MiSTed: Stolen Memories (14/29)

[Rottweiler]

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Part 5 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]

> Article 278 of 418

MIKE: I'm so glad I managed to get rid of that Alistair guy.
TOM: That's fine, Mike. If you don't like the doctor we got for you,
you
can just find one yourself! (mumbling) Ungrateful sonova...

>
>
> Subject: (repost) Stolen Memories 5/9 (pre DS9)
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/09
> Message-Id: <5b1ett$p...@the-fly.zip.com.au>

MIKE: The Wizard of Message-Id.

> Organization: The Zipsters

TOM: Let's do a Zippy reference this time.

> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

CROW: (Zippy the Pinhead) Creative. Creative, creative, creative. If
you
didn't understand this joke, it's because
you're
not intellectual enough.

>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
> WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes.
> If reading about teen sex offends read no further.
> If not read on and enjoy.
>
> The Ed, Red.

MIKE: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

> ===========================================================
>
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>
> Stolen Memories :Part five

TOM: Have they checked the lost and found for their stolen memories?
Perhaps they've just been misplaced.

> Week One
> =========

CROW: Our search for the perfect bed-and-breakfast begins in earnest.

> During his first days of conscious awareness in the
> Harem Julian was thoroughly educated in the art of
> meditation.

MIKE: (Julian) Do you HAVE to call me "grasshopper"?

> His every waking hour was Alistair's while the
> big man lectured him on and showed him how to attain a
> mediative state.

TOM: (Alistair) Just listen to this Pink Floyd album.

> Julian found the lessons to be extremely
> helpful in controlling his reactions to the Harem
> environment.

CROW: And the refreshments served afterwards were an added bonus.
TOM: (Julian) Who cares about torture, degradation, and the fact that my
girlfriend forgot all about me? I got me some meditation.

> He no longer blushed as easily, or became a
> sobbing wreck at the sight of one of the fellow Harem slaves
> eyeing him in what he assumed was meant to be a seductive
> manner.

MIKE: He now excused himself to the bathroom to weep for hours.

> "Simply ignore them, otherwise they'll be encouraged to
> try something a little more physical," Alistair advised.

CROW: (Alistair) They'll dress like Olivia Newton-John.

> Julian did his best to follow that advice. But he couldn't
> help shooting looks

TOM: The innocent looks accused him of War Crimes.

> around at them to see what they were up
> to.

MIKE: One time, he caught them chasing the Rat Pack.

> He ceased doing it after one pounced him while Alistair
> was `servicing' a noble woman.

CROW: He was checking her oil and wiper fluid.

> He managed to fight the man off, and Alistair had
> returned to find him standing backed into a corner waving a
> chair around, hysterical with fear.

TOM: He thinks he's a lion tamer.
MIKE: No, he thinks he's on _Jerry Springer_.

> Instead of sympathising
> with Julian, Alistair berated him for `encouraging' the man,

TOM: (Alistair) Didn't you know that if you get raped, it's your own
fault?

> making Julian blush fiercely and wish the ground would
> swallow him up.

CROW: So he decided to call himself Korah and hold his own sacrifices.

> Once Julian learned to ignore the other men, Alistair
> not included,

MIKE: Neither are batteries.

> he discovered they left him alone, as Alistair
> had said they would.

TOM: If you ignore a problem, it will go away. Worked real well for the
United States in 1939 and 1940.

> He realised they had considered his
> wary glances to be signs of encouragement and never gave
> them another.

CROW: He spent the rest of his life pretending to be blind.

> Week Two.
> ========

MIKE: Do you know where your children are?

> Alistair began to teach Julian about the humanoid
> nervous system and the ways to use such knowledge to please
> another humanoid.

TOM: Of course, all humanoid species have identical nervous systems.

> Roping in a Fusion sensualist,

CROW: (Alistair) Yee-hah!

> Alistair
> demonstrated various pleasuring techniques Julian could use
> on the Noble women if he was called to service them.

MIKE: (Alistair) Tell them they don't look a day over 30.
TOM: (Alistair) If they ask you if they look fat, the answer is always
"No".

> At
> first Julian point black refused to consider such a
> possibility.

CROW: Then he point white, point red, and point orange refused.

> Fainting at the very mention of it.

