MiSTied: ***THE ENEMY IS NOW WITHIN***, part 1
Mary Spears
Hi everybody! This is my first post to RATMM, and it's a MiSTie too, but
no fair flaming, as I'm actually a very nice person (I even split this
monster up for ease of loading) and I have many large guns besides.
Alrighty then! Hold on tight, and remember, there's going to be a Mary
Kay convention going on at the same time, so things are gonna get kinda
weird...
-Mary Spears
spe...@net-connect.net
*****************************
[play that funky theme music, white boy!]
[*...2...3...4...5...6...SOL Bridge]
[Mike is sitting in a chair, wearing an old old old OLD-looking smoking
jacket and holding a pipe. Crow and Servo are off to the side, and are
also wearing smoking jackets. Yes, bot-sized smoking jackets. It's a
cute mental image, isn't it?]
Mike: (attempts a pseudo-high class English accent, but comes out
sounding more like Ralph Fiennes than Alistair Cooke) Greetings,
everyone, and welcome to Masterpiece Science Theatre. I'm your host
Michael Nelson, and these are my cohosts, Tom Servo...
[Tom takes a bow.]
...and Crow T. Robot.
[Crow is having trouble making his jacket behave. As he attempts to wave
to the audience, it slides off his...uh, "shoulders"...and pins his arms
to his sides.]
Crow: Uh, Mike?
Mike: (the accent's going, going...) Hold on a minute. (the accent makes
a brief comeback...) Tonight's tale is...
Crow: Miiike...can't move here...
Mike: (sans accent) Shh! Can't you see I'm trying to do the intro?
(accent returns) ...one of love, wealth, and unspeakable horror...
Tom: Marriage!
Crow: (Unable to contain his panic any longer) Aaaahh! I'm the first
bot in history to have a smoking jacket wedgie!
Tom: Eeeeww! Gee, thanks, Crow, now I'm gonna have nightmares...
Mike: (but after a valiant effort, the accent disappears into the mist!)
Oh, for...We'll be right back.
Crow: (trembling and whining) I feel like a burrito!
[Insert at least 3 annoying Mentos commercials here. Don't you hate it
when things repeat themselves? Don't you hate it when things repeat
themselves? Don't you hate it when things repeat themselves?]
[Back to the SOL. All smoking jackets are gone, much to the relief of
Crow. Mike looks mildly cheesed.]
Mike: Well, now that _that_ little skit's been ruined...
Crow: I _said_ I was sorry, Mike!
Tom: Hey, I'm still traumatized over envisioning Crow with a smoking
jacket wedgie...anyone care about _my_ needs?
[A yellow light begins to flash on the console.]
Mike: (sighs heavily) No time, Servo...Laurel and Hardy are calling.
(taps light)
[POV switches to Deep 13. Dr. F. looks pissy. Frank looks amused.]
Dr. F.: Hello there, Bill Nelson. I've got good news and bad news for
you...
[SOL]
Mike: Oh, joy...
Tom: Don't worry, buddy, we're here for you.
Crow: Um, speak for yourself, Servo...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F.: Yes, cower before me! Anyway, the good news is that I'm not
sending you a movie OR a terrible fanfic this week.
[SOL]
Mike: Oh. Well, hey, Dr. Forrester, thanks!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F.: The bad news is that it's actually a disgustingly pretentious
post by a man who seems to think that alien hybrids will antecede me in
taking over the world!
[SOL]
Tom: Imagine!
Crow: Why, the very idea!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F.: Yes, indeed. The very nerve of some of these Internet
losers...Still, he could easily become my pawn in my game! This is
suffering at its sweetest! Little does this idiot know, he's helping my
glorious cause! Enjoy it, boys! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!
[SOL]
Crow: Wow, what a dickweed.
[lights flash and buzzer sounds]
Mike: Oh, we got USENET SIGN!!
[General panic ensues as all exit into the theater.]
[6...5...4...3...2...*...theater]
>Subject: ***THE ENEMY IS NOW WITHIN***
Mike: It's a new installment to the Evil Dead series?
Tom: I thought it was just Hillary Clinton.
Crow: No, that's the Enemy With Helmet Hair.
Tom: Oh, easy mistake.
>Date: 30 Apr 1997 12:11:30 GMT
Crow: GMT?
Mike: Green Monster Tribbles.
Crow: Oh...huh??
>From: fe...@ix.netcom.com(Johnny Redd)
Tom: Quick, quick! Get it!
Crow: ...netcom.com...Got it!
[Both bots cackle evilly.]
Mike: Now, what are you guys up to?
Crow: Just spreading some spam to the world, want some?
>Organization: Netcom
Mike: Oh, yeah, as if they would ever take the blame for this!
>Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
Crow: Like he doesn't take trips to alt.binaries.erotica.camels.
[That affords him odd looks from his companions.]
Crow: What?
>I'm sure everyone's already heard the one about Hale-Bopp
Mike: Yeah, that's that song by Hanson.
Tom: Er...whatever.
Crow: Hey, didja hear the one about the woman who loved her priest? She
chased him all around the church and grabbed him by the organ! BADA-BOOM!
[The other two groan loudly.]
>comet...how either there's a ship trailing it, or the comet IS a ship
>filled with Reptilian-like aliens.
Mike: Naw!
Tom: Ya don't say!
Crow: Quick! Call National Geographic!
>Who knows, it could happen.
Tom: Whadoya mean you're giving half to a waitress??
Crow: But, honey, I promised a tip!
>But not very likely...
Mike: This whole conspiracy runs under that heading.
Crow: Too bad it's not running under that as an ending.
Tom: Song cue! "Dream the impossible dream...!"
>All my present allies, and you know who you are,
Crow: All two of you!
Mike: And that includes the high school nurse!
Tom: (whiny nurse-voice) Time to take your temperature! Bend over...
>are all in agreement that the enemy is NOT coming.
Mike: Oh. Well, that's reassuring, I was beginning to think...
>They're already here!
Mike: Aaaaaahhh!
Crow: Don't worry, Mike. Everyone knows they're all holed up in Idaho.
Mike: Whew! Thanks, buddy!
>They've been here for the past 10 years.
Crow: Cramming the world full of useless drivel like this.
Tom: So, that's where all the infomercials came from.
>UNfortunately, the average person is always a skeptic,
Mike: I thought we were "Homo sapiens".
Crow: Poor you.
Mike: Now, that wasn't very nice.
Tom: No one ever accused him of being nice.
Crow: (obviously flattered) Aw, gee. Thanks!
>and to see the enemy with a skeptic's eye,
>you wouldn't know one if he gave you a "speeding ticket".
Crow: So...I guess speeding tickets don't really exist in Johnny's world.
Tom: But I bet big purple dinosaurs do.
Mike: Waitaminute. "To see the enemy, you wouldn't know one if he gave
you a speeding ticket"? What do speeding tickets have to do with
anything?
Crow: Don't try bringing "real" logic into this. You might hurt
yourself.
>THis is because a great majority of the "Reptilian" aliens
Tom: The minority is too busy keeping the Heaven's Gate clan from
invading their ship.
Crow: (singing) Do, a man, a very scary man...
>have made millions and millions of "hybrid" aliens.
Mike: (announcer's voice) And, 99% of them can be killed with one bottle
of Listerine.
Tom: You just told us that a ship full of Reptilian aliens was not very
likely, yet they've somehow managed to make millions and millions of
hybrids anyway. Buh?
Crow: Toldja. Just sit back and enjoy the pain, boys.
>People...they LOOK HUMAN!
Crow: People look human?
Mike: With a few minor exceptions.
All: VINCENT SCHIAVELLI!
>They may have the *physical* attributes of a human being,
Mike: But, the mental attributes of a jar of mayonnaise.
Tom: Which, of course, would put them in Johnny's bracket of intellect.
Mike: Ouch!
>and quite possibly the personality of one...
Crow: Ed McMahon!
Tom: David Letterman!
Mike: Crow!
[Mike appears to be choking with laughter. Crow is not amused.]
>but if you REALLY knew what to look
>for,...you'd know for sure that they're not Human at all.
Mike: Kinda like Christopher Walken.
Crow: Um...I'd watch what I said about him if I were you, Mike...
>They have begun a process of Global Espionage.
Tom: Why not universal espionage? Geez, aliens today just don't think
big...
Crow: Waitaminute! He's right! He's telling the truth! It's AMWAY!
We're being conquered by a pyramid scheme!
Mike: (as an AMWAY rep) Hello, Mr. Robot. I have an opportunity that
can change your life for the measley investment of $500 of your
heard-earned money!
Crow: Aaaaaahh!
Tom: That was cruel, Nelson.
[Mike only giggles.]
>They start with those is highest authority, or highest public
>influence.
Mike: "those is highest authority"?
Tom: Ah was learned the English language in fo' sho't minutes, 'n you c'n
too! Jis send fo' yoah copy o' English Done Easy, or call, 1-800-IBEDUMB.
Crow: Maybe it's Ebonics.
>Those in high authority can range anywhere from a Leader of any
>powerful country (no Clinton is not one of them, they would rather be
>taken seriously),
Crow: Hey! Who let him into our theater?
Tom: Back! Back, you Mulder-wanna-be monster!
>a Law Enforcement Director, those who control the medical
>field, professors, etc.
