MiSTied "Q-Force" (2/2)

[castel...@nd.edu]

> The cube ships now had backed away from the Death Star
>with a new respect for its offensive capability.

MIKE (Borg cube): Whoa man! I'm not looking for trouble, dude.

> Moments later a second
>beam was emitted from the Death Star. The new target faired the same
>as the first, its atoms sprayed into the blackness of space in a fine mist.

TOM: For fast acting asthma relief...

>The remaining three ships huddled together in a small triangle.

CROW (Borg cube): Option right, on three on three.

> Tarkin
>thought that this was foolish. Now a well aimed shot could take out all
>three. The weapons officer thought the same thing, and fired again.
> The intense beam of destruction sped toward the three ships
>at the speed of light, and splashed into millions of sparks against unseen
>shields.
> "Sir it appears that they were able to deflect our shot," the weapons
>officer told Tarkin what he already had seen for himself.

MIKE: Duh! Who are you all of a sudden, Deanna Troi?

> Tarkin turned once more to look at Q. This time Q had the look
>of triumph - a smile spread across his face from ear to ear.

TOM: Someone slit Q's throat!
MIKE: That was dark.

> "Who are >they?" Tarkin asked.

CROW: They're the Spice Girls.
TOM: Nooooooooo!

> "The Borg," responded Q, quite pleased at Tarkin's reaction.
>"Quite a spectacular race, wouldn't you say?"

MIKE (sarcastically): Oh yeah, they only destroy entire civilizations at a
time. Really neat.

> Tarkin turned back to the weapons officer. "They can't deflect
>that kind of power consistently. Fire again."
> "Sir," the officer hesitated, "the Death Star was not designed
>for rapid firing. It will take a while for the batt. . .," his voice was cut >off as his wind pipe snapped shut.
> "Fire!" Vader commanded as he released his grip on the officer.

CROW (Bevis): Fire! Fire!

> Another blast from the Death Star, much less intense than the
>others had been, bounced harmlessly of the Borg shields.
> "Launch fighters!" Tarkin commanded.
> Tallon, who stood near the command chair, flinched as he was
>about to speak, but he valued his life and held his tongue. Instead Vader
>spoke his concern. "If they are able to stand up under the Death Star's
>super laser, than throwing our fighters at it would only be a waste of men
>and material."
> "Sir," an officer announced, "the ships are firing at us."

MIKE: The nerve!

> All three ships fired an intense beam of light aimed at the orifice
>of the super laser. Like a lightsaber,

TOM (singing): I was strong as I can be...

> the lasers cut up the surface of the
>Death Star, causing explosions that rocked the battle station. "They
>have effectively disabled our ability to fire, Sir," the weapons officer
>reported.
> "I want repair teams down there immediately!" Tarkin shouted.
> "Sir, it will take weeks to . . .," Vader did not release his grip on
>the weapons officer's neck this time, and after a few seconds struggle, he
>slumped to the flight deck.

CROW: This being a Star Wars/Star Trek crossover, I think David should
have given these people red uniforms.

> Suddenly, intruders started to materialize all over the bridge.
>Tarkin took a good look at the intruders,

TOM (Tarkin): Hubba-hubba.

> which he took to be the Borg.

CROW: Logical assumption, genius-boy.

>Half man, half machine, they had the hideous look of total emotionlessness

CROW: A legion of Steven Wrights?
MIKE (emotionless Steven Wright): Thanks.

>that Vader was able to use so well to his advantage. He drew his side
>arm and fired at the closest Borg.His shot exploded into the chest of the
>Borg and it collapsed to the floor.

TOM (emotionless Steven Wrigh): Oh, the pain, the humanity.

> Others were firing around him and >Borg were falling left and right. Tarkin was confused that the Borg did not
>seem to be armed. He fired at another Borg, but his shot was deflected by
>some kind of personal shielding. Frustrated,

CROW: Sexually?
MIKE: No!

> Tarkin turned his blaster
>to the maximum power setting and fired again. No effect. The oncoming
>Borg raised his mechanical arm and fired at Tarkin.

CROW (emotionless Steven Wright): I know what you're thinking, did I fire
six phaser bolts or only five?

