[MSTing] seaQuest 2047: Crossover, part 2
Zach Wilson
The real part two. I realize that it does say it twice. My bad.. Oh,
yeah, there's bad shorts in front of each bit..
Oh, yes...
Goto my web site at http://sqx.simplenet.com/mstings for more of my
MSTings...
Zach Wilson
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(SOL)
(Mike is sitting quietly looking at a small TV.
MIKE: I love Hogan's Hero's.
TV: I know nothing, I saw nothing..
MIKE: Heh.
(Crow walks in)
CROW: Hey Mike. What are you watching?
MIKE: Hogan's Heros.
TV: Klink!
CROW: Oh, that. Did you know that's the number one show in Germany right now?
MIKE: Really? You don't say.
CROW: Yup, sure is.
MIKE: Neat.
CROW: Hey, Mike. I've been watching you watch this for several minutes.
MIKE: And?
CROW: Do you ever laugh?
MIKE: Umm.. No.
CROW: So it's not that funny then.
MIKE: Of course it is.
CROW: Then why don't you laugh?
MIKE: Because it's not ha-ha funny. It's guffgaw funny.
CROW: Guffgaw? What the flamin ferret is a guffgaw?
MIKE: You know, it's a chuckle that you kindof swallow before it gets to the open air.
CROW: Why?
MIKE: Because you don't feel like being rude.
CROW: (Looking around) I don't see anybody else.
MIKE: It's a human things. Try it.
CROW: Okay.. Swallow a chuckle.. Uh oh, I gotta sneeze...
MIKE: Ah! (Crow's head explodes, save for his beak)
CROW: Good one Nelson..
MIKE: I'll get you fixed up now.. That's the last thing I expected.. (commercial sign)
We'll be right back..
(Insert da-da-da here)
(SOL)
(Mike is putting Crow's net thingie back on.. Tom walks in)
TOM: Hey, it's been what.. An hour since we got that Crossover what'cha ma dozzit right?
MIKE: Or so.. What's your point?
TOM: Well, I've been working on something. You know that black hole devise that they used in
there? That one that zig-zagged them all over the place.
MIKE: Yeah. Do you have a point?
TOM: Well, I made one. Maybe we can escape with it. Just type "pirate" on the keypad over there
Mike.
MIKE: Okay.. (types something, a big vortex appears) Wow! Well.. Hmmm.. Who wants to go first?
TOM: It's mine, I'll go first.
CROW: Me! Me! Me!
MIKE: I'll just stay here then..
CROW: Huh? Why?
MIKE: Inter-dimentional vortexes give me gas..
TOM: Your loss. (under breath) wimp.. (normal) Here we go!
(Tom and Crow go into the vortex, Mike turns on the TV)
TV: They call you Klink the fink..
(SOL?)
(Mike is sitting quietly watching the TV, just like he was when they left. But the SOL
is completely different. It is now dull with flat, olive green surfaces. Crow and Servo crash
in from the ceiling.)
MIKE: Hey, guys, back already? So, how was that black hole deal?
CROW: Oh, it was.. Hey! What happened to the SOL?
TOM: Yeah, it's so... Dull.
MIKE: It's been this way for awhile now, ever since Dr F turned commie.
CROW: Oh, yeah, I remember th- Dr F turned commie?
MIKE: Yeah.. I guess you guys are from another dimention or some such thing.
TOM: Apparantly..
MIKE: Yeah, well, Dr F turned commie after Frank left, he even got a new henchman.
CROW: Really? Who? Because I always thought that somebody needed to be there to keep him sane.
MIKE: Good luck.. I love Stalin's Heros.. hehehe...
TOM: Stalin's Heros? (mad light)
MIKE: Oh, look the East German swim team is calling..
(Deep Soviet)
(Dr F is the same, but Deep 13 is not. In the back ground through a window the Kremlin can
clearly be seen, and framed pictures of Lenin and Stalin are on either side. There are also
many, many Soviet flags about.)
DR F: Hello, Mike, robots.. I assume that you've been paying your party dues..
(SOL)
MIKE: Yeah, got that handled..
CROW: Party due- (Mike covers his beak)
(Deep Soviet)
DR F: Well, down here we have been having quite a difficult time.. Namely well.. It turns out
that the Soviet Union no longer exists.. I guess I didn't get the memo or something..
(SOL)
TOM: Hey, you said something about a new henchman, who did they get?
MIKE: Oh, Torgo the red, the feared cossak from the Siberian wastes.
TOM: Well I can- Huh?
(Deep Soviet)
DR F: Torgo! Bring the experiment at once!
(Torgo "walks" on-screen carrying a disk in his hand.)
TORGO: HeRe it is m-m-m-m-MasteR.. I had to re-formaT a ROL disk-k, we were r-r-running out..
DR F: What ever..
TORGO: The m-m-master wouldn't approve of free elections..
DR F: Yes, yes..
TORGO: DeMmocRacy will falL sooon... The m-m-Master does apProve of P-P-PepSI, democracy will
falL sooon...
DR F: Yes, yes, yes.. (Aside) He's not very bright, but he's loyal. (Normal) Anyway, your
experiment this week is the second half of a seaQuest fan fic that shows why American
culture bites the big one. Oh, yes, and there's a short that tries to copy the feature,
in this country, imitators are shot.. In a democracy you have all your laws and what-not.
Read it and weep capitalist pig!
(SOL)
CROW: ROL?
MIKE: Russia On-Line. They've just changed their rates I was thinking of- (movie sign)
TOM: We've got fan fic sign!!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
MIKE: A double doesage of seaQuest.. Hope we can survive.
>
>SeaQuest SNN
>"Final Run"
TOM: Up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
>Story & Script by Marat Freytsis
CROW: That's a name that just comes up and slaps you in the mouth.
>January 25, 1997
>Based on seaQuest dsv/2032 by amblin entertainment and universal telivison
>and nbc. seaquest ssn is copyrited to the creators Chris Luby and Marat
>Freytsis
MIKE: Doubtful, but he made a good effort. He get's a gold star.
>
>TEASER
>
>FADE IN TO SKY
TOM: Wow. Sky.
>It's sunset, but there is still a lot of light. As we pan down we see
>Lieutenant Commander Wallace, Lieutenant Commander Anderson, and Ensign
>Myers walking down a street.
CROW: Boy, the Russian army is really desperate for money..
MIKE: It's always sad when military men have to walk the streets..
> Only a few people can be seen walking outside.
>Wallace turns to Anderson.
MIKE: (Oliver Stone) The bullet entered his skull here.. Rewind that footage again.
>
>WALLACE
>It's hard to believe this used to be the headquarters of the UEO, it
>feels so...
TOM: (Wallace) It makes me feel dirty..
>(searching for right word)
>...deserted.
CROW: (Wallace) Oh, wait, this isn't UEO head quarters, it's the ghost town next door!
>
>ANDERSON
>Well, It's amazing that there are that many people here anyway. This
>place was hit pretty badly by the Virus. Only 20,000 people were left in the
>end. Now it's up to 60,000.
MIKE: So, apparantly, there weren't as many casualties as previously thought.. Is that what
I'm getting?
>
>MYERS
>(interrupting)
>I think we should speed up, we're supposed to be there by 1800 hours.
TOM: (Anderson) Well, we're already running everywhere. Maybe we should take a golf cart or
somthing..
>
>ANDERSON:
>(looks at her watch)
>You're right, it's 1730 already.
CROW: (Anderson) Oh, no, my roast! It's still in the oven!
>
>They noticeably speed up their pace but continue talking.
MIKE: Thrilling jogging action.
>
>MYERS
>So...
>Does anyone know why we were called away from the Alpha in the first
>place?
TOM: (Myers) I thought you summoned us..
MIKE: (Anderson) I thought you summoned me..
CROW: (Wallace) It's a trap!!! (Normal) Then suddenly thousands of troopers blew them all
sunny-side up, the end.
>
>Myers looks at Wallace, he shrugs, the looks at Anderson, she shrugs too.
CROW: Wallace from Wallace and Gromit and Lori Anderson in roles that will surprise you.
>
>MYERS
>I mean, 5 months ago we were called away and put on other ships. Me on
>the Bridger...
MIKE: (Clinton) The bridge to the twenty-first century turns out to be a submarine..
>(nodding at Anderson)
>... you on the Richard, and...
TOM: (Chuckling) Oh, yeah, I wan't to serve on the Richard.. What a horrible ship name..
>(nodding at Wallace)
>... you on the Natulus.
CROW: (Heston) A planet where apes evolved from men?
>They wouldn't just reassign us for no reason, would they? And telling us
>not to admit we served on the Alpha, why?
MIKE: Because you had the early versions of the software.. They re-scrapped the whole engine
and..
>
>No one gives an answer.
>They keep walking.
TOM: (Singing) I'm walking, yes indeed, I'm walking, with you and me..
>
>WALLACE
>(pointing to a building)
>Isn't that the dock there?
MIKE: (Wallace) How did we miss that?
>
>MYERS
>(to himself)
>We couldn't have gotten here already.
CROW: Well, you kindof have..
>
>As Wallace says the line, the group turns a corner and walk into the
>door.
MIKE: (Wallace) Ow!
>
>CUT TO MAIN DOCK BUILDING
>
>Although it's obvious that the dock was built to accommodate many more
>people, there is still a large crowd of 200 or so people.
TOM: As opposed the many more people that could be in it..
> In front of them there
>is a stage. Most of them are from the Alpha since they're wearing the
>uniforms.
CROW: You know, it might be nice to let the audience in onto what is happening..
> Anderson, Wallace, and Myers walk in.
>
>ANDERSON
>(to Myers)
>Well, it was certainly a shorter walk then you said, Zach .
MIKE: Zach? Why is that name so familer?
CROW: He took over your spot in one of these.. Remember?
MIKE: Oh, yeah.. He's probably writing us right now.
ZACH: I am.
>
>MYERS
>Sorry, I thought it was still another 2 miles to walk.
CROW: (Myers) For I am "lack of depth perseption man!"
>
>As Anderson and Myers continue arguing, Wallace notices Ensign Henrichs
>in the crowd. She waves to him.
TOM: Then pulls out her gun and snaps off two clean shots.
>
>WALLACE
>(to Anderson and Myers)
>Hey guys, there's Henrichs.
MIKE: (Henrichs) Yeah, and I am German.
>
>Anderson and Myers stop to look. Once they see her they start to walk
>toward the crowd.
CROW: But the crowd turns into an angry mob, made more powerful because of the nearby swamps,
and trample them to death.
>
>MYERS
>(to Henrichs)
>So, when did you get here? It's still another 20 minutes till 1800.
TOM: (Myers) We're partying like it's 1799! Whoo!
>
>HENRICHS
>I got here at about 4 o'clock.
>
>ALL
>Four o'clock?
MIKE: (Henrichs) Yes, I got here at four o'clock.
>
>HENRICHS
>Yea, I collect stuff from the last 50 or so years before the UEO
>completely broke up so I wanted to come and see this dock, after all, all the
>seaQuests were stationed here at one time or another.
TOM: Wow, seaQuest groupies. Who'd of thought?
>(pause)
>Although I haven't found anything interesting yet.
CROW: (Henrichs) Maybe because they were never actually here to begin with.
>As she finishes speaking, Captain Taylor comes on to the stage, everyone
>sees him except for Henrichs. Everyone stops paying attention to her.
MIKE: Group attention defecincy syndrome..
>HENRICHS
>What?
>(turns around)
>Oh.
TOM: I agree with him one-hundred percent..
>
>As the camera zooms in on the captain he begins talking.
>
>TAYLOR
>I'm glad some of you were able to get here early. In twenty minutes all
>of you will once again take your posts at the Alpha.
CROW: (Taylor) Then you will take your posts on the Beta, then the Ceta, the Gamma, the-
MIKE: That's enough.
> In the meanwhile I'm glad
>to announce that we have been able to sucure all of the original crew...
>...except one. Our Commander Bains has left to help coordinate the Eden
>Project. Now, I present, your new XO, Commander Porter.
TOM: Oh, the cover acts are never as good as the main attraction..
>
>CUT TO HENRICHS
>
>HENRICHS
>Oh, no!
MIKE: Hello? Would you mind letting us in?
>
>FADE OUT
>
>INTRO.
>
>FADE IN TO DOCK
CROW: The party had ended hours ago.. Myers woke up from his bed of beer bottles..
>
>CAPTION ON SCREEN:
>CapeQuest
>April 5, 2193
>900 Hours
>Next day
TOM: Well, it's not April 6th.. That was fast.
>
>Both people and robots are working around the Alpha
MIKE: Then the robots suddenly snap and attack their masters.
>
>CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM ON ALPHA
>
>All of the senior staff, Taylor, Porter, Anderson, Wallace, and Chief
>Medical Officer Wilson are there.
CROW: (Dennis t Mennis) Mr Wilson!
>
>TAYLOR
>I trust you have all seen our new commander, Porter.
MIKE: Hey, in the future they still have porters?
>(he gestures toward Porter, sounds of approval, yes, etc.)
TOM: Then the molitov cocktails started flying..
>You must all understand that for the last five months the seaQuest fleet
>has been going through a major refit as you just saw when you got on board.
CROW: (Taylor) The fact that half the ship is flooded should give that away.
>You see, we have gotten information that in the next half year the Council
>will stage an invasion of the oceans.
MIKE: (Taylor) And yes, the Super Friends wil help us, but we have to be the guys that jump
out of the submarins before they explode.
> We hoped we wouldn't have to upgrade the
>seaQuest yet, but unfortunately we have no idea of what the Council has
>developed. The Alpha and Beta have been remodeled and the Journey's have
>been completely changed.
TOM: (Taylor) They are all now toasters that sink, but we will fight on anyway.
> We could not have allowed the Council to find
>out that the COA was missing its flagships.
CROW: They're probably with the keys and the remote.
> Unfortunately, we are still in
>the testing stage. We are leaving at 400 hours tomorrow. For the next few
>days we will be conducting tests.
MIKE: At the testing phase? You're a rebel aren't you?
>(looks around)
>I trust all of you will be able to refrain from telling anyone off ship.
TOM: This is where the press suddenly jumps out and starts interigating them..
>The Council can intercept any public message. Be sure you know what you are
>saying when you talk to other people. That is all.
CROW: And that's basic advice..
>
>Staff leave most head for the bridge, Wallace heads in other direction.
MIKE: He's not very bright, but they are desperate for soldiers.
>
>TAYLOR
>Commander, were are you going?
TOM: (Wallace) What? Who are you? I remember back in '35.. Now that was a good year..
>
>WALLACE
>(turning around)
>I'm going to the rec. room, my shift doesn't start till 1200 hours, and
>it's in engineering.
CROW: That's two unrelated ideas..
>
>TAYLOR
>All right, but I want to be sure that those engines will be able to
>handle the tests.
MIKE: (Taylor) Because if they didn't pass the tests, they would fail.
>
>WALLACE
>Aye, sir.
>
>Wallace leaves.
>
>CUT TO CORRIDOR
CROW: That was a horrible game.
