BATMAN & ROBIN SCRIPT MISTING (5/10)

[Badger]

>203 INT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - GREENHOUSE - NIGHT

MIKE: Nice to see it's still night.

>
> A hanging banner reads GOTHAM CHARITY FLOWER BALL. A
> GIANT BEAST MASK covers the entrance.

TOM: A giant Belle mask covers the exit.

> DRUMMERS STOMP on
> congo drums. GUESTS dress as flowers. TWO COSTUMED
> GORILLAS romp about the room.

MIKE: Bruce's fantasies are leaking out all over the place.
TOM: Me Tarzan. You also Tarzan.

>
>203A Batman and Robin stand by the stage.
>
> ROBIN
> You think Freeze will take the bait?
?
> BATMAN
> He'll be here.

MIKE: H was courteous enough to send an RSVP.

>
>203B ATOP THE STAIRS. The two Gorillas have converged on the
> DRUMMERS. One begins dancing around, covertly KNOCKING
> the drummers unconscious with his paws.

CROW: What?
TOM: How do you knock someone out covertly?

>
>204 ON STAGE. The MC walks out, followed by Gossip Gerty.
>
> MC
> Ladies and Gentlemen. Gossip Gerty
> of Good Morning Gotham and I welcome
> you to the gem of our evening.

MIKE: More pointless puns!

>
>204 Two armed guards emerge bearing a palette upon which
> hangs a silver necklace supporting a perfect, grapefruit
> sized diamond.

MIKE: Grapefruit sized diamond? Only Anna Nicole Smith could wear
that!

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> The famed Heart of Isis,

CROW: Oh, Mighty Isis . . .

> on loan
> from the Collection of my close,
> personal friend Bruce Wayne.

TOM: THAT'S why he didn't want the telescope turned on his
bedroom!

>
> The MC gestures and several woman step forward dressed as
> flowers, each more strikingly gorgeous than the next.
>
> MC
> Tonight, on auction, an opportunity
> to dine with one of our fabulous
> flowers, the famed diamond draped
> around her neck.

MIKE: Dragging her head into the soup . . .

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Ooo, look at all these luscious
> lovelies. let's start the bidding.

TOM: I wonder how deep GERTY'S closet is.

>
> MAN #1
> Ten thousand for Chrysanthemum.
>
> MAN #2
> Twenty thousand for Lilac.
>
> MAN #3
> Thirty thousand for Rose.

CROW: Axel Rose?

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Boys, please. Show some gusto.

TOM: And grab your gusto.

>
>205 THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. ONE GORILLA begins to BEAT the
> drums. The other removes her paw mitts. Her gorilla's
> head.

TOM: Donkey Kong as you've never seen him before!

> From within her gorilla costume, steps a vision.

MIKE: From Marvel comics.

> Skin tight green costume made of leaves. Green boots and
> mask. magenta hair. Glowing green eyes.

TOM: Wow, these Tori Amos videos are getting weirder and
weirder...

> Meet POISON IVY,
> simply the most beautiful woman known to man.
>
>205A ROBIN-CLOSE. Smiles.

MIKE: I'd look GREAT in that!

>
> ROBIN
> Gorilla my dreams.

TOM: Oh, God . . .

>
>206 Ivy lifts her green gloved hands, both filled with piles
> of sparkling dust, blows the powder over the startled
> patrons.

MIKE: Is it wrong to envy powder, guys?
CROW: Not in this case, Mike.

>
>207 FOLLOW THE DUST as it spins out in fairy-like spirals,

TOM: Spirals that resemble Mr. Humphreys!

> curling through the crowd.
>
>208 THE CROWD - VARIOUS SHOTS.

MIKE: Bang! Bang! Got them all!

> Folks blink their eyes,
> suddenly bewitched, as Ivy tilts backwards, falling into
> the arms of several jungle clad men on the ballroom floor.
>
>209 IVY saunters over a bridge made of the backs of kneeling
> men, through the parting crowd, towards Batman and Robin.

TOM: How did the writer single-handedly combine the fantasies of
K.D. Lang and Madonna at the same time?

>
> IVY
> Hi there.
>
> MC
> (sputtering)

ALL: Eeeeewwwwwwww!

> And you are...
>
> IVY
> Poison. Poison Ivy.

MIKE: Bong. James Bong.

>
>210 BATMAN - CLOSE. Dazed. Like a man who's drunk a quart of
> love potion. He takes her hand.
>
> IVY
> Why not send junior to bed early, I
> could come and take your measurements?