> A red flash of light
>flickered in front of Tarkin and the bolt was deflected into the floor.
>Tarkin and the Borg both looked over at the source of the flash and saw
>Vader's lightsaber leap back into his hand.

TOM (Vader): No one invited ME to the brawl.

> The Borg now totally ignored
>Tarkin and focused on Vader. Vader took two, smooth, quick steps toward
>the Borg and swung his lightsaber at him. The blade shuddered slightly as
>it passed through the Borg's personal shield, but proceeded to cut the
>Borg in half.

MIKE (ominously): Got milk?

> Tarkin looked around the bridge and saw all of the Borg, who had
>been dispatching his staff quite efficiently, now break off from their >individual attacks to focus on Vader.

ALL (emotionless Steven Wright, singing): Over there, over there...

> Vader also, obviously, noticed the Borg's new
>agenda and placed himself in a combat ready stance.
> Q, who had seemed to disappear when the Borg had arrived, now
>stood next to Tarkin. Tarkin was slightly startled to find Q in such close
>proximity. "Watch this," Q said excitedly.

CROW (Q): I'm gonna do a somersault.

> About eight Borg converged on Vader in a semi-circle. One of them
>fired at Vader, and he deflected the bolt quite effortlessly. This made the
>Borg stop their approach,

MIKE: Since when are the Borg so easily intimidated?

> and Vader took the offensive by reaching out >with the Force and strangling one of the Borg.

MIKE (emotionless Steven Wright): Fishbone.

> The afflicted Borg staggered
>slightly but remained standing. Tarkin gasped.

CROW (Tarkin): Diet Dr. Pepper DOES taste like regular Dr. Pepper.

> Either they didn't >breath or they were strong enough to withstand Vader's hold.

TOM: Or maybe they're elves.

> Four of the >Borg's fired at him. Holding his weapon in one hand, he deflected two bolts
>with his lightsaber and the other two with his hand. All eight Borg lifted >their Mechanical arms

MIKE: As in God-like mechanical arms?

> and each fired twice in quick succession. With
>the Force he gathered all sixteen incoming bolts into a small cluster, and
>with a powerful swing of his lightsaber, he batted the cluster back at one of
>the Borg, incinerating it.

CROW (Vader): Hey, is this Heaven?
TOM: No, it's Iowa.

> The remaining seven Borg began firing >methodically. Vader held his lightsaber in right hand and ripped off a piece >of railing with the Force and brought it to his left hand.

MIKE: Drywall, weapon of the Jedi knight.

> Using both to block the incoming >onslaught he was able to stand his ground. A few stray bolts, that Vader did >not bother to block, seared through his cape or splattered into the computer >bank ten meters behind him.

TOM (Vader): Do you know how much this suit cost me?!

> The Borg began to spread out, making Vader block
>a wider range of shots. Vader ripped off more railing and had it spin in
>front of him. Moving as if connected to the ceiling with strings, the railing
>also started to block bolts.

CROW: Hey Darth, will stop playing with your food already?

> After a while the Borg began to coordinate their fire, sending all seven
>bolts in at once over a range of one hundred eighty degrees.

MIKE: Fahrenheit or Celsius?

> This was >two much for Vader and an occasionally a bolt struck him. Vader staggered
>as a bolt connected with his leg and another hit his shoulder. In a rage,
>he ripped down a large pipe down from the ceiling high over head.

CROW (Vader): Damn art deco interior design!

> He
>cut it open with his lightsaber and a jet of pressurized coolant sprayed
>over the group of Borg.

TOM (Schwarzenegger): Everybody, chill.

> The incoming bolts that were striking Vader >slowed and soon stopped.
> Tarkin could no longer see the Borg or Vader, as they were enveloped
>in a cloud of coolant. The computer automatically shut off the coolant
>leak, and vents sucked the gas into the floor.

ALL: (Making loud, slurping noises.)

> As the cloud thinned, >Tarkin saw that five Borg stood frozen solid, while the other two lay shattered
>on the deck.

MIKE (singing): I fall to pieces...

> Vader was on one knee breathing in violent gasps. He was
>covered with smoking burns and the breathing device on his chest was
>sparking.

CROW: Well, what do you expect after smoking an entire carton on menthols?

