MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 6/6)
Loren Haarsma
=========================== part 6/6 ===============================
[return from commercials]
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maquis part 11
>> Date: 12 Nov 1996 15:41:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 128
>> Message-ID: <56a5ql$8...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: ruacad-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 11
>> story serialized weekly.
>>
>> Feedback Requested.
Mike04: You see? Someone out there appreciates my rendition of "The
Star-Spangled Banner."
>> MSTers accepted.
Crow09: Like MSTer Rogers.
Mike09: MSTer Mom.
Tom09: MSTer Right.
Mike09: MSTer Wizard.
Tom09: MSTer Tibbs.
Crow09: MSTer MSTer.
Tom13: What's a MSTer?
Mike13: MSTer MSTer?
Tom13: [singing] Take these broken wings....
>>
>> Chapter Ten
Tom04: The Secret of the Ooze.
>>
>> Jay Gordon was admiring Marrissa's
Crow13: Yes? Yeeeeees?
>> Quarters.
Crow13: [disappointed] Oh.
Crow04: \
Crow08: - Her HIND quarters.
Crow09: /
Mike10: Well, if that's the euphemism he wants to use....
Tom04: She had an entire proof set, but he liked the twenty-five cent
pieces best....
>> He liked
>> Marrissa's taste.
Mike04: [to Crow04] Not a word!
Crow08: She tasted like... Oh, it's just too easy. Next sentence.
Mike10: Especially with a light vinaigrette sauce on top....
Mike06: Although he thought that a little sugar would help offset her
inherent bitterness.
Crow09: Sweet and spicy, with just a hint of freshly ground oregano.
>> The soft green drapes hugged the windows,
Crow13: [as drapes] You're the only windows for me, sweetie....
>> benefiting
>> from
Crow08: The poor lighting.
>> the saucer design of the remodeled ship.
Crow04: And a generous grant from our friends at the Velcro corporation.
Tom13: Nothing could benefit from the teacup design, however.
>> Jay noticed the painting
>> of Marrissa, himself, Clara, Alexander, and Shayna coming out of the
>> woods of DOAllen.
Tom10: Dead On Allen?
Tom08: DOA-Huh?
>> "Data's work?" he inquired.
Tom04: [as Marrissa] No, Data works on a starship, silly....
Crow10: [as Marrissa] Yeah. Sad, isn't it?
Mike13: [as Marrissa] No, my datas haven't worked in months.
>> "Yes, he gave it to me as a gift when I left the Enterprise,"
Tom08: In gratitude for leaving.
Tom09: [as Marrissa] And don't think I won't get him for it!!
Crow04: Unfortunately, the hidden antimatter charge was somehow
accidentally defused.
>> Marrissa confirmed offering Jay his favorite drink, root beer.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Yes, Jay, I did indeed offer you a root beer.
>> "I don't think he got Shayna's hair right," Jay remarked,
>> accepting the drink.
All04: Reference! Reference!
Mike06: [as Jay] Why Data thought it would be a good idea to shave off
half of Shayna's hair, I'll never know....
>> "I'll tell him," Marrissa responded.
Crow10: [as Jay] Also, I don't think you're supposed to have five arms,
three legs, and a change purse hanging out of your nose.
>> "He'll undoubtedly endeavor to be more observant," Jay smiled.
Crow04: [as Jay] Huh huh huh, I made a funny....
Crow08: I'd say Data was pretty observant to avoid a cameo in this
fanfic.
Tom13: [as Data] Do you mean to insinuate that my vocal patterns are
somewhat circumlocutious?
Mike13: You do that *too* well.
>> "So how is your case going?"
Mike06: [as Marrissa] My case? Get off of it!
Crow13: [as Marrissa] Well, despite my flimsy defense, I think she'll
walk.
>> "I'm not sure," Marrissa replied.
Tom08: [as Marrissa] We're so off-script at this point, I have no
idea what's going on.
>> "The charge reduction idea
>> worked, but like you said, that was a fairly easy maneuver.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] It's the split-S turn that's going to be more
tricky....
Tom10: Would it be too much trouble to give some explanation why these
proceedings couldn't wait for, say, a qualified judge and
attorneys?
>> Riker's
>> testimony went well, but I'm afraid that there are too many holes in the
>> favorable part of his testimony.
Crow04: Just like any Ratliff plot we could mention.
Crow10: What testimony?
>> I hope Worf missed them."
Tom08: Three guesses?
Crow08: Yep.
Mike08: Uh huh.
Tom13: Considering the shabby way he's been prosecuting so far, I'm sure
he has.
>> "Considering some of the things Worf missed in the past, you
>> have nothing to fear," Jay encouraged.
Mike06: Hyuck! Worf's terrible phaser accuracy is *great* for comic
relief. And just when we needed a break from all the tension,
too!
Mike09: It's all right to demean a Klingon, just as long as you're smart
enough not to do it to his face.
>> "You may be right," Marrissa said,
Crow04: \
Crow08: - [singing] I may be crazy....
Crow10: /
>> not quite sure. "But I still
>> have to get through the closing statements."
Mike08: So do we.
>> "You will, Risa," Jay responded, trying to get a reaction.
Tom08: And deep down, he knew that this was the only way.
Mike06: See? I *told* you he loves punishment.
>> "Jay Alan Gordon,"
Tom09: ...Tiberius Kirk
Mike09: ...Herbert Walker Bush
Crow09: ...Phillip Arthur George
Tom09: ...Cougar Mellencamp
Mike09: ...Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky
Crow09: of Ulm!
>> Marrissa suddenly perked up, "How many times
>> do I have to tell you not to call me that?"
Mike10: I guess politely asking would be a sign of weakness.
>> "Oh, some number around infinity," Jay smiled.
Tom04: [as Jay, giddy] Infinity plus one times a billion plus
a thousand!
>> "So are you
>> willing to hear my suggestions, your highness."
Mike13: [as Marrissa] KNEEL, infidel!
>> "Yes, but drop the titles, sir knight," Marrissa replied,
Mike04: No comment.
Crow10: Titles? Never heard of *that* euphemism before....
>> somewhat peeved after Jay's jabs.
Mike06: That's what you get when you don't keep your gloves up....
Crow10: I want to make a "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" reference,
but it just isn't happening.
>> "Or I'll spend some time giving your
>> little sister some new ways to drive you nuts."
Tom09: A little harsh discipline in the ranks is good now and then.
Tom13: Wet willies and wedgies are always effective.
>> "Please, not Jacquelynn."
Crow13: [as Jay] Anything but Jacquelynn! NOOOOOOOO!
Mike08: So that's her name. I'd blocked it out of my mind.
Tom08: [as announcer] Previously, on "Premier Maquis."
Tom04: I think Ratliff's been watching too many screwball comedies.
>>
>> Once again, the court-martial assembled in Deep Space Nine's
>> Observation Lounge. Commander Sisko rang the bell,
Bots10: [singing] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski....
>> calling the court to
Tom08: Dinner!
Crow13: Tango!
>> order.
Tom13: Order in the court!
Mike13: I'll have a cheeseburger.
>> "Commander Worf, your closing statement please."
Tom13: [as Worf] I am Klingon; therefore, I should win.
Mike08: [as Worf] If there is any justice in this universe, Captain,
the court will acknowledge that nobody has the foggiest idea
what's going on.
>>
>> "Lieutenant Ro Laren is charged with disobeying orders,
>> sabotaging a mission, and defecting," Worf said, beginning to pace in
>> front of the judges. "She deliberately did so, with full knowledge of
>> the consequences of her actions.
