Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [7/8]
Matthew Blackwell
console.]
Mike: Well, that was one of the longest chapters of anything
that we've ever read.
Tom: I personally liked the taut political drama.
Mike: Tom, David won. I don't think anyone reading the story
expected otherwise.
Tom: Hey, after the debate, I expected a running gun battle
to erupt in Lawndale's halls.
Mike: Hrmph. I guess that might have been more likely than
the sex scene.
[Crow begins to violently shake.]
Crow: Stop bringing that up, Mike.
Mike: Come on, Crow. Don't be such a prude.
Tom: Wuss.
Crow: It was icky! I doubt if I'll ever experience love
again after reading that!
Mike: You said the same thing after watching "A Knight's Tale."
Crow: They were playing disco! Disco, Mike! In medieval times!
Tom: Oh, c'mon! Just think of it as a re-
Crow: [strained] Tom, I swear, if you use that lame "Boogie Knights"
joke *one more time*...
[The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.]
Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Let's see what Pearl wants.
[Mike taps the light and we shift to ...]
[Castle Forrester]
[A party seems to be in progress in Castle Forrester. Extras mill
around while the song "Fly" can be heard in the background. Pearl,
seeming quite annoyed, glares at the camera.]
Pearl: Mike, I'm a patient woman, but even I have my limits. And
you, my friends, are in a world of hurt. For the past
two hours, there's been a party going on down here!
Apparently, someone on a satellite told these people
that we had booze down here, and ever since then, I've
had these scummy rock stars and their entourages down
here!
[SoL]
Crow: Hey, don't blame us for that!
Tom: Yeah, there are dozens of satellites up here that might
have told them that!
Mike: Besides, you deserve it! You sent us this story with
this icky sex scene!
Crow: Hey! You just said...
Mike: Quiet, Crow.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [angrily] Mike, regardless of what I've sent you, I did
not deserve *this*. Sugar Ray has been raiding my fridge!
McGrath just ate six sticks of butter! And they brought
Super Cat with them!! Super Cat! You're going to pay
for this, Nelson!
[SoL]
Tom: Oh, we're scared.
Crow: Do your worst, Pearl.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Fine, Mike. Your funeral. Brain Guy. Bring in the
singers.
[Observer enters and concentrates. The Brain Guy SFX play, and
a stereotypical lounge act appears.]
Pearl: Mike, meet Lounge Against the Machine. Hit it boys.
Cheese: Thank you, gorgeous. I'd like to start off with a
favorite of mine, and I'm sure it's one of yours.
o/~ In the not too distant future,
Next Sunday AD - that's Anno Domini, folks.
Mike Nelson and his robot pals,
are caught in a nasty place! They really don't
wanna be there.
They try to survive, the wrath of Pearl,
a really coo-koo gal who wants to rule the world,
everybody wants to rule the world!
From her castle below, she sets her sights above,
because she loves to torture all the captives
on the Satellite of Love! o/~
[SoL]
Mike: Weak, Pearl, weak. We made it through that crossover
between "Ed, Edd and Eddie" and "Swingers", and you expect
a bad lounge act to stop us? Guys? Show Pearl what we can
do.
[Cambot pans back to reveal Tom and Crow watching a TV.]
Mike: Look! They're watching "Suddenly Susan" reruns! Willingly!
Crow: [overly cheerful] Wow! I never realized what a fabulous
comedian Brooke Shields is!
Tom: [forced] This is even better than that three and a half
hours of "Jesse" reruns was!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [snorts] Mike? What exactly have my son and I been
doing to you for these many, many years?
[SoL]
Mike: Oh. Yeah.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: My turn. Brain Guy? Do your stuff.
Observer: Of course. Mike? I'd like for you to meet...
[A young, vaguely familiar man enters.]
Observer: This is Jaleel White. He played Urkel. But now
he's here to perform his new one man play, "Mr. T.:
His Life and Times - The One Man Play."
Jaleel: Thank you, Observer. [He reaches down and places
a Mohawk wig atop his head.] Ahem. I was born a...
[SoL]
Mike: Pearl? We saw this when it was on Bravo last week.
Crow? Tom?
Crow: Thank you, Mike.
[Tom enters, carrying a banjo. He stops next to Crow,
and music begins to play.]
Bots: o/~ Oooohh, the Lord said to Noah, there's gonna be a
floody, floody! Lord said to Noah, there's gonna be a
floody, floody! Get those children (clap, clap) out
of the muddy, muddy! o/~
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [interrupting] Hold it! I'm sorry. Is this supposed
to send me screaming out of the room?
[SoL]
Crow: Nope. It's supposed to plant itself in your brain and
spew itself into your consciousness at odd times over the
next few weeks.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is silent.]
Pearl: Damn you. I'm sorry, Mike, but you really have to be
punished for that one. Bobo? Hit it.
[The camera pans left to reveal Professor Bobo, attired in rather
skimpy lingerie. Behind him stand several other gorillas dressed
similarly. Bobo begins to sing into a microphone. The back-up
gorillas begin to dance seductively. Well, as seductively as
lingerie-clad humanoid gorillas can dance.]
Bobo: o/~ He met Marmalade down IN old Moulin Rouge
Struttin' her stuff on the street
She said, "Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?"
Oh! uh huh o/~
[SoL]
[Crow's jaw is agape. Mike has covered his eyes with his hands.
Tom nods along with the music.]
Mike: Dear lord, Pearl! Have you not an ounce of mercy in your soul?
Tom: I kinda like it.
[Mike turns to Tom in horror. Crow still stares at the screen in
shock.]
Mike: Tom? Are you...
Tom: What? It's got a good beat! And that monkey can sing, Mike!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Ready to give in, Mike?
[SoL]
Mike: [coldly] All right, Pearl. You've forced me to bring out the
big guns. Just remember, you brought this on yourself.