> Tarkin surveyed the damage. All of his officers lay dead except for
>Tallon, who still stood at his side, quite shaken. Most of the computers
>were smoking and inoperable. He did not know if Vader would live, but at
>least they had successfully repelled the Borg attack. As he was finishing
>this thought, thirty more Borg materialized in the middle of the disappearing
>fog.

ALL (emotionless Steven Wright): Woke from a dream, and went straight into
a daydream.

> One of the Borg carried an enormous cannon. Vader looked up
>as the cannon was pointed at him.

TOM (emotionless Steven Wright): You feel lucky, punk?

> Vader weakly hurled his lightsaber >at the Borg. As the saber flew toward the Borg, the cannon erupted with an >incredible burst of energy. A second later the lightsaber cut through the >cannon and it exploded, killing at least fifteen Borg who stood to close to it. >At the same instant, the bolt of energy caught Vader full in the chest, >throwing him violently back into the computer banks.

CROW: As opposed to throwing him softly and lovingly into the computer
bank.

> He crashed through the bank and lay >smoking among wires and sparking screens. A split second later, he exploded >releasing all of the Dark Force that was in him, utterly obliterating the >entire wall.

TOM: That was one spicy burrito.

> The remaining Borg turned to face Tarkin. "Enough." Q made a motion
>with his hand and the Borg and their ships disappeared. He turned to Tarkin, >who was still in a state of horror. "I do believe that the Death Star, your >staff, and Vader
>failed the test."

MIKE: I'm afraid you'll have to go to summer school.

> "How dare you!" Tarkin managed to mutter. "The Emperor will hear about
>this and . ."

CROW: He'll spank you, he will.

> "And what? You have seen my power. The Emperor can do nothing to me,"
>Q paused. "However, as long as I'm giving lessons, I wouldn't want to leave >anyone out," he paused again. "I've got just the thing."

TOM (Q): I'll make him guest-star on "Laugh-In".

> He snapped his >fingers and he disappeared, Vader's remains disappeared, and, unseen by Tarkin, >the remains of the X-wing that had crashed in the trench disappeared.
>
> Vader led his prisoner through the hallway of the Imperial palace on
>Coruscant. His prisoner looked up at him, "You don't have to do this."

MIKE: The hell?
CROW: Did something get deleted?
TOM: Luke Skywalker was found saftely on Tatoonie, and of normal size.
There was no Death Star...

> Vader said nothing but pushed him toward the doors of the throne room.
>The royal Imperial guards parted to allow Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker
>to enter the Emperor's throne room.

CROW: That's okay, because Luke has to use the bathroom anyway...
MIKE: Crow!

> The doors closed behind them, leaving them apparently alone in the
>enormous throne room. A large chair at the far end of the room slowly turned
>to face the pair. Vader pushed Luke toward the chair. "Welcome young
>Skywalker, I have been expecting you," the emperor spoke in a raspy voice
>as he revolved into view.

TOM: It's Mr. Burns.
CROW (Mr. Burns): Smithers!

> When Luke looked at him uncertainly, the >Emperor continued. "I have felt a disturbance in the Force. I told Vader to >bring you to me." He smiled and beckoned lazily with his hand. "You will no >longer be needing these." Luke's shackles fell to the floor."

MIKE: Hey, we jumped to "Return of the Jedi".

> "He was armed only with this." Vader held up Luke's lightsaber.
>Vader gave the weapon to his master.
> "Thank-you, Darth Vader. You may leave us now." Vader bowed
>and left the room, leaving Luke and the Emperor alone. The Emperor looked
>at the lightsaber and placed it on his arm rest. "You have grown strong in the
>Force.

CROW (Mr. Burns): Excellent.

> Now I can finish your training and you can stand by your father as
>third in command."

TOM: Nepotism is out of control in this universe.

> "My father?"
> "Yes," the Emperor's smile grew larger, "Vader is your father."
> "That's a lie! Vader killed my father."

MIKE (Luke): Waaaahhhh!

> "Is that what Ben told you?" the Emperor shook his head in mocked regret
>"He didn't trust you with the truth."

CROW: I wouldn't trust Luke with a paperclip.

> "It's not true!"

TOM (Mr. Burns): Oh, please.

