MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 4/6)
Loren Haarsma
=========================== part 4/6 ===============================
[return from commercials]
[SOL control room. Mike (the *real* Mike, in the green jumpsuit) and
Tom Servo are at the desk.]
TOM: OK, try this one. Picture him as an ambassador from a warring
planet who is negotiating a treaty with the help of the kiddy captain.
He's tough, even gruff at first, but soon comes to respect the kid-
captain and winds up agreeing with whatever she says.
TOM & MIKE: [look thoughtful for a few seconds] Hmmmmm....
MIKE: You're right, Tom. It really works!
[Crow comes on camera.]
CROW: Hey, what's up?
MIKE: Tom's got a way to make these Ratliff fanfics a lot less painful.
CROW: Really?!
TOM: You see, Crow, Hollywood often has to work with scripts based on
an absurd premise and filled with wooden characters, stilted
exposition, and predictable formulas. How do producers turn awful
concepts into tepid but financially successful movies or multi-season
TV shows? Answer: by hiring the right actor.
MIKE: Like Tommy Lee Jones in "Volcano."
CROW: Oh, yeah! Or Sandra Bullock in "Speed."
MIKE: Or Gene Hackman in "The Quick and the Dead."
TOM: Or Nick Cage in "The Rock."
MIKE: Or Sean Connery in "The Rock."
CROW: Or Sean Connery in ... well ... almost everything he's done!
TOM: Exactly. So for a Ratliff story, it's simply a matter of finding
the right actor to play all the pathetic *adult* characters. And,
I ask, who could be better for this unenviable task than ...
Ernest Borgnine --- the MSG of actors.
MIKE: "MSG"?
TOM: Mono-sodium glutamate.
CROW: Oh, I get it! See, if you add Ernest Borgnine to a movie or TV
show that's already good, it's like adding MSG to a food dish that's
already tasty. It adds its own distinctive and intriguing flavor,
without actually ruining the movie or the food dish, if you use it in
small quantities.
TOM: Yes. But even more importantly, if you liberally add MSG to a
bland and tasteless dish --- just like adding Ernest Borgnine to a
bland and tasteless movie or TV show --- you go a long way
towards making it, if not actually good, then at least palatable.
MIKE: Hey, I think you're onto something.
TOM: Also like MSG, Ernest Borgnine causes strong adverse reactions
in some people.
CROW: And a prolonged, steady diet of it is probably unhealthy.
MIKE: OK, so how about this one. Imagine Ernest Borgnine as a
Lieutenant Commander in engineering or security who keeps having to
take orders from these kids whenever they usurp control, but who
always obeys willingly and with good humor because he realizes
they're so brilliant; and he always sticks up for the kids whenever
some other clueless adult with *actual* experience questions their
rightful command.
TOM, CROW & MIKE: [look thoughtful for a few seconds] Hmmmmm....
CROW: Hey, you're right! That helps a lot! OK, how about Ernest
Borgnine as an evil admiral who has nothing but contempt for the
kids and is secretly a traitor.
TOM, CROW & MIKE: Hmmmm....
MIKE: Nope, that doesn't really work. I can't see him as a stupid-but-
evil villain.
TOM: Oh, I've got one! He's the ship's captain, competent and even a
little clever when necessary, who acts as a kind-hearted surrogate
father figure, but who is incapacitated in some improbable way each
week so that the Kids' Crew can take over and save the day, but
doesn't seem to mind that this always keeps happening, and gives the
Kids' Crew all the privilege and authority they want and always takes
their side when someone challenges them because he knows they're so
perfect.
TOM, CROW & MIKE: Hmmmm....
CROW: Yeah, I can *definitely* picture that.
MIKE: This is great! From now on, I'm going to picture Ernest Borgnine
playing just about every adult character in a Ratliff story.
CROW: Not only that, but when fanfic sign goes off again, *we* don't
have to go back into that theater.
[Fanfic light goes off. Mike hits it.]
ALL: FANFIC SIGN --- AND WE DON'T CARE!
[They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]
[Cambot settles into place, and the text resumes scrolling.]
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 7 - New
Crow13: But certainly not improved.
>> Date: 15 Oct 1996 16:13:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 101
>> Message-ID: <540d6l$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
Tom08: Breathless anticipation fills the theater....
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 7
>> Disclaimer in part 1
Crow08: So, in other words, too late for objections.
Crow12: Plot errors in parts 1 through 13.
>> other parts available at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Six
Tom13: ...Six six. The Chapter of the Beast.
Tom12: Die Harder.
Tom07: Premier Maquis with a Vengeance.
>>
>> The Stargazer looped around the Maquis raiders firing at whoever
>> was closer.
Mike12: Which turned out to be itself. It wasn't really a winning strategy.
Mike08: Even the Roanoke. They weren't that particular.
Tom10: When battle scenes get lazy.
Mike13: Do you feel that any of the crew on the Stargazer is in any danger,
whatsoever?
Crow13: Nope.
Mike13: Neither do I.
>> Every once in a while a torpedo would explode by a raider,
Tom08: Well, that chili will do that to ya.
>> courtesy of the Kid's crew of the Roanoke.
Crow10: Yeah, thanks for the help... bunch of schmuckle balls.
Tom13: Then they transported one underneath Marrissa's chair as a prank,
and the Captain decided that things had gone too far.
Tom04: If only the Kids Crew ran the Sheraton. Not just complimentary
mints... not just towels and soap... to make your stay more
enjoyable, the management provides these Courtesy Torpedoes at
no extra charge.
>> Meanwhile Marrissa's red
>> and blue wings, and Marrissa herself pursued targets among the raiders,
>> sowing confusion where ever they went.
Tom02: And harvesting bumper crops of pain and misery.
Mike09: Oh, now that's just too easy.
Tom08: Oh, they had to wait for a space battle to sow confusion?
Mike10: Finally, her natural talents really come to the front.
Crow12: Marrissa sowing confusion? Go figure.
>> Then suddenly, the Stargazer took on the appearance of a
>> collision course, full impluse.
Crow07: Hey, look, the Stargazer looks like a collision course!
Crow09: Look out! It's colliding with --- itself?
Crow08: They were saving their imPULSE engines for later.
Tom08: Don't you think a Star Trek fan should at least have a working
knowledge of the gear he's working with?