[Mike reaches down beneath the console and produces a roll of
aluminum foil. He tears off a piece from the roll and
crumples it into a small ball. He holds the ball up, and
tosses it into his mouth and begins chewing.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is aghast.]
Pearl: What are you... oh!... Stop that! Mike! Ugh!
[SoL]
[Mike is still chewing vigorously.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Mike! Please! Oh, all right! You win! Just head back to
the theater and for Pete's sake, stop chewing that
foil!
[Pearl cringes and shuts off the camera.]
[SoL]
[The lights flash as Mike grins and removes the foil from his
mouth.]
Mike: Ha. Nice try, Pearl.
[Mike high fives the bots and then hits the lights, and the
door sequence begins...]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters and takes their places.]
Mike: Pearl thought that she could mess with us.
Crow: Yeah, we showed her.
Tom: You be... hey! Wait a minute! If we won, how
come we're back in the theater?!?
[Pause]
All: Hey!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 7: Sirhan Awaits in the Kitchen!
Crow: o/~ Sirhan awaits in the kitchen I know, I know,
Sirhan awaits in the kitchen with Di-i-inah,
Strummin' on his four-point-oh! o/~
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The next scheduled meeting for both the House of Homeroom
>Representatives and the Student Senate was going to be the following
>Monday.
Mike: At which point they'd immediately vote themselves a pay
raise and then adjourn until the last day of school.
> David was going to devote the interim to whipping up support
>for the proposed amendments to the constitution.
Tom: And if that failed, he'd just whip up a hearty breakfast!
> It frankly wasn't
>going to be easy.
Crow: And, unfortunately for us, it definitely was not going
to be fast.
> The battle in the Student Senate was going to be the
>easier of the two; Jodie, as Vice-President, served as President of
>the Student Senate and could drum up some support. The House of
>Homeroom Representatives, however, was going to be more difficult.
Tom: He'd have to deal with Dick Armey Junior.
>David had found out that in during the elections held for that body,
>Sandi had been elected and was engineering to have herself be chosen
>Speaker.
Mike: Which is surprising, since she usually considers engineering
majors to be kinda geeky.
> The Speaker had broad powers to block resolutions in that
>body.
Crow: Uh, wouldn't the Speaker be a little bit, oh, I dunno,
impartial?
Tom: Apparently, this legal loophole escaped Sandi's "plans".
> Getting the two-thirds vote there was going to be extremely
>difficult if not impossible.
>
Mike: This is what you'd get if you crossed "Advise and Consent"
with "Dawson's Creek".
>David, Daria and Jane were all over at David's house, calling all the
>members of both houses.
Crow: All they kept asking was if they had Olive Oil in a can.
> There were fifteen members of the Student
>Senate and sixty-three members of the House of Homeroom
>Representatives.
Tom: In other words, the entire student body.
Mike: Don't ask, it's just Guerin playing with numbers here.
> Thus they needed ten Student Senators and forty-two
>Homeroom Representatives to back their cause.
[Mike sniffs.]
Crow: You okay?
Mike: Yeah. I just miss him.
Tom: Do you think just before he croaked, he thought "So this is it.
I'm all going to die?"
Mike: Not funny, Tom.
> If the amendments passed
>both houses, two weeks later, the referendum would be held, and a
>simple majority was all that was needed to ratify.
Mike: Sigh. We now return to C-SPAN 3.
Tom: Guerin, you wrote this already! True, it wasn't big and
detailed, but don't you know short and sweet is sometimes
a GOOD thing?
> By custom, the
>amendments would be first presented to the entire memberships of both
>houses, then referred to the Rules Committee of both houses, since
>they dealt with the rules of how Student Government operated.
Mike: Meanwhile, these kids are so caught up in this legislative
minutiae that they're missing classes left and right.
> David,
>Daria and Jane had started by contacting the members of both
>committees: the Student Senate's committee had five members, while the
>House of Homeroom Representatives' committee had eleven.
Crow: Any second now, he's gonna give us names, heights, and
favorite Life Saver flavors.
> They just
>needed three of the former and six of the latter
Tom: Intense percentages action!
> so that the
>amendments would clear the committees and go to the entire membership
>of both houses for consideration.
>
Mike: Now I know why our governments usually don't go anywhere.
Crow: If Sandi can't stop them, the process will.
>Daria had contacted the chairman of the House of Homeroom
>Representatives' Rules Committee, a guy named Brian Gorestein.
>
Tom: [snickering] Brother of Al Gorestein, right?
Crow: Guerin's gone Gore crazy!
>"Brian," Daria began, "this is Daria Morgendorffer. We're calling you
>in regard to the proposed amendments to the Student Government
>Constitution which will allow for representation for Special Education
>students.
Mike: WE'RE? Does Daria think she's royalty already?
Tom: [Daria] Accept it or kiss our royal misery butt!
> Can we have your backing on it when it comes to your
>committee for a vote?"
>
Mike: [Brian] Huh? What committee, dude?
Crow: [Daria] The Rules committee! Pay attention, this is vitally...
Mike: [Brian] Whatever, man. Look, I gotta go - Matt and Topher are
comin' by and we're goin' to the mall to cruise for chick
action!
>"Gee, Daria," Brian said, "Sandi had promised me that she'd appoint me
>to the more powerful Ways and Means Committee if I towed the line for
>her."
>
Tom: Feel the powerful political intrigue of tenth graders!
Mike: [sputtering] Dear lord! It's just a frigging Student Council!
It's less prestigious than the AV Club!
Crow: I wonder why these student council guys aren't beaten up every
day by the other students.
>"Come on, Brian," Daria said, "if the Student Government doesn't do
>this on its own, the Federal Government will force it down their
>throats anyway."
>
Tom: [Daria] I'm sure they'll take a break from that silly little
"dead rising from their graves" issue to deal with this.
