MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 3/9
a.ca...@genie.com
>Chapter Four
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 60050
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
> Between now and my and most of my
Tom: Special guest appearance by e.e. cummings!
>command crew's wedding, Admiral Okie has asked the Endeavor to mediate what
>he refers to as a minor dispute in the Naklab system. Hopefully this time
>it really is a minor dispute. Last time I was there I had quite a
>challenge, especially considering that it was my first attempt at diplomacy.
Crow: "I remember it as if it were only yesterday..."
Mike: NO! No clip shows!
> I intend to successfully finish these mediations before STARDATE
>60081 which is the date, Essex has chosen for the first Royal Double
>Wedding in recorded history. (or so the press is billing it)
Tom: Actually, the New York Post is billing it as "DRAGON GIRL'S LOVE NEST".
>Admiral Okie has promised me that if it gets close to my wedding day and it
>still isn't resolved, he personally will finish the mediation.
Nine: Ah'm bettin' it involves plenny'a moonshine an' squaw lovin'.
Crow: Yee-haw!
>
> Jay Gordon stood in front of the console as Lieutenant Shayna
>Sachs beamed the Troac Ambassador aboard. Sel Rahc Ekael and a couple
>aids beamed aboard. "Permission to come aboard," Ekael asked in his
>boisterous voice.
> "Granted Sel Rahc," Jay replied. "You've changed in the last
>ten years."
Mike: "Your skin is lighter! And you've had your nose done... and your
chin... and your hair's all long and straight now... and you're wearing a
lot more makeup... and your aides! Why, it's Emmanuel Lewis and Macaulay
Culkin!"
> Ekael patted his stomach, and responded, "I haven't had many
>troubles to drown with food." Then taking a second glance at Jay he
>said. "Do I know you?"
Crow: "You talkin' to me?"
> "When you came aboard the Enterprise a decade ago," Jay
>responded. "I welcomed you aboard. I was a lot shorter then. As I
>recall I came up to here." He held his hand up to chest level.
Nine: "Back then I was this many, but now I'm this many!"
Tom: That might work better if you had fingers.
Nine: Like you should talk.
> "Ah, now I remember, I take it your Captain is busy elsewhere,"
>Ekael inquired.
> "We've got guaranteed leave next month, and she has to fill out
>the paper work," Jay replied. "I'd help but she didn't want any
>distractions."
Mike: Read: she didn't want to get caught printing up fake receipts.
>
> An hour later Sel Rahc Selaw was met by Commander Gordon,
Tom: Oh, yeah, I remember Sel Rahc Selaw. He's the one with the yllaer gib
srae.
>"Welcome aboard, Sel Rahc Selaw. Thank you for leaving your weapons at
>home this time."
> "What weapons?," the graying Bres Ambassador asked. "Why would
>I have weapons? Wait a minute, you are familiar some how. Do I know you?"
Mike: "Wait, I know! Didn't you use to be on that 'Saved By the Bell' show?"
> "I greeted you when you came aboard the Enterprise-D," Jay replied.
> "That's it, Kay Gordon," Selaw droned.
> "Actually it's Jay Gordon, Commander Jay Gordon," he corrected.
> "I knew it was some letter of the alphabet," Selaw said.
Crow: No, no, you're thinking of A Martinez.
>"I see your Captain isn't here to greet me. She afraid I'm going to break
>her collar-bone again?"
All: Don't we wish!
> "Actually I think she should be picking out a wedding dress with
>Clara about now," Jay said.
> "She's getting married, huh," Selaw said. "Whose the lucky
>gentleman?"
Crow: Well, hers, eventually.
> "I am," Jay replied.
>
> Next Sel Rahc Akros beamed aboard. "Welcome abroad, Sel Rahc
>Akros," Jay said.
Tom: "Yes, welcome abroad! Isn't the South of France lovely this time of
year?"
>"From the view from orbit, I see Sobnia has recovered quite well from it's
>problems."
Mike: "I hear it's even considering changing its name to Smile-nia!"
Bots: *groan*
> "Indeed it has, Commander?" Akros replied.
> "Jay Gordon, First Officer," Jay said. "If you will follow me,
>I'll take you to your Quarters."
Tom: "The slot machines are in the lobby and next to the icemaker!"
> "So, Jay has Captain Marrissa Picard grown up as well as you?"
>the Sobnian Ambassador asked.
Crow [Jay]: "You betcha! Up and =out=!"
