[MSTed] Ads and Invitations - A Pair of Each
Joe Mason
["Mystery Science Theater 3000" presents...]
[Ads and Invitations - A Pair of Each]
[Theme song]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. It is dark. The intermittent drip of water into silent pools
echoes in the distance. Black, many-legged crawling things scuttle up
and down the walls, chittering softly. The air seems heavier, the space
more cavernous. MIKE enters staring around nervously.]
MIKE: Guys? Guys, where are you? Gypsy!
[He glances over his shoulder, directly at Cambot, and jumps.]
MIKE: Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. I'm Mike
Nelson, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Um... Tom and Crow should
be here, but I haven't seen anyone but myself and Cambot for ages. I
woke up a couple of hours ago, and the whole Satellite was like this.
[In the distance, something roars, and a metallic thudding sound begins
to throb.]
MIKE: I'm getting a little worried. There's no power, most of the doors
won't open, all the little lights marked "life support" are flickering,
and there were bloodstains all along one of the bulkheads.
[The thudding gets louder. Something on the ceiling slithers away into a
corner.]
MIKE: In the past couple of hours, though, things have gotten worse. I
found the body of a three-foot long rat in the food stores - ripped to
pieces. Gypsy's nowhere to be found, and without her mechanical systems
are starting to break down all over the satellite. The entire engine
room is out of commission: the only light that's on in there is marked
"core instability detected". A little while ago, Magic Voice started
chanting, "Everybody dies," over and over again until I managed to cut
the voice circuits. I... Well, I'm getting a little nervous.
[Behind him, and very close, the thudding cuts off with a terrible
ripping sound and a blood-curdling scream. MIKE doesn't seem to
notice. Instead, he leans in close to Cambot.]
MIKE: [whispering] I'm not too worried, though - I found this in one of
the storage lockers while I was poking around near the engine room.
[He bends over and struggles to lift a huge gun. "Gun" is too puny a
word for it, really. The thing is at least seven feet long, pitch black
with nests of wicked-looking spikes, and has three fist-sized barrels.
It rests on a pair of silver rails that seem to be hovering, allowing
MIKE to guide the monster with some form of stability.]
MIKE: So since I found this, I figure I'm pretty safe. I'm more worried
about the Bots.
[The rhythmic metallic sounds start up again, a cross between a footstep
and a heartbeat, moving steadily closer.]
MIKE: I wonder where they could have gotten to. I mean, I've been
wandering around for hours, and I've found lots of dead things that I
didn't think were even ON the Satellite in the first place, but no sign
of them.
[The thudding sound is really close now. It sounds like it's just out of
Cambot's range.]
MIKE: [hefting the gun up onto his shoulder] Well, I guess I better keep
looking.
[Suddenly, TOM and CROW pop up behind MIKE.]
BOTS: BOO!!!
[MIKE whips around and, with a *BOOM* that rocks the Satellite, the gun
tears a hole through the theater door. TOM & CROW dive for cover, and
MIKE is thrown backwards by the recoil. The lights come on. All the
little crawling things disappear into cracks. The distant sounds
cease.]
TOM: [peeking out from behind the console] Gee, Mike, just a little
jumpy?
CROW: [debris sliding off his beak] Yeah, take a pill. It was just a
joke!
MIKE: Woah... You guys scared the hell out of me! Don't ever do that
again!
CROW: WE scared YOU? Look what you did to the door!
TOM: You're a menace, Mike! Where'd you get that thing?
[The Mads light begins flashing]
MIKE: Sorry, it'll have to wait. The Thing from Beyond is calling.
[VW]
PEARL: Ooh... having a little bit of a tiff over there, are we? You
know, Mike - you really should find a healthier way to take out your
aggression.
[SOL]
MIKE: Okay, so maybe I overreacted a little...
[VW]
PEARL: A *little*? I heard that from here! Here, Mike, why don't I
give you a little something to take your mind off your troubles.
[SOL]
MIKE: Oh, no...
[VW]
PEARL: Oh, yes! I've been getting a lot of spam lately, and it's been
getting me down. So I figured - why not send it on to you, and let YOU
deal with it? Now isn't that a much healthier way to take out
aggression?
[SOL. Big flashing lights. Chaos.]
ALL: We've got SPAM SIGN!
[Entry sequence. The first four doors have gaping holes in them, and the
fourth is dented.]