>"I'd have to think about it. . ." Brian said, then hung up.
>
Mike: [Daria] Well, I'm sure that was an encouraging sign!
>"And good-bye to you, too!," Daria sneered as she hung up. Then she
>turned to Jane and said, "I'm getting nowhere at this."
>
>"Ditto," mumbled Jane.
>
Tom: Megadittos!
Crow: Have you ever tried personal meetings? They're more
effective than an artificial phone conversation.
Mike: Next, Daria will surf the Internet and chat with
Committee members!
>"We must not give up hope yet," David said. "You heard what Pastor
>Armistead said.
Mike: [Nathan] You're in office now, so get off your butts and
do some work!
> The protesters at Selma didn't give up after they were
>beaten back in their first attempt.
Crow: Of course, they were only dealing with a squadron or two of
highly armed State Troopers and a hostile governor, not a
bunch of whiny, snot-nosed high-schoolers.
> We must continue, or the struggle
>will be lost."
>
Tom: [David] The Intellectual Struggle between the worker Special
Ed students and the capitalist Normals! ... Hmmm, doesn't
seem right.
>Warren stepped in and said, "Hey, everyone, did you want dinner? We
>brought in Kentucky Fried Chicken."
>
Mike: [Warren] I repossessed it and dragged it all the way here!
>"You got Extra Tasty Crispy?," Daria said.
>
Crow: [Warren] No, they were out. I had to settle for Extra
Supremely Fantabulously Tasty Crispy.
>"Sure do," Warren replied.
>
>"Count me in, then," Daria said. She, Jane and David headed into the
>dining room. Lobbying for votes was going to have to wait.
Crow: Yeah, screw justice and civil rights, who wants a drumstick?!?
Mike: Chicken first, politics later.
Tom: I wonder if Martin Sheen adopted that in "The West Wing" yet.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Zed was in his room, doing his usual surfing of the Net.
Mike: [Zed] Blast! Abrams is doing Stick-Figure Week again!
> He had
>stumbled onto the "Man of War Magazine Chat Room" when he came across
>a rather frightening conversation:
>
Mike: Zed's scared of race horses. Sad, really.
>ToddMeister:
Mike: Way to hide your name, Todd.
> So, you want me to bump off this David twerp, do you?
>
Tom: [Todd] I could've done it earlier, you know.
Crow: [Sandi] Shut up and listen to me babble for a while!
>SandiNo1: Yes, I do.
>
>ToddMeister: Well, young lady, it will cost you some money, you know.
>
Crow: Ward Cleaver, top mob hitman.
>SandiNo1: Don't worry; my parents are loaded.
>
Mike: Yeah, but do they have money?
>ToddMeister: I don't expect them to just give you the money for this
>so easily.
>
Tom: [Sandi] They'll never notice. They're, like, off at a party
at Jack Taylor's.
>SandiNo1: Don't worry, I usually use their charge card.
Mike: Honey? What's this charge on the AmEx for a "Soprano's
Special"?
Tom: Visa, Mike. 'Cause thugs don't take American Express.
> Do you have
>any blank slips?
>
Crow: [Sandi] Or checks? Don't ask me, but somehow I know all
this crooked stuff!
>ToddMeister: In fact, I do have a supply of them I heisted from a
>department store. I use them when I rip off other people's credit card
>numbers and send them along with a rather convincing bill. They
>usually pay up. It's better the mugging.
>
Mike: [Todd] But the bill thingy makes me sound so brilliant!
>SandiNo1: Good. At least my mother won't be that suspicious then.
>
Crow: Unless he itemizes the bill for each body part shot.
>ToddMeister: I'm setting a rate of $100 for this hit.
Crow: Fairly reasonable for a touch.
Mike: Todd belongs to that discount murderer's club, Whacks'R'Us.
> Just tell me
>where and when.
>
>SandiNo1: Next Monday at 2:00 PM, Lawndale High School Auditorium.
Crow: [Sandi] Look for a man with an umbrella and a stylish pink
carnation.
> Go
>to the projection room and stake out there.
Mike: Emilio Estevez and Richard Dreyfus will be waiting for you.
> I'm expecting David to
>deliver a speech for his amendments then.
Tom: [Sandi] He told me so.
> Wait until I give you the
>high sign.
Crow: [Todd] Oh, that's when you roll your eyes upward and start
laughing horribly, right?
> I will pay you after the job is done, and not before. I
>want to make sure you get it right.
>
Tom: [Sandi] And, like, wear something that matches. If you're
going to kill for us, you need to look more fashionable.
>ToddMeister: Take it from me, you'll get your money's worth.
>
Crow: In these hectic times, with so many hitmen competing
for your hard-earned dollars, be sure to give Todd a
try. He'll go that extra mile!
>Zed knew he had no time to waste.
Mike: That "Slave 4 U" video would be coming on any minute,
and he had to find a blank tape!
> He got a hard copy of the
>conversation and raced to Brittany's room.
>
Crow: The littlest hacker of them all, on the next Hard Copy!
Tom: Brittany? How about the police? Ever thought of them?
Mike: I guess he doesn't want all those FBI agents and the
National Guard hangin' at the school.
>"Open up, Sis!," Zed said.
>
Tom: [Zed] I have you surrounded! Come out with your ponytails
up!
>Brittany opened the door. She was wearing a gray sweatsuit since she
>had just finished her exercises.
>
Crow: And this changes the plot in what way?
Tom: Oh, must everything be about the plot?
>"Zed, what is it?," Brittany said.
>
>"Take a look at this printout I just got from the 'Man of War Magazine
>Chat Room,'" Zed replied.
>
Mike: [Zed] It's MatrixGames! They're making another version of
Steel Panthers: World at War!
>Brittany took a close look at it and her jaw dropped.
>
Mike: She should sue her plastic surgeon for that.
Crow: [Brittany] Just $100? Oh wait, the David thing...