CROW: Whooops! Too small! Throw it back!

>
> Ivy turns now to Robin, offers the other hand. She blows
> another volley of dust into Robin's face.
>
> IVY
> On the other hand, youth does have
> its advantages. Endurance. Stamina.

MIKE: The ability to know where all the Pearl Jam concerts are.

>
>211 ROBIN - CLOSE. Also suddenly smitten, perhaps eve
> harder.

ALL <GIGGLE>

>
> IVY
> Why settle for second place? Robin
> is a sidekick, a junior partner. If
> we were a team, you'd be the star.
> Forget the geriatric bat. Come, join
> me, my garden needs tending.

TOM: Get out a weed wacker!
CROW: At least we know where the garden 'ho is . . .

>
> The two help her up onto stage. She turns to the
> mesmerized MC.
>
> IVY
> I'll take it from here, pal.
>
> Ivy lifts the diamond, places it around her neck.

MIKE: She's slammed to the floor by the weight and knocked
unconscious.

>
> IVY
> Some lucky boy's about to hit the
> honey pot.

MIKE <WINNIE THE POOH>: Quickly, Piglet, give me your money!

> I'll include an evening
> of my company for the winner. I'll
> bring everything you see here. Plus
> everything you don't.
> (off Batman and Robin)
> And I'll bring my imagination.

CROW: Unlike the writer.

>
> MAN #1
> 50 thousand for Poison Ivy - -
>
> MAN #2
> 100 thousand for Poison Ivy - -
>
> BATMAN
> One million - -
>
> ROBIN
> (sotto voce)
> You own it.
> (loud)
> Two million - -
>
> The two lock eyes.

TOM: They kiss.

>
> BATMAN
> (sotto voce)
> You don't have two million.
> (loud)
> Three million - -
>
> ROBIN
> (sotto voce)
> I'll borrow it from you.
> (loud)
> Four million - -
>
> IVY
> You two boys aren't going to fight
> over little old me, are you?

MIKE: If I remember Uma Thurman, we are not talking little.

>
> Batman reaches to his utility belt,

CROW: Eeeeeeeeeww!

> draws a batarang.

CROW: Whew!

>
> BATMAN
> Five million - -
>
> Robin reaches to his utility belt, pulls a throwing bird.
>
> ROBIN
> Six million - -

MIKE: It's the six million dollar supervillain!

>
> GOSSIP GERTY

CROW: Eight million!

> Is it getting nippy in here?
>
>212 THE TEETH of the giant mask EXPLOSE as Freeze's truck
>213 SMASHES into the room from an elevated bridge beyond.
>214 Standing atop the vehicle, backed by swirling mists,
> Freeze, his Icemen following behind.
>
> FREEZE
> (drawing his gun)
> Did I use the wrong door again?
>
>215 Batman hurls his batarang, knocking Freeze's pistol free.

TOM: Run! Be free little pistol!

> Batman and Robin race forward, engulfed by the rushing
> force of Icemen.
>
> HIS PISTOL flies into the hands of one of the Guests. A THUG
> rams the Guest from behind, the gun bouncing into the air.
>
>215A A swarm of armed SECURITY GUARDS and GUESTS swamp Freeze.

TOM: Freeze taps them for one black manna.

>
>215B FREEZE
> When technology fails...

MIKE: Read the manual?
TOM: Hit F1?
CROW: Call the help line?

> brute force.

MIKE: Oh, Schwarzenegger does that.

>
>215C FREEZE moves like lightning, SMASHING guards with mighty
> punches, WHIPPING guests flying across the room.

CROW: Who thank him!

>
> FREEZE'S PISTOL bounces from Guest, to Thug, to Guest like
> a wildly fumbled

TOM: Plot.

> football, a Thug finally tipping the soar-
> ing gun back towards Freeze.

CROW: Freeze(tm) losing his gun is not so much a running joke as a
lurching one.

>
>215D FREEZE
> Alright, everyone, chill!

CROW: We've waited all episode for a cold joke, and now . . .
another one.

>
>216 Freeze FIRES, turning a few guests and several exotic
> flower arrangements into ice.
>
> FREEZE
> I should have been a decorator.

CROW: Then he could stay with Batman(tm) and Robin(tm).

>
>217 Freeze starts for the stage.
>
>218 BATMAN and ROBIN are in mid-melee, fighting off an army
> of Icemen.
>
>219 Batman SMASHES one Thug three times in the chin.

MIKE <SINGING>: Smash three times on the chin if you waaaant me!

>
>220 Robin does a spinning side kick to another approaching

CROW: A sidekick doing a sidekick!

