MiSTed: Spam for Email Spam (Let me know how I did...)
Michael Powers
This is my first attempt at a MiSTing, and I know that I violated
protocol by not going through the dibs list, but I was inspired.
Flame away if it's a horrible breach of protocol. And tell me how I
did with the actual MiSTing itself, if it's not too much trouble.
Enough with the self-deprecation! On with the show!
(6...5...4...3...2...)
>From: ne...@gdi.net
Tom: I think someone's been playing a little too much Command &
Conquer.
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Crow: Does this guy tapdance through minefields in his spare time?
>Subject: ADVERTISE TO OVER 100 MILLION PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!
Tom: Stand on street corners and shout!
Mike: A hundred million people will walk by...eventually.
>Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 21:15:45
>Organization: Global Datalink, Inc.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, we know it's just a front for the _real_ GDI.
Mike: And you say that _he's_ the one who's been playing too much
C&C?
>Lines: 138
>Message-ID: <5jmc2j$6...@news.gdi.net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pm7b-15.gdi.net
Crow: pm7b-15, krz8-84, hup, hup, HIKE!
>Path: reznor.larc.nasa.gov!
Tom: Nine inch Nails is receiving this? At NASA?!?!
Crow: Maybe ol' Trent's finally gone totally wacko.
>news.tec.army.mil!zombie.ncsc.mil!newsgate.duke.edu!
>news-relay.ncren.net!gatech!news1.mid->ga.com!nntp.mid-ga.com!
>news.oru.edu!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!
>news->peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!sprint!howland.erols.net!
>newshub2.home.com!newshub1.home.c>om!news.home.com!enews.sgi.com!
>news.corp.sgi.com!news.sgi.com!news.tamu.edu!news.bihs.net!news
>.gwi.net!news.fdt.net!news-xfer.atlantic.net!news.utelfla.com!news.gdi.net!news
>Xref: reznor.larc.nasa.gov rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:115307
Mike: My head hurts.
>Please take the time out to read this email. it is worth your time.
All: (Snicker)
Crow: Like we've got anything BETTER to do!
>ADVERTISE TO OVER 100 MILLION PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!
> Or send a message to millions of people...
Mike: For only slightly more money!
Crow: Like how much more?
Mike: Well, on a scale of none to infinity, not much at all.
Tom: Oh, I see...I think...
>NOW YOU CAN ADVERTISE FREE AND GET DRAMATICALLY
>MORE RESPONSES THAN ADVERTISING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
Crow: ...at 3 AM on a single local cable channel!
>With E-mail your potential customer is forced to read at least the
>headline of your letter.
Mike: You WILL read this headline! (whipcrack)
> Unlike TV, magazines, newspaper ads, and
>direct mail where more than 99.99% of the recipients will skip right
>over your advertisement.
Tom: As well they should.
Crow: It's not hard for something to skip over your head, tiny.
Tom: Yeah, well, with that catcher's mitt you've got up there, I bet
you don't miss much!
Crow: Oh YEAH?!
Mike: RAM chips for dessert...
Tom & Crow: Awww yeah!
>TURNS YOUR COMPUTER INTO A CASH REGISTER:
Mike: Turns your dishwasher into a vacuum cleaner!
Tom: I turned my computer into a cash register once. But the pennies
I put inside shorted it out.
> Conservative estimates indicate
>well over 100 MILLION people will have E-mail accounts in the next year!
Crow: I thought conservatives were trying to stop people from using
the internet.
>E-Mail Blaster
Tom: Is this anything like Math Blaster?
Crow: What do you do, shoot the headers as they approach from the
ethernet port?
>turns your computer into a cash register by giving you FREE,
>immediate access to all of them.
Mike: This program gives me immediate access to all cash registers?
Isn't that kinda illegal?
>Do you think some of the more than 100
>million people with E-mail addresses would be interested in your products or
>services?
Mike: Who cares, let's fill their mailboxes with unasked-for ads for
pencil varnish anyway!
Tom: The Spammer's Credo.
>Even if you don't have your own products or services you can
Crow: I'm assuming he didn't really mean this the way it sounds.
>still make money buy
Crow: Ah, here we have the point of all this!
Tom: Mis-spelling, or subliminal message? YOU be the judge!
>promoting our computer software!!!
>You can make money with our new software called E-MAIL BLASTER
Tom: ...by using the included floppies as backup disks instead of
buying new ones!