>
>Wallace is walking down a noticeably improved corridor when he stops and
>looks at a door, its Ensign Henrichs'.
TOM: Ensign Henrichs' what?
MIKE: I think the author used that just to sound like he knew what he was doing.
>
>WALLACE
>(calling)
>Can I come in?
MIKE: (Henrichs) Commander Wallace, are you trying to seduce me?
>
>HENRICHS
>(V.O.)
>Sure, step right through.
>
>CUT TO HENRICHS QUARTERS
CROW: That was a useful scene.. NOT!
>It's obvious she's obsessed with seaQuest memorabilia, there is a model
>of the seaQuest, and old magazine with a picture of the then "new"
>seaQuest DSV on it and even a uniform hanging on the wall from the first seaQuest.
TOM: Probably the exact specifications of the writer's room.
>Henrichs is unpacking. Wallace walks through the door
>
>HENRICHS
>Is it any wonder I got sent to the Alpha?
MIKE: Actually, I didn't know that the Navy let in wackos.
>(continues unpacking)
>By the way, why did you want to see me?
CROW: (Wallace) That's for me to know and you to find out..
>
>WALLACE
>(uncertain)
>I was wondering about yesterday, what was that all about.
>
>HENRICHS
>(stops packing, looks up)
TOM: He's going to charge!
>About porter, huh?
>
>WALLACE
>(more sure)
>Yes.
MIKE: (Wallace) Yes, you didn't bother to capitalize a name.
>
>HENRICHS
>Well, we were in the same class at the Academy and we didn't get along
>much. Originally we were tied for first place, but then I flunked one test and
>dropped down to 17th of class. At the graduation she wouldn't leave me alone
>because of that.
CROW: Revenge of the Nerds: 2192.
>(beat)
>But something's strange, I'd been following her career and a few years
>ago she dropped out of sight, and now she reappears as a commandeer?
TOM: He's not full of rage or anything.
>it doesn't make sense.
>
>Henrichs regains herself and starts packing.
>
>HENRICHS
>I think you better go, I don't you came down here to see me. I fact I bet
>you were going to the rec. room.
CROW: alt.rec.room, the group with absolutely no plan or topic.
> So, if your shift starts at 1200 hours like
>you told me you should get going.
>
>WALLACE
>Bye.
MIKE: He said bye! Wow!
>
>Wallace leaves as Henrichs continues packing.
CROW: (Henrichs) My barbies, my beanie babies, my Game Boy, who needs clothes?
>
>FADE OUT
>
>FADE IN TO ALPHA -- (CGI)
TOM: This is a script, we wouldn't know if it's a computer graphic or not.
>
>The Alpha is traveling along a ridge at a noticeably high speed.
MIKE: Not to us..
>CUT TO BRIDGE
CROW: Commerce! Tourism and Industry! All available in the beautiful bay area!
>The bridge looks totally different. Although the layout is the same all
>the equipment has been noticeably improved.
TOM: This is one of those stories written by the people that assume you can see into their
brains and see what they were.
> Taylor, Porter, Anderson, and
>Myers are on the bridge. Captain Taylor flips down his vidset.
MIKE: (Taylor) Who used this last? All I see is porn.
>TAYLOR
>(to engineering)
>Wallace, are you there?
TOM: (Wallace) Only in body sir...
>CUT TO ENGINEERING
CROW: Scene over, perfect.. What were the writers thinking?
>Engineering is not yet fully finished there are some workers still
>installing a panels here or there.
MIKE: You know.. In a ship in this state of repair.. I have two words: dry dock.
>WALLACE
>(flips down his vidset)
>Yes, sir, I'm here.
TOM: (Wallace) Directly in front of you.
>TAYLOR
>(V.O.)
>Are you all ready?
CROW: (Wallace) We're in about the same amount of repair here as Mir, so yeah.
>WALLACE
>We are ready to go, sir. The engine is operating at 300% of the old
>engine's rating.
MIKE: (Wallace) Of course, it's 600% larger, and to go faster would make all the water vaporize
around us.
>TAYLOR
>Good, Taylor out.
TOM: The barber and the harbordasher are out as well.
>After Taylor signs off Wallace flips up the vidset and notices something
>is wrong.
CROW: (Wallace) Hey.. We're under water!
> Someone is working on the wrong panel.
MIKE: Does this fan fic delibrately take out all the tension?
>WALLACE
>(yelling, to crewman)
>Stop! Who told you to work on that panel?
TOM: (Crewman) Whose in charge down here, I dunno.. You.
>CREWMAN
>Lieutenant Reinman, sir, but he said he got the order from someone higher
>up.
MIKE: (Wallace) God huh? Well I'm Islamic so I have to kill you now.
>WALLACE
>Well this panel is installed, if you'd worked on it we would have lost
>the engines.
CROW: I thought he was installing it wrong.. I'm lost
MIKE: So are the writers.
>(points to a workstation)
>That station need adjusting, go work there.
TOM: (Crewman) Yes mine furher..
CROW: (Wallace) What was that?
TOM: (Crewman) Nothing, nothing.
>CREWMAN
>Yes, sir.
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
MIKE: Yet another scene completed just to pad out the episode.. Hey, we're almost half way done.
>The bridge crew is sitting there, waiting for the test to begin. The
>screen is on.
TOM: (Crewman) Star Trek again?
>TAYLOR
>All right, everyone's ready. Let's start, Myers, the engines to half
>throttle.
CROW: Well, according to what Wallace just said, that would plop them into orbit.
>MYERS
>Yes, sir.
>
>Myers hit a few switches and...
MIKE: The ship explodes, and those that didn't die in the flames drown, the end.
>CUT TO SCREEN
>
>The seascape is now moving forward much faster. There is a small mountain
>ridge on the left of the Alpha.
TOM: It's one of those IMAX rides.. Whoa!
>TAYLOR
>(V.O.)
>Increase to 3/4 throttle.
CROW: (Dark Helmet) Ludicrious speed now!
>MYERS
>(V.O.)
>Affirmative.
MIKE: This guy uses the script format like a blunt intsament.
>The Alpha starts moving even faster.
TOM: Big 'ol duh to that.
>ANDERSON
>(V.O.)
>We are now traveling at 225 knots.
CROW: (Anderson) And breaking the laws of physics..
>CUT TO TAYLOR
>
>He flips down the vidset.
MIKE: Wow, I didn't expect that at all.
>TAYLOR
>Calling Wallace, is the engine holding up?
TOM: (Wallace) What was that? The radiation is leaking to loudly!
>CUT TO WALLACE IN ENGINEERING
>
>He is working on one of the stations in engineering. Doesn't bother to
>turn on the vidset.
CROW: Wow! He didn't bother to check his answering machine, wow.
>WALLACE
>There are some fluctuations it engine output, but I'll take care of that.
MIKE: By confusing the audience into believing me!
>You may go to full speed.
TOM: (Taylor) If you want.. If you don't feel like it, we can just stop.
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>TAYLOR
>Very well.
CROW: (Taylor) I can see your point of veiw.. If I was a jerk.
>(flips up vidset, to Myers)
>You may proceed to full speed
MIKE: (Taylor) If you feel like it. Cause y'know, if you don't want to, we can just get coffee
or something..
>MYERS
>Yes, sir.
TOM: There's only so many jokes you can make about various "yesses"..
>CUT TO OUTSIDE THE ALPHA -- (CGI)
>
>As the Alpha moves by we go along with it. The Alpha begins to pick up
>speed and go faster for about 10 seconds.
CROW: Zero to warp speed in ten seconds.
> Then suddenly there is one brief
>burst from the engines, and they go out. The Alpha starts to loose speed and
>its nose points downward.
MIKE: And just because one A-Wing crashed into the bridge... It's a shame..
> Just before it hits sea bottom it pulls up and
>skids across it finally coming to a stop.
TOM: This is where they start eating eachother.
>CUT TO BRIDGE
CROW: Let's see, they hit the bottom of the ocean at like three-hundred miles and hour, and
everything is fine.. I don't think so!
>As the Alpha stops everyone is pulled out of their seats and the lights
>go out, the emergency lights come on.
TOM: Pop quiz hot-shot, your in a large submarine and it crashes, who do you eat first?
>TAYLOR
>(into vidset)
>Wallace, what just happened?
MIKE: (Wallace) The engine exploded and I'm talking to you from as a ghost, sir.
>WALLACE
>(on other side, V.O.)
>I don't know, the readings showed that everything was fine, and then the
>engines just gave out. I'll be able to run a diagnostic on them it under
>ten minutes.
CROW: (Wallace) Then I might or might not be able to eventually figure out what the problem is..
>TAYLOR
>Get on it.
>(turns to Porter)
>In the meanwhile, Commander, I want you to take whoever you need and get
>power and weapons back on-line. I don't want us to be sitting ducks.
TOM: (Taylor) I'd rather be a floating shark, figuring we're under water and all..
>Anyone could find us and shoot us down.
MIKE: I thought you were down..
>PORTER
>Yes, sir
>(to Anderson)
>Anderson, some with me.
CROW: (Anderson) Some what sir?
>They exit out the door together
TOM: Jeffry 2: Electric Buagloo.
>FADE OUT
>
>FADE IN TO ENGINEERING
MIKE: They didn't cut? Hey, I'm actually surprised by this fan fic.. That won't last long.
>Wallace is sitting in a chair running a program of some kind. The
>emergency lights are still on. As we pan to see the screen he continues
>typing and then suddenly he stops.
CROW: (Wallace) How do you spell sure? Shouldn't it have an sh in it?
>WALLACE
>(to himself)
>Not THAT!
TOM: I'm just guessing that there will be four or five more scene cuts bye the time we are told
what they're talking about.
>(flips down vidset)
>Captain we have a problem.
CROW: No that's Houston-Never mind.
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>(During the conversation we go back and forth between bridge and
>engineering periodically)
MIKE: At our leguire..
>TAYLOR
>(flips down his vidset)
>What, have you isolated the cause?
TOM: (Wallace) Yes, it seems to be this rash on my toe.. It's started to turn blue..
>WALLACE
>Well, yes, but it wasn't an error it seems that someone deliberately
>fused mechanical and engine power so that when we brought the engines to
>max. speed they blew out.
CROW: Apparantly they wen't under fifty miles an hour..
>TAYLOR
>That means that there's a saboteur on board, do you have any leads?
MIKE: (Wallace) Well, there is a note that says "nyah, nyah, nyah, I did it, signed Gary."
>WALLACE
>Most of the people down here have the experience to do this and some
>other people I know, but so far there aren't any clues.
TOM: I have a feeling it's the one person that has been spoken about negetivly.. Just a chance.
>TAYLOR
>Fine, but do you have any idea how to fix this?
CROW: (Wallace) Several paragraphs and a few scene ending should do it.
>WALLACE
>I could fix this in 2 hours, but it would involve going out side the
>ship, since the engine itself aren't in working condition right now.
MIKE: But isn't the engine on the inside?
>Everything else someone could fix from inside the ship.
>
>TAYLOR
>I already sent Porter and Anderson to get the power back on. And as for
>the engines, why don't you take out the HR Probe?
TOM: Human recouces in the year 2047.
>WALLACE
>We have one, sir?
TOM: Do'h.
>TAYLOR
>They installed two during the refit.
CROW: You'd think that the chief engineer might know about this..
>WALLACE
>I see, thank you sir. Wallace out.
MIKE: (Wallace) And now, Andy Rooney.
>
>As Wallace starts to walk out, he turns around and comes back to turn off
>the computer, but not before we get to see the following information:
TOM: He's got mail.
>
>centsys Computer Database:
>Alpha Sabotage- Most probable suspect:
>Lieutenant Commander Alexander F. Wallace
>(picture)
CROW: This thing is as smart as HAL!
MIKE: Let's hope that it kills off 75% of the crew..
>
>FADE TO OTHER PART OF ENGINEERING
TOM: Such great scene description! What part of engineering was that again?
MIKE: Oh, you know.. That... Other part..
>
>Porter and Anderson are working together, Porter, at a station, and
>Anderson at the panel. Porter is typing while Anderson takes a break
CROW: (Anderson) It's Miller Time.
>PORTER
>(finishes typing)
>There, that should do it. Try now.
TOM: They must be trying to set up an answering machine..
>ANDERSON
>(sarcastic)
>Are you sure there isn't a sixth block after this one?
MIKE: (Porter) I'll give you a sixth block on the head!
>PORTER
>(ignoring the sarcasm)
>Positive
CROW: He's been listening to Up With People.
>ANDERSON
>All right then.
TOM: (Jim Carrey) Alllrighty then.
>
>She turns on a small laser, makes one more cut, punches a command up on a
>small screen in he panel and...
MIKE: The side mounted gas tank ignighted the napalm stored there..
>... the lights come back on around them.
>
>CUT TO VIEW OF THE WHOLE ENGINEERING
CROW: I'm trying to watch my figure so I only drink 2% enginering...
>
>The lights come on, one by one.
TOM: Why does SMUD always fail during peak hours?
>
>CUT TO CORRIDOR
>
>Lights are turning on in a line.
MIKE: No one will be seated during the bone-chilling lighting scene.
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>Lights all turn on, everyone is relieved.
CROW: This fan fic is a poster child for boring writing..
>
>TAYLOR
>(to vidset)
>Good job. Get back up here.
TOM: (Porter) Yes sir, I jump to your every single bloody command sir.
>
>PORTER
>(V.O.)
>Thank you, sir. We have everything except weapons and engines back
>on-line.
MIKE: Until they get a busy signal..
CROW: They shouldn't trust sQOL...
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE
>
>The Alpha comes to life with the ridge in the background. Our view comes
>higher and higher as we can see that behind a group or so black dots is
>getting bigger and bigger.
TOM: Huh. I think it was just me but didn't they kindof crash to the bottom of the ocean or
something? So I doubt they could see much of anything down there...
>
>FADE OUT
>
>FADE IN TO BACK OF ALPHA
CROW: The back of the Alpha is an interesting place.. Now grab your scalpel and make an
insision at the engine here...
>
>As we come closer, we see a HyperProbe moving along the Alpha towards the
>back. It is obviously much more advanced then the original Probes, it even
>has something that looks like a missile tube attached to its back.
MIKE: Oh, obviously. I think this is falling into the Chrysalis trap of not including those
that don't know every last detail about the show..
> As it
>makes its way to the back a small instrument that looks like a welding laser
>emerges out of its hand.
TOM: Could it be a welding laser perhaps?
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>Both Anderson and Porter come through the door and make their way back to
>their stations. Henrichs is know at her post. We zoom it on Anderson as
>she work her controls. The she stops and looks them over.
CROW: (Anderson) What the heck am I doing here? I don't know how to operate these controls..
>
>ANDERSON
>(alarmed)
>Captain, I'm picking up twenty-two ships from beyond the ridge, I'm can't
>get positive reading, but from what we know they look like NightVipers.
MIKE: So she can't get a possitive reading.. Yet identifies them.. Behind a ridge no less...
