MiSTed: Stolen Memories (25/29)
Rottweiler
It
looks half-built. TOM and CROW are both wearing white overalls and
yellow
hardhats. TOM has some pieces of scrap metal tucked under his arm.
CROW
has blueprints in his hands.]
CROW: The breakfast nook is coming along beautifully!
TOM: Yeah, and the sitting room should be finished by Monday.
CROW: Is this gonna be the best hut ever or what?
(MIKE enters and studies the scene with a bemused expression)
MIKE: (sighs, long-suffering) Okay, who wants to explain this to me?
TOM: Hi, Mike. Didn't see ya sneak up on us. Say, you really should be
wearing a hardhat. This is a contruction zone, for Pete's sake.
MIKE: Oh, I get it. The fascinating hut-building sequence from the
fanfic
has inspired you to build your own hut. Am I right?
CROW: Couldn't have said it any better, my caucasian comrade.
TOM: But this won't be just any old, run-of-the-mill hut like those
jarheads in the story are making.
CROW: Nope. Our split-level hut has six bedrooms, three-and-a-half
bathrooms, a fully-functional kitchen, a conservatory, and an
Olympic-size indoor pool.
TOM: Plus, it's air-conditioned, cable-ready, and smells like a new car.
MIKE: Sounds wonderful. Uh, I don't mean to be a party-pooper here, but
where exactly are you getting the material to build this Barbie
dream
hut?
CROW: Er... uh... hmmmmm...
TOM: (covering up) Why, from one of the Satellite of Love's many natural
forests, of course! Our satellite is a vast resource of...
(MIKE bangs his fist on the side of the hut. We hear a metallic
"clanking"
sound.)
MIKE: A forest with METAL trees?
TOM: (Richard Nixon) Now let me say this about that...
MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9.
CROW: I wouldn't recommend that, Mike.
[Cut to exterior shot of the SOL. There is a gaping hole in the side of
the satellite. Lots of little objects are getting sucked out into the
vast
cosmos. We hear a "WHOOOOOSSH" sound.]
MIKE: (voice-over) Uh-huh. Just as I thought.
[Cut to SOL Bridge. MIKE is ready to kill.]
CROW: I can explain, Mike. Well, actually, Tom can explain. Take it
away
Tom.
TOM: (casual) In the topsy-turvy world of today, who's to say what's
right
and what's wrong?
(All of a sudden, GYPSY enters. She's in a panic.)
GYPSY: Mike, come quick! Your record collection is being sucked into
space
at this very moment! The Lindsay Buckingham solo albums are
gone,
but if we hurry, I think we can save some of your Emerson, Lake
and
Palmer records.
(A pause as this news sinks in. Then...)
MIKE: AAAAAHHHH!!! My autographed copy of "Brain Salad Surgery"!
(MIKE and GYPSY exit together, leaving TOM and CROW alone on the bridge)
CROW: Well... better get back to building the hut.
TOM: You said it, buddy.
CROW: Hey! Wouldn't it be neat to have a hammock woven of vines for the
back porch?
TOM: Cool! I know where we can get those vines, too, and they can't ALL
be
necessary for life support...
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
BOTS: We've got fanfic sign!
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. The BOTS enter and take their seats.]
> The next morning, Julian awoke alone.
CROW: I think this story is just a drastic rewrite of _Groundhog Day_
with
Bill Murray. We keep coming back to the same scene over and over
again - a guy waking up.
> When he
> explored the camp site, to find no trace
TOM: He left after Season Seven.
(CROW looks at TOM)
> of her, he
> assumed she was gone.
CROW: As was the thrill.
(MIKE enters and takes his seat)
MIKE: You're going to pay for jettisoning my records.
TOM: Relax, Mike. You didn't complain when we incinerated your Hummel
figurines.
MIKE: You torched my Hummels?!?
(Mike buries his face in his hands.)
CROW: Nice going, Servo. I was going to blame Gypsy for that one.