Mike: Hey, that explains some of _my_ old professors...
>Those of great public influence can range from
>an Actor to the Pope.
Mike: And that explains Bill Gates, too!
Tom: There might be rationale to this yet.
Crow: Um, is it just me, or does this guy enjoy his caps key just a
little too much?
Tom: That's the second installment of the English Done Easy set: TyPing
Maid Sympul.
>After they remove these figures, they immediately
>"replace" them with one of their hybrid *clones*.
Tom: But, but, if they're hybrids, then they look like both species, so
they can't be replicas, which means they can't be clones...
[Tom starts vibrating in agitation.]
Mike: Easy, buddy. Deep breaths. In. Out. Good.
Crow: Don't worry, Servo. Any minute now, I'm gonna join you.
>Like I said, the average person would be fooled easily,
Mike: Especially if they're related to this moron!
Tom: If he's from Arkansas, they probably are.
[Crow does a rimshot.]
>which is why the Enemy chose this
>for their assault, they know how gulible
Crow: Not to mention gullible...
>and naive many of us are.
Tom: Hey, buddy, admitting it is solving half the problem.
Crow: (Gary Owen voice) Does your loved one see green aliens in your
postman, or believe Pamela Anderson's breasts are government comlinks to
another world? Then, you should call Conspiracy Anonymous!
Mike: (as Johnny Redd) Hi. My name is Johnny, and YOU'RE ALL ALIEN
HYBRIDS OUT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!
Tom and Crow: (cheering supportively) We love you, Johnny!
>Think about it,
Tom: No, I believe you're doing enough of that on your own.
Mike: You consider _that_ thinking??
Tom: Actually, it's more along the lines of waaaaay too much time on his
hands.
>the Weather man can tell an entire city that it will
>rain all over the place today.
Crow: As opposed to raining on just Johnny's house last week at midnight?
>But even if there wasn't a cloud in the
>sky, peolpe will still carry coats and umbrellas,...
Mike: What's a "peolpe"?
Tom: I don't know, but apparently it carries umbrellas and coats for no
reason.
Crow: So, what's that got to do with an entire city?
Tom: Everyone stares at the "peolpe"s funny because they actually listen
to the weather man.
Crow: Oh, I see. That _is_ weird.
>believing it to
>rain. But here's the funny part...no matter how sunny it is that day,
>these millions of people will cling to the belief that it WILL RAIN. It
>never does.
Crow: I guess rain doesn't exist in Johnny's world either.
Mike: Ha-ha! Ha-ha!...um...I didn't find that funny at all.
Tom: This whole post is a trip into the bowels of hell!
Crow: Or a trip through Mike's underwear drawer.
>Why did these people honestly believe it would rain that day?
Tom: And what a day it was! Fireworks, boats, and chickens! Oh, the
memories!
>Because a man on TV, who you believe knows more about that than you,
>TOLD you to.
Mike: (as Svengali) Look deep into my eyes. You will believe it to rain.
You will carry coats and umbrellas like peolpe!
Tom and Crow: (Igor-esque) Yes, mastah.
>Now if something like that can effect
Crow: Oooh! Grammar flame?
Mike: Nah, it's really not worth it.
Tom: We would be here for hours if we just focused on his lack of
grammar.
Mike: No. _You_ would be here...
>so many people all over the world,...
Tom: Not to mention peolpes.
>gee, lemme see here...would it seem more benificial to
>"Enslave" a society through their own Media, or wipe 'em out?
All: Wipe 'em out! Wipe 'em out!
>if they wanted us dead,...they would've killed us before now.
Mike: Oh, now THERE's a comforting thought...
Crow: We could give them Johnny's address instead.
Mike: That's a much MORE comforting thought.
>no. They want "servants". They want a race of beings to control, to
>do things for them.
Tom: So, that's what a "servant" is!
Crow: Thank you, Mister Dictionary! What would we do without you!
>And they want US because we're marketable,
Mike: We have higher stock returns compared to the Martians.
>hard-working-industrial-animals, and through simple deception,...
Tom: You call building millions of hybrids, simple?
Crow: Look who you're talking to.
>we'll do anything we're told to do.
Crow: I won't do Roseanne. I have my pride, you know.
Tom and Mike: (singing badly) OH say can you see...!!
>Now you can't MAKE us do anything,
Mike: Wait just a darn minute! He just said...
Crow: Let it go, Mike. It's not worth it.
>as Humans, we're crude, violent, and totally uncontrollable.
Tom: But, as cows, we're fairly docile.
Mike: Hey...maybe you're really a human, Crow...
Crow: Hey!!
Mike: Revenge for the Homo Sapiens crack!
Crow: Of course, you realize, this is war.
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This is the end of side one. Please turn this tape over to continue.