MiSTed--(2/3) Meaghan Edwards' Lion King fanfics
Håkan Svensson
[part 2]
CROW: Mike, what is this with all these fanfics?
TOM: It's like the better the movie, the worse the fanfic.
MIKE: Well, that's would mean that "Star Trek" is the best thing ever.
[Pause. Then all break out laughing for a while.]
TOM: Even so. How come brilliant movies inspire such guttertrash?
CROW: It's subliminals, Tommy-boy. Every good movie has imbedded signals
that say "Write about this movie. Even if you have no talent.
Especially if you have no talent."
TOM: Really?
CROW: Yeah, that's where we're lucky. They never bother to insert those
signals into all those crappy movies we have to watch.
MIKE: Let me get this straight. We're lucky because we get sent awful
movies, and awful stories inspired by good movies.
CROW: Um.. well.. yeah..
TOM: Crow, remind me to tell you the true meaning of luck.
MIKE: I don't know about you but I'd really rather be inspired to write
bad stories than read them.
[All sit in depression until the lights flash.]
ALL: MORE BAD FANFICS SIGN!!
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>Path: news.kth.se!solace!mn6.swip.net!news00.sunet.se!
TOM: Suenet - the network of choice for scientologists!
MIKE: That's "Sunet" with one "e", Tom.
TOM: Oh.
CROW: Thanks, Tom. You just earned us a letter from Helena Kobrin.
> sunic!
>news.sprintlink.net!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.bbnplanet.com!
CROW: bbnplanet: Where BBNs evolved from men!
>cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!feed1.news.erols.com!howland.erols.net!torn!
TOM: Yes, this would have been torn to bits by now if it was on paper.
>hone!informer1.cis.McMaster.CA!
CROW: Does that mean Torgo's Pizza has started selling hamburgers now?
> hwfn!james!ah492
ALL: Ah!
>From: ah...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca (Merv Hass)
TOM: Wait a minute... "Merv Hass"?
MIKE: Well, if Ratliff could get from "was" to "wukk"...
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.disney.animation
>Subject: Coming of the Wolves
CROW: But I thought the alpha male was the only one who...
MIKE: [interrupting Crow] This is a newsgroup about *Disney*. That means that
the animals will have neither any means of reproduction, nor ways of
feeding their offspring.
>Date: 30 Jan 1997 23:42:28 GMT
MIKE: I thought people who post to Usenet didn't have any dates.
>Organization: Hamilton-Wentworth FreeNet, Ontario, Canada.
TOM: Freenet? I wonder where the worth went.
>Lines: 97
>Message-ID: <5crbl4$o...@main.freenet.hamilton.on.ca>
TOM: I have no ID why this message was ever posted.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: james.freenet.hamilton.on.ca
>Keywords: Scar, Mufasa, Zazu, wolves, Africa
TOM: Huh? Wolves? In Africa?
MIKE: This is going to hurt...
> The Coming of the Wolves
>
> ************************
MIKE: This interlude was brought to you by Malformed Headers 'R Us.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2-HWFN]
CROW: He wrote this on a tin can?
>Xref: news.kth.se rec.arts.disney.animation:15538
>
> Written by Meaghan Edwards
>
>
> It was pre-morning across the savanna.
MIKE: As opposed to it being night on some parts of the savannah and day
elsewhere.
TOM: "pre-morning"?
CROW: It's a bit like dawn, but not as well-written.
> Mufasa awoken with a wide
>yawn and begain his day patroling the pridelands.
CROW: o/~ In the name of Löwe, it's all in the name of Löwe... o/~
> Scar tagged along,
>hoping for a chance of a meal. The rest of the pride were watching the
>brothers scan the horizon together, looking out for well-hated foes.
TOM: Seeing as there weren't any well-hated friends around.
> Mufasa looked toward Scar with a reasuring smile.
> "I can look across our land hundreds of times without spotting a
>enemy, calm down," Mufasa mumured.
MIKE: [Musafa] Of course, with my eyesight, I couldn't spot a hyena if it
was right in front of me.
> "It's not that. Last night--" Scar begain.
CROW: [Mufasa] Don't feel ashamed. That happens to all men once in a while.
MIKE: CROW!
> "Go on. Yeah, last night, what?" Mufasa continued.
> "I was unable to go to bed," Scar answered.
> "Why not?" Mufasa demanded.
TOM: Perhaps because it's hard to find a bed in the middle of the African
wilderness?
> "If I told you, you wouln't believe me," Scar mumbled.