>"I know that Quinn won for the race for representative in her
>homeroom," Brittany said.
Tom: Yeah, there's a lot of that going on.
Crow: When Brittany's the one who springs a plot development,
you get sort of thoughtful.
Mike: With all the fun she had during the campaign, it's no
wonder Quinn decided to run for office!
> "We've got to tell her about this!"
>
Tom: Police? FBI? Media? Hello?
>"And I've got to tell Daria, Jane and David also," Zed said.
>
Mike: And Judy, and Steve, and Uncle Bob...
Crow: [Brittany] Can't you tell them "also" over the phone?
It'd be quicker!
>The two of them raced down the stairs. Their stepmother saw them.
>
>"WHOA!," Stella Taylor said;
All: STELLAAAAAAA!!!!
> "What's your hurry?"
>
Tom: [Stella] Is there another sale at Mervyn's again?
>"We've got to go to the Morgendorffer house right away!," Zed said.
>
Tom: [Zed] MTV's setting up its "Real World - Lawndale" series
there!
>"OK, but I expect you two to be back by 9 o'clock," Stella said.
>
Crow: Sure thing! The hit should be over by then!
>Brittany and Zed got out of the house faster than greased lightning.
Mike: John Travolta and Jeff Conaway are left angry and bitter.
Crow: I never got that phrase. I mean, wouldn't you get electrocuted
if you tried to grease lightning?
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The doorbell rang at the Morgendorffer house.
Tom: And Lurch instantly appeared to answer.
> Jake was watching "The
>NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw";
Mike: But Brokaw's on assignment, so here's Stone Philips.
> Brokaw was talking about the
>momentous changes that had been going on at Lawndale High.
Crow: [Brokaw] Middle East peace talks crumble, Japan has started
World War III, Canada has taken control of the United
States... but first, our top story - Kid gets elected to
Student Government!
> Jake got up
>and answered the door.
>
Tom: [Jake] The neighbors better not be complaining about the
gophers in my lawn again.
>"Why, it's you, Brittany and Zed!," Jake greeted them.
Mike: [Jake] I know you from some Daria episode in which you
did something and stuff!
Tom: [Brittany] Wow, I remember that too! I did something and
stuff!
Crow: [Zed] Oh yes, I remember that vaguely. It's about me and
Brittany doing something and stuff!
> "What brings
>you here?"
>
Mike: [Brittany] A car. See?
>"MMMMM,
Crow: Bop?
Mike: [chuckling] No, I doubt it.
> well," Brittany began to say,
Crow: But then stuttered, and asked Zed to fill in.
> "Mr. Morgendorffer, we need to
>speak to both of your sisters."
Mike: Huh? When did Daria's aunts arrive?
Crow: Could just be a typo.
Tom: Or it could be Brittany being a stereotypical dumb cheerleader
again.
> Since Zed told her that Quinn and
>Daria were both sisters, Brittany was at least sure of that.
>
Mike: Or he could be lying. But hey, she's trusted her
'obnoxious' brother so far.
>"Gee, this is a surprise!," Jake said. "Well, you're in luck!
Tom: [Jake] We have them, and other fabulous prizes behind these
three doors! Pick one and get the prize!
> Daria
>just got back from David's house and Quinn's free tonight!
Tom: Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie finally realized *they* were each
other's true loves.
> I'll get
>them!" Jake went to the foot of the stairs and shouted, "Daria! Quinn!
>Brittany and Zed want to see you!"
>
Crow: Is that how we draw them out of hiding out of the wild? Just
call their names? Shoot, I should do that with ducks.
Mike: You don't hunt ducks.
Crow: Oh. Well, maybe I should start.
>The two of them raced down the stairs. Daria and Quinn were surprised
>to see them.
>
Tom: Then they made some obscure joke about a previous Daria episode.
Crow: I'll add that to the book of Guerin-isms.
Mike: [Daria] Look, Zed, I don't have any more small animals!
>"Brittany, Zed," Daria began, "what brings you here?"
>
Mike: [Brittany] A car. See? Your brother-dad already asked.
>"It's a matter of life and death!," Zed began.
>
Crow: [Daria] Oh, is it about your Internet access again? Get
over it!
>"Could we go up to your room and talk about this in private, Daria?,"
>Brittany said.
>
Mike: After all, adults should not find out anything about this. I
mean, it's a murder attempt, but...
>"OK, but you enter at your own risk," Daria warned.
Crow: Brittany and Zed's lifeless bodies were later found at the
bottom of Daria's punji pit.
Mike: A tad dark, don't you think?
Crow: This story has darkened my soul, Nelson.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>When they got up into Daria's room, Zed showed Daria and Quinn the
>printout of Sandi and Todd's conversation.
>
Mike: [Daria] Whoa, that's randy! And your parents let you read
this stuff?
Crow: [Zed] The other page!
Mike: [Daria] Only $100? Oh, the David thing...
>"I never thought Sandi would stoop this low," Daria said.
Tom: I never wanted to know that Sandi could stoop, eww...
> "Now you
>know what type of people the Fashion Club really attracts, Quinn."
>
Mike: Yeah, who knew the world of fashion was so cut-throat?
Tom: I hear Donna Karan is an instructor for the CIA.
>"Oh, Daria," Quinn said, "what a fool I've been! Can you ever forgive
>me?"
>
Tom: [Quinn] Oh, and apologize for beating me up?
Crow: [Daria] Hmmm, let me think. No.
>"I will if you start identifying me as your sister instead of your
>cousin," Daria said.
>
Crow: It's kinda HARD now to do otherwise...
>"I'll think about it," Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Daria] This is not a negotiation. You will submit!
>"I've got to call Jane and David about this," Daria said. "I've also
>got to call Trent, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers as
>well."
>
Tom: And the police?
