MSTed: Winston's Mail--1/2
M Sampo
rebel) for the foreseeable future. Enjoy!
Opening theme
1......2......3......4......5......6.....<CLUNK>
(Crow is at the desk alone. In front of him is a large sign that says
"Crow's
Desk".)
CROW (to himself): There. That ought to do it.
(MIKE and TOM enter and look at Cambot in surprise)
MIKE: Oh, Tom, look! We're on!
TOM: Oh, jeez, you're right, Mike! (They move to either side of Crow. Tom
settles on the desk, and Mike places his hands on the desk. As they do so,
Crow looks at each of them and reacts in silent dismay.)
MIKE (not noticing Crow's reaction, to Cambot) Hi, everybody! Mike Nelson
here aboard the Satellite of Love. And of course, these are my faithful
Indian companions, Tom Servo...
TOM (in a deep Indian-like voice): HOW! (chuckling) ...and that's native
American companions, Mike.
MIKE: Yeah, whatever...anyway this my other main amigo--not to be confused
with an Amiga--Crow T. Robot!! Yaaayyy! (Tom does applause noises--they
look
at Crow, who is stone faced.)
CROW: (pointedly): Ahem!!
MIKE: Crow? Is there a problem?
CROW (more pointedly, indicating sign): AHEM!!
(They look at the sign and react in amusement.)
MIKE: Oh, I get it....looks like Crow has appropriated the desk.
CROW (huffy): I did NOT appropriate it. It's just mine.
MIKE: (sighing): Crow, this is everybody's desk. We have a right to be
here.
CROW: Nope! Mine! All mine!
TOM (irritated): Crow, Crow, Crow. Once again, you haven't thought this
through. If you don't let us near your desk, we can't be part of the
experiments, and if we're not part of the experiments, YOU have to read
the
nutball usenet posts by yourself.
MIKE (realizing): Hey, that's right! Thanks, Crow! You being all selfish
and
rude means WE get out of the experiments from now on!
TOM: Woo-hoo!! What a pal, Crow.... (Mike and Tom congratulate each other
and
generally celebrate)
MIKE (to Cambot): Cambot, hit the music! I feel like celebrating! (Upbeat
salsa music begins to play and Mike and Tom begin to dance happily)
CROW (as they do): What a minute....um...hold on...just um...I didn't
mean...ya see...
(cut to spaghetti ball bumper, but we can still hear the music and Mike
and
Tom celebrating while Crow stammers....).
COMMERCIAL
(coming out of commercial, all are at the desk, the sign now has "Crow's"
crossed out and "Everybody's" written in. Tom and Mike are glum.)
CROW: ...So you see, fellas, I've had a change of heart. It would be WRONG
of
me to deprive you of the use of this great desk. I guess I'll just have to
make the sacrifice....
TOM (sarcastic): Yeah, yeah, you're a prince.
(Deep 13 light flashes)
MIKE: Oh, geez, Clyde Crashcop is calling....(taps button)
[Deep 13]
(Dr F is frowning into the camera)
DR. F: Look, Nelson, I haven't got time for your petty little squabbles.
With
Frank gone, the work was really starting to pile up, so I've decided to
call
Happy Temps again....(Camera pulls back to reveal Mandy Patinkin wearing a
lab coat and making some marks on the clipboard he's holding)....Ah! Here
he
is now! How's that assignment coming...uh...Mandy, wasn't it?
MANDY: Oh, just fine, Doctor....(stops and thinks)...Doctor....I was
doctor
once! Chief surgeon on a hit TV series!! And I threw it all AWAY!!! WHAT
WAS
I THINKING?? (Collapses in a heap and begins humming to himself. Dr. F
just
looks blankly at him, then shakes his head and turns back to the screen.)
DR F: Well, Blanskie's Beauties, if you think I'm going to let this spoil
my
mood you're sadly mistaken. Because what I have planned for you is going
to
make a Ratliff fanfic look like a cake walk. Brace yourselves: Ever wonder
if
our friend John Winston gets any mail?? Sure! We all do! Well it turns out
he
does and it's even more wretched than the stuff HE writes! Oh, and the
spelling is atrocious too! Bite down hard, boys--(Mandy comes up behind
him
holding a yard stick he has picked up and is now brandishing like a sword)
MANDY: My name is Iniego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
DR F (to the camera): Oh, hell...(pushes button)
[SOL]
(Movie sign lights and buzzers going off)
ALL: JOHN WINSTON??? NOOOO!! Aaaaahhhh we've got Net Kook Sign!!!! (They
rush
off)
6......5......4......3......2......1.......