> The two brothers fell silent. After a minute or two
CROW: Who knows? Even the author doesn't!
> of looking
>across the horizon, Mufasa and Scar continued on with their day, not
>worrying about anything.
> Zazu flew down towards the two siblings
TOM: So Zazu, Mufasa and Scar are bothers, now?
> as if he was shot down
>by a rocket. The blue hornbill landed not-so-gracefully in front of Scar.
>Seeing Scar, Zazu walked to Mufasa and looked up at him with frightened
>eyes.
CROW: Well, that would make Zazu pretty Scar-ed.
MIKE and TOM: [Loud groaning]
> "Sire, may I have a word with you privately?" Zazu asked.
> "Sure, Scar, make yourself scarce around here," requested Mufasa.
CROW: He sure scarce Zazu already!
MIKE and TOM: [Louder groaning]
> "There seems to be a pack of wolves who moved in with us," Zazu
>exclaimed.
> "Are you sure they arn't dogs?" Mufasa questioned.
MIKE: [Zazu] I'm not sure. Are dogs large and gray with a big tail up front
and a small one in the back?
CROW: [Mufasa] Those are elephants, Zazu.
MIKE: [Zazu] Oh. It's hard to tell the difference.
> "No. They are wolves," Zazu said with a slightly nervous voice.
> "There's no need to worry," Mufasa rumbled.
> "Why not?" Zazu squawked imediantly.
CROW: [Mufasa] They're only intruding on our hunting grounds and eating our
prey! There's *nothing* to worry about!
> "I know them," replied Mufasa.
> "The leader is the wise Greystone.
MIKE: Greystone: Lord of the wolves.
> He knows the area from the Masi
>Mara to Pinncacle Peak,
CROW: As well as Mount Hill and Redundancy River.
> and knows every creature who lives in this
>continent," Mufasa answered calmly.
TOM: He knows EVERY creature in AFRICA?
CROW: Danger! Danger! Incoming hyperbole at five o'clock!
> "But, Sire, they are dangerous," Zazu muttered under his breath.
> "Zazu, the wolves know us very well.
TOM: Despite being indigenous to different continents.
> They respect us well. If
>they were dangerous like the hunting dogs that man keeps,
TOM: Excuse me? Since when have humans existed in The Lion King's universe?
MIKE: I would guess, just about since the beginning of this post.
> I'm sure they
>would've done a lot of harm if they wanted to right now," told Mufasa.
> Zazu scorned
MIKE: Mental note: Never leave Meaghan Edwards alone with a thesaurus.
> and flew off into the distance. Mufasa rolled up his
>eyes
CROW: [Sound of rollerblind flapping]
> and went out to look for Scar. He spotted him lying under an Acacia
>tree, half-asleep.
> "Scar," Mufasa muttered.
> "What is it this time?" Scar grumbled.
CROW: [Mufasa] Same as last time, it's hardened tissue formed after a wound
has healed, but that's not important right now.
> "There's something I got to tell you," Mufasa went on.
> "Make it quick!" Scar snapped.
TOM: And was taken to an asylum by lions in white coats.
> "A couple of wolves moved in with us," he contiunued.
> "Wolves? In the Pridelands? Nonsence," Scar growled.
CROW: At last the truth begins to dawn on *someone*.
> "I'm telling you the truth," Mufasa snarled.
> Scar held up with his head, heavy with fatigue.
MIKE: Lying under a tree sleeping is just *so* exhausting.
> "Oh, really? Who
>told you this?" Scar asked in a slightly angry tone.
TOM: D sharp.
> "Zazu," Mufasa rumbled.
> "I don't belive a word that bird says," Scar yawned.
> "You should," Mufasa imputed.
CROW: Because, as we all know, Musafa has plenty of imputence.
MIKE: Did I just hear the sound of ramchips flying away?
> "Why shall I?" Scar jeered.
> "Because everytime a feral dog runs through our land, Zazu is the
>one who reports the sightings," Mufasa said in-a-matter-of-factly voice.
> "True, but that dog was a huntin' dog, a hound, not a feral dog,"
>Scar sneered.
CROW: o/~ You ain't a-nuthin' but a hound dog, lion all the time. o/~
> "It's not always like that. A few times we've had a few run-ins
>with a couple of Pit Bull packs
ALL: [start snickering]
CROW: Does this writer know ANYTHING about African wildlife?
TOM: Mike, could you please erase all zoology knowledge from my memory
circuits? It would make reading this fanfic a whole lot easier.
