MSTed Galaxy Far Away 3

[Amy Ashton]

[commercials]

[back on the SOL. The guys are taking a break from the movie.
Mike and Tom are playing Stratego. Crow is eating an enormous
sammich.]

MIKE: STRATEEEEEEEEEEEGOOO!
TOM: Are you sure this is how you play?
MIKE: Yeah, I told you it was, didn't I? Are you starting
to doubt me, Thomas Servo?
TOM: No, it's just that I found these instructions in the box,
and their interpretation of the actual, you know, rules of play
seems a little different from yours.
MIKE: [picks instructions up from desk, tears them into
shreds] You question my grasp of the game, Servo?
TOM: Uh... not at all, sir.

[suddenly, the SOL rocks]
MIKE: Whoa!
TOM: Whoa!
CROW: Mmmmmmph!
MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket #9!

[Exterior: SOL. The Millenium Falcon appears to be nuzzling
up to the Satellite.]

[Interior: SOL. Mike and the bots stare at Cambot, aghast.]

ALL: THE MILLENIUM FALCON?!
MIKE: They're trying to make contact! Cambot, the hexfield
viewscreen!

[Hexfield opens, and we see Han Solo sitting in the cockpit of
the MF. He's a little heavier, his hair's a little longer, and
he's grown a goatee.]

ALL: HAN SOLO!
MIKE: What are you doing here?
TOM: How'd you get here?
CROW: Mmmmph?
HAN: [chuckles] Hey, boys, how ya doing? Yeah, Chewie
and I were just toolin' around your part of the universe,
and we thought we'd stop by and see how it's going.
MIKE: Well, uh, we're fine, General Solo. How's it going
with the Rebellion?
HAN: Oh, that. That's been over for what... ten, eleven years.
Yeah, let's see... Lando got himself elected president of the
galaxy, but... well, to be honest, he was impeached.
ALL: Impeached?
HAN: Yeah, well, there was a scandal with a llama and several
hundred cubic meters of peat moss. It's over now, but Lando'll
never be the same. He's in a rest home on Traquilla IV.
TOM: Wow. So how about Luke?
HAN: Luke? Oh he's fine, fine. Still stops by from time to time,
but he's awfully busy with the tour and all.
MIKE: Tour?
HAN: Yeah, the Jedi Light Show and Revue. It's very popular.
CROW: [swallows sammich mouthful] Say, what about that
babe Leia? You two still an item?
HAN: [looks uncomfortable; runs hand through hair] Weelllll, not
in the sense that we're actually together, no. She decided I was
an arrogant jerk and ran off with that Wedge guy. Said he had
a geeky appeal that I lack.
MIKE: Sheesh. Women.
HAN: I hear ya, buddy. Well, listen, I gotta go pick Chewie up from
the vet's. Y'all take care, okay?
ALL: Thanks! Bye! [etc.]

[Hexfield closes. Mike and bots look at each other.]

CROW: Mike, if that ever happens to us... kill us. Instantly.
TOM: Agreed.

[USENET sign]

ALL: USENET sign!

[general panic ensues.]

[door sequence]

> * * *
>"Lord Vader, the ship is prepared for the jump to hyperspace," Captain
>Drekker informed the Dark Lord as he stared out into the blackness.
>"Make the jump," he said not looking at the Captain.

TOM: [as Vader] And this time, you'd better make it a proper axel.

>"Yes, my lord,"
>He turned on his heel and gave the signal to engage the hyperdrive.
>The ship flickered and was gone.

MIKE: Which proved unfortunate for all its inhabitants, who were
floating unprotected in space.

>No sooner had they settled into
>hyperspace, the ship was rocked

MIKE: ... by Lollapallooza MCXXVII!
ALL: Woo-hoo!

>and nearly torn apart. The Star
>Destroyer _Nosferatu_

TOM: In case you didn't notice the name the last five times
we said it.

>hurdled through space out of control.

ALL: [cheer]

>People
>and equipment were thrown about, even Darth Vader had to grab onto the
>railing so as not to be tossed around. "As I feared sir," Lt. Fulson
>advised Captain Drekker,

MIKE: [as Lt Fulson] ...Pauly Shore is coming out with a new movie.

>"We have hit a hyperspace shock wave from
>a supernova..." the Lt. was thrown to the floor of the operations pit.

ALL: [cheer again]

>He picked himself up

ALL: Boo!

>against all of the other officers and men falling
>around him, too frightened to do their jobs. All but Lt. Fulson began
>to choke and claw at their throats.

CROW: Vader spared him because he's a know-it-all?
MIKE: Apparently.
CROW: Cool. Guess that means I'm safe.

