Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [8/8]
Matthew Blackwell
[Tom and Crow stand behind the console, watching a small TV set
atop the counter.]
TV: ...and I ask you; can we face our nation's issues regarding
transportation without dealing with the matter of all-terrain
vehicle emissions? Are we to consider these craft to be
placed in the same category as cars, or are we to consider
them to be motorcycles, or perhaps even snowmobiles? But,
let us first consider how this issue will effect our trade
deficit...
Crow: Whimper.
Tom: Wow. This is so dry that I'm surprised he's not desiccated.
[Mike enters and walks over to the bots.]
Mike: Hey guys. [Mike stares at the screen.]
TV: ...Unless, of course, we compensate for the increased fuel
efficiency of such vehicles, although that may be offset by
the environmental damage done with their use...
Mike: Um, why?
Crow: Well, after that last chapter, we were in the mood for
some more action.
Tom: And since Pete described the student council as being
such a den of Machiavellian intrigue, we figured that
Congress would be even more cut-throat. So we turned on
C-SPAN.
Crow: We've been disappointed so far.
Tom: Well, it looked like Zell Miller was going to start
something, but it turned out that he was just going to
get some water.
Crow: What's going on here, Mike?
Mike: Well guys, you're in luck as I happen to be an expert
on high school politics...
Crow: [dryly] Really?
Mike: Yep. You see...
Tom: And how are you suddenly an expert on this, huh, Mr.
Cheese Factory worker?
Mike: Because I'm the only one here who went to high school.
Crow: Oh. Yeah.
Tom: Point conceded. Go on.
Mike: No. Not until you acknowledge my superiority.
Crow: Fine, fine. You're superior to us, Mike.
Mike: Call me Professor Mike.
Tom: What? You've got to be kidding!
Mike: Say it.
Tom: [resignedly] Fine. Teach us, Professor Mike.
Mike: [beaming] Good bots. Anyway, Pete's view of high school
politics doesn't quite jibe with my observations.
Crow: How so?
Mike: Well, how did David get into the race?
Crow: Oh, David decided to run for the school Presidency in
a noble effort to empower the dispossessed special-ed
students in the school.
Mike: Right. But in *my* high school, most people got into
politics because somebody said, "Hey you're kind of
popular. Why don't you run for office?" Of course,
sometimes we told the unpopular kids that too, so that
they'd run and make fools of themselves...
Tom: So, how many times did you end up running?
Mike: [softly] Twice. [normal] But it looked good on my
college applications.
Crow: You didn't go to college.
Mike: Moving on, the reactions to David's running were a bit
off too.
Tom: So, most people don't hire a football team to
intimidate their opponents?
Mike: Not usually. They'd probably just say, "Oh. Isn't that
cute?" and then concentrate on whomever they're really
running against.
Crow: So how many times did they tell you that, Mike?
Tom: But, surely people hired hitmen to wipe out their
opposition!
Mike: Tom, this isn't the mirror universe. Or Chicago. People
tend not to do that in real life. Usually, the worst
thing that ends up happening might be a wedgie.
Tom: And the students were enthralled by the entire election
process, right?
Mike: Well, no. They seemed more concerned about whether or
not Cindy Williams was coming back to Laverne and
Shirley.
Crow: And I suppose that rock bands don't usually appear to
campaign for candidates either.
Mike: Actually, Carrie Wagner got REO Speedwagon to show up
when she was a junior...
Tom: So, basically, everything in the chapter was wrong.
Mike: Well, no. Actually, completely unqualified candidates...
Crow: ...like Quinn...
Mike: ...like Quinn... do get elected. Oh, and every once in
a while, there's an assembly.
Tom: Hey! Look at this!
[Cambot pulls back to show Tom watching the TV again. Crow
and Mike turn to watch the TV.]
Crow: Huh.
Mike: Wow.
Tom: Yeah, I never expected to see Ted Kennedy snap like
that.
Crow: I didn't even know that you could bludgeon someone with
a loaf of French Bread.
Mike: I saw that happen in High School too.
Crow: Did it hurt?
Mike: Yeah, especially when they buttered it. Boy, that stuff
stings.
Tom: Looks like the others are getting into the act too.
Mike: Boy, the Agriculture committee is kicking some boo-tay.
Crow: Well, they've been eating their vegetables.
[Crow begins to snicker as the signals begin to flash.]
Mike: Oh, I'll deal with you later. Right now, WE'VE GOT
GUERIN SIGN!!!!
[Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater and sit.]
Tom: Boy, it was impressive how Teddie was swinging those
chairs around.
Crow: I liked when Trent Lott started gavelling Chuck Shumer's
head.
Mike: Still, that bodyslam from Strom Thurmond was impressive.
Crow: That goes without saying.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 8: Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank God Almighty, I am Free
>at Last!
Tom: Hey, there must be an earthquake in Georgia.
Mike: Why?
Tom: Because I'm sure Dr. King is doing about 90,000 RPM over being
in any way associated with this.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The entire Morgendorffer, Lane and MacAllister families spent an
>overnight vigil at Quinn's bedside. She was in guarded condition.
Crow: Even if she was shot in the... breast?
>Daria couldn't help it, but she began to cry over Quinn.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Ow! Daria! Stop crying over my wound!
>"Don't go on me," she said. "You're the only person I can put down and
>get away with it."
>
Mike: No she's not! You do it all the time! To everyone!
Tom: For a moment, I thought the anti-Quinn slant would fade off,
but then this comes along...
>David said to Quinn, "You did the right thing, Quinn. Be strong."
>
>The Armisteads entered. Nathan knelt at Quinn's bedside and prayed:
>
Crow: [Nathan] Please bring Cats back to Broadway.
Tom: Wait, what about Rabbi Cohen? Are they trying to call in
some extra help here, or what?
>"Almighty God, I commend Quinn Morgendorffer to Your care.
Mike: Doctor God. This fall on UPN!
> If it be
>Your will, heal her. But if her time has come, accept her into Your
>Kingdom of grace with open arms.
Crow: [Nathan] Or just throw a chariot in the fire. That'll be cool
too.
> This I ask of you, Great Physician.
Crow: So Heaven is, in fact, a giant HMO?
Tom: Sorry, but your health coverage does not cover miracles.
You are entitled to this bottle of Advil, though.
>Amen."
>
>Suddenly, Quinn began to stir.
>
Mike: [Nathan] She's possessed! Get a priest and a young boy!
>"Where am I?," she began to say, "And why's everyone here?"
