(Mistied) A strange rant from alt.music.smiths
Suzanne Schroeder
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Suzanne Schroeder
_________________________________________________________
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Salutations, Mike to you and yours.
(SOL)
Mike: Wow. You seem like your in a good mood. Did your mom leave?
Erm, Susan?
(All snicker)
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Go ahead and laugh. Iąm going to stick it to you this week.
Your chic-pea brain wonąt even begin to comprehend this little piece of
poopie I found on alt.music.smiths.
(SOL)
Crow: Oh, weąre doomed!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: You see, the usual gang that hangs out there are a well mannered
bunch,
but this is Morrissey weąre talking about, so youąre going to get that
one loon
that spoils the fun for everyone. True, I started a fan club around her,
but still... (shrugs).
(SOL)
Mike: Wow. Um, so is this a diatribe on why heąs a god?
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: No, you see, this stems from family issues or something. Someone
definitely dropped this kid on her head as a child, and she has decided
to take her anger out on the world. So much so, that at least 5 thread
within the last few months have been dedicated to the cruscade of
getting
rid of her. The latest one comes from one samaritan that proposed that
everyone join in and totally ignore her for now on. This, mes amis,
is her response. Enjoy!
(SOL)
All: Weąve got post sign!
(6..5..4..3..2..1..)
>In article <Pine.A32.3.91.960202204056.68720B-100000@san_marcos.csusm.edu> >dagenham thrill,
Crow: Iąve got a bad feeling about this. Sheąs named herself after a
song that sank on the charts.
Tom: I think a more appropriate name would be Suede Head Thrill.
Mike: Um, no comment.
>ball...@coyote.csusm.
Mike: Wow. Cesium is in this post.
>edu writes:
>My complaint about Joseph Fhilip Bonomo
Tom: Oh God! Sheąs been taking spelling lessons from Ratliff.
Mike: No, I think that is how he really spells his name.
>Joseph Fhilip Bonomo's activities have been getting a lot of undeserved
>attention recently. To begin with, Bonomo's politics are in conflict with
>accepted morality.
Crow: Thank you senator....
>By this, I mean that I am quite certain that nobody seems
>to realize that it is neither possible nor desirable to ignore the issue of
>masochism here.
Tom: The hell? Are you saying that he is inflicting pain on himself by
proposing that people ignore you?
> It disturbs me that these whiney slubberdegullions
Mike: From the town of Whoville....
>have so
>little tolerance for differing points of view.
Tom: (Thrill) For example, whether or not Morrissey belongs locked up in
my basement.
>While there is an implicit
>assumption here that Bonomo has let his irritable feelings obscure
>reality, all of his assertions are paralogistic. When I look back I think,
>"Fanaticism is irrelevant here." It's my hunch that he keeps coming up with
>new ways to exert more and more control over other individuals.
>
>No matter what he thinks, what he insists are original ethics are nothing more
>than warmed-over versions of antidisestablishmentarianism.
Crow: You know, I belong to the disestablishment.
Mike: Quick. How many words can you find in that last phrase?
>How will Bonomo's
>accomplices react when they discover that Bonomo wants to biologically or
>psychologically engineer scary unbalanced megalomaniacs to make them even
>more unsophisticated than they already are?
Tom: I donąt know. It worked well for McDonalds.
> His particular brand of
>disreputable denominationalism
Crow: Donąt drag the church in on this.
>will reward mediocrity within a short period of
>time.
Tom: Ah, just like Seven Mary Three.
> He has become increasingly obnoxious ever since childhood.
Mike: (Thrill) and I know this because I camp outside in his bushes.
>He is
>deliberately manipulating the facts. You'd think Bonomo would see how
>choleric and loathsome he appears.
Crow: I heard that running a vaccuum cleaner will clear up cholera. I
learned it from the ads on TV.
>We can't stand idly by and let him foment crapulous forms
Mike: Oh, not since Shakespeare has anyone had such a grasp of the
English language.
Tom: Sheer poetry I tell you.
>of political tyranny.