>"We are off of our charts, we are
>nowhere near a marker of any kind." The ship was beginning to steady.
>"Disengage the hyp..." Before Captain Drekker could finish,
>everything stopped.

CROW: Including the hearts of every member of the crew, killing them
instantly, and allowing the fanfic to end. [starts to get up]
TOM: Not so fast, Goldenrod.
CROW: GAH! Tom, quit quoting Star Wars in a Star Wars fanfic,
okay? Especially this one. It's so... derivative.
MIKE: It's plagarism is what it is.
TOM: Oh, like we should talk.

>The ship stabilized and the stars returned to
>normal. Drekker threw a sidelong glance at Vader as he pulled himself
>to his feet with as much dignity as possible. "What happened,
>Captain?" Vader asked as he walked toward Drekker.

MIKE: [as Captain] Well, first the Earth's crust cooled, and then --

>"As we feared, we
>have been knocked, as far as we can tell, out of the galaxy by a
>hyperspace shock wave from the supernova. We have no idea how far
>we've come or where we are, my Lord," Drekker spat.

CROW: He'd better hope that doesn't get on Vader's boots.

>"Is this where
>the rebels went, Captain," he said the word 'Captain' with a sense of
>impermanence. "My Lord," Drekker took a visible breath.

TOM: [as Vader] Woo! Drekker, you ever thought about brushing
your teeth after lunch?

>He was rarely shaken,

MIKE: Sometimes stirred.

>but Vader was beginning to grate on his last nerve. "There is
>no way to tell if this is where they came or not. We don't even know
>where we are. We will have to run tests and see if we can find a trace

CROW: Huh?

>of them," the Captain had regained his composure. "Excellent,
>Captain. I will be in my chambers,

TOM: [as Vader] Anybody got a magazine I can borrow?

>I will be notified of your progress every hour."
>He turned and walked off the bridge. Drekker turned
>away. "Lt., Launch scout ships and run full scanner sweeps. Let us try
>to find out where our rebel friends have gotten to, shall we?"

MIKE: [as lieutenant] I dunno, sir. You're the captain.

>"Sir,
>long range radio transmission will be impossible. There is some sort
>of electromagnetic interference, it must be related to the shock
>wave." "Tell the TIEs to stick with their wings then." "Very good,
>sir," Fulson began attending to his duties. Several squadrons of
>TIE/rc fighters emerged from the ventral Docking bay of the star
>destroyer. The began combing the system for the rebels.
> * * *
>Deanna. Can you here me? Luke reached out across the Promenade
>on DS9.

MIKE: [as Deanna] Yes, and you misspelled "hear."

>Yes, Luke. I knew it! You are a telepath.

CROW:[as Luke] No sh-
MIKE: *Ahem.*
CROW: Hmm. Hrmph.

>She walked toward him.
>"No. Not really. Where I am from, some have the power to manipulate
>the Force. An energy field created by all the living things in the
>universe that binds the universe together.

TOM: [as Deanna] Yes, but what about it?

>Once there were thousands
>of warriors called Jedi Knights that utilized this to spread justice
>and peace throughout our galaxy. I am the last of the knights. You are
>a telepath?" "No," She replied in awe of what he just told her. "I am
>any empath.

MIKE: Not a particular empath. Just any empath.

>I can sense what others are feeling. I'm only telepathic
>with other Betazoids."

TOM: [as Deanna] I don't believe in interracial telepathy.

>The two started walking through the Promenade
>toward the security bays. "Then you are not human?" he asked puzzled.
>"Only half," she replied. She looked puzzled for a moment. "Is the
>Princess a Jedi knight?" Luke was startled that she even had the
>idea. "No...she may be someday however.

MIKE: [as Luke] She's sued the knights for sexual discrimination,
and her case is being heard by the Supreme Court next month.

>We are closely related. She is
>very strong in the Force." "You are very concerned about the man that
>is following you." "Yes. Darth Vader is a dark Jedi. His soul was
>consumed by evil, but I believe he may be saved. I must confront him
>soon." "You care for him, this man who is trying to kill you."

CROW: Welcome to Telepathy Theatre. Today, two mind-readers
get together and tell each other what they're feeling.

>"I
>suppose that you could say that. He's my father. Or used to be before
>turning to the darkside.

TOM: [as Luke] But I guess he's still my father. I mean, the paternity
tests were positive. Oh, whatever, he still wants me dead.

>"Oh," Deanna was shocked. "It was a
>conscious choice for him to turn?" "The dark side is very powerful
>and seductive.

MIKE: Well, you know what they say about power...
CROW: No, what?
MIKE: Umm... maybe when you're older.

