[MISTED] Q-Force part 3 of 3.
Kaplan
>
> Vader led his prisoner through the hallway of the Imperial
>palace on Coruscant. His prisoner looked up at him, "You don't have
>to do this."
CROW (as Vader): But I want to! It's fun!
> Vader said nothing but pushed him toward the doors of the
>throne room.
TOM (as Luke): AIIIIIIEEEE! My nose! Open the door next time!
> The royal Imperial guards parted to allow Darth Vader and Luke
>Skywalker to enter the Emperor's throne room.
MIKE: Thus proving that Luke is Moses.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Well, the Guards dress in red, and they parted...
CROW: A conspiracy! I knew it!
> The doors closed behind them, leaving them apparently alone in
>the enormous throne room.
CROW (as David Attenborough): However, unseen by them, there is
an invisible man, lurking behind them in, it's natural habitat.
MIKE: I think that Attenborough and Shatner would have got along well.
>A large chair at the far end of the room slowly turned to face the pair.
CROW (as Luke): Duhhh... how does that chair turn by itself?
>Vader pushed Luke toward the chair. "Welcome young Skywalker, I have
>been expecting you," the emperor spoke in a raspy voice as he revolved
>into view.
TOM (as Emperor, spinning): Ummmm... how do you stop this thing
then?
> When Luke looked at him uncertainly, the Emperor continued. "I have felt
>a disturbance in the Force. I told Vader to bring you to me."
MIKE: And he did it! Isn't he a good boy?
>He smiled and
>beckoned lazily with his hand. "You will no longer be needing
>these." Luke's shackles fell to the floor."
CROW: So this scene is going to be copied from Return of the Jedi?
TOM: That would be good actually.
MIKE (whispers): Q!
BOTS scream.
> "He was armed only with this." Vader held up Luke's
>lightsaber.
TOM: It bounces off...
MIKE: Tom, I warned you....
> Vader gave the weapon to his master.
TOM (as Torgo): tHe MasTeR...
MIKE: No. It brings back bad memories.
TOM: You haven't seen it, though.
MIKE: You remember that last month you guys were turned off for a day?
During that ion storm?
BOTS: Yes.
MIKE: I... asked Pearl.. what the fuss with Manos was about.
BOTS wince, so far as they can wince.
> "Thank-you, Darth Vader. You may leave us now." Vader bowed
> and left the room, leaving Luke and the Emperor alone. The Emperor
>looked at the lightsaber and placed it on his arm rest.
CROW: Unfortunately, he left it on and accidentally sliced off his arm.
>"You have grown strong in the Force. Now I can finish your training
>and you can stand by your father as third in command."
MIKE: Oooh.. Tarkin won't be pleased. He went through years of
military
training to become third in command.
> "My father?"
> "Yes," the Emperor's smile grew larger, "Vader is your father."
MIKE (as Luke): NOOOOO! I'll never join you! (beat) That wasn't
meant to be how I found that out...
> "That's a lie! Vader killed my father."
> "Is that what Ben told you?" the Emperor shook his head in
>mocked regret
> "He didn't trust you with the truth."
TOM: Considering how clumsy he is, I'm not surprised.
MIKE: He'd probably break it.
> "It's not true!"
> "Yes. Let the hate grow in you. Feel the power of the Dark
> side."
CROW (as Emperor): You hate me because I've told you the truth!
Admit it!
> Luke fought his emotions and swallowed his anger. "You'll
>never turn me to the Dark side," Luke paused.
MIKE (as Luke): George, what's the next line? I've forgotten AGAIN!
> "And with the plans we stole, your Death Star will soon be
>history."
CROW: And geography!
> The Emperor laughed, "Oh I'm sure that my battle station is
>quite safe from your puny rebellion." The emperor glanced at his arm
>rest and read a report that appeared on his tiny screen.
MIKE (as Emperor): Darn. Microsoft shares went down this morning.
>"In fact, I've just received word that the moon at Yavin has been destroyed."
>Luke's face contorted in shock, and the Epmeror showed mock concern.
>"Oh, I'm sorry. They were your friends, weren't they."
ALL (as Luke): Didn't care about them anyway.
> Hatred grew in Luke, and he looked at his lightsaber laying
>next to the Emperor. "Yes. I am helpless. Take your weapon.
>Strike me down with it. Then your journey to the Dark side will be
>complete.