> villain, then ducks, sending one villain crashing into
> another.
>
>221 Batman grabs a Thug, throws him to Robin, who punches
> him back to Batman who punches him back to Robin.

MIKE: Now it's like a Hercules episode!

>
>222 Both punch him simultaneously, the Thug flying back
> through the air. They begin fighting their way towards
> the stage.
>
>223 FREEZE climbs onto the stage to face Poison Ivy.
>
> FREEZE
> Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady?
> Ms. Moss?

CROW: Kate Moss?

>
> IVY
> Listen, Captain Cold,

CROW: That's ANOTHER character!

> the suit, maybe,
> even though silver went out in the
> 70's. But those boots are unforgivable.

MIKE: Even SHE notices the neutronium boots.

> What is it with men?

MIKE: Sister, at this point even I don't know.

>
> FREEZE
> I'd love to stand here all day and
> exchange fashion tips but I'm kind
> of pressed for time. So hand over
> the diamond, Garden Gal, or I turn
> you into mulch.
>
> Ivy pulls a handful of dust from her belt-pouch, blows it
> towards him. The dust swirls around his helmet. Ivy
> frowns.

TOM <IVY>: Damn! That was my headache powder!

>
>
> FREEZE
> Pheromone dust. Designed to heat a
> man's blood. Doesn't work on the
> cold hearted. Now, if you please...

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER>: Give me some more scenes.

>
> Freeze extends his gloved hand.
>
> IVY
> Well, if you insist.
>
> Ivy hands him the diamond.
>
> FREEZE
> Clever little clover.
>
>224 Just then one of the Thugs flies across the room,
> SHASHING into the back of the stage.
>
> FREEZE
> That's my exit cue.

MIKE: So, he told one of his thugs to get beaten up when it's time
to leave.

>
> FREEZE races for his truck.
>
>225 BATMAN and ROBIN dispatch the last Iceman, make for the
> stage.
>
> BATMAN
> (to Gordon)
> You have eleven minutes to thaw those
> guests, Commissioner.
>
>226 Batman and Robin race after the escaping Freeze and his
> men.
>
>227 Ivy stares after them. She lifts a small souvenir. A tiny
> glass globe that says Welcome To Gotham.

TOM: So Freeze(tm) makes money part-time working for the
Gotham(tm) Tourist Bureau?

> Shakes the
> bauble, the tiny city within suddenly covered by snow.

MIKE: Then it explodes. Hilarity ensues.

> Gordon appears behind her.
>
> GORDON
> Miss Ivy, you've just met one of
> the most sinister men in Gotham.

MIKE: Batman(tm).

>
> IVY
> That's no man. That's a God!

CROW: It's Schwarzenegger!

>
> Gordon moves off as the second Gorilla

TOM: Carrying a second banana!

> arrives on stage,
> removes his mask. Bane.
>
> IVY
> Enough monkey business. We've got
> work to do.

MIKE: I want the script writer severely beaten!

>
>228 EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
>
> A GIANT STATUE stands amidst Gotham's sky-scrapers.
> CLOSER.
>
> Freeze in his Ice Truck, two Crony Trucks behind him,

MIKE: Even his truck has cronies!

> race up the interconnecting bridges that crisscross
> Gotham's skyline.
>
>229 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK
>
> FREEZE - POV. Gothamites veer their cars off the roadway in
> his path as Freeze spots the statue. He reaches for his
> dashboard.

TOM: He pulls his smokes out of the glove compartment!

>
> Freeze hits a flashing gun-shaped button on the dash.

MIKE: His vehicle has international symbols?

>
>230 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT
>
> A giant freeze-gun atop the truck FIRES.
>
>231 EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT
>
> THE STATUE'S HEAD - CLOSE. Freezes, the neck of the giant
> figure EXPLODING in a storm of ice.
>
>232 FREEZE'S TRUCK swerves off the road, leaping through the
> hole in the statue's neck and racing onto its shoulder.
> His Crony trucks follow, all racing away down the statue's
> arm.

MIKE <SHAKING HEAD> I am so indifferent and numb by now.

>
>233 THE BATMOBILE AND THE REDBIRD follow in close pursuit,
> BLOWING through the hole in the statue's neck.
>
>234 INT. BATMOBILE
>
> BATMAN - POV. The Freeze vehicles are heading towards the
> hand of the statue. Batman hits a button.

CROW: Bad button! Bad button!