>
Tom: Yes, *everyone* was there! Including Helen Reddy!
Mike: Story Musgrave!
Crow: J.K. Rowling!
Tom: King Ranier!
Mike: The Captain and Tenille!
Crow: And Japan's new prime minister Junichiro Koizumi!
>Jake, Helen, Daria and David went to her and hugged her.
>
Tom: Squeezing more blood out of her until she died. The end.
>"Everything's going to be all right now, Quinn," Jake said to her.
>
Tom: [Jake] I got shot once. Dad said it'd build "character"!
>Quinn recovered over the next few days, then was released.
Crow: On bail or probation. Pick one.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>It was decided to reconvene the interrupted House of Homeroom
>Representatives meeting the next Monday. Quinn said she was going to
>make it.
Mike: And as we all know, gun wounds are quick to heal.
Tom: Yep, it was only a flesh wound. To the fleshy part of
the heart.
> Everyone was entering school that morning.
Crow: Yes, *everyone*! Even Robin Quivers!
Mike: The Smothers Brothers!
Tom: Jeff Bezos!
[Pause]
Mike: You guys think we've squeezed every last ounce out of
that gag?
Crow: Dunno. Let's keep going and see. Shields and Yarnell!
Mike: Caroline Kennedy Bissette!
Tom: Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar!
> Daria, Jane and
>David were heading in together, as usual. Suddenly, a student no one
>really knew came up to them.
>
Tom: Clint Eastwood *IS* the Student With No Name!
>"I need to speak to David alone, please," he said.
>
>"I've got a bad feeling about this," Daria warned him.
>
Mike: [Daria] We better get to the Misery Falcon.
>"I'll be OK," David replied. He went with the student. They went about
>a couple of hundred feet away.
>
Crow: For reasons too silly to understand.
>Daria watched them carefully. Suddenly, she saw the unidentified
>student take out something long and cylindrical. This wasn't good.
>
Mike: When is it *ever* good when someone takes out something long
and cylindrical in public?
>"DAVID! RUN FOR IT! NOW!," Daria yelled, running right towards them.
Tom: Crow, that must be some odd cookie dough container for Daria
to be THIS ballistic.
Crow: I know. Weird. What's with her.
>The unidentified student took the device and pushed the red button on
>top of it.
Tom: Ominously, a garage door opened.
> Suddenly, he and David vanished in a horrific explosion.
[All are taken aback.]
Crow: Ooooooooooookay. That makes no sense whatsoever.
Tom: Well, this plot twist certainly is... stupid.
Mike: Apparently, we now have suicide bombers blowing
up random students.
>Daria was knocked to the ground. Jane got to her and helped her up.
>Everyone was running to where they were.
>
Mike: Wouldn't everyone already be where they were?
>"DAVID! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," Daria screamed, then collapsed into Jane's
>arms, crying.
>
Crow: [Jane] Eww! Your mascara's getting all over me!
>"I know, I know," Jane replied, crying herself.
Tom: Well, we *don't* know! In fact, we have NO FLIPPING IDEA WHAT
HAPPENED!!!
Mike: It's simple. The noble, virtuous and self-sacrificing, if
somewhat kinky, hero was horribly murdered by an unknown,
never-before seen random character.
Tom: Well, thanks. Now I feel MUCH better!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Crow? You're awfully quiet over there. Are you okay?
Crow: Yeah, I'm fine.
Mike: You sure?
Crow: Mike, I knew he was going to die. I've read those
blasted appendices.
Mike: I thought we scrubbed your memory of those.
Crow: It didn't take. Anyway, I'm just surprised about
the way David died.
Mike: Oh. Well, it was a bit of...
Crow: ... I mean, who would have thought Pete would write
something so succinct? Boom! It's over. I would've
sworn he'd have David die from a months-long
terminal disease, or have him trapped in a well, or
ooh! How about an homage to Titanic with David
slowly slipping under the water?
Mike: Well, glad to see you're dealing with it.
>The investigation revealed that the student was a loner named Derek
>Jones.
Tom: Didn't he play baseball?
Crow: Why is it always the athletes who go nuts?
> He was a militia nut and read "Man of War Magazine".
Tom: Ah, the return of the militias. I wondered where they went.
Mike: He also wore black, listened to goth music like Insane Clown
Posse and Metallica, and watched "Basketball Diaries" a lot.
> He had
>gotten hold of some plastique and rigged a trigger. It was unknown if
>somehow Sandi had ordered this or not.
>
Crow: Tragically, no one had thought to save the receipt.
>The mood was somber at the MacAllister house. Warren and Deanna cried.
Tom: Just 'cuz they lost a kid?!? Weak!
Mike: It didn't help that two houses down, Sandi was playing
"Celebration".
>The Morgendorffers and the Lanes were there as well as the Armisteads.
>
Crow: And they cried too. Basically, everyone was crying.
>"There was nothing left of him," Warren said.
Mike: Only the memory of this tedious, depressing, soul-sucking
story.
Tom: He musta used one of those new-fangled Quantum pipebombs.
> "However, we bought a
>plot at Lawndale Cemetery and are going to set up a marker for him.
Crow: "Here lies David MacAllister - or at least this cupful of him."
>We're going to have a memorial service on Saturday."
>
>"We'll be there," Daria said, "and while we're going there, I want to
>go someplace rather symbolic."
>
Crow: The restaurant where she and David first kissed passionately?
Tom: Nah! Somewhere stupid instead!
>"I think I know what you're talking about," Jane said.
Tom: Of course! The LaBrea Tar Pits!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>That Saturday, the funeral procession slowly inched its way toward the
>cemetery.
Mike: Causing massive traffic jams.
> It went passed Sandi's house. Sandi had stepped outside to
>watch. She was free on bail pending trial.
>
Tom: Wait, so she hires a hit and tries to shoot someone right
in front of the entire school, and the cops STILL let her go?!
Crow: I'm amazed she hasn't already whipped out the mace!
>Suddenly, the Morgendorffers' and Lanes' cars stopped. The windows
>were rolled down. Daria and Jane stuck their heads out then raised
>their left fists up.
>
Mike: [George from "That's My Bush"] One of these days, Sandi,
I'm going to ...
All: PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!
>"You can kill the reformer,"
Crow: So THAT'S what happened to Rabbi Cohen!
> Daria said, "but you cannot kill the
>spirit of reform! SPECIAL EDUCATION STUDENTS POWER!"
>
Tom: With that, she transformed into Sailor Misery Chick and
punished Sandi in the name of sarcasm and bitterness.