> "You'll have to be the judge of that as my opinion on that
>matter is defiantly biased," Jay said. "Let's just say that her royal
>highness is quite a woman."
Tom: "--and a whole =lot= of woman!"
> "Royal highness?" Akros asked.
> "You didn't know Marrissa was a Princess?" Jay said, astonished.
>"I thought the Press would have spread that news Federation wide and
>beyond by now."
Mike [Akros]: "Well, sure, I've heard people call Marrissa a princess before,
but I just assumed they meant, you know--"
>
> The fourth and final Ambassador beamed aboard. New to Jay and
>Marrissa, Sel Rahc Crevel was a young fellow, about twenty, the same age
>as Jay. As he materialized he began, "Where is that excuse for a
>mediator, Captain Pi-CARD."
Crow: Y'know, seven pi cards'll get you busted at blackjack!
Others: *groan*
> "Princess Marrissa Picard, Captain of this vessel is presently
>practicing her piano for tonight's consort," Jay said.
Crow: Uh, shouldn't Jay be tonight's consort?
Mike: Just because she's engaged doesn't stop Marrissa from playing the field.
>"I'm Commander Jay Gordon, first officer."
> "Your Captain couldn't spare the time away from her practicing
>to greet me," Crevel said. "How insulting, I'm considering
Tom: --declaring war?
Crow: --turning the Endeavor into a twisted scrap heap?
Nine: I'm particularly looking forward to seeing the guards kick Marrissa's
head around like a hacky sack.
>withdrawing until a more courteous mediator can me found."
> "Actually she is quite courteous, and well aware of the need to
>seem fair to all," Jay replied. "Starfleet business kept her from
>welcoming the others so she declined welcoming you to conform to that
>equality.
Mike: There's plenty of rudeness to go around for everybody!
>She will greet you all at the mediation table tomorrow."
> "What about tonight's consort?" Sel Rahc Crevel said.
Tom [Jay]: "Dunno. She's trying to choose between Stump Hugelarge and
Cliff Beefpile."
> "She will merely perform there," Jay said. "The Captain will not be
>discussing anything with you above compliments on her performance tonight.
Crow: "An' there'll be plenty of 'em if y'know what's good for ya!"
>Now if you will follow me, I will show you to your quarters."
>
> Marrissa enjoyed playing the piano. She regretted that early in
>her career she had neglected the instrument in favor of other activities,
Nine: Pillaging, plundering, leaving a trail of charred planets and homeless
orphans in her wake...
>but since she had become Second Officer on the Stargazer she had returned
>to it with a passion. In the last eight years she had become quite an
>accomplished pianist. In fact she was now giving lessons to some of her
>officers on board the Endeavor.
Crow: Mandatory, no doubt.
> The consort she was holding tonight was a challenging one.
Mike: But I'm betting Marrissa can break 'im.
>She was playing not only pieces from Chopin, but the ever challenging Mozart
>as well.
Tom: Any question Ratliff just picked these names out of an encyclopedia?
>Over the years Marrissa had found such consorts a welcome release from work.
Nine: Well, hey, who doesn't enjoy a good harem?
>It was amazing how much tension could drain away while she played the piano.
Crow: --displaced onto the listeners.
> Apparently it worked for her listeners as well as while she
>played an easier piece she noticed that the Nevolsian Sel Rahc who had
>been noticeably tense when she came in was now smiling. In fact it
>looked like he was tapping his foot to the beat of the sprightly piece.
Mike: Of course, in his culture that means "Oh, God, please kill me."
Tom: On that note, let's get out of here.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out by the desk. Nine is there but her
monitor is turned away from Cambot so we can't see her/Marrissa's face.]
Crow: Apply Filter: Soften More!
Nine: Hey, don't airbrush my face. That's rude.
Tom: Yeah, and you'll get Michael Stipe pissed at you.
Crow: Fine. Then Solarize! Level 172! And Gamma Correct to about a 2.2!
[Enter Mike.]
Mike: Hey, what's going on here?
Tom: Well, we just figured that Nine's a program, right? She has no
corporeal form. Her "face" is just a bitmap of Marrissa that Dr. Forrester
downloaded from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.ratliff. So we're running it
through Paint Shop Pro!
Nine: Actually, there's nothing that says I =have= to look like Marrissa at
all. I can look like anyone you want.
Mike: Really?? Can you look like Dawn Wells??
