MiSTed - Out of the Woods (7/7)
Bill Livingston
CROW: And five more indicted administration officials.
> This must have been the shortest missing persons case
>in history, thought Scully
SERVO: No, that was actually the Billy Barty disappearance.
> as she reluctantly began placing
>papers into a yellow folder. After only seven days
SERVO: They just said eight days!
MIKE: Let it go, Tom , we're heading into the home stretch!
SERVO: I want this to be over!
> the
>Bureau preferred to ignore the fact (or the embarrassment)
CROW: Whichever came first.
>that one of their own was missing and possibly quite
>dangerous; instead, they sent the case downstairs and, they
>hoped, into obscurity.
MIKE: Oh, now, see, who's going to believe that the government
would try to cover something up?
> "Not if Mulder can help it, "
>Scully vowed quietly, "or I."
MIKE: Or I!
SERVO: Or I, too!
CROW: Or I, three!
> Fox Mulder entered their office and walked purposefully
>up to Scully's desk with his hands in his pockets.
[Crow moans]
> He swayed on
>his heels for a moment, then said simply, "They found him."
SERVO: The cat had him hidden under the couch
> Scully dropped her pen, her glasses making her widening
>eyes look even wider.
CROW: She's an an eye creature, heh-heh-heh.
MIKE: What?
> "Where?"
CROW: Hey, she's riffing on you now, Mike!
MIKE: Maybe it's an interactive posting.
> she asked, holding her
>breath.
> Mulder opened his mouth, as if unsure whether or not to
>tell her, then rapidly making a choice.
SERVO: Another key decision made in a split second by Mulder!
> "In Twin Peaks, "
CROW: [as Robert Stack] Tonight on "Unsolved Mysteries"; the tale
of one Dale Cooper, who vanished from a hospital in Arizona,
and turned up at a Taco Bell in Twin Peaks.
>he replied, his eyes hardening. "I've got a plane waiting."
SERVO: It's for the President: he needs another haircut.
> Scully stood immediately, picking up the file on her
>desk labeled "COOPER, DALE- CASE #X-001198" and headed for
>the door, Mulder right behind her.
>
>[At 30,000 feet]
MIKE: For those of you outside the US, that's 9,144 meters.
SERVO: Metres.
MIKE: Whatever.
> Scully allowed her gaze to linger over the small photo
>of Dale Cooper that was included in the file-
CROW: It would have looked so good on a milk carton.
> even with his
>slicked-back hair and conservative dress, Cooper exuded an
>inner purity of spirit.
MIKE: Sister Mary Dale Cooper
> There was a wisdom in the depths of
>those dark liquid eyes, a wisdom that was matched only by
>one other.
SERVO: Shemp.
> She closed the file, shaking her head. There
>were too many questions and not enough answers...reasonable
>answers.
CROW: It's called "the world", lady!
> Mulder leaned over and took the file from her hands.
CROW: Hey, that's my file!
SERVO: Yeah, yeah, you're drooling all over the photo.
>"Cooper's all right, Scully-don't worry. Albert 's with him
>and has checked him out."
SERVO: He's due back at the library in three weeks
> Dana could hear the concern in Mulder's voice for her
>state of mind
MIKE: At the moment, Washington State.
> and suddenly realized how relived and nervous
>Mulder must be, as well.
CROW: Mulder's been reincarnated!
SERVO: [Falsetto] Dear Red Shoes, I am a former diarist who has
been reincarnated as an FBI agent.
> She gave him a small smile and
>tilted her head a fraction. "I'm glad Albert's there. But
>what happened, Mulder? What is his condition?"
MIKE: Oh Albert's fine, but shouldn't you be worried about Cooper?
> "Cooper has a slight concussion and some scrapes and
>bruises. Otherwise, he's still in one piece.
SERVO: [chuckling] Oh, that Cooper, he's been at it again!
> I spoke with
>Sheriff Truman and he told me," Mulder shrugged his
>shoulders as if he didn't quite believe it himself, "he told
>me that Cooper just walked out of the woods and into the
>station."