>> "Separation in 10 ... 9 ..." Closer
>> and faster they went. Collision emanate.
Mike08: Wow. Look at that. It's not often you see a collision
emanate from something.
Mike05: [as crewman] Um, Captain, I'm not sure if the laws of physics
allow me to carry out that last order....
Tom13: Oh, I *hate* it when collisions emanate. They're such a bother
to clean up.
>> "6 ... 7 ..."
Mike07: [a la Spaceballs] What happened to 8? And why is he going in the
opposite direction now?
Tom08: Things are so crazy, the count's going in reverse!
Mike08: The Stargazer's parts have made up, and they're getting even
CLOSER together.
>> On the Bridge of the Maquis Defiance, a.k.a. the Fearless,
Tom06: a.k.a. Pablo.
Mike12: a.k.a. Johnny Badnote.
Mike13: a.k.a. 007.
Crow13: AK-47....
Crow08: [as annoucer] Previously on... What story is this again?
Tom08: "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}"... I think.
>> the
>> operations officer announced, "The Stargazer is on a collision course.
>> Impact in ten seconds."
>> "Evasive,"
Tom09: [as officer] I am not, I'm telling you as plainly as I can!
>> Eddington got out, too late for the helmsman to
>> respond.
Crow06: [as helmsman] Wait, sir! We're in the middle of a battle!
Where are you going?!
Tom05: Boy, talk about lack of initiative! Huge starship on a collision
course. "Ah, I'll just maintain current course and heading.
Wouldn't want to act without a direct order...."
Crow02: [Documentary style] Starship crews are unintelligent and unable
to think of moving out of the way of an incoming attack unless
their Captain tells them to.
>> On the screen, the sideways ship closed, then suddenly the warp
>> engines pealed off.
All05: [ripping/stripping noise]
All08: [screeeeching noises]
Crow04: The impulse engines chimed.
Crow10: This scene rings a bell.
Mike12: It's an avocado ship!
>> The saucer itself stopped.
All05: [braking/crashing noise]
Tom13: Newton's first law of motion went completely by the wayside.
Crow09: [as Bugs Bunny] Whew! Lucky dis ting had air brakes!
>> The warp pairs made
Tom08: LOVEly couples.
>> organized strikes down the sides of the Intrepid Class Maquis vessel,
Mike04: You know ... pickets, liberals, bullhorns, Jimmy Hoffa ---
the whole nine yards.
>> as
>> the crew continued to stare.
Crow08: They had no lines in this scene.
Tom13: Luckily for Starfleet, the Maquis were totally unable to perform
under pressure.
Tom09: [as crewman] Uh, shouldn't we be doing something?
Mike09: [as another crewman] Please! We're basking in the gracefulness
of this maneuver!
Crow12: Close your mouth, son, you'll get flies in it.
Mike10: [reaches up, tries to push a crewmember's mouth closed.]
>> The saucer then made a corkscrew turn back
>> toward the Roanoke,
Crow06: Wait, wait ... when did the Roanoke throw a corkscrew at the
saucer?
Tom12: Where did they get a corkscrew and why are they forcing it to do
things like that?
>> righting itself and tossing a volley of torpedoes at
>> the Fearless, almost absentmindedly.
Crow06: Now the corkscrew's got torpedoes?! I'm confused....
Tom07: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking absentminded
scene.
Mike05: Huh? Do you have even the slightest idea what happened there?
Crow05: Well, not really, but it's sort of interesting to see that
Starfleet just lobs photon torpedoes around willy-nilly like that.
Mike12: Gee, you'd think Marrissa was in command.
Mike10: [as Duvek] Oh, man, you know there's fudge pops in the freezer?
Oh, wait, better destroy these evil guys, I guess.
Tom10: [as Duvek] Hey, which one actually *was* the best Mighty Ducks
movie ever?
Crow13: Did *any* of that make any sense whatsoever?
Mike13: Well, maybe Ratliff's taking our suggestions and trying to make
action sequences.
Tom13: We take it back! We take it all back!
Mike08: I'm glad Ratliff decided to personify the Stargazer's saucer
section.
Tom08: It's my favorite character so far.
>> "Shields at 50 percent," the tactical officer announced.
>> "Follow the saucer," Eddington ordered.
Mike13: Follow the gourd!
Tom13: No, no, follow the shoe!
Tom09: It's Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzi in "The Lost Saucer"!
>> "We'll see if we can
>> retrieve our strike team before we leave."
Tom06: [as Eddington] Maybe the Stargazer will do something stupid
like not shoot us when we lower our shields to beam out the
team....
Crow08: [as Eddington] If not, screw it. There's more where they came
from.
Mike10: I'm sure they appreciate not being left to die in the cold of
space.
>>
>> Meanwhile, Marrissa's two wings of fighters were after the
>> eleven remaining raiders.
Tom08: [NFL films voice] They were in a fourth-and-inches situation.
Now was the time to show the Cleveland crowd what they were made
of....
Crow10: Green Bay is just soaking up the penalties this game.
>> She and Lieutenant Matt Grubb
Tom04: Didn't he draw "Life In Hell"?
Crow10: He's the one with a puffy white body that keeps getting eaten by
honey badgers.
>> (blue wing's
>> commanding officer) were busy directing their forces. "Picard to Red
>> two, watch your back."
Crow08: [as Red two] With YOU writing my fit-reps? COUNT on it.
Mike09: [as Red two] I can't, my head won't swivel back that far!
Tom13: [as Luke Skywalker] Wedge, Biggs, pull up! Pull up!
>> "I see him, Commander."
>> "Red four to Red five, you've got a tail"
Crow06: [as Red Four] You really should see a doctor to get that
amputated.
Tom04: [as female fighter commander] One more comment like that, mister,
and I'll have you court-martialed for sexual harassment!
Mike08: [Luke Skywalker] This is Red Five standing by. R2, try and
increase the power.
Mike10: I'm getting this sense of deja vu for some reason.
>> "I can't shake him."
Mike09: [as Red Five] But I can kind of make him vibrate a little.
Tom04: [as Wedge] Whoa! That got 'im!
Tom08: [phone ringing noise]
Mike08: Hello? Yes. Right. Uh huh. [Click] Hey, Stephen, that was
George Lucas. He wants his dialogue back.
>> "Picard to Red Three, Four, Six, relieve Five of his tail.