> ETA
>in 2 minutes
>
>TAYLOR
>Henrichs, arm weapons.
TOM: I'm still wondering how they're going to lift them selves off the ocean bottom..
>
>ANDERSON
>We don't have any, we weren't able to get them back on-line.
CROW: (Taylor) Dang winstock errors..
>
>TAYLOR
>Are the bay's working?
MIKE: This is too easy but.. The bay's have come to life and taken all the working! Run!
>
>PORTER
>Yes, sir.
>
>TAYLOR
>How many Tigers do we have it stock?
ALL: Lions and tigers and bears oh my, lions and tigers and bear oh my..
>
>HENRICHS
>(runs check)
>Five tigers, sir.
CROW: Four snapping turtles, three geese a laying, two lovebirds singing and Danny Bonadoche in
a pear tree too, sir.
>
>TAYLOR
>Porter, Anderson, Henrichs, get two more Tiger trained pilots and get
>out there now.
MIKE: I wonder if the tigers mind being ridden..
>
>PORTER, ANDERSON, and HENRICHS
>Yes, sir
TOM: Alluva sudden I got a "the the Eye Creatures" flash back...
>
>As they leave three crewmen come to take their place.
CROW: Is there like a slot in the ceiling that automattically drops down replacements?
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE ALPHA, AT ENGINES
>
>The HR Probe is working on beside the engine. A panel is off and in one
>of the probe's manipulators the other out welding and moving tubes and
>wires inthe equipment under the panel.
MIKE: Looks like those goofy Russians screwed up Mir again..
> Suddenly there is a deep, quiet rumble in the
>water. The probe pus down the
TOM: Probe pus.. Ewwie..
> panel and floats up above the Alpha to see
>what is happening. When the probe floats above the Alpha, it sees 5 Tigers
>leaving their bays one by one.
CROW: Then the tigers relize they can't swim and drown..
>
>CUT TO HR PROBE ROOM
>
>Wallace is in the probe suit and is moving around. He disconnects for
>the moment and uses vidset to make a call.
MIKE: (Wallace) How does that go? 1-800-COLLEEN.. No.. That's not right...
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
TOM: Hey look! There's Jesse Jackson!
>
>The captain is sitting in his chair when Wallace's voice comes out of the
>vidset.
>
>WALLACE
>(V.O.)
>Captain, what's happening?
CROW: I picture a deer in the headlights right about now..
>
>TAYLOR
>Wallace I forgot you were working outside. While you were working we
>detected about twenty NightVipers coming this way.
TOM: NightViper, when two crappy car shows collide.
> Our weapons are out so
>I we sent out all our Tiger subs. I thinks you've already seen that these
>probes have more abilities than the ones you had at the Academy.
MIKE: (Taylor) I think, I was usually loaded at the time so I don't remember...
>Listen carefully, there are lasers and 3 missiles on your probe, I want
>you to help the Tigers deal with the attack. Understand?
CROW: That would be like a country like Iraq thinking they could beat America...
MIKE: In other words.. Impossible..
CROW: Bingo.
>
>WALLACE
>Aye, sir. Understood. Wallace out.
TOM: Braveheart 2: It gets silly.
>
>Wallace puts on the HR gear and...
MIKE: It fries his brains thus ending this story...
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE SHIP
MIKE: Darn..
>
>... the Probe comes back to life, it starts moving toward the Tigers
>subs.
CROW: Hey, wouldn't it be more prudent to wait in ambush on the other side of the ridge
than to meet the enemy head on?
>
>CUT TO INSIDE OF PORTER'S TIGER
>
>Over the communications system Wallace's voice comes.
TOM: (Wallace) Right now I would like to tell you about the new cable network "Eye on America"
>
>WALLACE
>(V.O.)
>This is Wallace, the captain ordered me to help you deal with the Vipers.
MIKE: The Viper is coming!
TOM: (German) I am the viper, I have come to vipe your vindows..
>
>PORTER
>This is Porter. Wallace glad to have you on the team.
CROW: Huh. This is the most throughly mediocer thing I have ever read.
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE
>
>Right after the exchange the first of the NightVipers arrive over the
>ridge.
TOM: Isn't this the scene were Mathew Brodrick and Denzel Washington die?
> They are caught completely by surprise as the Tigers and the probe
>launch their missiles at the NightVipers.
CROW: You think they wouldn't be surprised after already trading shots with them...
> The first six Vipers are destroyed
>immediately by the missiles while the otherfive from the first squadron
>survive a firefight ensues during which the exchange of firepower continues.
MIKE: Ai-yi-yi.. What the heck?
>The first to go is a NightViper shot down by a missile. Then the HR Probe
>manages to attach itself to a NightViper and cutsthe hull of it open.
TOM: That probe must've of been programmed by Jean Claude Van Damme!
> Then
>a Tiger is shot down but it safely manages to driftback to the Alpha,
>protected by the probe.
CROW: I thought it was shot down..
> Another Viper is shot down in the process but when
>they are down to two NightVipers the second Squadron arrives.
MIKE: Wow, more crappy reinforcements..
> Outnumbered
>Tigers begin to suffer damage. During the battle the HR Probe
>drifts away from the battle
TOM: He's using the run and gun tactics..
>
>CUT TO INSIDE ANDERSON'S TIGER
>
>While controlling her sub Anderson turns on Communications.
CROW: Why would you bother to turn it off?
>
>ANDERSON
>(worried)
>Wallace, where are you going, did anything go wrong.
MIKE: (Anderson) I don't require question marks at all.
>
>WALLACE
>(V.O.)
>No, I just got and idea.
TOM: (Wallace) I'm going to run away and live to fight another day..
>
>CUT TO HR PROBE
>
>With the sound of battle at a distance the probe drifts toward the spot
>it was working on.
CROW: Wow, the sound really caries at the bottom of the ocean..
> It removes the panel it was working on and lets it go.
>Quickly working on the wires. Unconnecting, connecting and reconnecting them.
>After half a minute the probe stops.
MIKE: (Wallace) Dang solor batteries..
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
TOM: Splice with cooking joke..
>
>Taylor is sitting in his seat watching the battle go on. Suddenly his
>vidset calls.
CROW: (Vidset) This is AT&T, please switch to MCI or we'll kill this dog.
>
>TAYLOR
>Taylor here.
MIKE: (Taylor) Arr arr arr over.
>
>WALLACE
>(V.O. rapidly)
>I jury rigged the weapons, I don't know how long they'll hold out so use
>them
>fast.
TOM: He fixed massive internal injuries from the outside of the ship in three minutes?
MIKE: This show is about as realistic as the A-Team..
>
>TAYLOR
>(springs up, to weapons console)
>Ensign, quick, a volley of Torpedos at the Vipers, fire everything we have.
CROW: (Wallace) Wow! There goes the kitchen sink!
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE SHIP
>
>As the battle goes on only 3 Tigers are left and there are 9 NightVipers.
MIKE: The three tigers piloted by people with speaking parts..
>Suddenly 10 Torpedos launch out of the Alpha instantly destroying 5
>NightVipers and hitting 3 others. As we turn to the back of the Alpha the
>HR Probe springs up and launches its 3 missiles destroying 2 more Nightvipers.
TOM: And in typical fasion, the pilots of the NightVipers jump out before the missiles hit.
>The Tigers easily finish the other 2 NightVipers.
>
>FADE OUT
>
>FADE IN ON ALPHA COMING TO PORT
ALL: (People) Hey! Were's Roy Schider?
>
>As the Alpha comes to port it is followed by two smaller subs.
MIKE: Those wacky German U-Boats don't give up do they?
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>TAYLOR
>(talking to woman in uniform on screen)
>... and everything turned out fine...
TOM: (Taylor) Here's my card.. Now have you met Harvey? Well he's right here..
>(pause)
>... except that now we have a known saboteur on board, Admiral.
CROW: They figured it out already?
>
>WOMAN GENERAL
>I see, well for now you should stay in port for repairs and I'll make
>sure to take care of everything.
TOM: (General) Hehehehe.. I'll take care of everything.... Yes..
>
>TAYLOR
>Thank you.
>(sits in chair)
>Well I'm glad that that's finished.
MIKE: So are we, so are we..
>
>FADE OUT
>
TOM: Glad that's over.. (They get up to leave)
>FADE IN TO ENTRANCE TO ALPHA
MIKE: No! (They sit back down)
>
>CAPTION ON SCREEN:
>April 11, 2193
>Two Days Later
>
>Taylor, Porter and Wallace are waiting to greet someone.
CROW: (Porter) We are here to meet the dark angel of death..
>
>TAYLOR
>General Libovitz said that she'd send someone to take care of the
>sabotage problem today. He's supposed to arrive soon.
TOM: Huh. You'd think that they would of figured it out by now...
>
>As Captain Taylor finishes speaking the docking door opens. A man in
>Coa Whites steps through.
MIKE: Coa Whites? What the-?
>
>MAN
>Hello, you may call me Mr. Messenger and I'm the sabotage and
>infiltration specialist of the COA. I'm sorry to announce that as of now,
>everyone's a suspect.
CROW: Mr Messenger meet Mr Sparkla! (Japanese) I mista Sparkla! I disrispect dirt!
>
>FADE OUT
>
>
>(story line is continued in Crash dive comming soon)
MIKE: Let's hope that Dr F hasn't found _that_ one.
CROW: Don't give him any ideas.. Let's get out of here..
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *...
(SOL)
CROW: Hey, Mike. We're going to head off and have more strange and whimsical adventures.
MIKE: Alright, sounds good to me. They're running an all day Pop Up Video Marathon..
TOM: Your pathetic..
MIKE: Yeah, but i enjoy it.
(A black hole appears Tom and Crow go into, Mike takes the TV out from under the desk)
(SOL)
(The SOL is normal, and Mike's sitting there watching TV, but Mike isn't normal)
TOM: Hey Mike, how's the pop up video thing working?
MIKE: Arr! I hate pop up video! Arr! (has a patch on his eye)
CROW: Mike, you feeling alright?
MIKE: Of course I am, now start shoveling that chum!
TOM: AH! We've popped into the pirate world!
CROW: Aye, ye did, now start scoopin' that chum, the big white one is out there..
TOM: No way, we're out of here! (the make anohter black hole and go into it)
(SOL)
(Mike is no where to be seen. The SOL looks different, but not too different, like it did
before Mike came)
CROW: Looks normal.. But we're not at home are we?
TOM: Apparantly not.. Hmm...
CROW: Mike? Mike? Hello?
VOICE: (Not magic voice) Mike? Who's Mike?
CROW: Well, who are you? (Joel walks on screen)
JOEL: Hey guys, how was that black hole thing that you guys were doing?
TOM: Umm... Okay...
JOEL: What is it little buddy?
CROW: Well, um... In our universe, you're not here.
JOEL: If I'm not here, then where am I?
TOM: Earth, some guy named Mike took your place during that Joe Don Baker movie we did awhile
back.
JOEL: Oh, you mean that temp worker? I don't know what happened to him..
TOM: Huh.. Well, we better be go- (movie sign)
JOEL: No can do! Movie sign!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
>
>
TOM: Now unto the really bad seaQuest fan fic..
>
>WIN VALUABLE PRIZES
JOEL: (Does an Ed McMahon laugh) Yes, you are correct!
>
>ACT THREE:16
CROW: You'll never see a sign like that at a basketball game..
>
>OPEN ON ENGINE ROOM
>
>Burke has finally made it and appears slightly winded. The phenomenon is
ALL: Phenomenon! Doo doo doo d doo...
>still present. Occasional flickers of light occur to
>suggest random disruptions of main power.
TOM: Are you suggesting something?
CROW: No.. Does it seem like I am suggesting something?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>What do you make of it, Doctor?
JOEL: (Burke) It's a big goiter, plain and simple.
>
>BURKE
>That's quite a black cloud there.
TOM: He's soooo observant..
>(beat, then to Callan)
>If you really need help with the mice down here, you are just going
>to have to clean that catbox in between ports.
CROW: AHH!!!
JOEL: And now more bad jokes, one after the other. Again, and again, and again..
>
>CALLAN
>(completely lost)
JOEL: Oh boy do we sympithise with you..
>Huh?
>
>BURKE
>(looking at his console)
>Oh, that's very different...
TOM: (Whispering) Call the police... And be quiet about it..
>(beat, to Callan again, sweetly)
>Never mind.
>
>Wolenczak heads for a console.
JOEL: And misses it completely.. See Wolenczak his half blind but keeps it hidden..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(in the manner of a college professor)
CROW: Down, down, and down..
>I think you'll find there's a constant stream of negatively charged
>ions creating a dimensional displacement effect using residual
>energy from the ship engines to pull and redshift any matter that
>comes in contact with it....
JOEL: That was a possitively Star Trekian sentence..
>
>BURKE
>(sarcastically)
>That's pretty good, Jean Luc-as.
TOM: One more s would of made allot more sence there..
> Got any holes in your uniform you
>want to make me sew?
CROW: (Wolenczak) Well in fact I- Huh?!
>
>Wolenczak starts entering commands on console.
TOM: He's typing an angry letter to his agent for getting him in this thing.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Burke somewhat off-handedly)
JOEL: (Wolenczak) Help me, I don't know anything about computers..
>We had a phenomenon like this on the second _seaQuest_, and if I can
>just get to...
BOTS: Phenomeon, do do dodo do, Phenomenon, do do dodo do..
>(beat)
>Damn!
CROW: Launguage!
> Now the main data banks seem to be overloading from something.
>What the hell does "404-not found" mean?
TOM: It means that this fan fic is getting worse and worse.
>
>CALLAN
>(helpfully)
>Four-oh-four? Wasn't that some old style form of cleaning solvent?
JOEL: I can't take it! I can't take it!
CROW: Calm down Joel.. I think that this thing only has about fifty more pages left.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(giving him a dirty look)
>You shut up.
CROW: Yo mama!
>
>CALLAN
>(enthusiastically)
>I've got it, Sir!
TOM: (British) Now you stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave.
>(beat)
>If this phenomenon is feeding off the ship's power, can't we
>just...turn it off?
JOEL: The Banana Junior 6000! It sorts! Prints! Doodles! Slices! Dices! Whistles! Dances! And
most important of all.. It turns off.
>(beat, to noncom at console)
>Do it.
CROW: No, that's "Just Do It"
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(shock, anger, concern)
>Belay that order!
TOM: Boy, after Ladybugs bombed he's just gone off the deepend.
>
>CALLAN
>(gratefully)
>Thank you, Sir! I always wanted to get "belayed" on national
>television.
JOEL: Don't you mean "belayed on a nationally available bad fan fiction?"
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(wisely ignoring _that_ remark)
>We can't just "turn it off," Callan.
CROW: That would be doing things the easy way, and we can't have that!
>(beat, explaining)
>If she's in there, her matter has become completely commingled with
>the energy stream. Premature termination could kill her or strand
>her someplace or sometime and we'd never find her.
TOM: (Wolenczak) Well, we do need to thin out the cast a little...