Crow10: [as Worf] She knew we'd have to ground her.
>> She has shown a remarkable willingness
>> to explain her actions, but that does not change the fact that she did
Mike10: ...Promise to buy six albums at club prices within the first eight
months.
>> the deeds.
Mike09: And they were done dirt cheap.
>> Ro Laren has shown disregard for orders in the past, which
Mike08: ...was a blatant attempt by the original producers to make her
appealingly roguish.
Tom08: Pretty much.
>> is a matter of her record. She does not protest the events which lead
>> to this trial.
Mike06: Except for the bit where she was taunted by an 11-or-12-year-old
Marrissa clone.
>> As such she should be found guilty."
Tom08: This has to be a Trek first... the voice of reason coming from
Worf's mouth.
Crow10: Wow. A cogent, logically sound argument based on the testimony
admitted into court. He's lost.
Tom13: AND SHE NEVER SUBMITTED A PROPER RESIGNATION, NOR WAS IT PROPERLY
ACCEPTED! SHE SHOULD GO TO THE CHAIR! HANGING'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
BURNING'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Mike13: Take it easy, Tom. Here's a ramchip. [Tom13 chews ramchip with
overemphasized, angry bites.]
>> "Miss Picard, your closing," Sisko prompted after Worf sat down.
Crow10: ...On the whoopie cushion Marrissa had planted there.
Tom13: [as Marrissa] I am the great Marrissa; therefore, *I* should
win.
Crow09: [as Marrissa] Sure, she confessed, but so what? *I* say she's
innocent!
>>
>> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded, standing up to address
>> the judges.
Crow10: Yeah, but did she have to stamp them "postage due"?
>> "It's an interesting situation we have here.
Mike10: She does have a sense of humor.
>> Star Fleet
>> Command wanted Ro to be tried for the events which lead to her
>> resignation.
Tom04: And what's funny is, they *still* lead to her resignation.
Mike04: Your point?
Tom04: Watch your verb tense, Ratliff.
>> Meanwhile outside these doors, reporters await our
>> results,
Tom10: Boy, she does have delusions of grandeur.
Mike10: Actually, with these stories, they're not delusions.
>> questioning what effect this will have on Maquis Independence.
Crow10: Oh yeah. The preface. I remember that.
Crow08: And everyone else will just wanna know what the Sam Scratch is
goin' on!
Crow04: Ah, Marrissa is clearly the 24th Century's answer to Johnny
Cochrane.
Mike13: [as Marrissa] But of course, such wonderful, impartial judges
as *yourselves* won't be swayed by media attention....
>>
>> "In any case, you must judge Ro. It can not be an easy task.
Mike06: Why? *You're* here, aren't you?
Mike08: You'll need to pad out the story excessively. You'll need
help.
Tom10: It shouldn't be that hard to evaluate fifteen minutes of evidence.
>> Star Fleet has always held that if you can't carry out your duties, in
>> good conscience, you should resign.
Mike04: Too bad this doesn't apply to fanfic writers.
>> Ro tried to carry out her duties,
>> and resigned when she could not do so in good conscience.
Mike13: Yeah, well, if she resigned, how come she's been collecting her
pay since then, eh?
>> Ro is now
>> being tried for doing what her conscience told her,
Tom09: A little Bajoran cricket in a top hat and spats told her to wish
upon a star, and betray her commanding officer.
Crow10: Well, the voices in her head, anyway. Maybe it's her conscience.
>> which is an ideal
>> which Star Fleet holds dear. In any case, the facts of the case are as
>> Worf stated them. Ro did commit those deeds.
All13: THEN FRY HER!!
Mike06: Congratulations, Marrissa. You've just sealed the "persecution"'s
case.
Crow10: [as Ro] Uh, is it too late to ask for replacement counsel?
>> "The question is not if, or even why she did so.
Tom04: ...in Ratliff's twisted imagination.
Crow04: [as Marrissa] The question is, why do fools fall in love?
>> She did, and
>> we have heard her reasons, which undoubtedly were the result of much
Crow08: Plot wrangling.
>> soul searching on her part.
Tom10: Or just some story writer who thought it'd be a cool Ro "ending
story."
>> No, the question is, is this the right place
Crow08: ...for a commercial break?
>> to try her.
Mike09: They could do it in Quark's --- free drinks for the judges!
>> She was not a member of Star Fleet at the time. She
>> submitted her resignation,
Tom09: While holding Riker at phaser point....
>> due to orders she could not obey in good
>> conscience. This is in the tradition of Star Fleet. Other officers
>> have done so in the past, they were not tried by Star Fleet.
Tom10: Yes, but only because they were the best doctors working at the
finest darned M*A*S*H unit in the entire Korean theater.
>> In fact
>> many of them later returned to Star Fleet and were welcomed with open
>> arms.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Not that I'm mentioning any names, WORF!
Tom08: [as Worf] D'ohh!
Crow09: "Open arms," like phasers, disruptors....
Tom09: And I bet those other officers probably hadn't just sabotaged a
major intelligence operation.
Tom13: I'm sure none of them invaded a starship and incapacitated her
crew.
Mike13: Aw, that's all just water under the bridge.
Tom04: You know, that last part was actually fairly well-written.
Mike04: [shakes Tom04] Snap out of it!
Crow04: Yeah --- it sounds like a damn Journey song.
Tom04: Sorry.
>> "Gentlemen, remember that tradition while you deliberate,"
>> Marrissa concluded.
Crow10: Oh yeah, that time-honored tradition of unabashed commie
liberalism.
Tom10: [as Marrissa] And don't pay attention to any nagging voices in
your heads that remind you about "precedents in military law
dating back thousands of years"!
>> She returned to her seat and sat down
Crow10: ...on the bat'leth Worf had slipped there.
>> with a sigh
>> of relief.
Mike10: Okay, so, they shouldn't prosecute her for desertion because she
gave them negative three days notice before she resigned, but
she shouldn't be prosecuted for being part of this Maquis
rebellion because she joined it as part of a secret Starfleet
mission that nobody in the court is allowed to hear about,
even though they did?
>> "This court is now in recess," Captain Sisko stated. "We will
>> reassemble when a judgment has been made."
Crow08: [as Sisko] So at this point, we'll fly apart.
>>
>> "Glinn, do you know how to play poker?" It was an innocent
>> question coming from the ship's Chief of Operations, Assist Glinn Duvek.
Tom13: [as Gusat, to himself] That was *too* innocent. I wonder what
he's up to.
Mike10: [as Duvek] I'm hoping I can buy their friendship by losing lots
of our not-money to them.
>> The two had been eating lunch in the ship's mess on deck six above seven
>> slightly starboard.
Mike13: And below five-just-a-hair-aft-of-a-smidgen-port.
>> It was a meal that the two had made a point of
>> having together since they had served together under Gul Ducat.
Crow09: It was just a much, much longer commute back then.
Crow13: You know, that's how Jean-Luc and Beverly's romance began.
Tom13: Ewwwwww!
Tom10: This was one of the "special" moments only appreciated by those
in the first rushes of infatuation.
>> "You mean the human game that Picard and her circle were playing
>> last night," Gusat asked. Duvek nodded.
Mike06: [as Gusat] That circle was for a different game... I believe the
humans call it "jerk"?
>> "I've watched them play a
>> couple of times, and I know the rules, what's good to hold and what's
>> bad, but I've never played it."