Tom13: SNIP!
Crow13: OWWWWWWWWWW!
Tom09: The Starfleet Decaudation Squad leaps into action.
>> I'll be joining you."
Mike06: [as Red Five] Oh, thanks a lot, guys! Now you got the Little
Princess to stick her nose in....
Mike08: [as Marrissa] But first I have to make a side trip to the Dagobah
system....
Mike13: [as Marrissa] Do you, Red Three, take Red Four to be your
lawfully wedded spouse....
>> Marrissa turned her fighter from the raider she had been
>> following toward the raider causing Red Five trouble.
Crow06: [as Red Five] Thanks for causing me more trouble, Marrissa....
Tom10: They wouldn't have that Red Five Trouble if they thought to take
some Pepcid AC about a half hour before eating.
>> She noted this
>> course would cause her to pass between the secondary hull saucer of the
>> Nebula class starship.
Tom08: She reflected on all the times she had crashed during the
trench run on X-Wing CD.
>> As she closed, she noticed that the Maquis
>> raider in question's rear shields were lit up like a firefly.
All08: [girlish voice] Preeeeeeeeeetty!
Tom07: The wonders of luciferase. Will they never cease?!
Mike07: Huh?
Tom07: The chemical that makes fireflies light up.
Mike07: Oh.
>> She
>> crossed the saucer of the Roanoke
Crow08: And then double-crossed it!
>> and came out in front of the raider
>> and fired her two mini-torpedoes and phasers.
Mike10: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, these mini-torpedoes are just
*delicious*, all the taste of a big ol' cheese hoagie, but in
this neat little snackable size.
Crow10: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, ya. I always bring one if I know I'm
going to be caught in traffic during the day and just need a
little perk-me-up.
>> That was the last of the
>> raider, as it exploded and Red Three, Four, and Six peeled out of the
>> cloud of expanding gas that it left behind.
Tom04: How rude!
Mike04: Yeah --- like, light a match or something.
Crow06: [as Red Six] Whoo! What crawled up and died inside *that*
raider?
Tom08: Well, that chili will do that to ... Oh, you finish it. I'm
bitter.
Tom13: Um, wouldn't there be debris, shrapnel, that kind of thing, along
with the gas? Wouldn't that be kind of, you know, FATAL to the
fighters?
Crow13: C'mon, in that respect, he's being faithful to the original show.
>> "Black Leader to Fighter Commander," Dar Ducat's voice came.
>> "Black and Green joining up.
Mike09: [as Ducat] Forming emerald.
>> Where do you want us?"
Crow08: This is NO time for ... OH, you mean who do I want you to shoot.
[Mike13 clamps Crow13's beak shut.]
Tom13: Aw, you never let us have any fun.
Mike05: [as Marrissa] Oh, just fly around or something. I've decided
to win this battle single-handedly, and don't want you people
getting in the way of my glorious victory!
>> "Black odds take raider five," Marrissa began "Black even,
>> raider six, Green odd, seven, Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to
>> nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings."
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Now everyone repeat that back to me.
Mike04: Next time I go through the drive-thru at Burger King I'm going
to yell that as fast as I can.
Crow04: [intercom voice] Would you like fries with that?
Crow13: Red odds 5 to 1 ... PLAAAACE YOUR BETS!
Tom10: When did we land in Monte Carlo?
>> "Blue two to Commander, raider two is gone."
Mike13: [as Marrissa] Well, where did you have it last?
>> "Take raider ten Blue even. Leaders take raider eleven. Let's
>> clear these guys out."
Tom05: Huh?
Crow05: Nothing like having crystal-clear instructions when going into a
pitched battle.
Tom05: Yep, and those are certainly nothing like crystal-clear
instructions.
Crow08: [as Marrissa] And try to get 20,000 so we can get a bonus ship
and go on to the secret round.
Tom13: Show them a Pauly Shore movie. That ought to clear 'em out *real*
quick.
Mike06: [as Red Five] Open a channel to the Maquis ships... listen guys,
if you don't leave now, Marrissa's going to start giving one of
her little speeches!
Tom09: [singing as Elmer Fudd] Kill da waidews, kill da waidews, kill
da waidews, yo-ho!
>>
>> Three fighters on each Maquis Raider left little that the Maquis
>> could do,
Crow12: Other than die.
Tom08: As the writer was clearly biased against them.
Crow13: Except maybe --- I don't know --- SHOOT BACK!!
>> as raider after raider found itself losing.
Mike08: To an oppressive system set up by The Man.
Mike10: So now they're going to blackmail Oakland and Los Angeles, then
move to Saint Petersburg, Florida.
>> Meanwhile the
>> Defiance was trying to avoid the two warp pairs of the Stargazer.
Tom10: Bid two pairs, pass, bid three hearts ... you can save this one!
Tom12: [nerdy voice] Go away! Go away, you nasty warp pairs!
>> Unable to close on the Roanoke, the Defiance hit warp,
All10: Bonk!
>> exiting with the
Crow08: Plot hanging dead in the background.
>> warp pairs following. One by one, the raiders either followed suit or
>> were
Crow10: Confused.
>> destroyed.
Mike05: [as Marrissa] Oh, taking prisoners is such a bother! I'll have
to sign forms, and fill out all that paperwork. Just kill them
all, it's so much tidier that way....
Tom08: Well, at least they weren't "destoryed."
Mike08: Yeah, I hate when that happens.
Crow13: [bored monotone] I'm sure glad we survived yet another battle.
Mike13: [same] How many did we destroy?
Crow13: All of them.
Mike13: How many did we lose?
Crow13: None.
All13: [bored monotone] Yay.
>> The saucer, confined to impluse,
Crow10: [falsetto] You are grounded, missy, and don't you go emailing
your other starship friends now.
Crow08: So now the imPULSE engines are out, and the imPLUSE engines
are online.
>> took up guard above the
>> Roanoke. The red and blue wings returned to the fighter bay, by
>> Commander Picard's orders. The remaining wings took up station below
>> the Roanoke.
Crow06: [as remaining wings] So... we'll just stay here then?
Crow09: I guess that means Marrissa has a band on the run.
Tom09: I wonder if they're moving at the speed of sound.
Mike09: Probably heading for Venus.
Tom13: Since when are starships fighter carriers, anyway?