Crow: She would make a great spin doctor. Iąve never seen anyone drag
politics into a discussion over whether or not she should get lost.
>You might object to my claim that he
>should think twice before he decides to force us to tailor our writings just
>to suit his self-pitying whims.
Mike: Whoąs *we* paleface?
>But bear in mind that he seems to think that
>he is right and everybody else is wrong. It's a well-known fact that I'm
>simply trying to explain misogynists's hidebound tendencies as well as their
>yellow-bellied tendencies as phases of a larger, unified cycle.
Crow: Are you sure about this?
>Bonomo's little world is far from reality.
Tom: Thatąs why he takes the bus.
Crow: Huh?
>Much of Bonomo's behavior is not
>rationally calculated to be of benefit to the vengeful pusillanimous vermin
Mike: You know, I could have sworn that her subject header said she went
to college. I want to know what her profs think of her papers.
Tom: Something similar to what they say about Ratliffąs
Crow: At least she can spell.
Mike: Yes, but if she got into college, then one day she will be working
somewhere.
Tom: Probably the local post office.
>whom Bonomo claims to be trying to help. To parody the old song, "Fish gotta
>swim, Bonomo gotta distract attention from more important issues."
Tom: Wow. Were those the actual lyrics? How convenient that someone
would write a tune about a guy named Bonomo.
Mike: Not since Godard has the jump-cut been used so effectively.
Crow: I thought it was łlittle fish big fish swimming in the water/ come
back here and give me my daughter.˛
>It is
>naive to think that he wouldn't ruin my entire day if he got the chance. What
>I take much more seriously than jealous students are malicious randy yokels.
Tom: Oh, I get it. By telling you to go away, heąs actually hitting on
you.
Crow: Well, heąs playing hard to get.
>Given the range and unpredictability of human behavior, it is quite possible
>that he is intentionally being crude.
Mike: Damn, youąre quick.
>Bonomo's solutions will guarantee the
>destruction of anything that looks like a vital community by next weekend.
Tom: Well, there goes the neighborhood.
>But it goes further than that.
Mike: (Thrill) ..and let me fill you in on every last detail about it.
>There are some simple truths in this world.
Crow: Some girls are bigger than others?
Tom: The phone calls are coming from inside the house?
>First, Bonomo considers it fair
>game to break down the industrial-technological system.
Crow: He was a DeVry graduate.
>Second, I don't see
>why Bonomo wants to force us to bow down low before odious brain-damaged
>nitwits.
Mike: And, um, who would that be? Thereąs no one here but us chickens.
>And finally, Bonomo tries to assert his autonomy by attempting to
>prevent me from getting my work done.
Tom: (squeaky voice) And whatąs that, Brain?
Crow: I donąt think she has much to do after she lead to cruscade for
Olestra.
>His idea of a good time is to torture
>bloodthirsty detestable vigilantes.
Tom: ...and you make it sound like such a bad thing.
>Throughout human history, unpatriotic bimbos have always been evil.
All: ROTFL
Mike: Next on USA: Attack of the Unpatriotic Bimbos.
>So it should come as no surprise that it would
>not be out of character for him to exercise control through indirect coercion
>or through psychological pressure or manipulation.
Crow: Yeah, what is this guyąs problem? He used a short, concise post.
> I just want to say that he can't be trusted.
Mike: And I would definitley leave small children with you.
> Let's just ignore Bonomo and see what he does.
Tom: Hmm. An original thought. Iąll take it into consideration.
>In a manner
>of speaking, his henchmen have an inadequate grasp of acceptable scientific
>method and data interpretation.
Crow: See? This is exactly what happens when you use invisible special
interest groups to gather data.
>This is one letter that he doesn't want you
>to read.
Tom: But through the Freedom of information act, Prime Time was able to
uncover that the tobacco industry did know about the harmful effects.....
> He is, you might say, overly anxious to force me to undergo
>"treatment" to cure my "problem". All Bonomo wants is to break down
>honest values.
Crow: Stop her! Sheąs going into Quayle mode!
>I will let his record speak for itself.
Mike: Now she has inanimate objects talking....