Crow: Hah! What can they do that a bunch of disaffected rock stars
can't?
>"I just hope we can prevent this tragedy, Daria!,"
Mike: By making another tragedy?
> Brittany whined as
>she twirled her hair around her finger and stared into space.
>
Crow: [Brittany] Say, that star looks like a big bone for some reason.
>"I just hope so, too," Daria said, grimly.
Tom: [Daria] Oh, who am I kidding? Die, Todd, die!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The day of the meeting of the House of Homeroom Representatives had
>arrived.
Mike: Translation - Today is Monday.
> The first meeting of the school year was always an
>organizational one.
Crow: Which means MORE boring political stuff!
> A new Speaker had to be chosen, and committees
>chosen as well.
Mike: Soon thereafter, student lobbyists arrived.
Crow: I hear that former members who've graduated can come back
and freely wander the floor as lobbyists.
Tom: Where's McCain/Feingold when you *really* need it?
> Those who were re-elected usually were renamed,
Tom: Yeah, Jodie was originally named Cleopatra Jones.
> while
>those who lost or graduated of course had to have their vacancies
>filled. By tradition, the Student Government President called the
>meeting to order and presided until the Speaker was chosen.
>
Crow: But this was a Guerin fanfic! So they did something
completely different and time-consuming!
>The time was approaching 2:00 PM.
Mike: School work? What's that?
> Most of the representatives were
>already gathered. There would be an opening ceremony where Ms. Li
>would give David the President's gavel.
Crow: And a big bag of yummy walnuts!
> After presiding the election
>of the Speaker, David would preside with that gavel over the Student
>Government Cabinet's first meeting the next day.
Tom: Basically, he'd whack, they listen.
> The Student Senate
>was meeting at the cafeteria.
Tom: They voted unanimously to impeach the lunchlady for obstruction
of appetite and conspiracy to commit creamed chipped beef.
> David, Daria and Jane had spent all of
>the past week trying to whip up support for their amendments.
Mike: Well, whipping them anyway.
> Although
>he did manage to get some support, getting the two-thirds majorities
>he sought was still in grave doubt.
Crow: Hey, time for the death threats then!
> Daria and Jane said they would
>meet with him later.
>
Tom: After they consult with their local bar.
>Unnoticed, Todd's car had pulled up to the parking lot.
Mike: [onlooker] Hmph, van with a White Power mural. That's
nothing unusual.
> Todd disguised
>himself rather well so that he could elude detection.
Tom: He's the man of a thousand faces. All of them the same,
of course.
> He had put on a
>custodian's suit and slipped into the back way undetected.
Crow: o/~ Just another face in a blue jumpsuit... o/~
> He had a
>Remimngton rifle in a long black case.
Crow: Now he blended right in with all the other rifle-toting
custodial workers.
Tom: Todd is Jean Reno in "The Professional 2: To Kill A Dweeb"
> He made his way unnoticed to
>the projection room overlooking the auditorium.
>
Mike: So, to sum it up, he snuck in.
Tom: Pretty much.
>What he didn't know was that Daria, Jane, Trent, Rage Against the
>Machine and the Straight-Edgers were about a block or two away.
>
Mike: So were other people - people like Justice Sandra Day O'Connor!
Crow: Caroline Rhea!
Tom: L. Neil Smith!
Mike: Mary Lou Retton!
Crow: Boutros Boutros-Ghali!
Tom: The Statler Brothers!
>"We'll have to act fast," Daria said.
Mike: [Daria] We had a long time to prepare, but I was too hungry...
> "I told Mom about this, and she
>was going to call the police.
Tom: [Daria] What an idiot. You NEVER call the police on anything!
Mike: I'm sure many policemen out there are pretty mad right now.
> I only hope they'll take this seriously
>and stop this. But for now, we're on our own."
>
Crow: Expect them to come in the nick of too late, folks. Wait
for it.
>"You and Janey go to the auditorium and hang out near the projection
>room entrance," Trent said.
Tom: Well, what about looking *in* the projection room?
Crow: Come on, Tom. If you start accusing everyone who hangs out
in a projection room with a rifle, you'll make a mockery
of justice!
> "Rage Against the Machine and the
>Straight-Edgers will be close by."
>
Crow: [Trent] They'll be ready to Rage Against the Overhead
Projector at a moment's notice.
Mike: All right, the grunge vigilantes might be useful. But
what good will the band do?
Tom: It's a package deal. Get the vigilantes, get the band.
>"Good," Jane said, "if we notice something funny, we'll shoot up there
>and confront him."
>
Crow: Or just shoot him, either way...
>Daria got a bit nervous over that statement.
>
Mike: [Daria] I don't have a gun!
Crow: [Jane] That's okay, just use your mouth.
>"Do we have to?," Daria said.
>
Tom: Hey, don't wet your skirt... uh, she is wearing her
'usual' clothing, is she?
Crow: Don't ask! We might get an explanation!
>"If Todd tries to harm you," Jane said, "he won't live long to regret
>it." She then gave Daria a reassuring wink.
>
Mike: [Daria] Let's see; I'm being guarded by you, your narcoleptic
brother, a bunch of pinko musical hacks, and a gaggle of
non-canon characters. Gee, I feel much safer already.
>Daria and Jane made their way to the school.
>
>Back at the auditorium, the clock was now reading 2:00 PM.
Mike: And so the unarmed teens confront the trained and armed Todd.
Crow: What I wouldn't give for a nice comforting death plane right
about now.
> Ms. Li
>banged the gavel to call the meeting to order.
>
Tom: Hey, waitasec - if this is the *student* government, why
is the school principal there?
Mike: She's protecting her investment - she's laid 30 large on
Sandi to award her brother the school sanitation contract.
>"It is now 2 o'clock," Ms. Li said.
Tom: [British] And now, BBC news.