[Mike & Crow shrug: Tom just kind of Bobs (sorry)]
> Mulder cracked a small smile, "Truman knew it
>really was Cooper because the first thing he asked for was a
>cup of coffee."
> "And what do you think?" Scully asked, scanning his
>face.
MIKE: Oh no coffee for me, thanks, I'm cutting down.
> Mulder looked down at Scully and said with assurance,
>"I believe that Cooper, somehow, has made it back."
SERVO: Baby got back, huh!
> Scully took in a large breath. "Back from where?
>Mulder, how did Cooper get to Twin Peaks from Watmok,
>Arizona?"
CROW: For the answer to these and many other questions, tune
in for the next exciting installment of "As the FBI Turns"
> "Scully..." Mulder began, then stopped, and looked out
>the window.
SERVO: His mind is wandering.
CROW: Don't worry, it's too weak to get very far.
> He didn't turn back towards her and began
>quietly, "Scully, you need to talk, no we need to talk,
SERVO: No you need to, no I need to, no we need to...
MIKE: Well, when you work out who's gonna be on the panel,
give me a call
>about what happened in Arizona. I know what I experienced,"
>he turned to look at her face again, "but you haven't told
>me everything."
MIKE: Dude! I flaked, man!
> Lowering her eyes, Scully began twining her hands and
>replied evasively, "You read my report, Mulder."
SERVO: You were very thorough in your sources, but I had to count
off five for grammar usage.
> Anger crept into Mulder's voice. "Damn it Dana, you
>know I read it. And you know what I did after I read it?
CROW: He optioned it to Gramercy Pictures for half a mil!
>I went straight to Personnel and personally shredded your
>reprimand." Dana looked up at Mulder, anger now in her eyes.
MIKE: Yeah, I always get mad when someone expunges a black
mark from my employment record.
CROW: Hey, Mike, think they've missed you at Happy Temps yet?
MIKE: Are you kidding? Dr. F keeps sending in my timecard and
collecting matching funds on me!
> His voice rising, Mulder continued anyway. "No Dana,
CROW: No Dana, no nothing!
>you won't be getting a reprimand in your record, because I
>know that you did not have a mental breakdown that day in
>Arizona, due to fatigue or stress or whatever you had
>written down,
SERVO: Boredom with this whole "Bob" thing, more than likely.
> because *I know you*. Tell me," he demanded,
>then balled his fists and with head bent
CROW: Oh, it hurts!
MIKE: Steady, it's gettin' close to the end.
SERVO: You're *sure*?
MIKE: I think!
CROW: Feels like we've been in here since Twin Peaks was actually
on the air!
> said almost
>pleadingly, "tell me what happened to you, Dana." Mulder
>paused,
MIKE: Ah, the pause that refreshes!
> and then said almost as an afterthought, "If....if
>you can't tell me, at least talk to Cooper when we see him.
>You can't just let this go."
CROW: If you love something, let it go!
SERVO: If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and...
MIKE: *Must* you?
SERVO: I must, Mike, I must!
> Dana sat, trembling with emotion, trying to stay
>composed.
SERVO: Stay together, cheeks!
> Even her dreams were a distant memory now, and
>remembrances of that day in Arizona were really just
>fragmented images and feelings;
CROW: [as Scully] I remember Bob, and a... a bedpan?
> feelings she wanted to keep
>secret. There was only one image that she clearly recalled,
>and that was what frightened Scully the most.
SERVO: Accepting a lift from Ted Kennedy?
> She felt hot
>tears welling up in her eyes and reached a hand out
>tentatively towards Mulder's bent head. "I-" she stammered,
MIKE: Well, technically it's not really a stammer yet, but she's working
on it
>trying to overcome the catches in her throat. Mulder
>looked up slowly at the sound of her voice
SERVO: Geez, doesn't she ever shut up?
> and Scully gently
>put her hand on his cheek.
CROW: Doesn't bother me anymore.