>Here's how:
>* By Using E-Mail To Sell Your Products & Services
Mike: ...you can piss off millions of people and help force every ISP
on the planet to upgrade their hardware to keep from losing the one in
ten non-spam messages they get!
>* By Using E-Mail To Sell our Computer Software such as: Email Blaster, Web Walker,
>Email Lock Box etc.
Tom: ...you can save us the money we'd have otherwise spent on actual
advertising!
Crow: As if anybody'd want to write ads for an email spammer program.
>* By Renting or Selling Your E-mail Addresses
Crow: ...you put your name on every advertising email list known to
man!
>* By Becoming A Distributor for e-mail BLASTER
Mike: thIs gUy's stArtIng tO sOUnd lIkE tOrgO...
>MUCH FASTER: With bulk E-mail you get responses
Tom: read 'flames'.
> back in 1 to 4
>days instead of waiting weeks or months like with television or print
>advertising.
Mike: Um, I don't think that the Post Office is _that_ slow.
> You can begin filling orders the same day you send E-mail.
Crow: "Can" and "Will" are two different concepts, pal.
>FREE ADVERTISING WORTH MILLIONS:
Tom: Wait, doesn't basic economics say that if something is free,
then its price is nothing? And if price is a measure of worth, then
how can something be free and worth millions at the same time?
Crow: Well, I can think of something...
Mike: (glares at Crow)
Crow: Sunlight.
> It costs millions of dollars to mail out
>millions of letters using the United States Postal Service! Now you can
>send your ad to MILLIONS of people for FREE using E-Mail BLASTER
Mike: Some people have no shame.
Tom: No, I think that what we're looking for here is "no concept of
reality".
>E-MAIL BLASTER IS ACTUALLY 3 PROGRAMS IN 1:
Crow: It's the Swiss Army Knife of email spammer programs.
> E-Mail Blaster is amazing new
>technology
Tom: Created on fresh, amazingly new electrons!
Mike (farmer accent): We's allus use frosh-picked electrons.
> and the most advanced bulk E-mail software on the market today.
Crow: Note the clever attempt to disguise the program's true purpose,
by calling it "bulk" email software.
Mike: What, are we supposed to think it helps keep us regular?
>(1) E-Mail BLASTER automatically extracts E-mail addresses from America
>Online, CompuServe, Prodigy, and the other online services,
Tom: Oh, like that's SO hard.
> the Internet,
>web pages, news groups, and hundreds of other sources.
Crow: So do they come from the Internet, or "web pages, news groups,
and hundreds of other sources"?
Tom: I'm more worried about what these "other sources" are. The GDI
network?
Mike: You've been reading alt.conspiracy again, haven't you?
> (2) E-Mail BLASTER
>automatically stores the E-mail addresses in your computer along with
>keywords that describe hobbies and interests to created highly targeted
>E-mail addresses.
Tom: "Highly Targeted" in the sense of "addresses with the NOSPAM
removed."
> (3) E-Mail BLASTER sends your marketing letter or ad to
>MILLIONS of targeted E-mail addresses at the push of a single button!
Mike: The "Flush" button.
Crow: I can think of a few buttons I'd like to push, like the "power"
button for this guy's computer.
>HOW DOES E-MAIL BLASTER WORK?
Tom: It works...as advertised. (evil grin)
Mike: What? When did you get teeth?
Tom: (technobabble rant about nanobots, alien technology, cloning,
matter transmutation...)
Crow: He was reading Usenet for about an hour before this...
Mike: I think we know where he went, too.
>E-Mail Blaster has dozens of special filters
Mike: Like a charcoal filter for your fish tank, which is where
you'll throw your disks after you get busted for spamming.
>to automatically harvest E-mail addresses from major online services such as:
>America OnLine, Compuserve, Delphi, Genie, and of course the internet.
Tom: Oh, yes, of _course_ the internet, how could I have forgotten?
>AOL AUTO EXTRACTOR:
Crow: You know, if you read that the right way, it says that you can
get a car out of AOL.
Mike: Sure, just sue them for breach of contract!
>E-Mail Blaster has many special features
Tom: Exploding socks?
Crow: Electronic Snore Suppressers?
Mike: Built-in Super Soaker 200s?
> like the AOL
>Auto Extractor that let's you use a regular dial-up Internet connection to
>collect names and addresses from America Online.
Mike: This guy clearly knows nothing of the ways of the Internet.
