MSTed: Galaxy Far Away (4 and last)

[Amy Ashton]

[interior: SOL]

[Crow and Tom are sitting at the computer. They have a scanner hooked
up to it now.]

TOM: ... so all I do it hit that button, and then...

[Both laugh maniacally.]

CROW: Uh, Tom, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but there's one eensy
problem with your plan.
TOM: What's that, friend?
CROW: Neither of us has working arms.
TOM: Oh.

[brief silence]

[enter Mike]

MIKE: Hey, guys, what's up?
TOM: MIKE! Good buddy. Listen, would you do me a favor?
MIKE: Sure, what d'ya need?
TOM: Would you be so kind as to hit that button there?
MIKE: Which... this one?

[Hits button on keyboard. Light flashes from the scanner.
The computer whirs frantically. Crow and Tom both laugh
evilly.]

CROW: It's working! It's working, I tell you!
MIKE: What... wait, what's going on?
TOM: Well, see, Mike, in my free time, I worked up this
program that will take our fanfics and make them into
actual television programs! So all I had to do was take your
E.M. Forster/X-Files crossover and pop it in the scanner there
and hit that button that you so kindly hit, and pretty soon,
"The Forster Files" will be amassing huge Neilsen ratings, and
we'll be... we'll be... well, actually, it won't affect our lives at all,
but we'll have the satisfaction of knowing we spawned a ridiculously
overhyped and poorly written television series.
MIKE: Well, that's... great, I suppose, but Tom... how did you
manage to write the program and get the paper in the scanner
without working arms?
TOM: Simple. Voice-recognition software, duct tape, and Crow's
beak.
MIKE: But --
CROW: Nelson, you should really just relax.

[computer beeps wildly]

TOM: Uh-oh. We got a problem here.
CROW: What's wrong?
TOM: Uh... well, it seems I got my settings just a bit wrong, and
I beamed Mike's fanfic into...
CROW: Yes?
MIKE: Well?
TOM: ... Deep 13.

[stunned silence. All look at each other.]

MIKE: Oh my.
CROW: You know, Dr. Forrester may be evil, but I'm not sure even
*he* deserves that.

[lights flash]

MIKE: We'll have to deal with it later, guys -- we got fanfic sign!

[door sequence]

> * * *
>"These communicators have been equipped with amplifiers

CROW: Because Picard's getting a little hard of hearing, you know.

>to compensate
>for any shielding," the transporter chief handed everyone one. "Here
>are two extra for O'Brien and Kira. I imagine that they took their
>communicators."

TOM: Since, after all, it's perfectly obvious that they're
communicators and not just an insignia.

>They all affixed their communicators. Data and Worf
>holstered their phasers and placed small palm phasers in hidden
>pockets in their trousers.

CROW: So, is that a small palm phaser or are you just happy to see me?

>Han undid

ALL: NO!

>the release on his blaster holster

ALL: Phew.

>and held it ready. They stepped onto the transporter pads.
>"Stand by," the chief said. Geordie's voice came over the comm
>system, "Torpedo detonation in three, two, one."

MIKE: Contact!

>The shipped surged
>and Han felt the mildly disturbing tingling in his body

TOM: Oo. Tingly.

>and the
>_Enterprise_ transporter room faded and revealed an empty corridor on
>the _Nosferatu_. They took defensive positions scanning the area.

ALL: [SWAT team] Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut...

>"Lead the way, General," Worf growled, his warrior senses roused and a
>hideous Klingon grin on his face.

MIKE: Wipe that hideous Klingon grin off your face!

>"You two are going to stick out
>like a sore thumb around here," Han said looking at the pallid android
>and the bizarre looking Klingon. Just then he shut up

ALL: Yay!
MIKE: That's getting a little old, guys.
CROW: Can't help it. Gut reaction.

>and went flat to
>the wall.

TOM: Mom! Han's doing his flounder imitation again.

>The others did the same. "This might be our lucky day," Han
>said sarcastically. His face fell

CROW: Ouch!

>as he saw the Imperial officer
>coming around the corner, but it brightened again as he saw the two
>stormtroopers behind him. He gestured to the others. It was swift and
>clean. They dragged the bodies into an empty storage room.

TOM: And another gripping battle scene comes to a breathtaking
climax and then falls off the end of the earth.

>Han
>expertly deprived the former officer of his uniform and put it on,
>cringing at the stiff feel of it.

