MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 5/9
a.ca...@genie.com
>Chapter Eight
>
> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard began his inspection in the same place
>he had for the past ten years in ships Marrissa was on.
Crow: Her underwear drawer.
>"This is the cleanest I've ever seen your room, Marrissa," he commented.
>"Rank hath it's privileges, I see."
> "What makes you say that, Admiral?" Captain Riker replied.
Mike [Picard]: "Oh, jutht a little lithp."
> "She had the ship's Steward in recently," the Fleet Admiral
>replied. "You will note the smell of lemon in the air."
Tom: "I love the smell of lemon in the morning! It smells like-- danishes."
> "I noticed," Riker replied. "It really must have been a mess."
> "Lets just say that I've had a hard time preserving my virginity
>the last couple nights," Marrissa replied.
All: *gag* *retch* *choke*
Mike: There's nothing a father likes more than hearing about his teenage
daughter's late-night sexcapades.
> "That rowdy, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "If your not
>careful Marrissa, you'll end up presenting me with my first grandchild
>with in a year."
> "It's already on my list of goals," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Ah, yes. From "Captain at 25" to "Pregnant at 18". You've come a long
way, Rissa baby.
> "Marrissa, you are really spreading yourself thin," her father
>replied. "Captain, Princess, soon-to-be a Wife and you want to add
>Mother to that ASAP. If you are not careful you will be forced to
>retire from Starfleet due to other commitments."
Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up or I'll have =you= committed, old man! I've got
an application to the Addled Admirals' Nursing Home just waiting for my
signature!"
> "Dad, you've been saying that for years now," Marrissa
>responded. "Has anything stopped me yet?"
Nine: "I mean, if things at work get too hectic I'm sure the baby can take
care of itself for a few hours! What could happen?"
> "No, to tell the truth, I don't know anything that's even slowed
>you down," Jean-Luc Picard answered.
Mike: "Well, maybe the Quaaludes."
>"But something has to give sometime."
> "Maybe, Dad," Marrissa said. "By the way Captain Riker, is
>there truth to the rumor that your leaving the Enterprise next year?"
> "Actually it's closer to a half of a year now," Riker responded.
Crow: Good thinking, Will! Maybe Marrissa won't have to have you knocked
off after all.
>"Admiral, I though you were trying to keep it secret?"
> "So it is true," Marrissa smiled.
> "Yes, and I want to know where you heard it," Fleet Admiral
>Picard asked.
Nine: "Easy! I bugged his office!"
> "In the docking bay lounge of the Utopia Planate Ship Design Station,
>right after the lecture on the new Nova class design," Marrissa said. "I
>overheard it from a conversation between Captains Morris and Shelby.
Mike: "Lucky for me I just so happened to be under that desk!"
>By the way, who are your leading candidates for replacing him?"
> Admiral Picard began, "Captain Chelsea Crusher of the Clinton,
>Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Stargazer, Captain Mary Szustakowski of
>the Roanoke, Commander Worf, Commander Michael Walsky, Commander Lavelle..."
> "Stop kidding her, Admiral," Riker interrupted. "You know she's
Tom: "--completely flippin' =insane=!"
>after my chair."
> "What ever gave you that idea, Captain?" Captain Marrissa Picard
>replied with false innocence.
Crow: She's been practicing that voice on Jay for months now.
Mike: Of course, everyone knows she =really= wants to be President of
Acquisitions for Gracen & Gracen.
> "Your living room," Riker replied.
> "That would be a good reason ... if it didn't sound so
>ridiculous," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Are you kidding? This is a Ratliff story! The whole thing sounds
ridiculous!
> "So, Admiral, tell her the real short list," Riker said.
> "Captain Marrissa Picard, starship Endeavor, no competition,"
>Jean-Luc Picard responded.
Crow: Hey, that =is= a real short list!
>"And no accusing me of basis,
Mike: Oh, we're all well aware there's no good basis for that decision.
>a panel of 13 Admirals searched though all of Starfleet to find the best
>captain for the Flagship and told me and I quote. 'Captain Marrissa Picard
>embodies the spirit of Starfleet.
Tom [droning]: "She is much better than CATS. I'm going to see her again and
again."
>She knows how to negotiate, when to follow rules and when those rules do not
>apply.
Crow: "She knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em, knows when to walk
away and knows when to run."
>She has boundless penitence
Nine: She's riddled with guilt?
>and is not intimidated. She knows how to promote peace, but also how
>to fight when fighting becomes necessary.
Tom: "She knows fifty-six ways to kill a man, and fifty-two of them hurt."
>We could find no other whose abilities and traits are as exceptional.'"