Crow: [Sandi] Hey! I'm over here! You're yelling at Mrs.
McConnell's house!
>The procession resumed. Sandi went back inside, fuming.
Crow: She really needs to get her thousand mile tune-up.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>At the cemetery, the marker had been erected.
Mike: Oh, good. A callback to *that* scene.
[All shudder.]
> At the family's request,
>Nathan was going to conduct the ceremonies.
>
Mike: Okay guys, we're about to riff a funeral so I want you to be
on your best behavior.
Crow: Why? We've riffed funerals before.
Tom: Yeah. Remember the Princess Di shindig?
Mike: Yes, I remember. It's why we're no longer welcome in
England.
Crow: Oh, come on, Mike. It wasn't that bad.
Mike: Guys - the Queen offered 50,000 pounds for your heads!
She was going to have them mounted on pikes!
Tom: 50,000? Wow! Say, I've got some spare heads!
Crow: Me too!
Mike: Sigh.
>Nathan stood in front of the marker and began:
>
>"Ladies and gentlemen:
Tom: [Nathan] Please bear with us. This fanfic is slowly spiraling
down.
> we are here not to mourn the death of David
>MacAllister but to celebrate his life and to reaffirm our commitment
>to the goals he set himself out to achieve.
Mike: [Nathan] Namely, grabbing as much power as possible.
> He fell as a martyr for
>freedom for himself and other Special Education students.
Tom: Uh, no, he actually "fell" because of some nameless yahoo with
a vague agenda.
Crow: Fell. Exploded. Same thing, really.
> We must not
>let his death be in vain. If we do, then we will have lost
>everything."
>
Crow: [Nathan] That's why, in that same spirit, I'm announcing
my candidacy for Lawndale High Student Council President!
>A large contingent of Special Education students was present. They
>were weeping.
>
Mike: Yes, even the supporting cast has finally been bored to tears.
>Nathan then recited Psalm 23 and appropriate passages to comfort the
>mourners. "And now,"
Tom: [Nathan] I would like to sing a song from My Fair Lady.
> he said," Daria Morgendorffer will deliver the
>eulogy."
>
[All sigh, as Mike looks at his watch.]
Tom: [Daria] Ahem. Life sucks, then you die. Thank you.
>Daria, who was wearing a plain black dress, stood in front of the
>others and began to speak:
>
>"Thank you, Pastor Armistead. Ladies and gentlemen:
Crow: We are experiencing some political difficulties, but we
shall TRIUMPH! Oh wait, I'm supposed to talk about David.
> I only knew David
>for about a month.
Tom: [Daria] But if that test I took this morning is correct,
I will regret that little time for the rest of my life.
> But it seems I've known him for eternity.
Mike: Ditto for us.
> I have to
>admit I'm a cynical person, but David's positive attitude rubbed off
>on me.
Crow: Yeah, and that's not all that...
Mike: Crow, please! Not at the guy's funeral!
> David never gave up on his dream.
Crow: To own the New York Yankees...
> His dream was equality for
>Special Education students like himself. And for that, he was killed
>by students who thought their special privileges would be taken away
>from them if people like him got rights."
>
Tom: For those who were traumatized by the plot twist and forgot
what was going on, here's our recap.
Mike: They're assuming an awful lot here.
Crow: Well, you know, if two and two makes four, that's close
*enough* to nine for some people's tastes.
>"However, if we allow those who bully us scare us back into inaction,
>then we've lost this battle. We must not allow this to happen. We must
>continue the fight.
Mike: I think Daria just stopped talking about David now.
Tom: I thought this was a eulogy, not a political rally.
> We must convince the House of Homeroom
>Representatives to vote on the amendments and then campaign for the
>ratification of them in the referendum.
Crow: [Daria] And if that doesn't work, we'll just send in the Feds.
> We must not let David's death
>be in vain."
>
Tom: We also must not turn his eulogy into a policy initiative.
>Daria was now crying. She looked up and continued,
>
>"David, if you can hear me, I love you and I will miss you very much."
>
Mike: Until the next story.
>Daria couldn't continue. She went back to the crowd, Jane hugging her
>as she wept. Nathan then took his place again.
>
Mike: [Nathan] I just have some words - will someone with a Geo,
license plate AUI 89S, please turn off their lights?
>"I will now close this ceremony by singing 'Nearer, My God, to Thee'.
[All grumble.]
Crow: Look, you want to CELEBRATE or MOURN, not TORTURE!
>After which, all those with flowers can leave them at the base of the
>monument."
>
Crow: [Nathan] All those with cash, just fork it over now.
>Nathan began to sing:
>
Tom: [Nathan] o/~ Do, a deer, a female deer, Re, a drop of golden
sun! o/~
>"Nearer, my God, to Thee/Nearer, to Thee./
Mike: o/~ Hey God, whazzup? o/~
> E'en though it be a
>cross/That raiseth me./
Tom: Is it a cross or a stone?
Crow: It's a song, Servo.
> Still all my song shall be,/Nearer, my God, to
>Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, to Thee."
>
Mike: God must be getting extremely paranoid by now.
>"Tho' like the wanderer,/
Crow: o/~ I wander round and round and round and round and round! o/~
> The sun go down,/Darkness be over me,/My rest
>a stone,/Yet in my dreams I'd be/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, my
>God, to Thee, Nearer to Thee."
>
Crow: o/~ Remember, God, no matter what happens, I WILL FIND THEE! o/~
Tom: How nearer can you get?
>"There let my way appear/Steps unto hev'n,/All that Thou sendest me/In
>mercy given;/Angles to beckon me/
Mike: Sounds like an Acute case.
Tom: C'mon, Mike, you're just being Obtuse!
Crow: That's absolutely Right!
> Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, my
>God to Thee,/Nearer to Thee."
>
Tom: Not too close though! Just... nearer.
>"Then with my waking thoughts/Bright with Thy Praise,/Out of my stony
>griefs,/Bethel I'll raise./So by my woes to be/
Crow: Nearer?
> Nearer, my God, to
>Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer to Thee."
>
Mike: [God] But you've only stepped an inch!
Tom: o/~ It's all I need to be... Nearer to Thee. o/~
>"Or if on joyful wing,/Cleaving the sky,/Sun, moon and stars
>forgot,/Upward I fly,/Still all my song shall be/Nearer, my God, to
>Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer to Thee."
>
Tom: What is this, the "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" of hymns?
Crow: So are they there yet?