(And they're taking their seats)
>Subject: winstons mail
CROW: Mike,. I'm a-scared. What kind of nutball writes to Winston?
TOM: What kind of nutball would post Winston's mail??
>From: mat...@empyr.dircon.co.uk (Matthew Williams)
MIKE: And there's your answer.
>Date: 02 Jun 95 20:17:26 GMT
>Message-ID: <0602199...@empyr.dircon.co.uk>
>More from the man of mysteries, the man of wisdom - John Winston.
(Mike slumps in his chair, Crow sighs deeply)
TOM: We are gonna get our butts kicked SO bad....
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: I think that was the point of no return up there...
> Subject: Lady Athena, Spaceperson.
ALL: ...and a good friend.
> During the Harmonic Convergence I was on the sides of Mt. Shasta up by
>the old ski bowl having more fun than any person should,
CROW: Certainly more than you deserve...
when I met a lady
>who was working with Sister Thedra. She was helping her send out the
>Sibor's Portions and after a while it seemed that something was bugging
>her.
TOM: Uh, John, ever think it might be YOU??
> I asked her about it and she said the she was pretty perturbed
>because nearly all of the information that Thedra was sending out was
>generated by male entities such as Sananda.
MIKE: Oooh! I LOVE them. (Singing) "You're a black magic woman..."
>
She
said that she thought
>they should sent out more information from the female intelligences.
TOM: ARE there any? (chuckles)
MIKE & CROW (shocked): TOM!!!
TOM (snickering): Sorry, ladies, just a joke...
>
I
>didn't give it too much thought until just a few days ago I got the
>following information. Here it is........................................
..........................................................................
CROW: "Your Period and You!"
>
> THE ASHTAR COMMAND
> OUR MISSION, PURPOSE AND DIRECTIVE
> Commander Lady Athena through Ashtar-Athena
>
MIKE: ...and keep on going till you get to the interstate.
> The Ashtar Command is the airborne division of the Great
>Brother/Sisterhood
TOM: Isn't the correct term "Siblinghood"?
> of Light, under the admisistrative
direction of
>Commander Ashtar and the spirutal guidance of Lord Sananda, know to Earth
>as Jesus, or the Christ, our Commander-in-Chief.
CROW: So THAT's what happened to Jesus!! He went into the Witness
Relocation
program!
>
Composed of millions
>of starships and personnel from many civilizations, we are here to assist
>Earth and humanity through the current cycle of planetary cleansing
MIKE: Oh, good! The Load Pan Bay needs a LOT of work...
>
and
>polar realignment.
TOM (as Gerald Ford): The Polish people are a free and independent nation,
and do not need realigning...
> We serve like midwives in the birthing of
humanity
>from dense-physical to physical-etheric bodies of light, capable of
>ascending into the fifth dimension along with the Earth.
CROW: So, if the Earth is going with you, how can you tell you're
ascending?
> 1. We are the Hosts of Heaven who serve the Most Radiant One
MIKE: George Clinton
(the
>Christ)
MIKE: Oh.
in his mission of love. We work in coordination with the
legions
>of Michael, Uriel, Jophiel, Gabriel
TOM: ....Donner and Blitzen.
> and the 70
Brotherhoods of Light
>that administer the Divine Plan. We serve by monitoring and stablizing
>the planetary grid systems
CROW: Grid Systems?? Oh my God, the Earth is a TANDY product!!
MIKE and TOM: Noooooooo!!!
> and serve as protectors of
this
univerasal
>sector. Different fleets within the Command specialize in spiritual
>education, ascension, scientific survey, communicaiton, monitoring
>planetary affairs,
TOM: Anal probes...
MIKE: Enough Kids in the Hall for YOU, young man.
> and the well-being of our personnel,
universal
and
>intergalactic statesmanship and law, species observation, education,
>relocation, media and artistic expression, healing, horticulture,
>zoology, and many other areas of research.
> 2. A major focus at this time is
MIKE: Christie Turlington.
the activation of
the
collective
>Messiah, the 144,000 ascended masters (referred to as Eagles witin the
>Command)
CROW: With or without Joe Walsh?
> who form the Legion of Special Volunteers. These are the
>star-seeded emissaries
MIKE: And if you've never been star-seeded, I can tell you, it's no picnic
> from the Office of the Christ,
through
the
>interstellar Councils of Light, here on earth assignment. Their
>awakening is crucial to the transiton of the planet.
TOM (sleepily): Just let me sleep for ten more millennia, mom....