TOM: What's with all the fainting? Is Julian's corset too tight?

> Alistair
> was quite annoyed with him for it.

MIKE: (Alistair) You're the hero, damnit. Show some backbone.

> Didn't the young man
> understand learning these lessons could mean the difference
> between

TOM: Mediocre lovemaking and bad lovemaking?

> a pleasurable interlude and another round of violent
> sexual torture by the noble woman who'd kit-napped him.

CROW: Kit-napped! Get it? It's a PUN! Oh, my sides!!!
MIKE: If someone kidnaps Julian, does that mean they're taking dope?

> Week four
> =========

TOM: The search for week three has yielded no results.

> Julian finally came to accept Alistair only had his
> best interests at heart and learned to control his fear of
> intimacy.

MIKE: Now, if only he could control his fear of Regis Philbin.

> Once he achieved this, he found the lessons to be
> extremely interesting.

CROW: (Julian) Electrodynamics is fun! Those drugs DO have a purpose.

> He would lie on his bed after
> demonstrations day-dreaming about freedom and the
> opportunity to show his Princessa

TOM: His new butt tattoo.

> the things he was learning
> about pleasing a woman.

MIKE: Like always putting the toilet seat down.

> Week Five
> =========

CROW: Meanwhile, Robert Stack is telling everyone about Julian's
mysterious
disappearance on _Unsolved Mysteries_.

> On the morning of the twenty fifth day,

TOM: (narrator, quickly) Felistians use a five day week. Have I
mentioned
that?

> Julian hovered
> between sleep and wakefulness feeling extremely content and
> highly aroused.

MIKE: Other days, he realized he was a slave, so he spent the days lying
awake in pain. We decided to concentrate on this one, instead.

> He imagined Alis' hands and lips touching
> him and surrendered to the pleasure that the hands brought
> out.

TOM: The All-State commercials the censors won't let you see.

> He didn't know Alistair's helpful sensualist was the
> one behind the sensations that drove him ever closer to the
> edge of ecstasy

CROW: And he also didn't know we'd secretly replaced his regular coffee
with Folger's crystals.

> and it wasn't until he started to cry out in
> pleasure and heard Alistair's roar of outrage that he came
> to full wakefulness.

MIKE: (Alistair) Get your little fanny out of bed and get ready for
school!

> He looked around to find the sensualist
> with his mouth around his manhood.

TOM: How did he reach his own penis?
CROW: Well, cats are supposed to be flexible.

> He wanted to scream
> remembering the agony he'd suffered the last time a man had
> touched him sexually,

MIKE: He would never forgive that old guy who worked at the youth
center.

> but his brain was so fogged by sleep
> and pleasure he didn't know whether to scream in outrage or
> ecstasy.

CROW: (Julian) Should I be angry or happy? Decisions, decisions.

> The Sensualist was turning him on in a way Alis
> never had.

MIKE: The Sensualist had hooked him up to the Clapper.

> As Alistair crossed the Harem in ground eating strides,

CROW: (strides) Oh great, mom made ground for dinner, AGAIN.
MIKE: Ground, the other white meat.

> Julian's eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a deep
> moan of ecstasy as the Sensualists activities brought forth
> the natural reaction.

TOM: Pat Buchanan's emphatic rebuke.

> Julian was so lost in the sensations
> coursing through his body, that he didn't even notice when
> Alistair pulled the Sensualist away and gave him a painful
> though, non-injurious thrashing for his actions.

CROW: Saracen pig! (smack) Russian snake! (bonk) Spanish fly! (thwap)

> Later, Julian couldn't look Alistair in the eye, till
> Alistair used the incident to make a point.

MIKE: Back to Afterschool Special mode.

> "You can't help your physical reactions to stimulation,
> Julian. When someone pushes all the right buttons for you,

TOM: (Alistair) You know you've found a good elevator operator.

> you'll stop thinking and just go with the flow.

MIKE: Yes, always give in to your primitive physical instincts.
CROW: Thinking? No time for that, my friend.
TOM: Remember, always disengage your brain before sex.

> It's the
> same with the women."

MIKE: If Julian gets anywhere NEAR their buttons, I'll be amazed.

> Julian considered those words later, in one context he
> vowed to make sure he worked out how to push all the right
> buttons of the women he was called to service,

CROW: (perfect Dr. F voice) Push their buttons, Julian.