>There was silence as Nathan then said, "Let the grace of our Lord
>Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen." Then, a bagpiper began to play
>"Amazing Grace".
Tom: Yeah yeah yeah, then came the planes in missing man formation
and the riderless horses. Can we snap it up, please?!?
Mike: Of my friend, I can only say this... of all the souls
I have encountered in my travels, his was the most...
human.
Crow: You're looking at the wrong script, Mike.
> One by one, the mourners left flowers at the foot of
>the monument. Daria left some roses. She then left, Jake and Helen
>consoling her.
Tom: [Helen] There, there, honey. I'm sure some other person
you've never met before will enter your life, enlist
you in a cause and then get blown up.
> The Lanes paid their respects, while Rage Against the
>Machine
Mike: They're still around, after the hymn and the bagpipes? I guess
they're full of surprises.
> and the Straight-Edgers gave a power salute to their fallen
>comrade.
Crow: Then Keith Richards stopped by and poured a bottle of Scotch
whiskey on the ground.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>After the reception, Daria and Jane were in Daria's room, thinking on
>recent events.
>
Crow: [Daria] Stuff happened, we learned nothing. That's about it.
Buy you a slice?
Tom: [Jane] Eww... what's this gunk on the rug?
>"You know," Daria said, "Pastor Armistead is right.
Tom: [Daria] We ARE nearer to thee!
> If Sandi and the
>others bully the Special Education students into silence, we'll lost
>everything we gained."
>
Mike: Including our sentence structure, apparently.
>"I guess it just goes to prove that the system will always go back to
>its old ways like a gyroscope always goes back into equilibrium no
>matter how far you push it," Jane said.
>
Tom: Oooh, but if you push it far enough, it'll do a whole bunch
of cool little spins all over the floor.
Mike: And once more, Jane's secret study of physics pays off.
Crow: You wouldn't want her mentioning a clown-shaped bop-bag, would
you? It would just kill the mood.
>"Now what will we do?," Daria said.
>
Mike: [Daria] Let's beat up someone!
>"We'll have to wait and see what happens on Monday," Jane said.
>
>Alicia suddenly entered the room.
>
Tom: That's a very nice trick you did, Alicia! You gotta teach
it sometime!
>"Mrs. Armistead," Daria said, "what are you doing here?"
>
Crow: [Alicia] Beats me. One minute, I'm home doing lesson plans,
and the next, the author's whipping me off to *this* dump.
>"Nathan and I would like you to stop by at my class during your first
>free period," Alicia said. "It's important."
>
Mike: How about telling us now? Frankly, I'm sick and tired of
waiting and waiting and waiting. Just get on with it already!
>"Well, doesn't that add some suspense?," Jane added.
>
Tom: Uh, no. Actually, it makes us roll our eyes and say FINISH
IT! STOP IT! NO MORE!
>"I don't think I want to know," Daria muttered.
Mike: That's the spirit!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>That day, Daria and Jane did stop by Alicia's class. Andrew, who also
>had that period free, was also there.
Tom: [Andrew] o/~ Hey big guy! o/~
Crow: [Daria] o/~ Hey little guy! o/~
Tom: [Andrew] o/~ Can you tell me what came first? o/~
Crow: [Daria] o/~ Sorry but I don't know... o/~
Bots: o/~ We are simply natural... o/~
Mike: Just for that, I oughta revoke some of your privileges.
> Both Alicia and Nathan were in
>front of the class.
>
Tom: Shouldn't this be over?
Crow: If I had a dime for every time we've said that...
>"I know we have suffered such a terrible loss in the death of David,"
>Alicia said, "but we must not let this dream of his die.
Mike: [Alicia] No time to mourn, must get back to work on politics!
> Jodie Landon,
>who now is acting president once again,
Crow: So the long nightmare's over, with everything as it was at the
beginning! Well, except for Quinn being kicked out of the
Fashion Club, Sandi taking out contracts, Todd's neck getting
snapped, and David being reduced to a pink mist...
> is calling for another
>election. We must find someone to run for the office and finish what
>David started."
>
Tom: Who made her the political crusader all of a sudden?
>Suddenly, Sandi burst in.
>
Crow: Oh, for crying out... Wouldn't she have been expelled by now?!
Tom: With a team of more goons to finish off all the good guys.
The end.
>"Sandi," Daria said, "what the Hell are you doing here?"
>
Tom: [Sandi] I've, like, seen the light, and, uhm, I'm becoming
a nun, or something.
>"I'm free on bail, remember?," Sandi said.
Mike: [Sandi] I'm like, like, that Rasputin guy!
> "I just want to tell all
>you retarts that I'm going to run for Student Government President
>again.
Tom: I can see her campaign signs - "Vote for Sandi! Indicted but
Never Convicted!"
> And this time, I'm warning all of you, if even one of you
>decide to run against me, you will live to regret it!"
Tom: Doesn't Sandi get it by now? She's already in trouble for
David, and now she's STILL running, and STILL threatening
others?
Mike: [Sandi] It's the path of darkness, and I must follow it to
its end.
> She made a
>cutting motion with her finger across her throat, and left.
>
Crow: Boy, ya'd think with all the restraining orders they were
throwing around earlier, someone woulda saved one or two
for a rainy day!
>The students were afraid for their lives.
Tom: They could be killed off any minute now for dramatic effect!
> Some began to weep.
>
>Nathan knew he needed to bolster their spirits. He spoke in his loud,
>clear baritone voice:
>
Crow: [Nathan] This is CNN... damn, did it again!
Tom: Warrior needs food, badly!
>"Fear not, everyone! He who rules from above will not suffer any harm
>on you!
Mike: Pete?
> He knows the end from the beginning!
Tom: He checks the page numbers.
> He sits in judgment in
>his throne!
Crow: [Nathan] By the way, he wants a tribute about now. I'm passing
the hat around.
> If God is for us, who can be against us! Fear not those
>who can only kill the body but not the spirit! David has taken you to
>the Promised Land, but like Moses, did not cross over.
Mike: [Nathan] Well, except a little with "King of the Hill". And
those two guys, Beatus and Boovhead.
> Now we must
>find a Joshua to take us over the Jordan!"
>
Crow: To the phone book!
Mike: Would it be wrong of me to say that someone had a Messiah
complex?
>He then looked at Andrew and said, "Andrew, you will run for Student
>Government President and finish what David started.
Tom: [Nathan] Or get killed by the next suicide bomber. Good luck!
Mike: [Andrew] You're right! I'll do my best to make those who picked
me at random proud!
