MiSTed: Nothing Beats Energy Release!

[Shadoc64]

This is a misting that my sister Lockheed98 wrote. I contributed a couple of
riffs (I'm sure anybody who knows me will spot the Daria reference).

(Season 8 Titles)

Doors 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, rat!

Mike, Servo and Crow are in their normal positions.

Mike: Hi everyone, I'm Mike Nelson, This is Tom Servo and that's Crow.

Crow: T. Robot.

Mike: And this is Ted.

(Crow and Servo): Ted?!?

Mike pulls a "robot" on screen. It is obviously one of those leaping dogs, with
a cardboard box on it's back with a small tape recorder sellotaped on. One of
Servo's spare domes is on the head.

Mike: Ted. It's your new robot friend. (He notices the bots are staring at it.)
Don't you like him?

Servo: That's my dome.

Mike: Well, you have others. Ted only has one.

Servo continues staring at it. Crow turns to Mike.

Crow: What does it do, exactly Mike?

Mike: He talks.

Both bots stare at Ted. After a bit of silence they get bored.

Crow: Well?

Mike: Oh. (He presses a button on the tape recorder)

Ted (In Mike's voice): Woof woof woof I'm called Ted.

Crow: Mike? It sucks.

Servo: It's my dome. And it's all covered in Ted blood.

Mike: No it isn't.

Servo: Have to remedy that then.

Commercial sign.

Back in SOL

Gypsy, Servo and Crow are standing around Ted.

Gypsy: Actually, I kinda like him.

Crow: Gypsy, it's made of the sort of things you'd be ashamed to take to a yard
sale.

Servo: Except my dome.

Crow: Yeah. We're made of prime materials. We're fireproof and we never...
rarely... break, or explode.... well, okay, we do explode. Well, Servo does.
I'm normal.

Servo: Normal? Crow, even you admit you're insane.

Crow: Well, Gypsy's fine.

They both look at Gypsy, then, once again, return to Ted.

Servo: He dies soon. Oh, so soon.

Mad's light flashes

Mike enters.

Mike: Hey guys. Oh, Pearl's calling.

Widowmaker. Pearl is driving, and Observer and Bobo are fighting in the
background. Pearl shakes her head. Observer hits Bobo, and his glasses fall off
into Observer's brain.

Observer: Ouch, my brain..... My brain...

Bobo lunges for his glasses, but Observer also pulls his brain away. Bobo gets
Observer's brain, while he gets Bobo's glasses.

(Observer and Bobo): Ha! I got your... (They notice what is in the other's
hands) Oh.

Pearl: (While she speaks, they keep snatching at the other's prize) Well, at
least that shut them up. Today Nelson, you'll be reading a bunch of spam I
found on Usenet. It's.... well, I don't know what it's like, I don't have to
sit through it. Ha!

Sol

Servo: Thanks a lot, Pearl.

Ted barks, then backflips. He falls onto his side, then off the table.

Servo: Ha!

Mike picks up Ted and places him back on the table. Crow nudges him off again.

(Servo and Crow): Ha!

Mike picks him up again.

Movie sign.

Mike: Oh great, now we have spam sign.

Doors rat, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

>Subject: Nothing Beats Energy Release!
>From: <mye...@any.where.com>
>Date: Wed, Jun 17, 1998 7:34 am

Mike walks in carrying Ted. Crow nudges Servo over the grate, but Ted is in
Servo's place. Servo waits, then hovers down onto Ted. There is a crunching
sound.

Mike: Ted!

He picks up Ted and sits with him on his knee.

>
>We offer our whole family of effective,

Servo: Destructive,

Crow: Sucky,

Mike: Highly flammable,

>environmentally friendly,

Crow: They're only *slightly* radioactive.

Ted barks.

(Servo and Crow) : Shut up, Ted!

>cost-efficient products.
>To find more about Energy Release, please visit our web site:
>http://home.inreach.com/tms/energy_release/index.html
>ORDER Energy Release TODAY!
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
---->---

Crow: We're waiting, spammers.

>ER Antifriction Metal Conditioner

Servo: Hey, does that mean George Clooney is going to be in this spam?

>
>The original true antifriction metal conditioner, Energy Release has been the
talk of >race car drivers since

Mike: Since it caused a 12 car pile up in '93.

>its introduction by Entech Corporation in 1987. Today, it's used by more world
>champions than any other

Crow: Brand of fuzzy dice.

> metal
>conditioner.

Servo: What I want to know is if you can get it in anti dandruff.....

Crow: Or if there's a matching shampoo.

>
>New help for an age-old problem

Mike: How to make fire.

>Friction between moving metal parts is harmful to an engine. Though they may
appear >smooth, metal surfaces
>are actually quite rough,

Crow: Is he saying we're like giant cheesegraters or something?