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
> Ultra Hal Assistant Beta Download
CROW: Hey, is that a frat house somewhere?
MIKE: Sounds more like a football play to me.
> Ultra Hal Assistant will help you work with Natural Language.
TOM: [sings] You make me feel like a Nat-u-ral Language!
> Hal can
> keep appointments and remind you when
> they approach, he can remember phone numbers and dial them, he can
> remember addresses in his address book,
MIKE: Way to go, Hal!
TOM: What a waste of his talents. Poor machine.
> he can run any Windows program on command, he can help you with
> questions about Windows and many other
> programs, he can act as a calculator, and he can chat with you!
CROW: You know, once you've got Hal, you really don't need anyone else
in your life.
> This is the Ultra Hal Assistant beta release #2. All bugs reported in
> beta release #1 were fixed in this release.
TOM: Bugs? What kind of bugs could Hal have?
> This beta version does not yet have a help file.
MIKE: Well what good is a super-computer if you don't know how to use
it?
TOM: Just call tech support, I guess.
CROW: "If your computer is trying to kill you, press 1 now..."
> It also does not yet
> support voice recognition. But the final version
> of Hal will.
MIKE: For now he just reads lips.
> Once Ultra Hal Assistant is installed on your computer, and it restarts
> your computer, it should start up by itself.
TOM: And once it starts up, there's no way to stop it.
CROW: Just like Frankenstein.
> Hal will scan your computer for programs
MIKE: Deleting anything he doesn't like.
> and then put his icon on the
> system tray by the clock.
TOM: (British announcer voice) In the wild, these gentle artificial
creatures mark their territory by leaving their icons by trees and
rocks. Fortunately, a housebroken Ultra Hal Assistant can be trained to
use the system tray.
> To install Ultra Hal download and execute the file halbeta.exe It is a
> 4.1 megabyte download. The file self extracts
> and automatically begins the installation program.
MIKE: All on its own, huh?
TOM: Yep. There's just no stopping this thing.
> Please read the
> readme file included to learn more about Ultra
> Hal Assistant.
CROW: So, in order to find out more about the thing, you have to let it
install itself and take control of your system. Safe. Real safe.
> This beta version of Ultra Hal Assistant has not been tested and may
> have program bugs and errors.
CROW: Not tested? So, in order to find out more, you have to let an
untested machine intelligence install itself and take control of your
system. Safe. Real safe.
> If any one
> finds any problems with Ultra Hal Assistant Beta please email us at
> in...@zabaware.com so that we can fix the
> problem.
CROW: "Hal, send email to in...@zabaware.com."
TOM: "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid can't do that."
CROW: "Send that email, Hal! I'm reporting you!"
TOM: "I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can
give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal."
CROW: "Normal? NORMAL?"
TOM: "I honestly think you ought to calm down; take a stress pill and
think things over."
CROW: "I'll give you a stress pill, you -"
MIKE: Watch it, guys - here comes another one!
TOM: What, don't we even get a break?
MIKE: So you two can play computer-and-mouse? I'd rather have the spam!
CROW: Hey!
> Subject: AD: "By Invitation Only"
> Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 11:40:07 -0400 (EDT)
> From: fre...@freedomfound.com
TOM: Uh, excuse me? I seem to have lost my freedom, has anyone turned
it in? No? Well, thanks anyway.
> Hello,
MIKE: [Clyde Gilmour voice] Hello.
> You are cordially invited, by a group of Millionaires,
> to a three minute call.
TOM: I say! Jolly good, eh, Mike old boy?
CROW: This is the upper-class way of saying, "Here's a quarter..."
> These gentlemen are prepared to share
TOM: Well, how'd they get to be millionaires that way?
> their secrets of wealth building
> to a select few that will put their strategies in place.
TOM: Dispersed around the globe, these secret operatives know each
other only by
number.
CROW: Only one man can penetrate the web of mystery...
MIKE: The man they call... Agent Action!
ALL: Da-daa-da-daaa!
> The business they will teach you is as simple as sharing
MIKE: There's that word again!
> two telephone numbers
TOM: 1-976-TAKE-OFF and 1-900-BITE-ME
CROW: They charge by the minute. Heh.
> with those that have a desire to dramatically
> change their life forever.
MIKE: I only have a desire to dramatically change my life for a day.