MIKE: You sure?
CROW: Yeah, I’m fuh-fuh-fine with it-it-it-it!
> The tears began to flow in earnest, and
>she said brokenly, "I tried to kill you Mulder... and that's all I remember."
MIKE: [as Scully] Did I succeed?
> Mulder quelled whatever emotions he was feeling at the
>sight of Scully's anguish.
MIKE: Yeah, just ignore 'em and they'll go away, that's his philosophy
> He unselfishly pulled her close
>to him,
CROW: Unselfish, my shiny robot butt!
> murmuring, "It's okay Scully, I know it wasn't you;
>it wasn't you, Dana." He took her by the shoulders as she
>wiped away tears and said with conviction,
MIKE: [as Mulder] If you don't quit crying, little missy, I'll give you
something to cry about!
> "Dana, that
>wasn't you. You fought him and you won, you hear me? You
>fought Bob and you won."
SERVO: [singing] I fought the Bob, and the Bob won
MIKE: Hey, I already used that one!
SERVO: Shoulda called "dibs"
> Scully nodded slightly, clearly embarrassed by her show
>of emotion.
CROW: Actually, thanks to Al Gore's "Reinventing Government" program,
Federal employees are now allowed to show some emotions.
SERVO: As long as you fill out an "Emotion Requisition Form" ERF-42R
in triplicate and submit it to the proper authorizing coordinator!
> But now that she had confronted it, she began
>to speak, softly at first, then growing louder and more
>animated as the need to express herself grew. Mulder sighed
MIKE: It's gonna be a *long* trip to Arizona
CROW: [as Scully] So then I saw Bob, and like, he was, like, totally
gross and stuff, and so then, like...
MIKE: [as Mulder] Why don't you step outside and freshen up a little before
you go on?
>and listened to every word she said, giving small smiles of
>encouragement, nods of understanding, occasionally
>interjecting with a tangent of his own perspective.
SERVO: All the while tearing pieces of paper into little strips!
>Eventually, they reached the events that they both felt
>uneasy talking about.
MIKE: The season finale of "Friends"!
SERVO: Phil Gramm's candidacy.
CROW: The Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie marriage
> Scully really had no memory of the
>events in the Red Room, except for the feelings-
MIKE: [singing] Nothing more than feelings
> her inner
>turmoil as she saw some part of herself, some image of
>herself, attack Mulder.
SERVO: Oh, yes, yes!
>
> Mulder accepted Scully's explanation of how much she
>saw and believed happened. He watched her emotions, usually
>so guarded, bubble right behind her eyes
MIKE: [as Julia Child] And as the emotions come to a bubble, it's
time to add a little nip of cooking sherry
> as she told him how
>she had experienced fear as she had never known before.
CROW: [as Scully] I thought I'd be trapped in this stupid post *forever*!
>He wondered how difficult it was for her to admit these
>feelings
MIKE: [singing] Woh-woh-woh, feelings!
SERVO: [woozy] Geez, Mike, that song's makin' me nauseous!
> to him, reminding himself just how difficult-and
>revealing- it was to look at his own emotions during their
>situation, especially when he had thought Dana...
CROW: He thought she was getting more money than him.
SERVO: Yeah, but he gets a chance to direct, so it evens out.
> Scully looked sideways at Mulder, then said scoldingly,
>"Mulder, you aren't even listening to me anymore."
MIKE: Whadaya mean "Anymore"?
> Mulder let his gaze fall, then he looked up again into
>her glinting grey eyes. He said softly, "It's not the
>words that matter, Scully. It's the truth behind them."
SERVO: Oh, Mulder's a deconstructionist!
CROW: He probably posts to alt.non-sequitor
SERVO: Home of such profound posts as "Courageous Courteous
Courtesans Counting Coup"
> Scully pondered this for a moment, then flashed Mulder
ALL: SA-A-AY!!
>a grateful smile.
ALL: A-A-A-AWW!!!
> They sat in silence, listening to the
>droning of the airplane until Scully said suddenly, "I
>could never hurt you, Mulder."