> microscopically, and friction between them produces heat
>and wear. Lubricants slow
>the process of wear, but can't stop it. Excessive heat breaks down a
lubricant's >protective film, allowing metal-to-metal
>contact.

Crow opens his mouth, but Mike clamps it shut.

Mike: Just no, okay?

> This results in oil-bone particles which act as a grinding compound,
>accelerating wear.
>Most additives attempt to deal with the problem of friction from the outside,
by >increasing oil viscosity or by coating
>the metal

Servo: In a chocolatey paste. Mmmm-mmmm.

>. But that's only a temporary solution. Energy Release, however, attacks
>friction from the inside, by dealing
>with the metal surfaces themselves.
>
>Energy Release treats the metal, not the oil
>The first true antifriction metal conditioner, Energy Release (commonly known
as ER) >works on an entirely
>different principle than oil additives. Not an oil or lubricant, ER
incorporates a

Ted barks.

Servo: Will you shut up! (Muttering) Stupid Ted.

>heat-activated chemical technology
>that actually modifies the molecular structure of ferrous metal surfaces. ER
mixes >readily with petroleum and synthetic
>lubricants - oils, greases, hydraulic fluids - and is carried to head and
pressure >points. ER seals rough pores,

Crow: You cannot see my pores! My pores are cute, my pores are tiny! Oh my God,
they've been-

Mike: Okay, that's enough.

>smoothing metal surfaces without changing tolerances. As a result, friction is
>dramatically reduced (more then 400%!), heat is kept in check. Metal wear
decreases, >and that helps extend engine life.
>
>Take your car, truck, ATV, boat or tractor to a new level of performance
>With less friction and less heat being generated, your engine benefits in many
ways >from Energy Release.
>For openers, you get easier cold starts.

Mike: Now, there is definately *something* wrong with that sentence.

> You experience increased torque and more
>horsepower, too.
>Most users also realize better gas mileage and longer oil life.

All: What?!?

>That's not all. As a
>universal additive, Energy Release
>can be used with virtually any lubricant, from A/C compressor oil to engine
oil, power >steering fluid, transmission
>fluid and differential oil.

Mike: Indifferential oil wasn't bothered, so they left him out.

> Now you can take advantage of ER's superior metal
>conditioning abilities throughout your
>car. Your truck. Your ATV. Your boat.

Servo: Row, row, row your boat- (Ted barks, then Servo Mutters) You die *very*
soon, Ted.

> Your tractor. Your chainsaw.

Crow: Now you're talking!

> Even your air
>conditioner.
>
>Safe, inexpensive and easy to use
>Energy Release not only works better than other additives, it's better for the
>environment, too.
>ER is non-toxic and nonflammable.

Mike: As long as you don't hold a match up to it....

> It contains none of the fortifiers commonly found
>in other additives.
>There are no petroleums in ER. No Teflon*. No metals. No moly, graphite, or
zinc. >Better still, a little ER goes a
>long way.

Servo: It sure will if we ever get hold of it.

>It takes just two ounces, poured into the crankcase, per quart of motor oil
>initially, then only one ounce
>per quart thereafter. You can treat your engine for less than the price of one
fill-up at >gas station, or treat your whole
>car for about $25 -

Mike: After use, medical fees are about $25000.....

>all without risk, because ER comes with an unconditional
>money-back guarantee.
>
>Drive with the additive world champions swear by

Servo: (World Champion) This is c**p!

>Energy Release was first developed to reduce friction, heat and wear in
>high-performance engines.

Crow: But since it failed miserably...

>Today, more world champion car and boat racers rely on ER than any other
additive. >And now it's available
>to anyone who drives. For championship performance every day,

Servo: Get a licence, people. Jeeze.

> try ER in your vehicle.
>And you'll soon discover
>why nothing beats Energy Release.
>
>*Teflon is registered trademark of Dupont for PTFE products.
>
>ORDER ER TODAY!

Crow: IF YOU HAVE NO SHAME!

They exit the theater, MIke once again carrying Ted. Crow helps Servo out.

Doors 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, rat!

Servo is alone, pouring gasoline on Ted. Ted is surrounded with coal and wood,
like a big bonfire. When there is no gas left, he chuckles.

Servo: Heheheh. Needs something else, though... Ah!

He goes off screen and comes back with a bottle of ER.

Servo: Non-flammable? Let's find out.

He pours a generous amount onto Ted.

Mike returns with Crow.

Servo: Oh, hi Mike! Got a match?

The Mads light starts flashing.

Mike: Sure, here..... (He notices Ted) Wait! Servo, what are you doing?

Servo: Oh, erm, Ted... I was making a barbecue for him. Yeah, that's it, a
barbecue! You're invited, if you want...

Mike: Sure! What are you serving?

Servo: Let's just say it'll be.... different.

Crow: Pearl's calling.

