MiSTed: Stolen Memories (4/29)
Rottweiler
MIKE: Hey Tom, I'm curious: why didn't you hire that guy from _Kitten
with
a Whip_ to play the cat?
TOM: (stage whisper) Shut up, Mike.
MIKE: I mean, he would have been perfect for the role...
TOM: Shut. Up. Mike.
MIKE: He's probably not doing a gig right now...
TOM: SHUT UP MIKE!
MIKE: Geez. I was just asking...
> Ever so gracefully, apparently floating on air, she
> crossed the balcony to his side to slip her arm around his
> and patted his arm.
MIKE: (seductively) Jump!
TOM: Don't they make a cute couple?
MIKE and CROW: No.
> A seed of hope blossomed to banish the
> chill from his spine and increase the heat in his groin.
CROW: Here at Mission Ops Productions, we don't just mix metaphors, we
batter them beyond all recognition.
> "I'm sure we can find something safe and entertaining
> to do and banish the boredom." She said.
TOM: And with that, Pong was born.
> Julian flushed again, his gaze locked on those soft
> lips of her,
MIKE: I'm impressed by these accurate descriptions of feline anatomy.
> as a million and one `entertaining' thoughts
> flashed through his mind.
CROW: Hey, his mind is doing a _Battleship Potemkin_.
> Most of them involved them getting
> naked and running their hands and mouths over each other.
MIKE: Others involved playing chess.
TOM: And one involved tying a butter-side-up piece of bread to her back
and
dropping her from a great height to see which old saw wins out.
> He
> saw Alis's nose twitch and her glance drop down once again.
CROW: (Alis) You smell like teen spirit.
> He looked down to see an extremely obvious bulge at his
> groin and blushed the deepest shade of red yet.
MIKE: Jeez, pretty soon he'll be the color of a fire engine.
TOM: Imagine how embarrassed he'd be if he lived in 16th century Spain.
> In the next moment a gasp escaped his mouth, as curious
> she reached out to lay her hand over it.
CROW: Ki didn't know what to make of the thing.
> She whipped her
> hand back quickly with an instantly contrite look.
MIKE: (Alis) That's it, huh?
> "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just
> curious."
TOM: (singing) Do you really want to hurt me?
CROW: This club has no culture at all.
> "It didn't hurt," he croaked.
TOM: (Michigan J. Frog) Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time
gal!
> Quite the opposite, go right ahead touch it all you
> want,
MIKE: (Julian) But if you break it, you bought it.
> he wanted to say, but didn't. With the last shred of
> sanity left, he reminded himself she was a Princessa, that
> he wasn't good enough for her.
CROW: This classist attitude is out of character for a Federation
citizen.
TOM: Look on the bright side. He could be singing "Uptown Girl" right
now.
> That worked a little.
MIKE: Then he imagined Ted Kennedy in a lace teddy. That worked better.
> He
> visualised that god awful ugly girl making kissy faces and
> chasing him around again.
TOM: Forget cold showers, just pretend Andrea Dworkin is stalking you!
> That worked even better.
MIKE: He visualized Dom Deluise in a bikini. That left him impotent.
> "Are you sure?"
CROW: (Alis) Are you dry?
> "Quite," he croaked, then cleared his throat.
TOM: He's turned into Commander McBragg.
> "What sort of .. entertaining activities did you have
> in mind?"
MIKE: I'm guessing that Julian might have a rousing night of stamp
collecting in store for him.
> He asked once he was sure he could open his mouth
> without sounding like a frog or tripping over his tongue.
TOM: He must have one long tongue.
CROW: (with tongue out) Pleathe ekthuthe my thongue, it'th a little
condithon I ha-- WOOOOAHHHH!!
> ***********************
MIKE: Hey, the fanfic is showing us its appendix scar.
> Three days later Julian decided he was in sixth heaven,
CROW: Won't God be suprised!
> one step away from seventh Heaven,
TOM: On the WB.
> and well on the way there
> in his opinion.