>
Hence, we and our
>earth-based representatives are here to facilitate the awakening of the
>Eagles and other Light servers.
CROW: Can they awaken my LAN server? It's been running really slow...
> Our mission administers
the sacred
>ordiances of the Lord God Most High and functions through the Elohim, the
>Coucils of Orion, the Great Central Sun hierachy and Order of
Melchizedek.
MIKE: ...and the Knoxville, Tennessee Chamber of Commerce....nobody knows
why.
TOM: Five....
> 3. We acknowledge that God, the Source, is one ominipresent, eternal
>life force, universally recognized by many names and forms.
CROW: ...but whose REAL name is Phil!
> 4. We affirm that there is one "only begotten Son of God," as pure
>unconditional love extended throughout creation. The Lord God of the
>highest positive realms of spirit created and extended only love.
MIKE (angry): When he COULD have extended my credit limit!
> This Son of God exists as a state of divine consciousness or Chrishood
>exemplified by divine embodiments such as Jesus, Sanada, Maitreya,
>Krishna
TOM: ...Joe Besser...
> and others. These and alll true techers or avatars
represent
a
>multidimensional collective of love-wisdom, focalized and extended
>through the Office of the Christ.
CROW: I'm assuming it's a corner office...
TOM: Yep! Big comfy couches and everything!
> This office, as well
as
other divine
>thrones of celestial administration, is anchored by a trinity. Currently
>the Office of the Christ is held by Lord Jesus, Lord Moses and Lord
>Elijah. The current planetary christ is Lord Maitreya.
CROW: Lord Maitre d'?
MIKE: No WONDER I can never get a table at Elaine's!
>
These Christed
>energies are held as well by Lord Kuthumi and others as our cycle
>progresss
TOM: Uh, honey, we don't we want to hear about your cycle.
> into the future and the new heierachy of masters take
their
>places.) Lord Sathva Sai Baba, currently residing in Sourth India,
>manifests cosmic Christhood and also Father-Mother Godhood as an
>extremely rare full avatar,
CROW (British): Extremely rare. Beautiful plumage!
> known as the Kalkhi Avatar or
tenth
>incarnation of Lord Vishnu.
CROW: ...and Grand Poobah.
TOM (whispering) No, that's Juliewa!
MIKE: Shhhh!!
> The Christ also manifests as
the
>individualized soul within mankind with the potential of expressing
>perfect sonship, or Christhood.
CROW: You know, if living in a perfect world means I'd have to talk like
this, I'd rather have disease and famine.
TOM: Me too...
> The collective Messiah
consists of those
>14,000 ascended masters who accompany the Christ or appointed Messiah on
a
>mission of love.
TOM: The brothel tour of Thailand!
> These constitute the true church or body of
Christ.
>This body of divine sonship is not limited to 144,000, but requires that
>minimum number to leaven and give rise to the loaf of humanity
(All laugh)
CROW Leaving behind the crust of poverty...
TOM: And cutting off the end pieces of disease...
MIKE: That's pretty funny, guys, but--
CROW: Making sure it doesn't burn in the oven of discord...
TOM: And splitting the top to pour in the butter of holiness--
MIKE: Uh, I think we got it, guys...
(the
>ascension) or shift into a new paradigm. The door of grace is open to any
>who would step forth and choose conscious sonship.
MIKE (announcer voice): The ascended masters of the Universe will take
anybody who chooses conscious sonship--but they won't take American
Express.
> (The term son, father and mankind refer not to gender but to the
>directive spiritual funciton, punusha, or spirit. Prakrithi, or material
>creation, refers to the receptive spiritual function know by the terms
>daughter, mother, goddess, Shakti etc. through which spirit is birthed
>into form as the son-daughter of God, soul or Christ principal.
CROW: ...although for tax purposes, we just use the term "independent
contractor."
>
As there
>seems to be much controversy regarding these issues, we have wished to
>bring some light and clarity.
MIKE: And you've failed miserably.
> We of the Ashtar Command
simply
refer
>to the Christ as the Most Radiant One or the Beloved.)
TOM: But never, NEVER "sugar britches."
> 5. We teach that in highest truth, you have never left the heart of
>God.
ALL (singing): ...in San Francisco.....(all laugh)
CROW: That was too easy.
> As rays of God Source, we have the divine function of extending
>God's love throughout the cosmos.
> (The belief in separation we refer to as the father of all lies and the
>root cause of all fear and negativity or ignorance, expressed as what we
>refer to as the ego or false self.)
CROW: THERE we go: Individuality equals ignorance. I knew they'd get
around
to that...