> "Yes. Let the hate grow in you. Feel the power of the Dark side."

MIKE: Kenneth Starr?

> Luke fought his emotions

ALL: (Fighting and beating noises.)

> and swallowed his anger. "You'll never turn me to the Dark side," Luke paused. "And with the plans we stole, your Death Star will soon be history."

CROW (Mel Brooks): See Hitler on ice!

> The Emperor laughed, "Oh I'm sure that my battle station is quite safe
>from your puny rebellion." The emperor glanced at his arm rest and read a >report that appeared on his tiny screen.

TOM: Hey, he's got a Watchman.

> "In fact, I've just received word that >the moon at Yavin has been destroyed." Luke's face contorted in shock, and the >Epmeror showed mock concern. "Oh, I'm sorry. They were your friends, weren't >they."

CROW (Mr. Burns): Oh well. Such is life.

> Hatred grew in Luke, and he looked at his lightsaber laying next to the
>Emperor. "Yes. I am helpless. Take your weapon. Strike me down with
>it. Then your journey to the Dark side will be complete." Luke turned away,
>resisting the temptation.

TOM (Mr. Burns): But I've got chocolate.
MIKE (Luke): Chocolate... No! I must resist.

> "It appears that two ships survived. A lone >X-wing, and a Corellian freighter." He paused. "Oh never mind. I guess not."

ALL: (Muted trumpet noise.)

> Luke turned and his lightsaber leaped into his hand. Igniting it, he
>raised his weapon above the helpless Emperor. No, he thought. He
>deactivated his lightsaber and threw it to the floor. "You have failed. I >will not turn to the Dark side."
> The smile disappeared from the Emperor's face. "So be it.

CROW (Mr. Burns): Smithers, release the hounds.

> If >you will not join us, then you will die." He stood and sparks flew out of his >fingers,
>assailing Luke as he stumbled back down the steps and fell to the floor.

MIKE (singing): Ride the lightning...

> Luke felt his flesh burning as the lightning tore into him. The >onslaught came in repeated, concentrated bursts. Suddenly the onslaught >stopped Luke looked up at the Emperor as he raised his hands above his head
>a final time. "Now young Skywalker, you will die," the Emperor said
>matter-of-factly.

TOM (Mr. Burns): I'm going to make a suit out of you.

> Luke lay helpless on the floor writhing in pain. As >the Emperor's fingers began to spark, Luke felt himself become flooded with
>a new sense of power.

CROW (He-Man): I have the power!

> Luke couldn't identify the source of this power, >but it filled him with a new energy. Everything slowed down.

MIKE: Such as the plot.

> The >lightning approached Luke, but he was filled with this new strength and was >able to roll away and avoid it. The lightning struck the floor where Luke had
>just been lying. The Emperor stopped and looked at Luke with a new respect.
>"It appears I have underestimated your power. Though it matters not"
>He unleashed another flurry of electricity at Luke.
> Luke was ready and called his lightsaber to him to block the lightning.
>As he blocked the bolts, Luke could sense the lightning as it surged toward >him. Not knowing how he was able to do it, Luke collected the lightning on his
>blade. When the collected energy had reached an enormous amount,
>he hurled it back at the Emperor.

TOM: Yeah.
MIKE: Sure.
CROW: My willing suspension of disbelief just got hurled back.

> The returning bolts tore into the >Emperor's arm, severing at the shoulder. The Emperor fell back into his chair, >all power gone.

TOM (Mr. Burns): Help, Smithers!

> Luke lowered his weapon. "You cannot defeat the Light side of the
>Force," Luke said to the fallen Emperor. As the life drained from the
>Emperor, Luke shut down his lightsaber.

MIKE: Clap off. (He claps.)

> Applause came from the corner of the room and Luke spun to
>face the sound. "Bravo. Bravo." Q emerged from the shadows. "Good
>show, Luke. Good show. Truly the Light side is invincible as you say."
> Luke was puzzled to hear the heavy sarcasm in his voice, but
>he was more puzzled with regard to the surge of power he had felt during
>the battle.

CROW (triumphantly): Surge!

> Luke tried to examine his new found strength, but it was
>nondescribable. He was certain at the time he had obtained it that it was
>the power of the Force but now he was uncertain.