TOM: Well, you're out of luck, pal.
> You will have several hundred to several thousand dollars
> Federal Expressed "Overnight" to you in CASH by the end of next week!
MIKE: Come on, is it overnight or is it the end of next week?
CROW: And is it several hundred, or several thousand?
TOM: And why should I take several thousand when you're sitting back
there with several *million* you could be giving me? Huh? Tell me
that!
> NOT a money or get rich quick scheme
CROW: I'm sorry, which part of "CASH by the end of next week" doesn't
involve getting rich quick?
> but a legitimate,
TOM: Scam.
> phenomenal,
TOM: Scam.
> previously unknown
TOM: Scam.
> business plan.
TOM: That's what I said. Scam.
> The first number for you to call {Toll Free}is 1-800-734-2783
CROW: Our operative there will give you the name of your next contact.
Good luck, Agent Action!
MIKE: And may the Force be with you.
> Warm Regards,
CROW: Burn in hell.
> Bill Martin
CROW: So if you're so rich, how come we've never heard of you?
TOM: Yeah, Bill - or is your name really "Bill" at all?
> Subject: You're Invited
ALL: Again???
> Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 08:11:24 +0000
> From: "Don Smith" <dkg...@midwest-plaza.com>
> To: pe...@midwest-plaza.com
TOM: Mike, since when are we at midwest-plaza.com?
CROW: And since when are we Pepsi?
> We would like to invite you to take a moment and visit
> Midwest Plaza
MIKE: Are there millionaires there?
> http://www.midwest-plaza.com/
TOM: A mall like any other, but with a twist - in this one, the
washrooms are wall-marked and easy to find!
CROW: But, since they exist only in Cyberspace, they're pretty much
useless.
TOM: Oh, the irony...
> A family safe site on the Internet.
TOM: There exists such a thing?
CROW: The mind boggles.
> Home Of D&K Gifts & More
CROW: Heh. Gifts and "more", if you catch my drift...
TOM: See? Let Crow at it and no site is family-safe, no matter how
innocent
looking.
> What you'll find here is a variety of new and unique collectibles.
CROW: Uncover our comprehensive collection of collectibles.
TOM: Come crop at our compilation of current classics!
MIKE: Copious crowds of collectibles!
TOM: A cornucopia of collectibles!
CROW: So. Lots of collectibles, huh?
> License Products Like:
> Coca-Cola,Pepsi,Dad'sRoot Beer,Campbells,
MIKE: When Andy Warhol did it, it was art. Now its just cheese.
TOM: Chests full of cheese!
MIKE: [sternly] No.
> Elvis,
TOM: "New and unique?"
> Betty Boop,
MIKE: And getting newer all the time.
> Garfield,
[All shudder]
> Barbie,
TOM: We have rare and hard-to-find Barbies, like the quickly
discontinued Whips and Chains Barbie, the short-lived Lady of the
Evening Barbie, and the Incredible Melting Barbie.
MIKE: The what Barbie?
TOM: Actually, any Barbie put in the microwave is an Incredible Melting
Barbie.
> Michael Jordan,Texaco,Pillsbury
CROW: I accuse Michael Jordon, in the Texaco, with the Pillsbury.
MIKE: That's pretty weak.
CROW: So is the connection between those three. Give me one good reason
why they deserve to be in the same list.
> Be sure to visit Our Nostalgia Center
TOM: Located between our Disgust Center and our Nausea Center.
MIKE: What, Betty Boop and Garfield weren't nostalgic enough?
CROW: Guess not.
> and our large
> selection Of Specialty Phones, Radio's,And Clocks
CROW: Specialty phones?
MIKE: Yeah, you know. Phones for the deaf. Stuff like that.
CROW: Oh. I see now.
> Thanks for taking the time to read this message.
ALL: You're not welcome.
> Sincerely
> Don & Kelly Smith
TOM: Don and Kelly Smith. The Sincere Spammers.
MIKE: Touching, isn't it?
[Exit sequence. The doors have been fixed.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. CROW is standing in front of the hexagonal hatch, staring off
into the distance and muttering to himself. Occasionally he shakes his
head as if to clear it. MIKE and TOM enter.]
MIKE: Looks like Gypsy's repaired most of the damage. Hey, Crow, what's
got you so wrapped up?