CROW: (singing) Said young Julian, in my opinion,
There's nothing in this world
Beats a '52 Vincent and a cat girl.
> The Princessa had come through on her
> promise of finding safe and entertaining things to do - all
> of it thoroughly non-sexual.
TOM: Julian is "saving himself" in case he ever meets Soledad O'Brien.
> So far, she'd shown him where he could find a gym, a
> music room, an enclosed garden and indoor swimming pool.
CROW: (Julian) Oh, so the gym is located behind the door marked "gym".
I
would have never guessed that.
MIKE: Let's give Julian the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the Felistians
model their houses on Doom levels and the gym is a secret location
guarded by a Cyberdemon.
> He'd made use of all the facilities except the pool.
TOM: He had bladder control problems and didn't want to incur the wrath
of
whoever put up that "this is our ool" sign.
> The
> idea of being around her in a bathing suit made him break
> out in a cold sweat.
CROW: One can only hope James Brown brings a lawsuit.
TOM: So the cat-like race LIKES getting wet?
> Which is just what he was in at that particular moment
> as he faced his father over the dinner table.
MIKE: The sexual tension between Julian and his father had reached the
boiling point.
> His father had
> finally gotten curious about his activities and Julian had
> reeled off a long list.
TOM: (Julian) Well, I didn't have sex, I went to the pool, I didn't have
sex, I wandered a bit in the garden, I didn't have sex, I
listened to some music, I didn't have sex, and I didn't
have
sex.
> His father seemed pleased to learn
> he'd made friends with the Princessa.
CROW: (taunting kid voice) Julian's got a girlfriend!
> So far so good.
MIKE: (singing) You showed me how love is misunderstood...
> Julian
> needed his advice badly and braced himself for an explosion
> as he outlined his particular problem with the Princessa.
TOM: (Julian) She gets mad whenever I make wisecracks about her title
being
brought to us by the letter A.
> He almost fainted with relief when his father laughed.
CROW: (Julian's dad) I just remembered something funny from this
Sunday's
"Dilbert".
> The rest of the evening passed in a series of lectures and
> advisory sessions.
MIKE: (Julian's dad) If you really want to attract her, I suggest
running a
can opener.
TOM: (Julian's dad) When she witholds sex, just threaten to take her to
the
vet.
> Then his father had pulled a small case
> out of his gear and handed it over.
CROW: (Julian's dad) Your real father wanted you to have his lightsaber
when you were old enough.
> "And if none of that works and you two get down to what
> comes naturally..Exploring your sexuality, do it safely.
MIKE: (Julian's dad) Wear helmets, day-glo vests, and knee and elbow
pads.
> Use
> these."
TOM: So Julian's dad takes condoms with him wherever he goes?
MIKE: Maybe he moonlights as Trojan Man.
> Julian took the case and looked inside at a good two
> dozen foil packets,
TOM: (Grandpa Simpson) Latex condo. Boy, I'd like to live in one of
those.
> confusion reigned.
CROW: (Julian) What am I supposed to do with fruit snacks?
> "Water balloons?"
MIKE: Julian, don't try to riff your own fanfic.
> His father laughed.
CROW: (Julian's dad) Wasn't that a great episode of _King of the Hill_
last
night?
> "The last time you found them you were too young to
> understand what they were for and thought they were water
> balloons.
TOM: (Julian) Uh, but Dad, the last time I found them was two weeks ago.
> You're old enough to get the facts.
CROW: (Julian's dad) They're for making balloon animals. Son, the truth
is
that your father's a party clown.
> I'm sure
> you've had lectures about *protection* during your sex
> education classes, Julian."
MIKE: It's porn that doubles as an Afterschool Special.
> The blood rushed to Julian's face as he put two and two
> together to come up with the right answer.
TOM: Five.
CROW: (Picard) THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS!
> "We..ah..
TOM: (singing) Family! I've got all my sisters and me.
> Talked about it, but the teacher didn't show
> us any... Actual protective devices," he said explaining his
> confusion.