MIKE: (face still in hands) Huey, Dewey and Louie never gave Bruce Dern
any
trouble. Why did I get stuck with the broken bots?
> When he returned from answering the
> call of nature he found the pile of fire fuel had been
> enlarged.
TOM: The wood had morning wood.
> When he began transferring the freshly roasted
> meat to the pantry,
CROW: He was suddenly confronted by a grizzly bear and had to make a
desperate run for his life?
MIKE: No, no. It's nothing interesting or exciting, believe me.
> it was to discover one of his baskets
> full of fresh, and unripe fruit, that he knew would slowly
> ripen and become edible.
MIKE: See? What did I tell ya?
> He collected the poles
TOM: From Poland.
> Alis had found for him and
> started sharpening them into stakes.
CROW: You never know when a vampire will attack.
> These stakes Julian
> planted in a half ring around the hut,
MIKE: Do they really NEED a mini-Stonehenge?
> and when he was
> done, he wandered into the wilderness for the first time,
TOM: And was promptly mauled by a bunny rabbit.
> taking her knife with him, to collect vines that he dragged
> back to the campsite, again and again.
CROW: (Julian) I'm building a swingset!
> With each trip he returned from, he'd discover
> evidence of Alis' presence at the camp sit during his
> expeditions.
MIKE: Such as that "ALIS WUZ HERE" graffiti.
> All the baskets were full, the food pit
> outside was being slowly filled, and there were freshly
> skinned hides and skins drying around the camp sight, or
> fuel piles had been added too.
TOM: You know guys, we're going to have to watch three dozen action
movies
after this story, in order to achieve equilibrium.
> When he grew tired of fetching vines he began
> sorting through the fuel piles pulling out the flexible
> twigs for weaving and returned to the hut to start weaving
> new baskets.
CROW: Just another Saturday night for Julian.
> Alis didn't return to the hut that night.
MIKE: She was tired of eating pizza.
> When he
> woke, he found the food pit empty and the fire pit full,
> hides and skins prepared for drying on the walls of the
> hut, and a pile of vines and more stakes waiting.
CROW: (Julian) What I wouldn't do for some Tupperware right now.
> He
> planted the stakes completing his ring, then went off into
> the wilderness to collect more vines.
TOM: Jane was coming over later, and he wanted to try something kinky.
> When he tired of
> collecting vines, he returned to find even more stakes
> waiting for him.
MIKE: (Julian) I don't even LIKE steak!
> He planted those into the ring, and then
> began weaving the vines around the poles.
CROW: No one will be seated during the pulse-pounding Maypole
tournament!
> When the sun began setting he left his work to bathe
> in the river, and returned to the hut, to find it empty,
> but on the table there was a meal waiting for him,
TOM: He and Max just got back from where the wild things are.
> the meat
> still hot from the fire pit.
CROW: (singing) Still hot as fire...
> He clambered out to find it
> and the food pit empty.
MIKE: (Julian) Hmmmmm... did I have a party here last night?
> He scrambled down into the pantry
> to find all the baskets and food pits full, and on a large
> leaf bed, he found a bowl of honey and honey comb.
TOM: Ugh, product placement in a fanfic.
> When he returned to the hut above it was to find a
> piece of hide on the wall, and on it in charcoal was a
> message from Alis.
CROW: It was a Dear John letter.
> She had left him, to go complete her life test.
MIKE: Wow, an actual plot development.
> She
> would return and make her home there with Julian, if the
> goddess willed it.
TOM: "P.S. - I just heard back from the goddess, and it turns out she
didn't will it. I guess this is goodbye. Love always, Alis."
> Julian sunk down on her bed, to find it warm, with
> the warmth of having been rested on for some time.
CROW: So it was warm with warmth.
> He
> realised she'd been sleeping in the hut while he worked.
MIKE: Was it role reversal day or something?
> She must have returned to rest while he was off collecting
> vines, and left while he was bathing.
TOM: It would have made sense to be with him and say goodbye, but I
guess
it's too much to ask for logic in this fanfic.