> "I wouldn't have given me any of those accolades," Marrissa
>replied honestly. "Especially the boundless penitence comment.
Mike: "I regret nothing!"
>I'm sure that those Naklab Sel Rahc I've mediated would say otherwise."
> "Those Naklab Sel Rahc scare away other mediators within the
>first day," Jean-Luc Picard responded.
Crow: "Why, their table manners =alone=..."
>"You've now worked with them for a couple months total."
> "Yea, and I don't get anything done until I lose my patience,"
>Marrissa said. "Last time I locked them in the room until they agreed
>to something."
Tom: From the way he keeps harping on it I'm beginning to get the sense that
Ratliff actually thinks he's hit upon the solution to any and all diplomatic
disputes.
> "Unique approach, Marrissa," Riker said. "I'll have to remember it."
Mike: Yeah, well, the Unabomber has a unique approach to things too.
> "It worked," Marrissa shrugged.
>
> Late that night as Marrissa was preparing for bed, the third watch
>commander,
Tom: Who watches the watch commanders?
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko called, "Bridge to Captain Picard."
> "Yes, Alex?"
> "The Queen of Essex is calling, Marrissa," the Chief of Operations
>replied.
Crow: Dr. Ruth? Cool!
Mike: Essex, Crow. Essex.
Crow: Aw, that's nowhere near as much fun.
> "Patch her in here," Marrissa yawned.
> Queen Victoria appeared in one of the short lacy dresses she
>preferred.
Nine: More importantly, demographic research showed that they were preferred
by males 18 to 34.
"Sorry to wake you Marrissa."
> "Actually, I was just readying myself for bed," Marrissa said.
>"I assume you are calling about some last minute detail of my wedding?"
> "Actually I'm calling about my problem," the Queen responded.
Tom: "What about =my= needs, huh? When do I get some me time?"
>"I need to get William to propose to me.
Crow: "You're good at crushing the wills of men! What do you suggest?"
>I know he wanted to marry me before I became Queen, I've got the letter my
>Grandfather wrote giving him permission. And after that kiss tonight, well
>those feelings haven't waned in the last decade."
> "Let me guess, you think your position is the problem," Marrissa
>replied.
Nine: "Have you considered something in a female-dominant?"
>"Don't take the way out that one of your ancestors did, I have enough to do
>without a throne."
Crow: Yeah, who needs the burden of no responsibilities whatsoever dumped on
them?
> "I'm not following old Edward VIII of Great Britain," Victoria
>replied.
Nine: Into the grave? Oh, you'll follow him eventually, my dear.
>"I'd end up without a throne or a husband."
> "Then I suggest we make it so he has no choice in the matter,"
>Marrissa said.
Mike: "I'll get the AK-47. Have him strapped to the chair by the time I get
there."
>"In diplomacy, you learn a lot of ways to make sure that all sides get what
>they want.
Nine: "I find lies, threats and appalling acts of brutality work best."
>Of course you have to overrule all of their objections, first.
Tom: "This is easily done by attaching electrodes to their genitals."
>It looks like it's time to get rid of the Prime Ministers objections and get
>him to do what he has been denying for too long.
Crow: You mean come out? Wouldn't that be counterproductive?
> "Perfect," Victoria responded. "I'll leave it up to you to
>arrange the sweeping away of his objections.
Mike: Isn't that what Tonya Harding said?
Tom: Pamela Smart, maybe.
>Essex out."
>
Tom: And so are we. C'mon, let's go.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Nine are hanging out by the desk. Enter Mike.]
Mike: Have you noticed how Ratliff has a rather scary implicit timeline for
his characters' lives? Everyone discovers their soulmate long before they
reach puberty, they get hitched in their mid-teens or so and then start
poppin' out babies before they hit the big two-oh! By the time they're 25
it's time to start looking into nursing homes.
Nine: I know. Gail Sheehy would have a cerebral hemorrhage.
Mike: Okay, so it's not all bad.
Crow: Well, Mike, not only have we noticed this trend, but I've taken the
liberty of putting together a little production about it! In honor of
Ratliff, I call it "Segassap". Cambot, lights?
[Lights go down, spotlight on Crow and Nine.]
Crow [stammering adolescent voice]: "Gee Marrissa prom sure has been swell!"
Nine [same voice as Crow]: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my
virginity the last couple nights."
Crow: "Marrissa will you marry me."
Nine: "What took you so long Jay."
Mike: Shouldn't there be a question mark or two in there somewhere?
Crow: No. I'm staying faithful to the Ratliff oeuvre.
[Enter Gypsy, wearing a clerical collar.]