CROW: Well, you could at least *try*!
> Mulder's hands drifted absently towards his middle. "I
>know," he replied simply.
MIKE: Agent Love-Handles, on the job!
> "I never meant to hurt you," Scully said, her hands
>finding his.
CROW: [as Scully] Here, you left these under the seat!
> Mulder sighed and squeezed her hands.
SERVO: YAAAH!! You're crushing the bones! You're crushing the
bones!
> Again, the tumble
>of emotions this case created within him threatened to
>expose themselves
ALL: YU-U-UCK!!
> for analysis. He didn't want to examine
>them.
SERVO: Join the club!
> Nevertheless, Scully was waiting for some sort of
>response. "Everyone loves Cooper," he said finally.
CROW: All at once, or sequentially?
MIKE: [sighs deeply]
> "You said that before," Scully replied instantly,
>making sure that Mulder was looking into her eyes as she
>spoke.
SERVO: You are falling into a deep trance! Your will is now mine!
CROW: Help me. I be hip-mo-tized!
> She blinked for a minute, then said deliberately,
>"but I don't love Cooper." Mulder dropped her hands and
>turned his head towards the window.
CROW: Hey, I can see my house from up here!
> Scully continued
>earnestly. "Mulder, you know that."
> Mulder brought his hand to his mouth and bobbed his
>head,
ALL: BOB'S BACK!! RUN!!! [all scatter]
> then turned to Scully with a smile in his hazel eyes
>and replied, "I know."
[All return]
CROW: That was a close call!
SERVO: Yeah. *Too* close!
>
> Scully closed her eyes and leaned back against her
>seat, drained. She turned away from Mulder, her cheek
>pressing against the rough fabric of the plane seat,
CROW: [sniffs] Boy, whoever sat here last never heard of "Sure"!
>silently cursing herself, the Bureau, the X-files-
SERVO: David Lynch, Chris Carter, CNN...
CROW: Bob Packwood, Richard Gephardt, baseball owners...
MIKE: Riki Lake, Penn Gillette, the guy that canceled "Sliders"...
>it seemed they had brought Mulder nothing but grief ever since
>she had known him. "Yet," a familiar voice from her memory
>told her, "at least you respect the journey."
SERVO: Hey, she's channeling Steve Perry!
MIKE: He's not even dead.
SERVO: Tell his agent that!
CROW: Maybe he knows George Burns?
MIKE & SERVO: C'mon! Geez! Give it a break
CROW: What?!? What?!?
> Scully smiled
>to herself and strained to hear the breathing of the man
>sitting next to her.
MIKE: [breathes noisily, making gurgling noises]
> No, she thought to herself in sudden
>revelation, I don't love Dale Cooper; there's someone else
>I care about and he's....
SERVO: Urkel!
> "Scully," said Mulder.
> Startled and half-expecting Mulder to complete her
>thought, Scully turned to Mulder, only to find him pointing
>out the window.
MIKE: [as Mulder] They look like ants, don't they?
> "Welcome to Twin Peaks."
ALL: [hum the TP theme]
>
> Mulder studied Dana's profile as she leaned over him to
>get a better look at the town below.
CROW: Yeah, sure, he's just trying to peek down her blouse
> He had a feeling he
>understood what she had been trying to tell him earlier and
>he marveled, not for the first time, at the powers that be
>that had brought them together.
MIKE: Oh, now that was a funny show!
CROW: So, John Forsythe is really the creator of "X-Files"
>
> Dusk was fast approaching as Mulder and Scully piled
>into the four-by-four.
SERVO: I don't think two people can technically be called a "pile"
MIKE: Unless one is Jim Nabors.
SERVO: D'OH!!
> "Are they expecting us?" Scully asked sarcastically as
>she threw her gear into the flatbed and scanned the empty
>parking lot.
MIKE: [as Data] Captain, I have scanned this parking lot for life signs,
and all I pick up is some owls.