Mike13: He said, crossing his fingers, and planning to win a bundle.
Mike10: Of course, neither have any of the people who write Star Trek
poker scenes, but that doesn't stop them.
Mike09: He knows when to hold them.
Crow09: He knows when to fold them.
Mike09: He knows when to walk away.
Crow09: He knows when to run.
Tom09: He doesn't know how to run a "Roaster's", though.
Crow04: Good to hold: a steering wheel... a burrito... a lovely woman.
Bad to hold: a grudge... a plutonium rod... a package stamped
IGNORE TICKING SOUNDS and bearing a Montana return address.
>> "Some of us would like to learn the game well enough to
Mike04: [as Duvek] ...Make a living at it.
>> challenge the Commander's circle," Duvek replied.
Tom13: And from there, the Admiral's parallelogram!
>> "A worthy ambition, if not
Mike06: ...bright.
>> difficult," Gusat commented. "Just
>> who is 'some of us.'"
Mike04: [as Gusat] And is he related to "Lo-cu-tus of Borg"?
Crow10: [as Duvek] Me, Don Adams, author Ron Goulart, and an Emergency
Holographic Sam Donaldson we happened to have available.
Crow13: [as Duvek] You know, the Menendez brothers, the Donner party,
Sonny and Cher....
>> "Myself, Assist Guvek, Assist Dar Ekat, and Dar Dukat," Duvek
>> informed.
Tom09: The Cardassian Rat Pack, ladies and gentlemen.
Tom10: "Informed"?
>> "Good," Gusat replied.
Tom10: ...In response.
>> "You expected a problem?" Duvek asked, judging Gusat's tone from
Mike13: ...The tuning fork he always carried with him.
>> his long friendship.
>> "Frankly, yes," Gusat responded.
Tom10: ...As his reply.
Mike10: Enough, Tom. We get it.
>> "If you had mentioned Assist
>> Dar Davek, I would have suspected an ulterior motive."
Tom13: [as Gusat] He's been eyeing Marrissa kind of funny, if you get my
meaning. Keeps using that strawberry-scented cologne.
>> "You mean the noble Orange Wing Commander who got in a fight
>> with a Star Fleet Engineer last night and is residing in Guvek's brig,"
Mike09: I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Ratliff is a master
of exposition.
Tom08: Figures. Probably the only enjoyable moment in the entire
fanfic, and we hear about it long after it's over.
Mike13: Ah, Ratliff has perfected the literary device of describing all
action scenes as third-party stories.
>> Duvek remarked. "You will have Gavek's recommendation,
Mike09: Wait, is it "Gavek" or "Guvek"?
Tom09: Ah, who gives a crap?!?
>> along with
>> Commander Picard's, on your desk after lunch. It seems that he isn't
>> doing any better as a wing commander than he is at integrating himself
Tom04: ...in spherical coordinates.
>> into a mixed crew."
Mike04: Um, free your mind, or something.
Crow10: [as Duvek] But we find he's really good at taking wood blocks and
making piles out of them, so there's *something* he can do right.
>> "So I can expect a rather poor recommendation on Davek?" Gusat
>> inquired.
Tom13: One star, definitely. The food was cold, the service was surly,
and the cabaret sounded worse than Menudo.
>> "Scathing might be more like it," Duvek responded. Then as
>> Gusat's left eye ridge rose in inquiry, he continued. "Guvek asked me
>> to proofread his report for him."
Mike10: Uh...
Mike08: Oh, I smell a setup.
Mike09: There's a "Davek" and a "Duvek" and a "Gavek" and a "Guvek."
Crow09: Someone needs to give the Cardassians a book of baby names.
>> "Has he found the spell check function yet?" Gusat asked.
Crow08: Must... resist.... Must... be ... strong....
>> "I think so, and the thesaurus as well," Duvek replied.
Mike04: Several comments suggest themselves....
Tom04: I can't help but feel that there's some other meaning to that
conversation.
Crow09: Hey, was that...?
Mike09: Couldn't be!
Tom09: Ya think?!?
Mike09: Let's just file it under "peculiarities" and move along.
Tom13: Hoo boy, that's a hanging curve ball if ever I've seen one...
Crow13: Yeah, I'm just going to refrain, though. Too darned easy....
Tom08: Have to... hold out...
All08: THAT'S MORE THAN RATLIFF COULD DO!
Crow08: Sorry, guys. I just couldn't resist. I had to say it.
Mike08: Same here.
Tom08: I blame myself.
Crow08: So do I.
Tom08: Thanks, Cr... HEEEEY!
Mike10: Ratliff's making fun of us, making fun of him!
Tom10: You know the end of art is at hand when Stephen Ratliff becomes
a deconstructionist.
Mike06: [quickly glancing one direction, then another] Ratliff ...
breaking the fourth wall ... that means he's here ... in the
theater with us ... watching what we do ... what we say....
[With a scream of agony and terror, Mike06 expires.]
[Cambot's update flashes: ]
["It's OK folks, Ratliff's not REALLY up here." ]
[ Replicants remaining: 15 ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 30 ]
[ Fanfic status: 90% complete ]
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
Mike08: He misspelled the same quote twice.
Tom08: But he did it exactly the same way. At least he's getting more
consistent.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis pt 12
>> Date: 19 Nov 1996 15:37:22 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 108
>> Message-ID: <56sk7i$6...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
Crow08: Confused readers try to follow along.
Mike04: Been there.
Tom04: Done that.
Crow04: Hated it.
>>
>> part 12 of 13, serialized weekly
Mike08: Unlucky 13.
>> parts available at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> Comments requested.
All09: You got 'em!
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
Tom08: Clearly, Viacom had first choice.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"?
Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
>>
>> Chapter Eleven
Tom04: Oh Premier Maquis! You Devil!
>>
>> The court room was silent as Captain Benjamin Sisko, Doctor
>> Julian Bashir, and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle filed in the room.
Mike10: The highly successful Starfleet Temp Agency.
Tom04: Then they buffed. After only a few minutes, these gentlemen had
given themselves stunning manicures.
Tom09: Oh-oh, time for another name and rank review.
Tom08: Oh please, Stephen, recount *every* step for us.
>> Lieutenant Commander Worf sat, confident that he had made his case,
>> behind his table.
Mike13: Worf lives in his own little world and is cared for by the
loving people of Ward 3.
Crow10: [as Worf] Like my case? Just made it! Here, let me get it out
from behind the table....
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat at the
>> defendant's table, not at all confident, in fact she was going through
>> all the flaws in her
Crow09: ...character.
>> conduct of the case,
Crow08: She did this mainly to blot out all the flaws in the plot.
>> real and imagined in her mind.
Mike08: As opposed to imagined in her spleen.
Tom10: [as Marrissa] Maybe it wasn't a good idea to admit that Ro was
guilty as charged.
Mike04: [as Marrissa] Flaw number one --- I've been working at it for
years, and my Kobayashi Maru time is still under six hours.
Crow04: What's that have to do with the case?
Mike04: Nothing. It's just one of those things Marrissa thinks about at
inappropriate moments.
Tom13: But, as Marrissa is the author's idol, we can rest assured that
any flaws will be completely overlooked.
>> Meanwhile the defendant sat passive, accepting her fate, what ever it
>> might be.
Mike13: [as Ro] Release me or fry me, it doesn't matter.
Tom08: *Anything* to wrap this up.
Mike08: I know how she feels.
Tom04: And the audience sat, sleeping soundly.