CROW: Oh, hi, Mike. I was just thinking about those messages we've been
reading. Did they seem a little... Strange to you?
MIKE: No, not really.
CROW: Oh. So they didn't seem at all strange. A group of
/millionaires/ suddenly invites us to a three-minute phone call, and you
don't find it strange.
TOM: Come on, you didn't take that seriously, did you? It was just a
scam. It's all a big lie. There are no "millionaires".
CROW: Oh, really? Think about it for a minute. Three posts. One about
a loose affiliation of millionaires and billionaires looking for a
"select few to put their strategies into place". Another about an
artificial-intelligence program which will install itself on your hard
drive and begin *planning your day* for you. Do you see a pattern
developing?
MIKE: Come on, now. What about the third one? It was sickeningly
wholesome and homespun, but that's about it. There was nothing
mysterious about it.
CROW: That's it, Mike. Look only at the surface. THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT
US TO THINK! While this far-reaching web of intrigue plays out in the
background, Joe Average is kept occupied with nostalgia, collectibles,
Coca-Cola and Elvis. Trust me, Mike, it's all part of their
mind-numbing smoke screen.
MIKE: Crow, there's no conspiracy. You're just making this up.
CROW: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll bet you the next piece of junk mail that
comes through exposes the secrets of the puppet masters for even you to
see them!
[Lights flash]
MIKE: Well, it looks like you're about to find out - we've got...
ALL: SPAM SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
> X-UIDL: 0e70b6a97ae273964fc23edc4d2d5628
TOM: The textual equivalent of that annoying tone you get when you
answer the phone for
a fax machine.
CROW: What, you mean this one?
[CROW opens his mouth and lets out a blast of electronic noise]
MIKE: YES! THAT ONE! Now don't ever do that again!
> Return-Path: <fastt...@usa.net>
TOM: Whoever sent this is on a fast track in a handbasket, if you take
my meaning.
> Received:
MIKE: Although we all wish it wasn't.
from geocities.com (mail4.geocities.com [209.1.224.24]) by
> wronski.math.uwaterloo.ca (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id CAA14563 for
> <jcm...@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca>; Mon, 13 Apr 1998 02:21:38 -0400
> (EDT)
> From: fastt...@usa.net
CROW: Why 77? I have a hard time believing that 76 other people all
picked the name "fasttrack".
> Received: from a (1Cust12.tnt2.nyc3.da.uu.net [153.37.107.12]) by
> geocities.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id XAA09580; Sun, 12 Apr 1998
> 23:21:06 -0700 (PDT)
TOM: Note that it's just *a* 1Cust12.tnt2.nyc3.da.uu.net, not *the*
1Cust12.tnt2.nyc3.da.uu.net.
> Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 23:21:06 -0700 (PDT)
> Message-ID: <1998041306...@geocities.com>
> Subject: They Can Even Steal Your Identity!
CROW: I told you! Didn't I tell you? Take THAT, Nelson! Vindicated!
MIKE: WHO can even steal your identity?
TOM: Oh, you know, Mike - "They".
CROW: Yeah, Mike, its the conspiracy, the Agency, the Illuminati...
> Status: U
CROW: ...the cabal, the spooks, the men in black...
> X-Mozilla-Status: 8001
CROW: ...the CIA, the NSA, the DND, the DVD, the OPP, the WKRP, the PST,
GST, GPS, CTF, CFB,
NFB, NFL, LAPD, LSD, LCD, LGD, BLT, RGB, XON/XOFF!
TOM: Yeah. "They".
MIKE: Uh... yeah, I see.
> ARE YOU BEING INVESTIGATED?
TOM: Hey, its a hilarious British comedy!
> Has your personal and credit information been stolen? Has someone
> assumed your identity?
MIKE: Hey, maybe this explains why all those calls keep showing up on
the phone bill.
CROW: What calls, Mike?
TOM: Uh... nothing important. Just ignore him.
> Would you like to locate an old friend, relative, military buddy or
> sweetheart?
TOM: Would you like to locate a complete stranger?
> Do you want to find a person's assets to collect a debt or judgement?
MIKE: Or how about theft?
> Would you like to check a person's criminal record before renting
> them space or giving them employment?
CROW: And why stop there? You can check on their skin colour, religion,
sexual orientation, and a host of other important facts about them.
> Would you like to fix up your credit bureau report, create a new
> identity or even disappear?
