(3/4) The MiSTing Authors' Own Fanfics Reviewed v.2.0
Jim W.
PEARL[voice-over]: This little bugger is by Skyrocket.
MIKE: Whatever. [mumbling] Lousy fanfics.
>Sailor Deathmatch
>
>Disclaimer: Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi. Celebrity Deathmatch
>belongs to MTV. Everything else belongs to whoever it belongs to. This
>story is meant for the purpose of parody. No offense is meant to any
>character.
CROW: Except maybe Reenie.
>
>(cue music, begin Johnny Gomez voice-over)
>
>JG: East verses West, it’s an age old struggle. Tonight that struggle
>will burst out of our ring and into your living room. It’s the far out
>Far East verses the wild, wild, West! Here on Celebrity Deathmatch!
MIKE: Waitaminute. Wild West would mean Europe, and Far East would mean
America.
That would kind of seem out of perspective.
SERVO: But, Mike, that would only mean if you were looking at a flat map with
Asia on the left. What if Asia was on the right, as with most maps?
MIKE: ...you lost me. Let's just keep reading.
>(cut to a shot of Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez)
>ND: Hello, everyone. I’m Nick Diamond.
>JG: And I’m Johnny Gomez.
>ND: Johnny, in the 37 years of it’s existence Celebrity Deathmatch has
>gone a long way to let people see their favorite stars beat each other
>senseless in our ring. But we’ve never had to go this far to give the
>people what they wanted. This time we went all the way to Japan!
CROW: They've gone farther than that. They had an alien in one of the
episodes.
>JG: Because you demanded it, ladies and gentlemen, Japan’s favorite
>superheroes are here tonight. That’s right, the Sailor Scouts are here
>in the Deathmatch arena!
MIKE: And who are they fighting? None other than their American counterparts,
the Power Rangers! Let's give our favorite team our support!
ALL: Go Scouts! Go Scouts!
>ND: And to celebrate this historic event we’ll be bringing you an extra
>long edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. There will be six, yes six, fights
>to the finish here tonight.
>JG: Longtime Deathmatch fans are sure to remember when Hanson took on
>the Spice Girls for the title of "Most Annoying Band in the World".
>Well, our first fight is a clash between two other titans of annoyance.
>It’s Chibi-usa, know to dub fans as Rini, verses Star Trek: The Next
>Generation’s own Wesley Crusher! These two will slug it out for the
>title of "Character Most Hated by Fans"!
SERVO[Nick]: But wait, Johnny! It seems that there is another contender who
wants
to win that title! It's Marrissa Picard from Stephen Ratliff's universe!
>ND: And that brings us to a match that is sure to burn down the house.
>It’s that pint-sized pyro Sailor Mars verses that fiery member of the
>Fantastic Four, the Human Torch!
>JG: Then you’ll be seeing the first part of our double main event. And
>in this case we do mean double. We’re talking all out war between two
>blondes, both idols to millions, and their talking cats. It’s Sailor
>Venus and Artimus versus Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Salem!
MIKE: Tonight's fight will be written by TV's Frank.
>ND: And our showcase of slaughter doesn’t stop there. Then it’s a battle
>of brains and beauty. The sizzling, but smart, Sailor Mercury rumbles
>with the exquisite, but intellectual, Dana Scully from the X-Files!
CROW: Yes, it's the fight between two women that will never kiss on national
TV.
>JG: After that we’ve got Gotham City’s favorite dirty bird, the Penguin,
>crossing canes with that penguin suit lovin’, rose tossin’ hero, Tuxedo
>Mask!
SERVO: Okay, now we've entered the "just throw two guys together" section
of Deathmatch writing.
>ND: And that will take us to tonight’s other main event. Representing
>the Sailor Scouts we have their meatballheaded leader, Sailor Moon and
>that underage Amazon, Sailor Jupiter! And in the other corner, from the
>hit comic book Gen13, will be that red-haired mistress of mayhem,
>Fairchild, and everyone’s favorite magical drama queen, Freefall!
MIKE: Let's see if Jupiter can pry Serina from the ring post long enough
to fight.
>JG: You’ll be seeing all that, plus our own Stacy Cornbread’s exclusive
>interview with Sailor Moon’s creator, Naoko Takeuchi, right after this.
>The End
>
ALL: WHAT!
MIKE: Why end there?
>Okay, you must be wondering "Why end there?"
MIKE: Well, yeah!
>Simple. Action scenes are
>dull in script format and Celebrity Deathmatch doesn’t work as prose.
>Besides, however you imagine the fights in your own head will be a 100
>times better than anything I could put on paper. Use that imagination,
>folks!
CROW: Then why the heck go through all the trouble of writing this thing if we
don't even get a fight?
SERVO: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! [body explodes and head falls to the floor]
MIKE: Huh.
[commercials]
Jim the Ignorant (formerly Jim, that MiSTie)
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html (terribly out-of-date)
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My next MiSTing: ep. 306-"The Knothole Murders"
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***4 episodes left.***