>(beat, trying to puzzle it out)
>Now she _must_ have some sort of safety to bring her back out of
>this somehow.
JOEL: (Wolenczak) If we don't dad will get mad Beaver..
>(to Callan)
>I wonder if she had some help...who on board would have the
>background to pull something like this off?
CROW: (Callan) Do you wan't a matte painting or a green screen?
>
>CALLAN
>(mulling it as he goes)
>Well you seem to know all about this...me, the doctor here,
>...Matthews, ummmmm, _maybe_ Riller, Sharkey, McHale, Percell,
>Barbour, Willard...that's about it.
TOM: What about Auntie Em and Uncle Henry?
JOEL: Or Grandpa and John Boy?
>(beat)
>Oh, and Morgan, maybe. I really don't know enough about her
>abilities.
CROW: (Wolenczak) Oh, I do.. Boy do I- (Joel clamps beak shut)
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Right. Let's start rounding them up....I doubt if any of them is
>involved in this madness, but maybe they can give us some ideas
>about what she might have done.
JOEL: Here's an idea, just ask her. She's only in the next sound stage..
>
>He returns to the console, punching keys.
TOM: Bite the keys ears!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>I have just _got_ to get into those old logs Trueman was looking at
>to see what she's...
CROW: (Wolenczak) ...been bathing in, she really smells...
>(beat--75 watt GE lightbulb appears above his head)
>...She _downloaded_ it! There's got to be a disk someplace.
JOEL: They still have disks in 2047? What about CD's?
>
>He straightens, tossing off orders.
TOM: (Announcer) Swing and a miss! That order was going well over 80 miles an hour, right Chet?
CROW: (Chet) Yup.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>Callan, get somebody up there to search Trueman's quarters.
CROW: You need a warrent, the grand jury won't like this...
JOEL: You've been watching too many lawyer shows..
>(lifts PAL)
>Riller...report to Engineering.
JOEL: Report to engineering, your mother is here to pick you up because of your accident.
>
>The PAL merely squeaks and squeals. Wolenczak slams at it, then
>turns to Callan, who shrugs and looks helpless.
CROW: Wolenczak then takes an ax and chops Callan in half because he's helpless.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>Get _Riller_ to search Trueman's quarters. Only one crewman to chase
>down that way.
TOM: Huh? Could you repeat that? I didn't quite get it.
>(beat)
>Plus, he'd probably know what he's looking for in there.
JOEL: I think Wolenczak knowns more than he is letting on..
>
>Callan exits; the door fails to close behind him.
CROW: They refused to take a second take..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>And I need two more things. Find Ensign Morgan--see what she _does_
>know about this business.
TOM: (Wolenczak) And if she doesn't confess, make her!
>(beat)
>And...close that door.
JOEL: This story is about as funny as a Pauly Shore movie..
TOM: In other words, not funny at all.
>
>CUT TO LIVING ROOM
>
>We see a small, overcrowded and overrun-with-toys middle-class
>living room somewhere in Indiana.
CROW: This is where people start to say "What?"
> Hooper is feverishly molding a
>large pile of green slime into a volcano-shaped object. Cans of
>Slime (reg. tm. of Mattel Corporation) are strewn about the floor.
>The '70s-era 19-inch tv screen is running stream-of-consciousness
>segments of various cartoons and commercials from the era.
TOM: I think the writers are having a Vietnam-Era flashback.
> Hooper's
>wife, Ronnie, enters the room, trailed by one of her typically
>obnoxious kids.
JOEL: It might be nice to.. You know.. Let in the audience? Just a thought.
>
>HOOPER
>(thoughtfully)
>I _know_ what this is. I just can't put my finger on it.
TOM: That's because it's a being made of thought, not matter.
>
>RONNIE
>(nagging)
>It looks like you've put your fingers _all_ over it. I don't get
>it--it just looks like an overgrown Jabba the Hut.
CROW: Return of the Jedi came out in 83! I thought this was the 70's.
>
>TYPICALLY OBNOXIOUS KID
>Just add some pepperoni and it'll look like _Pizza_ the Hut, if you
>ask me.
CROW: Spaceballs came out in 87!
JOEL: Calm down, just keep in mind that the writers have no sence of time and space.
>
>RONNIE
>(sharply)
>Stop that. That's from _Spaceballs_, which won't be along for
>_another_ ten years. We're having enough trouble keeping time
>straight in this episode as it is.
TOM: Acceptence is the first stage. Now we move to change..
>
>HOOPER
>(mysteriously)
>And I keep getting these images of, of...
>(beat, trying to "reel it in")
JOEL: All he got was another bad pun..
>...A spaceship. Yeah! Big mother, too. Huge spheroid shape on the
>top and then a smaller--but _still_ real, real big--lit-up section
>on the bottom.
CROW: (Hooper) Then it flips over, stranding Gene Hackman and a bunch of character actors
on the bottom, what do you think?
>(beat, thinking some more)
>Yeah--with these flashing light thingerbobbers all around the
>bottom!
TOM: The Young George Lucas Adventures.
>
>Hooper wipes the Slime off his hands with an anachronistically
CROW: What does that word mean? I don't know..
JOEL: I think the writers don't either...
>placed child's E.T. t-shirt, runs to the table and feverishly starts
>to draw.
TOM: (Hooper) I call it Beavis and Butthead.. Like it?
>
>HOOPER
>(continuing up the wall he's gone off)
JOEL: He was on a wall? He must be Spider Man!
>It's awesome! It'll come to earth to seek out visitors. And then
>another one--looking just like it, welllll, sorta--will come and
>pluck a real souped-up submarine out from the middle of the ocean.
CROW: (Heston) The sub will be Twenty thousand _Leages_ Under the Sea.
>
>RONNIE
>(rolling with the punches)
>And take it into outer space and dump it in the middle of _another_
>ocean!
TOM: Then stir in the cheese mix and add seasoning to preference.
>
>HOOPER
>(by George, I think they've _got_ it)
>And then they'll have this big fight scene with some real nasty
>looking aliens, and then,...come on, Ronnie, help me out here!
CROW: Then Bill Pullman makes a long stupid speach and..
>
>RONNIE
>(trying, mulling, straining,...ba-BING!)
>I know! We'll just end it with a cliffhanger and bring most of them
>back the next season and pretend none of it really happened.
JOEL: If only we could do the same about this fan fiction..
>
>HOOPER
>(icing on the cake time)
>Right! We'll have the aliens dump the crew all over the globe, and,
>and....
TOM: (Hooper) ...and have them not ever meet each other again, ending the whole painful ordeal.
>(beat, blurting this next one out just to get the idea over with)
>_Drop_ the submarine in the middle of a, a...a CORNFIELD!!
CROW: (Whispering) If you do it, no one will watch..
>
>RONNIE and HOOPER
>(adding it up in their heads, exchanging puzzled glances, then in
>unison)
>Na-a-a-a-ah...
JOEL: They hampered in Dog's lo-main.
>
>Pan to shot of sofa, where heads of first Percell and then Trueman pop
>up, then back down again in unison.
TOM: Hey! It's the Talking Heads! Remember them?
> They speak in stage
>whispers.
>
>PERCELL
>_Now_ what have you gotten us into?
CROW: I have a feeling that they've landed in Pee-Wee's play house!
>
>TRUEMAN
>I don't know, Toto, but I don't think we're off the coast of Amity
>anymore.
BOTS: TWO! TWO! TWO BAD JOKES IN ONE!!!
>
>PERCELL
>Well, _duh_, but...
>(finally noticing Hooper and his obsession)
TOM: His obsession? Say again?
>What's _he_ doing here?...
>(beat)
JOEL: This story is beating me up!
>Wait a minute! This is from one of his other films! That's the
>connection, Rebecca! Whatever is controlling these shifts of ours
>_must_ have something to do with my VR program.
CROW: No, you think?
>
>TRUEMAN
>But if that's the case, can't somebody just...
JOEL: ..end this? No, we've tried and tried but it just doesn't work!
>
>PERCELL
>(cutting her off)
>Turn it off? No, somebody thought of that in the last scene, so
>let's not hash it out again for everybody.
TOM: Thank god for small favors..
>(beat, thoughtfully)
>If we're going to be faithful to late twentieth century science
>fiction, we just have to play out our roles here until either the
>program terminates or...
CROW: (Percell) ..the ratings slide.
>(beat)
>The recall program! What time is it?
JOEL: It's Miller time..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(glancing at wrist)
>Time to have remembered to put the thing on. Callan's been working
>with all the electronics, remember?
TOM: No. I.. What? What the #$@&*^% is going on in this story?!?!?!?
>
>PERCELL
>Well, it's too late to do anything about it now--it seems like we've
>been in this hole a long time.
CROW: Waaay to long..
>
>TRUEMAN
>The audience is going to think so, too, if we don't get this scene
>over with and back to the _Close Encounters_ jokes.
JOEL: If given a choice, I'd rather not have the Close Encounters jokes..
>
>They are startled by sounds from a toy phaser circa _Classic Trek_.
TOM: (Shatner) Set phasers to shake and bake!
CROW: You stole that from Animaniacs..
TOM: People wouldn't of known that if you didn't tell them..
>
>TYPICALLY OBNOXIOUS KID
>(hollering excitedly)
>Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Security to behind the sofa!
CROW: The Young Will Riker Adventures.
>
>At this moment, every mechanical toy in the room snaps to attention,
>begins to move toward the sofa with a suitable din of whirs, beeps,
>whines and squeaks.
JOEL: (3PO) Come on R2, we're going.
>
>T.O.K.
>Wow! Cool!
TOM: No, not really.
>
>RONNIE
>(thoroughly spooked)
>Roy, if you pull one more of these practical jokes of yours, I'm
>outta here and I'm taking the kids with me.
CROW: Domestic problems are funny!
>
>HOOPER
>(not bothering to hide his disgust)
>You mean the kids who whacked me in the ass with a ping pong paddle
>while I was shaving? Don't tempt me, Ronnie.
JOEL: I don't think toilet paper could solve that problem..
>(beat)
>And besides, I'm busy making the world's largest ...largest...
TOM: Ball of twine!
>(beat, 75-watt bulb from previous scene goes off over his head)
>Volcano! Devil's Tower! Area 51!
CROW: (Hooper) Remember that Maine!
>
>RONNIE
>No, NO, NO!!! That's from _ID4_, you idiot! This one's just
>_another_ supersecret government installation in the middle of
>nowhere.
JOEL: A Pop Secret installation..
>
>HOOPER
>(disappointed)
>Aw, bummer. I was looking forward to seeing Data doing his
>wigged-out mad scientist routine.
TOM: When in doubt, hire a character actor.
>
>RONNIE
>(patting his shoulder)
>Don't worry, hon. There'll be plenty of _Star Trek_ jokes before the
>end of the next act.
CROW: Just what we wanted.. Not.
>
>CUT TO SEAQUEST ENGINE ROOM
>
>Throughout the scene, lights flicker as before, only more
>frequently.
JOEL: They're saying in morse code "End this story now."
> At random intervals, five-note motif from _Close
>Encounters_ is heard through the din of background noise. Morgan
>and Riller have joined the party inspecting and monitoring the
>phenomenon.
ALL: (Monotone) It is a party. We are having fun. Yay. We are having tons of fun.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Riller)
>And?
TOM: (Wolenczak) What? You want a point?
>
>RILLER
>(shrugging)
>Nothing, sir. I even looked under the bed.
CROW: (Riller) And just like Star Trek, it's lighted with flouresents down there..
>(beat, sneezing violently)
>I _hate_ dust bunnies.
JOEL: (Monotone) Ha ha ha ha. Ha.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(frustrated)
>People, there has _got_ to be a disk someplace.
TOM: Just erase a AOL disk..
> I locked her out of
>that log file myself half an hour before there was any anomaly, so
>she must have retrieved the data before she came to me. Now there's
>nothing at her station and nothing in her quarters, so...Think!
CROW: We can't sir! We all went to public school, we can't think for our selves!
>
>RILLER
>(coming up with something)
>Wait a second, Sir! She was down in the rec room after her shift. I
>was looking for her earlier, and, well, _she_ wasn't there, but she
>left one of the terminals running.
JOEL: (Wolenzak) So in other words, we missed the most obvious place..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(decisively)
>Let's go.
>
>They exit.
TOM: And so do we.
MIKE: Nice segway..
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *...
(SOL)
CROW: Well Joel, it's been fun.
TOM: Yeah, and if some communist us's ever show up, don't convert..
JOEL: Communist what? Never mind.. Bye guys. (black hole, Crow, Tom, gone)
(SOL)
(The SOL is now a nice little Taco Bell, Joel is sitting down eating a burrito)
JOEL: Hey guys, you aren't commies are you?
TOM: Umm.. No... Why is this a Taco Bell?
JOEL: Oh, that, Dr Forrester got a corperate sponsor. Just check out Deep 13, or should I
say Deep Pepsi?
CROW: Deep what?
(Deep Pepsi)
(Racks and racks of Doritos, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Ruffles are all over the place. All the
furniture now has bright Pepsi logos on it. Dr F is not around.)
(SOL)
(Crow and Tom are dumbfounded)
CROW: How did he get sponsor ship?
JOEL: I don't know.. I guess Pepsi is just desperate..
TOM: Must be.. And I thought the communist Dr Forrester was strange..
JOEL: What was with those communist you's anyway?
CROW: Long, long, horrible story... (movie sign) Ah! We've got movie sign!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
CROW: Back to the salt mines..
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>Wilson is humming the "motif" as Wolenczak, Riller, Morgan, et. al.,
>arrive. This time he removes the helmet, but remains fixed on the
>screen details, occasionally pointing and clicking.
TOM: A born Macintosh user.
> Riller scans the
>adjacent terminal previously used by Trueman.
JOEL: So, in retrospect, Manos, the Hands of Fate.
>
>RILLER
>(frustrated)
>Damn! There was something on here before that looked like a link to
>the old ship's logs. But this...I've never seen anything like this
>before on our computers, Sir.
CROW: Maybe because it's new? Just a thought..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(puzzled)
>Same here. If I didn't know better, I'd say those looked like...
TOM: Hey, look, Mark Hamill is trying to revive his career..
>(beat)
>flying toasters?
JOEL: That's the kindof joke that just kicks you in the face.. Then throws you off a bridge.
>
>RILLER
>(checking machine for disks)
>Nothing here.
CROW: Nothing there, there is nothing everywhere, on the ground and in the air.
JOEL: Thank you Dr Seuess.
>
>CALLAN
>(rushing in)
>Sir, you had better get back to engineering. The size of the
>phenomenon has just shrunk.
TOM: That sounds like something you should tell your doctor...
>
>WOLENCZAK
>By how much?
CROW: (Callan) That's between me and my doctor sir..
>
>CALLAN
>Well, by our best measurements it now fills the screen on a
>nineteen-inch diagonal monitor and sensors are detecting stereo
>sound coming from inside it.
JOEL: Bad joke incoming on run way five..
>(beat)
>Where available.
JOEL: The joke crashed and burned! Oh the humanity!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Morgan)
>Ensign, you stay here and see if you can make anything other than
>toast out of these things here. The rest of you are with me.