Mike13: Since Ratliff started watching "Star Blazers" tapes.
Crow13: Ouch.
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard returned to the bridge.
>> "Status, Duvek?" she asked,
Tom02: [as Duvek] I'm hungry, a little sleepy, and my wrist hurts, but
otherwise I'm fine ... oh ... you mean....
>> as he yielded command to her.
Tom12: [as Duvek] Here, take it. I didn't want it anymore anyway.
Crow13: [as Marrissa] Do you yield?
Tom13: [as Duvek] Yes! Yes! Now get your boot off my neck!
Mike07: Hey, he didn't tell us where everyone was sitting.
>> "The warp pairs are still after the Maquis vessel," Duvek began.
>> "No sign of any additional Maquis. Ship is secure."
Mike13: It has its widdle blankey.
Crow10: [as Duvek] But I'm not. Please hug me?
>> "Excellent, hail the Roanoke," Marrissa ordered. Kerstin
>> Szustakowski appeared once again from her classroom. "Kerstin, I must
>> compliment you on the photon torpedo trick."
Mike06: All right... who's holding a phaser to Marrissa's head?
Mike07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, I'll be taking credit for that in my
report.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] But next time, you will clear any blatant
violations of the laws of physics through me, do you understand?
Mike04: [as Marrissa] But if you *ever* do anything again before *I* do
it, you'll be floating home.
Tom10: Yes, the legion of Starfleet weapons experts couldn't think of
it in two centuries of work with transporters and photon torpedos,
but fortunately, it came up in alt.startrek.creative.
>> "Thank you Commander," Kerstin blushed.
>> "I think it's time to get rid of that occupation you're
>> suffering," Marrissa replied.
Crow08: So you're FIRED!
Mike08: Crow, that's TWICE you've taken the high road tonight. I'm
impressed.
Crow08: Well, you have to expand your horizons....
Tom09: The Maquis are like a storm raging inside you....
Crow10: [as Marrissa] We can do it on an outpatient basis, you know.
Do you have your health plan card?
>> "Would you mind if I removed them from
>> the Bridge and Engineering of your ship?"
Tom09: [as Kerstin] No. I want them to stay!
Tom07: [as Kerstin] No, leave 'em in. They're almost done.
>> "Those uninvited guests? Take them," Kerstin said, relieved.
Tom08: They were raiding the fridge, making long distance phone
calls....
Mike06: [as Kerstin] I was too polite to beam them off the ship
myself....
>> "Just get someone over here to see to the Medical needs of my crew.
Mike10: [as Kerstin] Over ten of us have boo-boos!
>> The
>> adults have been out for half a shift now."
Crow08: Lucky devils.
Tom02: Those lazy bastards.
Mike13: [as Kerstin] We'd like them to be out for a few more shifts so we
can finalize our takeover of the ship.
Crow09: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, they shouldn't be stayin' out so late on
a school night, ya know?
Tom09: [Ditto] Yah, they got a whaddayacallit, a quiz there tommorah.
>> "Doctor Johnson will be over shortly," Marrissa replied.
Tom04: [as Marrissa] ...To remove that plot device. Its function has
been served.
Crow10: ...So that *he* can be knocked out by the Mysterious Evil Gas That
Doesn't Affect Children.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] We've got a transporter problem, so no height jokes.
>> "Stargazer out."
Crow08: Wide lapels out.
Tom08: Bellbottoms out.
Mike09: [as Kerstin] Oh, that's just great! Stuck in the waiting room
again.
Crow09: Trade you this 1979 "Ladies' Home Journal" for that 1985
"McCall's."
Mike10: [as Duvek] I don't want to interrupt, but my life is a bitter,
meaningless string of hollow lies and empty gestures. Nobody
likes me.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 8
>> Date: 23 Oct 1996 02:03:33 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 151
>> Message-ID: <54judl$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: zazu.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
Crow09: [as Jimmy Stewart] Zazu's petals!
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> DS9: Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story
>> A Stargazer Mission
Mike09: A Soldier's Story.
Tom09: A Separate Peace.
Crow09: A Quinn Martin Production.
Crow08: A Complete Waste of Time.
Tom07: No, "Premier Maquis" is a floor wax!
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> part 8
>>
>> parts available on the web at:
Tom12: Parts is parts.
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> A Repost of parts 1-7 will follow.
Tom13: Oh, the horror! The horror!
All06: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
All13: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
All05: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Sparks and smoke emanate from Mike05, Tom05, and Crow05, and after a
few moments they rest in pieces.]
[Cambot flashes the status board and shows the digits flipping over ]
[like a gameshow scoreboard: ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 18 ]
[ Replicants remaining: 27 ]
[ Fanfic status: 55% complete ]
>> Comments requested.
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu?"
Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
Mike08: If it's funny the first time, it's funny the thousandth time!
Tom06: Well, if Ratliff shoots as good as he writes, we should be pretty
safe....
>>
>> Chapter Seven
Tom12: Jason Goes to Hell.
Tom07: Russ Meyer's Beyond the Valley of the Premier Maquis.
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer NCC-2893
>> Stardate 51381.89
Tom10: But you can take that in three easy payments of 17127.2967
stardates each.
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington commanding.
Crow08: Because Marrissa is busy.
Mike13: Oh, stop fooling yourself --- Marrissa's in charge, and you
know it!
>> ... After defending the Roanoke,
Tom06: ...We went on to get an acquittal for Erik and Lyle Menendez.
>> we chased the Intrepid class
>> vessel stolen by the Maquis
Crow10: You'd think they could narrow down what the name of the ship
was, if it's the only one that's been stolen in a hundred years.
>> into the badlands.
Tom06: [as Maquis] Once we get to South Dakota, we can hide in those
rock formations.
Mike07: Bad lands! Naughty lands!
Tom12: No one under the age for 24 was involved, so there's no need to
describe what happened.
>> Unfortunately, we lost
>> them in a plasma storm.
Mike08: Tch tch tch tch. Typical!
Crow06: [as T'Gwen] It was horrible! There was straw-colored liquid
everywhere, and then the blood cells and platelets hit us!
Tom04: [as announcer] The storm instantly transported them to the Omega
Quadrant, some 90 bazillion light years from Earth. See it all
on the new Ratliff Network series, "Star Trek: Stolen Intrepid
Class Starship." Check your local listings.