Gypsy: "Do you Jay take Marrissa to be your lawfully wedded wife to love
honor cherish obey and worship for as long as you both shall live."
Crow: "I do."
Gypsy: "Do you Marrissa take Jay to be your lawfully wedded husband to
dominate command and toy with as your own personal plaything for as long
as you both shall live."
Nine: "I do."
Gypsy: "Then by the power invested in me by the Federation I now pronounce
you man and wife. Jay you may kiss the bride."
Nine: Lacking any sort of corporeal form, I'll have to skip that part.
Mike: Understandable.
Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last
couple nights."
Crow: That was Nine's line, Gypse. And she already said it. The scene's
over.
Gypsy: "Oh Marrissa baby you gots a body that just don't quit."
Crow: That was =my= line! Look, let's just skip to scene five. Where's Tom?
Tom [from offstage]: No! I'm not doing this! You can't make me!
Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last
couple nights."
Crow: Tom, get out here before Gypsy reads that line again!
[Enter Tom, wearing a diaper. He also has a pacifier in his mouth.]
Tom: This is the most humiliating thing you've ever made me do.
Crow: Just read your line.
Tom: *sigh* "Waah! Waah!"
Nine: "And they said I couldn't be a starship captain and have a baby at
the same time!"
Mike: Didn't Marcus Aurelius say something about not siring more than three
children on your wife before she's fully grown?
Crow: No riffing on the sketch, Nelson.
Tom: "Waah! Waah!"
Crow: "And here we are, bound to each other for the rest of our lives and
saddled with a mouth to feed at an age when most kids our age have barely
started college and our acne hasn't cleared up yet! Isn't it great?"
Gypsy: "This message has been brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-Day Saints!"
Crow: Gypsy, we cut that line in rehearsal. Remember?
Gypsy: No one faxed me my script changes.
Tom: Can I take off this stupid diaper now?
Crow: *sigh* I guess. So what'd you think, Mike?
Mike: Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my lunch the last couple
minutes.
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Chapter Nine
>
> William Lancaster, Prime Minister of Essex for most of the last
>dozen years, was in his study working on official documents. He paused
>to look at the picture of his desk. It was of Victoria, laughing at
Tom: --"The Family Circus". That Jeffy is a hoot!
>some joke he had made. William wished for the simpler times like
Mike: --the 50's. Back before computers, and ethnic minorities...
>those before she had ascended the throne.
> Not that Victoria had become any less affectionate. In fact, if
>anything she had become more affectionate.
Nine: Though the way she was constantly humping his leg got kind of annoying
after a while.
>It just wasn't appropriate for the Queen to date or heaven forbid, marry her
>Prime Minister ... a fact Victoria couldn't seem to grasp.
> Not that William didn't love Victoria, If it weren't for the fact
>that she was Queen, he would have proposed to her years ago.
Tom: But the second they put the crown on her head, bang, instant frumpy.
>In fact, he had planned to do so the Saturday after the Royal Family
>Reunion. Unfortunately, the Palace got blown up
Crow: "It got blowed up real good!"
>and he attended Victoria's coronation instead.
> Suddenly the sound of a transporter beam filled the air. Looking up
>from Victoria's picture, he caught the dwindling transporter effect
>surrounding the blond Starfleet Captain.
Nine: Actually, that's her divine aura. You can tell by all the seraphim and
cherubim fluttering around.
>Although he had not seen Princess Marrissa since she was 16, it wasn't like
>there was a lot of young Starship Captains who had the remotest of reasons
>to beam into the Prime Minister's study.
Mike: Except for Captain Billy, his "special friend."
> "Princess Marrissa, I presume?" William Lancaster inquired.
> "Correct, Mister Lancaster," Marrissa replied with the practiced
>air of command.
Tom: Yeah, she practices in the mirror for twenty minutes every morning.
>"Although I prefer just plain Marrissa, or that new nickname Jay just came
>up with, Mara and Captain isn't a bad title either."
Mike: "And of course even though my name is McGill, I call myself Lil, and
everyone knows me as Nancy."
> "OK, Marrissa," Lancaster responded. "What brings you to my study?"
Crow [Marrissa]: "Gotta try out the bumper pool table!"
> "A promise I made Victoria," Marrissa said. "Now it's for the
>game show, Justification."
Nine: "Now where's the host? Gene, where'd Bob go? He isn't backstage
feeling up the models again, is he?"
Tom: Help control the game show host population. Have Bob Barker spayed and
neutered.
>Marrissa raised her voice. "Victoria, what will William be justifying
>today?"
Mike: The plot, I hope.
Tom: Sorry. Can't be done.
> Queen Victoria entered the room, and said, "Today William will
>be justifying his lack of marriage."