CROW: (Wolenczak) We're going to invade Poland!
>
>They exit.
TOM: And so do- No, we have to wait..
>
>MORGAN
>(to herself, inspecting the screen display)
>This looks familiar, but I can't quite....
JOEL: (Morgan) Hey.. This is just Pac-Man with Mike Tyson's head!
>
>WILSON
>Do you mind? We've already had one deja vu scene here already.
CROW: Do you ever get deja vu Joel?
JOEL: Oh, don't start that again..
>(beat, now stoically and more or less to self as Morgan begins pressing
>keys)
>Funny,
TOM: No, not really.
> though, how the black hole shrunk down once I shifted into
>the TV directory on this disk. Fas-cinating. In-teresting.
>Fas-cinating.
ALL: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
>(beat, now excited about making the connection)
>Right! _That's_ what she was in. Captain's Log--stardate...oh hell,
>it didn't have one...
ZACH: Hello. I'm the writer. Just thought you would like to know that I am embarrased to have
the same last name as this so-called character. We now return to our regularly scheduled
program.
JOEL: You do this a lot, don't you Zach?
ZACH: Yes, but people haven't complained yet...
>
>He clicks on "ASSIGNMENT: EARTH" under directory for "GARR, T.", puts
>the visor back on as we...
CROW: Fade to black? Please? Fade to black!!
>
>CUT TO APARTMENT
>
>This is a "mod" apartment in mid-'60s New York City.
TOM: It's Ned Flanders' parents apartment.
> Percell and
>Trueman are seated on a sofa in an outer office area; Ronnie, now
>morphed from '70s-frazzled to '60s-kooky, is in mid-sentence
>addressing them both.
JOEL: (Ronnie) Four score and seven years ago..
>
>RONNIE
>...Here to see the Big Cheese, huh?
CROW: I hope that this Big Cheese can sing well... What? Where did that come from? ZACH?!
ZACH: I was in this play in 3rd grade.. The Cheese couldn't sing well...
CROW: Ah. This is just a shameless exuse to get your self more screen time.
ZACH: Bingo.
>
>She picks up old-fashioned PBX switchboard handset and presses
>intercom button that can be heard from behind door.
CROW: (Ronnie) No, I will not switch my long distance provider.. Hey, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!
>
>RONNIE
>(into handset)
>More company, Sir. Just like last time, only...these two aren't even
>trying to conceal who they are.
JOEL: (Homer) Hello. My name is Mr Burns..
>(beat, then handing Trueman a pad on a clipboard and a very futuristic
>looking pen)
>He'll be right with you. Would you mind signing in, please?
TOM: (Ronnie) John Doe huh?
>
>Trueman fumbles with the "pen" trying to get it to write. Door
>opens to right of reception desk.
ALL: Norm!
> Bridger walks out, also morphed
>into turtleneck-Nehru jacket ensemble.
CROW: The Young Al Gore Adventures.
> He looks over the sign-in sheet,
>then sees Percell and Trueman and does a double take.
JOEL: Then a spit take, then he gets hit with a pie! Oh the hilarity!
>
>BRIDGER
>(firmly)
>Miss Lincoln, I told you not to...
TOM: (Bridger) Take Abe to Ford's theater!
>(beat)
>You're from the future. Just like those other ones.
CROW: (Bridger) Now out you pixies go! Through the door or out the window!
>
>He suddenly lunges for the pen in Trueman's hand.
>
>BRIDGER
>(continues)
>And put that thing down!
JOEL: She's naked?
TOM: I'm starting to think that this should get made into a TV show..
>
>Trueman instinctively decks Bridger as he reaches for her "weapon."
TOM: Include bad sexual over tone joke.
>He affects his best "oh no, not again" look and hits the floor as
>we...
CROW: ...Rip out the writers' pancreas...
TOM: Sorry for that Ray and Vicky, but...
>
>FADE TO COMMERCIAL
>
>END ACT THREE
>
>PAWN TO KING FOUR
JOEL: Big Blue is taking over the internet! It's all over!
>
>ACT FOUR ALL
>
>And all disclaimers for one apply
TOM: AHHHH!!!!!
>
>OPEN ON INNER OFFICE
CROW: And the inner bladder..
>
>All looks conventional late-20th century Businessman's Special, with
>the exception of the superfuturisticexpialadocious
JOEL: The word that causes all that hear it to want to kill Julie Andrews. (Bots look) What?
I can't be dark?
> Beta 5 computer on
>the credenza behind him. The round screen with the abstract colors is
>the highlight of this device, but surprisingly, connected to it is a
>Macintosh Quadra 605 monitor with wires running both to the Beta 5 and
>below the credenza.
TOM: It's the year 2047, and Steve Jobs is still trying to make the Mac work.. Sad really..
> Bridger looks a bit dazed and occasionally
>rubs his chin. Trueman looks as remorseful as she can pull off.
JOEL: She went to the Steven Segal school of acting.
>
>TRUEMAN
>I'm very sorry, Sir. Self-defense training. You came at me without
>warning.
CROW: Without Warning! The Bad TV Movie Story!
>
>BRIDGER
>(ironically, perhaps ruefully)
>Don't worry about it,...
TOM: That's ironic?
>(beat, best guess at her rank)
>...Lieutenant? It isn't every day I beam around this planet and get
>slugged...
JOEL: (Bridger) Well.. I suppose it is.
>(beat, one of those chin-rubbing moments)
CROW: Did they have to use the words 'rubbing' in context with Bridger?
>...several times.
TOM: This has all the comedic timing of Sixty Minutes.
>
>PERCELL
>(jumping in helpfully)
>She's an ensign. I'm a petty officer.
JOEL: (Percell) I'm also a Tom Petty wannabe.
>
>BRIDGER
>Oh, I wouldn't say that. I bet most of your complaints are justified.
CROW: No! You were supposed to center the complaints! You'll have to type it over again!
>
>PERCELL
>(shaking her head)
TOM: She's wondering how the heck she got involved in this.
>Like the one I'm going to lodge about that last joke?
JOEL: Nathan Bridger was charged in 18th Supirior Joke Court. He was sentenced to death by
seltzer. His execution is on hold because of appeal.
>(beat, inspecting the Beta 5)
>Hey, quite a combination you've got here. This thing looks like one
>of those original Pong machines.
CROW: (Bridger) It's not Pong! It's Astroids!
>
>BRIDGER
>(a bit annoyed)
>That, Miss Trueman--
TOM: (Yelling) SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!! Miss Trueman vs Miss America this sunday at Cal Expo
arena! Be there!!!
>
>PERCELL
>(butting in)
>_She's_ Trueman, I'm Percell.
JOEL: (Percell) We're cops.
>
>BRIDGER
>(as if the interruption never took place)
>--Is a Beta 5.
CROW: (Bridger) No relation to the crappy robot on the Power Rangers.
> It has capabilities beyond anything in this century or
>yours. With your technology, you'd need memory storage twice the size
>of your boat to even begin to approximate its powers. And I'd be
>careful about letting it hear you compare it to anything short of a
>Beta 6.
TOM: So the thing is still in Beta testing?
>
>PERCELL
>(on closer inspection)
>So...if it's such great shakes, what's this thing you got attached to
>it?
TOM: You ever hear of cybersex?
>
>BRIDGER
>That, Miss Percell, is a Mac.
>(beat, clarifying)
>Better graphics.
JOEL: I have the strange suspicsion that at least one of the writers is a Mac user..
>
>COMPUTER VOICE
>(Majel Barrett with a clothespin on her nose)
CROW: (Barrett) I'm Majel Barrett for Contel.
>But we can still kick that Gates guy's butt. Would you like to play
>a game?
TOM: How about thermo nuclear global warfare?
>
>BRIDGER
>Stop that. You Beta 5s are well known for your ability to detour the
>exposition.
JOEL: And to confuse the audience even more..
>
>Bridger buzzes the intercom on his desk.
CROW: (Intercom) That tickles!
>
>BRIDGER
>(continues)
>Miss Lincoln, we need three lattes and some help advancing the scene,
>please.
TOM: Here's an idea. Finish the scene. End the whole bloody mess of a story! No, no chance of
that happening..
>(beat)
>You've been calling me Bridger in the script headings, but in this
>reality I'm known as Nathan Fourteen.
JOEL: You know, when characters become aware that they are in a story it's.. What is that Zach?
ZACH: I think it's ironic Joel.
> I've taken over the Earth
>office that Agents 201 and 347 used to work for with Gary--
JOEL: Heart?
CROW: (Bridger) Oh yeah, he was into some serious Monkey Business...
>
>PERCELL
>(jumping in again)
CROW: He is then eaten by pirahnas, the end.
>Indiana? Glitter?
>
>BRIDGER
>(puzzled)
>No, Seven.
TOM: Oh, so he worked with a Brad Pitt movie?
>
>TRUEMAN
>(looking around for a clock)
>Is it that late already? Hey--we have to be on the _air_ in an hour!
JOEL: You've been on the air for the last... What seems like two hours..
>
>BRIDGER
>No, no, no.
CROW: He's so negetive.
>(beat, explaining)
>Gary Seven was the original agent in charge of this office. He passed
>it on to Al Reddy-Eight, who got laid off in favor of Kay Nine,
>who then....
>
>The witty repartee is blissfully interrupted by Ronnie a/k/a Miss
>Lincoln,
TOM: I think that the writers are starting to get bored with this too... Not a good sign.
> who passes each a Starbucks cup, moves an obviously stuffed
>toy cat off her boss's guest sofa and begins assisting in the
>explanation.
JOEL: (Ronnie) See, when a man and a woman love each other very much...
>
>RONNIE
>I don't think Nathan here is that good at public relations. Much
>better designing ships and making last-second adjustments on
>shipboard bombs.
CROW: His job is too destroy dead planets while making music with glasses.
> Let me tell you girls what's going on.
TOM: It's gossip time!
>(beat)
>See, Gary and I set up this little business after we had these
>visitors from the future. Company's still called Lincoln-Seven, in
>fact.
JOEL: (Ronnie) Formally known as Lincoln-Towncar, until the law suit.
>
>BRIDGER
>(firmly)
>_Seven_-Lincoln.
CROW: Seven Lincolns sitting on a fence, one is really stupid, boy is he dense.
>
>RONNIE
>(exasperated)
>Let's _not_ start that again. Look, you want to beam down to Delaware
>and look it up?
TOM: (Wayne) And finally.. Delaware.
CROW: (Garth) Wow. We're in.. Delaware.
>
>PERCELL
>(mystified)
>Delaware?
JOEL: I think we've already covered this.
>
>BRIDGER
>Tax purposes.
CROW: Dang capital gains..
>
>RONNIE
>("...before I was so rudely interrupted...")
TOM: Who just said that?
>Anyway, our leaders back on the home world were so worried about
>interference from the future that they rededicated the station here
>to watching out for time travelers and making sure they didn't muck
>up the timeline.
JOEL: We might have Westly Crusher and Cheselea Clinton marrying or something..
>(beat, sternly)
CROW: Then he started saying things bowly.
>We've been waiting for you to get back here ever since the shark
>scene.
TOM: Oh, yeah, I remember that scene... The emotional scars are just beginning to heal..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(thoughtfully)
>I can see how that would make some sense. A little misdirection at
>just the wrong time could get somebody run over by a streetcar.
JOEL: (Sterling) Consiter if you will, a story with no purpose. A story which refuses to end
because it keeps slipping in and out of a "Twillight Zone"-ish plot hole..
>
>PERCELL
>(continuing the idea)
>Or _not_ run over by a streetcar. You never know which it's supposed
>to be.
CROW: Thank you Mr Exposition, for making us laugh at love again..
>
>RONNIE
>(nodding)
>Exactly.
>(beat)
>And we don't just have our own species to worry about. I mean, the
>Borg occasionally try to come back here and alter the timeline on
>purpose.
TOM: This has suddenly actually lived up to it's title!
>
>BRIDGER
>(shaking his head)
>Such a mess!
JOEL: (Felix) Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!
>
>RONNIE
>(showing no sign of stopping)
>Or some damn marooned ship captain with her hair in a bun may beam
>people down who start firing phasers in Los Angeles a hundred years
>too early.
CROW: (Ronnie) Then they started beating Rodney King..
>(beat)
>That's what we're here for--Beta 5 rewrites the newspaper articles,
TOM: Gorbechev slays Crabgrass! Turnip! Onion!
>Nathan changes all the vid records, and we patch the rest together
>with duct tape and a Swiss army knife.
JOEL: Not spit and bailing wire? What has this world come too?
>
>PERCELL
>All of this is fascinating, but does it explain what we're doing here
>or how we get home?
CROW: Nope. Because the writers were making it up as it goes along..
>
>COMPUTER VOICE
>Hits on Truemanrebecca--negative.
TOM: The computer has turned into Ro-Man the Ro-Man!
>(beat)
>Hits on Percellsara--negative.
JOEL: Shouldn't there be another pause or something?
>(beat)
>Hits on Wolenczaklucas--only by educated professional female fans who
>think he's cute.
CROW: Bud bump bum.
>
>RONNIE
>It looks like you've managed not to do any damage.
TOM: Except to our minds.
> So I think it's
>best we help you get out of here before you _do_.
JOEL: I wish we could..
>
>BRIDGER
>(thinking out loud)
>Well, look, if we have to we can program something. We're not beyond
>traveling in time ourselves when we have to, you know.
CROW: (Bridger) I appeared on the Thick of the Night Show.
>(beat, reminiscing)
>We had this one old security guard who got in trouble with the Soup
>Nazi for insisting he'd had an even better bowl of chicken soup on
>some fancy orbiting flying saucer.
TOM: Turns out that the flying sauser was just an old Saturday Night Live sketch..
> Plus the reports of a guy with
>huge ears speaking some unintelligible language and going on and on
>about economics...
JOEL: Ben Stein: Vulcan.
>
>TRUEMAN
>Oh, that's just Ross Perot. He had himself frozen in 2006 but we
>still get the infomercials.
CROW: (Perot) If you elect me as President, I will give each and every one of you fifty bucks.
Sound like a good deal?
>
>RONNIE
>(cutting in again)
>In fact, when Nathan asked me for the lattes, I beamed myself
>forward thirty years to get these for you. See, this is 1960s New York.
>No Starbucks on every corner.
TOM: Only a matter of time until Starbucks conquers that markett.
> No Ben and Jerrys.
>(beat)
>No Gaps.
JOEL: (Ronnie) Except those in the logic of this story.
>
>PERCELL
>(shocked)
>_No Gaps_?!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(equally shocked)
>This we gotta see!
CROW: If there were no gaps, then you couldn't see them...
>
>Together they bolt for the door. Bridger tries to block them but of
>course is upended butt-over-teakettle
TOM: Never, ever say that again..
> as Percell and Trueman tackle
>him and head out of the inner office door.
>
>BRIDGER
>(picking himself up gingerly)
JOEL: (Bridger) Can't catch me! As fast as I can! Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!