MIKE (sighing): Yep, it starts out all sundresses and flowers, but pretty
soon you're signing over your bank account.
> We practice the one true religion of unconditional love. We ever
>strive to inspire faith and trust in the One Source and in the divine
>purpose and plan.
TOM: Lady, all you inspire in me is a desire to watch a Burt Reynolds
movie
just for balance.
> Our mesage is always a positibve one of hope
and
>affirmaiton.
CROW: And good spelling.
> We encourage your worship of God along the path of
your
>preference, for we have not come to start yet another religion! We ask
>not to be set apart, idolized or worshipped, but to be respected and
>seen as your elder brothers and sisters in servive to the One God.
MIKE: Oh, I don't know...
>JW Well, I believe she mentioned about every entities I've ever heard of,
>plus a few more.
TOM (sarcasm sequencer on full): Oooh, the man of mystery speaks!!
>Source Of Information: SEDONA, Journal of EMMERGENCE! P.O. Box 1526,
>Sedona, Arizona 86339. 602-282-6523.
CROW: Give 'em a call and ask them if they have sonship personhood in a
can...
>Remember: Two things are hard on the heart - running up stairs and
>running down people.
CROW (flatly): Ha-ha, that's very logical.
TOM: We gotta go.....(they rise and leave)
>John Winston.
1.......2........3........4........5........6 (CLUNK)
[SOL]
(Mike, Crow and Tom are shaking themselves, trying to clear the cobwebs
out
of the brains)
TOM: Mike, I don't get this post we've been reading. How does a bunch of
hippies out in the desert manage to convince themselves -- not to mention
other people -- that they're space aliens who've arrived here on starships
to
save mankind?
MIKE: I dunno, buddy. Seems to me that sort of story would kind of start
to
look shaky the first time the Ascended Christed Masters came into town for
some decaf coffee and Slim Jims.
CROW: What worries me a lot more is that none-too-subtle message that if
you
are the sort of the person they disapprove of, then you're going to get
what's coming to you once their vision of Utopia arrives.
TOM (chuckling): I think that's why they appeal so much to Winston and his
cronies. Let's face it, guys. When the aliens REALLY DO come to impose
universal peace on the planet, our biggest problem will be the quislings
like
WInston who'll be joinin' up with 'em.
MIKE: Well, I'm glad to see we've all seen right through the charade of
this
post and haven't been taken in by.... (Gypsy enters. She is wearing a
sundress and has flowers in her hair.)...uh...Gypsy???
GYPSY: Wow, Mike....I just happened to tap into that post you've been
reading....and it's changed my life!!! Now I see the universal truth!
(Mike,
Tom and Crow sigh.)
CROW: Gypsy, how many times have we told you not to eavesdrop on the
experiments!! You're too impressionable to be exposed to net kooks!
TOM: Oh brother...this could be worse than the time she wandered on to Pat
Buchanan's home page!
GYPSY: You guys are just non-ascended life forms who fail to grasp change
in
polarities.
CROW: Yeah, whatever...
MIKE: Looks like we'll have to deprogram her again...(searching around
under
the desk) where'd I leave that Norton Utilities disk....(commercial sign
lights flash. To Cambot) Ah. Commercial sign. We'll be right back. (taps
button)
(And into commercial)
(Coming out of commercial)
[Theater]
(Mike and the bots are taking their seats)
> Subject: Lady Athena, Spaceperson. Part 2.
CROW: Electric Booga--
MIKE: Crow, I thought we agreed to retire that one!
CROW: ...sorry....
> Boy, this information is getting pretty deep.
(All laugh)
TOM (chuckling): Yeah, "deep" was the word I was thinking of, too!
> I
hope
this isn't falling
>offf you backs like water on a ducks back. I want all of you people
>ready if and when the space people make their entrance, stage left.
CROW: Everybody on stage for the genocide number!!
Here
>we go with some more deep
stuff...........................................
..........................................................................
MIKE (rubbing his eyes): I'm seeing dots...
> 6. We are universal ambassadors of peace, peacemakers and
>peacekeepers. Our spaceships have no defense mechanisms whatsoever.
TOM (Delighted): That's the best news I've heard all day!!! (As Picard)
Lock
on photon torpedoes, Mr. Worf!!!!
Our
>committment to complete harmlessness in thought, word and deed serves as
>its own protection.
MIKE: Isn't that what the Bosnians said?
> We ever encourage unity, harmony and the
peaceful
>co-existence of all.
