MSTed: "NEED CASH TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS? READ ON!" (4/4)
Matthew Stanislawski
[Part 4]
>6. And this is the step I like.
CROW: [Devilishly] It involves crack, chimps, and women's underwear!
MIKE: Crow T. Robot, you are OUT THERE!
>JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY LIFE
TOM: OH MY GOD HE'S SCREAMING AGAIN!
[Smoke starts coming out of Servo's body, then his head falls off.]
CROW: Oh, my God.
MIKE: Don't worry. Just a sec.
[Mike picks up Servo's head and plops it back on his body.]
TOM: Woo! Thanks, Mike!
>BECAUSE CASH IS ON ITS THE WAY!!
[Smoke starts erupting again.]
TOM: HERE WE GO AGAIN!
[Servo's head falls off...again. Mike sighs, and reattaches it.]
MIKE: You know, Tom, I had better not have to keep doing that for the
rest of the post.
TOM: I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.
>Expect to see a little money
MIKE: After Mommy starts coming home late, wearing a G-String.
>start to trickle in around 2 weeks,
TOM: Give or take INFINITY!
>but AT ABOUT WEEKS 3 & 4, THE MONEY STORM WILL HIT YOUR MAILBOX!!
TOM: Must...control...head!
[Smoke gathers in his globule]
>All you have to do is take it
MIKE: [Whitney Houston] Step by step!
[Tom is still breathing heavily, but cooling down]
>out of the mailbox and try not to scream too loud
CROW: [Pee-Wee Herman] 'Cuz Jambi's sleeping.
MIKE: You're the only one who understands me, Crow.
TOM: They're releasing old eps on video now, you know.
[Mike utters a "Ren & Stimpy"-esque squeal of delight and hugs the robots]
CROW: That was a sickening display, Mike Nelson.
TOM: Stay away from me.
>(outside anyway)
CROW: [Clears throat] Now, where were we?
>when you realize YOU HIT THE BIG TIME AT LAST!!
TOM: [Smoke gathering] Dammit, he really should cut that out.
MIKE: It's okay, Tom.
[Mike pats Servo's shoulder]
TOM: Don't touch me.
>7. So go PAY OFF YOUR BILLS AND DEBTS
TOM: That's it, now I'm going to kill someone.
>and then get that something special you always wanted
CROW: Like that limited edition Nena poster?
MIKE: [sings] ninety nine, luft balloons...
>or buy that special person in your life
>(or the one you want in your life)
CROW: [sigh] Oh, Adrienne...
>a gift they'll never forget.
MIKE: Or appreciate...
TOM: Just consider the source...
>ENJOY LIFE!
CROW: And that's relevant...how?
MIKE: Enjoy life! Choose Volvo.
TOM: Damn pro-lifers; so stupid, they can't even get their damn
slogan right.
MIKE: What is WITH you today?
>8. Now when you get low
CROW: [Cracker] Hey, hey, hey...like bein' stoned!
>on this money supply,
MIKE: [Gangster] Jus' you call me at 'dis number, an' I'll send Tony
an' Rizzo, an' they'll, shall we say, start you a business.
>simply re-activate this file again;
TOM: Clear!
>Reposting it in the old places
CROW: Those nooks and crannies you remember from your childhood...
>where you originally posted
TOM: [fogey] Now where DID I post that get-rich-quick scam?
>and possibly some new places you now know of.
MIKE: Oh, boy, could I tell you about some new places I now know of!
CROW: Don't wanna' know.
>Don't ever lose this file,
TOM: Remember: I'll Be Watching.
>always keep a copy at your reach for
MIKE: Emergencies, holidays, and special occasions.
>when you ever need cash.
CROW: Hmm, that would be...then, now, and later.
>THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE TOOL THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS RE-USE TIME AND TIME
>AGAIN WHEN CASH IS NEEDED!
TOM: MUST HE SCREAM TO GET THAT POINT OUT?!
MIKE: Tom, you're stooping to his level.
>Good luck and give this plan your all,
CROW: The force will be with you...always.
TOM: OK, Crow, just JUMP on the 'Star Wars' bandwagon!
>it will definitely pay off! HAVE FUN WITH IT!!!
MIKE: Oooohhh, you have no idea.
['Bots shift uncomfortably]
>*******************************************************************
>*******************************************************************
TOM: Look! Stars! I'm ready for my close-up, Raoul.
>THE NAMES LIST THE NAMES LIST THE NAME LIST
CROW: Woo-hoo! (Write this down...)
MIKE: This is gonna' be great! We've waited long enough.
TOM: Tell me if you know any of these guys.
>*******************************************************************
MIKE: The tension is overwhelming!
TOM: Drumroll, please...
>* HONESTY IS WHAT MAKES THIS PROGRAM SUCCESSFUL!!!
CROW: Dammit! Get to the friggin' point!
[deleted by author]
MIKE: What the---?
CROW: My...God.