MIKE (as Emperor): No, wait, I tell a lie, the way to complete your
journey to the Dark Side is to go straight for 100 miles and left at
Redmond.
> Luke turned away, resisting the temptation. "It appears that two
>ships survived. A lone X-wing, and a Corellian freighter." He
>paused. "Oh never mind. I guess not."
TOM: It was just a speck of dust on the screen! My bad!
> Luke turned and his lightsaber leaped into his hand. Igniting
>it, he raised his weapon above the helpless Emperor. No, he
>thought.
MIKE (as Luke): If I kill him now, there won't be any more movies
and I'll be out of a job.
>He deactivated his lightsaber and threw it to the floor. "You have
>failed. I will not turn to the Dark side."
TOM: I'll work for Apple instead.
> The smile disappeared from the Emperor's face. "So be it. If
>you will not join us, then you will die." He stood and sparks flew
>out of his fingers, assailing Luke as he stumbled back down the
>steps and fell to the floor.
CROW: What, no climactic duel scene? No opportunity for stunts,
action music, and one last bunch of lines for James Earl Jones?
Lucas would turn in his grave, except that he's still alive.
> Luke felt his flesh burning as the lightning tore into him.
>The onslaught came in repeated, concentrated bursts.
TOM: As opposed to an onslaught that came just once, and lightly at
that?
> Suddenly the
>onslaught stopped. Luke looked up at the Emperor as he raised his
>hands above his head a final time. "Now young Skywalker, you will
>die," the Emperor said matter-of-factly. Luke lay helpless on the
>floor writhing in pain.
CROW (stage whisper): Luke- you can get up now. The take's over.
MIKE (as Luke): I had some BAAAAD mushrooms.
>As the Emperor's fingers began to spark, Luke felt himself become
>flooded with a new sense of power. Luke couldn't identify the
>source of this power, but it filled him with a new energy.
TOM: Flooded with new power, and filled with new energy.
MIKE: The redundant sentence, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, female children and male children.
>Everything slowed down. The lightning approached Luke,
CROW: It was recruiting for the CIA.
>but he was filled with this new strength and was able to roll away and avoid
>it. The lightning struck the floor where Luke had just been lying.
CROW: Tell the truth next time!
>The Emperor stopped and looked at Luke with a new respect. "It
>appears I have underestimated your power. Though it matters not"
MIKE: It appears that the Emperor is channelling Yoda.
> He unleashed another flurry of electricity at Luke.
> Luke was ready and called his lightsaber to him to block the
>lightning. As he blocked the bolts, Luke could sense the lightning as it
>surged toward him. Not knowing how he was able to do it, Luke
>collected the lightning on his blade.
MIKE: I know how you did it- it's a thing called creative license!
TOM: Isn't there restrictions to getting one of those?
MIKE: Sadly, no.
> When the collected energy had reached an enormous amount,
> he hurled it back at the Emperor. The returning bolts tore into the
>Emperor's arm, severing at the shoulder. The Emperor fell back into his
>chair, all power gone.
MIKE: He's 'armless!
>Luke lowered his weapon. "You cannot defeat the Light side of the
>Force," Luke said to the fallen Emperor.
TOM: Except if it's represented by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
>As the life drained from the Emperor, Luke shut down his lightsaber.
> Applause came from the corner of the room and Luke spun to
> face the sound. "Bravo. Bravo." Q emerged from the shadows.
>"Good show, Luke. Good show. Truly the Light side is invincible as you
>say."
CROW (British officer): Jolly good show, Skywalker! Jolly good!
That taught the blighter a thing or two! That really showed him
what's what, wot wot?
> Luke was puzzled to hear the heavy sarcasm in his voice, but
> he was more puzzled with regard to the surge of power he had felt
>during the battle.
CROW (as Luke): Gee, it couldn't be to do with this weird stranger
who's just appeared, could it?
>Luke tried to examine his new found strength,
>but it was nondescribable. He was certain at the time he had obtained it
>that it was the power of the Force but now he was uncertain.
MIKE: Like that's unusual.
>As if the stranger could read his thoughts, he answered
>Luke's unspoken question. "No, Luke. It is not the Force. And now
>I must take it back, for the Emperor has learned his lesson."
TOM (as Q): He can add 2 and 2 and not get 5!
> He made a hand gesture. He made it again. "Give them back!" he
>screamed.
MIKE: Give who back?
TOM: We don't want who back. We have a new first baseman.