> 7. The terms "command" and "commanders" refer to our self-elected duty
>of being in command of ourself and responsible for our positions of trust
>and stewardship at e command of the Lord God Most High and the Most
Radiant
>One. (In no way do these terms imply an attitude of militancy. A true
>commander walks in a spirit of humility and service in purest attunement
>to the divine directive.
CROW (Drill sergeant): You're not humble enough, maggot!!
> 8. We abide strictly within Confederation policy of noninterference
>with free will.
MIKE (laughing): Ah, the Prime Directive!
TOM: Hooboy!! Anybody spot any plastic ears on these guys?
> While we may point out the possible consequences
of
>some of your choices of action, we allow you to live, express and govern
>your lives and planaet as you choose. The only exception would be if
>your actions could jeopardize survival of your planet and populationas a
>whole or have repercussions throughout the rest of the solar system.
CROW: For example, if you were ever to cancel "Family Matters" we couldn't
be
held responsible for what happened next...
>
We
>are, however, always available to respond to your specific requests for
>assistance. We are enthusiastic about joining with you in more conscious
>interaction and cocreative endeavour.
TOM: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
> 9. We honor all lilfe and all people as inherently divine. We
>recognize but one race, the race of humanity - heavenly universal Man.
MIKE (female voice): The Baldwin brothers, especially!
(All giggle girlishly)
> (Man, manifestation of the One [AN]; also Manas,
CROW: ...the Hands of Fate???
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
>
the divine mind or
>thinker and Hu-man, God-man the one who can know the heavenly universal
>divine self; also HU, an ancient word for God.)
MIKE: To feel like the hu-man....
> We celebrate the great diversity within creation and honor all races,
>colors, creeds and governmental forms which honor indiviual right to
>freedom of expression and human rights.
TOM: But this Senator Exon guy really cheeses us off...
> We love
you
unconditionally and
>hold the vision of Earth and its humanity as living, ascended, whole and
>joyously radiant in abundance and freedom.
CROW: That's all well and good, but what about the designated hitter rule?
> 10. We are the guardian action shepherding your Earth. ASH means
>shepherd, a Melchizedek elder.
TOM: MMMM...I'll have a Melchizedek with onions, please!
> Ashtar is a code name
for
the one who
>oversees as commander the administrative fleets of the Most Radiant One,
>Sananda.
MIKE: If they're so peaceful and defenseless, why do the need code names?
CROW: Well, it gets kinda boring out there in the desert...
> Athena is the counterpart energy of Ashtar and is the
aspect
>often sent forth into objective form to serve by sharing wisdom through
>teaching and activating the starseed.
(Crow opens his mouth to say something and Mike clamps his hand down over
his
beak.)
MIKE: NOOO you don't, Crow....
TOM: You're getting pretty fast, there, Nelson.
> Thus Ashtar
and Athena can
>function separately or as two rays combined in one form, the code name
>for this funciton being Astar-Athena; or they can funciton upon comic
>levels
(ALL laugh)
CROW: Insert "Freudian slip" joke here....
> as a vast oversoul consciousness or star family of Ahstar and
>Athena encodements. The name often seen liked with Ashtar's, SherAn,
>is a code name that refers to one who has come into this universal
>sector to assist in resurrecting and ascending a planetary world
>from the involutionary codes of 666, into those of resurrectied life
>eternal, or 999, therby resplicing, as it were, a planetary world
>back into the tree of life everlasting.
TOM: Is this going to be on the final?
MIKE: Uh, what was the middle part again?
> It
specifically
refers
>to one working with the energies of salvation, the restoral of a
>world to the Divine Plan through the Christ pattern.
CROW (Minnesota lady): Oh, that's a lovely Christ pattern...
TOM (same): Oh, yah, you can get it Newberry's, but they special order
it...
>
The lineage of
>AN or ON appears at the beginning and ending of major cycles as
>teachers of the universal law of Oneness. We do not have
>names as you understand them.
MIKE (Torgo): NoT aS YoU kNoW iT....
> We have code
designations
which
>represent our divine functions.
CROW (kid): And you can only decode them if you got the special decoder
ring!
>JW Well I'm headed for the wagon these shoes are killing me.
TOM: Shoes for industry, John...
>Part 2.
>Source Of Information: SEDONA, Journal of EMERGENCE, P.O. Box 1526,
>Sedona, Arizona 86339, 602/282-6523 or FAX 602/282-4130.
>Remember: When things go wrong, don't go wrong with them.
>John Winston.
CROW: Look we're hurting enough already without YOUR crapola, Winston....
TOM: Time to go, guys...(They rise and leave)
(And into commercial)
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================