> He didn't sleep well that night.
CROW: The wilderbeasts next door were playing Motorhead albums.
> Julian's spent the early hours of the morning feeling
> sorry for himself.
MIKE: (singing) Can't stop this feelin'...
> It was only later, that he decided to
> prove to her that his plan to live in the relative safety
> of the wilderness was a viable one,
TOM: But she already agreed that the wilderness was a good place to
live!
DOESN'T ANYBODY IN THIS STORY PAY ATTENTION OR PERFORM AN ACTION
THAT
MAKES *SENSE*?!?
> by using the time it
> took for her to complete her life test to make the hut
> habitable for long term residence.
MIKE: Separate his-and-hers bedrooms, then?
> With that goal, he returned to weaving his vine wall,
> taking several trips in to the wilderness to collect more
> vines.
CROW: I hear Julian has some really rare vines in his collection,
including
one with the airplane printed upside-down.
> He took with him a bundle of wooden spears, which
> he ended up using to dispatch snakes and creatures which
> decided he was on the menu.
TOM: He's the main ingredient in dork soup.
MIKE: Is that anything like _Duck Soup_?
TOM: Absolutely not.
> For the first time he ended up skinning them,
MIKE: And for the second or third time, he ended up kissing them.
> and made
> a botch out of it,
CROW: Mmmm, botch casserole!
> he ended up throwing up in the fire pit,
> several times, before he got the hang of it and learned to
> control his stomach.
MIKE: You know, there ARE other ways to put out your campfires.
> By the end of the first week, his vine wall was
> shoulder high.
TOM: But only if you were Herve Villechaize.
> Buy the end of the second week,
CROW: At this insanely low price! We're practically giving it away!
> it was
> ringed, on the inside by a mud and rock wall waist high.
MIKE: Andy Warhol's _Sleep_ is starting to look like a non-stop thrill
ride
right about now.
> By
> the end of the third week, there was another mud and rock
> wall outside.
TOM: This is slowly becoming a Pink Floyd tribute.
> The nights he spent weaving a door for the
> wall and it took him three days to devise a in which to way
> to use it.
CROW: It took him three days to devise a what, now?
MIKE: (Julian) I'm not as think as you drunk I am. (hic)
> He made three more stakes, to lash the door too,
> then he built a low knee high mud and rock wall around the
> doorway, to keep the animals out.
TOM: I know Mormon missionaries are annoying, but you don't have to call
them animals.
> During the forth week, he scouted around the rivers
> edge, finding drift wood and bark, gourds and stones which
> he converted into plates, bowls, cups, eating utensils and
> several more cradles, in the hope that Alis would return
> and chose to stay here, and start a family with him.
TOM: So when Jules escaped from the harem, the harem keeper sent Henry
VIII
wearing a suit of solid gold armor and riding on Willard Scott's
back
to find him?
CROW: Apparently.
> His explorations of the area brought to light a reed
> bed,
CROW: Which Reed and Sue were still using.
> and he tried to pull them up,
TOM: (Julian) Outta the bed, you two! You DO want to be approved by the
Comics Code Authority, don't you?
> and only succeed in
> slicing his hands and fingers open on the sharp edged
> reeds.
MIKE: It slices! It dices! Look at that tomato!
> Julian left the reed bed, to retrace his steps back
> to the camp,
CROW: But the animals had already eaten the trail of breadcrumbs he'd
left.
> making sure he left enough tracks to find the
> reed bed again.
TOM: And so it would be easier for the wilderbeasts to find him.
> At the camp,
MIKE: He wrote a letter to his muddah and his faddah.
> he cut up pieces of hide to
> wrap around his hands and fingers,
CROW: Hey Julian, There's a pair of isotoners in the root cellar!
MIKE: Yeah, and the LAPD might have planted one nearby. You could wear
that!
> before returning to the
> reed bed to harvest the reeds, which he carried back to the
> hut, to weave into red matting for the floor and reed
> curtains to cover the walls.