[awkward pause]
Mike: I take it I was a little too quick on the draw with that one...?
Crow: Oh, just a wee bit.
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Chapter Five
>
> Marrissa entered the room she had set up for the mediation.
>Inside was a pentagon shaped table with the four Sel Rahc's all ready
>seated around it. The three she had met before were seated comfortably
>around the table, smiling.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Hello, gentlemen! Did you enjoy your complimentary
lobotomy this morning? That's good!"
>Sel Rahc Crevel however was glaring at his fellow Sel Rahc's. "Good
>mourning, everyone,
Crow [screeching]: "--and welcome to Tales From the Crypt! I have a =bone=
to pick with you!"
>sorry I'm late again," Marrissa said. "Some annoying bureaucrat on Deep
>Space Thirteen delayed me."
All: *loud laughter*
Crow: Hey, maybe it was Frank!
> "Would that be Lieutenant Rehtob?" Sel Rahc Ekael asked.
> "That's the guy," Marrissa said. "I'm afraid the poor soul
>picked the wrong Captain to annoy."
Nine: "Care to see his pancreas? I've got it right here in my purse."
> "You mean some one finally is doing something about that annoyance?"
>Sel Rahc Selaw said. "I think he was the one who started this mess. If he
>hadn't inquired as to tax rates for goods among our planets we wouldn't be
>here.
Mike: He's the Naklab answer to Steve Forbes!
>I'd be home on Bres enjoying my grandchildren."
Nine: Didn't Humbert Humbert say something about wanting to enjoy his
grandchildren?
> "Yes, I've arranged for his transfer," Marrissa replied. "He
>will be spending at least the next six months as second officer on the
>supply ship Harriman. It's current assignment, supply all the colonies
>in the DMZ with their allotment of fertilizer.
Tom: "The mission is under the command of Captain Hal Warren."
>Their are advantages to having you dad as Commanding Admiral Starfleet."
Crow: What about yo' mama?
> "Well that's one less problem in the system," Sel Rahc Akros
>responded.
Tom: Yes, but there's still violence inherent in it.
> "Yes, but you still have the tax rate problem," Marrissa said.
>"I want to here how you each think you can solve it. The order of the
>day is alphabetical by planet name.
Mike: "Damn! I'm from Zzzzzzzzzyzzzzzyxon!"
Crow: Just out of curiosity... how exactly are we supposed to deal with those
few planets that didn't happen to independently arrive at the Roman alphabet?
>Sel Rahc Selaw of Bres?"
> "I propose we make an equal systemwide tax," Selaw said.
> "That's ridicules," Sel Rahc Crevel interrupted. "Only a Bres
>slime would make such a suggestion."
Nine: I'm glad to see the level of rhetoric here is substantially above what
you see on C-Span.
> "Sel Rahc Crevel, I suggest you keep your opinions of your
>fellow Sel Rahcs to yourself," Marrissa commented. "It makes for a much
>nicer negotiation. Now what do you suggest?"
> "I suggest we just forget about the whole thing," Crevel replied
Crow: The scene? I argee wholeheartedly!
> "Interesting approach, Sel Rahc Akros?" Marrissa asked.
> "I suggest we eliminate all in system taxes," Akros replied.
> "Sel Rahc Ekael, and try to keep the volume down this time,"
>Marrissa inquired.
Tom: Won't that raise the pressure?
> "I suggest we eliminate taxes on critical in system trade such
>as metals and food stuffs, but keep luxury items taxed at what ever rate
>each planet deems acceptable," Ekael said.
> "Does anyone have a comment on these suggestions?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: Yup! They're boring as hell.
> "I find my fellow Sel Rahcs suggestions despicable, and
>demeaning," Crevel began. "It shows that they have become decadent and
>foolish ..."
Crow: Whoa! It's the return of J. Neil Schulman.
Tom: You're just afraid of the light he's shedding on your own moral
corruption.
> "Meaningful comment," Marrissa interrupted. "Sel Rahc Crevel,
>if you continue making such insults at your fellow Sel Rahcs I will see
>that you are replaced."
Mike: Any chance we can get the author replaced?
> "You a measly Starfleet Captain?" Crevel replied.
> "Crevel, I've heard quite a bit about you," Marrissa began.
>"After this negotiation you are suppose to replace Sel Rahc Enamuh as
>Nevolsian Ambassador to Essex.
Crow: Funny, I would've replaced him with Etib Em Ffiltar.
