MiSTed: These Boots Were Made For Walkin'
Steven Kent Munger
_Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000_ presents:
_These Boots Were Made For Walkin'_
by Steven Munger, skmu...@eos.ncsu.edu
<Satelite of Love Interior>
Tom: You're kidding! Killer Instinct could whip any of them!!
Crow: No way, meat. Mortal Kombat 3 has _got_ to be the best.
<Mike enters>
Mike: Oh, hello, everybody. I'm Mike Nelson, and it looks like my robot pals
Crow and Tom Servo are arguing over which fighting style video game is
the best!
Tom: At least you have to agree that Primal Rage is pretty good.
Crow: Ha! Will you please tell me how a big gorilla with flatulence is a
better fighter than Sub-Zero??
Mike: Guys, guys, settle down. I can settle this once and for all.
Tom&Crow: How?
<Magic voice>: Commercial sign in 15 seconds. And I always liked Pac-Man
best.
Mike: Just remember this- all fighting games are just knock-offs of the old
Karate Champ game, and you quickly realize that they *all* stink!!
Tom&Crow: Oh, yeah. Hmmm.
<Magic Voice>: Commercial sign now...
<commercial>
Together Dating Service - meet others just as hard up as you in your own area!
<S.o.L>
Mike: Well, now that that's all cleared up, how about a nice quick game of
Parcheesi?
Crow: Sorry, Mike, but it looks like the evil underpants is calling..
<Mike hits the button>
<Deep 13 - Dr. Forrester is wearing an apron and rubber gloves, and is carrying
a mop>
Dr. F: Oh, hello, Poopsie. It seems my Mother is coming for a while since
Frank... you know... left, so I've been tidying the place up a bit.
but that doesn't mean I haven't been looking for more pain for you!
For instance, I found this particualr piece of rat poison while
intercepting peoples e-mail.
<S.o.L>
Mike: What?! Can you _do_ that?
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Anything is possible when you believe in science, my jumpsuited
guinea pig! Now, your experiment today comes from the mind of one
"Dawn Bell". It seems that she's broken up with one "Steve Munger"
and now she "decides" to "e-mail" him that she doesn't "want to be
'friends'" anymore. It would almost be enough to bring a "tear to my
eye" if I weren't "enjoying" it so much, and if I weren't so "busy"
making these little "quote" "marks". Fun for me means pain for you,
though, so happy hunting, Pocahontas!!
<S.o.L>
All: Auugh! We've got e-mail sign!!!
6..5..4..3..2..1..
<enter theatre>
>From dlb...@unity.ncsu.edu Tue Oct 3 10:01:16 1995
Mike: A day that will live in infamy.
>From: "Dawn Louise Bell"
Crow: I always sleep right through my dawn bell.
Tom: I think that's already been established, thank you.
>Message-Id: <951003100...@unity.ncsu.edu>
>Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 10:01:11 -0400
Mike: You mean this only took 15 seconds?? She must type _really_ fast.
>X-Mailer: Z-Mail (3.2.1 10apr95)
>To: skmu...@eos.ncsu.edu
>Mime-Version: 1.0
Tom: Man, do I hate mimes
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Status: OR
>
>Hey.
Crow: ...is for horses.
Mike: No, you feed horses oats.
Crow: What kind of an opening line would 'Oats' make?
I just finished typing my English Paper
Tom: Capitalized because it's a proper noun.
Mike: Tom, don't start...
Crow: Maybe it's the horses name.
Tom <announcer voice>: Now rounding the third post, ahead by half a length
is English Paper, followed by Math Homework, and
Chemistry Test close behind.
and thought I'd write you a
>quick note.
Mike <as Dawn>: I've got an extra 15 seconds. Why don't I tell somebody I
never want to see them again!
I got your phone message that you called.
Tom: Well, obviously if you call, it's a phone message.
Mike <as Steve>: Shoot, 20 minutes of nothing but heavy breathing, and she
_still_ knew it was me!
I probably won't
>call you back,
Crow <as Dawn>: Because I can't figure out what all those little buttons on
the phone are for.
so this note is my correspondence to you.
Mike: Not to be confused with throwing rocks or anything.
If you were
>calling about the Church thing.
Tom: comma
No
Tom: Small 'n'
Mike: I thought I told you no grammar flames a long time ago.
thank you, I don't think I will be
>attending.
Crow: Because I've decied to become a witch, and the coven's meeting times
conflict.
Also, I really don't know why,
Tom: But every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye.
Crow: Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug?
Tom: *D'oh!*
but every time I see you or hear
>from you,
Mike: or write hate e-mail to you.
Tom: or break up with you
Crow: or go grocery shopping.
Mike & Tom: Huh??
Crow: Well, I'm hungry, and it was the first thing that came to mind.
I get this really almost sick dreading feeling inside.
Mike: Reminds me of climing the rope in gym class.
Crow: Oooh, now *I* feel sick.
Tom: Uh-uh guys, get your parkas. I think I feel a cold front coming.