Mike04: You know, if that happened to Ro, I bet she'd end up in the Rho
quadrant.
Crow04: Relatively speaking, I don't see why you find scatalogical
references so upsetting.
Tom10: Remember, kids: science words don't actually mean anything, so
you can combine them any way you like when you write your own
science fiction stories.
>> I and Glinn Gusat
All09: Gesundheit!
Tom13: Hey, everybody, let's go see "I and The King"!
Crow13: "I and Frank"!
Mike13: "Claudius, I"!
Bots13: Yeah... huh?
>> returned to the saucer and
>> docked.
Mike07: If you know what I mean, wink wink.
Crow08: [as T'Gwen] And then we put the ship back together.
Mike08: I HAVE to give you that one.
Tom06: [as T'Gwen] Not now, Glinn honey, wait until we get to my
quarters....
>> Lieutenant Commander Picard had, in our absence,
Mike12: Conquered the known universe.
Crow09: Declared herself Queen of Everything and had the entire crew
beheaded for serving her lukewarm strawberry crumpets.
>> retaken the
>> bridge and other occupied areas of the Roanoke.
Crow06: ...Allowing our troops to cross in safety.
>> Doctor Johnson has
>> filled our sickbay,
Tom08: With roses!
Crow12: With strawberry juice.
>> and theirs with the Roanoke's comatose crew.
Mike09: [commercial announcer] We're overstocked on Roanoke crew, and
everything *must* GO!!!
Tom10: Then he started laying brick and mortar and sealed them all in,
cackled evilly, and started drinking.
Tom12: Comatose Crew --- good band name.
>> He
>> believes they will recover without ill effect within 48 hours, but
>> recommends a week's recovery period.
Tom04: But the emotional scars will last a lifetime.
Mike08: A week to recover from the battle. They'll need a MONTH off to
get them over the story itself.
Crow10: Medicine is so much easier when you can just make it all up.
Tom13: [as T'Gwen] I have recommended a relaxing spot --- the DMZ!
>> Per Picard's recommendation, I have left young Szustakowski in
Tom08: The brig.
>> command of the Roanoke.
Mike09: And the Kids' Crew Conspiracy takes control of yet another
starship.
Mike12: Wouldn't want to run the risk of having an adult in charge.
Mike10: [singing again] Charlie says, "I love my Szustakowski." Charlie
says, "It really rings the bell."
Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.
>> We are returning to Deep Space Nine with much
>> to ponder.
Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Okay, crew, what if we "accidentally" set the
transporter for maximum dispersion with Marrissa on the pad?
Could we get away with it?
Crow13: [as T'Gwen] Like, how'd we ever end up in such a rotten fanfic?
Tom13: Why did Radford U ever give Stephen Ratliff access to the
Internet?
Mike13: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Tom12: Will John marry Jane? Will Susan tell Dan that the child is
really David's?
Tom08: Such as, just maybe, just possibly, WHY ARE YOU LEAVING LITTLE
KIDS IN CHARGE OF A STARSHIP FOR A WHOLE WEEK??????
Mike08: Oh, Tom, try to just roll with it.
Crow08: Yeah, you can't expect Ratliff to all of a sudden become
logical or something....
>>
>> Marrissa, Doctor Johnson, Ross and Kathy Lochard, and Lieutenant
>> Lavelle were in Seven Slightly Starboard
Crow06: ...seeming slightly sloshed!
Mike02: Everytime I see that name, I crack up.
Crow02: It's not that funny.
Mike02: I never said I was laughing.
>> playing poker.
Crow10: Great, we're getting hand-me-down padding from Next Generation.
Tom12: Marrissa was, of course, winning.
Crow13: "Poker? I hardly even..."
Mike13: We've done that joke enough. Really.
>> "What I don't
>> get is how the Maquis took the Fearless," Ross commented, dealing out
Crow08: The exposition.
>> the final cards.
Tom13: And Ross was sad, for there were no more.
Mike12: [as Ross] That's all the cards we have, so this will have to be
the last hand.
Mike10: I guess it'd be completely pointless to check the computer
archives, bridge recorders, you know, all the stuff that gathers
evidence for when we have any trial scene in a Trek story....
Tom06: All right, they're wrapping up the loose ends! We're almost
done!!!
Mike06: Sorry, Tommy ... this is a Ratliff story, not a murder mystery.
>> "Your bid Lavelle."
Tom08: [as Lavelle] I bid five plot points.
>> "Five," Lavelle opened. "Their has to have been someone in their
>> command crew who helped them."
All08: [as entire crew] Oh, I can't believe we didn't spot that.
Crow12: Maybe it was one of the kids.
Crow10: It's them danged intellectuals, I tell you.
Tom06: [as Ross] Everything's a big conspiracy to you! Next you're
going to tell us that the moon landings were faked, right?
>> "I'll see you and raise you 10," Kathy responded.
Tom12: [as Lavelle] Of course you see me, I'm sitting right in front of
you!
>> "But all the
Crow08: King's horses and all the king's men couldn't put this story
together again.
>> command crew sans the doctor were left behind.
Crow13: Oh, Little Miss Kathy breaking out the French on us, eh?
Mike13: [as Kathy] Pretentious? Moi?
Mike10: You know, no one who's not speaking French or working in graphic
design should say "sans."
>> "So the doctor did it," Lavelle replied.
Tom09: In the Conservatory. With a candlestick.
Mike08: No, the butler did it. Don't these kids know anything?!
Crow10: Or maybe their Kids' Crew ran amuck and started pushing buttons
at random.
>> "I don't think so," Doctor Johnson commented. "We don't have
>> that much access.
Mike10: I think Johnson's trying to compensate for his own
inadequacies here.
>> I fold."
Crow08: Look! Origami!
Crow12: Wow, the Doctor's bitter.
>> "Then the agent stayed behind," Lavelle suggested.
Mike09: And the cheese stands alone.
>> "I'm going to have to shoot that one down, Sam," Marrissa said.
All13: BLAM!
Crow06: [as Sam] Marrissa, why do you always have to use your phaser to
kill flies?!
Tom02: [as Marrissa] I won't offer any data, but my simple assertion
should be more than adequate.
>> "See you and raise you twenty."
>> "Too rich for me," Ross folded. "I have to agree with you on
>> one point, Sam.