>
>235 MONITOR - CLOSE. Flashing schematics of the various
> trajectories of the Freeze vehicles and their imminent
> jumps from the hand, over the abyss of the city, to the
> lower rooftops beyond.
>
> BATMAN
> Pull back. You can't make the jump.

CROW: You might show me up and catch Freeze(tm)!

>
>236 EXT. REDBIRD
>
> ROBIN
> I can make it.
>
>237 EXT. STATUE'S ARM
>
> The Batmobile is shooting down the arm, the Redbird close
> behind

CROW: The arm is shooting up while they're shooting down!

>
>238 BATMAN
> Pull back.
>
> ROBIN
> I can make it.

MIKE: If you close your eyes and listen to this it sounds even
worse . .

>
> Robin SHOOTS a wheelie, overtaking the Batmobile.
>
>239 INT. BATMOBILE
>
> BATMAN
> Redbird control codes.
>
>240 MONITOR - CLOSE. Schematics for the Redbird flash.
>
> BATMAN
> Disable engine.

MIKE: Robin(tm) careens off the statue to his death . . .

>
>241 EXT. REDBIRD - NIGHT
>
> Robin's engine warning-light goes on. The motor begins to
> DIE. The abyiss is coming up fast. Robin side-grounds the
> bike, SKIDDING.
>
>242 EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT
>
> Freeze and his cronies split towards the separate fingers.

TOM: I wonder who's running down the middle finger.

>
>243 SUPER-THRUSTERS fire and Freeze's truck clears the jump,
> landing on the sloping roof on the other side of the
> abyss.
>
>244 His Crony Trucks follow, taking different fingers, flying
> into the air towards the rooftops beyond. Not high enough.

TOM: I wish I was high enough . . .

>
>245 OMITTED

CROW: Thanks!

>
>246 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS - NIGHT
>
> One Crony truck BLOWS into an elevated billboard, the other
> EXPLODING into the opposing building.

TOM: Freeze(tm) lets his thugs die by the truckloads, there's
always more where that came from!

>
>246A EXT. ROOFTOPS
>
> Freeze's truck hits the roof, breaks SCREECHING, spinning
> 180 degrees, his freeze gun now pointing back over the abyss.
>
>247 EXT. STATUE'S HAND
>
> The Redbird slides dangerously close to the end of the
> finger and the abyss below, finally coming to a halt as
>248 the Batmobile ROCKETS its engine and roars past, flying
> over the chasm.
>
>249 ROBIN stands on the fingertip, SHOUTING his rage into
> the night.

CROW: Exposing another finger.

>
>250 EXT. ROOFTOPS ABYSS

CROW: You guys think there could possibly be an abyss?
TOM: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: Good. Just checking.

>
> The Batmobile soars over the abyss towards Freeze's truck.
>
>251 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT
>
> FREEZE
> It's a cold town.

MIKE: So why not have a hot time in it?

>
> Freeze hits the flashing gun-shaped button on the dash.
>
>252 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT
>
> The freeze-gun FIRES its deadly blast, hitting the
> Batmobile.
>
>252A EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT
>
> Robin watches as the flying Batmobile begins to ice over
> from Freeze's cryonic blast.
>
>253 OMITTED

TOM: Good.

>
>254 INT. BATMOBILE
>
> The controls are frozen.

CROW: So is the actor!

> A monitor flashes: SYSTEMS
> FAILURE.

MIKE: Oh no, the Batmobile GPFed!

>
>255 BATMAN - POV. The windscreen is covering with ice.
>
>256 OMITTED

CROW: Good. Good. At this rate, let's try omitting the REST OF
THE SCRIPT!

>
>257 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS
>
> The Batmobile is falling across the abyss like frozen
> sculpture. Suddenly the windscreen EXPLODES as Batman is
> catapulted through the glass like a torpedo,

TOM: And killed instantly . . .

> flying into
> the air high above the busy city.
>
>257A EXT. LOWER ROOFTOPS
>
> The frozen Batmobile drops to the safety of the rooftops on
> the other side of the abyss.

CROW: Killing innocent vagrants!

>
>258 EXT. NIGHT SKY
>
> Batman flips, angling down, WHIPPING his cape open like
> the wings of a giant dark angel, riding the urban winds
> in a racing glide towards Freeze's truck below.
>
>259 OMITTED

MIKE: That's it! Keep 'em not coming!

>
>260 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT
>
>261 THE SHADOW OF THE BAT falls over the open cab of Freeze's
> truck.
>
> FREEZE
> Uh-oh.
>
>262 FREEZE - POV. Batman, cape extended, soars directly over
> the cab.