MIKE: [as Han] Phew! Haven't these guys ever heard of deodorant?

>Data and Worf put the stormtrooper
>armor on with little difficulty. Han tossed Worf and Data the
>stormtrooper blasters, and Worf smiled his horrifying grin again.

CROW: [as Han] Please never smile again.

>They
>put on their helmets. "Are you sure this will work?" Worf asked over
>the mike

MIKE: Huh?

>in the stifling helmet. "Trust me," Han replied and they
>left.
> * * *
>"Sir, the tractor beam is down," Geordie informed Picard from Ops.
>"Good get some distance between us," Picard ordered

TOM: So Geordi walked to the other end of the bridge.

>standing and
>looking in awe at the ship. "Bearing 180 mark 6." "Full impulse,
>engage." The _Enterprise_ backed quickly away from the Star
>Destroyer.

ALL: [singing] Star trekkin' across the universe/Only going forward
'cause we can't find reverse!

>The bridge crew was in awe at the sheer size of the beast.
>It was at least as large as any of the Borg ships they'd come in
>contact with.

CROW: But not quite as square.

>"She seems pretty slow to respond sir," Geordie said.
>"They are just now channeling power to their weapons systems.

CROW: They called the psychic friends network. Ha! Get it?
Because it's channelling, see, and um... it... er... heh...

>"Raise
>shields," Riker said. "Shields up." "Hail them," Picard ordered
>"Sir, do you think that's wise? Remember what happened last time?"

MIKE: [as Picard] Actually, no. Funny thing, that.

>Deanna cautioned. "Luke Skywalker says that Vader must have visual
>contact with a person to do that."

TOM: [as Picard] Explain away, Counselor! Nice work.

>"Good point, counselor. Audio
>only." The deep menacing voice boomed over the speakers accompanied
>with the eerie breathing.

MIKE: [as Vader] Luuuuuuuuke... I am your father... oh, LINE!

>"Your efforts to escape are futile.
>Surrender your vessel and prepare to turn over the traitors you are
>harboring." Picard's voice shot out like a bullet,

CROW: Piercing Riker's heart and killing him instantly.

>"We are holding no
>one. Your actions constitute an act of war.

TOM: Dem's fightin' woids!

>You will return the
>members of our reconnaissance team and you will return to where you
>came from or risk destruction. Is that clear," He glanced at Troi. She
>shook her head.

MIKE: [as Troi] Even I don't get it, sir.

>Vader's answer came in the form of turbolaser blasts
>into the shields. "Damage report," Riker barked.

CROW: He is sort of a dog, come to think of it.

>"Shields holding."
>"Ready phasers and photon torpedoes," Riker ordered. "Geordie, can
>you guess where to target that might do some damage?"

CROW: [as Geordi] Uuhh... his head? Oh, you mean the *ship*.

>"I can try sir,
>if they have any decent shielding, they should be pretty safe, I can find
>some good spots to work on though." "Fire at will, let them know
>we're not defenseless."

TOM: [as Riker] Stupid, but not defenseless.

> Phasers lanced out from the _Enterprise_ and
>photon torpedoes knocked at the turbo laser batteries and the main
>docking bay. The _Nosferatu_ continued its assault on the
>_Enterprise_ as well.
> * * *
>"It sounds like Vader didn't much like Captain Picard's ultimatum,"
>Leia stated the painfully obvious.

CROW: So far, she's been good at that.

>"Could this be the something bad
>that's happening?"

MIKE: [as Lando] Hmm... we're being fired at... no, I think that's
good.

>Lando brow was furrowed in concentration. "Maybe,
>but we're supposed to wait for the bridge to say something..." He was
>cut off as the direct line comlink bleeped. "It appears General that
>they didn't believe us," Picard's voice crackled through the sensor
>deflection field. "I think you might be right Captain," Lando
>replied. "We could probably give them something more to think about."
>"I think you may be right,"

TOM: Well, now that we've all agreed that everyone is right....

>Picard paused. "On my mark, we'll blow the
>main shuttlebay doors and you should have a direct line to their
>bridge." "We'll come out in a ball of fire,

MIKE: Jerry Lee Lewis is on board.

>give us a few seconds to
>get systems on line. Calrissian out. Chewie, Leia get in the Quads,
>fire them up. We're going to talk to Vader."