> "Since there is a quorum present,
>I call this meeting to order. The first order of business is to
>present President-Elect David MacAllister with the gavel of office so
>he can preside over this meeting until a Speaker is chosen.
Crow: Guerin-ism #984: Explain in both narrative AND quote format.
> David,
>will you come here, please?"
>
Tom: [Ms. Li] That's the closet, David!
>David went up and received the gavel. The room was stone cold silent.
>
Crow: [Gruff] So let's give 'em a "Hell Yeah!"
All: Hell Yeah!
Mike: Daria 4:24 just said something or other.
>"I guess they're giving him the silent treatment," Daria told Jane.
>
Mike: I tried doing that to my brother, but he just beat me up
until I talked.
>"What Neanderthals they are!," replied Jane.
>
Crow: Actually, that's quite civilized. Neanderthals would
rush up on stage and club David to death.
>David now got to the podium and banged the gavel.
>
Tom: And the stock market closed for the day.
>"I just want to thank Ms. Li for this opportunity to serve,"
Crow: [David] Tonight's special is chicken covered in a
light orange sauce, with a side of scalloped potatoes
and lightly basted asparagus...
> David
>began. "The next order of business is to elect a Speaker. Nominations
>from the floor are now in order."
>
Mike: I nominate my Bose system.
>Quinn sat there in silence. She knew what was going to happen, but was
>afraid that if she intervened, Sandi would not rest until she got her
>revenge against her.
>
[All snicker.]
Tom: I will not rest until...!
Crow: Okay, okay, Servo. Please, stop it.
>Then, one of the representatives stood up and said, "I nominate Sandi
>Del Monaco."
>
>Another student said, "I second that nomination."
>
Crow: For someone who was running for President, she sure seems bent
on being in the stupid bureaucracy.
>"Sandi Del Monaco has been nominated," David said.
Tom: [David] That ungrateful bi... never mind.
> "Are there any
>other nominations?"
>
>Suddenly, Andrea, who represented her homeroom,
Crow: Is there any point on remarking how out of character that is?
Tom: Nope. It's like pointing out a single drop in the ocean.
> stood up and said, "I
>nominate Quinn Morgendorffer."
>
>There was a loud gasp in the room.
>
Crow: That's when Daria realized she'd accidentally leaned against
the oxygen cut-off valve.
>Another student seconded that nomination.
>
Tom: This time, no one was surprised enough to gasp.
>"Quinn Morgendorffer has been nominated," David said. "Are there any
>other nominations?"
>
Mike: [random student] I nominate that nameless person who seconded
that Quinn nomination!
>Tense seconds passed.
>
Tom: And already people were being impatient. End the fanfic already!
Mike: Is Michael Bey directing this?
>"If there are no further nominations," David said, "then I hereby
>declare the nominations closed. The next order of business will be to
>elect the Speaker."
>
Crow: Makes sense. First thing all fanfic.
>Brian, the chairman of the Rules Committee, stood up and said, "Mr.
>President,
Tom: [Brian] There is an urgent situation involving a terrorist
organization from Micronesia.
Crow: [David] Get me Colin Powell!
> I would like to remind you that custom dictates that if
>there are two or more candidates for Speaker, the vote shall be by
>roll call."
>
Tom: [David] Who's Custom? I don't see him on the sheet...
>"So noted," David said. "Voting shall be by roll call." David got the
>list of homeroom representatives handy. He continued, "When I call
>each members name,
Crow: [David] You will either say 'Here' or 'Absent'. Although the
latter will probably not be used.
> you will either indicate 'Ms. Del Monaco' or 'Ms.
>Morgendorffer.'"
>
Mike: What? No "Honorable Member from Homeroom A" crap?
Crow: What's amazing is these kids go to high school, yet seem
not to have time to actually attend classes.
>David began to read the roll.
>
Mike: Ingredients: Enriched flour, water, soda, salt...
Tom: Then he rolled up the rim to win.
>"Such drama!,"
Crow: [Daria] Oh, sorry. I was watching "Crossing Jordan". How's
the snore fest on stage going?
> Daria said; "I didn't expect my sister to get into this
>and make it a horse race."
Crow: And in Roanoke, someone is smiling.
>
>"But I think the results will still be the same," Jane said.
>
Tom: [Jane] We ultimately win, right?
>David called out each name, with the response of either "Ms. Del
>Monaco" or "Ms. Morgendorffer" following. After the roll was called,
>David tallied up the votes.
>
Crow: [David] Let's see... one, ONE vote for Quinn Morgendorffer!
Two, TWO votes for Quinn Morgendorffer! Ah ah ah!
>Todd was seeing all this as he was setting himself up.
>
>"Dammit!," Todd said to himself, "If Quinn wins, how will Sandi give
>me the high sign?"
>
Mike: Er, by raising her hand?
Crow: Ah, c'mon, Todd, show some initiative!
Tom: Yeah! She's not the boss of you.
>David now cleared his throat and read the results. "I have the
>results.
All: [dully] As previously indicated.
> Ms. Del Monaco has received 30 votes. Ms. Morgendorffer has
>received 33.
Tom: Wait a minute! They've got 63 people in their student council?
How the heck does anything ever get done?
Mike: Since when does anything ever get done in a student council?
Tom: Point taken.
> Quinn Morgendorffer is therefore elected Speaker."
>
Tom: Oh, great. Now she'll *never* shut up!
Crow: Lemfeck! Do the dance of joy!
>There was silence in the auditorium.
Tom: [random student] Hey! We all voted for Sandi! Quit counting
fake votes!
> Daria, Jane and Sandi dropped
>their jaws in shock.
>
Mike: Lot of that going around.
Tom: Yeah, there'll probably be a manufacturer's recall.
Crow: Guerin-ism #643: Drop your jaw! It's good exercise, and it
keeps your yap going!
>Quinn was equally stunned, but found herself going to the podium and
>accepting the gavel from David. "Congratulations, Quinn!," he said to
>her.