> "And what is he playing for?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: "A NEEEEEWWWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!"
> "Love," Victoria stated.
> "Well William, can you justify?"
Tom: "--my love?"
Crow: "Look at the unit on that guy!"
>Marrissa questioned.
> "It wouldn't be right for me to marry the woman I love," William
>replied.
> "And why would that be?" Marrissa inquired.
Nine [William]: "Because I prefer my sex meaningless and degrading!"
> "It's a matter of propriety," William responded. "Their are
>just some people that a Prime Minister can't marry without a scandal."
Mike: I believe we can safely begin the list with RuPaul.
> "Prostitute, Nun, or if your really strict the Queen," Marrissa
>stated. "Please narrow that list down."
> "Well she's not a prostitute,
Crow: "She's a professional escort! There's a difference!"
>in fact I believe she is a virgin," William said.
Nine: I see William has yet to meet the royal pool guy.
>"As for a nun, well she's religious but not that religious."
Tom: "It's basically a sham piety. You know, like televangelists!"
> "That leaves the Queen," Marrissa said. "Well Victoria, it
>looks like we know the hurdle you need to clear."
> "High but clearable," Victoria replied.
Mike: Unless you're Dan O'Neill.
>"How busy has your press office been?"
> "Busy, but I have what you need," Marrissa responded. "Clara!"
> Princess Clara Sutter entered the room on cue. "What is this a
>conspiracy?" The Prime Minister asked.
> "No,
Nine: "--it's an intervention. We've got a car out front waiting to take you
to Betty Ford."
>just family," Victoria commented.
> Looking up at the ceiling, the Prime Minister said, "And I'm
>considering marrying into this family?"
> "The hurdle just lowered," Marrissa announced. "Admitting is
>half the battle.
Crow: I thought knowing was half the battle.
>Now the poll please?"
> Clara began, "20,000 citizens of Essex were asked the following
>question: What would be their opinion of a marriage between the Queen
>and the Prime Minister?
Mike: "Top five answers on the board! Lurlene, you're up first!"
>75 percent said 'Their finally doing it, Its about time.' 24 percent said,
>'You mean the're not already married.' One percent
Tom: --actually knew how contractions worked and refused to appear in this
story.
>had no opinion. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus three
>percent."
> "You realize that by conducting this poll you've made it almost
>impossible for him not to propose to me?" the Queen commented.
Nine: Yeah! Nothing makes you more attractive than displays of overt
manipulation and treating people as if they had no will of their own!
> "I said I'd help you kick him into action," Marrissa said. "And
>I don't do half measures. Come on Clara, I think its time to take a
>look at all those wedding presents that keep arriving." Marrissa and
>Clara left the room.
Mike: "Blender... blender... blender..."
> "So Tory, are you ready to deliver your ultimatum?" William asked.
> "No, I'm just going to give this letter and ask you to read it
>out loud to me," Victoria said.
Crow [William]: "No, no, don't you see? I can't! I can't read! That's why
I couldn't marry you -- it's my secret shame!"
>"I'm sure you remember it, I found it in the to be shredded tray a couple
>days after my coronation."
Nine: "And as you know, private documents are fair game!"
> "It's dated about a week before your ascension," William said as
>he began to read the letter:
>
Mike: "Hmm. 'Best Before 9/26/78.'"
>Dear William,
>In response to your letter requesting the hand of my granddaughter, Lady
>Victoria. We say Its about time. Marry her with my blessing. Just don't
>let her find out until she's in your bed, I have a reputation to keep.
Tom: Uhhh... WHAT?
>Good luck with Tory signed
Crow: --Aaron Spelling.
>George Rex.
>
> "That and that kiss you gave me last night was what made me
>give Marrissa the go ahead," Victoria said, smiling.
> "Meet me by the lily pond in the west garden at 8 tonight,"
>William said.
Nine: "I'll be the one floating face down in it."
>"If I have no more excuses I intend to do everything else right."
> "I will be there," Victoria said and after a quick kiss, she
>left to join her cousins, Marrissa and Clara.
Crow: Why'd she kiss =them=?
Mike: Actually, the kiss was unspecified. For all we know Marrissa and Clara
were kissing each other. You know, like the pool scene in KIDS.
Tom: Jeez, how many KIDS references is that? It wasn't even a very good
movie.
>
> After leaving and checking on the incoming wedding presents,
Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type who calls her answering machine
every ten minutes when she's out of town?
>Marrissa beamed back up to the Endeavor and returned to the bridge.
>"Good morning, Jay," she said entering from the forward turbolift. "You
>should see the pile of accumulating wedding gifts."