TOM: I feel like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_, except I'm being forced
to
watch Home and Garden Television.
> He remembered the hides when it began to rain,
MIKE: Knowing this planet, it was probably raining men.
CROW: Hallelujah.
> and
> scrambled out to collect them and returned to the hut, to
> pass his days making new clothes.
CROW: Julian spent the next few days in the jungle, searching for Asian
children who would work in his sweatshop.
> By trial and error he
> learned how to make moccasins, loose baggy pants and a long
> sleeved tunic.
TOM: He then went on to found the Backstreet Boys.
> Once he got the hang of it, he made a hooded
> cape of fur,
MIKE: I wouldn't wear fur around your girlfriend, Jules. That cape
could
be someone she knows.
> and another of snake skin, then a back pack of
> snake skin to use while gathering supplies.
CROW: By a strange quirk of fate, he found a naturally-occurring source
of
Dolly Madison Zingers that day.
> He ran out of
> hide and skin before he was through with the back pack and
> went hunting for more.
TOM: Why doesn't he just peel off some of George Hamilton's hide?
> In the fifth week he got to work on making a double
> bed, dragging long thick branches into the hut, to make a
> frame, then lashing hide to it.
MIKE: I think Red Skye enjoyed _Robinson Crusoe_ a little too much.
> It broke under him, the
> very first night.
CROW: Comic relief by Bob Saget.
> He gave up and tried making chairs
> instead.
TOM: He's the male Martha Stewart.
> He succeeded in this endeavour, and feeling very
> proud of himself, he tried again to make the bed he wanted.
MIKE: Felistia's Ethan Allen, ladies and gentlemen.
> This time he got it right.
CROW: He was the Little Furniture Designer That Could.
> He went hunting again, armed with a make shift bow
> and arrows,
MIKE: He's playing Robin Hood.
CROW: Well, he DID make a Little John in the hut.
(MIKE and TOM groan)
> stalking furred animals and birds,
TOM: Until they got restraining orders.
> collecting
> feathers, and fur pelts to make blankets and pillows for
> the bed.
MIKE: Still, he hadn't quite figured out how to make a TV out of
coconuts.
> Dragging large stones into the hut he converted
> his bed into a couch with fur cushions, then he set to work
> making a table.
CROW: Then he built a Rumpus Room.
> On the seventh week,
TOM: God rested.
MIKE: Hold it! By this time, Julian's been missing for 17 weeks!
Shouldn't somebody be looking for him?! Geez, Wesley misses
dinner
and the fifth fleet combs the sector looking for him, but Julian
vanishes and not even his Dad bothers to look for him?
TOM: Geez, Mike. Just wait a few scenes.
CROW: yeah, the A-Team will get here soon to save him.
MIKE: Oh. Well, okay then.
> Julian lashed together a cloth
> rack.
MIKE: And started creating other instruments of torture.
> Using thong and strong sticks he made clothes hangers
> and set to washing his clothes.
CROW: So he built a primitive Maytag out of bamboo and twigs?
TOM: Before long, he'll be lashing up a primitive vine and snakeskin
holodeck.
MIKE: I'm having _Gilligan's Island_ flashbacks.
> Every stitch of clothing
> was hanging on the rack before the fire place drying, and
> he was lying snuggled in the bed,
CROW: With visions of sugarplums dancing in his head.
> drifting off to sleep
> when he heard the door of the pen open.
TOM: (Julian) Why do I live in a petting zoo?
> He sat bolt
> upright, then scrambled out of bed and ducked into the
> pantry to fetch food and water.
MIKE: But when we went there, the cupboard was bare.
> He was sure Alis would be hungry.
> When he climbed out of the pantry he saw *Her*,
CROW: An Avon lady?
> the
> woman of his nightmares,
TOM: Kathy Lee Gifford.
> dressed in leather and armour
> just like Alis'.
MIKE: They had tried to pass themselves off as twins in a Doublemint gum
commercial audition.