SERVO: [as Picard] Careful, Data, they are not what they seem.
> "They'd probably seriously handicap their law
>enforcement staff
CROW: Especially if they, like, smashed their ankles with a
sledgehammer or something!
> by asking someone to meet us," Mulder
>quipped. "This is a small town, Scully. I bet this car
>constitutes half of their fleet."
SERVO: Is Twin Peaks big enough to have an airport?
CROW: Yeah, and do they always leave their squad cars just sitting
around for visitors to use, or what?
MIKE: Stop making sense!
> Scully climbed into her side of the car and sighed,
>"Well, I guess we get the scenic tour. You know Mulder, I
>dated a park ranger once."
SERVO: Walker, Texas Park Ranger!
> "Oh yeah?" Mulder said mischievously as he climbed
>into his seat. "Was his name Smmokey?"
CROW: Hey, that was smmooth.
MIKE: Yeah, it brought a smmug smmile to my face.
SERVO: Ah, I could smmell it a mmile away, like a smmorgasbord.
> Scully gave Mulder a glare and continued to speak; not
>about cases or other Bureau business, but about anything
>other than work.
CROW: [as Scully] ...so, like, I go "no way", to her, see, but she's like
all, "I swear, I saw them," y'know, and...
MIKE: [as Mulder] All I have to do is turn right into one of these damn
Douglas Firs. *Then* I could get some peace & quiet!
> Scully told Mulder about the time she beat
>both of her brothers in a canoe race while Mulder told
>outrageously tall tales about his camping days as a Boy
>Scout,
SERVO: They just sat around the fire with the aliens, toasted
marshmallows and sang bawdy space shanties.
> the two of them sharing memories and learning about
>each other from a whole different perspective.
MIKE: [as Mulder] Load!
CROW: [as Scully] Dickweed!
> Her sides hurting from laughter, Scully felt like she
>had no secrets from Mulder; in so many words, she had told
>him all about her fears and feelings-
MIKE: [singing] Feelings like I never...
SERVO: I swear I'll never tell another zombie joke again, Mike, if
you'll just quit singing that damn song!
> and their bulwark of
>mutual trust was once again in place. She never felt closer
>to Mulder than she did now.
CROW: Sitting in his lap!
> She was reminded of what Cooper
>had told her-
SERVO: About the Great Pumpkin.
> he had said that secrets were dangerous
>things, and Scully believed that now more than ever.
MIKE: Not *all* secrets.
CROW: Such as?
MIKE: Well..
SERVO: C'mon, Nelson, you're the one that brought it up!
MIKE: Okay, it's Wednesday, and I'm still wearing my "Tuesday" briefs.
CROW: [pauses] That's just a *little* bit more than we wanted to know
about you, Mike
SERVO: It wasn't dangerous, just unnecessary
>"You were right, Cooper," she murmured to herself.
> "What? What was Cooper right about this time," Mulder
>asked easily.
CROW: The owls really *aren't* what they seem.
> "He...was right about the trees here. They're
>beautiful," Scully replied, smiling. Well, some of the
>mystery had to be kept in their relationship...
CROW: Yeah, like why they have one!
>
> Nightfall deepened the shadows in the surrounding
>forest as Scully and Mulder pulled up to the Twin Peaks
>sheriff's headquarters.
SERVO: Yep, them nighttime shadows is real scary, kids!
> "Ghostwood Forest, " Mulder had
>informed her earlier, a wry smile twisting his lips,
MIKE: Muh wibs. Fumfing dwizded muh wibs!
>"Spooksville, U.S.A."
MIKE: Invasion, USA
SERVO: Rocket Attack, USA
CROW: Gomer Pyle, USMC
> Scully squinted and tried to
>penetrate the woodland gloom and decided with a shudder that
>she had developed quite a healthy dislike for trees.
SERVO: [as Reagan] You know, trees cause more pollution than cars -
at least that's what Nancy told me.
> A very tall slim man with thinning hair in a deputy's
>uniform
SERVO: Mardis Gras costumes of the Northwest.