> A light saber appeared in Q's hand, and he charged Luke.
CROW (as Q): Luke, you are charged with intent to commit incest.
> "Give them back to me!" Luke was unsure exactly what he was
>talking about, but he knew that he had to act or be cut in half.
TOM: And considering his acting talent, being cut in half would be
the only option.
> Luke ignited his lightsaber and blocked the blow. Luke found
>that the stranger had incredible power, and he was obviously very
>mad at Luke about something.
TOM (as Q): This is for SeaQuest, Hamill!
>They fought, sabers clashing and sparking violently.
CROW: Ah yes- the duel scene. I knew it'd be here somewhere.
MIKE: You think we can just sit back and enjoy?
BOTS: Nope.
>As Luke fought he felt constricted by the
>flight suit he was wearing. Almost before he thought it, his flight
>suit was replaced by a loose black jumpsuit and a flowing robe, much
>more comfortable.
MIKE: The comfy robe!
> Luke was forced against a wall by the furious onslaught of his
>adversary. As his back touched the cold stone, he wished the wall
>wasn't there, and it simply disappeared.
TOM: And next he'll think of wishing Q not to be there?
> They fought into the hallway and attracted the attention of
>several palace guards.
CROW: It took a while, but enough calls of "Yoo whoo!" will get
anyone's attention.
>"Freeze you two!" Q, not letting up on his attack,
>nodded toward the guards. Luke glanced over at them as he ducked a
>high swing.
TOM: Only to get caught by the low slide.
>He saw that the guards had taken their own command
>seriously and stood frozen as statues of ice.
MIKE: I don't think he can talk about Picard's sense of humour.
> While Luke was crouched he swung
>his saber at the legs in front of him. As his blade made contact
>with Q's knee, Q's legs disappeared, and Luke's lightsaber passed
>harmlessly through the void under Q's hovering torso.
TOM: Luke's lightsaber was not hurt at all!
>Luke's momentum made him roll sideways. Luke rolled an extra couple
>meters and came up and faced his enemy. Q had regained his legs
MIKE (announcer): And Q has regained the legs! He's running with
them! He's nearly to the line! And he's tackled! He's lost the
legs!
> and charged Luke.
TOM (as Q): You again? This time you're up for assault with a
deadly weapon. How do you plead?
MIKE (as Luke): Not guilty.
TOM (as Q): Take him away. I sentence him to staying in this
fanfic.
> Luke raised his lightsaber to block the upcoming blow, but
>found that his hands were empty. His lightsaber had just disappeared. Q
>was now only a meter away. Luke leaped straight up through the
>ceiling,
CROW (as Luke): OUCH! My head!
>and Q stumbled past.
TOM (as Q): Hic! Where's that Luke? Hic! He stole my beer!
> Luke found himself standing on the roof of the palace with the
> night sky of Coruscant all around. Q came up through the roof
>looking around for Luke. When he found him he came charging
MIKE: ...Luke with malicious loitering.
TOM (as Q): You're before the court AGAIN?
> in a pose Luke found all to familiar. Luke still had no weapon and
>wished he was
CROW: ..back home in a hot tub.
>better in hand to hand combat. As if his wish was answered, he felt
>himself grow taller and his clothes were replaced with fur. He was a
>wookie.
ALL snicker.
>As Q came near, Luke kicked the handle of his lightsaber and Q
>lost his two handed hold on the weapon.
CROW: But with the remaining hand on the grip he swung it down and
cleaved Luke in two. The end.
> His right hand alone held the
>weapon, and it swung toward Luke from the side. Luke stepped inside
>the swing
TOM: Luke, this is not time to be having fun in the playground.
> and with a chop faster than Luke thought possible, he brought
>his arm down on Q's right arm and ripped it from his shoulder. Q
>fell to the roof with a scream and Luke removed the lightsaber from
>the now lifeless arm and resumed his normal form.
MIKE: Can that actually happen to Q? Can't he just burn Luke with a
thought, and then grow a new arm?
TOM: Maybe he'll do that?
MIKE: I hope so.
TOM: D'you think it'll happen?
MIKE: No.
>
> He stood over his fallen enemy unsure of what to do.
CROW: Well, you could try making sure he's dead, for a start. After
that, you might want to give some thought to escaping.
> "That will
>be quite enough." A voice came from the edge of the roof.
CROW (as Q): My god! It's Sailor Mercury!
