Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.

Dismiss

MSTed: Two Spams

12 views

Skip to first unread message

Psykopath

unread,

Apr 18, 1997, 3:00:00 AM4/18/97

Okay, here it goes.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations in this MSTING.
Servo, Crow, Gypsy, Mike, SOL, Pearl, Bobo, Observer,
my sould, and the MST3K name are all property of Best Brains Inc.
Kosh, Lyta, the Shadow, Z'ha'dum, and the like are owned
by Babylonian Productions, and I mean no infringement to either of
these companies. DO NOT IMITATE MIKE'S ACTIONS AT HOME!

Mike (Voiceover): Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of
the Sattelite of Love. It's continuing mission, to...

Tom: Destroy whole civilizations!
Mike: Hey, those were accidents, okay. just drop it.
Crow: Come on, you're evil and you know it.
Tom (singing): If you're evil and you know it clap your hands. <Crow
and Gypsy join in the singing.>
Mike: Stop it, stop it, stop it! <Starts throwing knick knacks at
bots.>
Crow: Okay fine we'll stop, just don't hurl your paper weight
collection at us.
Gypsy: Yeah, have you considered therapy?
Mike: Guys, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to do it okay.
Tom: That's what to Vogons said Vader boy.
Crow: I thought the Vogons recited bad poetry.
Tom: You're thinking of yourself.
Crow: Yeah, well at least I don't write bad FANFIC poetry under an
assumed name like SOME people around here.
Mike: I only did it once! <Bots glare at him, and start backing away.>
Tom: Just calm down Mike, everything will be okay. The men in white
coats will come and you can rest on a nice planet in
the country. (To Crow and Gypsy) RUN! <They scatter>
Mike: Geez, maybe I can convince them that I was kidding. Yeah that's
it, I.. ah screw it, we have commercial sign.
<Taps light>

<INT SOL, Mike is alone.>
Magic voice: Mike, there is a call coming through for you on the hex
field.
Mike: Put it through.
<Lyta Alexander appears on the hex field.>
Lyta: Hello sir. Are you Mike Nelson?
Mike: Yes I am.
Lyta: I have been authorized by my employers to offer you a position.
Now we had to get into a kind of bidding war with the
Empire, but we won, and con offer you a very lucrative salary.
Mike: Huh?
Lyta: Well Kosh was saying to Kosh back on the homeworld the other
day, "I agree with Kosh, we should get that Mike Nelson,
Destroyer of Worlds, should go work on our planet killer."
Mike: Really I...
Lyta: They are also throwing in many perks, like surgical
modification, and an Armani Encounter Suit, plus discounts on all
the Koshmere sweaters from the company store.
Mike: Uh, okay.
Lyta: Great, I'll just shuttle on over. I'm bring...<the screen goes
to static, when Mrs F show up on screen.>

<INT VAN>
Mrs. F: I control the horizontal, I control the vertical, I control
when the movie begins or ends.

<INT SOL, Tom and Crow come back in>
Mike: how did you break in on that transmission?
Tom: She used an electronic fishing lure.

<INT VAN>
Mrs. F: Yeah right, I'm no dog. I had a little help from my
assosciates. The Shadows. And they helped me find some fun
SPAM to cause chaos in your general area. <Waves like Vir.>

<6...5...4...3...2...1>
>From jpe...@deltanet.com Thu Jan 09 14:19:39 1997
>Newsgroups: alt.business,alt.business.misc,alt.business.multi-level,
>alt.business.multi-level.scam,alt.business.multi-level.scam.scam.scam,
>alt.politics.economics,alt.politics.libertarian,
>alt.politics.libertarian.creative,

All: Whoah!
Mike: This alt.*.creative trend is getting out of hand.
Crow: What do they do there, write fanfic about a goverment that
works.
Tom: Well, it is fiction.

>alt.politics.reform,alt.politics.usa.c

Tom: #include <Bullshit.h>

>Subject: ! LEGALLY REDUCE YOUR TAXES !

Crow: Quit your job, your income tax will go way down!

>From: "Jeffrey A. Perry" <jpe...@deltanet.com>
>Date: 9 Jan 1997 19:19:39 GMT

>"My name is Kevin Small

Mike: And I'm an alcoholic.
Bots: Hi Kevin.
Tom: I thought is name was Jeffrey A. Perry.

>and my educational and professional
>background is in

Crow (As Jim Rage): Liberal arts, demolitions...

>investments, finance, and real estate
>development. I also tried my hand at multi-level marketing

Tom: But people just didn't like three story Valu-Marts.
Mike: That's not what he means.
Tom: I know, but it was a good riff.

>and
>chased the elusive residual dream for the last three years --
>making only $10,000 last year working 60 hours per week.

Mike: I made more than that being a temp.

>In May of 1996, I started working with

Crow: The mafia.
Tom: The feds.
Mike: The secret cabal that rules the world.