Mike12: [as Ross] Kathy Ireland is hot!
>> Someone had to have lots of clearance to pull that one
>> off."
Crow13: Could it be ... oh, let's see...
All13: ADMIRAL ELLIS???
Mike10: Or maybe they just turned the computer off and on again and put
their own boot disk in the drive....
>> "You mean they didn't just take her like they tried to do to the
>> Roanoke," Kathy queried.
>> "The ship was functioning too good for that to be the case,"
>> Ross stated.
Mike06: Yeah, you can always tell a pirated ship by the way she handles.
Crow10: I mean, unless they brought, like, tools along with them.
Tom12: [as Ross] I speak English good.
Tom08: Ross Bighunk evidently has a deep Brooklyn accent.
Mike08: Queried? Stated? This isn't a story. It's a writing drill!
>> "That's what I thought," Lavelle confirmed. "I'll see and raise
>> 20."
>> "I fold," Kathy responded.
Tom08: Well, YOU must be popular.
Mike07: They don't play cards; they all just fold until someone wins.
>> "If not the command crew then who?"
>> "I'll see your 20, Sam, and raise you 30," Marrissa called.
Tom10: Is there really a point to betting when the money doesn't count
for anything?
>> "I
>> have a couple suspicions on that."
Tom12: I'm so shocked.
Crow06: [as Marrissa] There's this couple I've been keeping my eye on
for some time now....
Crow10: Kenneth Starr has started investigating *this* too.
>> "Oh?" Sam Lavelle responded. "Who?
Mike12: The sequel to "Q-Who"!
>> I'll see you and raise you
>> 40."
>> "Admiral Ellis," Marrissa answered.
All13: [bored monotone] Wow. We didn't see that one coming.
Tom13: Obviously, Ratliff assumes his audience is as dim as his villains.
>> "I see you and raise you
>> 50."
All02: [poking toungues out] Nyaah!
Mike09: Geez, by now, the bet must be up to around a skajillion.
Crow09: I'll see your skajillion and raise you a bazillion!
Crow13: Does Ratliff even play poker? I've never seen anybody do raises
like this.
Mike13: Poetic license.
Tom13: Ratliff's poetic license should have been revoked *long* ago.
>> "Ellis? really Marrissa," Kathy remarked.
Mike06: [as Kathy] I don't know what you see in that man!
>> "Yeah, what have you got against him?" Ross asked.
Tom06: The same thing Marrissa has against anyone who stands between her
and power.
Mike09: He defied her divine will and must die.
Mike10: He's stood in the way of her plans for galactic domination.
Crow04: [as Marrissa] He outranks me. That is sufficient.
>> "I fold," Lavelle said.
Tom06: I love the way Ratliff combines exposition with a really dramatic
and exciting game of chance.
>> Marrissa pulled in the pot and
Tom06: Got out the rolling papers and roach clips.
Mike13: Just let it all hang loose, you know, brother?
Tom13: Spacey.
Crow13: Groovy.
>> replied, "He failed to send a
>> rescue party to the Roanoke when Kerstin requested one."
All13: AND?
Tom13: That can't be her entire reasoning.
Crow12: [as Marrissa] And he's really old.
Mike09: See? Any time anyone tries to stand up to these kids, they're
automatically marked for death.
Tom09: Yep, Marrissa runs a tight rein on the Kiddie Nostra.
>> "That sounds like a good enough reason," Doctor Johnson
>> concurred.
Mike06: Good enough reason to give the Admiral a commendation.
Crow13: Yeah, nobody would expect a distress call from an 8-year-old to
be a prank.
Tom10: "Concurred." That's either redundant, or bad writing. What am
I saying?
[Meanwhile, Tom02 and Crow02 get on the floor and bang their heads again.
This time, Mike02 joins them. After a few unison rounds of "I hate this
story" ... well ... you know. Three muffled "pops" are heard, and they
never return to their seats.]
[Cambot's status screen returns. The incorrect digits are erased, and ]
[the updated numbers are drawn in with magic-marker "squeak" sound ]
[effects: ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 21 ]
[ Replicants remaining: 24 ]
[ Fanfic status: 59% complete ]
>> "Is anyone charging him?"
Tom06: No, they're going to flank him.
>> "I've asked the JAG office to look into the matter," Marrissa
>> responded.
Crow09: Fridays, on CBS!
Mike07: Fridays, on CBS!
Tom08: Oh, don't bring the cast of "JAG" into this.
Tom04: Lt. Commander Harm Rabb, reporting for duty.
Tom13: Just A Guess?
Mike13: Jesters Always Giggle?
Crow13: Jumpsuits Are Groovy?
Tom13: What's with you and the word "groovy"?
Mike10: [as Marrissa] But the Admiral at JAG told me I wasn't worth
the effort and hung up on me, too. I'm sending assassins tomorrow
night.
>> "Well gentlemen, I've got Alpha shift tomorrow, so I'll be
>> going now."
Crow06: You need a scorecard to keep up with all the revelations in this
scene. Marrissa is really Admiral Ellis, and now Kathy is
apparently a guy!
Crow13: [documentary-style] Here ve see ze Alpha shift fighting ze
udder shifts for dominance of ze herd....
>> "Quitting while your ahead, I see," Ross Lochard stated.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Leave my ill-proportioned skull out of this.
Tom10: She's now a severed head floating in a vat of nutrients, so
Marrissa will be telepathically commanding starships for centuries
to come!
Tom09: Hey, he was Ross *Lockard* earlier. What gives?
Crow09: Maybe he switched from the Marqui to the Maquis.
Mike09: Just on Principal.
Mike13: "I like Texas, Maine, and Michigan," Tom stated.
Tom13: What? I never said that!
Crow13: It's a "Tom Swiftie," Servo --- a form of humor lower than a pun.
>> "Always, Lieutenant, first rule of tactics," Marrissa smiled.
Mike04: And, coincidentally, the 1087th Rule of Acquisition.
Crow10: Unless, of course, you're building up for a really cool,
humongous explosion later on.
Mike12: Actually the first rule of tactics is "Don't die."
Tom08: I thought that was, "Shoot first, ask questions later."
Mike08: No, it's "If it's stupid, but works, it isn't stupid."
Crow08: You're both wrong. It's "Do unto others as you would have
them do unto you."