Crow: And you do?
> Collect America Online
>addresses without being a member.
Tom: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member...
Crow (interrupts): Have you no decency, sir?
>Allows you to download
Crow: Nudies?
> names and addresses
Crow: D'oh!
>from America Online without paying membership fees or online charges. Auto Extractor
Mike: ...gets your vehicle out of those tight spots caused by trying
to escape the cops chasing you for email spamming!
Tom: Mike, that doesn't happen yet.
Mike: Well, it ought to.
>for all of the online services and Special E-mail database search engines will
>also be available at no additional charge.
Tom: First he claims it's free but worth millions. Now he says
options are available for no _additional_ charge, implying that there
actually is a charge in the first place!
Crow: Tom, you crack me up. Haven't you figured this out yet?
>SIMPLE TO USE: E-Mail Blaster does all the work for you.
Mike: Crow, I know that you could go anywhere with that one, so
don't, okay?
Crow: (hums innocently and looks at the ceiling).
> Unlike other
>programs where you must cut & paste addresses, E-Mail Blaster does it for you
>automatically.
Crow: Yow! Buy me a copy!
Mike: Oh, Crow, I thought we'd agreed...
Crow: I didn't say anything. Nobody saw me. You can't pin anything
on me, I got friends!
> And, unlike other E-mail programs, with E-Mail Blaster there
>is no need to purchase any additional software
>SPEED: Your time is important.
Tom: Then why did you make us spend it reading this idiotic spam for
a spam program?
Crow: Tom's a poet and he don't know it!
(Drums-and-bass-rhythym music kicks off in the background.)
Tom: He's on tha lam, readin' bout a spam, sittin' in a tram, don't
give a HOOT!
>E-MAIL Blaster is DRAMATICALLY FASTER
Mike: So I guess it...ACTS QUICKLY!
Tom: Har har.
> at
>extracting and sending E-mails than all the other programs on the market
>that we tested it against.
Crow: Yeah, I guess automated message-sending is better than
hand-typing "Dear so-and-so, we feel that you may be interested in our
new line of cat-hair weavers".
>NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT NEEDED:
Crow: ...for the most worthwhile pastime of them all!
Mike: You're begging for a timeout, buddy.
> E-Mail Blaster runs on a PC with Windows
>3.xx
(Mike grabs Crow's beak. Crow starts to vibrate violently)
Crow (beak held shut): MMMPH MMMMPH AAMMMMMPPHH!!!
>Windows 95, Windows NT, a 386 or faster processor, 4 MB RAM, and a
>hard drive with at least 10 MB free
Tom: 4 MB RAM and Windows NT to run an email spammer program? What
does it do, penetrate Soviet airspace in the bargain?
(Mike releases Crow's beak)
Crow: Pshew!
>and your own SLIP
Crow: Gee, Nelson, I guess you're all set then!
Mike: I guess I deserved that, but it was for your own good,
really...
>or PPP
Tom: Proportional Protrusion Propounders?
Mike: Prokofievan Peanut Plasterers?
Crow: (#8--P
> connection. No
>other software needed.
>Also runs on a Macintosh with Soft Windows installed.
Tom: You're kidding, something that actually runs on a Macintosh?
Crow: "Runs" is not "Runs Well", my friend.
All: "Most Apps Crash, If Not, The OS Hangs"
>
>******************************************************************
(Tom and Mike duck. THONK! The line hits Crow).
Mike: Crow! Are you okay? Speak to me, buddy! Don't worry, I'll
fix ya! Hang on!
Crow: ooooggg...I see stars...
Mike: Hey, I got it...(He slaps Crow on the back of the head. ****
flies out the front.)
Crow: Aaaah, I can see again! But now I feel dizzy...
>This message was sent using E-Mail Blaster.
Tom: So what you're saying is that its results aren't any different
from any other program?
>E-Mail Blaster is The World's Leading Bulk E-mail software.
>With E-Mail Blaster you can advertise to over 100 million people for FREE!
Crow: Email Blaster will whiten your teeth. Email Blaster will make
you irresistible. Email Blaster will create a one-hundred dollar bill
every night.
>Cost: We are giving away Email Blaster your only cost is $165.00 License fee.
All: BUAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Tom: Amazing! After all this yadda about how it's free to use, he
says that it costs darn near TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?
Mike: Well, you see, it's free to use, once you've bought it.
Crow: This is cheesier than 'MAKE MONEY FAST'.