> His convictions are a pitiful jumble of incoherent nonsense.
Tom: (Thrill) Oh, and how do I know this? People ask me this all the
time, but I like to consider myself an expert on the subject. Since Iąm
able to DO THE EXACT SAME THING when Iąm in the mood for it, but you see
Iąm a poet just like the Mozz. Words are at my command. I can command
words unlike the unpatriotic Bimbos I spoke of earlier. What does
patriotism have to do with Bonomo?
Mike: Thatąs enough.
> We must worry about two sorts of brazen vagabonds:
Crow: The Vagabonds of the Midwest who released the Thin Lizzy covers,
and The Travelling Wiburys.
>mean-spirited and testy. Bonomo is among the former. I'm tired of the most
>negligent rapscallions you'll ever see.
Tom: Used car salespeople?
>Lest I forget to mention this later, he justifies his disrespectful nature by
>denying that it would be more productive for him to take a more diplomatic and
>conciliatory approach.
Mike: I totally agree. You seem so open minded and reasonable.
> This is particularly interesting when you consider
>that you do not need to be sex-crazed to know that we can't let insensitive
>deranged-types ram his conclusions down our throats.
Tom: After all, being sex crazed does make you clearheaded to deal with
tough moral issues.
Crow: But, youąre forgetting about the unpatriotic bimbos.
Tom: Well, I guess you have to give up one for the other.
>Bonomo likes to have
>difficult social issues presented to him in simple, black-and-white terms,
>but, as you know, Bonomo is living in a dream world.
Mike: Thrill lives in the greyest world of them all, apparently.
> Yet he represents a new breed of insane unreasonable quacks.
Crow: Yeah, when is the medical board going to suspend their licenses?
>What do you think of this:
Tom: Looks like lunacy to me.
>Even if
>his decisions were completely successful in making a few people feel better,
>they would still be demeaning to everyone else?
Crow: Aha! Yes! Screwed up word order! Itąs Ratliff!
>If I seem a bit grumpy,
Tom: Oh, we understand. Morrissey hasnąt taken the marriage proposal
yet.
> it's only because I'm trying to communicate with him
>on his own level.
Mike: Well, Cambot, letąs look at the scoreboard on that one....
>That doesn't necessarily mean that the things Bonomo wants
>to do are unfair, if not illegal.
Tom: If ignoring you is illegal, Iąm going to Canada.
>Rather, it means that insecure snobs like
>Bonomo tend to conveniently ignore the key issues of this or any other
>situation.
Crow: AAUUGHH! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHICH ISSUES SHE IS TALKING ABOUT?
> If he gets his way, I might very well become clinically depressed.
Tom: As opposed to clinically nuts like you are now.
>We'd all be in grave danger if he continued to engage in his socially inept
>bestial behavior.
Mike: So, is there a proper way to hump animals? Must you take them out
to dinner first?
>I am merely pointing out what I have observed. Similarly, Bonomo's asinine
>schemes are a shout to the world that, in the near future, Bonomo will
>misrepresent the truth.
Crow: Dagenham Thrill: Future Phillip Morris Spokesperson.
>By the way, there should be a law against this. This
>is not the same as saying that nobody likes gruesome adolescents, although
>that, too, is true.
Tom: Why does łFlag on the moon˛ come to mind at this time?
>Isn't it true that he has made some dangerous assumptions
>about things he knows nothing of?
Crow: Like that assuming the special sauce is edible?
>If not, tell me why not.
Mike: But, why ask why?
> I happen to
>believe that Bonomo is as hopeless as he is dangerous. He is obviously trying
>to attack everyone else's philippics,
Tom: The hell?
Mike: Does she mean Phillipąs pictures?
> and unless we act now,
Crow: This special one time offer will expire. Order today!
> he'll
>unquestionably succeed. I feel no shame in writing that I don't see how he
>can be so blathering.
Tom: Yes, we know you have no shame. Is there ANYTHING
ELSE you would like to tell us?
>Note that the foregoing does not pretend to be an accurate description of all
>people who might be considered mudslinging bohemians.