Widowmaker. Bobo and Observer are tied to their seats with masking tape.

Observer: Are we there yet?

Pearl sighs.

Pearl: Well Nelson, what did you think of your spam?

SOL

Crow: It stank!

Servo: (Leaning over Ted-bonfire) Sure does... phew.

Widowmaker

Pearl: Well, you're not in the green yet. I've got another one here, and I
can't wait to use it. (She suddenly peers at the screen) What *is* Art doing?

SOL

Crow is chewing Ted. Mike looks down.

Mike: Crow! (He snatches Ted off him)

Crow: What? We'll be eating him later anyway at Servo's cook-out. Besides, he
tastes really good. Like some kind of conditioner....

Spam sign

Mike: I'll talk to you later..... Just a second, eating him at... Servo!

Doors rat, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Servo and Crow enter first, and Servo gets his seat. Mike holds Ted again.

>Subject: Free NewsTherapy, Really?
>From: st...@conjecture.com
>
>
>****************************************************************
>* Posted by Newsgroup AutoPoster! It's NOT registered yet! *
>****************************************************************
> Yes, Free!

Crow: This wonderful "free" can be yours, if the price is right!

> Unusual news for our unusual times.

Servo: Like, right now it's 46 O' clock.

> Please visit: http://www.conjecture.com

Crow: hmmm...... no.

> Some news headlines:
> Clinton Caught Inhaling.

Mike: So, the president isn't allowed to breathe now?

> Bodies of Attorneys Found at Microsoft.

Crow: Yeah, like *that's* new.

> Pine Trees Highest Form of Evolution.

Servo: Well, that walks all over my snail theory.

> Dog Mirroring Cures Chronic Depression.

All: .......

> ....and much, much more

Doors 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, rat!

Bridge

There is no-one there.

Cinema

Servo: Is that it?

Mike: The doors are closing on us!

All of them race towards the exit, but are locked in. They return to their
seats.

Crow: Oh my God, we'll be locked in here forever! No-one'll *ever* find us....
(He starts crying on Mike's shoulder, while Servo weeps into his other one)

Mike: Oh come on guys, the next spam we're sent, the doors will open at the end
and we'll escape.

Servo: But if no-one answears the Mads' light, they might give up! Well, at
least we won't go hungry.....

Mike: Yes we will, there's nothing to eat!

Crow: There's plenty to eat Mike, if Ted will make the sacrifice......

Mike: No! Not Ted! We can't eat him!

Crow: But he tastes too good to waste.....

They sit in silence for a while. Ted barks, flips and falls onto the floor.
Mike picks him up again. More silence. Servo sighs.

Servo: We can't sit like this forever. Why don't we think of a plan to escape?

Crow: Well, we could, but Mike's too stupid.

Mike: Yeah.... hey!

Servo: Crow, what about that crowbar under your seat?

Crow: Yeah that's a good idea. You wanna grab it Mike?

Mike: You have a crowbar? Why didn't you tell me? (He bends down and picks up
the crowbar)

Crow: There was never a good chance to bring it up.

Mike walks off screen with the crowbar. There are some weird noises, and then
he returns.

Mike: It's open.

They exit.

Doors (as each door appears, you hear them being forced open) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
, rat!

Servo is looking at the floor. There is a rhythmic pounding in the background.
He has a Ted-shaped parcel on the table.

Servo: You done yet Crow?

Crow(off screen): Yeah, it's as deep as it'll get.

Crow walks on wearing the mining gear like in the beginning of MST3K: The
Movie.

Servo: If we do it quickly, Mike'll never know.

Servo and Crow toss the Ted-Parcel down, where there is a deep hole. Just as
they have finished, Mike walks on.

Mike: Oh hey guys- (He falls down hole)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg
ggggggg!

There is a thud.

Crow: Ouch.

The Mads light flashes.

Servo: I'll get it.

Widowmaker.

Bobo and Observer are arguing, along the lines of "You took it" "Did not" etc.

Pearl: Well, what did you think of my spam?

SOL
Mike appears again, though a little muddy.

Mike: We got stuck in the theater thanks to that stupid spam.

Servo: Anyway, what are Brain Guy and Bobo fighting over?

Widowmaker

Pearl: They've been at it all day. Apparently, someone took Bobo's Dog-

Bobo: My Pookie.

Pearl: And he says it was Brain Guy who took it.

Observer: I did not!

SOL

Mike: Yeah, it was- ahem. Anyway, where's Ted?

(Servo and Crow): We don't know Mike.

Mike: Well, fill that hole in anyway.

Servo: Gladly......

Credits

> Dog Mirroring Cures Chronic Depression.

Shadowcloak
shad...@aol.com
http://members.aol.com/shadoc64/index.html

"See, we're like artists, and this is how we screw ourselves." - Jane Lane