TOM (as Luke): Ummm, you're, umm, female aren't you?
MIKE (as Amy): Yes.
TOM (as Luke): Wow. I've only ever seen one of those before.
>Luke saw a man he didn't recognise emerge from the blackness of night.
>Q also turned on the ground to look at the new arrival.
> "You!" Q yelled. "You . . . you helped him!"
MIKE (as Amy): Well, it was a hard choice- but he's marginally less
annoying than you are.
> "Of course I did. You didn't expect me to send you here and not
> keep an eye on you."
CROW (as Q): Well, actually I did.
> Luke looked at the two not understanding anything. "What's
>going on?"
>The new comer looked at him, "Don't worry you wont remember
>anything when this is over." He turned back to Q. "Humbled?"
TOM (as Q): I've humiliated a Grand Moff and a Dark Lord of the Sith
and an Emperor, and suffered a minor defeat at the hands of a human
while he had my power and I lacked most of mine so, yes, I feel
humbled.
> "Shut up."
CROW: Bite me.
> "I though so. I think it's time for you to return. You've done
>enough damage here." The new comer made a hand gesture.
CROW (as Luke): Don't give me the finger!
>
> "Luke. Use the Force. Let it guide your actions."
> Luke Skywalker, last of the Jedi Knights, reached over and
>switched off his targeting computer. As he raced down the trench, he
>grabbed his weapons control stick and closed his eyes. He saw the
>target in front of him: an exhaust port. He aimed with the Force,
>and at just the right time, he depressed the firing button.
MIKE: It's starting again...
TOM (sings): This is the fic that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and
on my friend....
> Two proton torpedoes sped straight and true into the exhaust
>port. Luke pulled his X-wing out of the trench right before the end
>and punched his sub-light engines. Moments later the Death Star
>erupted into a dazzling ball of flame.
>
CROW: And we're out of here!
[SOL]
Mike, Tom and Crow are wearing blindfolds. It looks like a set-up for a
firing squad. There is a narrow dark line across the screen- Cambot is
also
wearing a small blindfold.
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL (scornfully): You really think that those'll save you? I
can always cut off the oxygen until you take them off!
[SOL]
BOTS: We don't care! We can blindfold ourselves and you can do
nothing to stop us!
MIKE nudges them. This has no effect.
BOTS: Do your worst.
PEARL: Brain guy....
MIKE: Wait!
He pulls off his blindfold.
PEARL: The Olsen twins as well.
TOM: Mike, just borrow Q's power, and you can breathe! We'll be
free of Pearl!
MIKE: I can't do that!
CROW: Why?
MIKE: That only happens in fanfics, Crow!
CROW: Try anyway!
MIKE: You aren't the one who'll suffocate!
CROW: Bite me, Nelson.
[Castle Forrester]
Observer and Bobo enter, one behind the other. Bobo is carrying a 2
foot
thick pile of paper.
BOBO: My masterpiece!
PEARL (oblivious to Bobo) Brain Guy- take it away!
The pile of paper disappears, unnoticed by all except Bobo.
[SOL]
Time passes. More time passes. The screen splits, and the left half is
running ads. Did you know that you could join AOL for just $100 a
month plus your soul?
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: He's not turning blue yet- Brain Guy, why didn't you get rid
of all the air?
OBSERVER: I thought you meant to get rid of Bobo's fanfic.
PEARL (sweetly): You got rid of it?
OBSERVER nods.
PEARL (sweetly): Can you get it back?
OBSERVER: No.
PEARL starts screaming, and the credits start rolling.
-----------------------------------------
This MiSTing written by and copyright Rafael Kaplan. Except no
substitutes.
Original story by David A Pontier.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material and characters is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
This MSTing is not meant as an attack on the author, particularly since
he
was a good sport about this. In no way is any remark meant to be
offensive to any person, government or corporation.
Star Trek The Next Generation and all related characters and situations
are trademarks of and copyright Viacom. All rights reserved.
Star Wars and all related characters and situations are trademarks of
and copyright Lucasfilm. All rights reserved.
Sailor Mercury is a copyright of Naoko Takeuchi.
Final Fantasy and all related situations are trademarks of and copyright
Squaresoft.
MST3000 and all related charcters are copyright Best Brains Inc.
Thankyou
thankyou thankyou.
----------------------------
>As if his wish was answered, he felt himself grow taller and his clothes
>were replaced with fur. He was a wookie.