>At least they got it over with before end of the act this time...
CROW: And we're supposed to be impressed?
>
>RONNIE
>(sympathetically)
>Oh, why don't you come home for dinner with us, Nathan? You've had a
>long day.
TOM: (Ronnie) It was the longest day.. The British invaded and John Wayne just wouldn't leave
me alone!
>(beat, picks up phone on Bridger's desk and dials)
>Let me just call home and tell my son we're having company...Hello,
>Zefram? It's Mom!
CROW: And cut a hole in time and space so we can leave.
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *...
(SOL)
JOEL: So I suppose you guys will be leaving with that nify little black hole devise now..
CROW: That's the plan..
(Suddenly a black hole opens with Torgo and Ortega stepping out)
JOEL: Mind if I go with you?
TOM: Be my guest... AHHHH!!!
(Joel, Tom, and Crow jump into Torgo/Ortega's black hole)
(SOL)
(Mike is sitting quietly watching TV when the trio pops out of the black hole)
MIKE: Hey guys, welcome back... Oh hi Joel.
JOEL: Hello... Who are you?
MIKE: I replaced you.. Oh, by the way guys, I think that your back in the normal universe..
That is unless...
TOM: Unless what?
CROW: What?
MIKE: You aren't communist are you?
BOTS: No.. Of course not.. Your watching Pop Up Video right?
MIKE: No.
TOM: I don't think we're back then..
MIKE: That ended an hour ago.. But there's a "Soap" marathon on right now...
CROW: Whew.. Back to normal... Except for you Joel.. No offence.
JOEL: None taken. (looks at watch) So when should I go- (Movie sign)
TOM: It will have to wait, we've got movie sign!!!!!!!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
(Mike and the bots are in their normal place, and Joel is next to Servo)
TOM: This is going to be different..
JOEL: Your telling me..
>
>CUT TO 2047 BRIDGE
>
>All except Trueman, Percell and Morgan are at usual stations. Wolenczak
>looks besieged.
MIKE: Maybe it was the large mob of angry smurfs around him..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(thinking out loud)
>Right. We know there's a disk but there _is_ no disk. Our
>communications are fried, the power's cutting in and out and we have a
>black hole the size of a television set in our engine room.
CROW: (Wolenczak) All in all. A pretty good day.
>(beat, looking around)
>Anyone else got some bad news to report?
JOEL: (Riller) Yes, you've been fired.
>
>RILLER
>(right on cue)
>Sir, there's a Carolinan warship coming into range.
TOM: (Riller) He's asking us if we are 49rs fans.
>
>COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER
>(slightly panicked)
>They're hailing us, Sir; I can pick up the incoming signal.
MIKE: (3PO) I don't know what it is. It might be an imperial code.
>(beat)
>But we do not, repeat do _not_, have outside communications
>capability.
CROW: Did he really need to repeat that?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Put it up, Ensign.
TOM: Wolenczak vs Ensign! Live on Pay Per View!
>(beat--reaching below seat of the Big Chair)
>And try patching this in.
JOEL: (Wolenczak) And while your at it.. Patch my pants.
>
>He hits "on" button on cellular phone of the Mulder/Scully variety.
MIKE: (Wolenczak) What does 'roam' mean?
>
>COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER
>(totally mystified)
>What _is_ that, Sir?
CROW: They finally noticed the beach ball sized goiter on his neck..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>I believe it was called a "flip phone." Captain Bridger's grandkid
>used to play with it, and he gave it to me as something of a
>souvenir.
TOM: That's a worse souvenir than those stupid pennants they sell at games..
>(beat, presses a few keys on pad, then stops)
>Wait a second--we in our waters or theirs?
JOEL: By the sound of your sudden accent, theirs.
>
>RILLER
>We're in ours, they're in theirs. No hostile activity observed yet,
>Sir.
MIKE: Oh, great, a stand off.. Just what this story needs.. Another excuse to not end.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(nodding)
>Good.
CROW: In coming bad joke...
>(beat)
>I just hate having to pay those damn roaming rates.
CROW: We have bad joke ladies and gentlemen, right on schedule.
>
>Carolinan Captain appears on the main vidscreen.
TOM: (Captain) Hi, your disstress call is very important to us, but your calls will be responded
to in the order in which they were recieved.
>
>CAPTAIN
>(all business)
>Good afternoon, Captain Wolenczak. I'm Captain Polian of the _CSS
>Panther_.
MIKE: (Captain) Or the SS Football Joke, as we like to call it.
> Our sensors have been monitoring some anomalous energy
>readings on your side of the border, and they have been pinpointed as
>coming from within your boat.
JOEL: (Captain) Can we see? Come on, I'll tell mom on you!
> If you do not disengage this new weapon
>and leave this sector, we have orders to capture and remove you.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(poker faced)
CROW: (Wolenczak) Go fish mother ******r.
JOEL: That was very Bruce Willis-ish..
>Captain Polian, we _are_ experiencing some engine trouble--we
>suspect it's another of your Mister Hunter's little going-away
>presents for us. The trouble is under repair and we will be on our
>way as soon as our repairs are completed, in....
MIKE: ...A film edit..
>(beat, checks chrono)
>Well, we're about halfway through the fourth act, so it shouldn't be
>much longer.
TOM: Thank god.
>
>POLIAN
>Unacceptable, Captain. This energy source poses a potential threat to
>our ship and waters, and we have our orders.
JOEL: (Polian) So, you wanted two Jumbo Combos? Do you want crazy bread?
>(over his shoulder)
>Polians--engage!
CROW: Your cousins- NO!
>
>CUT TO EXTERIOR _SEAQUEST_--CGI
>
>Two small ships are seen approaching the center of seaQuest
MIKE: The mating habits of the submarine aren't pleasant, you might want to get your kids out
of the room folks..
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>All is as before.
TOM: So why bother telling us?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Fire intercepts! Fire torpedoes!
CROW: (Wolenczak) Fire the Air Traffic Controllers!
>
>RILLER
>(glumly)
>Guess what, Sir! Weapons systems are off-line.
JOEL: (Wolenczak) I say, this does put us in quite a pickle old bean.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(desperately)
>Then would somebody please get me a stiff drink?
MIKE: The Young Boris Yeltson Adventures.
>
>CUT TO EXTERIOR _SEAQUEST_--CGI
>
>The two ships join at the center, then separate in opposite
>directions and begin the crisscrossing pattern that, of course
>threatens to engulf the ship before the end of this episode.
TOM: Why don't they just open fire on the helpless target?
CROW: Because that would just end this thing, which wouldn't be a bad idea..
>
>CUT TO SCIENCE LAB
>
>Morgan is monitoring these developments from her console. Burke enters,
>having been watching the same phenomenon on hers.
JOEL: They just love that movie..
>
>BURKE
>(concerned)
>What do you make of that?
CROW: (Morgan) Oh, the Captains goiter?
>
>MORGAN
>It's nasty. Infinite energy and zero mass. Whatever the physics of it
>are, they'll have this boat entangled in no time. And the potential
>is limitless. Why, they could have all UEO and even the unaligned
>colonies entangled in a...
TOM: ...In joke?
>
>BURKE
>A...
CROW: ...In joke
>
>BOTH
>(in unison, wondering whether this line was worth all the setup)
>A WORLD WIDE POLIAN WEB?!
JOEL: We have in joke.
>
>Burke now reexamines the readings on Morgan's console and notices
>something she'd missed before.
MIKE: (Burke) Hey, there's a copy of the script here.. Why didn't we just read this?
>
>BURKE
>(curiously)
>Umm...Anne? That thing in the corner--the clock counting down 4:28,
>4:27, 4:26--you don't suppose that's another of Hunter's viruses
>getting ready to unleash itself, do you?
TOM: (Morgan) No, that's a prop from the Speed 2 set..
>
>MORGAN
>(shock and embarrassment about having forgotten all about the recall
>program)
>No--that's a...a timer I put up to remind me to do something.
CROW: (Morgan) I have to get those sodas out of the freezer before they explode!
>(beat)
>I gotta get back down to the rec room and...check something I saw on
>Trueman's terminal!
JOEL: (Morgan) It turns out that Trueman is termanil... Like.. Dead.
>
>Morgan hightails it out of there.
TOM: And she'll be to Scotland before 'ya.
>
>BURKE
>(to herself, suspicious)
>And I think you know something you don't want to tell me....
MIKE: (Burke) Your pregent, aren't you?
>(beat)
>Or the Captain.
>
>She hightails it out herself in the opposite direction.
CROW: She has completely ignored the point of a chase..
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>Callan walks on and approaches Wolenczak. Both are extremely
>concerned.
TOM: They just found out that Rosanne was getting her own talk show..
>
>CALLAN
>I've completed the analysis, Sir. We'll be completely engulfed and cut
>off from outside communications in about ten minutes.
JOEL: I thought they were already..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>That's assuming we don't do anything to stop it.
MIKE: (Callan) Your right! Maybe we should just... Try. Instead of just sitting here..
>
>CALLAN
>But Captain, what _can_ we do? _You've_ seen the Star Trek
>episode--only a time shift at the last minute saved the _Enterprise_
>from one, er, two of these things.
CROW: Actually, they were saved by a plot hole, but who's counting?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(buying his light bulbs by the six pack this week)
>Time shift? Greg, we've _got_ time shift!
TOM: (Wolenczak) We have wearhouses full of Time Shift! But that doesn't solve a thing..
> We just have to find a
>way to redirect that effect out of the engine room so we can bring
>the web within the shifting effect.
JOEL: That's a smart I idea, combine your problems to make things worse!
>
>Burke enters as Callan speaks.
MIKE: Delta Burke? Great, just what we need..
>
>CALLAN
>It just might work, Sir! The funny thing is, though, the smaller
>that thing gets, the more powerful the readings are.
CROW: That's not really all that funny.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>So if we can compress it down to the size of maybe....
TOM: So, how big is a 'maybe'?
>
>BURKE
>("getting it," speaking a la Roseanne Rosannadanna)
>A teeny tiny leetle television set?
JOEL: She wore and itsy bitsy teeny weenie TV set..
>
>CALLAN
>Exactly! I think I can modify the ionizing stream so it'll compress
>it and yet make it even more powerful.
MIKE: (Callan) Or we could just call Kevorkian and do it the easy way!
>
>BURKE
>Well, _I_ think you ought to ask Ensign Morgan to help you. She ran
>down to that Rec Room terminal in a big hurry and was expecting
>something to happen down there in about...
CROW: (Burke) ...Four pages..
>(beat, checks chrono)
>Two minutes.
TOM: Two minute warning!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>We don't have _your_ two minutes plus--
JOEL: Two minutes plus pi times eighteen equals.. Something.
>(indicates Callan)
>--_his_ ten. Doctor, head down there and see what you can find out.
>Greg, you're with me.
>(beat)
>Let's shrink that bad boy down to a Watchman.
MIKE: I bet the Sony Corperation will have something to say about that..
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>Wilson, hatless, appears agitated, and furiously attacks the mouse
>and keyboard as Morgan runs in.
CROW: I think Wilson has some serious anger control problems..
> Wilson hears her enter but, again,
>doesn't turn.
TOM: Again? I think they're leaving out scenes.. Not that I'm complaining.
>
>WILSON
>(frustrated)
>Blazes!
CROW: (Leyta) Don't swear in front of Ben, Luke!
> None of these are working now! I can't get a lock on anything
>on this disk except....
JOEL: (Wilson) ..That stupid master lock!
>
>MORGAN
>Excuse me, Sir, I hate to keep bothering you, but a friend of mine
>had a program running down here and I can't find any sign of it. It's
>really important.
MIKE: Co-insidence? I think not..
>
>WILSON
>(brushing her off, "troubles of my own")
TOM: Is that a song title or something?
>Well, gee, neighbor,
CROW: (Mr Rogers) Will you mine, could you be mine, wont you be, my neighbor?
> did you think of doing a search by your friend's
>_ID_ code on another terminal?
>(beat)
>Maybe of programs that were last launched like, today?
JOEL: (Wilson) Cause, like, y'know, like, ya..
>
>MORGAN
>(buying in to the lightbulb franchise)
MIKE: Don't forget the water works and B&O Railroad.
>You're right...thanks.
>
>She reboots the terminal Trueman had been using and hits keys when
>it has reset.
TOM: Just random keys.. Nothing in paticular...
>
>Wilson finally figures out his own troubles and replaces the visor.
CROW: The Young Geordi LaForge Adventures.
>
>WILSON
>(sotto voce)
>Well, it's Desilu, but it'll have to do....
JOEL: (Wayne) Exsqueeze me? Would you mind repeating that?
>
>CUT TO BLACK
>
>Then f/x of old vacuum-tube era television set powering up- lots of
>static and vertical hold jumps.
MIKE: Vertical hold jumps? Isn't that a sports term?
> When "picture" finally settles down,
>it is black and white and letterboxed within screen, reduced perhaps
>twenty-five percent.
CROW: (Writer) Or maybe thirty-five, we don't want to tell you...
> Only Percell appears in the scene, wearing a
>white baker's hat and an Italian-restaurant-tablecloth apron.
TOM: (Percell) It's a me! Mario!
> She
>stands before a conveyor belt;
JOEL: Uh oh. If they do what I think they're going to do...
> to her left and our right are the
>closest doubles of Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance that can be obtained
>from Central Casting.
ALL: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CROW: Game over man! Game over!
> A pedantic, singsong off screen male voice
>concludes the detailed instructions everybody knows by heart anyway:
MIKE: Not everybody.
>
>VOICE
>...And if at any time the conveyor moves too fast for you ladies,
>just pull down on the leeeeee-ver and the belt will stop
>auuuuuutomatically. Okay, Misssusss Ricardo?
ALL: SHUT UP!
>
>"LUCY"
>Yes, Mister Witherbottom.
TOM: Witherbottom? That sounds like something between him and his wife..
>
>VOICE
>Okay, Missus Mertz?
>
>"ETHEL"
>Yes, Mister Witherbottom.
JOEL: (Voice) Padding out the script?
MIKE: (Ethel) Yes, Mister Witherbottom.
>
>VOICE
>Okay, Missus.... Missus....
MIKE: (Percell) Missus Jackson if your nasty.
>
>PERCELL
>It's Miz.
CROW: Miz Lizz, who's Coke was all fizz, married Joe Gibs, and had lots of kids..
>
>"LUCY"
>(enthused)
>Les Miz?
TOM: Pick an accent and stick with it.
>(beat, realizing this ain't exactly Whitney Houston here)
>Don't tell me _you're_ going to try singing again.
JOEL: Please dont, for the sake of what remains of our sanity..
>
>Pies begin passing on the conveyor before "the girls". Lucy and Ethel
>each spray whipped cream on one of the first two.
MIKE: Haven't seen this before.. Nope.. Of course not..
> The pies pass
>Percell and crash to the ground during the next several lines.
CROW: No one will be seated during the heart pounding 'pie' scene.
>
>PERCELL
>(finally noticing she's here by herself)
>Trueman? What have you done with Trueman?
