHAAAAT?!
CROW: Hello! My name is Fox Mulder! You killed my father! Prepare
to die!
TOM: Callbacker.
>
>A bolt of lighting struck near them, the clap of the thunder
>echoing, as the horrified girl crumpled to the ground in a swoon.
CROW: [falsetto] Oh, with all this excitement, I think I've
come down with a case of the vapors!
TOM: Is there any chance Catherine MacKinnon's going to destroy
this fanfic?
>She woke to find herself in Lord Fox Mulder's tender embrace, his
>great coat wrapped around her.
TOM: That coat's not so great.
> "You are safe now, the cad will
>never bother you or any other woman again," he assured her as he
>swept her up into his arms.
MIKE: And that was the end of Krycek, the man who stole my land,
killed my paw, raped my sister, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!
>She saw a smile warm his hazel eyes as he slowly lowered his head
>to claim a hero's kiss. As their lips met . . .
MIKE: Suddenly a flying saucer showed up and destroyed them. The end.
CROW: I still don't see how Marilyn Manson figures into this...
>
> * * *
>
>Jackie St George woke up screaming in bed, her auburn hair in
>disarray. Pushing it back from her face, she released her
>breath. "That's the worse nightmare I've had in a long time.
>This is the absolute last time I'll let Mulder order the pizza."
CROW: Who?
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: There was no fanfic. Dana Scully was found alive, well, and
of normal size...
>
> The End
> (Or is it?)
>
MIKE: Oh, say it is...
>------------------------------
ALL: D'OH!
>Date: Fri, 13 Feb 1998 14:30:34 -0500
MIKE: The unluckiest fanfic of all!
>From: "Sphinx" <PE...@nyack.edu>
CROW: This fanfic is unknowable and mysterious, like the face
on Mars. Or Dom DeLuise's children.
>Subject: Mulder's Prayer (1/1)
TOM: [sings] When I was Mulder's prayer...
>Post this anywhere you want. I haven't sent it anywhere. Please
>keep my name and address on it.
CROW: Do what you like! Slap me around and call me Susan!
>Title- "Mulder's Prayer"
>Author- Rebecca Peck
>E-mail- <pe...@nyack.edu>
TOM: Wow, that's one unfortunate username.
CROW: Think about how Susan Peni must feel!
MIKE: Stop that.
>Rating- G
>Spoilers- None
>Catagory- S,V <Just a short piece>
TOM: Of what?
>Disclaimer- Mulder belongs to Chris Carter, so does Samantha Mulder.
>The voices in my head told me to write this, so sue them. They have
>more money than I do.
CROW: The voices in _my_ head told me to tell you that they like the
voices in _your_ head.
TOM: [falsetto] Well, the voices in _my_ head told me to tell you
that they think the voices in _your_ head are really super-
cute! [giggles]
>
>Author's notes- I just bought the tape with Conduit on it.
CROW: Oh, wow! I thought they'd already done all the new Superman
episodes for this season...
> I was very
>touched by the end.
TOM: Oh, we could tell.
MIKE: Watch it.
> So I wondered what he was thinking and this is
>what I came up with. Hope you like it!
MIKE: X-Files! Wrote a fanfic 'bout it! Like to read it here it goes!
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>"Mulder's Prayer"
> By Rebecca Peck
>E-mail me at <pe...@nyack.edu>
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>Fox Mulder sat in the church, looking at the picture of Sam and
>himself on the beach. He had never been a religious man, yet the
>solitude a quiet of the church helped his aching heart.
TOM: Uh-oh, guys, they're in a tranquil church. Any minute now,
the triads are gonna show up for a shootout!
CROW: You know, I'm heroically resisting a Billy Ray Cyrus
ref right about now.
>The beach had been warm, and his parents had been enjoying the day
>immensely. They took quite a few pictures, just like this one of
>him. The children had run along the beach, oblivious to the tragedy
>that would affect them all.
MIKE: Oblivious to the shark fin on the horizon.
> After that night, his parents had thrown
>out all the photos, except the ones he had hidden. This one he had
>kept under his pillow. Part of him held it as a charm: as long as
>he had her image, she was fine. Nobody could hurt her while he could
>see her smile like that. No one could touch her while he held her
>image close to him.
TOM: Only Bettie Page _really_ understood him...
>He put his hand down in his lap
CROW: You know, I could make any sick reference I want, and it
still wouldn't be as dark as what we've seen today!
MIKE: Let's just let this one play out.
TOM: I hope it's not a gun...
> and looked at an old woman kneeling
CROW: Are we still letting this play out?
MIKE: Yes. In fact, let's hope he's playing with himself.
>at the altar praying. Her hands clasped
CROW: How about now?
MIKE: No.
> a rosary,
MIKE: There. Now don't you feel dirty?
CROW: Yeah, but I always feel that way. I'm a bad man, Mike.
Spank me.
> and though he
>could not make out what she was saying, he could hear the pleading in
>her voice, a pleading which echoed that in her heart. Thoughts raced
>through his head.
MIKE: And here comes the winner...
TM: [bass] BEETLEBOMB.
> He couldn't displace the self-blame he had imposed
>on himself. He couldn't allow that someone else,something unknown to
>him, had been responsible for her disappearance.
>
>He decided to try to pray, though doing so was against everything he
>knew. With all he had seen, how could he still believe in God? Yet
>something inside pulled him to his knees with the picture again
>before his eyes.