>
Mike: [David] I hereby invoke the "getting some" clause. Meet me
in the closet after class.
>Quinn was dumbstruck, but then found the nerve to speak:
>
Tom: Unfortunately, she couldn't think of what to say, so
she just spoke random words.
>"Well, I'd like to thank everyone for electing me," she began. She
>then began to ramble on about how she was totally unprepared for this
>and so forth.
>
Crow: [Guerin] Since this was Quinn talking, it was really
uninteresting. And everyone hated her and wanted her dead,
and Daria's a goddess, and...
>"I've got to have the prescription checked on these glasses," Daria
>said.
>
>"I should have mine examined as well," Jane added.
>
Mike: This message brought to you by Eyewatchers.
>"Well, we'd better go inside the projection room and take care of
>business," Daria said.
>
Crow: [Jane] Oh, yeah. The hitman. Yeah, I guess we better take
care of that.
Tom: Wait! They knew a potential killer was lurking up there and
they stood around watching a lousy stupid VOTE?!?!?
Mike: Nothing like using your own kin as bait.
>Todd lost it. "SHIT!," he said,
Tom: [Todd] I hate politics! When will I shoot already?
> "Now I'm just going to have to shoot
>when I can!"
>
Mike: Which should be now. How long DOES it take to snipe someone
anyway?
Tom: Barry Pepper would have popped her by now...
>Quinn then looked at the agenda and said,
Crow: [Quinn] I hate the cover. Someone change it.
> "The next order of business
>is the introduction of amendments to the Student Government
>Constitution so as to give Special Education students a voice in this
>government. Here to make a speech in favor of it is the Student
>Government President, David MacAllister."
>
Tom: And the rebuttal from Todd's bullet! Where is it anyway?
>Quinn stepped aside from the podium as David returned. Todd knew that
>it was now or later.
Mike: And later would mean more politics, so he chose now.
> He focused the gun on David in the crosshairs as
>he stepped up to the podium.
>
Crow: o/~ Peter Pumpkinhead, broke the rules, told the faculty, what
teaching's for! o/~
>"Die, fukcer!,"
Tom: I have nipples too, Greg. Can you milk me?
> he growled to himself as he wrapped his finger around
>the trigger.
>
Crow: It's... like... this... fanfic... is... going... slow...
>Suddenly, the door burst open, and Daria and Jane rushed in.
>
Mike: [Daria] Well, Todd hasn't been coming in and... oh, he's
here already, go figure.
>"DON'T DO IT, TODD!," Daria yelled at him.
>
Tom: [Todd] Oh. Okay, you convinced me. Hey, who wants steaks?
I'm buyin'!
>Quinn suddenly saw the flash of cold steel in the dark.
>
Mike: [Quinn] AHHHHH!!!! ROBOTIC NINJA HIT SQUADS!
>"GET OUT OF THE WAY, DAVID!," Quinn screamed as she shoved David out
>of the way.
>
Tom: [Quinn, whining] I wanna whack the gravel! I wanna whack the
gravel!
>Todd fired the rifle. The bullet buried itself in Quinn's right
>breast, dropping her like lead.
>
Tom: Now that's plumb wrong. [pause] Get it? "Plumb"?
Mike: We got it, Tom.
Tom: See, 'cause lead is "plumbum" in the...
Crow: We *got* it, Servo!
>Screams and panic filled the air.
>
Mike: [random student] The Hanson brothers are here! RUN!
>Daria and Jane rushed at him. Todd yelled in anger and lunged right at
>them.
>
Crow: They froze in mid-air as the camera panned around.
>Trent, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers rushed onto
>the stage. Trent looked at Quinn.
>
Crow: [Trent] Hmmm, something's wrong somewhere.
>"Someone call 911, dammit!," Trent yelled.
>
Tom: Swearing at the 911 operators won't help, Trent.
Mike: Besides, 9-1-1's a joke in Lawndale.
>"David, are you all right?," Corey asked him.
>
>"Yes, I am," David answered. "Believe it or not, I owe my life to
>Quinn."
>
Mike: Adrian Quinn sure does get around.
>"We've got to see how Daria and Jane are doing," Corey said, heading
>for the projection room with some of his fellow Straight-Edgers.
>
>Daria and Todd were rolling around on the floor.
>
Crow: Wow, just like From Here To Eternity... only with a bigot
and a brain.
Mike: Didn't we have one of these scenes already?
>"If anything's happened to David," Daria said, "so help me God, I'll
>rip your heart out and eat it!"
>
Crow: Okay, here's my theory.
Tom: Give.
Crow: Pete kidnapped all the regular Daria characters and substituted
androids for them, but they all malfunctioned so instead of
acting like the people they've replaced, they all act like
they're on the set of "Melrose Place".
Mike: Possible. I'll file it with the "Mirror Universe" and
"Pod People" ideas.
>"I think I shot your sister," Todd yelled back.
>
Mike: [Daria, monotone] Oh. How terribly tragic. Boo-hoo.
>Daria was stunned.
Tom: [Daria] Wow. Thanks. Look, let's just call it even then.
> Todd took the advantage and slammed her to the
>floor.
>
Mike: Then he did a pile driver from the top rope!
>"Now I'm going to finish what I started with you way back when!," Todd
>said. He forced Daria's legs open.
>
Tom: [Todd] I don't care if there's a group of militants with big
guns in this building out to kill me, I'm still going to get
some RIGHT NOW!
>Jane yelled and rushed him, hauling him off of Daria.
>
Mike: Wow, forget weight-lifting! I'm gonna take up painting!
>Corey and the Straight-Edgers rushed in. Todd now grabbed Daria and
>Jane and had them in a chokehold.
>
Crow: Oh, he's actually an undercover LA police officer.
Mike: That was odd. The two were winning for a moment...