CROW: [as Leia] But I thought we were going to go *fight*
Vader!

>He clicked on the
>comlink. " Luke, Wedge, get ready, we're blasting out of here, let's
>focus targets on the shield generators. We'll be at the bridge when
>the doors blow." "Copy, General," Wedge replied. "Got it, Lando. May
>the Force be with you." "You too, kid.

CROW: [as Lando] Since Han's not here, I have to say "kid" a lot.

>We're all set _Enterprise_."
> * * *
>"Copy, _Millenium Falcon_, stand by." Picard sat down in his chair.
>"Move to the rear of the ship and set a course for just above them.
>Stay there for a minute and give me a split second burst of

MIKE: [as Picard] ...hysterical laughter.

>high
>warp," Picard ordered the helm. Riker smiled broadly at the Captain,
>who shrugged in return.

TOM: Am I the only one who's puzzled by that exchange?

>"Mr. LaForge, the instant we come out of
>warp, blow the main shuttle bay doors." "Aye, sir."
> * * *
>The _Enterprise_ nonchalantly moved to the rear of the _Nosferatu_ and

CROW: ... goosed it!

>was suddenly in two place at once.

MIKE: You know, I'm having a hard time picturing this.

>The main shuttlebay of the upper
>_Enterprise_ erupted in a cloud of debris

TOM: Only you can prevent foreign object damage!

>and laser bolts as the
>_Millenium Falcon_ and the two X-wings shot out and engaged the
>_Nosferatu_ at point blank. The _Nosferatu_ was slow to notice, but
>soon the all-too-familiar green turbolasers spat out at the new series
>of foes.

TOM: Is anyone else wondering what all those TIE fighters
are doing during all this?
CROW: No.
MIKE: Don't borrow trouble, that's my motto.

> * * *
>As Han, Data and Worf made their way down the corridors, suddenly the
>air was filled with klaxons

CROW: Why doesn't one of those klaxons make itself useful and
whang Han in the head?

>and flashing red lights. The corridors
>were soon flooded with troopers, officers and pilots. running to
>battlestations. The three blended right in and made their way to the
>brig. Han got a peek inside as a guard left.

TOM: [as Han] Hubba hubba! The prisoners have sure improved
since the last time I was here.

>It was guarded
>relatively sparsely, Only two officers and two guards in the cell bay.
>Kira and O'Brien apparently weren't very high security prisoners,
>which relieved Han as he remembered the fiasco with Leia on the Death
>Star.

MIKE: Remembered? He's living it.

>He ducked back to Data and Worf, "There are four of them. This
>is going to have to be quick." "Agreed, General." Data acknowledged.
>Worf nodded in his helmet as well.

TOM: [as Worf] Whew! Shouldn't have taken that cold medicine. It's
making me drowsy.

>"We'll wait until we get inside
>and the door closes behind us." They headed for the door. It slid
>open and they walked in. One of the officers looked over his shoulder.
>"Who are you?" he asked straightening up.

TOM: Where are you taking that... thing?
CROW: Stop that, Tom. It's creepy.

>The other officer turned and
>the two stormtroopers moved into the control area. Han pointed down
>the cell bay, "Hey! Get back in your cell." All eyes turned and the
>three of them opened fire.

MIKE: [as Han] I can't believe you fell for that!

>Worf tore off his helmet and yelled a
>ferocious Klingon battle yell, and polished off the last, very
>startled officer. "You and Chewie would get along great," Han
>muttered under his breath

CROW: No, Chewie already tried to kill him, remember?
MIKE: Hush, now. We're almost there.

>looking over the computer readouts
>"Nineteen-four-six and eight."

TOM: Let's see... World War II was just ending, the United States
was extending its cultural and commercial influence...

>Worf and Data rushed down the bay and
>opened the doors. Kira looked at Data in his stormtrooper outfit as
>the door opened and stiffened, until Data's he removed his helmet.

TOM: [as Leia] Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
CROW: TOM!
MIKE: Crow's right, Tom. That's just *weird*.

>"I
>am Lt. Cmdr Data from the U.S.S. _Enterprise_. I am here to rescue
>you." Kira heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" she stood and
>followed Data, Worf and O'Brien back to the control room.
> * * *
>"Luke!" Wedge snapped into his mike. We've got company at 7 o'clock."

MIKE: You'd better have your room straightened by then. Do you
understand, young man?