Mike08: Oh, yeah, I ---
Tom08 & Mike08: HUH?
>> "And don't get too loud tonight, my room is right on the other side of
>> that wall."
Mike04: Which was unfortunate due to the AC/DC concert scheduled for that
night.
Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'd hate to have to come in here and kick ass.
Crow06: [as Marrissa] But don't talk too softly either, or I won't be
able to listen in.
Mike10: Because of Starfleet budget cuts, all starships are being built
as cheap townhouse apartments.
Tom07: Witty banter just doesn't get any better than this!
>>
>> Former Star Fleet Lieutenant Ro Laren sat in the brig of the
>> Roanoke. She wondered why she always took the hard assignments.
Mike08: She knew how much of a bitch Ratliff stories could be, but she
kept coming back.
Mike13: [as Jabberjaw] Yeeeah, how come I always get to do the doity
work? Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
>> Taking
>> a Nebula class starship, who ever had put that on the assignment list
>> must have been insane.
Tom08: Yes, even terrorist revolutionary organizations have massive
bureaucracy.
Crow09: [as Ro] "Seize a starship," they said. What the heck was I
thinking?!?
Tom10: And then when she was given Chaz the Spaz as her project partner,
she was just *so* ready to die.
Crow13: Insane ... not unlike a certain unnamed author who wants to make a
teenager the Fleet Admiral.
Tom13: Geez, even Paul Atreides was older when *he* took over the galaxy.
>> Never the less she had signed up for it.
Bots07: And ... they're coming to take her away, ha ha! They're coming to
take her away, ho ho....
Tom13: Never the less we must work to stamp out bad mis spell ings.
Mike13: Great. Crow was installed with a Dirty Old Man chip, and Tom was
installed with an Anal Retentive chip.
Crow13: What's with him?
Tom13: Chip envy.
>> Now
>> she was paying for it.
Tom04: [as Ro] Put it on my tab.
Tom08: $1000 up front and $100 a month for the next 15,000 years.
Mike09: But thanks to Sam's Club, she was getting a substantial discount.
Crow13: ...In three easy installments of only $19.95! Order today!
>> On the eve of Maquis Independence,
Crow07: "MI4."
Tom10: ...By the shining, big sea-water....
>> here she sat
Crow09: Broken-hearted.
Tom09: Paid a dime...
Mike09: Let's not get started!
>> in the brig of a Star Fleet vessel.
Tom09: Again!
Crow08: But at least she didn't have to listen to Marrissa's ranting
anymore.
>> "You don't look like you're having fun," a young voice stated.
Tom08: NOOOOOO!
Crow10: This is one of those existential episodes of "The Twlight Zone,"
isn't it?
Tom13: [as Ro] No, you're wrong, prison is *lots* of fun. Unlock that
door, and I'll show you....
>> Standing outside her cell was a young girl in a red and blue
>> Starfleet-like uniform. Ro wondered who it was.
Mike08: Well, that makes ONE of us.
Tom09: Around here? It's probably one of the elder gods.
Crow10: [as Ro] Are you my conscience?
Tom06: Gee, I wonder which Kid's Crew captain this could possibly be?
Crow06: [as Kerstin] What's wrong, sad clown?
Mike06: Look out, guys. I think this is about to turn into a remake of
"Canned Heat."
>> "No I'm not," Ro commented.
Crow10: [as Ro] The web server in here screens out all the "adult"
sites.
Tom12: [sniffing] They took my Game Boy away from me.
Mike06: [as Morrissey] Is it wrong to not always be glad?
>> "It's a shame really," the girl responded.
Crow12: [as Kerstin] Brigs can be lots of fun if you just have the right
attitude.
>> "You certainly
>> seemed to be having fun yesterday."
Crow06: [as Kerstin] Where's that fun-loving Ro I used to know?
Mike06: [as Ro] Yeah, man! I'm in it for the kicks!
Crow13: [as Ro] Oh, yeah, getting my butt kicked by a 4-year-old,
nothing funner than that!
Tom10: We were younger then, back then we were happy and innocent,
wandering through the joys of life at each other's side. Now,
you say you want "space" but complain of "distance." It's over.
Admit it.
>> "You mean when I tried to take over this ship," Ro replied.
Mike12: No, I mean when you were playing shuffleboard.
>> "That wasn't fun, that was duty."
Tom13: [as Ro, breaking down] OK, I admit it! It was fun!
Mike08: [as Ro] And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for
you meddling kids!
>> "Who said it wasn't possible to do both?" the girl asked.
>> "I've never been able to," Ro answered.
Tom08: [as Ro] I'm repressed.
>> "That's really a shame," the girl commented.
Crow06: [as Kerstin] Here, I'm going to let you out, and this time try
to steal my ship with more enthusiasm!
>> "I've had fun
>> almost every time I've been on duty.
Mike08: [as Kerstin, brightly] Thank you, Prozac!
Tom13: [as Kerstin] Those red pills really work!
Tom06: [as Kerstin] Joyriding around the galaxy with hundreds of crew
members to boss around ... weapons that can annihilate a planet
at your fingertips ... life just doesn't get any more fun than
that!
>> Unless you count that Greiluse
>> treaty. That gave me a headache."
All07: Awww....
Mike12: And it had Excedrin written all over it.
Crow13: [as Kerstin] So I threatened them all with a tire iron, and the
headache went away!
Tom09: [as Kerstin] Total Planetary Destruction is fun but it always
gives me such sinus problems.
Crow04: [as Kerstin] But Marrissa gave me these little pink pills, then
*everything* was all right again.
>> "Who are you anyway?" Ro inquired.
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, acting Captain," the girl informed.
Mike04: [as Kerstin] And you are...?
Tom04: [as Ro] Ro Laren, acting despondent.
Mike10: [singing again] Charlie says, "I love my Szustakowski, more than
any other candy that I love so well."
Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.
>> "I leave and Star Fleet goes to the kids," Ro grumbled.
Crow06: Yeah, lucky for her she got out just before the horror began.
>> "Shouldn't you be on the bridge or something?"
Tom10: [as Ro] Seventh grade, maybe?
Tom13: [as Ro] Shouldn't you be in NAP-NAP??
>> "No, it's Beta shift," Kerstin replied.
Crow09: [as Kerstin] And all I have is VHS.