(MIKE and TOM stare at CROW)

CROW: (Bill Corbett voice) What?

> to insure

TOM: Against fire, flood, and theft.

> they didn't hurt him. And on the other hand, it made him
> feel immeasurably better because it meant he couldn't help
> but respond to stimulation when it was centred on his
> genitals.

MIKE: Remember, kids; humans are slaves to physical stimuli.

>
> Week Six
> ========

CROW: Not allowing himself to be overcome with grief after his son's
disappearance, Julian's dad creates the television program
_America's
Most Wanted_ to help catch criminals.

> Julian lazily swam through the heated pool that made up
> the Harems bath.

TOM: (singing) Splish, splash, I was taking a bath. Going out on
Saturday
night...

> Alistair had ordered him to start swimming
> for an hour each day to tone up his muscles and add to his
> general fitness.

MIKE: It's time to bulk up! Are you pumped? Are you pumped?!?

> He didn't notice the Sensualist slip into
> the water

(CROW hums the _Jaws_ theme)

> and swim through it to his side,

TOM: I am the cat who swims by himself, and all places are alike to me.

> until he rose
> ahead of him to smile seductively at him.

MIKE: The Creature from the Black Lagoon in a role that will suprise
you.

> Julian blushed to
> the roots of his head.

CROW: So to his neck, then?

> It was the first time he'd been alone
> since *The Incident* and the first time the Sensualist had
> approached him.

TOM: Uh, what was *The Incident*?

(MIKE whispers something to TOM)

TOM: Eeeyyywwww... why didn't you just make something up?

> The Sensualist reached out a hand to caress Julian's
> ear.

MIKE: And he magically produced a quarter out of nowhere.

> The Felistian equivalent of a kiss.

CROW: So instead of kissing, the Felistians tug each others' ears?
MIKE: Yeah. On their world, _The Carol Burnett Show_ is considered
erotic.

> Julian tried to
> stay calm and explain that while he'd enjoyed the experience
> he didn't feel attracted to the Sensualist.

TOM: I mean, the sodomy was great, but they didn't have much in common
beyond that.

> He got the
> surprise of his life when the sensualist opened his mouth
> and started speaking, imitating his accent.

CROW: The Sensualist is Rich Little.

> "What does attraction matter, Julie-Anne,

MIKE: He's mistaken Julian for a girl from Alabama!

> here in this
> place ... It's not a mater of attraction

TOM: You have to sleep with someone with the same charge as you.

> it's a matter of
> experience.

CROW: Is he running for office?

> The more you have, the greater the advantage you
> have over the women you're called to service.
> "Y..you.. T..talk."

TOM: (Mr. Ed) Nice of you to notice, Wilber.

> "Of course."
> "I didn't anyone in the Harem but Alistair and I could
> talk."

CROW: (Sensualist) We can all talk, it's just that the authors don't
write
any dialogue for us.

> "My last mistress found pleasure in conversing with a
> man,

MIKE: Dick Cavett.

> she took the time to educate me in the conversational
> arts. I can also sing."

CROW: (singing) Midnight, not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost her memory?
TOM: I bet if you play the Sensualist backwards, he says "Paul is dead".

> He said then gifted Julian with a
> heart stopping smile.

MIKE: (Julian) You bring me the same gift every Christmas.

> "I have a voice that makes women melt,

CROW: He has the voice of an angel. Lucifer, to be exact.

> or that is how
> Alistair describes my signing."

TOM: He's Koko the gorilla?

> "He knows you can talk?"

MIKE: I can talk, I can talk, I can really really talk...

> "No. I never felt any desire to talk with him."

CROW: (Sensualist) He only wants to discuss lawnmowers and NFL football.

> "Why are you talking to me then?"

TOM: Uh, that's not how you imitate Joe Pesci.

> "You are young and not biased.

MIKE: (Sensualist) And I like how keen you are.

> You have tasted both
> pleasure and pain with women.

CROW: Now we're watching "Spock's Brain".

> I know you were pack raped by
> a group of pure blood Felistian males, I too suffered such a
> punishment for turning down a noblewoman who's tastes were
> not to my liking.

TOM: (Sensualist) Brussel sprouts. Yuck.