>
><God,> he began before he could chicken out, <I don't pretend to
>understand what You're trying to do. How can You let innocent people
>die like this? So many people trust in You to protect them and keep
>them alive. And You won't, or can't. Why?
CROW: Kicks!
><Why do You lt innocent people be taken from their homes? I was just
>a boy. I tried to stop them, whoever. But You just sat by and
>watched it happen with Your all-seeing eyes.
TOM: God, the ultimate voyeur.
> I don't understand!
>You could have stopped them. I remember what those christians have
>said!
MIKE: That you would burn for all eternity unless you accepted
God's love?
> You can do anything You want to do! Why do You let these
>things happen to us? We're only people!
TOM: [Bill Hicks] Because I'm a Prankster God! I am _killing_ Me!
>He took a deep breath, then plunged on, his eyes fixed on Sam's face.
> <And how could You keep her away from me?
MIKE: Hey, it's only 500 feet according to the restraining order...
> Lord, I waned her back,
>and my parents were torn apart by this. How can You sit back and not
>do anything???>
CROW: Easy. I'm trying to beat Tomb Raider II.
>He stopped, his heart racing and his lungs rapidly searching for air,
>even though his prayer had been internal. The anger he felt toward
>God was slowly dissipating. He felt a peace come over his heart,
MIKE: As a massive embolism worked its way up to his brain.
TOM: And that's _still_ not as dark as what we've seen today!
>though from where he could not say. He thought about the voice he
>heard, the one telling him she would not be harmed.
>
><God, please bring her back soon. I miss her.>
CROW: [dumb voice] Brink her back so we can start a farm and live off
the fatta tha lan'!
>He rose slowly, the lady at the altar now quiet. He walked to the
>aisle, and she turned to see him leave. He looked back once, and she
>gave him a watery smile through her tears. He smiled back, and
>walked out the door, ready to resume his search with a new hope in
>his heart.
>
>END
>
>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
>Just a short piece.
CROW: Of crap.
> Write me back with any comments, any words of
>wisdom. I could use them. :->
>
>------------------------------
CROW: So are you guys ready to resume riffing with new hope in your
hearts?
MIKE: Actually, I'm ready for a beer.
TOM: We gotta go...
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
[SOL. Mike is kneeling in front of the counter.]
MIKE: God...I know I haven't attended mass in a few years...well,
I _have_ been trapped in space, you gotta give me that...
but I'd still like you to hear my prayer. Why, God? Why
have you kept me trapped in space all these years? Why have
I been subjected to all these horrible movies, posts and
fanfics? Why was I forced to watch Scully put one in her
brain not once, but _twice_ today?
TOM: [offscreen--God voice] Because of what you did when you were
18, Nelson!
MIKE: ...When I was 18? You mean becoming an Eagle Scout has somehow
displeased you?
TOM: Uh...wait. I forgot. It's the thing you did when you were 21.
MIKE: You mean that when I started that recycling program at Community
College, it incurred your wrath?
TOM: [long beat] Did you ever do donuts on somebody's lawn?
MIKE: Well, yeah, there was this guy who stole my best friend's girl,
so to get back at him we TP'ed his yard and then did some--
TOM: THEN THAT IS WHY! That is why you are doooooooomed!
MIKE: Oh, Lord, how can I win my way back into your good graces?
TOM: You must give the bots PIZZA! And CANDY BARS! Especially Servo!
[CROW walks in with a sandwich.]
CROW: Hey, guys.
MIKE: Oh, hi, Crow. Hey, God just told me that I have to give you
guys pizza and candy bars to stop him venting his wrath upon me.
CROW: God?! Oh, for--SERVO! Get down here, you weird little freak!
[TOM comes in.]
TOM: [sounding innocent] Gee, guys, what are you doing? I was just in
my room organizing my bikini briefs, and nowhere the ship's PA
system.
CROW: Mike, that wasn't God. It was Servo pretending to be God.
MIKE: SERVO!!
TOM: Crow, we had him on the ropes! What's the matter with you?
CROW: Hey, sorry, but I don't believe in messing with a man's
belief system. Unless he worships L. Ron Hubbard. Or Sandy Duncan.
MIKE: You know, Servo, I've been through enough emotional upheaval
today without you pretending to be my deity.
TOM: Oh, come on. What's the worst that could happen?
[The lights start flashing.]
CROW: You had to ask.
ALL: AHHHHHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[One more. Sorry.]
Peter Milan
ti...@eyrie.org
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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Carl Burke
pmi...@asid.org wrote:
...
> >"Get away from me, Lord Alexander. I want no part of you,"
>
> CROW: You wanna see what I bring to the party?
NOOOOOOOO!!! Why, God, why???
Tick, thank you for showing us how to laugh at self-inflicted
gunshot wounds to the head, again.
--
--------------------------------------------------
Carl Burke, cbu...@mitre.org -- le nu ko batci mi kei cu zdile
My opinions are mine and mine alone, unless you
agree with them. Then I'll share.
--------------------------------------------------
"Forget fur. I'm wearing a side of veal." - JSJ1TG
--------------------------------------------------
pmi...@asid.org
In article <35254B...@mitre.org>,
Carl Burke <cbu...@mitre.org> wrote:
>
> pmi...@asid.org wrote:
> ...
> > >"Get away from me, Lord Alexander. I want no part of you,"
> >
> > CROW: You wanna see what I bring to the party?
>
>
> Tick, thank you for showing us how to laugh at self-inflicted
> gunshot wounds to the head, again.
It's because I care, Carl. It's because I need to share the love.
Pete