>"I see them!" Luke replied. "I've got six. You?" "Yeah! That's about
>right. I'll get the three on the left." "I'm on right!"

TOM: Bear left at the fork in the road.
CROW: Right, frog!

>The two
>X-wings banked apart and split the TIE Interceptor pack apart.

TOM: So I guess I should be careful what I wish for, huh?
MIKE: Something like that.

>Luke
>destroyed two of his, but the third made a run for it. Chewbacca
>picked it off as it crossed the path of the _Falcon_. Wedge picked off
>two also, but the third got behind him. "Luke!" "I see him Wedge,
>I'll be right there. Break hard right!" Wedge reached for the
>controls, but his arm cramped up.

MIKE: Ooo. That's why you need to stretch before you go into
battle.

>"What the..." he tried to move, but
>couldn't make his arm do what it needed to do. Suddenly his mind was
>twisted around itself. "Wedge! He's firing!" Luke screamed into the
>mike. The TIE fired and set Wedge's tail ablaze. "Eject!"

CROW: Power! Power! Wave off! Eject eject eject!

>Wedge,
>shocked by the explosion, reflexively hit his eject just as the ship
>exploded around him. He was knocked unconscious. Luke watched as the
>TIE slowed and picked up the ejection compartment with a tow cable and
>fled back to the _Nosferatu_. "General, they've captured Wedge."

TOM: [as Lando]. Oh. Well, no great loss, then.

>"Are
>you sure he's still alive?" Lando asked without thinking.

MIKE: Like that's anything new.

>"Yeah,"
>Luke answered, "He's unconscious though." "I don't think there's
>anything we can do right now," Lando said, hating it. Luke swallowed,
>"I know." He joined Lando's assault on the _Nosferatu_.

CROW: Oh, why don't they just drive a stake through its heart and
get it over with?

> * * *
>"We can't get a positive lock. There's too much shielding and
>structure in the way," Geordie said staring at the monitor trying to
>find a way around it. "We will attempt to make our way to another
>location. Security has, however been alerted to our presence here,"
>Data acknowledged over the speaker. "We'll keep trying Data, LaForge
>out." "Move the ship to assist the _Millenium Falcon_'s efforts on
>the shield generators," Picard ordered. "It appears that they are
>breaking through."

MIKE: [singing] Break on through to the other side....

>"Aye, sir," Ro keyed in the new course.

TOM: GAH! A new character this late in the game?

>The
>_Enterprise_ moved to a position above the _Nosferatu_ and began
>firing.
> * * *
>"Captain," Lt. Gerrad said,

CROW: *Two* new characters!
TOM: The author's really playing fast and loose with my patience
here.

>"They are starting to wear through the
>shields. Shall I increase shield strength?"

TOM: [British] Intensify forward fire power.
CROW: Tom! Yeesh.

>"No, that would require
>lowering their strength elsewhere, with the maneuverability of the
>other ship, we can't risk that.

TOM: [Imperial officer] A simple "no" would do.

>Launch another wing of fighters. The
>last ones did some good..." Vader had moved behind him and

MIKE: ...began to massage his neck.

>interrupted him now. "No, it was not your pilot, I manipulated the
>rebel's mind and let your fighter have a clean shot."

TOM: Wait, I thought he had to be able to see the guy to
manipulate him.
MIKE: Oh, just relax and go with it, Tom.

>Drekker turned
>to face Vader. "I see my lord, perhaps it could be done again?" "No

MIKE: [as Vader] ...we've already used that plot device. Find another
one.

>the last pilot is Luke Skywalker and he is strong with the Force. You
>will have to find another way of dealing with him.

TOM: [as Vader] I helped you once, and I don't want to help you
anymore. So nyah.

>Don't let him
>escape, Captain," with that, he turned and left the bridge.

CROW: [as Vader] I'll be over on Deep Space Nine, in one of
those holosuites I've heard so much about.

>"Launch
>two more wings of fighters. Let them deal with that," Captain Drekker
>looked at the monitor. "Captain, the prisoners have escaped. Security
>is closing in on them, but they are somewhat elusive." "How did they
>escape?" Drekker's brow furrowed.

CROW: Uh, see, sir, they got out. Absconded. Vamoosed. You know.

>"Unknown, sir. The new prisoner has
>just been brought aboard. He is on his way to sickbay, he is
>unconscious." "Double the security." "Yes, sir."
> * * *

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