> saw them approach and entered the station calling
>excitedly, "Sheriff Truman! Sheriff Truman? They're here!"
CROW: It's the Amway people! They've got the new merchandise!
> Mulder and Scully walked up the steps and were greeted
>by a rugged-looking man
SERVO: Quien es Mas Macho, Senor Duchovny, or Senor Ontkean?
> with a mop of dark brown curly hair
>and deep brown eyes. His voice was gruff but kindly.
MIKE: Gentle, but manly
CROW: Quiet, but forceful
SERVO: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
> "I'm Sheriff Truman. Welcome to Twin Peaks," he
>gestured to the tall deputy who was hurrying away, "that was
>Deputy Andy."
CROW: He's kind of shy, so just make sure he's not like hiding under
the car or something when you drive off.
> Mulder shook Truman's hand, "I'm Special Agent Fox
>Mulder, we spoke on the phone,
MIKE: So are you ready to join "Friends and Family"?
> and this is my partner,
>Special Agent Dana Scully."
CROW: [as Truman] I'll say she's special, nyah-ah-ah!
> "Ma'am. Cooper's been waiting for you two to arrive."
> "Has he told you what happened to him, sheriff?" asked
>Scully.
SERVO: Something about a giant worm, and meeting Captain Picard,
I dunno, I think he's still nuts!
> "No ma'am, not a peep.
CROW: Well, it's nowhere near Easter, anyway.
> I was hoping you two could clue
>me in. He wanted to wait for you to be here. Right now he's..."
MIKE: Brushing up his Shakespeare.
> "Right here, Harry." Cooper stepped out through the
>glass doors and joined them on the steps. He and Mulder
>clasped hands.
MIKE: Let go!
SERVO: You let go first!
MIKE: Make me!
> "I was meditating just now until I sensed
>your arrival," he informed them, then held up a hand.
CROW: Is this a hand I see before me? Yep, sure looks like it!
>"It's okay; I had enough time to complete my mantra and feel
>completely refreshed.
MIKE: [as Madeline Kahn] Ah, I feel wefweshed!
SERVO: I don't care if he is out of the laughing academy: the
guy's still a french fry short of a happy meal!
> I'm sure you all have a lot of
>questions and I am now ready to answer them.
SERVO: If a tree falls in the forest, and Bob's nowhere around,
is anyone evil?
MIKE: What is the sound of one government conspirator clapping?
CROW: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
MIKE: Yeah!
> As soon as
>Albert gets back with the coffee and pie I sent out for,"
>he finished with a grin. "You'll never taste better
>anywhere else."
SERVO: Remember kids; caffeine and sugar always enhance
one's studying powers, so ask for it by name!
> Truman chuckled, placed a hand on Cooper's shoulder,
SERVO: [British] Hmph, it's a fair cop!
MIKE: [ditto] And no talking to the camera!
>and said solemnly, "Coop, this town hasn't been the same
>since you left."
CROW: Yeah, it's been normal!
> Scully looked at Cooper fondly and asked, "Cooper, how
>are you feeling?"
MIKE: Like this [waves hands in air]
> He turned to her and said assuredly, "Agent Scully, I
>feel great. The door to the Black Lodge has been closed and
>Bob is trapped inside."
CROW: "The stick barks at midnight." SO WHAT DOES ANY OF
THIS CRAP MEAN?!?!?
> He tilted his head slightly and
>then said, "Albert will be arriving shortly."
SERVO: I can *smell* him coming, like a plate of bad clams!
> A car careened into the parking lot and Rosenfield
>emerged from inside, carrying a large thermos of coffee.
>"Fox!" he barked at the sight of them,
MIKE: We've tried to train him not to bark at company.
> struggling to get his
>keys free from his black trench coat, "Don't just stand
>there like the damned Secret Service, give me a hand with
>this swill."
CROW: Yeah, do something useful, like get the pie and stuff!
> Mulder shook his head with a smile and moved down the
>steps to help Rosenfield as darkness rapidly approached.