MIKE: Easy, guys. It's almost over.
> who destroyed a few herds of Wildebeest
>and Zebra," said Mufasa in his usual, deep and annoying voice.
TOM: In this unusually shallow and annoying fanfic.
> "Oh, yeah, I remember that," Scar remembered.
MIKE: I have to say that Meaghan rivals Ratliff for bad prose, Mike had to
say.
CROW: Except if Ratliff wrote this, it would have been ten chapters long,
the robot crowed.
TOM: Is it okay if I'm self-referential here?, asked Tom swiftly.
> Scar and Mufasa went on with surveying their kingdom together. In
>the distance, a wavering howl echoed across the landscape. The two
>brothers froze in their tracks.
MIKE: It was really cold on the savannah today.
> In the skyline, a pack of about thirteen
>grey wolves trot across the knolls
MIKE: Taking two short steps forward and a third to bring the paws
together.
> and streams that borderline the
>pridelands from other territories. Seeing the lions, a old silver wolf,
>whiteing with age, slowly steps out the pack and towards Mufasa and Scar.
CROW: Whew! That's a relief! I almost thought Meaghan was going to stick
to one tense in this story.
>The ageing wolf was well past the age of twelve, his ribs proniment.
TOM: [sarcasm sequencer turned way up] Well, of *course*! It's not like
a pack of wolves would have anyone *vigorous* who could *hunt* and
was *stronger* than the other wolves as its alpha male! Sheesh!
> The
>other wolves looked on cautiously.
> "Mufasa, I remember last time that I saw you was when you and your
>brother were fighting to see who will become king," Greystone begain.
TOM: Then, why didn't we meet any wolves in the last story?
MIKE: I think it's a retcon... thing.
CROW: *I* think the last story was so bad that not even Meaghan bothered
to read it.
> "Ah, yes, and when I last saw you was when you were hunting down
>that mean old buffalo bull with your pack," recollected Mufasa.
> "Where abouts did you come from?" requested Scar with curiousity.
> "From far away Botswanna.
CROW and TOM: Bots wanna end the fanfic now!
> It's great there, but the rivers are
>narrowing with the arrival of drought,
MIKE: So we started drinking Guinness on drought instead.
> and the herds have been long
>since moved on," Greystone added.
> "You can stay here as long as you wish, Greystone. Your knowledge
>could help us sometime when we are in trouble," Mufasa invited.
TOM: ...Greystone for dinner, but for some reason, the wolf rejected. Well,
he was too skinny anyway.
> "Thank you, Mufasa. The Pridelands are always stocked with
>vegatation and water which attracts more and more prey species each and
>every year. With the threat of extiction for many species in this
>planet, we could only hope for survival of the ecosystem to contine the
>circle of life," told Greystone wisely.
TOM: But didn't he just write that there are *more* and *more* species in the
pridelands each year?
CROW: You expect consistency at this point?
> The wolf pack moved in with the Pride, and with the knowledge of
>the old and wise wolf, Greystone, the pride seeks for a better future in
>the cruel and harsh world of man and his traps.
MIKE: But since there were no wolves with the pride when Simba was born,
one can assume that the pack didn't escape the cruel and harsh world
of lions and their claws.
>
>
>==========================================================================
>
>coments about this fan-fic are always welcome.
MIKE: You can't believe how much we appreciate that, Meaghan.
>
>Meaghan Edwards ak...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca
>
>==========================================================================
>From: ak...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca (Meagnan Edwards)
CROW: Oh no, not again!
>Subject: Not again!!!
ALL: HEY!
>Date: 1997/01/11
>Message-Id: <5b8op2$f...@main.freenet.hamilton.on.ca>
>Organization: Hamilton-Wentworth FreeNet, Ontario, Canada.
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.disney.animation
>
>
> I never really thought this before,
MIKE: Actually, I never really thought before.
> but I do belive Scar is a
>hybrid.
TOM: I also believe that 75 billion years ago, an alien called Xenu
stuffed a lot of freeze-dried souls in a volcano and set it off
with nukes.
>I guess some mad scientist wanted to create something that was
>half-wolf and half-lion, with greyhound thrown in.
CROW: Unfortunately, that scientist only succeeded in creating Torgo.
> Neverless, that
>scientist is a hero for creating Scar, the most handsome thing on four
>legs!
>
>You see, here I go again......
MIKE: Please, don't feel the need to rush.
>
>Meaghan
TOM: No, but *I* feel the need to rush. Let's go.
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[end of part 2]