>"You come one step closer and I'll snap them like twigs!," Todd
>yelled.
>
>Corey knew he had to act quickly. He ran at him
Mike: And watched as Daria and Jane's necks were snapped like
twigs.
> and sucker punched
>him, causing him to lose his grip on Daria and Jane.
Tom: Well, I guess Todd didn't carry through on his threat.
Crow: Hey, he said he would assassinate David a few chapters ago.
Did that happen? Noooo...
> Corey now beat
>him back to the opening.
>
Crow: Um, someone remind me - who *is* Corey?
Mike: Oh, he's - uh -
Tom: He's this guy. And he's - uh - up there.
>"Come on, you punk!," Todd said; "give me your best shot!"
>
Crow: Oh, Todd, you sounded just like Dirty Harry!
>Corey then punched Todd so hard he fell through the opening and onto
>the seats below, breaking his neck on the edge on one of them.
Mike: [Todd] Oh, a break to the neck. How nice.
> He died
>instantly.
>
Tom: Well. Anticlimax, thy name is "Pete".
Mike: Ah, so that's what Rage Against the Machine showed up for. They
can march over him singing now.
>"What's going on here?," Ms. Li wanted to know. "Who's responsible for
>this?"
>
Crow: Um, the shooter?
>Quinn found some courage to speak.
>
Mike: Shot in the chest like that? Better hope she found some
*oxygen* to speak.
>"It's Sandi!," Quinn spat out.
Tom: ...Along with a spray of blood from her punctured lung...
> "She put out a contract on David!"
>
Tom: [Quinn] Oh, and JFK too! And Vince Foster! And that guy
who wrote that really cool episode of "Dawson's Creek".
>Sandi was infuriated. Suddenly, she took out a pistol and aimed it
>squarely at David.
>
Crow: Which she managed to get by *all* those metal detectors and
stuff!
>"It looks like I'll have to finish the job myself!," Sandi said. "Die,
>you fucking retart!"
>
Tom: Fortunately, David saw school for what it really was and
caught the bullet.
Crow: [Sandi] Oh, and I'm running for President when you die,
okay?
>Suddenly, the Lawndale Police burst in.
>
[All stare.]
Mike: Did he just...
Tom: The police! They actually came in the nick of time!
Crow: And none too soon. Sheesh.
>"ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE!," one of the officers said.
Mike: [police] We're holding this session hostage until you pass
this resolution my kid thought of!
> He then saw Sandi
>and said, "DROP THE GUN!"
>
Tom: [Sandi] But you said not to move!
>Sandi turned around and was going to fire at the officer.
Crow: [Sandi] Vote for me or I'll shoot this officer!
> Trent,
>however, got up from behind her and gave her the Vulcan Grip, dropping
>her to the floor.
>
Mike: [shaking his head] He couldn't just clock her on the noggin
or give her a punch to the jaw. No, he had to use the
"Vulcan Grip".
Tom: That makes the score Nutkicking three, Vulcan Grips one.
Crow: Ah, Guerin-ism #610: Do the Vulcan Neck Pinch! I was
wondering when that'd happen.
>The officers rushed up to her and arrested her.
Tom: Which wasn't really hard, given that she's UNCONSCIOUS...
> "Sandi Del Monaco,"
>the officer said, "you're under arrest for attempted murder and
>conspiracy to commit murder. You have the right to remain silent.
Mike: *Please* use it.
Tom: SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS!
>Should you give up this right, anything you say can and will be used
>against you in a court of law. You have the right to the presence of
>an attorney during questioning.
Crow: [Sandi] Uhm, Quinn, I'll let you back in the Fashion Club
if you get your mother to represent me.
> If you cannot afford an attorney and
>wish to have one, an attorney will be provided to you free of charge.
Crow: You have the right to sing the blues.
Mike: You have the right to wear white after Labor Day.
Tom: You have the right to fight for your right to party.
>Do you understand these rights?"
>
Crow: [Sandi] Huh? What was the question?
Tom: [Officer] By the way, hi. I'm Miranda.
>"Yeah, yeah," Sandi said.
Tom: But... but, she was unconscious!
Mike: Does Guerin think the Vulcan Neck Pinch just drops people
to the floor?
Crow: Does he think it really exists, first off...
> They began to haul her away. She then turned
>around and yelled at David, "This isn't over, retart! When I get out,
>I'm starting a recall vote!"
Tom: A bitter, lengthy campaign doesn't work? Shoot him. Shooting
him doesn't work? Start a bitter, lengthy campaign!
> They then hustled her out of the
>auditorium.
>
Mike: And as she exited, she was shot by Jack Ruby.
>Daria and Jane went to Quinn. She was bleeding very badly.
>
Mike: Maybe they should do something.
Crow: Nah, it'll heal right up.
>"Quinn," Daria said, "this is going to be a shock,
Tom: If you have to shock an injured person, at least warn them
first.
> since this is
>coming from me, but what you did was very courageous."
>
Crow: Yes, how shocking that she took the bullet? DARIA, YOUR
SIBLING RIVALRY IS NOT A PRIORITY RIGHT NOW! AAARGH!
>"Thank you, Daria," Quinn feebly replied. She then lost consciousness.
>The EMS team then took her away. Daria, Jane and David followed.
>
Mike: Followed a team of Ocampas and annoying Lieutenants.
Crow: [Daria] Don't knock yourselves out. If she dies, I get her room.
>The meeting quickly disbanded. Word later was given that the
>amendments had passed the Student Senate by the bare 10-5 vote needed.
[All laugh.]
Mike: Wow! An assassination attempt and the vote still just barely
squeaks by. That opposition must be pretty fierce!
Tom: Let's make some funny comment and then leave the theater.
Crow: Er, so the rabbi said, "That's not my duck"?
Tom: Close enough. Let's go.
[They stand and leave.]
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