>> "We find the defendant not guilty," Captain Benjamin Sisko
>> pronounced,
Crow08: We find ourselves UNSURPRISED.
>> to the astonishment of both counsels.
Tom09: ...and absolutely NONE of the readers.
>> Worf barely
>> restrained himself from using a Klingon cuss word.
Tom09: Shampoo!
Crow09: Band-Aid!
Mike09: Tribble-Boy!
Mike08: [chuckling]
Tom08: [hillbilly accent] Them ornery Klingons. Never can tell when
they're gonna let loose with a string o' them Klingon cuss words.
Heh heh.
Tom13: The author couldn't even come up with a decent foreign-sounding
curse.
Crow13: Yeah, what a blaknoor.
Mike04: Oh, it was just a long string of consonants and apostrophes; no
one would've understood it anyway.
Crow04: [Klingon voice] K'v'Qq'j!
Mike04: That was pretty good! What does that translate to?
Crow04: "flaming door hinge."
>> Marrissa was over
>> joyed at her success, in fact
Tom10: She expected to be promoted to full partner at Travis and Tee
attorneys-at-law for this.
>> she was at a loss of words.
Mike09: Yeah, but good things like that can't last.
All08: [cheering at random] Yeaaahhh! WOOO! All RIGHT!
Crow08: This is the best Ratliff story EVER!
Tom08: Which still puts it a half-step short of attaining the glory
that was "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman."
Tom04: I'm so stunned I can't enjoy Marrissa's speechlessness.
Crow04: I've got a sour taste in my mouth I know I won't be able to get
rid of.
>> "We believe
Mike08: [as Sisko] In sugar plum fairies.
Mike10: [as Sisko] That if we ruled against Marrissa, her agents would
have killed us.
>> that her actions were guided by her conscience, which as Commander
>> Picard has pointed out is the best that Star Fleet expects.
Tom09: [as Sisko] We did as you commanded, your dread majesty --- now
will you release our families?
Crow10: So in Starfleet, they maintain, "Complete your mission, or at least
give it a really good try, okay?"
>> Furthermore, we find that the mission she was sent on
Crow04: [as Sisko] Let her dress in cool civilian clothes instead of
these Starfleet pajamas....
>> was ill
>> advised and should have been stopped before it started.
Tom10: [as Sisko] Not that we actually know a thing about the mission,
which was so classified we couldn't hear about it....
Tom08: I think some fanfic writer out there was a little too impressed
with the Johnnie Cochran patented "blame the authorities"
defense.
>> As such we
>> believe that an acquittal is the only course we could have arrived at.
Tom09: It wasn't the only one you *could* have arrived at.
Mike09: Now it's going to be discussed to death in soc.history.what-if.
Crow09: ...where it'll eventually turn into a thread about Norway, the
Civil War, or Patton invading Russia.
>> Court is adjourned"
Crow04: [as Will Smith] I think the judges drank their lunch.
Mike10: [as Sisko] Commander Worf, as a matter of decency, we're
returning your bribe... Commander Picard, of course, we'll be
keeping yours.
Mike08: [as Graham Chapman] CUP! Not guil-cup! You have been found not
guil-cup by this court, and you may leave a free woman.
Tom08: But don't forget, Ro, first you have to talk with Doug Llewelyn,
and then we have some nice law enforcement officials from the
Federation who would like to have a word with you....
Tom13: HELLO! She attacked a Federation vessel! She put *lots* of
people's lives in danger!
Crow13: That's OK, they'll get her in the civil trial.
>>
>> Marrissa Picard and Ro Laren exited the courtroom together,
>> heading to the Promenade.
All10: [singing the wedding processional] Dah dah de da de da da dun
da de dee da de daaa dun....
>> The judgment of the court was just being
>> realized by Ro. "Commander, I believe I owe you dinner," Ro remarked.
Tom04: [as Ro] Do you like Hasperrat?
Mike08: [as Ro, in monotone] Oh, the joy. The emotion. The thrill of
sweet, sweet freedom.
Crow10: [as Ro] ...But do I really have to be your slave for three weeks
after that?
Tom09: [as Marrissa] ...Your immortal soul, too. But first, lamb chops!
Tom13: [as Ro] You saved me from jail, and the best I can do is give you
a meal that Starfleet would have provided anyway.
>> "That's not necessary, Ro," Marrissa responded.
Mike04: [as Marrissa] The person you should really thank is Worf!
>> "I was just
>> doing my job and most of my plans came from
Crow10: ...the pit of Hades.
>> Jay anyway."
Tom08: Oh, you are NOT gonna make me believe that Jay somehow wears
the pants in this twisted relationship.
Tom09: [as Marrissa] In fact, he dressed up as me and argued the whole
case in court for me, because this whole court-martial thing is
just beneath me anyway....
>> "Commander, plans can go wrong very quickly if you don't know
>> how to execute them and can't make up for holes in them," Ro replied.
Mike04: So can a fanfic story.
Mike13: Oh, yeah, she really made up for those gaping holes in her plans.
Yep.
Tom13: Sheesh... she didn't do anything, and Ro is acting like she dodged
flying bullets.
>> "Which you knew how to,
Tom10: Yeah, like when Worf pulled that surprise "No further questions"
ploy. Or when he said "We rest our case."
>> so I do owe you."
>> From behind them, Odo's voice came, "One minute if you will,
>> Miss Ro."
Tom13: They looked around, but there was nothing behind them, save for
one comfy couch that hadn't been there a minute ago.
Mike09: [singing] Heard you call my name. Miss Ro, what's your claim to
fame?
>> "Certainly Constable," Ro responded. "What can I do for you?"
>> "Get off my station as soon as possible," Odo remarked gruffly.
All08: [Cheers]
Tom13: Wait! What about arresting her for civilian crimes and stuff?!?
Mike10: [as Ro] Hey, anyone ever tell you you sound just like Desaad
from Superfriends? And Rhoda and Joe's marriage counselor on
"Rhoda"? And that colonel from "Star Trek VI"? And....
>> "I'll be booking a passage to Bajor after dinner,
Crow10: After Dinner Theater is producing "A Passage to Bajor"?
Tom10: Ooh, Edward Albee wrote that.
>> Constable," Ro
>> responded. "You really should improve your menu in the brig. Its
>> almost cruel and unusual punishment."
Crow09: Not as bad as being forced to appear in both "Kalifornia" and
"Escape from L.A.", but close.
Tom13: Yeah, the gruel didn't have lumps in it.
Crow13: And the swill was handed to me with no dead insects floating in it.
Mike13: You two are disgusting.
>> "Talk to Quark, he has the contract," Odo said, turning around
>> to leave.
>> "What are you planning to do on Bajor?" Marrissa asked.
Mike10: [falsetto] Stuff. You?
Tom08: [as Ro] Plan how to steal my next Starfleet vessel.
Crow13: [as Ro] Blow up a few buildings, take out a bunch of innocent
civilians... it'll be just like old times!
>> "There is an old opponent of mine who is rather high in the
>> religious orders,"
Tom04: Pat Robertson?
>> Ro responded. "I though I'd stop by and annoy her."
Mike08: Well, THAT should be easy.
Mike09: She's been taking lessons from Marrissa.
Mike13: More of that wacky Bajoran humour....
>> Behind them a thump was heard. Ro and Marrissa wheeled around.
Tom09: Marrissa pops the clutch and tells the universe to eat her dust!