> We have only the
>bonds of slavery to lose and everything to gain!"
>
>"I now want to sing a song of hope to you.
[All grumble again.]
Tom: [Nathan] Any of you folks ever see "Cabaret"?
Mike: Gilbert and Sullivan Operettas don't have this much singing!
> As some of you know, I
>belong to the local chapter of the NAACP.
Crow: [Nathan] Which has little to do with my singing, but hey, I
like to brag! Did I mention that I drive an Accura?
> Our organization's official
>song is called 'Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing.'. It reflects our group's
>goals for equality of the races. I think it should be a song for our
>fight for freedom as well."
>
Mike: Pending copyright violations.
>Nathan cleared his throat and then began to sing:
>
Crow: o/~ This is the never-ending song, it just goes on and on
and on! o/~
>"Lift ev'ry voice and sing,/Till earth and heaven ring,/Ring with the
>harmonies of liberty. . ."
>
>Suddenly, the students began to join in; even Daria and Jane joined
>in:
>
Tom: Yes, yes. Every voice is lifted and singing. We get the
subtext already.
>"Let our rejoicing rise high as the list'ning skies,/
Mike: Damn nosey skies, wish they'd mind their own business.
> Let it resound
>load as the rolling sea."
Crow: That's what this story is - a resounding load!
>
>The students got out of their seats and headed out of the door, still
>singing:
>
Mike: Huh, I didn't know breaking into song can get you out of class.
I should've tried that.
Tom: Oh, this is just like that Bjork video!
Crow: Except for the part where the rest of the school beats the
crap out of them.
>"Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us;/
Tom: o/~ Sing a song full of the sixpence and a pocketful of
rye... o/~
> Sing
>a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;/
Crow: o/~ Just sing, sing a song! La, la,la,la-la, la, la,la,la,la-la
la la la la lalala. o/~
> Facing the
>rising sun of our new day begun,/
Tom: o/~ There is, a house in New Orleans, they call the Rising
Sun! o/~
> Let us march until victory is won."
>
Tom: o/~ Then we crash with some rum 'n coke, and watch the
football game... o/~
Crow: o/~ After that, we'll just pick on poor old Jane... o/~
Mike: o/~ But what it all comes down to, this fanfic must have
to... o/~
All: o/~ This fanfic that Guerin wrote will have to ennnnnnnnd... o/~
>The procession was headed down the Ghetto, and soon the other Special
>Education classes there emptied and went down the hall. The second
>verse was begun:
>
Tom: Um? How does everyone know the words? Did they pass out
sheet music?
Mike: We're operating under musical rules, Tom. When people
start singing, they automatically know all the words
and can dance in unison.
>"Stony the road we trod,/
Crow: Was it the road not taken?
> Bitter the chast'ning rod,/Fell in the days
>when hope unborn had died. . ."
>
Mike: [Nathan] I'm getting sick of this song. Let's sing "Drops
of Jupiter."
>Sandi saw what was going on. "You can't leave the Ghetto during
>class!," she said.
>
Tom: It's against ape law!
Crow: [Sandi] But if you do, could you at least sing some N'Sync?
>"And what are you going to do about it?," Daria said, "tell on all of
>us?"
>
>Sandi ran toward Ms. Li's office.
[All laugh.]
Mike: Guess that answers *that* question.
> The singing continued:
>
>"Yet with a steady beat,/Have not our weary feet/
Crow: o/~ Rocked our bodies like you rock the party? o/~
> Come to the place for
>which our forefathers sighed?"
>
Mike: I don't recall Mount Rushmore ever sighing.
Tom: Why do I get the feeling his favorite episode is the musical
one?
>Suddenly, more students joined them, along with some teachers.
Crow: Then more people joined them! Calista Flockhart!
Tom: Dandy Don Meredith!
Mike: Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie!
Crow: Soccer great Pele!
Tom: Admiral Chester Nimitz!
Mike: The Radio City Music Hall Rockettes!
Crow: Hey, I guess there's still a little life in the old running gag
after all!
> The
>second verse continued:
>
Crow: Not exactly the happy catchy song, but it gets everyone in!
>"We have come over a way that with tears has been watered;/
Tom: Taking care of little tears in a tear garden?
> We have
>come, treading our path thru' the blood of the slaughtered,/
Mike: Ah, there's Todd's corpse right now, still there after all this.
> Out from
>the gloomy past, till now we stand at last/Where the white gleam of
>our bright star is cast."
>
Crow: o/~ Now let's hope the next scene will be fast... o/~
>Ms. Li came out and stood there, saying, "And where do you think
>you're going?"
>
Mike: [Daria] Nowhere in particular.
Tom: [Ms. Li] Man I wish I was you!
>"To get a petition form for Andrew," Daria said.
>
>"All of you go back to your classes at once, of face suspension!," Ms.
>Li said.
>
>"You can't suspend all of us!," Jane said in defiance.
>
Crow: Um, why not?
Mike: Can't she just photocopy a suspension form or something?
It seems kinda easy to do.
>"As for you teachers, you will report back as well, or face possible
>proceedings!," Ms. Li added.
>
>"You can't touch us, Ms. Li," Nathan said, "we've got tenure!"
>
Tom: [Nathan] And we've got unions! Oh wait, I'm not even a teacher!
>Ms. Li got mad. Nathan led the group in singing the last verse:
>
All: o/~ One, singular sensation, every little every move we make!
o/~
>"God of our weary years,/God of our silent tears,/Thou who has brought
>us thus far on our way. . ."
>
>"You will not get away with this!," Ms. Li warned, "Federal Government
>or no Federal Government!"
>
Tom: Yeah, what can *they* do to her?
Crow: Yep. No matter the problems, the Federal Government is *always*
the answer!
Mike: Got a clogged toilet? Call the Feds!
>"Just watch us!," Daria shot back.
Mike: [Daria] We're on MTV every... whenever we're on.
> The singing continued:
>
>"Thou who hast by Thy might,/Led us into the light,/Keep us forever in
>the path we pray."
>
Crow: [Nathan] Now let's hum the theme from those Bond movies!
>Sandi was shocked to see Quinn among them.
>
Mike: Us too!
Crow: I was sure that she would've high-tailed it out of this
story already!
>"Quinn, you traitor!," she said, "give this up now and we might just
>let you back in!"
>
Mike: That three-member club must have a lot of perks...
>"No thanks," Quinn replied, "I don't want to be associated with
>bigots!"