>THAT'S IT!!!
Tom: All right, we get to go now!
(He activates his hoverskirt and tries to fly through the door, nearly
concussing himself in the process.)
>Our company is in the software business of developing cutting edge products, so
Crow: I can think of some cutting edges I'd like to test out on your
developers, too.
Mike: Now Crow, we talked about saying those sorts of things.
>we know if you have the opportunity to use our software FREE
Tom: We will KNOW, so there is NO USE trying to hide it from us!
> you will be our future
>customers. We know we need you to make our software business a true success!
Mike: I'd say most businesses require customers to be a true success,
for that matter.
>(Please if our lists are incorrect put "remove" in the subject and just
>hit "REPLY" and you will not be bothered again.
Tom: ...by one of the eight gazillion spammers using our product.
The rest will continue to bug you.
> Please forgive our mistake).
Crow: Not a chance, buddy!
(All duck)
>*************************************************************************************
Crow: Not that time! (Jumps up to make an obscene gesture at the
stars)
>*************************
(WHONK! The stars nail Crow in the rear end.)
Crow: EEEyoaw! Those things hurt!
Mike: See? God's revenge for those cracks earlier.
>To take advantage of this opportunity,
Tom: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
> please fill out the order form below and fax to
> 1-407-380-3545. Don't miss out on this opportunity! Sales Rep: (Nejeh Yusuf @ 407 380 3545 )
Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen, take note of this number; and have your
4:30 AM pizza orders ready
Crow: Hey, his phone number's the same as his fax. Does that mean
he's a human fax machine?
>Name: _____________________________________________________
Tom: ...is top secret. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill
you.
>Address:____________________________________________________
Crow: 666 KillKillDie Street, Friendlytown USA
>City:___________________________________________
Mike: ...of Death!
>State:___________________________
Tom: ...of Panic.
>Zip:_____________________________
Crow: ...is OPEN! Heh heh.
>Telephone::_____________________________________________
Mike: Does he really expect to get some chick's number out of this?
>E-Mail Address:__________________________________________
Tom: ...so we can spam the living daylights out of you.
>#of Copies @ $165.00 each ______________
Crow: Zero!
Mike: What's sad is that there's probably somebody who really will
buy this.
>If you would like to run Email Blaster on multiple computers
Tom: ...you're NUTS but we'd be glad to sell you two copies.
> or if you would
>like to resell Email Blaster for up to $499. you may purchase additional copies
>of Email Blaster for only $165.00. Retails for $499.00
Tom: Aargh! Now I'm totally confused! First it's free and worth
millions or nothing, then it's worth $165, now it's FIVE HUNDRED
DOLLARS?
Mike: Calm down, the post's nearly over.
Tom: But I'm going to be up all night thinking about this one!
> This price is only available
Mike: ...where not prohibited by law.
Crow: Hopefully nowhere!
>at the time of this order! So, Take advantage now and reserve your additional copies now!
(All duck)
>****************************************************************************
>WE DO ALSO ACCEPT CHECKS BY FAX AND PHONE.
Crow: Hang on, I'll draw a picture of a check and fax it to you.
Mike: I'm still trying to figure out how they can accept a check by
phone.
Tom: Apparently spammers really are as brainless as we thought.
>WHY WAIT WHILE YOU CAN GET AHEAD.
Tom: I like the one I've got, thanks.
Crow: Mike? Mike, I'm not saying anything. Mike?
Mike: Okay, here you go. (Hand a RAMchip to Crow, who wolfs it
down.)
Tom: Fire in the hole!
(Crow chokes on his RAMchip but ducks in time).
>*********************************************************************************
Crow: KAAK HAAK HORNK (spew)
Tom: Good lord, Crow, that's disgusting.
Crow: You try inhaling silicon and see how far you get.
>If you would like to pay by check, money order, or cashiers check
Mike: Which we DON'T.
> please make payable to: Nejeh Yusuf
>mail to: 2168 River Park Blvd. Orlando Florida 32817 or Fax to 1-407-380-3545 along with this order
>form.
Crow: Hitmen are converging on this address as we speak.
Tom: There it is again! I'm telling you, the Illuminati are
conspiring to use the tabloids and Arnold Schwarzenegger to take over
the world's Bauxite production!
Mike: All right, that's it. No more card games for you no matter how
much you beg!
(...2...3...4...5...6)
What do you think, sirs?