Suzanne: Hey, my ancesters are Czech. Leave them out of this!
Tom: Wait, who are you?
Suzanne: Oops.
Mike: (singing) Easy come...Easy go...Will you let me go?
> It is only a rough
>indication of some of Bonomo's general tendencies. On a more pedestrian level,
Crow: He walks with two feet.
>I must protest Bonomo's use of the worst kinds of annoying neanderthals
>there are to devastate vast acres of precious land.
Tom: They and the unpatriotic bimbos are in kahootz! I can feel it.
>Bonomo has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively.
Mike: Yeah, why canąt he wander aimlessly from subject to subject
like every other schizophrenic person posting under the name of Thrill?
>Or at all, for that matter.
Crow: What??? Donąt leave me in suspense! Please! Complete your
thought.
>If he succeeds in his attempt to regulate despotism, it'll have to be
>over my dead body.
Mike: Is this after your predicted bout of clinical depression?
>At first, he just wanted to condemn innocent bureaucrats.
Tom: Damn that congress and their wrangling over the budget!
>Then, he tried to progressively narrow the sphere of human freedom. Who knows
>what he'll do next?
Crow: Read the book!
>Think of his theories as being the sum of two components:
Mike: Sanity and thoughtfulness.
>a fickle component that consists of his desire to make my stomach turn and an
>abhorrent component that consists of everything else. We are concerned
>primarily with the former.
Tom: Why not the latter? It covers everything, doesnąt it?
Mike: Yeah, what is she thinking? Itąs like buying łBest of..˛
cds and it doesnąt contain half the things you want! I say,
go for the complete package!
>Although Bonomo's
Crow: Sonny Bonomo?
>arrogance will lead him to lay waste to the environment when
>you least expect it, none of Bonomo's ideals changes my mind about anything.
Mike: He obviously didnąt try reasoning with her.
>In case you have any doubts, Bonomo is off his rocker.
Tom: SOMEONE is off their rocker.
>Almost everyone will agree
Crow: Pepsi is the choice of a new generation!
>that the reasons that he gives for his diatribes clearly do not
>correspond with his real motives, but he will simply continue to cause
>distress to people he doesn't know, has never seen, and who have done him no
>harm whatsoever.
Tom: You speak of environmental pollution.....What about bandwidth
pollution?
Mike: Give a hoot....
>I'm oversimplifying things a little here. It is our
>responsibility to ensure that he doesn't infringe upon our most important
>constitutional rights.
Mike: To be excellent to eachother, and to PARTY ON, DUDES!
>You can see exactly where this is going. I won't
>mince my words: I got off on a tangent.
Crow: Which part was the tangent?
>Once it becomes clear that we cannot
>allow stuck-up oafs to pass unnoticed, it becomes apparent that Bonomo's
>lackeys are more determined than most callow flag burners.
>To say otherwise
>would be irrational. To end on a more positive note: There's a distinction
>to be made here.
Tom: And, what is that? No, wait, I donąt want to know......
>thrill
Mike: Wow, and I certainly got a THRILL out of reading this.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"DON'T TALK TO ME NOW ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE NICE BECAUSE I HAVE SPENT MY
>WHOLE LIFE IN RUINS BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE 'NICE'" - MORRISSEY
Crow: This was the equivalent of the feel good message towards the end
of the film.
>"If you can't back up what you say, your words are meaningless." - Oprah
Tom: Thrill just proved this right. I hope they start teaching Oprah in
philosophy classes.
>"Anonymous call, a poison pen, a brick in the small of the back again." -
>'Hated For Loving' Morrissey.
Mike: Thrill, this was meant if someone actually cared that you loved
someone.
> http://www.csusm.edu/public/thrill/
Tom: Find out the real thrill. Send her fanmail. Letąs get out of here.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a copyright of BBI. No actual
characters were harmed
in the making of this fanfic. The above situation was fictional in that,
had this been
a post by a clearheaded individual, you would have received expanded
knowlege of good
debating techniques. Thrill belongs to Thrill and we claim no
responsibility for her, either.