MIKE: He must have learned Sex Ed at a Catholic school.
> "Well, now you've got them.
CROW: (singing) Well, now you've got what you wanted...
> I hope I don't have to tell
> you how to use them.
TOM: Or, God forbid, SHOW you how to use them.
> I think you've got just enough grey
> matter under that thick skull of yours to work that out for
> yourself."
MIKE: With a father like this, Julian must have the self-esteem of John
Wayne Bobbit on a nude beach.
> Julian's blush deepened, he hated being called `thick
> skulled', but instead of complaining, he just nodded and
> scurried off with the case before his father could start up
> again.
CROW: (Julian's dad) Four score and seven years ago... hey, get back
here!
> **********************
TOM: Orion really let himself go.
> As the day's shared with Alis passed into a week, then
> two, Julian learned how to better control his physical
> reaction to her thanks to his father's advice.
MIKE: He started picturing his father naked on the iceberg instead.
> Yet he
> couldn't stop thinking about her touching him, her soft lips
> touching his, her hands on his body.
CROW: The sweet sound of her voice as she delicately hawked up yet
another
hairball.
> Every time she touched
> him he wanted to grab her and kiss her silly - but like the
> gentleman he was, he restrained himself.
MIKE: Ah yes, the gentlemanly art of tying your hands to the bed.
> Until - the pillow fight in her suite that turned into
> a tickle fest.
TOM: C'mon, put 'em up! I'll fight ya wit one pillow tied behind my
back!
> The Princess
CROW: Sally?
> pounded him to the floor with
> her pillow then pounced on him to straddle his hips and
> started tickling him mercilessly.
MIKE: Bring out the Frisky in your cat-like alien.
> He laughed, gasped and
> squirmed under her trying to escape.
CROW: From New York.
> For a short while that
> was all that was on his mind, that and returning the favour.
MIKE: (Vito Corleone) Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask a
favor of you.
> Then he noticed the ache in his groin had gone beyond a
> simple ache.
TOM: It had also gone beyond Thunderdome.
> His blood pounded in his ears and he could feel
> his man hood straining against his clothing as it came to
> rigid attention under the stimulation he was getting.
CROW: (singing) Like a rock!
> The blood rushed to his face when he realised she
> noticed it at the same time.
MIKE: Of course, with all his blood in his face, he lost his erection.
> He held very still while she
> slid back along his legs to look down.
CROW: (Alis) Wheeeeee!
> He closed his eyes
> and tried every technique he could think of to get his
> rampaging hormones under control.
MIKE: Did he try pouring ice-cold Mr. Pibb down his shorts?
> His efforts were shot to
> pieces when he felt her hands moving over his clothing
> finding the seals,
CROw: All seven of them.
> popping them open.
TOM: Open sesame!
> He kept his eyes closed and told himself this was just
> another of his wet dreams,
CROW: He has a recurring dream involving swimming?
> a particularly vivid one, but a
> dream nonetheless.
TOM: (singing) Reality it seems is just a dream.
He's ashamed to get it on with the daughter of a Queen,
But what do you expect from a dork who's just sixteen,
And hey, hey, hey, you know what I mean.
> He jerked under her as she freed his
> manhood from its constraints.
TOM: Are they talking about his penis?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> After a long pause and nothing
> more he opened his eyes to look down, to see her looking at
> him.
CROW: Here's looking at you, wuss.
> "It's definitely... different." She remarked.
TOM: (Alis) It's so small.
> He didn't have the faintest idea what she was talking
> about, he didn't care, all he wanted was for her to finish
> what she started.
MIKE: Hey! That ain't no way to leave the broken hearted!
CROW: He needs some sympathy!
> "Felistian males have.. Small barbs along theirs." She
> explained.
TOM: (Alis) It helps to keep out intruders.
> Suddenly Bashir realised something no one else outside
> the Felistian people had realised.
CROW: That Pauly Shore was a comic genius.
> Excitement raced through
> his veins as he imagined telling his father he'd worked out
> why the Felistians had been capturing and enslaving Terran
> men.