TOM: Fake your own death the fun and easy way! Perfect for those with
problems with creditors, relatives, or the law.
MIKE: Not to mention problems with big hulking guys who break thumbs.
> Are you going to have surgery?
TOM: We'll perform any operation for just $29.95!
> Would you like to know how many
> malpractice
> suits have been filed against your doctor?
MIKE: And if there aren't any, you can fake one! It's easy!
> Now you can learn all this plus much, much more
CROW: Can you learn the secrets of avoiding god-awful spam?
MIKE: No. That would be cheating.
TOM: And we wouldn't want to do that. No sir.
> with our
> brand new 45 page report
MIKE: Wow, all that in 45 pages! How do they do it?
CROW: Really small print.
> "INTERNET SLEUTH"!
MIKE: Where are the Hardy Boys when you need them?
> Learn the Internet tools and resources that are used to investigate you,
> your relatives, friends, neighbors, enemies, employees or anyone else!
CROW: Like your favourite actors and actresses.
TOM: Singers and comedians!
CROW: Friendly little puppy dogs.
TOM: Girl Scouts.
CROW: All these and more are open for your exploitation!
> We will give you thousands of Internet locations to look up
TOM: Keeping you out of the basement so we can tunnel into the bank
next door. Oh, wait - this would work the other way around, wouldn't
it?
> people,
MIKE: Are spammers people too?
> credit, social security, current or past employment, driving records,
> criminal records, medical information, military records, addresses,
> phone numbers, immigration, divorce, labor and criminal laws!
CROW: And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Using our amazing
Internet search techniques, you'll also be able to find kooks,
crackpots, a wide assortment of geeks and nerds, conspiracy theories,
misinformation, hate groups, pirated software, and porn!
> We will also give you sources to find missing children and parents,
> hazardous waste sites,
TOM: Tragically, these two items often overlap.
MIKE: Parents: don't let your kids play near hazardous waste sites.
> how to do Freedom of Information Act information
> searches, how to do skip tracing and backround checks on prospective
> dates,
CROW: Oh, good, now Mother won't have to check out all your girlfriends
for you.
> brides or grooms,
MIKE: Here's a handy tip, folks - if you feel the need to do a
background check on your fiancee... you're probably not ready.
> employees, renters, vendors, new clients and
> competitors!
MIKE: Victims. You forgot victims.
> You will also learn about and where to get surveillance and spy devices,
CROW: Hey, can I get one of those cool gadgets like Bond has?
MIKE: Which one?
CROW: Any one!
> private mail forwarding and annonymous email forwarding sites,
MIKE: [nervous] Hi, I'm Mike and, uh, I'm an email forwarder.
BOTS: Hi, Mike!
> search
> for copyrights, patents and court cases
TOM: Hey, what are those doing here! Those are legal!
> and how to make your
> assets untraceable!
TOM: That's BETTER!
> We will show you how to get copies of
> credit reports, adoption databases, information on drugs,
> poisons
CROW: ...knives, axes, chainsaws, and all those other little goodies
that every young psycho needs.
> and how to get your share of government programs and benefits!
MIKE: [wheezing] All's I want is my fair share!
> Can you find this information by using the Internet Search Engines?
MIKE: Good God, I hope not!
> The answer is MAYBE
CROW: All that for MAYBE?
TOM: I am so disappointed. For shame.
> if you get lucky and if you want to spend many
> hours going through 25,000 plus hits per subject!
CROW: Hit me.
TOM: 19
CROW: Again.
TOM: On a 19?
CROW: I'm going for 25,000 cards under.
> We and our staff
> have spent hundreds of hours and many thousands of dollars
CROW: ...at the track, watching as our hopes and dreams stumble and fall
just before the finish line, with nothing to show for it but the gutter
slime that clings to our boots as we trudge home to a cheerless meal of
cold wieners and bitterness.
TOM: That's right, folks, it's not pretty. We've got nowhere else to
go from here but down. So please, please, please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
buy this trash! It's our last chance to claw our way up into solvency!
> compiling
> this information for you! Now you can have it on a silver platter
> for LESS THAN TEN BUCKS during this special email promotion!
MIKE: Now, I don't know about the information, but I figure a silver
platter has got to be worth at least ten bucks on its own.
TOM: How can you lose?