>> "I'm doing my tour of
>> the ship.
Mike06: [as Kerstin] My next stop is at Engineering, and Weezer is going
to open for me. Tickets are still available through Ticketmaster.
>> It's been nice talking to you, Miss Ro."
Crow06: [as Kerstin] ...But the gas chamber's all warmed up, and I'm
afraid it's time to go. Have you had your last meal?
>> The girl Captain
>> walked off.
Mike12: Yeah, Kerstin's having fun going into restricted areas and seeing
what all the pretty flashing buttons do.
Crow10: So ... Kids' Crew training teaches prospective officers to waste
people's time?
>>
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington and Glinn Gusat sat in the Stargazer's
>> ready room.
Mike06: Ready for ... romance!
Mike12: [falsetto] Are you ready yet?
>> Already, the room was beginning to take on the personality
>> of the half-Vulcan Captain.
Tom10: It was bland and expressionless?
Tom12: It was boring and condescending?
Tom13: It was making illogical decisions, like leaving an inexperienced
officer in charge of the ship?
Mike08: Trust Ratliff to give the furniture at LEAST as much personality
as his characters.
>> A painting of the Vulcan's Forge graced one
>> wall,
Crow08: Get it? Vulcans? Forge? Get it? Huh? HUH?
>> with the Captain's saber hung below it.
Crow12: If you know what I mean.
Crow06: Hey, Captain! How's the old saber hanging?
Mike06 & Tom06: [groans]
>> A copy of Decartes's La
>> Geometrie sat under glass on a table.
Tom04: A copy of Richard Feynman's "What In The Hell Is This Crap?" sat
next to it.
Tom09: Starfleet regulation # 7529-39-2C: All captains must have a huge
500-year-old book under glass in their ready rooms.
>> A stand by the door had the
>> traditional model of Washington's last command, the Miranda.
Mike07: Complete with fruit hat.
Tom07: Would that be Eric the Fruit Hat?
Tom10: So ... her personality is just like Captain Picard's, only
instead of "The Tempest" she refers to analytic geometry?
>> "So Glinn, what do you think of the Stargazer now," Washington
>> asked.
Mike06: [as Gusat] I try not to.
Crow08: [as Gusat] I think it's an unrealistic plot device.
Tom12: [as Gusat] It should be destroyed.
Tom13: [as Gusat] It's severely lacking in question marks.
Don't you agree.
>> "Where can Cardassia purchase one?" Glinn Gusat replied.
Crow12: Price Club.
Tom10: Oh, just contact some massive, bumbling counter-intelligence
operation being run semi-legally from the Federation President's
office.
>> "I've
>> never seen such a versatile vessel.
Crow06: [as Gusat] And I've seen six!
>> Fighters, those warp pair craft,
>> and I've never seen such a large vessel corner so well."
Mike09: Well, that's your rack-and-pinion steering, there.
Mike12: Of course, if the road's wet, it's likely to turn over.
Tom13: [as Gusat] It goes 0 to Warp 9.99 in 4.5 seconds, gets 30,000
light years per dilithium crystal, and even has a roomy interior!
Mike13: [as Gusat] I really like those map pockets on the backs of the
ensigns' chairs.
Mike08: [as Gusat] And you pay such low monthly payments, with nothing
down!
Tom10: All engineering problems are easily overcome when you don't know
anything about engineering.
>> "Well, when the refitter has been around 150 years, he learns
>> some things," Captain Washington remarked.
Mike06: Although he retains very little of it.
Crow13: Like how to perfect a fake Scottish accent.
Tom10: [as T'Gwen] This week he learned that even though it makes you
feel cooler, a light sprinkling of Gold Bond medicated powder on
the engines is not an effective coolant.
>> "Vulcan?"
Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Yes, I know.
Mike07: [as T'Gwen] Yes, I know.
Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Only half, but thanks for asking.
Crow13: [as T'Gwen] No, thanks, I just ate.
>> "No, Admiral Scott's human," Washington replied.
Mike06: [as T'Gwen] It's just that no other human wants to admit to that.
>> "He spent a
>> quarter of a century as Captain Kirk's Chief Engineer."
Crow07: ...And half a century pickled in booze.
Mike08: Fixing the stereotype of a drunken, brawling, bag-pipe-playing
Scotsman in the minds of Trek fans forever.
Mike10: [as T'Gwen] And he only got killed three times doing it.
>> "James T. Kirk?"
All04: [gasp]
Mike12: Ah, no. It was Ted R. Kirk. Sorry to confuse you.
>> "The same. Scott is a certified
Tom08: Attempt to keep readers interested.
>> genius.
Mike08: He keeps his certificate with him at all times and shows it to
everyone.
Crow04: [as T'Gwen] And he speaks an incomprehensible Celtic dialect
known as "SheCannaTeekMuchMooreA'Thees!"
Tom13: Oh, yeah, he doubles his estimated repair times to appear
efficient. Some genius.
>> He's spent the last
>> couple years figuring out how to upgrade our older starships.
Crow10: [as T'Gwen] His most recent idea is to fill all the corridors
below "C" deck with cottage cheese. Poor man, there ought to be
some kind of medication he can take.
>> "He did
>> such a good job converting the Constellation class into the Stargazer
>> class that they're thinking of giving him the Nova Class project."
Tom06: [as T'Gwen] ...Which will count for 25% of his final grade.
Tom10: Like that project won't blow up in his face?
Tom08: Project so named because of what we expect them to resemble when
they start their engines.
Crow09: Bearing in mind, of course, that "Nova" is Spanish for "doesn't
go".
>> "Shouldn't he be retiring soon?"
Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, it's almost his bedtime....
>> "He did once. Reportably he couldn't stand it."
Tom04: Ratliff's Adverb-O-Matic strikes again!
Tom13: My thoughts exactly about this story.
Tom12: Thank you, Ratliff, for making us laugh about *you* again.
Crow10: It turned out the line, "Hey, I'm a retired Admiral of
Engineering who's spent forty years getting irradiated by warp
engines and transporter coils" wasn't as effective a babe magnet
as he'd hoped....
Mike09: [as T'Gwen] He wound up hawking Frosted Cheerios --- very sad.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
Mike12: That's about how I feel right now.
Crow08: Stephen, you've already had just about enough.
Tom09: Half man, half dog --- it's BENJI-MAN!
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