>A man...or woman with a weakness of spirit may be
>tempted down the wrong path." Luke changed the subject, "You have a
>strength in the Force that I haven't felt for a long time."

MIKE: [as Deanna] Yeah, as if I haven't heard that one before, laser
breath.

>"I do?"
>Deanna was taken aback by this. "How could I..." "Ah...You must be
>the traveler I've heard so much about!" Suddenly Quark stepped in
>front of them his arms full of trashy trinkets.

TOM: So Quark's in pr?

>"You must desire
>things to take with you. Souvenirs, gifts, trinkets. I..." "No, thank
>you," Luke said and kept walking. "No, Thank you," Quark said
>glazedly. Luke passed into the crowd and Quark shook his head. "How,
>did you...?" Deanna was shocked that Quark was turned away so quickly.

TOM: Ah! I see. He's in telemarketing.

>"The Force has a strong influence over the weak minded," Luke smiled
>remembering his former teacher Ben Kenobi. "You mean you manipu..."
>"No, I just nudged it. I have the ability to warp people's minds.

MIKE: So does watching ten episodes of "Blossom" back to back.
TOM: Mike, you are cruel and unusual.

>Make
>them lose concentration, even distort their realities, but that is
>dangerously close to the darkside."

CROW: [as Luke] Which is why I only use it on salesferengi.

>They arrived at Security Bay Six.
>Constable Odo was standing outside the door with Luke's lightsaber in
>his hand.

MIKE: [as Odo] The batteries were running low. I replaced them.
Hope you don't mind.

>"It appears that you will be leaving us Cmdr Skywalker,"
>Odo risked a rare smile and handed Luke his lightsaber. "You may need
>this in the coming fight. Good Luck." Luke shook Odo's hand. "May the
>Force be With You."

TOM: (tm)

>Odo gave Luke a bewildered look

MIKE: [as Odo] Here, take this look. From you to me.

>and strode off.

TOM: I suggest we stride off.
CROW: Good idea.

[Exeunt]

[commercials]

> * * *
>"PS917-" the TIE pilot called over the radio.

TOM: TK421, why aren't you at your post? TK421, do you
copy?
CROW: Tom, you really frighten me sometimes.

>"My scanners are
>showing a distortion in space over here at coordinates 98.10.5."
>"PS372, My sensors are showing the same thing." "Head back to the
>_Nosferatu_ and inform the Captain and Lord Vader."

MIKE: No way! You tell them.

>"On my way."
>Just then the Wormhole opened up and sucked the TIEs through.
> * * *
>"Chewie, get the ship ready for lift off," Han called to Chewie. The
>Wookie went inside the ship and almost immediately the Falcon came
>alive, purring like a kitten. "Get these specs to Cmdr Data, pronto,
>so he can

TOM: ... see.
MIKE: That's "specifications," not "spectacles," Tom.
TOM: I know, but see, there was this really long paragraph
and no good riffs, and I just....

>get started on the torpedo's hyperdrive," Geordie handed the
>PADD to an ensign and he walked briskly to the transporter room.
>"Well, General, it looks like we got all the information we need for
>the hyperdrive. It should work for a few minutes anyway.

CROW: [as Geordi] After that, you're meat. I'd start praying now
if I were you.

>I'll be
>heading back to the _Enterprise_ now. I'll see you on board." "Wait,"
>Han stopped him, "I can take you over there." Geordie's face lit up.

TOM: He stuck his finger in an electrical socket.

>"I wouldn't want to impose." "I need a navigator. I don't know where
>the hell the main hanger bays are on that ship of yours.

MIKE: Try the closet.

>Get on
>board." Geordie half-ran onto the ship.

TOM: [as Igor] Walk this way. No, this way. With the cane.

>He took a seat in the cockpit
>behind Han's. Han sat in the pilot's chair and put his headset on,
>"Luke, do you copy?" "Loud and clear, Han." "Wedge?" "Gotcha,
>General." "DS9 control. _Millenium Falcon_ and two X-Wing fighters
>ready for departure to _Enterprise_. Request Clearance for security
>Bay Six."

MIKE: We have clearance, Clarence.

>"_Millenium Falcon_ you are clear. Security Bay Six is open
>and ready for your departure."

CROW: [nasal and muffled] Rrroger, Millienium Falcon, you are cleared
and hot.

>"_Millenium Falcon_ out." The
>thrusters under the _Falcon_

MIKE: Yeah, okay. Don't ever say "thrusters" again.

>and the two X-Wings ignited

TOM: It's the Hindenburg all over again!
CROW: They shoulda known better than to use hydrogen as fuel.