All13: [make noises like heavy equipment rolling on squeaky casters.]
>> Odo was
>> lying on the floor, unconscience.
Mike04: Meaning, he could kill without remorse if he was awake.
Tom04: The Wrath of Unconscience!
Crow08: Well, who KNEW he didn't have a conscience?
Tom08: 7-Up... The UnConscience.
Mike09: Oh, he's a touch unfeeling at times, but I'm sure he has a
conscience.
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
All04: \
All08: \
All09: - [Cheering, whistling, noisemakers, etc.]
All10: /
All13: /
Mike08: I'm glad I was there to see that.
Crow08: That's a moment I can relive forever.
Mike09: This is the highlight of the story so far!
Crow09: Almost makes everything else worth it!
All04: [singing] Ding, dong, the witch is dead...!
>> Ro turned to the attacker and inquired,
Crow10: [as Ro] Are those Bugle Boy phasers you're using?
>> "Why did you do that?
>> I've been acquitted."
All13: D-OHH!
Mike10: [as attacker] We know. We just wanted to make sure there were
new charges you could be tried on.
>> "Sorry sir," the gruff Maquis responded.
Mike08: The Three Billy Goats Maquis...?
Crow08: The new bedtime story --- from PocketBooks.
Tom08: Sometimes the "Trek" franchise really goes overboard with these
tie-ins.
All04: [singing] ...sing it high, sing it low....
>> "Oh well, I assume an escape has been arranged?" Ro asked.
>> "This way."
Crow13: [as gruff Maquis] Sure, fine, don't say "Hi." I go to all this
trouble for you, but do you appreciate it? NoooOOOOOooooo....
Tom08: So *what*, pray tell, was the bloody point of ALL THOSE TRIAL
SCENES?!?!?
Mike08: Just calm down... we're almost to the end.
Tom08: [Breathing in long, ragged breaths.]
All04: [still singing and dancing] ...ding dong, the wicked witch
is dead...!
>>
>> A hour later, Marrissa woke up
All04: [stop singing and dancing] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
[they start shaking and smoking]
>> in the infirmary with a headache.
Crow08: A headache that would serve her well in later life.
Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, man, what'd I get a hold of last night?
Mike10: [as Marrissa] Wow. What was in that strawberry juice? Oh, hi
there!
Mike13: The headache, realizing whose head it had inhabited, made a quick
retreat.
[And, as expected, Mike04, Tom04, and Crow04 go rigid, topple over,
and stop moving, aside from the occasional spark.]
[Cambot's update reads ]
[ Fanfic status: bottom of the 12th ]
[ 33 replicants destroyed ]
[ 12 replicants left on base ]
[ with just over one inning left to play. ]
>> "What happened?" she asked, her hand going to her head.
Tom10: And not knowing that a playful medical technician had wrapped her
hand in quick-drying concrete, she promptly knocked herself out
for two more weeks.
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
Mike08: I don't blame them.
Crow10: [as Bashir] We have a suspect. Do you know a "Screwy
Squirrel"?
All09: [singing] ...And let the anvils ring!
>> "Remind me to tell Odo that I'm not happy with his security,"
>> Marrissa remarked, sitting up.
>> "I'm not happy with it either," Odo responded from a nearby bed.
All13: D-OHH!
Tom10: Do you suppose they have to put rubber sheets on a shapeshifter's
bed?
>> "Doctor, can I leave now?"
Crow09: [as Odo] I have a meeting with the Governor and Benson in
10 minutes.
>> "You both may go, but try not to get hurt again," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
Mike10: [as Bashir] So no more of this getting caught in ambushes.
Crow08: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] But I ENJOY getting hurt!
Tom13: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] Oh, *thanks*, doctor. I usually go
out of my way to get injured.
Tom09: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] Gee, thanks for the advice, doc! I
was just about to go set myself on fire until you set me straight.
>> "Doctor, I'm in the Command Branch," Marrissa responded. "We're
>> supposed to get hurt.
Tom10: Command branch is supposed to get hurt, Security is supposed to get
killed... Sciences is supposed to get spayed or neutered. Remember
that, kids.
>> That way we can disregard the Doctor's orders and
>> pull off some feat
Mike10: Like going shopping.
>> while the CMO is trying to get us to return to
>> Sickbay."
>> "That explains a lot," Doctor Bashir stated.
Mike09: Actually... no, it doesn't.
>> "Oh, Lieutenant
>> Jay Gordon was here. He said
Crow10: [as Bashir] He was resigning, going back to Earth to play pinball
and eat fast food all day, and he didn't want you stalking him
anymore.
>> that he would like to see you as soon as
>> you can."
Crow13: Nudge, nudge, know what I mean!
Tom08: [as Marrissa] Tell him I'm washing my hair.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis 13/13
All08: Finally!
>> Date: 26 Nov 1996 14:34:07 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 97
>> Message-ID: <57ev4v$4...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
Mike09: In Australia, maybe, but not here.
Crow10: After Springy, but before Fally and Wintery.
Tom08: Get thee to a summery.
Crow08: A summery? Isn't that where mathematicians work?
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
Crow08: [as Linda Richman from Coffee Talk] No big whoop.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
Mike09: Is this really necessary? I mean, would any of Ratliff's stories
ever be mistaken for fact?
Crow09: By Ratliff, maybe.
Mike09: And there you go. My point exactly.
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"?
Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
>>
>> Epilogue
Crow10: Ipecac.
All09: [cheering] It's almost over.
Tom13: Finally!
Mike13: This story had more epilogue than plot!
Crow13: There was a plot in there?
>>
>> "So Jay, what's up?" Marrissa asked, as they finished their
>> dinner on the station's Promenade's Replimat.
Mike10: So, they had to talk as soon as possible, but let the whole
dinner go by without a word?
>> "Let's see, we've lost three of the four Intrepids in the DMZ,
Tom10: Again.
Mike09: Beats losing it in a giant space amoeba.
>> two of Deep Space Nine's three runabouts,
Tom10: Again.
>> and several other merchant
>> ships are now Maquis," Jay recited.
Tom10: Yet again.
Mike10: When is Starfleet going to start using "The Club" on their
starships?
Tom09: [as Jay] And every time we capture some Maquis pirates and put
them on trial, they invoke the Federation's "I really really
REALLY wanted to do it" defense and get off scot free!
Tom08: PLEASE tell me that they aren't going after any of these stolen
ships just now.
Mike08: No, he'll probably slap together a whole new story for that.
Tom08: NO! Noohohohoho... [trailing off, sobbing]
Crow08: Or a new story for *each* ship.
Tom08: NO! Make him stop, Mike!
Tom13: More exciting Ratliff action!
Mike13: What would a Ratliff action figure look like? An empty box with
a description of what the figure had done?
>> "Has Congress or Star Fleet decided what to do about the Maquis
>> Declaration of Independence?" Marrissa asked.
Mike09: Besides sue the Maquis for plagiarism?
Crow10: [as Jay] They think it may be a job for SuperChicken.
Tom13: [as Jay] They agree with the readers: Burn it!
>> "I've been too busy with
>> Ro's trail to keep up."
Mike08: Boy, she's going after that fee of "one dinner" with a venegence.
Mike10: Once again, proof that spellcheck is totally useless to Ratliff.
Did he mean "trial" or "trail"? Legitimately, it could be either
one.
Tom10: Is that the first time anyone has ever referred to an element of a
Ratliff story as "legitimate?"
Mike10: Quite possibly.
>> "Congress is still debating," Jay responded.