Mike: "Speaking of which, I'd better go check them again." *twitch* *twitch*
> "I've heard, we'll be busy for weeks trying to decide what to
>keep," her first officer and husband-to-be replied with a kiss.
Crow: Wow! Stereo!
>"More starships have arrived."
> "Which ones?" Marrissa asked.
> "The Clinton, the Defiant, the Pasteur, and the Gorkon," Jay
>replied.
Mike [singing]: o/~ One of these ships is not like the other, three of these
ships are kind of the same... o/~
> "Captain Chelsea Crusher, Admiral Sisko, Mom's ship, and Captain
>Dax's," Marrissa matched up. "Hail Captain Crusher for me."
> The daughter of President Clinton and wife of Wesley Crusher
>appeared on screen.
Nine: Excuse me? What's Chelsea Clinton doing hanging out with Wesley's
wife?
Tom: *whisper* *whisper*
Nine: WHAT??
>She was holding her month-old daughter, Kasey in her arms, bottle feeding
>her.
Mike: Thank God.
Crow: Now if it were one of the Gore girls it might be a different story...
>"Captain Chelsea Crusher, starship Clinton, how may I help you, Captain
>Picard?"
> "Just calling to see how you and my older brother are doing,"
>Marrissa replied.
> "Fine, except for the fact that little Kasey is keeping us up
>nights," Chelsea replied.
Tom: "Oh, and except for the fact that my presence in this story is
COMPLETELY LUDICROUS!!"
>"I think Wes is beginning to regret his plan to keep me out of away teams."
> "Don't give my first officer any ideas," Marrissa responded.
>"We've got a successful alternating away team rule here, and I don't
>want to ruin it."
> "Trust me, Marrissa, within a year Kasey will have a cousin
Crow: STOP IT! No more harping on Marrissa's imminent pregnancy! I don't
think I'll ever feel clean again.
>and Jay will be leading the away teams," Chelsea replied. "I speak from
>experience."
> "I hope not," Marrissa responded. "Leading Away Teams is one of
>the more enjoyable duties I've had in Starfleet."
Nine: "I mean, blowing starships into so much slag is all good fun, but
there's just a certain something to taking lives with your own bare hands!"
> "Well on the Clinton, that duty is now almost excessively the
>providence
Mike: Oh, Stephen, when will you learn to leave the thesaurus alone until you
learn how to use it?
>of Lieutenant Commander Wesley Crusher," Chelsea said.
> "Where is my brother, anyway?" Marrissa asked.
> "He's over on the Enterprise, discussing something with Captain
>Riker," Chelsea replied. "He was very closemouthed as to what."
Crow: Not to mention foulmouthed.
> "I think it's the bachelor's party," Marrissa replied. "And I
>know for a fact that it won't go as planned if the continue to try to
>hide it from me."
Nine: "I've had every stripper in the galaxy killed and their corpses
dismembered!"
> "How are you going to manage that?" Chelsea asked.
> "Sorry, I can't tell in front of my bridge crew," Marrissa replied.
Tom: "They're all against me! They've got a radio implanted in my brain!"
> "Understandable," Captain Crusher said. "Come over to see your
>new niece, and we will discuss how to ruin parties which tried to hide
>from us."
Mike: "No one may have fun except for us!"
> "I'll be over in an hour," Marrissa replied. "Endeavor out."
> "You wouldn't actually ruin a party, would you?" Jay asked when
>the channel had been closed.
Crow: Are you kidding? She ruins parties just by showing up.
> "Just those that didn't inform me that they were going on," Marrissa
>answered. "If you let me know the time, the place, and some other minor
>details;
Tom: "Where is this party? Dave's house? And will his parents be there?
And what does his father do? And what does his mother do? And how much
money do they make? And will there be boys there? I mean, girls? And no
loud rock music, right? You know I can't stand that loud rock music.
Shameful!"
>I'll leave it alone. Be sure to pass the message along to Captain Riker.
>You have the bridge, Jay. I'll be on the Clinton."
Nine: That's what Paula Jones said.
>
> Meanwhile in the Romulan Strategy Room on Romulus, an officer
>noticed something.
Crow: "Check it out! That Hyundai's going 110 miles an hour!"
>A large number of ships were gathering around the Federation Planet Essex,
>less that a score of light years from the Neutral Zone.
Tom: Umm... doesn't that mean that the ships were gathering there twenty
years ago?
Crow: This is Star Trek, Servo. What do you expect, halfway plausible
physics? Ha!
>He quickly alerted his superiors as to the build up.
Mike: "Captain! Admiral! We need to switch to a new conditioner!"
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 6]