>Truman gestured for everyone to go inside when they all
>froze at the sound of an owl hooting somewhere near, from
>within the woods.
SERVO: Why an owl? What happened to Bob? Who was Cooper's
cousin? What about Annie and Trent and the big ugly overarmed
prison guards?
CROW: Mike, do you get the feeling that we just sat through the
longest post in the history of the civilized world, and that the
only thing that really changed was Cooper's hair?
MIKE: Well, it *was* a little padded.
SERVO: It made "The Starfighters" look like a documentary!
CROW: What's worse is, I think we're being set up for a sequel.
SERVO: They wouldn't dare!
MIKE: This is *Forrester* we're talking about.
SERVO: We're doomed
> Scully looked into the blackness of the densely packed
>trees and shivered.
CROW: [as Scully] The trees are so, like, *scary*!
> "Cooper," she asked, folding her arms
>and squinting at him through the deepening night, "how can
>you be so sure that Bob won't return? Where have you been
>these past eight days?"
SERVO: Basking in the warmth of my own sweet personality!
> Rosenfield stepped up to stand next to Truman and
>Mulder moved close to Dana's side.
MIKE: Oh, please, don't let this be a song cue!
> They all looked at
>Cooper intently as he placed his hand on Dana's shoulder.
> "That," he replied, with a look of anticipation in his
>eyes and slight weariness in his voice, "is a whole other
>story."
SERVO: [as Paul Harvey] It's the REST...of the story. Good DAY!
> Dale Cooper turned silently towards the doors of the
>sheriff's station
CROW: Now?
MIKE: Not yet.
> followed by Dana and the others, leading
>them away from the foreboding darkness
SERVO: Now?
MIKE: Wait for it
>of the night and into the light...
SERVO & CROW: *Now*?!?
MIKE: One more second.
> The End
ALL: YES!!!!! YA-A-AYYY!!!!!!
>Out of the Woods
>By Peggy Li
CROW: Oh it's finally true!!
O <2> |3| {4} [5] (6)
[SOL - Mike and the bots are standing at the desk. Mike's is resting
his hands on a stack of papers, while Crow has an urn in front of him]
CROW: I'm certainly glad that's over!
MIKE: Yeah, for two shows that are fairly interesting, there really
wasn't that much going on here.
SERVO: Yeah, and what action there was, was incomprehensible
to the point of, of, well, incomprehensibility.
MIKE: Yeah. Well, I don't think we should blame the writer here. I mean,
it's really tricky to write a crossover between two different TV series
and make it work.
CROW: I know. It says a lot when the most successful example of the
artform was between "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "Petticoat Junction".
SERVO: Doesn't stop people from trying it on the net, though.
MIKE: Well, maybe that's a good thing in its own way. I mean it lets
a lot of mutated creative juices flow in semi-harmless directions.
CROW: Uh, speakin' of that, Mike, what's on the paper?
MIKE: Well, I've been letting some of my own juices flow -
CROW: I *really* wish you'd phrased that differently!
MIKE: *Anyway*, I wrote my own crossover.
SERVO: Who is it?
MIKE: "Star Trek The Next Generation" and "Happy Days"
[silence]
MIKE: No really.
[more silence]
MIKE: See, Picard has to take the ship back in time and save Joanie
and Chachi from being Borged. My favorite line is here on page
28, where Chachi says to Counselor Troi, "We are the Borg. How
would you like to be assimilated? Wah-wah-wah!"
SERVO: Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
SERVO: Seek help soon.
MIKE: Well, what's this monstrous box of foolscap you have down here?
[reaches under the desk and pulls up a box full of paper]
SERVO: That's *my* crossover story, and it's *way* cooler than yours!
CROW: Geez, Servo, what'd you do, cross over everybody?
SERVO: Of course not. [pause] Just all the sitcoms.
MIKE & CROW: HUH?
SERVO: Yeah! Every single sitcom in TV history, from "The Goldbergs"
to "Absolutely Fabulous"! It's great! Colonel Klink meets Major Dad!