>Now what would happen if the heir to Essex objected to your appointment on
>the basis of personal experience?"
> "I'd probably lose my job," Sel Rahc Crevel responded,
Tom: "--and that's why I'm voting for Pat Buchanan!"
>"but since I don't know that heir, I'm not exactly worried"
> "You do now," Marrissa replied. "You see I'm the heir, Princess
>Marrissa, Princess of Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy. So shape up, or
>you won't be shipping out to Essex."
> Sel Rahc Crevel was quite shocked by that comment.
Mike: Me too! It was almost sort of-- clever!
>He slumped in his chair. Sel Rahc Ekael took the pause to make a suggestion,
>"May I suggest we ajourn for lunch, Captain? My stomach is rumbling."
Crow: "Oh! And can I sharpen my pencil?"
> "Your stomach is always rumbling," Sel Rahc Selaw entoned.
> "True, but your thin body needs more food as well," Sel Rahc
>Ekael returned, light-heartedly
Mike: I can't get enough of Sel Rahc Ekael's agile repartee.
> "Excellent suggestion, Ekael," Marrissa said. "We will
>reconvene at 1400 hours, after we have had time to digest everything."
Crow: Yeah, the cooking on the Endeavor usually takes about 1400 hours to
digest.
>
> Marrissa liked to eat lunch in the Endeavor's version of
>Ten-Forward, the Endeavor Tavern, with it's hostess, Mary, a daughter of
>the legendary Guinan. Well perhaps not legendary, but at least well known.
Tom: It's Stephen Ratliff, backpedalling furiously!
>On the floor plans, the Tavern was about the same as Ten-Forward on the
>Enterprise,
Mike: Of course! What did you expect, originality? From =Ratliff=?
>that however was were the similarity ended. The Endeavor Tavern was a bar.
>The tables were actual wood with wooden chairs.
Tom: Wow! Hey, Mike, maybe he =does= have some originality after all!
>The bar itself was right out of an old television series known as Cheers.
Tom: Or not.
>There was no doubt about it, Mary's Endeavor Tavern was not like other bars
>on Starfleet vessels, but Marrissa didn't like her ship to be just like
>other ships.
Crow: Watch as the idea of not being the constant center of attention fills
Marrissa with inexpressible panic!
>If Marrissa had her way the Endeavor wouldn't even look like other ships.
Mike: She's still stuck on the idea of painting a huge Confederate flag on
the dish.
> As Captain Marrissa Picard walked up to the bar, Mary said.
>"What would you like for lunch today, Captain?"
Tom [Marrissa]: "Umm... a cow, please. Medium rare."
> "I'm in the mood for Italian today, Mary," Marrissa said.
> "I have some fresh pizza, just out of the oven," Mary replied.
>"Ham and Pepperoni."
Crow [Marrissa, harsh]: "NO! Potatoes are what I eat!"
> "I'll take three slices of it
Nine: "Extra grease please. And a side of back-bacon."
>and a tall glass of strawberry soda," Marrissa said.
Tom: Ah, yes, the strawberry fetish. You'd think she'd have learned her
lesson after guzzling that bottle of shampoo...
>"And some bread sticks if you have any fresh baked."
> "I just happen to," Mary said.
Nine: Quelle coincidence!
Crow: Hardly. You don't survive as the cook on Marrissa's ship for very long
unless you learn to have wheelbarrows full of all her favorite foods ready
to serve at a moment's notice twenty-four hours a day.
>"I assume you will be at your usual booth?"
> "Yes, Jay will be joining me," Marrissa said.
> "Jay?" Mary said. "I haven't heard you call Commander Gordon
>that since we were on the Stargazer."
Mike: "Ever since then it's been Pookie this and Pookie that!"
> "How else should I address my fiancee?" Marrissa asked. At
>Mary's puzzled face, Marrissa continued. "I can't believe it, some item
>of ship's gossip passed you by."
Nine: "You really didn't know Jay was a woman?"
> "Hardly," Mary replied. "It's been such a common rumor that I
>tend to ignore ever time I hear that you two are getting married. Now
>Clara and Alexander, thats a different story."
> "Anything else interesting in the gossip today?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [falsetto]: "Well, Liz Smith says that Brooke and Andre are on the outs,
and--"
>
> "There is a rumor that Ross Lochard is considering a transfer to
>the Enterprise," Mary said. "His wife is apparently upset about the
>prospect of leaving the Endeavor. The rumor mill is also looking for
>who will replace him as Chief of Security. The general opinion is that
>you will have to bring someone in from outside."