TOM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
CROW: With all the consistency of a bowl of pudding.

> As if the stranger >could read his thoughts, he answered Luke's unspoken question. "No, Luke. It
>is not the Force.

MIKE (Q): It's caffeine.

> And now I must take it back, for the Emperor has learned
>his lesson." He made a hand gesture. He made it again. "Give them back!"
>he screamed. A light saber appeared in Q's hand, and he charged Luke.
>"Give them back to me!"

CROW (Q): I'll tell.

> Luke was unsure exactly what he was talking >about, but he knew that he had to act or be cut in half.

TOM: Lucas should have tried that strategy when making the movies.

> Luke ignited his lightsaber and blocked the blow. Luke found that the
>stranger had incredible power, and he was obviously very mad at Luke about
>something.

MIKE (Q): I hate Wing Commander!

> They fought, sabers clashing and sparking violently. As >Luke fought he felt constricted by the flight suit he was wearing. Almost >before he thought it, his flight suit was replaced by a loose black jumpsuit >and a flowing robe, much more comfortable.

TOM: Especially since he stood over a heating vent and wasn't wearing
underwear.

> Luke was forced against a wall by the furious >onslaught of his adversary. As his back touched the cold stone,

CROW (Luke): Leia, what are you doing here?

> he wished the wall >wasn't there, and it simply disappeared.
> They fought into the hallway and attracted the attention of several
>palace guards. "Freeze you two!" Q, not letting up on his attack, nodded
>toward the guards. Luke glanced over at them as he ducked a high swing.
>He saw that the guards had taken their own command seriously and stood
>frozen as statues of ice. While Luke was crouched he swung his saber at the
>legs in front of him. As his blade made contact with Q's knee, Q's legs
>disappeared, and Luke's lightsaber passed harmlessly through the void
>under Q's hovering torso.

MIKE: Are we watching Jay Leno all of a sudden?

> Luke's momentum made him roll sideways. >Luke rolled an extra couple meters and came up and faced his enemy. Q had
>regained his legs and charged Luke.

TOM (effeminate Q): I'll harm you.

> Luke raised his lightsaber to block the upcoming blow, but found
>that his hands were empty. His lightsaber had just disappeared. Q was now
>only a meter away. Luke leaped straight up through the ceiling,

MIKE: Fight choreography by the Loony Toons.

> and Q
>stumbled past.
> Luke found himself standing on the roof of the palace with the
>night sky of Coruscant all around. Q came up through the roof looking
>around for Luke. When he found him he came charging in a pose Luke
>found all to familiar.

CROW (Luke): Boring.

> Luke still had no weapon and wished he was better
>in hand to hand combat. As if his wish was answered, he felt himself
>grow taller and his clothes were replaced with fur.

TOM: "An American Werewolf in Coruscant".

> He was a wookie. As
>Q came near, Luke kicked the handle of his lightsaber and Q lost his two
>handed hold on the weapon. His right hand alone held the weapon, and it
>swung toward Luke from the side. Luke stepped inside the swing and with
>a chop faster than Luke thought possible, he brought his arm down on Q's
>right arm and ripped it from his shoulder.

CROW: Hey, Luke disarmed him.
MIKE: (Smacks Crow upside the head for the bad joke.)
CROW: Ow!

> Q fell to the roof with a >scream and Luke removed the lightsaber from the now lifeless arm and resumed
>his normal form.

> He stood over his fallen enemy unsure of what to do.

TOM (Luke): Do I eat him now or save him for later?

> "That >will be quite enough." A voice came from the edge of the roof. Luke saw a man
>he didn't recognize emerge from the blackness of night. Q also turned on the >ground to look at the new arrival.

CROW: But... how can Q look? He's dead!
MIKE (soothing): It's okay, honey.

> "You!" Q yelled. "You . . . you helped him!"
> "Of course I did. You didn't expect me to send you here and not
>keep an eye on you."
> Luke looked at the two not understanding anything. "What's going on?"

TOM: Well um... um... (Head explodes.)
MIKE: (Quite startled): Yow!
CROW: It's okay Mike. There's an extra head under his seat.
MIKE: (He searches under Tom's seat and pulls out a spare hear. He then
replaces them.)
TOM: Thanks Mike.