Kramer visits Gilligan’s Island! All the different versions of MacLean
Stevenson, from "M*A*S*H" to "Hello Larry", finally meet each other!
I tell you guys, this is a masterpiece!
MIKE: Well, it's certainly - ambitious!
SERVO: I'll say! This here is volume 3. I've got the other 7 boxes around
somewhere. Wanna read it now, or wait till I'm done?
CROW: Oh, why ruin the experience by starting too early?
MIKE: Right. Uh, what about you, Crow, you writin' one of these, too?
CROW: I was, but it didn't work out.
MIKE: How come?
CROW: Well, what's left of it's in here [indicates urn].
SERVO: What happened?
CROW: Ah, I tried to write a "thirtysomething"/"Sisters"/"My So-Called Life"
crossover, but it spontaneously combusted when it reached critical
angst mass.
SERVO: Maybe it's for the best. This way, the world is spared the ultimate pity party by upper-middle class snots.
MIKE: Why don't you give them the info, Servo?
SERVO: Oh, yeah. [announcer] To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List,
send an e-mail message to "mne...@engin.umich.edu" with "DIBS-SUB"
in the subject line and text in the message indicating you wish to join the Dibs List. Be sure to read the Guidelines for MiSTing, described in the FAQ.
GYPSY: [Comes on and deposits a script on the desk] I've got one too, Mike.
MIKE: Hey, that's great, Gypsy! What's yours?
GYPSY: "60 Minutes" and "20/20"
[silence]
CROW: Uh, Gyps, I don't...
GYPSY: There's a great Morley Safer/Barbara Walter slapfight on page 19.
ALL: Really?!? [All gather around and open the script]
MIKE: Oh, what'd you guys think, "sirs"?
SERVO: [chuckling] Oh that Morley, gotta love him!
[D13 - Dr.F standing at the console. Flashing lights are emanating
from the "agony booth" area]
DR.F: Well, don't get too smarmy, Deputy Dawg! Wait til you see what
*else* I have in store for you. Push the bu- [looks around] Frank? Frank? Hm, I sent him to check those owl noises a while ago. Wonder where he is.
[Behind Dr F, Frank slowly emerges from the booth area, dressed as Bob]
FRANK: The Owls are not what they seem!
DR.F: Oh, Frank, cut the crap and push the button!
FRANK: Fire, Walk With Me!
DR.F: Look Frank, I don't have time for this!
FRANK: Through the dark of future past, the magi- WAH! [Dr. F conks
him with a pipe wrench]
DR.F: Doppleganger my pasty white butt!
[Now Frank walks in from behind him]
FRANK: Hiya, Dr. F.
DR.F: Frank. [Double take] *Frank*?!?
FRANK: Yeah, I couldn't find those pesky owls, so I stepped out for a gyro.
Say, who's this fabulous hunk? [Frank bends down to examine "Frank". An
arm reaches up and grabs him] YOW! OWIE OWIE OWIE! [Fight sounds ensue]
DR.F: [looking aghast] Oh boy! Uh, until next time, Happy-feet!
[FWOOSH!!!]
------------------------------------------------------------------
"OUT OF THE WOODS": by Peggy Mei-Ling Li
MiSTING OF "OUT OF THE WOODS": by Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon
FASHIONS: by K-Mart, WalMart, and Hwy 67 Clothiers
DOWN: by the Old Mill Stream
NUMBER ONE: The Larch
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the authors of
all the Amendments (except the 22nd), and whoever invented peanut butter.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
All characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or
owners. No matter how dopey, one-note, or irritating they are. Use of
copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. (or others) is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied; impersonal ones are allowed, as long as the proper form is filled out!
Comments, Compliments, Criticisms, and offers to buy cars for me should be directed to bi...@Traveller.COM
Keep circulating the posts.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It seems that the host victim must die before
transference occurs. Weak spirits are vulnerable to him as
well, I believe. So if we run into him...don't worry, be
happy."