>
Tom: And, when it comes right down to it, wouldn't you rather
be assaulted by your family than by your friends?
>Quinn rejoined the others as they finished the song:
>
Tom: o/~ Be as black as you want to. Be as white as you want to...
o/~
Crow: Stop it. It's getting TOO warm and fuzzy.
>"Lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met Thee,/Lest
>our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget Thee;/
Crow: Oh, it's the Jan Michael-Vincent song!
> Shadowed
>beneath Thy hand,/May we forever stand,/True to our God, true to our
>native land."
>
Mike: Odd. I have the sudden urge to watch hockey.
>The group then went into the general office to pick up the
>application.
Crow: They fill out paperwork! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>EPILOGUE
Mike: Epilogue? We're near the end, folks!
Tom: Finally! No wait... there may be an appendix.
Crow: Thanks for brightening my day, Servo.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The vote for the new Student Government President was not as close as
>it was the first time. Andrew won by a 4 to 1 margin.
>
Tom: Thanks to the efforts of Chuckie Daley, in Ms. Howell's
homeroom.
>The proposed amendments to the Student Government Constitution passed
>by just four votes more than what was needed in the House of Homeroom
>Representatives. Andrew pushed hard for approval in the referendum.
>The voters approved all the amendments by a 3 to 1 margin.
>
Crow: Imagine their shock when they woke up the next morning to
find UN Troops occupying the school.
Mike: Moral? *Always* read the fine print, folks.
>By order of the Federal Department of Education, the Special Education
>classes were removed from the "Ghetto" and more equitably dispersed
>within the school building.
>
Mike: Now, instead of being ignored and taunted as a group, they're
free to be ignored and taunted as individuals.
Crow: The Ghetto was later torn down and became the site for the
new Montreal Expos stadium!
>David's parents set up a scholarship in their son's name, to be given
>to the most deserving Special Education student in Lawndale High.
>
Mike: The scholarship was dissolved an hour later when they realized
nobody cared anymore.
>Sandi was found guilty of all charges. however, since the DA's office
>did not pursue prosecuting her as an adult, she was ordered to perform
>500 hours of community service.
Mike: And then DA Stone makes a pithy comment on the steps of the
court house.
Crow: Oh, that's trivial. When you dress modishly, every hour you're
outside is a community service!
>
>Quinn was eventually readmitted to the Fashion Club when she convinced
>Sandi that Daria was pulling a practical joke when she told her that
>Sandi that she was Quinn's sister.
>
Crow: [sputtering] What the - gyah - so not only did they keep a
convicted violent juvenile in school, *and* let her continue
as president of a silly yet officially recognized school
club, but *everything* Quinn learned and experienced here
was all for naught!
Tom: Character development is fine, as long as you leave all
the characters exactly as you found them.
Mike: Plus there's the whole "wacky adventures" aspect of joining
a club run by a revenge-crazed, pistol-packing, convicted
homicidal maniac.
>All other legal matters in this case have since been dropped.
>
>The fight for equality for Special Education students at Lawndale High
>is not over, but much progress have been made, and will continue to be
>made.
Mike: Hank Hill returned home to the Fox network, where he eventually
strangled his neighbor, Boomhauer, when he tried to give a
mumbling explanation for making a pass at his niece. He was
given 150 hours of community service and pre-empted for 4
weeks by very special episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle".
Crow: Beavis and Butthead recovered from their wounds, and went on
to have a guest starring role in Pete Guerin's later epic,
"The Mallomar Sushi Dunkin Doughnuts Bumblebee Basketball",
where they were eventually killed by yet another minor
supporting character.
Tom: Rage Against The Machine continued to Rage on by making
really loud and unintelligible music as a group until 2000,
when they split up in order to make really loud and
unintelligible solo projects.
Mike: Corey and the Straight-Edgers were never heard from again.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Phew, now it's...
>AUTHOR'S AFTERWORD, OR A PLEA FOR TOLERANCE
Mike: ... never mind.
Tom: TOM SERVO'S REBUTTAL, OR A PLEA FOR SHORTNESS
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>I have to admit that some of this is autobiographical.
Tom: I once strapped a bomb to my chest and blew up the President
of the Student Council.
Mike: Tom, if Pete did that then how could he write the story?
Tom: Who said anything about Pete?
Crow: He's not saying *he* had explicit cartoon sex with Daria too,
is he?
Mike: *Sigh* I hope not, Crow. I hope not.
> I have ADD
>myself and I did run for Student Government President
[All look somewhat relieved.]
Crow: Oh, so he IS a politician! That explains a whole lot! Whew!
> in my junior
>year at Connetquot High School (Bohemia, New York) in 1986.
Crow: So is this fanfic real life, or just fantasy?
Tom: I don't know, but it's very, very frightening.
Mike: I wonder if Peter can do the Fandango?
> I lost by
>16 votes.
Tom: [Guerin] And I have all their names down. And they are,
in alphabetical order...
> I later tried to push for an amendment to the Student
>Government Constitution to create a Special Education Representative,
Mike: [Guerin] But they told me the science was unfeasible.
>but that was defeated.
Mike: We're sorry to hear about that.
Tom: Have you tried the suggestion we've been saying all fanfic
and told the Feds?
> I was beaten up and received numerous death
>threats during my campaign;
Mike: Oh dear.
Tom: Then again, it was in New York, so...
> they usually went, "If you get elected,
>you fucking retart, we're going to kill you! We don't want retarts
>like you in our Student Government!"
>
Mike: Ironically, many of these people were later
prominent backers of Howard Stern's gubernatorial
campaign.
>I am here, in this great world-wide forum we call the Internet, to
>plead for tolerance for Special Education students,
Tom: And instead of organizing a website or group, he writes a
long and confusing fanfic?
> especially those
>who have mental, emotional and/or behavioral problems. The same God
>who made you made us as well. We are all His children in His sight.
Crow: [writer] Unless you're a Buddhist, in which case you'll spend
eternity in torment.
>Are we monsters?
Tom: Are we not men?
> If not, then why do you treat us like we are? Why are
>you so afraid of us?
Crow: What did we do? We didn't call you monsters or anything. Sure,
we poked fun at the plot, the characters and the story, but
really...
Mike: I think he was talking to the bigots.
Tom: And they don't have any real reason - they're just morons
who don't listen to anyone but themselves.
> I suffered greatly during my school years at the
>hands of "normal" students.
Mike: Most of whom were also suffering under the hands of
other "normal" students.
> I still have bitter memories of those
>times.