>and the ships
>lifted out of the bay and pivoted toward the _Enterprise_. "DS9
>control. _Millenium _Falcon__ and fighters clear."

TOM: Which gives them a real advantage in battle.
CROW: It's like Wonder Woman's plane.
MIKE: Wonder Woman... grrrrrrrrwwwww....
TOM: Do you have permission to use that?

> * * *
>"Runabout _Nile_ to DS9," O'Brien radioed, "I'm about to enter the
>wormhole." "You are clear for passage, _Nile_," Odo's voice came over
>the speaker. O'Brien engaged the warp engines to warp 1 and the
>wormhole opened its huge, cavernous mouth and swallowed the Runabout.
>Once inside the wormhole, the window was filled with the lights and
>colors that he was just getting used to.

MIKE: [as O'Brien] It's like this bad acid trip I... uh, never mind.

>The proximity alarm began to
>wail and his ship nearly ran head-on into two small craft. He swerved
>the ship, and missed. "Could be the Imperials," he said.

CROW: He *is* psychic!

>He shot out
>of the far end of the wormhole and dropped out of warp. A huge ship
>was on the scope. He brought the view to full magnification. "The Star
>Destroyer," He said in sheer awe of it's size. He tried to fire the
>maneuvering thrusters, but they were offline. "Damn! The warp engines
>too."

TOM: Because... okay, I give up. Why, exactly?

>By now they could see a ship of unknown configuration coming
>toward them. "What I wouldn't give for a cloaking device," he looked
>at Kira's somber expression.

CROW: [as O'Brien] Heck, I'd toss you right on out of the airlock
if I could... uh... *ahem*.

> * * *
>"Captain all recon/scanning patrols are in, except two," Fulson
>reported.

TOM: "The Empire Strikes Back."
CROW: Well, not exactly...

>"Were they destroyed?" "No, Captain, there was no fight,
>they just disappeared from our scopes. Then another ship reappeared,
>I cannot tell it's class, it could be one of the TIEs" Drekker raised
>his eyebrows.

CROW: I can't think of any more eyebrow jokes.
TOM: Me neither.
MIKE: Leave it, boys.

>"Send a party out to look for them, and bring in this
>other ship if it isn't the TIE. This may not have been the safest
>place for the rebels to hide." "Yes, Captain." * The three rebel
>ships were heading for the _Enterprise_ when the two TIEs emerged
>from the wormhole. "What are those ships?" Geordie indicated to Han.
>Han's face lost all expression.

MIKE: Like that's anything new.

>He flipped the comm switch "Two
>Imperial TIE fighters 10 o'clock." "Got 'em," Luke said, "Lock spars
>in attack position." The two X-Wings' S-foils

CROW: Umm...
TOM: Oh, save the effort. It doesn't make sense.
CROW: Okay.

>moved to position, but
>they stayed in formation. "Lando," Han called, "Get the Quads up!"
>Lando ran around the corner and to the upper quad gun. Han turned to
>Geordie. "It looks like your getting to try out your handiwork, kid.

TOM: [as Geordi] Aye-aye, sir! Toss me those knitting needles.

>Take the other quad. "Yes, sir!" Geordie jumped up and got into
>position on the lower gun.

MIKE: [as Geordi] Oh, goody! Now I get to shoot something!
CROW: [as Lando] Is anyone else a little worried about letting
the blind kid shoot at things?

>He glanced at Lando who gave him a thumbs
>up. "Just point and shoot kid. It's as easy as a Twilekkian Whore,"

MIKE: Whoa! Uh, you guys didn't see that.
TOM: See what?
CROW: I saw it. I didn't get it, but I saw it.

>Lando smiled. Geordie adjusted himself

CROW: He plays baseball in the off-season.

>and got ready. "Here we go
>kiddos," Han hollered.

MIKE: [as Geordi] Sheesh! Keep it down, would ya?

> The X-Wings broke off and sped ahead to the
>bewildered TIE fighters. The TIEs reacted quickly however. A quick and
>dirty firefight took place. Luke and Wedge expertly exterminated one
>and Geordie took out the other at the behest of Han's piloting.

TOM: Boy, that was... exciting.

>"We'd
>better get to _Enterprise_, Chewie," Han said, "Regroup and head for
>_Enterprise_, kids," Han called to Luke and Wedge. Lando and the numb
>Geordie walked into the cockpit.

TOM: [as Lando] Gave the kid some novocaine. Hope you don't
mind.

>"Nice shooting, kid," Han said with a
>smile. "Now where do I park this thing?" Geordie guided the three
>ships to the main shuttle bay.

[commercials]
--
I always suspect an artist who is successful before he is dead.
--Edgar Degas
http://members.aol.com/rfothree/