JOEL: (Ethel) Sorry, we were running low on food with all the cast members so...
>
>"ETHEL"
>What's our former president have to do with anything? He's probably
>back in Missouri failing as a haberdasher again.
TOM: Who has used the word "harberdasher" since the 1600's?
>
>A _seaQuest_ torpedo now passes along the belt.
CROW: And explodes, ending this horrible mess of a scene..
> Ethel sprays cream;
>Lucy adds cherries.
MIKE: Love that torpedo! Mmm mmm good.
>
>PERCELL
>(utter panic)
>What's that doing here?! Sheesh, it's armed!
JOEL: Pop quiz hot shot...
>
>Delicately, she catches it and places it on the floor. Several more
>torpedoes proceed past them in increasingly rapid succession.
TOM: I hope this scene ends like I hope it will..
>
>PERCELL
>(frantic)
>I want to stop this crazy thing and find my friend!
JOEL: Jane stop this crazy thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
>
>She runs to pull "off" lever. Guess what happens to it?
MIKE: Only in our deepest, darkest nightmares.
> Darwin now
>appears on conveyor belt.
CROW: (Darwin) Dolphin safe my ass!
> It miraculously slows down to enable us to
>finish this silly scene.
TOM: (Darwin) Hey, got any water? I'm kindof starting to suffacate...
> "Ethel" sprays cream, but "Lucy", to
>Percell's surprise, pulls a vocorder from under the belt.
JOEL: (Vocorder) Do you want fries with that?
>
>DARWIN
>Whipped cream! MMMMM! Kinky!
ALL: AHHH!
TOM: I think I just went sterile..
>
>"LUCY"
>And where were you, you slimy little fish?
MIKE: (Darwin) I was leading a Green Peace assault force.
>
>DARWIN
>Officer's Club.
CROW: Tailhook 2: The Dolphins vs the Rams
>
>"LUCY"
>(wailing)
>Awwww, Darwin, you never take me to the club with you!
ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>VOICE
>Girrrrrls, girrrrrrls, girrrrls, I'm afraid we're going to have to
>let you alllllll go if you can't maintain the slapstick comedy!
TOM: I'm choking on my own bile...
>
>PERCELL
>(pleading with the ceiling)
MIKE: (Ethel) She's talking to the ceiling... Call the nut house.. We've got a live one..
>Get me out of here!
ALL: Us too!
>
>ALL THREE
>(unison)
>WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: Baby, stop crying baby! You wan't your mommy baby?
>
>CUT TO HOTEL ROOM
>
>Back to full size and in living color,
CROW: Are you living? WHAT?! Are you living? WHAT?!
TOM: In Living Color.
> we see Trueman is waking up,
>dazed and confused, much like Henderson in "Brave New World."
JOEL: In joke on the left flank!!
> The
>sound of a running shower is heard from the next room. Her suspicion
>quickly rouses her from the effect and from the bed, and she begins
>inspecting her surroundings.
TOM: I think that Trueman went to bed with an unknown person..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(opening door to bathroom)
>Sara? Where are we? How did we get here?
MIKE: (Trueman) I don't think we're in Kansas any more..
>
>But the shadowy showery figure she is addressing turns out not to be
>Percell but a 19-year-old not-yet-Ensign Lucas Wolenczak (who
>hereafter will be referred to as "Lucas" to distinguish him from his
>older and more distinguished self),
CROW: So after "Sidekicks" he got more distinguished?
> who peeks out of the partially
>opened shower door and affects his best Bobby Ewing smile.
JOEL: Lucas has "parked" before then..
>
>LUCAS
>Hi there!
>
>CUT TO COMMERCIAL
TOM: Thank the gods.
>
>END ACT FOUR
>WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME!
>
>ACT FIVE
>
>ACT YOUR AGE
MIKE: Why don't you?
>
>OPEN ON REC ROOM
>
>At the computer stations, Wilson is repeatedly pointing a remote
>control device at his monitor.
MIKE: (Wilson) Five thousand channels and nothings on..
> Morgan rises from her terminal,
>forcefully removes the visor from his head, and swivels his chair
>toward her about a quarter-turn.
TOM: Thrilling chair-turning action.
>
>WILSON
>(affronted)
>Hey! What'd you do _that_ for? I was channel-surfing.
JOEL: (Wilson) I had just pulled a u-turn on the information super high way!
>
>MORGAN
>(borderline angry)
>I checked the main logs, all right, and Trueman's program got logged
>off, but Percell's is still running.
>(beat, tapping his screen)
>On _this_ terminal. Now what the heck is going on here?
CROW: (Wilson) You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
>
>WILSON
>(innocently)
>I don't know what you're talking about.
MIKE: (Wilson) I'm not listening! lalalalalala
>(beat, explaining)
>I've just been watching some of the programs on these virtual reality
>disks that got left down here. The memory core keeps shrinking down
>on me, but right now I've got two of them still going--one must be
>your friend's, the other must be your other friend's.
JOEL: (Wilson) Welst, you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick
your friends nose..
>
>MORGAN
>(testy)
>Have you been comatose or something?
TOM: (Wilson) Yes, I have! Have you humiliated me enough yet?
> My two friends have been
>_missing_ for almost an hour, and if I don't get into that program,
>they may be stuck in a time continuum forever!
CROW: (Morgan) They might get their own bad TV show!
>
>WILSON
>(contritely)
>I'm sorry, Ensign. I've been down here for that whole hour and a
>little...
>(beat, indicates visor)
MIKE: The Young Trekkie Adventures.
>...indisposed? Please. Take the station. Do what you have to do.
JOEL: He's the most apathetic man on the face of the earth.
>
>He exits mysteriously as we...
>
>CUT TO HOTEL ROOM.
BOTS: Whoa!
JOEL: Calm down guys... This does have a TV-G rating...
>
>Lucas has donned a towel and seats himself on one of the beds.
MIKE: Okay guys, now you have reason to 'whoo'
>Trueman is still maintaining a high-alert attitude but does not
>perceive Lucas as the threat.
TOM: That was her down fall, Lucas slit her throat in one quick movement...
>
>TRUEMAN
>(calling out)
>Sara? Where _are_ you?
CROW: (Muffled) Your sitting on me.
>
>She seats herself opposite Lucas on the other bed.
JOEL: She's ready for some muskrat 'lovin.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(continues)
>Have you seen anybody else in here since I came in? I've been
>traveling with...
CROW: (Trueman) I've been traveling with Harvey here, now don't sit on him now...
>(beat, she has to be careful about saying too much)
>...a friend.
MIKE: A 'special' friend.
>
>LUCAS
>I was alone before _you_ came in, and frankly, ma'am, I'm not sure
>about anything right now.
TOM: Oh, so they weren't doing the down and dirty as we were led to believe..
>(beat)
>I feel like I've been asleep for a _long_ time.
>(beat, slightly agitated)
JOEL: The name's Winkle, Rip Van.
>And these dreams! About being transported on some futuristic
>spaceship to an ocean in another solar system...
CROW: (Lucas) It sounds like a bad episode of the X-Files.. Or a fever dream.
> fighting with these
>real ugly stormtroopers...some worm named Ed....Neptune, Poseidon...
>Charlie the Tuna!
MIKE: You know, just when we didn't need another joke, blam! Here comes another.
>
>TRUEMAN
>I hate to tell you, but I think that last one was just one of the
>commercials.
JOEL: We're heading into the straitaway.
>
>LUCAS
>(with amazement)
TOM: (Lucas) Amazment? Like, Amazing Stories? Spielburg has done it again..
>I must've been here the whole time! Captain Bridger let me have a
>couple of beers, and next thing I know, I'm in a hotel room in...
>in...
CROW: (Lucas) Saigon, I can't belive I'm in Saigon.
>
>He walks over to window and looks out.
MIKE: Then falls out.
>
>LUCAS
>(continues)
>...not in. On. _On_ an island with a very nice zoo and Pat Buchanan
>_still_ wandering around trying to get into the convention.
JOEL: Ancient political jokes, can't miss!
>
>TRUEMAN
>(ruefully)
>Tell me about it.
CROW: NO DON'T!!!
>(beat)
>I've been having some pretty intense dreams myself for the past...
TOM: (Lucas) The past... How old am I again?
>(beat, realizing she's carrying on a conversation with one of them)
>Damn! It _must_ be over an hour!
MIKE: It's only been that long? Seemd like an eternity..
> _Why_ isn't that recall program kicking
>in?! What happened to Morgan?
JOEL: Shultz! No, wait.. That was out of place...
>(beat)
>Where the hell is Sara?
CROW: I think we've covered that already..
>(beat)
>Where's Bridger so I can beat him up again?
TOM: I think the writers are living out a fantasy.
>
>LUCAS
>(excited)
>The captain?! You've seen him?!
MIKE: (Trueman) Yes, he haunts me in my dreams. Make him go away.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(rubbing right fist into open left palm)
>We've...um...met.
JOEL: (Trueman) Oh, yes, his entrails tasted real good by the way.
>(beat)
>Look. You think I'm a dream. I think you're a dream. Why don't we
>each just do our own thing and see who's right, okay?
CROW: I thought they already did their thing...
>(beat, extending hand.)
>And I'm Rebecca. Rebecca Trueman.
ZACH: Shaken, not stirred.
CROW: You tried that before, in Jedi Lover. At http://sqx.simplenet.com
ZACH: Sorry folks, just wanted to plug my web site.
>
>LUCAS
>(meeting it with his own)
>Lucas Wolenczak.
MIKE: (Lucas) Attourny at law.
>
>TRUEMAN
>(nearly fainting)
>Oh, boy...
TOM: Like she didn't know...
>
>CUT TO REC ROOM
>
>Wolenczak, Callan, Burke and two burly "redshirts" approach Morgan at
>the terminal. She has the headset on and is furiously tapping keys.
JOEL: (Morgan) What the heck is a 404 error?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(sternly)
>Ensign, get away from that computer!
CROW: It's gonna blow!!!!!!!!!!
>
>"Reds" remove headset from her and her from swivel chair. Morgan
>looks shocked but also concerned.
MIKE: Basically the same emotion, just with different letters..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(explaining)
>Sorry to rough you up like that, Ensign, but we've got us some pretty
>weird stuff going on here.
TOM: (Wolenczak) Weird, weird, crazyness.
> The doctor thinks you know something
>you're not telling.
JOEL: (Morgan) Curiousity killed the cat, and it just might kill me so...
>
>MORGAN
>(defensive)
>I know something, all right, but this is the first time anybody _asked_
>me!
CROW: She needs attention, badly.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(blowing the filament on the last lightbulb in the pack)
MIKE: Yet another stupid lightbulb joke..
CROW: Hey, they said last one in the pack!
>You're absolutely right, Ensign. We have _got_ to stop
>underestimating you.
TOM: (Morgan) Well, I did cure cancer, but hey.. That's nothing..
>(beat)
>Now what _do_ you know?
JOEL: (Morgan) They sky is blue. Peoples is peoples. And the only reason seaQuest survived was
because of Spielburg.
>
>MORGAN
>Well, I've transferred the data on Trueman's disk back to the main
>computer. Percell wrote something that was supposed to bring them
>back in an hour...
CROW: (Morgan) ..with some new glasses...
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(incredulous)
>_Them_? You mean there were _two_ of them in on this?
MIKE: (Morgan) Well, with cloning, eighteen, but who's counting.
>
>MORGAN
>(tonguetied)
>Well, Sir, actually, Sir, there were sort of three.
TOM: They had their own barber shop trio.
>(beat, explaining)
>They asked me whether this thing of theirs would create an ionizing
>stream, but, frankly, the whole thing seemed so off-the-wall that I
>didn't think they'd actually _do_ anything.
JOEL: She's the only character that doesn't realize that she's in a story..
> And with all the viruses
>and other bugs we've had, I didn't make the connection between that
>and the flying toasters and all until...
CROW: (Morgan) ..I read the script. That sorted things out.
>(beat)
>Until now. I think I can set this right, but I've got to do it from
>Engineering.
MIKE: And, meanwhile, while they're going down there, they whole ship explodes. The end.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Redshirts)
>Take her. Quickly.
BOTS: (Redshirts) Our pleasure sir!!!!! Whoo whoo!
JOEL: Knock that off..
> We've only got about eight minutes before that web
>encircles us.
CROW: C|Net, world destroyer.
>
>CALLAN
>(hesitantly)
>Um, Sir? I gave you a ten-minute estimate back on the bridge, and
>that was two whole scenes ago.
>(beat)
>We're probably webbed, tractored and halfway to Myrtle Beach by now.
TOM: We can only hope that Hurricane Andrew will return and save them...
>
>Wolenczak turns on him angrily.
JOEL: Lucas has gone postal!!!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Shut up. Don't you know General Order Sixty?
MIKE: (Callan) Thou shall not.. Grill? No, that's not it..
>(beat, calmer)
>In highly suspenseful scenes in science fiction shows, chronos
>automatically slow down to permit a buzzerbeater in the last
>scene before the tag.
ALL: Your it!
>
>CALLAN
>(humbly)
>Sorry about that, Chief.
MIKE: That's great, but who are the Chefs?
CROW: Not going anywhere?
>
>CUT TO EXTERIOR _SEAQUEST_--CGI
>
>The webbing effect looks to be about ninety-five percent complete.
TOM: Not a ripp off of Star Trek, repeat, not a rip off of Star Trek.
> The
>two small ships are looping above the small remaining space and turning
>toward each other in preparation for closing the loop.
JOEL: They're driven by Boy Scouts!
> A stunt double
>in a Spiderman costume is seen from the rear climbing on a closed
>portion of the web.
CROW: (Spiderman) Just your friendly neighbor hood drowning man...
>
>CUT TO ENGINE ROOM
>
>Morgan is already seated at a terminal, with redshirts still in evidence
>over her. The black hole also remains in evidence.
MIKE: As the people's exhibets A through G.
> Wolenczak
>and Callan rush in.
TOM: Fools rush in.. I thought it was just a cliche until now...
>
>MORGAN
>(turning to them)
>I finally remembered where I'd seen those toasters before. One of my
>history courses at the Academy
JOEL: Steven Speilburg Presents: Police Acadamy: The Series
> talked about the computer revolutions
>of the late twentieth century.
CROW: Nobody would forget the great toaster revolution of 1988... It was a sad time in history..
>
>CALLAN
>I know. I lost my uncle in the Battle of Puget Sound.
MIKE: He must've been hit by a piece of the Kingdome...
>
>MORGAN
>(impatiently)
>No, not the wars--the _technical_ revolution! And one of the big
>steps was something called...
TOM: (Morgan) ..the Apple 2E...
>(beat, trying to pull it off the computer)
>Yeah--this is it! Ever hear of Windows '95?
JOEL: (Wolenczak) Can you eat it?
>
>WOLENCZAK, CALLAN
>(unison)
>Nope.
CROW: They've been living in the same cave as Salmon Rushtie for the last eight years..