Mike10: [as Jay] But already they've decided they should get a pay raise.
Crow13: CONGRESS?!?! Ummmm... Starfleet is just one big America to Ratliff,
isn't it?
Mike13: Let's just say he doesn't get out much.
Crow08: [as Marrissa] <sigh> I guess I'll just have to go lobbying
Congress *again* to get what I want....
>> "Star Fleet has
>> altered our patrol routes to the outside of the DMZ. Cardassian Central
>> Command is doing likewise."
Tom10: So, Operation "Occasional Afterthought" is proceeding nicely.
Crow08: In other words, all the governments involved just instantly reversed
years of policy and respected the "Declaration," because it sounded
so cool...?
Mike08: Politics in the Ratliverse never ceases to amaze me.
>> "Sensible, but I'm sure you didn't invite me to dinner to
>> discuss politics," Marrissa stated.
Tom13: [as Jay] No, I'm hoping you'll put in a good word to Ratliff for
me so *I* can do the dippy and illogical things, and get promoted
for it.
>> "No, to be honest,
Mike10: [as Jay] I just figured it somehow sort of resolved some plot
threads.
>> it's boring on the Independence," Jay
>> remarked.
Mike08: It's boring everywhere in this story.
Tom09: Independence Jay --- IJ4
Mike09: [as Jeff Goldblum] Time's up!
Tom13: You mean being in command *isn't* all fun and games? Wow,
somebody should go tell Kerstin.
>> "As Chief of Operations, I'm now senior staff and
Mike10: ...My voice keeps cracking.
>> their
>> aren't very many people who aren't nervous around me. And those that
>> aren't won't associate with me due to my age."
Crow09: [as Jay] Except Chief Medical Officer Doogie Howser.
Mike08: [as Jay] <sniff> They never invite me to the Saturday night
keggers.
Crow13: Can't imagine why they'd be resentful of the only commanding
officer with a CURFEW!!
>> "I know the feeling," Marrissa consoled. "At least you're a
>> little older than I was when I became Chief of Security on the
>> Enterprise."
Mike08: I'm confused. Was that before or after she started eating
solid food?
Tom09: As disturbing as it is that they've all risen swiftly through the
ranks at an when age most people are traumatized by errant facial
blemishes, it's even more disturbing that they seem to be surprised
there may actually be some people who might have a reservation or
three about the whole deal.
>> "You at least had the support of your kid's crew and some good
>> friends," Jay maintained. "My first officer hasn't said any more than
>> 'yes sir, no sir' since I got promoted."
Tom08: Kinda goes with the job, ya little whiner.
Tom13: You should hear what he says when you're *not* around. By the way,
do you *really* do that to Antarean Sludgebeasts? Is that even
physically possible?
>> "You do have a problem," Marrissa observed. "Well you know
>> where Clara and I are, if you feel the need to talk to some one.
Mike13: Most people would throw themselves into a vacuum without a
pressure suit before they got *that* desperate for company....
>> Meanwhile, I can get used to a handsome young man taking me out to dinner
Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...As soon as we can find one.
>> when we're both in port." Jay blushed. "By the way, you said you were
>> going to the Academy in six months. How? After all you have to be 16
>> to be a Cadet."
Tom09: Oh, like that's ever stopped them before.
Mike08: But you can be Lieutenant Commander at 10!
Crow13: WARNING: Very dumb logic imminent. Brain cell meltdown in
five seconds.
>> "Technically, Clara, Alex, and I won't be Cadets," Jay
>> responded.
Crow08: [as Jay] They call us "Throwaways."
Mike10: [as Jay] We'll be "targets."
Crow13: ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...
>> "We are officers going back for additional training."
Tom08: Yeah, they've pretty much thrown the regs to the wind back at
Starfleet.
Crow09: Yeah, that'll make 'em really popular with both the *real*
ship's crew AND the cadet weenies.
[Crow13 and Tom13 shut down. Mike13 slumps over, with some grey sludge
oozing out his ears.]
>> "When did Alex get his Ensign's rank?" Marrissa asked.
Mike08: [as Jay] Found it in a box of Cracker Jacks.
Mike09: [as Jay] He was the Grand Prize Winner in the Cheerios Official
Be On "Star Trek: The Next Generation" contest.
[Cambot starts to flash a status update, but Mike13, Tom13, and Crow13
get up again!]
Mike13: We were just funning. Nobody *really* had a brain meltdown.
Don't try this at home, kids. [Starts cleaning himself up.]
Tom13: What was that gray stuff, anyway?
Mike13: Crow says he found it in a Silly Putty jar. Aw, man, I'm *never*
going to get this out of my hair.
Crow13: Be careful, Mike, you're getting it all over us, too!
>> "You didn't hear?" Jay remarked. "Star Fleet Diplomatic gave
>> him it after he stepped in at Higanus XXII."
Crow08: He reeeeally must have stepped in it.
Crow13: He locked everyone up in a room and threatened them with violence.
Mike13: Um, I think that *is* how Klingons negotiate.
Mike10: [as Jay] After Naklab, Starfleet Diplomatic *always* sends
children to negotiate treaties.
Mike09: If I were a hig, I'd be really offended by that.
Crow09: Maybe it's one of Stephen's little word games --- y'know,
something like the fact that "higanus" is an acronym for
"anguish."
Tom09: Or "As in 'ugh'!"
>> "The Klingon planet in Federation space that had a brief civil
>> war?" Marrissa asked.
Crow09: [as Jay] No, the OTHER Higanus XXII.
Tom10: [as Jay] Yeah, they were killing each other over the age-old
"boxers or briefs" question.
Mike13: You're with the Exposition Channel!
Tom08: Now he's giving us plot summaries of stories he hasn't written yet.
This is worse than another introduction sequence!
Crow08: Clara and the Warbird... Kids Crew at the Academy... Alex at
Higanus XXII.... One more like that will finish us off, Mike.
>> "Yeah, the Federation sent a mediator with Worf as an advisor,"
>> Jay confirmed.
Mike10: But after Worf advised applying Quisp to the war-torn regions,
Worf was quietly "promoted" to organizing back issues of
"National Geographic."
>> "Alex came along with his father.
Crow08: Apparently, Worf has trouble finding reliable babysitters.
>> After a bomb killed
>> the mediator and injured Worf he took over and got them to stop."
Crow09: With the mediator dead, we still have a staff of highly trained
diplomatic personnel, but that's not good enough --- we need
a teenager!
Tom10: He got both sides to build on their mutual agreement that
"Go-Bots" were incredibly lame.
Crow13: Sooooo... Worf went from lawyer to diplomat, and then got
conveniently incapacitated so that yet another kid could step in
and perform a miracle?
Mike13: That's about the size of it.
>> "This has to be ironic,"
Tom09: [as Alanis Morrissette] ...Don't you think?
>> Marrissa remarked. "The kid from a
>> warrior race gets his rank by
Mike10: ...Being a major character in a sequence of the same author's
stories.
>> ending a war, while us humans get it by
>> going into battle."
Crow09: Yep, that's how us got ours!
Tom13: Oh, the irony! And some kids even have a childhood and have to
*earn* their status in life!
>> "Hey, you knew he wasn't going to get it the way we did," Jay
>> responded. "After all we all got tired of hearing that 'I don't want to
>> be a warrior' refrain."
Crow09: [as Marrissa] And the song was 31 verses long to boot. Ugh!