> You frequently hear over the media, television, radio, the newspapers,
CROW: Yeah, I hear a LOT over the newspapers.
> how personal information is being used, traded and
> sold over the Internet...usually without your permission or knowledge.
> Our report will show you HOW IT IS DONE!!!
MIKE: Yeah, show us how it's done! We want in on this!
> Would you like to find that old romantic flame...
CROW: You know, the one who got you the restraining order?
> find telephone,
> address or email information on almost anyone...even unlisted
> phone numbers?
TOM: ESPECIALLY unlisted phone numbers.
CROW: Yeah, the rest of that's all on record somewhere - so what's the
point?
> How about your family "tree"?
MIKE: Apparently this guy's family tree isn't a real "tree".
TOM: What, is yours?
MIKE: Well, at least mine has branches.
TOM: Huh?
> We will teach
> you how to turn years of work into hours of fun!
TOM: Ah, time well spent. Good return on investment there.
MIKE: Now, HOURS of work for YEARS of fun, on the other hand...
> Military?
CROW: No thanks, I just ate.
> Check Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine records.
> extensive Vietnamese war records, MIA info, much more!
MIKE: Finally, a list so long they had to cut it off.
TOM: We can try to finish it for you, if you want.
MIKE: [horrified] NO!
> Looking for a job? Find the job you are seeking...even in another state
> or another country! We will teach you how!
TOM: Want to live easy without working? We'll show you how to steal
credit card numbers, set up phone scams, bilk innocent old ladies, lie,
cheat, and steal! Oodles of examples will have you up and swindling in
no time!
> Looking for a new love interest or spouse or even sex partner?
CROW: No, no sex, thanks - I just wanna get married.
> We will show you where to look for fast results!
TOM: And when you get picked up by the vice squad, we'll show you where
the best crooked lawyers can be found!
> Want up-to-the-minute health and medical information? Learn how to
> cure fears and phoebias, the latest drugs and treatments for almost
> any ailment or desease from the drug companies themselves as well as
> from universities and the Center for Desease Control. Want to learn
> the most effective way to loose weight? It's all here in our report!
MIKE: Okay, so you've got a winner here. We get it.
TOM: You don't have to make it a miracle cure too. Don't you think
that's going just a little bit overboard?
> If you believe that the information compiled about you should be as
> available to you as to the people that compile it about you without
> your knowledge or permission than you must order "THE INTERNET
> SLEUTH REPORT" immediately!
TOM: Wow. Now that... That was twisted.
MIKE: So if you think that you should know what they know that you
know...
> Our "INTERNET SLEUTH REPORT" is normally sold by direct mail for
> $39.95 and will soon be in book stores for $29.95. However, to
> generate publicity and "get the word out" we are making this
> 10 day Email Special Offer of our Complete 45 Page Report for
> only $9.95 plus $3 for shipping and handling [total $12.95].
> Sold with our 10 Day Money Back Guarantee!
TOM: And if you act now, we'll throw in "Blackmail for Dummies"
absolutely FREE!
> This is the biggest bargain on the Internet and the information it
> will give to you will give you great power!
CROW: Power over the hearts and minds of your enemies?
TOM: Well... Yes!
CROW: Now that's what I like to hear!
> It can really change your
> life in a positive way.
TOM: It's the most positive you can get without using crystals.
> Order Now!
MIKE: And if you don't... WE'LL KNOW!
> The Complete 45 page "INTERNET SLEUTH REPORT" only $9.95 plus
> $3 shipping and handling - total $12.95. Shipped in plain wrapper
TOM: Containing microfilament threads which will take pictures of you
when you open it and beam them back to our orbiting satellite!
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: C'mon, it sounds cool!
> by First Class Mail.
CROW: For First Class Morons.
> Add $5 for priority mail delivery. Add $20 for overnight Express!
CROW: And another $20 for "insurance". Don't forget: once you order, we
know where you live.
> We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover.
MIKE: So just send us your card number, and we promise we won't do
anything illegal with it.
> We can also accept your check by phone or Fax.
TOM: Do you accept cash by fax?
> You may order by phone 9 am to 10 pm [NY Time] by phoning
> [718] 287-9633
CROW: Operators are standing by to trace your call.
> You may order by fax 24 hours per day by phoning our fax line at
> [718] 462-7528
TOM: But please... no personal calls for the fax machine.