I really
>think it would be best if we didn't talk to each other.
Tom: Brrr. Told ya'.
Mike: I guess she wants to do everything in mime, instead.
(Mike starts to act out the 'trapped in a glass box' routine)
Tom: Cut it out. CUT IT OUT!!! I *hate* mimes.
Every time I see
>you, you make me feel guilty for some reason.
Crow: But since Furman's a racist, you'll never know why.
Tom: If the gloves don't fit, you have to acquit!
I know I haven't been the
>nicest person in the world to you,
Mike: And the award for Nicest Person In The World goes to... Oh, never mind.
but then I don't deserve death looks
Crow: What, does his head burst into flames whenever you're close by??
every
>time you see me either.
Tom: So she's saying that since she hasn't been nice, she doesn't deserve...
Mike: Tom, _don't_ make me take away your RAM chips.
Tom: Alright, alright. No more grammar flames. I promise.
I think it would be best if we just avoided each
>other.
Crow: Otherwise, you'd just collide, and have to spend all that time
exchanging insurance information and everything.
Mike<as Dawn>: So if you see me walking down the road, don't be surprised if I
cross the street, ok?
I will probably never have any time to spend with you,
Mike<still as Dawn>: Can't talk right now. 'Murder, She Wrote' is on.
I have barely
>enough time to breath.
Crow<Lloyd Bridges voice>: By this time, my lungs were aching for air..
Mike: Why you...<rips off Crows arm>
Crow: I guess I deserved that one.
Tom: Mike, how about _spelling_ flames?
Mike: Don't start with me, pink boy!
anyway,
Tom: *Capitalize!* Sorry, Mike, but that just really bugs me.
I don't really think I will ever want to spend
>time with you.
Crow: Oh, that's because she can see into the future, and is all-knowing.
Tom: I'm the god -- I'M THE GOD!!!
I just have the feeling that you would not be happy just being
>my friend,
Mike: I have the feeling she wouldn't be happy just being _decent_ to Steve!
whatever that means.
Tom: Um, what else would it mean??
Crow: It means "Thanks for dinner and everything, but don't call me ever
again"
I just think things
Crow: Like, 'Where did I park my car?'
Tom: Or 'this planet would be really cool if it were made of chocolate.'
Mike: Or 'Gee, I thought I was shoo-in for that Nicest Person award thing.'
would be better this way.
>Okay?
All: O-tay, buhwheet!
Well, I'm extremely tired now,
Crow: Yeah, being evil can be *so* exhausting.
so I will be going.
>Me
Mike: ...Tarzan. You Dumped.
>
>--
>Dawn Louise Bell
Tom: Alright, class, there's the bell. You're dismissed.
<exit theatre>
1..2..3..4..5..6..
Tom: Uggh, I feel so... *dirty*.
Mike: I know what you mean, buddy. I need a shower after that one.
Crow: Mike, I think you could stand a good shower _anyway_, if you know what
I mean.
<Gypsy enters>
Gypsy: *sniff* That was so sad. I think Steve is a very nice name. But not
as nice as Richard Basehart!
Crow: Mike, do all humans relationships end like this?
Mike: No, at least, I don't think so, but did I ever tell you the story about
this Chinese girl, and whatever happend to my keyboard??
<Magic Voice>: Some other time, Mike, there's an incoming call...
Mike: Hey, it's on the Hex-field Viewscreen!
<viewscreen opens. Steve appears. He has obviously been crying>
Mike: Hey, buddy, how are you?
Tom: Yeah, you must be taking this pretty hard, huh?
Steve: What? Oh, no, it's just that I just finished watching an episode of
'Sisters'. That show always gets to me.
Crow: So you don't mind that she told you she never wanted to ever hear
from you again? It seems kind of rough to me.
Steve: Well, it always hurts to lose a friend just because she chose to run
from a problem rather than confront it, and without even trying.
In fact..
<telephone operator voice>: Please deposit an additional 25 cents for the next
three minutes.
Steve: Oops, I'm out of change. Gotta go guys - keep on rockin' in the
Free World!!
<Hex-field closes>
Mike: I'd like to think we all learned a lesson here, but I have no idea what
it was supposed to be, so...
All: What do you think, Sir???
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Reminds me of the time in the fourth grade that little MaryJane Swenson
told me I was too "mean" to be her "boyfriend". Well, I "showed her",
and I'll "show" them all! Hahahahahaha! Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to finish scrubbing out the toilets. If only Frank were still
around... He could lick that porcelain clean like no other!!
\ /
\ /
\ /
----o---- <*Fwoosh*>
/ \
/ \
/ \
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks (tm) of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
No personal attack on Ms. Bell is intended or implied, but I _am_ still ticked
off at her (although I would still like to talk to her). Please send any
feed-back, comments or questions to Steven Munger at skmu...@eos.ncsu.edu,
and any flames or hate mail to dlb...@unity.ncsu.edu.
>I get this really almost sick dreading feeling.