> She had a crossbow and a quiver slung at
> her hip, whip in hand, and a sneer on her face.
TOM: Robert Maplethorpe's Joan of Arc.
> "Well, my pretty one, you lead me a merry hunt, but,
> now, the hunt is over."
CROW: Man, Julian has REALLY bad karma.
MIKE: He must have been Adolf Hitler in a previous life.
>
> **************************
TOM: That is the biggest bleeped out curse I've ever seen.
CROW: That's because it's what Julian said when de Sade showed up.
>
>
> END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART SEVEN
> ******************************************
MIKE: And still, not a single memory has been stolen.
>
> The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that
> runs concurrently with "The Hunted".
>
> ******************************************
TOM: It must have cost a fortune to hire all these stars.
>
> _____________________________________
>
> Standard disclaimers apply. Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. Reprinting
> this story in whole or in part is denied without
> the permission of Mission Ops Productions first -
> except in cases of review.
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
> Send your comments and requests to: hen...@zip.com.au
> -----------------------------------------------------
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are behind the counter, facing CAMBOT.
MIKE has a box in front of him.]
MIKE: Hi everyone. The Autobots and I have created _Stolen Memories_
action figures in a pathetic attempt to take our minds off the
pain
of the actual story.
(MIKE takes a figure of a teenage boy out of the box)
MIKE: First we have Julian Bashir, the hero of the story. He comes with
removable shirt, trousers, briefs, socks, boots, robe, and fur
tunic.
He also has a walking stick and makeshift bow and arrows.
(He puts the Julian figure on the counter and takes out a figure of a
humanoid cat in a nondescript garment that one might call a dress)
MIKE: Next is the Alis figure. She has a removable dress and robe and
an
enameled case with a slave collar inside. And she talks!
(Presses a button on the figure's back)
ALIS: "Don't fret my pet."
(Takes out a figure of a black woman with a tail and cat-like ears)
MIKE: The de Sade figure comes with a table with bands to hold down
Julian
while she tortures him, and a syringe to enhance the pain he
feels.
(Takes out another figure)
MIKE: Alistair comes with a pillow and has a pillow-tossing action
feature.
(Puts the pillow in Alistair's hand, pulls back the figure's arm and
releases it, causing the pillow to fly across the bridge)
MIKE: He can also walk in "ground eating strides that take more ground
than
running any day"!
(Puts Alistair on the counter and pushes a button on the figure's back.
It starts walking across the counter.)
ALISTAIR: Mmmm... beefy!
MIKE: And there's so much more!
(MIKE takes out two more figures. Alistair continues walking)
MIKE: Life Test Alis and Hunter de Sade have crossbows that really
shoot!
(Takes out three more figures)
MIKE: There's Julian's dad, the Sensualist and the wilderbeast.
ALISTAIR: Ground tastes like chicken.
(Takes out four more figures)
MIKE: And Yoonuk, Ma'pul Thorp, Eidto Yaddoog and Ogrot.
TOM: Huh?
CROW: Mike, just who the heck are these figures supposed to be of?
MIKE: They're the harem keeper, a Felistian male who can be seen for
three
seconds in the pack rape scene, the Klingon ambassador to
Felistia,
who can be seen for 0.8 seconds in the hallway at the beginning of
Part Two, and Alis' personal servant, who is mentioned but never
seen.
(TOM and CROW look at each other, baffled)
TOM: Weird figures...
ALISTAIR: Mmmm... gimme some french-fried ground.
(MIKE takes a smaller box out of box in front of him)
MIKE: Finally, there's the Alis and Julian's hut playset.
(Turns the box upside down and thousands of rocks, sticks, and vines
fall
out)
MIKE: Some assembly required, as seen in the story.
(ALISTAIR falls off the counter. The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits
it.)
[During the Planet Bumper, ALISTAIR says "Ground - it's what's for
dinner"]
> She left him to tend to the cooking of the meal,
> while she returned to the wilderness,