TOM: (Julian) Hey, Pop! Guess what? Alis was looking at my penis, and
she
said that...
MIKE: So sex with their own species is painful. There's an evolutionary
advantage for you.
> His thoughts scattered in the next moment as she
> stretched out a hand to run it up the shaft of his manhood.
TOM: The side of Garfield we never see.
> He arched under her and let out a sound of pleasure.
CROW: Coooooooooo-ookie Crisp!
> She
> stopped.
MIKE: Dragging my heart around.
TOM: Sounds vaguely Aztec.
> "Nooo.. Don't.. stop.. That feels good.." He breathed.
MIKE: (Alis) Uh, but I've gotten enough.
> Her fingers brushed over him again to explore his
> shaft,
CROW: Shut yo' mouth!
> slowly, sensuously, inch by inch.
TOM: (singing) One inch at a time, sweet Alis...
> Sounds of pleasure
> escaped his throat unchecked as she continued.
MIKE: Any sounds of pleasure to declare?
> Then Julian's
> voice was raised in thoroughly pleasant shock as her tongue
> replaced her fingers.
CROW: Must be 5:00. They're starting a new shift.
TOM: Shouldn't she be using her tongue for something more important,
like
finding out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll
center
of a Tootsie Pop?
> He writhed under her as she ran it up
> and down his shaft over the head,
MIKE: She's licking his car engine? Weird foreplay.
> her slightly abrasive
> tongue adding to the pleasure.
CROW: (Julian) Ow! OWWW! Your tongue's like sandpaper!
> Then she was gone.
TOM: (matronly voice) Alis is in Heaven now, Julian.
> He almost cried out totally lost in his ecstasy,
MIKE: And unwilling to stop and ask for directions.
> then
> he felt her rising, the sound of clothing being shifted,
> something hitting the floor.
CROW: Something else hitting the fan.
> He opened his eyes in time to
> see her straddle him once again positioning herself over
> him. His eyes widened, then rolled back in his head as she
> impaled herself on him.
TOM: The Confederation and the Kilrathi finally make love, not war.
> He could feel her around him, soft, warm, pulsating,
MIKE: It's DAMP!
> making his blood race and the ache in his groin almost
> unbearable.
TOM: Someone should tell him the truth about cats and dogs.
MIKE: You can love your pets, just don't LOVE your pets.
> Nothing else happened she just remained as she
> was - joined at the hip.
CROW: (Julian) Hey Alis, aren't you going to introduce me to your
siamese
cat twin here?
> Slowly he regained his wits enough
> to look at her.
TOM: (Julian) AAAH! I'm having sex with a cat!
> She was looking at him. Then she locked her
> gaze with his and moved upon him.
MIKE: Then she stared at him. Then she made eye contact with him.
> His eyes rolled back
CROW: And to the left.
> again
> and he bucked under her
TOM: He must be having the chicken dream again.
> to seek her warm haven once more.
MIKE: Bermuda?
> She moved over him leaning forward, resting her weight
> on her hands and knees then started licking at his neck and
> nuzzling at his ear
CROW: (Fred Flintstone) Down, Dino! Down!
> - all the while moving her hips over his
> to a slow rhythm that well and truly scattered his wits.
TOM: (Julian) Dah, whad is dat ya doing down dere, Missus Lady Person?
> The
> ache in his groin grew even more unbearable then he felt a
> warm glow begin to spread through him - stars flashed before
> his pleasure glazed eyes.
TOM: Robert Goulet, Angie Dickinson, Don Rickles and the Smothers
Brothers!
> He felt her teeth on his neck, at his jugular, then her
> fangs were piercing the skin.
CROW: She's a black widow!
MIKE: Good.
> Pain filled his senses and his
> hands came to her head grabbing at her hair.
MIKE: (Julian) Damn you, Nosferatu!
> As he prepared
> to pull her off the pain turned to pleasure.
ALL: (singing) Maso, masochist, I've got to be, a masochist!