CROW: Into a wall and dies!

>
>263 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK
>
> Batman SMASHES through the glass driver's dome, wrenching
> Freeze out of the cab, and soaring towards...
>
>264-266 OMITTED
>
>267 EXT. LOWER ROOFTOP
>
> Batman lands standing in the moonlight, a stunned Freeze
> rolling out of his cape, diamond still in hand.
>
> BATMAN
> I'm putting you on ice.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER, GROGGY>: That's my line.

>
>268 OMITTED
>
>268A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT - VFX
>
> The moonlit mansion sits on its clifftop perch above the
> river. PUSH IN

TOM: PULL OUT. Repeat as necessary!

> as a portion of the cliff BURNS AWAY TO
> REVEAL...
>
>269 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT
>
> Bruce and Dick argue.
>
> DICK
> I could have made the jump.
>
> BATMAN
> You could have splattered your
> brains on the side of the building.

CROW: But that wouldn't be noticed.

>
> DICK
> This is no partnership. You're never
> going to trust me.
>
> BATMAN
> Trust you? You can't even keep
> your head on the job. All you could
> think about was Poison Ivy.

TOM <BATMAN>: A girl!

>
> DICK
> You just can't stand that she
> might have wanted me instead of
> you; That's your idea of friendship,
> isn't it, Bruce? You have to have
> everything. Your house. Your rules.
> Your way or the highway. It's
> Batman and Robin not Robin and
> Batman. I'm sick of it.
>
> Dick is right up in Bruce's face.

MIKE: Just ignore that last line, guys.
TOM: Say no more.

>
> BRUCE
> Yes it's my rules. My rules that
> keep us alive. And if you want to
> stay in this house and on this
> team then you'll abide by them.

CROW: Or I'll take my costume and go home!

>
>270 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
>
> Alfred is completing a cassette tape.

TOM: Alfred and the Alfredtones, the new Speed Metal band!

>
> ALFRED
> I have tried every address I
> know for you. I am praying this
> reaches you. We have very little
> time.
>
> Alfred puts the tape in the envelope. (OVER) a KNOCK.
> Bruce ENTERS.
>
> ALFRED
> Congratulations on your
> apprehension of Mr. Freeze. Batman
> monopolized the evening news.

MIKE: And set up hotels on it.

>
> BRUCE
> Thanks.
>
> But the billionaire seems anything but celebratory.
>
> ALFRED
> Is there something wrong, sir?

CROW: By the time we got an answer, the film would be over.
MIKE: Good!

>
> BRUCE
> Alfred, am I pigheaded? Is it always
> my way or the highway?
>
> ALFRED
> Why, yes, actually. Death and chance
> stole your parents. But rather than
> become a victim, you have done
> everything in your power to control
> the fates. For what is Batman if
> not an effort to master the chaos
> that sweeps our world, an attempt
> to control death itself.

MIKE: What is some twisted freak in leather?
TOM: And Mike wins!

>
>270A BRUCE - POV. Out the window, young Bruce and Alfred lay
> wreaths on a windy grave. Alfred puts his arm around the
> boy, holds him close.
>
>270B BACK TO SCENE
>
> BRUCE
> But I can't can I?
>
> ALFRED
> No, my boy. I'm afraid none of us can.

TOM: But we can dress up like lunatics and fight crime, at least.

>
>271 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT
>
> The competition bike's headlight goes out.
>
>272 WIDER
>
> Barbara walks the bike steahtlfully back into the garage.
>
>273 A HAND touches her shoulder.

MIKE: Thing, leave her alone . . .

> Barbara moves fast, flipping
> the assailant over her shoulder in an expert judo move.
>
>274 She spins to face...Dick. Floored in every sense of the
> word.
>
> Barbara's demeanor suddenly changes. All school girl
> politeness.
>
> BARBARA
> Oh. I'm so sorry. I'd just never
> seen anything like it. So massive.
> I took it out for a spin. I do so
> hope I didn't inconvenience you.

CROW: I do hope she's talking about the bike.

> (off his look)
> Ah yes, the outfit. For a...costume
> party. Just trying it out. One never
> knows how leather will wear.

TOM <ROBIN>: Oh, I know THAT.
CROW: Don't worry, it'll ride up with wear!

> (helping him up)
> Judo lessons at school, you know.
> All the rage, really. I suppose
> they've taken better than I thought.
> Again, my greatest of pardons.
>
> She's gone before Dick has a chance to speak. he stares
> after her. All is not as it seems in Wayne Manor.

ALL: Duh!

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