Tom: [Guerin] I plot revenge to this day. The fanfics are step one.
> I guess seeing a show like "Daria" helps me come to terms with
>those memories.
Mike: By reinserting my memories into the memories of a completely
unrelated television show.
> OK, so Daria is no Special Education student, but I
>felt the loneliness and isolation of being an outcast myself.
Crow: Plus Daria was kinda hot.
> Special
>Education students are the "Untouchables"
Mike: Hopefully, as portrayed by Robert Stack instead of Kevin
Costner.
> of the caste system people
>humorously call "high school cliques".
Crow: Suddenly, "Saved by the Bell" takes on an ominous new
undertone.
> I guess until attitudes change
>and action is taken by teachers, administrators, boards of education
>and Federal and state departments of education, it will continue to be
>that way.
>
Tom: [Guerin] The Federal Anti-Popular Kids Act of 2002 *must* pass!
>I met a woman whose son has ADD, and she told me that much has changed
>in the twenty-odd years or so since I was first placed in Special
>Education. I pray that she is right.
>
Mike: [Guerin] Because if she isn't, I'll be forced to write a really
long "Daria"/"Barney Miller"/"X-Men"/"Cowboy Bebop" story!
>So, to those of you who are still high school age, next time you're at
>school, next time you see a Special Education student, do not run away
>in fear or shun him or her.
Crow: Laugh at them straight in their faces! Show some guts!
Mike: Crow, when they melt you down for scrap, don't come crying
to me.
> Accept him or her. Let him or her into
>your lives.
Tom: Make him or her your friend! Give him or her your undying
attention! Feed him or her! Take him or her out for a walk!
> Only by changing matters one person at a time can we see
>real progress. That is my wish. That is my plea.
Mike: [Guerin] That and more corn dogs. Oh, I think they're burnt to
a crisp by now! Ciao!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>"Flung to the heedless winds/
Crow: [pouting] No more singing! Please, I beg you!
> Or on the waters cast,/The martyrs'
>ashes, watched,/Shall gathered be at last./
Tom: Thanks to the power of the New Dustbuster II!
> And from that scattered
>dust,/Around us and abroad,/Shall spring a plenteous seed of witness
>for God."
>
Mike: Let's all watch as chariot after chariot is thrown into the
fire, shall we?
>"The Father hath received/Their latest living breath,/And vain is
>Satan's boast of vict'ry in their death./
Crow: Satan was given a $5000 fine by the League for talking trash.
> Still, still, tho' dead, they
>speak,/And, trumpet-tongued,
Tom: [Mr. B] With the SPIRIT of MUSIC!
Crow: [shuddering] Gah! Nonono, no dragging him/her/it into this!
> proclaim/To many a wak'ning land/The one
>availing Name./Amen."
>
>--Martin Luther, "Flung to the Heedless Winds"
Mike: Now available on 95 Theses Records and Tapes.
Crow: And with Luther's arrival, the Hanseatic League turns
Protestant, knocking its stability down to -3 and
royally miffing Spain.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>THE END
>
Crow: Finally!
Mike: Wow. No appendix or footnotes. Maybe Pete didn't really write
this.
Tom: Let's hit the road before we get another message.
[They stand and exit the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The doors close to reveal a somberly lit bridge. Mike,
Tom and Crow are all clad in tuxedoes. Gypsy wears
a pair of earrings and a long dress. Formally clad
extras amble about in the background. A buffet is
arrayed on the command console.]
Mike: I'm surprised at you two. After all of the griping
and whining you two did about David MacAllister,
you turn around and give him a wake.
Tom: Eh. It seemed like the decent thing to do.
Crow: [mumbling] I still say he deserved it though.
Mike: Well, it still was nice of you. [Mike looks around.]
Er, I don't see many of the actual cast here, though.
Crow: They claimed to have other things to do.
Tom: And Brittany mentioned something about a restraining
order.
Crow: Oh. Did she renew that?
Tom: Apparently so.
Crow: Blast.
Tom: Still, it wasn't David's fault that he was in this
mess of a story.
Crow: Yeah! His agent probably thought this was his big
break!
Mike: It could have been worse, though.
Crow: Don't say that!
Mike: The story's over, Crow. We're in no danger.
Tom: Fine. I'll bite. How could it have been worse, Mike?
[A young blonde male youth enters.]
Youth: Hi, guys! Thanks for invit... ARRRGGHHHH!!!!
[The child convulses and falls out of sight beneath the
command console.]
Crow: My god. Haley Joel Osment is dead.
Mike: See?
Tom: Point conceded.
Crow: Poor kid. That's three in a row for him now.
[A man, clearly nine sheets to the wind, shambles
into view. He's wearing a vaguely futuristic looking
uniform.]
Man: I, for one am glad that the deceased is gone. Blasted
little princess. Coming in and lording it over the
rest of us...
Tom: Excuse me? Who are you?
Man: Henry. Henry Jel... I'm sorry. I don't see any dancing
Ferengi. I must be at the wrong funeral.
Mike: Quite all right. Happens to...
Henry: AHHHH!!!!! Keep away from me, you vicious fiend!!
AHHH!!!! Those accursed eyes!!!
[He exits rapidly.]
Mike: Well, like my grandpa used to say, "That made all the
sense of a red flag sticking out of a drunken oyster.
You can sing to it and salute, but you better bring
motor oil."
[The bots look at each other.]
Crow: Mike? Do us a favor? Don't tell us any more about
your family.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Still, I can't help but think.
Tom: [mumbled] There's a first.
Mike: ...what if Peter had a point? I mean, there are a lot
of problems facing Special Ed students today. Shouldn't
we try and figure out a way to make them more accepted
by society? Is there a better way to educate them to
deal with their problems?
[Tom and Crow look at each other. Then they turn back to Mike.]
Crow: Mike? If we had any of those answers, do you think we'd
be stuck up here?
Mike: Oh. Yeah.
[Pause.]
Mike: Well, let's see what Pearl is up to.
[Mike taps the light and the scene changes to...]
[Castle Forrester]
[Once again, the Castle is darkened. The silhouetted
figure stands in the foreground.]
Figure: I see you survived the story, Mike. But I
caution you against becoming overconfident.
For you have only begun to scratch the
surface of the depravity that lies ahead of you!
Murder plots! Lacrosse! Alan Alda! J-Pop! Even an
excursion into the very depths of hell!
[Satellite of Love]
Tom: Isn't Alan Alda and Hell kinda redundant?
Crow: The J-Pop too.