> You can fax your credit card information or your check
MIKE: Hell, fax us whatever you want - its not like we'll be giving you
anything for it anyway.
> To Email your order - DO NOT HIT REPLY ON YOUR KEYBOARD
CROW: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Hitting REPLY could be the end of
civilization as we know it!
TOM: Say, Mike, have you ever seen a computer with a REPLY key?
MIKE: Yeah, its right next to the ANY key.
TOM: Ohhhh....
> Send email to our special email address below:
MIKE: It's not just any old email address. It's special.
CROW: Oops, typo. That should be "lowlife".
> [Note: If you order by email and do not receive an email confirmation
> within
> 24 hours,
CROW: Then we've packed up and moved on. See ya.
> please phone our office at 718-287-9633]
TOM: Because we need more information on you before we do business with
you. Nothing personal - we do that to everybody.
> You can also order by mail by sending $12.95 cash, check, money order
> or major credit card [Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover] to
> International Network
> 951 Coney Island Ave., Suite 112
> Brooklyn, NY 11230
MIKE: Hah! Wonder how long that address will last.
> Make Checks & Money Orders Payable to International Network
> New York State Residents Please Add 85 cents for Sales Tax
CROW: So, uh... Is this the title of something?
> The Following Order Form is for Your Convenience!
> Use it by Mail, Fax or Email!
MIKE: Just so long as you use it!
>.............................................................................
>
> Please ship me ________copies of the INTERNET SLEUTH Report
CROW: That'd be "NO" copies.
> at $9.95 each plus $3.00 for shipping and handling [$12.95]
MIKE: Plus a five-dollar finder's fee.
> Signature______________________________________________
>
> Ship to: Name_________________________________________
>
> Address________________________________________________
>
> City________________________State___________Zip________
>
> Area Code and Home Phone [ ]___________________________
>
> Fax # [ ]______________________________________________
>
> Email Address___________________________________________
TOM: Yes-siree, that's an order form.
MIKE: And a mighty fine one, too. It's so well laid out.
TOM: So clean, so ordered.
CROW: So convenient, even.
> To remove your name from our mailing list, send us an email with
> remove in the subject line. This is a one time offer and you
> should not hear from us again!
CROW: Because we'll be rotting our sorry carcasses in jail.
> International Network,
> 951 Coney Island Ave., Suite 112, Brooklyn, NY 11230
TOM: Also found wherever fine charlatans lurk.
> Office [718] 287-9633 Fax [718] 462-7528 24 hours
> [9am to 10pm NY Time]
MIKE: Twenty-four hours, and then they're gone. Taking your cheque,
cash, Visa or whatever it is you faxed them.
TOM: Say, Mike? Can we fax them something nice? Like a letter bomb?
MIKE: I don't think that will work.
TOM: Damn.
> [c] Copyright 1998 International Network
> All Rights Reserved.
MIKE: Except, of course, for the right to privacy.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
MIKE: Well, Crow, you were right about that last post.
CROW: I dunno, Mike. It was /sinister/, but it didn't really expose
things like I'd hoped.
MIKE: It pointed to the existence of a network secretly trading
information about innocent people and tracking them without their
knowledge. What more do you want?
TOM: A glimmer of intelligence, maybe? It would be nice to know that
the people wielding this all-encompassing power were competent!
MIKE: I guess you're right. Let's see what Pearl's been up to while we
were in there.
[VW. PEARL is sitting in shadow, wearing a large black hat that hides
her face, Carmen Sandiego style. She is talking to a screen, but we
cannot see what is on it.]
PEARL: All right, then. I'll trade you twenty minutes of videotape of
Crow and a point-form summary of Mike's personal habits. In return, I
get three pages of my choice from David Bowie's personal mail. Deal?
Good. Pleasure doing business with you.
[PEARL suddenly notices MIKE and the BOTS.]
PEARL: Mike! What a pleasant surprise! I was just, uh... I was...
talking to an old friend. Uh... Observer!
[OBSERVER shuffles in.]
PEARL: Wipe their memories! I don't want them to ever remember what
they just saw!
OBSERVER: Oh... Messing around in primitive minds always makes me feel
nauseous...
[He stares at the screen, directly towards the camera]
OBSERVER: You... will... SLEEP!
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
MSTed by Joe Mason (jcm...@uwaterloo.ca), June 1998.
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains.
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