> His brain
> almost overloaded from two different types of stimulants.
CROW: Walking and chewing gum.
> The first, his very first orgasm,
TOM: Bronzed for posterity.
> the second, the effects of
> her venom as it was injected into his veins and travelled to
> his brain.
MIKE: That venom must dramatically cut down the number of second dates
she
gets.
> He was lost, separated from his body, floating
> somewhere incredible, surrounded by the most incredibly mind
> blowing sights, sounds and feelings.
CROW: (Julian) Wow! A new Star Trek series that's actually GOOD!
TOM: Yep, he's hallucinating.
> He had no idea how long
> it lasted, only that he didn't want it to stop.
ALL: Huh?
TOM: I guess venom has the same effects as LSD.
MIKE: So, we have a species here that has barbed penes AND venom, both
of
which make sex with humans more pleasurable than with each other.
I
can see the evolutionary advantage of that.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL bridge. No one is present. CAMBOT moves toward Crow's room.]
[Crow's room. A table and three chairs are set up in the middle of the
room. The table is covered with a tablecloth and there are four dinner
settings on it. CROW is seated at the left end of the table, while
GYPSY
"stands" at the right end. TOM is seated at one of the chairs behind
the
table.]
TOM: Okay, does everyone remember their parts? I'm Julian's dad.
CROW: I'm Julian.
GYPSY: I'm Alis.
TOM: And Mike is... (looks around) not here. (shouting) MIKE! GET OUT
HERE!
MIKE: (from off-screen) I'm not going to participate in this.
TOM: But Mike, you're the Matriarch!
MIKE: (from off-screen) And that's why I'm not participating.
CROW: But Mike, we can't do the skit without you!
MIKE: (from off-screen) Oh, all right. (sighs)
(MIKE enters, stage right. He is wearing a fursuit that makes him look
like a humanoid black cat with ten nipples. He sits in the empty chair
behind the table.)
MIKE: All right, let's get this over with.
(At this point, everyone slips into character)
CROW: Hey dad, did you do anything diplomatic today?
TOM: Of course I did, you numbskull. What do you think I was sent to
this
God-forsaken planet for?
CROW: I hate it when you call me a numbskull!
TOM: Whatever. So, what did you do today?
GYPSY: He had sex with me!
(TOM laughs)
TOM: My little dimwit has finally become a man. Did you use those
condoms
I gave you?
CROW: I sure did! I used them to make balloon animals!
(TOM laughs again)
TOM: No, you idiot, I mean did you use them when you had sex?
CROW: Oh, so that's what they're for. (looks embarrassed) Say, if that
IS
what they're for, why did you bring them here with you?
TOM: I always cheat on your mother when I'm away from Earth. I can't
believe you're too dumb to figure that out. (laughs yet again)
CROW: I hate being laughed at!
TOM: Shut up. You know you deserve it.
CROW: I do not!
(CROW starts to cry)
GYPSY: Don't cry, snooky-poo. I know what'll cheer you up.
(GYPSY disappears under the table)
CROW: Ooooh... that feels gooood...
TOM: (to MIKE) Could you lift the tablecloth for me so I can see what's
going on?
(MIKE does so. TOM looks under the table and laughs harder than ever.)
CROW: Don't stop...
(TOM laughs again, then there's a long pause)
TOM: Crow and Gypsy are supposed to return to the table now.
(MIKE and TOM look under the table)
TOM: They're still going at it.
MIKE: Let me handle this. (loudly) Crow? Gypsy? You two do know that
you're not anatomically correct, right?
(Crow and Gypsy reappears)
CROW: We're not?
MIKE: Nope.
CROW: Oh. (pause) Well, what the hell were we doing then?
MIKE: It looked like macrame to me.
GYPSY: Oh. Well, that's like sex, right?
MIKE: No, it's like golf. Now if you were playing lacrosse, that'd be
like sex.
CROW and GYPSY: Ohhhh...
MIKE: (to Cambot) We'll be right back.
[Planet Bumper]