> The new comer looked at him, "Don't worry you wont remember anything
>when this is over." He turned back to Q. "Humbled?"
> "Shut up."
> "I though so. I think it's time for you to return. You've done enough
>damage here." The new comer made a hand gesture.

ALL: Hey!

>
> "Luke. Use the Force. Let it guide your actions."

TOM: We now return to our regularly scheduled fanfic, already in progress.

> Luke Skywalker, last of the Jedi Knights, reached over and switched
>off his targeting computer.

CROW: ...and turned on his "Girls of the Internet" tape on.

> As he raced down the trench, he grabbed his
>weapons control stick and closed his eyes. He saw the target in front of
>him: an exhaust port.

TOM (Mitchell): Port? You got port?

> He aimed with the Force, and at just the right >time, he depressed the firing button.

MIKE (excitedly): Oh, I can't wait to see what happens!

> Two proton torpedoes sped straight and true into the exhaust port.
> Luke pulled his X-wing out of the trench right before the end and
>punched his sub-light engines. Moments later the Death Star erupted into
>a dazzling ball of flame.

ALL: Bravo! Well done!
TOM: Let's book.

(All leave the theater.)

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

(<SoL> Crow is to the left, dressed like Darth Vader and aiming a laser at
Tom, who is dressed in a pre-First Contact red Starfleet uniform, head
painted a fleshy pink, and strapped to a table.)

TOM: You're mad, Darth Vader! Do you expect me to talk?

CROW: No, Jean-Luc Picard. I expect you to die!

TOM: What, you don't want to know anything?

CROW: Well of course I do, but since you won't talk... (He turns on the
laser and it slowly inches up to Tom.)

TOM: All right! All right! I'll talk! The slow blade penetrates the
shield.

CROW: Ah-ha! I knew it! Now I will find the Robinson family and destroy
them.

TOM: But it's too late anyway! The Doctor has been informed of your
plans. Operation: Roundhammer has begun and the Chigs are on the run.

CROW: No matter! The Battlestar Galactica will be found, and the
Earthlings will be destroyed. Now, who is your contact in the fifth
column?

(Mike walks in at this point.)

MIKE: What the sam hell is going on?

CROW: I ask you again, Jean-Luc, who is your contact in the fifth column?

TOM: (He looks to Mike.) It's Martin.

MIKE (puzzled): Martin? Fifth column? Jean-Luc Picard? (He looks them
over, and then a look of realization and terror spreads over his face.)
Oh no! I knew this would happen. You're stuck in full crossover mode!
You can't discern one science-fiction from the other.

CROW: Shut up, Sisko! The Jem'Hadar are on the approach, and not even the
Wyrmriders of Pern can destroy enough Thread to stop me now! I am the
god! I am the god!

TOM (returning to normal): What's going on... OH MY GOD! Mike! Turn this
laser off!

MIKE: Uh, Crow Vader, could you turn off the laser?

CROW: Never! Behold the vicious prize for treason.

MIKE: (To Tom.) Sorry buddy, can't help you.

TOM: Yeah, but Mike, you really didn't try. Mike? Mike!

(The mad light flashes.)

MIKE: Be right with you Tom. What did you think, sirs? (All this time,
Tom is yelling at Mike. Then Tom starts yelling in pain. Mike turns his
head to look, grimaces, then quickly looks back towards Cambot, sheepishly
grinning.) Oh boy.

(<The Planet> Pearl is upclose to the camera and looks red-eyed and sick.
In the background, the Observer is lying face down on the ground, barely
conscious. Bobo is swinging from the trees and cheering madly.)

BOBO: I won! I won! I am the champion, I am the champion. No time for
losers, because I am the champion...

PEARL: I should have listened to the brain-guy. (Bobo runs up behind
Pearl and shakes her shoulders. This makes her very annoyed and causes
her to punch Bobo right in the kisser. He falls unconscious. Pearl turns
to face the camera again and she's rubbing her forehead.) I don't like to
lose.

End.

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trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use
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Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

"'It was done by a Lieutenant Commander Tallon, whom I am grooming for

future fleet command. It caught me by surprise.'"

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[FJ Castellino]

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