>
>MORGAN
>(shaking her head)
>Scary little beast. It fizzled fast and ended up as a footnote in
>programming history, but it took over computing faster than you could
>say "Alexander Bourne." And it ate memory about as efficiently as any
>virus.
MIKE: Or pro wrestling.
>(beat, tapping a few keys again)
>I figured those disks of Sara's have such old programming on them,
>they might have been '95 boot disks.
TOM: Boy, even after his death, Bill Gates still has power over all..
>
>CALLAN
>(looking down at his feet)
JOEL: (Callan) That bunyon just keeps getting bigger and bigger...
>Huh?
>
>Morgan and Wolenczak exchange long-suffering glances.
ALL: So are we!
>
>MORGAN
>("why am I surrounded by idiots?")
CROW: Don't ask us, i't only available in the year 2000.
>No.
>(beat)
>Disks preloaded with the windows operating system that the computer
>would then "boot" from. If '95 got into something as advanced as our
>main computer system, who knows _what_ mischief it could do?
MIKE: (Callan) What does it mean by "Steve Jobs is an idiot?"
>
>WOLENCZAK
>And you think you can stop it in the--
>(glancing gleefully at Callan)
>--thirty seconds we have remaining?
JOEL: (Morgan) Well, yeah, we are the good guys.
>
>MORGAN
>Sir, I'm no computer expert, but I _do_ remember that whenever any of
>the greats--Jobs, Gates, Boyd--got hopelessly stuck in a program,
>all they'd do was hit these--
TOM: PANIC KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>(zoom on Morgan's hand touching ALT)
>--three--
>(she hits CTRL)
>--weird--
>(she hits DEL)
>--keys.
CROW: Blunt, yet effective.. I love it! Let's take it to broadway!
>
>As we pan back up, we hear swooshing sound to suggest the dissipation
>of the black hole. We no longer see Wolenczak or Callan, but Trueman
>and Percell are standing before Morgan exactly as they were before
>she exited back at the end of Act One. And she picks up exactly where
>she left off and says...
JOEL: So all that happened was that somebody hit the re-wind button?
>
>MORGAN
>Luck.
>
>Again she starts to exit, oblivious to everything that has happened.
>Trueman calls out to stop her.
MIKE: (monotone) Hey, you stop.
>
>TRUEMAN
>Anne! Wait! Come back here!
TOM: (Trueman) You left your "I hate people" bumber stickers and your UNABomber manifesto copy!
>
>Morgan is a bit miffed about how much of her time they're wasting
>considering they haven't actually _done_ anything.
CROW: So the whole thing was a dream? I.. (starts to shake)
MIKE: He's gonna blow!!!!
CROW: Heh. Figures. (stops shaking)
>
>MORGAN
>Now what? Are you going to turn it on or not?
>
>PERCELL
>What you talking about, girl? We've _been_ there.
JOEL: (Percell) Woodstock man, we were there man!
>
>TRUEMAN
>Done that.
>
>TRUEMAN and PERCELL
>(unison)
>Got the t-shirt.
CROW: It says "I traveled through time and space, and al I got was this lousy T-shirt"
>
>PERCELL
>(resuming the thread)
>Where were you when the hour was up? Why didn't you recall us?!
TOM: (Morgan) You weren't defective...
>
>MORGAN
>(still miffed but now a bit confused)
>What are you talking about? I only turned my back on you two a second
>ago.
MIKE: And that was her mistake, she never had time to realize what was going on as the spears..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(it's now an hour earlier, so the lightbulbs are all restocked)
JOEL: I think GE is funding this sucker..
>It never happened.
>(beat, excited)
>It brought us back, all right, but to the very point of our
>departure!
CROW: (Redneck) Well ain't that get all. Whoo wee.
>
>PERCELL
>(following the line of reasoning)
>So you haven't been looking for us?
TOM: (Morgan) Actually, I've been specically trying not too...
>
>MORGAN
>No.
MIKE: (Morgan) Look, do I know you?
>(beat, thoughtfully)
>But now that you mention it, I'm having these funny recollections of
>a guy I don't remember being on board before.
JOEL: Foreshadowing? This late?! RUN AWAY!!!
>
>TRUEMAN
>What did he look like?
MIKE: (Morgan) Like a guy I've never seen before..
>
>MORGAN
>I have no idea.
>
>CUT TO CORRIDOR
CROW: That was a crappy game..
>
>Trueman and Percell are recalling their experiences, _pretty_ sure it
>all happened, at least to them, and relieved that nobody had anything
>to get into trouble over. Wolenczak approaches; they quickly put the
>brakes on both walk and discussion, tensing a bit.
TOM: Hasn't everyobdy forgot?
> They aren't
>_entirely_ sure they aren't in trouble for _something_. To their
>surprise, Wolenczak's manner is conciliatory.
JOEL: (Wolenczak) Oh, while you were out surfing through time and space, all your families died.
Have a nice day.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Trueman)
>Ensign, I've been doing some thinking and some checking about our
>little, um, discussion earlier. There have already been some things
>written about the previous...
MIKE: ...spanking- NO!!
>
>He trails off, still not wanting to reveal "too much"--heh heh
>heh--to Percell.
CROW: I have the feeling that this was dictated.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(continues)
>...Incidents you were looking into, so I don't think there's any
>security risk in your pursuing this interest of yours.
TOM: Wha, wha, wha....
>
>TRUEMAN
>(surprised, but with a "too little too late" disappointment behind
>her reply)
>Sir, I...don't know what to say.
MIKE: (Trueman) Yes! I will marry you!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>Say you'll do this in the proper way through proper channels. Say
>you'll make a formal institute proposal and work within the
>restrictions you're given. Say you'll do this on your own time.
CROW: (Wolenczak) Go on, say it. Say it. SAY IT YOU WEENIE!!!!!
>(beat, firmly)
>And conduct any actual experiments off this boat.
>(looking worried, "worst case scenario")
>The last thing I need is a black hole in my engine room.
JOEL: Boy this is ironic... Wish it wasn't though...
>
>TRUEMAN
>Thank you, Sir. To be honest, the idea's not as exciting as it seemed
>at first.
>(beat)
>You were right--too many things could go wrong.
TOM: (Trueman) Can and will... WHOO YA!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>That's up to you. If you stay within the lines, you'll have my
>support.
MIKE: (Wolenczak) I have a 11 step programm for underachievers..
>
>Wolenczak's PAL beeps. He's never looked so happy over a noisy
>interruption.
JOEL: (Wolenczak) Dang gigapets..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(answering it)
>Wolenczak.
CROW: (Wolenczak) Your on K sea Quest, may I take your order?
>
>VOICE
>(over PAL)
>Sir, the Secretary General is on the line.
TOM: Butros-Butros Gali. I love saying that name..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>On my way.
>(to the others)
>Duty calls. It's nice to have all these things working again.
MIKE: (Wolenczak) At least until the next episode...
>
>He turns and heads back the way he was heading when the three met up.
>Trueman and Percell continue heading where _they_ left off.
JOEL: _they_ huh? SO, it's all what _they_ say then..
>
>TRUEMAN
>I can understand how the code got garbled.
CROW: (Trueman) Maybe you should get that stupid mask off.
>(beat)
>Good thing, too--whatever they did to "retrieve" us seems to have
>fixed the bugs in the communications.
TOM: And the plot holes..
>(beat, shaking her head)
>But what do you think was directing us while we were in there?
MIKE: Two words: Speil-Burg
>
>PERCELL
>(breezily)
>Oh, who knows? God, fate, time, whatever...
>
>Wilson comes down the corridor toward them, finally meeting them
>head-on, but the camera shot is off-face.
JOEL: The camera-man has finally disconvered girls, ain't it cute?
>
>WILSON
>(casually)
>Well, heidy-ho, time travelers. Getting a little philosophical today,
>I see.
CROW: Uh oh. I feel a disterbence in the force..
>
>TRUEMAN
>(baffled)
>Waitasec. Who _are_ you?
MIKE: (Wilson) My name's Character, Bad Character.
>(beat)
>And what do _you_ know about this?
TOM: (Wilson) I'm the script consultant, didn't have much of a job here, but I read the script.
>
>WILSON
>It's like this.
>
>He holds up very long strand of linguini.
JOEL: A man that can make pasta from air?!?
>
>WILSON
>(continues)
>This linguini represents your life. This end represents your birth,
>this end--
MIKE: (Wilson) Is your brain on drugs..
>(taking a bite)
>--Hmmmm, a little too al dente--your death. Pour some marinara sauce
>over it, serve it with parmesan cheese, you're bound to get something
>on the front of your shirt.
TOM: Like the bile that this scene causes.
>(beat, musing)
>The native inhabitants of Sicily figured that out years ago--that's
>why they invented bibs with maps of Italy on them for us to wear
>during dinner.
CROW: Italian jokes! They're treading on thin ice..
>
>PERCELL
>(dumbfounded)
>I have _no_ idea what you're talking about.
ALL: Neither do we!
>
>WILSON
>(nodding)
>That's the point. Now you're supposed to go inside and try to explain
>what I just said to Jill--
TOM: She fetched a pail of water you know..
>(another lightbulb goes off as he looks around)
>Waittttt a minute--where's their backyard? WHERE'S MY FENCE? Ta-
>taaaaaaaaa....
MIKE: Who's Ta?
>
>He exits hastily.
>
>PERCELL and TRUEMAN
>(to each other)
>Arrrr...Arrrr...Arrrr
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>FADE--QUICKLY--TO BLACK
TOM: I.. Think.. I'm.. Gonna... Be.... (hurls lung butter)
>
>THE END
ALL: THANK THE MAKER!
>
>Copyright 1997, 2047 staff. Prosecutors will be trespassed.
>
>
>
(They all get up to leave.)
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *...
(SOL, everybody looks dumbfounded)
JOEL: Wow. That was... Wow...
CROW: I have one word, bad.
TOM: Bad in a good way or- Never mind...
MIKE: Well... I can't think of one good thing to say about it..
JOEL: I can.
CROW: What?
JOEL: It was spell checked at least..
TOM: Got a point there...
MIKE: I think Dr Forrester really doesn't like us any more...
JOEL: Well, shouldn't I be going now?
CROW: Yeah, take that black hole devise down there...
JOEL: How do I-? (black hole appears) By guys, thanks for everything! (walks in)
MIKE: Well... Huh.. (mad light) Oh, Mr Bean is calling...
(Deep Soviet)
DR F: Not quite Nelson.. Do you have any idea how this happened?
MIKE: Not a clue.. Guess the black hole thing just went heywire..
DR F: I guess... (Torgo enters)
TORGO: The m-m-m-mMaster will sOrt tHis ouT... I tHinK....
Insert button ASCII here.
All rights beling to whomever they do. Don't sue me.
>PERCELL and TRUEMAN
>(to each other)
>Arrrr...Arrrr...Arrrr
--------------3877828CEABE63D1C5823EDF--
Zach Wilson
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Whoops. I forgot to actually attach the sucker.
--------------21BD4743AC1F46BC692E8E45
(Insert da-da-da here)
>
>SeaQuest SNN
>"Final Run"
TOM: Wow. Sky.
MIKE: Thrilling jogging action.
MIKE: (Wallace) Ow!
MIKE: Not to us..
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>CUT TO ENGINEERING
>TAYLOR
>Good, Taylor out.
>MYERS
>(V.O.)
>Affirmative.
>MYERS
>Yes, sir.
>CUT TO BRIDGE
MIKE: At our leguire..
TOM: Do'h.
>ANDERSON
>All right then.
TOM: Probe pus.. Ewwie..
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>CUT TO OUTSIDE SHIP
>
>CUT TO BRIDGE
>
>TAYLOR
>Taylor here.
>
>FADE OUT
>
>
>
>
>WIN VALUABLE PRIZES
>
>ACT THREE:16
>
>CALLAN
>(completely lost)
>(beat)
>Damn!
CROW: Launguage!
CROW: Yo mama!
>(beat)
>And...close that door.
CROW: No, you think?
CROW: Waaay to long..
>
>T.O.K.
>Wow! Cool!
TOM: No, not really.
TOM: Ball of twine!
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(to Riller)
>And?
>(beat)
>flying toasters?
>
>WOLENCZAK
>By how much?
>(beat)
>Where available.
>
>They exit.
TOM: No, not really.
ALL: Norm!
TOM: AHHHH!!!!!
>
>OPEN ON INNER OFFICE
TOM: That's ironic?
>...several times.
>
>PERCELL
>(shaking her head)
CROW: (Intercom) That tickles!
>
>PERCELL
>(jumping in again)
>
>BRIDGER
>No, no, no.
>
>BRIDGER
>(firmly)
>_Seven_-Lincoln.
>
>PERCELL
>(mystified)
>Delaware?
>
>BRIDGER
>Tax purposes.
CROW: Dang capital gains..
>(beat, sternly)
>(beat)
>Hits on Percellsara--negative.
CROW: Bud bump bum.
JOEL: Ben Stein: Vulcan.
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(nodding)
>Good.
MIKE: ...A film edit..
TOM: Thank god.
>(over his shoulder)
>Polians--engage!
CROW: Your cousins- NO!
TOM: ...In joke?
>
>BURKE
>A...
CROW: ...In joke
CROW: (Burke) ...Four pages..
TOM: Two minute warning!
>
>WILSON
>(frustrated)
>Blazes!
>Well, gee, neighbor,
MIKE: Not everybody.
ALL: SHUT UP!
>
>"LUCY"
>Yes, Mister Witherbottom.
>
>VOICE
>Okay, Missus.... Missus....
>
>PERCELL
>It's Miz.
>
>"LUCY"
>(enthused)
>Les Miz?
>
>DARWIN
>Officer's Club.
ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL: Us too!
>
>ALL THREE
>(unison)
>WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: Thank the gods.
TOM: Thrilling chair-turning action.
MIKE: A 'special' friend.
>
>LUCAS
>(with amazement)
MIKE: Then falls out.
CROW: NO DON'T!!!
ALL: Your it!
>
>WOLENCZAK, CALLAN
>(unison)
>Nope.
MIKE: Or pro wrestling.
ALL: So are we!
TOM: PANIC KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>MORGAN
>No.
MIKE: ...spanking- NO!!
TOM: Wha, wha, wha....
JOEL: (Wolenczak) Dang gigapets..
>
>WOLENCZAK
>(answering it)
>Wolenczak.
MIKE: Two words: Speil-Burg
ALL: Neither do we!
MIKE: Who's Ta?
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>FADE--QUICKLY--TO BLACK
>
>THE END
ALL: THANK THE MAKER!
Insert button ASCII here.
--------------21BD4743AC1F46BC692E8E45--
Laurelyn Smith
The mighty and powerful Zach Wilson wrote:
>The real part two. I realize that it does say it twice. My bad.. Oh,
>yeah, there's bad shorts in front of each bit..
Bad shorts I can handle...but are they upsetting?
Laurelyn
BLeeKrause
I used to have some bad shorts. As I recall they covered the naughty bits
but not a lot more.
BLeeK - They weren't upsetting to me.
Brenda Krause MiSTie #59181