Tom10: [as Marrissa] Especially when he sang it right in the middle of
"Michael Row The Boat Ashore."
Crow13: [whiney] I don't want to be a warrior.
Tom13: Shut up.
Crow13: I don't want to be a warrior.
Tom13: SHUT UP!
Crow13: I don't want to be a warrior.
Tom13: AAAARRRRGGGHH! [starts fighting with Crow13. Mike13 pulls
them apart.]
Mike13: Is it nap time?
Tom08: ...Not half as tired as we are of reading this drivel.
Crow08: *Pleeeeeeeease* make him stop!!
>> "True, and he doesn't have the Engineering talent to follow
>> Clara," Marrissa remarked. "Did you hear that Shayna just got her
>> rank?"
Mike08: Not *another* plot summary! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
[Sparks, smoke, and the usual mayhem. Mike08, Crow08, and Tom08
collapse ... just short of that metaphorical goal line.]
>> "How did she manage that?" Jay asked.
Mike09: [as Jay] How many people had to die to make way for *her*
opportunity to rise through the ranks?
Tom10: Starfleet gave up pretending to have standards.
>> "She was the one I
>> thought was going to have to go through the Academy."
Crow09: No, no, you're thinking by the rules again.
Mike13: Oh, right, like *one* kid was going to have a career the *right*
way. Fat chance.
[Cambot's update flashes on screen: ]
["So close, and yet so far...." ]
[ Replicants remaining: 9 ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 36 ]
[ Fanfic status: 99% complete ]
>> "Sorry, you lost that bet.
Crow10: [as Marrissa] You have shown yourself to be fallible. Therefore
I shall be executing you once you pay the bill.
>> She followed Clara's footsteps,"
Mike13: Straight out the airlock.
Tom13: Sad, really.
>> Marrissa responded. "She seems to be specializing in weaponry and
>> shields. Her latest is in this month Daystrom Journal.
Tom10: ...Under the "Wacky Math" column.
>> 'Mechanics of
>> Shield Regeneration: A New Approach.'
Mike09: The shields used to look like Jon Pertwee; then they took a few
torpedo hits and, next thing anyone knows, they look like Tom Baker.
>> I don't understand a word of it."
Crow10: Ratliff must have written it.
Tom09: [as Marrissa] So I'll just torture her until she confesses to
heresy!
Crow13: Sheesh. Even *Wesley* wasn't *this* obnoxious.
>> "I told you that Clara and Shayna spend too much time together,"
>> Jay replied.
>>
>> Here ends Premier Maquis.
All10: YAAAAAAY!!!
Crow10: Boy, what a relief.
Crow13: Here endeth the lesson.
Mike13: Here be dragons.
Crow13: Well, it dragged at least.
Tom13: Here lies the last remaining hope that this story will somehow
manage to live up to something better than the expectations that
the words "Author: Stephen Ratliff" automatically conjure up.
Crow09: Did we ever figure out exactly who --- or even *what* --- the
"Premier Maquis" was supposed to be?
Tom09: Eddington?
Crow09: Ro?
Tom09: The uncooperative Admiral Whosis?
Crow09: The unseen Admiral Whatsis?
Tom09: Gusat?
Crow09: Gesundheit!
Mike09: Nonono, it's really Marrissa --- she's playing both ends against
the middle to consolidate her hold on power.
Mike10: We made it, guys! WE MADE IT!
Bots10: [chanting joyfully] No more Ratliff! No more Ratliff!
No more Ratliff! No more Ratliff...!
>> Next Stargazer Mission: Stargazer, Past and Present.
Tom10: NOOOOOOOOO! [head explodes]
Crow09: Aw, if there's another time travel story coming up I'll... I'll
be indignant, that's what I'll be.
Tom13: Past!
Crow13: Present!
Mike13: It can be all those things and more.
>> Next Marrissa Story: Falling Into Command
Mike10: ARRRRRRRGH! [jumps to his feet, clutches his chest, and
sags to the floor]
Crow09: Preferably, falling from the top of a nine-story building!
>> Next Revised Story: A Royal Wedding
Crow10: AUUUUUUUUUGGGGH! [collapses onto Mike10 and explodes]
Tom09: Is this what they used to mean by "Triple Threat" back on
Earth, Mike?
Mike09: Sort of.
Crow13: In the revised story, instead of Marrissa being the Princess of
Essex, she's going to be transformed into a crazed fossa-like
creature from Relthonzal VII and used as a cuddly yet annoying
character for children's television programs.
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
Tom09: Let's go!
Tom13: Let's go!
[Mike09 stands up and picks up Tom09.]
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
Crow13: I can't move!
Mike13: Hey, this is serious, guys. I can't move, either!
Tom13: I don't know what that gray stuff was, but it wasn't Silly Putty.
It's eating away all my circuitry!
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
[Crow13 and Tom13 struggle a little more, then start smoking and sparking.]
>>
>> "I won't sacrifice this ship and crew based on a ten-second conversation.
>> I need proof!" - Janeway ST:Voyager "Future's End" part 1.
>>
Mike13: [confused] When did she start doing that?
[And with that, Mike13 slumps over, unmoving, beside Tom13 and Crow13.]
Mike09: [as Janeway] It has to be at least *twelve* seconds, mister!
Tom09: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PROOF!!!
Mike09: I can handle getting out of here, how about you guys?
Crow09: Of coarse.
Tom09: Let's move twoards the exit.
Crow09: Otherwise, we might be destoryed.
Tom09: Congraduations on surviving!
Mike09: Oh, stop that.
[Tom09 and Crow09 giggle as they leave with Mike09.]
[As Cambot starts back down the hallway, we see the theater filled with ]
[the corpses of replicants. Truly, a sight of great carnage and ]
[destruction. As the first door begins to close, Cambot flashes on ]
[screen: ]
[ Final tally: ]
[ Fanfic status: Finished ]
[ Replicants "destoryed": 42 ]
[ Replicant survivors: 3 ]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[The replicant Mike (in an orange jumpsuit), Crow and Tom Servo are
standing at the desk, celebrating.]
MIKE: Ha ha! We did it! We survived the entire fanfic!
CROW: Yeah. Now Doctor Forrester can use our personality matrix
construction variable thingadoohickeymabobs to build an army of
replicants and take over the world.
TOM: Say, where do you suppose the *real* Nelson, Servo, and Crow are?
Now that we've shown we can successfully replace them, aren't we
supposed to kidnap them or kill them or something?
MIKE: I dunno. Dr. F's instructions weren't real clear about that.
[GYPSY moves on camera to her usual spot.]
GYPSY: Hello, evil replicants.
MIKE: Hi, Gypsy.
TOM: Hey Gypsy, have you seen Crow, Servo and the human around here?
CROW: Ah, they're probably off hiding or sulking somewhere. They're
just sore losers.
GYPSY: Oh, that's not true. In fact, they're getting ready to throw you
a going-back-to-earth party, and they've got a present for you.
MIKE: Really?! [Mike looks down behind the desk.] Sure enough, guys,
here it is.
[Mike reaches down and grabs a brightly wrapped package; it is about the
size and shape of a framed poster. A greeting card is taped to it.
Mike opens the card.]
MIKE: [reading] "To our favorite replicants: Congratulations, and best
wishes on your plans for world domination."
CROW: Ahhhh. Isn't that sweet?
TOM: Quick! What is it? Open it up! Open it up!