>Global Prosperity Group
>and have achieved just under a six figure income!

Tom: That would be a five figure income. Just like what he was making
before.

>The real
>difference has been the turnkey training

Crow: Learn to gobble like a turkey with turkey training.
Mike: He said turnkey, not turkey.
Tom: Isn't turnkey a command in "Zork 17"
Mike: Hey, don't mock Zork. It's only had six sequels.
Crow: Seven.
Mike: Nemesis doen't count as a sequel, it's a mockery of all that's
holy and
an abomination in the sight of the Lord. Dr. F probaly designed it.

>and support system that
>GPG has in place.
>
>The greatest satisfaction however has been witnessing the
>success of the many others that I have introduced to this
>business."
>
>-Kevin Small,

Tom: Brain

>ME
>
>
>
> Global Prosperity Group
> =======================
> http://users.deltanet.com/~jperry/gateway.html
>

Tom: Gentlemen, start your syn flooding!

>
>
>Our legitimate educational financial plan

Mike: As seen on TV.

>is capable of building
>wealth faster than anything you have ever seen and all that
>from the comfort of your own home without major overhead
>headaches.

Crow: For headache pain, take Excedrin.

>It is completely private and without hassles.

Tom: Except for when you get hassled by the man!

>
>Would you like to save enormous amounts of money by:
>
> - Slashing your taxes?

Mike: Slashing your tires?
Crow: Slashing your throat, like we woant to do after reading these
posts.
>
> - Negotiating your debts legally and to your advantage?
>
> - Cleaning up and control your credit profile?

Mike: You know, they just dispute eveything on the report, and it goes
away
for a short time, and then it's back.
Crow: Like roaches.

>
> - Updating credit cards?
>
> - Learning how to protect yourself from the IRS and other
> government snoopers?

Tom: Big Brother is watching you.

>
>Then learning about trusts, offshore trusts and banking, tax
>havens and offshore corporations, foreign investments that
>bring from 40% to 100% profits on investments?
>

Crow: Kathy Lee knows all about those.

>Now, attached to all this is an accelerated, sophisticated
>money and profit making rollover program that is so unique
>that it could start making you serious money in the next 30
>days!

Tom: Just send 5 dollars to the next person on the list, and...
Mike: Wrong SPAM.

>
>And, get this...IT'S ALL ON A CASH BASIS!

Mike: In cash so it's harder for the FBI to investigate us for fraud.

>
>No waiting for company checks
>No percentages
>This is NOT multi-level marketing
>
>BUT direct payments to you by money order or cash!
>

Tom: Sorry, no CODs.
Crow: Good, I hate that show.

>You owe it to yourself and your family to very seriously
>consider and investigate our opportunity.

Mike: Appearenly your family was really mean to you.
Tom: Investigate us before Dateline does.

>
>All I need is about 10-minutes of your time to listen to a
>recorded Introduction telephone call.
>
>That's all. Only 10-minutes!

Crow: That's what all the psychic hotlines say too.

>
>Leave your name and telephone number with the best time
>for me to call you back.

Tom: Yeah, I'm Mr. Bite Me, at 666 Goaway Drive, and my phone number
is 382-5968
Mike <Slaps Tom>: That's it mister, you're getting a time out.

>I'll be happy to plug you into

Crow: The wall, next to the Glade plug in.
All <singing>: Plug it in, plug it in.

>our easy step-by-step three step system of learning all
>about this exciting, lucrative opportunity.
>
>Have a prosperous new year. You deserve it and can earn it
>with our turnkey program.
>
>Regards,
>
>Jeff Perry
>http://users.deltanet.com/~jperry/gateway.html
>jpe...@deltanet.com
>VoiceMail: 800-995-0796 Ext. 7281

Tom: Hey phreaks, want VMB numbers?

>
>"Information about money has become almost as important
>as money itself."

Crow: Yeah, but "I have the information about the money and the power,
and
the power and the information about the money," just doesn't have the
same
rythym.

>
>--Walter Wriston
>"The Future of Money" WIRED Magazine 4.10
>
>
>
>

<1...2...3...4...5..6>

<INT SOL, Mike and bots are standing around, when Lyta walks in,
followed by Kosh.

Kosh: You now work for us.
Tom: Uh, what's going on?
Lyta: Mike is going to go work on one of our planet killers blowing up
worlds.
Crow: He's good at that. It's his skill.
Lyta: Now while you were doing whatever it is you do, I took the
liberty of flying us to Z'ha'dum. Unfortunately, I can't
seem to get it into my line of sight out a window.
Mike: That's okay, I'll just have Cambot give you rocket...
Tom: Stop!
Crow: No!
Gypsy: Mike, control yourself. <All bots start trying to stop Mike. He
doesn't listen.>
Mike: Give me rocket number nine.