Nine: "I hear they're having an auction just outside of Arcturus! Plenty of
young bucks for six hundred apiece, wenches for three hundred! Great for
breeding, too!"
> "Great, I really should stop other Captains from raiding my
>crew," Marrissa said. "They just don't seem to want to train their own.
>I'm certainly not going to be able to stop Captain Riker from taking
>Ross if he wants to go,
Crow: What? "Not going to be able to" do something? All right, what have
you done with the real Marrissa?
>but their won't be any more for quite some time. Computer, until further
>notice, all personnel records are classified level thirteen for access off
>the Endeavor, authorization Picard Mozart One Seven Victoria One."
Tom: Oh, yeah, no one would =ever= think of that! Why don't you just throw
in your birthday to make it extra complicated?
> "Authorization confirmed, outside access to personnel records
>classified to level thirteen," the Computer replied.
> "Lets see them pull another officer off this ship," Marrissa said.
Crow: Two seconds later, a couple of eleven-year-olds in a middle-school
FORTRAN class hacked into her system and transferred Alexander over to
teach PE.
>"I didn't train my crew for everyone to transfer off the ship, ninety
>percent of my crew are Ensigns as it is. Now what else is in the rumor
>mill?"
Mike: "Oh, someone's hand got caught in there. Don't worry about it, happens
all the time."
>
> In the Lochard Family quarters, Lieutenant Commander Ross
>Lochard had just left for duty,
Tom: Well, actually it was to "make duty".
>thinking that his wife had agreed to transferring to the Enterprise.
>However, Lieutenant Katherine Isadora Szustakowski Lochard
Mike: Shouldn't there be a couple of Burtons and a Fortensky in there?
>was going to do no such thing. She was tired of transferring from ship to
>ship to further her husband's career.
Crow: Typical! I suppose next she'll be whining about his boozing and
womanizing. Dames.
> She'd been glad to transfer to the Endeavor, back under the command
>of her long time friend, Marrissa Picard.
Tom: There's a certain security that only a maniacal dictator can bring.
>However, she was not ready to begin ship hopping again.
Nine: Bed-hopping, on the other hand...
>She and Ross had been married for 8 years,
Mike: --but then she realized she was a lesbian and he started dating this
Asian girl he met at a dig in China but then Rachel showed up at the
airport and--
>and during that time they had served on as many ships, the Stargazer, the
>Clinton, the Hornet, the Monitor,
Crow: --the Titanic, the Achille Lauro, the Exxon Valdez...
>the list went on and on. Well Kathy wasn't going to go back to the
>Enterprise, oh she'd transfer,
Tom: Oh yes?
Mike: Oh, my.
Crow: Oh, please!
>but not to the Enterprise.
Nine: "There's no way I'm getting near that creepy Riker and his wandering
hands!"
> Kathy Lochard called up the positions available listings for
>Fighter Commanders or Chief Helm Officers, muttering, "The nerve, to use
>the afterglow of sex to *soften the blow*."
Mike: *blinking* Excuse me? Did Ratliff just use the phrase "afterglow of
sex"?
>A position caught her eye:
>
> Fighter Commander and Second Officer USS Stargazer
> NCC-2893. Fighter piloting experience a must. Command
> experience wanted. Fighter wing commanding a defiant
> plus. Will promote to Lieutenant Commander.
Crow: "Must enjoy long walks on the beach, dinner by candlelight, pina
coladas, getting caught in the rain. No smokers please."
> Contact Captain T'Gwen Washington, USS Stargazer NCC-2893,
> Cardassain-Federation Demilitarized Zone.
>
> A perfect position she thought. The Stargazer will probably convey
>the Cardassian delegation to the Captain's wedding so Ross won't figure out
>that my transfer is different until the last possible minute. Plus, as
>Fighter Commander, I get a promotion I've been a full Lieutenant too long.
Crow: Jeez, talk about ambition.
Mike: Are you kidding? If Marrissa were in her place she'd just throw her
husband into the nearest combine harvester.
>Ross will regret his underhandedness in this manner. If he had asked me
>when he first found out about the possibility, I probably would have gone
>with him. Thank God we don't have kids.
Nine: Now if only Mr. and Mrs. Ratliff hadn't had any.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 4]