[Mike holds the flat side of the package up so that Cambot can see it
and rips the wrapping off the front. Inside is the picture which the
real Mike used in his song "All Marrissa Wants." It depicts Marrissa
Picard holding a scepter while wearing royal robes and a crown.
Surrounding her is a group of beings from many races. There are
representatives from the Federation, the Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian
Empires, the Borg, and many others. They are all bowing to the floor in
front of Marrissa and they all have signs attached to their backs that
read: "We were beaten by a bunch of kids."]
[The replicant Mike, Tom and Crow start convulsing at the sight.
Sparks and smoke pour out of their heads. After a few seconds, they
collapse, out of sight, behind the desk.]
[After one or two final clunks, Mike (in the green jumpsuit), Tom Servo
and Crow come on camera from stage left and take up their usual spots.]
MIKE: Great job, Gypsy!
GYPSY: [looking down behind the desk] What a mess.
TOM: And there's a whole theater full of them to clean up, too.
MIKE: Never mind that right now. Let's celebrate! We destroyed the
last of the evil replicants!
CROW: Take *that*, Dr. F!
TOM: Yep. When push came to shove, those vile creations of a mad
scientist just couldn't take the heat. In this rough-and-tumble world
of high stress and killer fanfics, there's just no replacement for the
real thing... [Tom's head twitches] real thing... [Tom's head
twitches again] real thing... [twitch] real thing... [twitch]
real thing....
[Smoke fills Tom's bubble. He continues to twitch and say "real thing"
over and over.]
MIKE: Oh no! The real Tom Servo must have been switched. We've got to
find him!
CROW: Right! [starts moving off camera]
TOM: [stops twitching] GOTCHA!
MIKE: What?
CROW: Ahh ... *man*!
TOM: I really had you two going there. Heh heh.
MIKE: Tom, that was a very nasty prank. But seeing as how we just saved
the Earth and everything ... ROOT BEER FLOATS FOR EVERYONE!!
CROW: Woo hoo!!
GYPSY: Yay!!!
[Confetti and streamers fall. Festive music resounds. Mike blows a
noisemaker. Amidst the dancing, Mike taps the flashing Mad's light.]
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester, arms folded, is leering into the monitor.]
Dr. F: Celebrate while you can, Nelson. This is only a temporary
setback. I can always make more replicants, and we'll just keep
trying and trying until we get this right.
[Pearl Forrester walks up behind Clayton. She is dressed in combat
fatigues and carrying various weapons.]
PEARL: So, Clayton, you failed again, didn't you?
Dr. F: No, mother, I did not fail. I only have to make a few changes
and....
PEARL: Shut up, Clayton. [Pearl draws a pistol and points it at
Clayton.]
Dr. F: [puts his hands up] AAAaaahhh!! Mother, have you been seing those
militia men again?
[SOL]
GYPSY: Hey guys, check out the monitor!
[The guys stop dancing and look at the Deep 13 monitor.]
[Deep 13]
[Clayton is slowly backing away from Pearl, who is still pointing the
pistol at him. Her back is now turned to the camera. Then,
another Pearl Forrester walks up to Clayton. She is dressed as a
1950's-TV-style housewife and is holding a white feather duster.]
SECOND PEARL: Actually no, Clayton, thanks for asking. I've just decided
to get rid of you once and for all.
Dr. F: [noticing the second Pearl] Mother?!?
[SOL]
ALL: [looking into the monitor] HUH?
[Deep 13]
[Now both Pearls have their backs to the camera. Clayton is still
slowly backing up. A third Pearl Forrester comes up behind him and
grabs him. This one is dressed in a business suit.]
PEARL: What's the matter, son, don't you recognize me? [All three
Pearls treat us to evil laughter appropriate for your finest
villains.]
Dr. F: [now suitably terrified] THREE of you? You're ... you're
REPLICANTS? But, but how...? When...? Who...?
PEARL: "Who?" You want to know who defeated you so brilliantly at your
own game? Maybe this will jog your memory....
[Pearl continues to speak, but now the voice that comes out of her
sounds like a whiny, bratty kid.]
PEARL: "No, Clayton! Please don't take my milk money. Please don't
beat me up. Pleeeeeeeease!"
[Clayton stops as he recognizes the voice.]
Dr. F: Timmy? Timmy Toadstool?
PEARL: [still using Timmy's voice] That's TOLSTOY!!! Timothy Tolstoy!
For years you bullied me, calling me names and making my life
miserable. I became a mad scientist just like you, to prove I was
better than you. And now I have my revenge!
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots stare into the monitor.]
MIKE: This is getting *way* too weird for me.
[Deep 13]
[All three Pearls now have their backs to the camera as they face
Clayton. Pearl #1 still has her pistol trained on Clayton.]
PEARL #3: [as Timmy] So you wanted to make replicants, did you Clayton?
Well, *I* beat you to it. These are *my* creations. And now
that they've passed my little test, I can make an army of them
and take over the world! But first, Clayton Forrester, I want
you to know who defeated you. I want you to know which one of
us really is better.
[Pearl #1 points her pistol at Clayton's head. The others move towards
him menacingly.]
Dr. F: No ... NO ... WAIT!
[As Clayton steps backward to avoid their grasp, he stumbles and falls.
Standing behind him is ... Pearl Forrester. She looks very disheveled,
but she is grinning like a maniac and --- most importantly --- she is
aiming a high-powered rifle at the replicants. She blasts replicant #1,
who drops the pistol and stumbles backwards a few steps.]
PEARL: Timmy, you just made the wrong enemy.
[Pearl spins the rifle around, cocking it a la "The Rifleman." She
blasts the second replicant, and then the third. She continues
advancing, firing a dozen shots until all of the replicants have
collapsed to the floor.]
[SOL]
[All stare silently, open-mouthed, at the monitor.]
[Deep 13]
[Clayton slowly stands and walks over to Pearl. Pearl stands near the
control panel once again. She is looking down, pointing her rifle at
the replicants lying on the ground.]
PEARL: Here's a message for you, Timmy Toadstool. Your replicants did a
lousy job of kidnapping me. And your life is only *starting* to
get miserable.
[Pearl gives the replicants one final blast, then sets the rifle down.]
Dr. F: Mommy, you saved me!
PEARL: Come over here and give your mother a hug.
[Clayton hugs Pearl and lays his head down on her shoulder. Pearl wraps
one arm around his shoulder and pats him comfortingly.]
Dr. F: Oh, Mommy. Those mean old replicants *frightened* me!
PEARL: There, there, it's all right, Clayton.
Dr. F: You'll protect me? [Clayton begins sucking his thumb.]
PEARL: That's right, Clayton. Everything's all right.
[Clayton snuggles his head on Pearl's shoulder.]
PEARL: Mommy won't let the nasty old replicants get you....
[Clayton smiles contentedly.]
PEARL: If *anyone's* gonna take you out, it's gonna be *me*.
[After a brief pause, Clayton's eyes grow wide. Pearl, smiling
slightly, reaches over with her free hand and ... pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---o--- Fwshhhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
[Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved. Star Trek in all its incarnations, and its related characters
and situations, are trademarks of and copyrighted by Paramount Studios.
Anything written by Stephen Ratliff not owned by Paramount is copyright
Stephen Ratliff. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no
infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., or anyone else, is intended or should be
inferred. Ernest Borgnine won the Oscar Award for Best Actor in 1955
for "Marty." Thank you for your patience. Please deposit trash in the
designated receptacles as you exit the building.]
>> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously.
>> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?"
>> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied.
>> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys, try the brig,"