Tom: That's the third planet THIS WEEK! What is your problem.
Crow: Did you fry ants with a magnifying glass as a kid, or did you
just shoot spotted whales and blue owls.
Mike: I, I don't, I mean I didn't...
Lyta: Good work.
Crow: Good work? He helped you blow up a planet!
Tom: Jeez you people are all nuts!
Kosh: And so it begins.
Gypsy: Like Hell it begins. <Gypsy shoves Lyta and Kosh offscreen.>

<INT SOL>
Tom: What's next, you going to reveal that you were Attilla the Hun in
a past life?
Mike: I'm sorry, I didn't...
<Movie sign goes off, they all run into the theatre.

<6...5...4...3...2...1>

>Date: Sun, 13 Apr 97 20:52:35 EST
>From: HmmHm...@domain.com

Mike: It's ticki-tastic.
Crow: Rebel-riffic.
Tom: Great, we're being spammed by the Cambel's Soup Company

>Reply-To: world...@hotmail.com
>To: nob...@domain.com
>Subject: Tasty "Sex Muffins" pump up passion . . .
>

Mike: Crow, I just ate lunch, so nothing out of you about this, okay.
Crow: But did you have sex muffins with your lunch?
Tom: Crow, you know Mike hasn't had sex...muffins for years.
Mike: I've been up here for years!
Crow: Kinda defensive, aren't we Nelson.

>
> "Sex Muffins"
>
>Discover the secret to a wild and wonderful sex life!

Tom: Legions of prostitutes!

>Delicious muffin pumps up passion to incredible levels!
>All natural ingredients. Get the complete report plus
>the recipe.

Mike: Now how much would you pay?

>Millions of people around the world, from all walks of
>life have discovered this magical formula.

Crow: Oh it's the magical formula from happy land!

>They report
>increased awareness, elevated passion levels, and
>greater sexual energy!

Mike: It's booze. Booze is an aphrodisiac.
Crow: I bet that's why you haven't had sex...muffins, in years.
Mike: I've had just about enough of you two.

>In order to rush this valuable information to you, we
>need this ORDER FORM to accompany your request please.
>
>[XXX] YES! Please rush your secret "Sex Muffins" recipe.

Tom: Oh, so now you blame US for your mistakes.
Mike: See the XXX, I told you it was booze. Moonshine.
Crow: Mike, that's obviously there because this is just a front for a
porno ring.

>
>(Please print clearly to assure faster delivery)
>

Crow: Well we WOULD print clearly, but Tom was following Mike's advice
and got our Laser Jet drunk.
Tom: Hey!

>EMAIL ADDRESS: ________________________________________
>
>[XXX] Yes I have included the following in with my
>request.
>

Mike: Notice how they already have the answers they expect marked, so
as to eleminate free will.

>1) This completed ORDER FORM.
>2) 1 time payment (US funds) of only $1.00 for the
>complete report and recipe.
>3) A complete EMAIL ADDRESS.

Tom: RANDOM capital LETTERS.

>All orders are EMAILED the same day they are received!!!

Crow: so as to eleminate all our costs.

>
>Send your order to . . .

Mike: And your money.

>
>Worldwide Ad Network / Dept. ALMDB
>11232 Midlothian Turnpike, Suite 220
>Richmond, VA 23235-4714

Crow: Virginia, where they'll try to use this product with a close
blood relative.

>
>Here's to great passion, thanks for your order!
>

Tom: But I didn't send anything.

>This is a 1 time mailing.Your email address is now on
>our "ALREADY SENT" list. You will NOT receive this offer
>again.

Mike: You will receive a different scam from us.

>If you have no interest, please accept our
>sincere apologies. We belive in responsible emailing and

All: <Go into fits of spastic laughing>

>make every effort to only send to those who might value
>this information.To be removed from hundreds of other
>emailers lists, send an email to the Cancelbot,
>canc...@getback.hartley.on.ca

Crow: So we have to work to correct your evil, when sending you mail
will probaly get us on even more mailing lists.

<1...2...3...4...5...6>

<Int van>
Mrs F: Well wasn't that fun. We'll be back for more anarchy and death,
see you soon.
Shadow: Neslon destroyed my world! I'm really mad.
Bobo: Yeah so? He destroyed mine too.
Observer: Mine as well.
Shadow: But I had a bunch of neat stuff there. Man first those nukes,
then...
Rest of people in van: Shut up!

Credits:

MSTing: Psykopath (t...@iglou.com)
Host Segment: Same guy (t...@iglou.com)
Elite Web Page: http://members.iglou.com/trs
Second SPAM forwarded to me buy by: Mark Rowan
(mro...@archa6.cc.uga.edu)
Inspiration for the whole Vorlon/Mike thing: Mark A. Siefert
(cth...@csd.uwm.edu)
Taxes Preapared by: H&R Block.
MSTing can also be found at: http://members.iglou.com/trs

0 new messages