> I thought it would be in your best
> interests to teach you that you could experience pleasure
> with a man.

MIKE: Oh, he's with the North American Man-Dork Love Association.

> Just because the Dark One chooses not to seek
> pleasure with a man,

TOM: Are you trying to tell me that Batman DOESN'T "seek pleasure" with
Robin?
CROW: He said the Dark One, Servo, not the Dark Knight.

> does not mean you can not do so."
> "But..."
> "But what? Did you not enjoy it?"

MIKE: (Sensualist) Because I offer a full money-back guarantee.

> "I... enjoyed it... But I was half asleep, dreaming of
> my...

TOM: (singing) ...Sharona.

> female lover... I thought it was part of my dream...

CROW: (Julian) I was dreaming of Jeannie.

> That it was her doing to me, what you were doing." Julian
> explained.

MIKE: He dreamed that Alis was thrown into the harem? How selfish.

> "I know. That is why I chose that time to do it.

TOM: (Sensualist) Plus _The Gossip Show_ was on a commercial break.

> You
> wouldn't have all your little walls up trying to keep me
> away.

CROW: (singing) Tear down the walls...

> I wanted to show you, you could enjoy being with a
> man."

MIKE: (Sensualist) Think about it. We go bowling, play poker, never go
see
_Waiting to Exhale_...

> "I don't think..."

TOM: Julian said. Then he disappeared.

> "Don't think...

CROW: (singing) It's a dangerous passtime.
MIKE: (singing) I know...

> Let me show you how much I can please
> you, what I demonstrated then was only a fraction of the
> pleasures I can give to you." The Sensualist said.

TOM: I'd just like to point out that, while "the Sensualist" is far more
distinctive than "She", it's like naming a character "the
Hedonist".

> Julian didn't have a time to compose an answer,

MIKE: Or a symphony.

> the
> Sensualists mouth closed over his in a deep exploratory kiss
> while his arms moved to embrace and start stroking Julian's
> body.

CROW: I wonder, how does one get hired on as a Sensualist? I mean, are
there forms to fill out? Do you have to submit a resume?

(MIKE and TOM look at CROW strangely)

CROW: I'm just curious, that's all.

> Julian struggled in his embrace and pulled his mouth
> away. The Sensualist backed off and gave him a sultry look.

TOM: This scene has all the eroticism of an episode of _Meet the Press_.

> "I won't take you with force young one.

MIKE: That's a relief. I hate it when Jedis use the Force to rape
people.

> If you get
> curious, or want some company in that big bed of yours,

CROW: (Sensualist) I hear that IBM is looking to relocate.

> just
> look my way."

TOM: (Sensualist) Or if you need any drywall work done, I freelance.

> And with that the Sensualist swam away to
> climb out of the bath and leave the room.

MIKE: (Sensualist) Time for my shift at the steel mill.

> Julian trod water with his mind

CROW: He's an Observer?

> in turmoil. He was
> thoroughly confused.

TOM: (Julian) Does MCI really save over AT&T? And how does Sprint fit
in?

> The idea of taking a male lover had
> never occurred to him in the past.

MIKE: Then how do you explain all those Garak/Bashir stories?

> But now, he had to admit,
> he'd enjoyed the things the Sensualist had done to him.

CROW: Painting his toenails, for instance.

> He
> had thoroughly enjoyed the Sensualists touch.

TOM: He liked the fact that the Sensualist had touched him. He liked
the
Sensualist. The Sensualist would need a better name, but at least
he
had a nice car...
MIKE: That's enough, Tom.

> The fact that
> he'd backed off was a point in his favour.

CROW: Julian's found the only person wimpier than himself.

> If he had pushed
> his luck Julian would have fought him for all he was worth
> and probably have ended up drowning both of them in the
> process.

TOM: Now why didn't they do THAT instead? Then this might be the best
fanfic we've ever read!

> With a sigh, Julian began to strike out across the pool
> determined to wear himself

MIKE: Julian-skin coats are all the rage this fall.

> out and fall into his bed so
> exhausted that he didn't have the strength to think about
> the conflict that the Sensualists pass brought about.

CROW: The Sensualist botched it. With fourth and seven, should I have
them
punt or do a hail mary? I know, I'll stall.

(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks up TOM and ALL leave the
theater.)

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