TOM: Ohh, no. Nooooo, no. I waited WAY too long to get stiffed like that.
CROW: [chant] Nuts and bolts! Nuts and bolts!
[They all snap out of it as soon as Mike's jaw finally hits the floor.]
MIKE: Well, I guess that's it, right?
CROW: It had better be.
>****************************************************************
ALL: Damn.
>NOTE:
CROW: Life sucks.
TOM: Note to self: Kill self.
>Try to keep a list of everyone that sends you a dollar and
MIKE: Mail-bomb their house.
CROW: Send a cute little thank-you note...with a bomb inside, of course.
>always keep an eye on the local
TOM: Police.
MIKE: Yeah. They can be a real pain when they're doing their job.
CROW: [The Police] Every breath you take...Every buck you make...
>postings of this file...Just to make sure that everyone is playing
>the game fairly.
CROW: Like that's the real reason.
TOM: "Just to make sure..." Mmm-hmm.
>You know where your name should be.....
MIKE: You know it, I know it, the American people know it...
>AGAIN, HONESTY IS THE BEST THING WE HAVE GOING FOR US ON THIS PLAN.
TOM: I'm just gonna' shut up this time, OK?
MIKE: You know, if we were to have honesty, it would be the ONLY thing
we'd have going for us.
>SEND YOUR $1 TO ALL THE ABOVE PEOPLE
TOM: Nope. Not gonna' say a word.
CROW: Aw hell, just send me a twenty.
>AND THEN FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS PROVIDED TO START
>RECEIVING MONEY YOURSELF.
TOM: Yep. Just gonna' sit here, real quiet-like, while he screams his
head off.
>Thank you for your support.
>
>--
>Sacha Dhainaut
MIKE: Phew!
CROW: Let's go!
>** By the way,
ALL: D'OH!
>if you try to deceive people by posting the messages
>with your name in the list and not sending the money to the people
>already included,
CROW: You will do much, much better!
>you will not get much.
TOM: Hmm, how do you figure?
>I know someone who did this and only got about $150
MIKE: Oh, the poor, poor soul. He must have invested, what, six bucks?!
>(and that's after two months).
CROW: But they were two months of anguish, pain, and agony!
>Then he sent the 5 bills, people added him to their lists,
>and in 4-5 weeks he had over $10000!
TOM: Yes, forgiven and absolved of all his sins by the Postal God.
>All the lists are re-distributed as soon as the money is received.
MIKE: [Pause] OK, now we're out of here.
TOM: That was quite a disappointment.
CROW: So...did you write all that down?
[Doors-1234567]
MIKE: So, Servo, what did you think of that piece?
TOM: Well, it just amazes me how many people actually fall for that
kind of stuff. I mean, we're supposed to be smarter than that.
We should know that there's no way anybody's going to get any
significant amount. It's just a waste of time. What does he take
us for, idiots?
[Crow is writing something on a slip of paper.]
CROW: Here's...your...dollar...Sacha.....You...earned...it.....Crow.
[Mike grabs the dollar and the envelope out of Crow's hands.]
MIKE: Give me that! What are you thinking?
CROW: Mike, did you hear what the guy said? Over ten thousand dollars!
TOM: Geez, I thought you were smarter than that...ah, never mind.
[Crow stomps away]
CROW: [Mumble] Some people...sheesh.
MIKE: Some of us never learn...Well, what do you think, sirs?
[D13]
DR. F: Well, KC, I hope you got the point of today's experiment.
FRANK: Yes, friends, devotion is a good thing, and will make you a lot
of money.
DR. F: See?
[SoL]
MIKE: Actually, sir, we kind of learned the opposite.
TOM: We now are of the opinion that people with this much time on their
hands most probably have no life, no friends, and no future.
MIKE: And are seldom rewarded.
[D13]
DR. F: [Visually disappointed] Of course, Robin. That's what I
meant to say.
FRANK: So, Steve, I guess you won't be telling them that this experiment
is symbolic of your emotional struggle to be accepted in a world
that rejects mad scientists like ourselves, but you're confident
that you will succeed and finally take over the world and make
thousands of dollars in the process?
DR. F: [hiding embarrassment] No, I don't think I will. Just--[emotional]
--just push the button, Frank.
* * *
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***0***
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* * *
* * *
[fwooosh]
DR. F: (sniffle)
Everything by Matthew Edward "Ratt" "Rathieu" "BPG" "Don Juan" "Stan"
"Stanley" Stanislawski I, Esquire
<ma...@ripco.com>
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and the kitchen sink are copyright 1996 Best Brains, Inc. This MiSTing
is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone but me. This is not
intended as an attack on anyone (Mexicans, coffee-drinkers, postal
workers, law-enforcement officers, etc.) except those who participate
in these sorts of scams. You may distribute this article freely, as long
as everything in it (including this notice) remains intact.
Ripco BBS Chicago Call now for a free trial membership 773-665-0065
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