[Castle Forrester]
Figure: Silence! Even your light hearted jabs may not be
able to save you from what is in the future!
For I know that your captors have in their possession
a story so frightening that even your worst
nightmare will seem like a walk in the park!
And only one word can convey that horror...
[Suddenly, the lights flip on. A very shocked looking
Bobo stands with his jaw agape. Behind him, next to a
light switch, stands a stern-looking Pearl.]
Bobo: ...Lawgiver. Hi.
Pearl: [coldly] Furball. [to the screen] Mike, I'm
going to have to end this transmission early.
Oh, and I'd be really annoyed that you didn't
invite me to your little shindig. Thankfully,
I have a funeral of my own to arrange.
Bobo: Really? Who died?
Pearl: [grinning evilly] Oh, you'll find out soon
enough. By the way, do you know where my
knives are? The really blunt, painful ones?
[Pearl cuts the connection and we return to the
Satellite.]
Mike: Well, it looks like Bobo's in trouble.
Crow: Yep.
Mike: So, where were we?
Tom: You were discussing trying to solve the world's
problems, which is of course, impossible.
Mike: Oh yeah.
Gypsy: I can solve 'em.
[As Gypsy speaks, the lights begin to flash, and the crowd
of extras begins to rush around in the background.]
Tom: Mike! Something's approaching the ship!
Gypsy: Seriously. It'd be easy. All I...
Mike: Not now, Gypsy! Cambot! Give me...
Crow: Too late! We're being boarded!
Gypsy: Hrmph!
[Gypsy exits. The extras have also vacated the premises as
well. Fog swells up on the bridge. Moments later, a number
of business clad figures step through the fog...]
Mike: It's...
All: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones?
Dicky: Hey guys. We've come to get you out of here.
Tom: Wow! It's Dicky Barrett, lead vocalist, and there's
Nate Al...
Mike: Tom? No more lineups. Seriously? You guys are here to
get us out of here?
Dicky: You bet! Our ship's right outside!
Crow: You mean there actually are bands out there fighting
evil and injustice across the world?!
Dicky: Heck, yes! Everyone in the band fights crime during the
day and skas hard at night! You can kinda guess it by
our name. We've all got our little specialties. Kevin's
a master of disguise. Tim can summon bolts of
electricity. Dennis..
Tom: Um, sir? What about that guy over there? What does he do?
Dicky: Oh, that's Ben. He dances around in the background.
Tom: Really? Is that really useful?
Dicky: Sure! He's practically indispensable. You see...
Mike: Guys! [silence] If you can get us out of here, then
let's go!
Dicky: Glad to! Right this...
[Another suit clad person rushes into view.]
Bosstone: We've got problems! Mr. Armageddon and Captain Lacrosse
are attacking the Mall of America! And they've captured
Toyah Wilcox!
Dicky: Guys! We gotta run!
Mike: Can you take us with you?
Dicky: Sorry! It's far too dangerous! Bosstones! To the Boss-shuttle!
[They exit with a flourish, leaving the bewildered crew behind,
speechless.]
Crow: [V.O.] WHO THE HELL IS TOYAH WILCOX?!?
[Well, almost speechless.]
[The screen pulls off to one side, and Huey Lewis's "Bad is Bad"
begins to play. As the credits roll on the narrow, right-hand
side of the screen, we see, a la "Daria", the following on the
left-hand side]:
Mike dressed in a Green Bay Packer : "TRIUMPH OF THE RETART"
uniform : written by
: Peter Guerin
:
:
Brain Guy as Lex Luthor, circa "The : "TRIUMPH OF THE RETART"
Challenge of the Superfriend" (with : was MiSTed by
with purple & green battle suit) :
:
Mr. B Natural on a jar of "Mr. B's : Alex Gariepy
Creamy Style Peanut Butter" :
:
Pearl as a M*A*S*H nurse : Bill Livingston
:
Servo as a five-star general : Cory McCasland
:
Colonel Glenn Manning as the Amazing : Keith Palmer
Colossal Iron Chef Bread Truck :
:
Crow as Superman : D. Reed
:
Leonard Maltin as a bellhop : Rebo Valence
(in a two and a half star hotel) :
:
Torgo and Ortega as the Men in Black : And Matt Blackwell
:
Joel as a circus ringmaster : "Daria" and all related
: characters and situations are
: trademarked and copyright MTV
: Networks and Viacom. Daria
: created by Glenn Eichler.
: All rights reserved.
:
Bobo as the Statue of Liberty : "Beavis and Butthead" and all
(buried up to his waist in the sand) : related characters and
: situations are trademarked
: and copyright MTV Networks
: and Viacom. All rights
: reserved.
:
Dr. Forrester as Whistler's Mother : "King of the Hill" and all
: related characters and
: situations are trademarked
: and copyright Judgemental
: Films Inc, Film Roman
: Productions and 20th Century
: Fox Television
: All rights reserved.
:
TV's Frank in a Starfleet Security : "Mystery Science Theater
Officer's red shirt : 3000" and related characters
: and situations are trademark
: of and copyright Best Brains,
: Inc. All rights reserved.
:
Mike, Joel, Crow & Servo as : Use of
copyrighted/trademarked
Rage Against the Machine : material is for
non-commercial
: parody, review, and
commentary
: purposes only; no
infringement
: on the original copyrights or
: trademarks held by others is
: intended or should be
: inferred.
:
Gypsy as Martha Stewart : No personal insults to
: author(s), character(s), or
: situation(s) are or should
: be implied. All characters
: in this work are fictional,
: and any resemblance to actual
: people, living or dead, is
: purely coincidental.
:
Sylvia & Jerry as Beavis & Butthead : Incidental mentions of
various
: situations and song lyrics
: should not be taken as
: challenges to any legal
: copyrights and/or trademarks.
:
Jack Perkins as Axl Rose : For those of you playing
along
: at home, the correct answer
to
: Crow's final question in the
: prologue was "Sister Havana"
: by Urge Overkill.
:
Crow & Servo as Daria & Jane : Keep circulating the posts.
[The screen goes black and we return to the Satellite's Bridge,
where our trio still stands.]
Tom: Er, what the hell was that?
Mike: An homage, I think.
Crow: Hey! Would someone please answer me? Who is she? Or he?
Mike: Oh, hush.
[Mike hits a button on the console, and the screen contracts
with a ...]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
*twang*
---------------------------------------------------------------
>"The name's Zack de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage Against the
>Machine," he said.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10/25/01