MiSTed: Ratliff's "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" (3/4)
Loren Haarsma
======================= Part 3/4 =====================================
[return from commercials]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 7 - New
>> Date: 15 Oct 1996 16:13:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
[Mike and bots enter theater.]
>> Lines: 101
>> Message-ID: <540d6l$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
MIKE: Well, that was fun.
CROW: Yeah, remind me to burn all my Alanis Morissette CD's when this
is over....
>>
>> DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 7
>> Disclaimer in part 1
ALL: [singing] Dis claim is bound for glory, dis claim....
>> other parts available at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Six
>>
>> The Stargazer looped around the Maquis raiders firing at whoever
>> was closer.
TOM: Maquis raiders and Federation fighters alike were blasted out of
existence....
>> Every once in a while a torpedo would explode by a raider,
>> courtesy of the Kid's crew of the Roanoke.
CROW: Yes, *please* don't let us forget about them for even a moment,
Stephen.
MIKE: [female announcer voice] The white courtesy torpedoes are located
on the starboard hull.
>> Meanwhile Marrissa's red
>> and blue wings, and Marrissa herself
MIKE: ... who, being omnipotent, didn't require a fighter or a spacesuit
to fly through space.
>> pursued targets among the raiders,
>> sowing confusion where ever they went.
TOM: Much like Ratliff does with his stories.
>> Then suddenly, the Stargazer took on the appearance of a
>> collision course, full impluse.
CROW: But actually it was a well-disguised full retreat!
>> "Separation in 10 ... 9 ..." Closer
>> and faster they went. Collision emanate. "6 ... 7 ..."
TOM: Which way is time flowing again?
MIKE: Collisions began to emanate from the Stargazer! Nobody was really
sure why or how....
>> On the Bridge of the Maquis Defiance, a.k.a. the Fearless,
CROW: a.k.a. the Wackiest Ship in the Maquis!
>> the
>> operations officer announced, "The Stargazer is on a collision course.
>> Impact in ten seconds."
>> "Evasive," Eddington got out, too late for the helmsman to
>> respond.
MIKE: [as helmsman] Duh, got to wait for duh command before I move
duh ship.
>> On the screen, the sideways ship closed, then suddenly the warp
>> engines pealed off.
TOM: Peals of laughter emanate from the readers as Ratliff botches yet
another homonym.
>> The saucer itself stopped. The warp pairs made
>> organized strikes down the sides of the Intrepid Class Maquis vessel,
MIKE: Management Unfair!
TOM: Better working conditions!
CROW: Longer coffee breaks!
>> as
>> the crew continued to stare. The saucer then made a corkscrew turn back
>> toward the Roanoke, righting itself and tossing a volley of torpedoes at
>> the Fearless, almost absentmindedly.
MIKE: [absentmindedly] Think I'll send a few megatons of destruction in
that direction. Hope I hit an enemy or something....
>> "Shields at 50 percent," the tactical officer announced.
>> "Follow the saucer," Eddington ordered.
TOM: [as Eddington] Leave the dish and the spoon for the raiders!
>> "We'll see if we can
>> retrieve our strike team before we leave."
>>
CROW: [as Eddington] We need them at the Detroit plants on Sunday!
>> Meanwhile, Marrissa's two wings of fighters were after the
>> eleven remaining raiders. She and Lieutenant Matt Grubb (blue wing's
>> commanding officer) were busy directing their forces.
TOM: "'Marrissa's Massacre XXIV,' scene 5, take 1. Action!"
>> "Picard to Red
>> two, watch your back."
MIKE: [as Red Two] I can't. I'm too busy watching the enemy ships!
>> "I see him, Commander."
CROW: Luke! Pull up!
>> "Red four to Red five, you've got a tail"
MIKE: [as Red Five] Well, sure, so do all Caitians, but why bring it up
now? Species-centric thinking is outlawed in the 24th Century!
>> "I can't shake him."
CROW: Cover me, Porkins!
TOM: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Ratliff has seen Star Wars
a few times.
>> "Picard to Red Three, Four, Six, relieve Five of his tail.
TOM: Ensign Gekko will grow a new one in a few days, anyway.
>> I'll be joining you."
>> Marrissa turned her fighter from the raider she had been
>> following toward the raider causing Red Five trouble. She noted this
>> course would cause her to pass between the secondary hull saucer of the
>> Nebula class starship.
CROW: ... between the hull ... and what??
>> As she closed, she noticed that the Maquis
>> raider in question's rear shields were lit up like a firefly.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Saaaaaaayyyyy.... Check out the rear shields on
*that* raider! Rrrroooowwww....
>> She
>> crossed the saucer of the Roanoke and came out in front of the raider
>> and fired her two mini-torpedoes and phasers. That was the last of the
>> raider,
CROW: [as Marrissa] Another infidel falls before my wrath!
>> as it exploded and Red Three, Four, and Six peeled out of the
>> cloud of expanding gas that it left behind.
>> "Black Leader to Fighter Commander," Dar Ducat's voice came.
TOM: Go ahead, Louis Farrakhan.
>> "Black and Green joining up. Where do you want us?"
>> "Black odds take raider five," Marrissa began "Black even,
>> raider six, Green odd, seven,
CROW: Wow, it's a good thing those Maquis raiders all have bright red
numbers painted on their hulls.
TOM: Yeah.
>> Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to
>> nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings."
MIKE: Ratliff, adjust as necessary your syntax.
CROW: I'd lay even odds that nobody gives a crap about all these
assignments.
TOM: I think Marrissa's plan is to confuse all the fighter pilots and
make them crash into each other, so that she can take all the
credit for the inevitable victory.
>> "Blue two to Commander, raider two is gone."
>> "Take raider ten Blue even. Leaders take raider eleven.
TOM: Muppets, take Manhattan!
CROW: Steve Miller, take the money and run!
>> Let's
>> clear these guys out."
MIKE: Well guys, once again Marrissa is directing a vastly superior
force to mercilessly obliterate her foes.
TOM: One of the constants that brings order to the Ratliverse, you know.
>>
>> Three fighters on each Maquis Raider left little that the Maquis
>> could do, as raider after raider found itself losing.
MIKE: Yeah, Oakland's really been struggling this year.
>> Meanwhile the
>> Defiance was trying to avoid the two warp pairs of the Stargazer.
TOM: ... until it could respond with at least a three of a kind.
>> Unable to close on the Roanoke,
MIKE: ... the Defiance decided to look for another ship with a lower asking
price in a better neighborhood.
>> the Defiance hit warp, exiting with the
>> warp pairs following. One by one, the raiders either followed suit or
CROW: ... took the trick with a trump card?
>> were destroyed.
>> The saucer, confined to impluse,
TOM: ... felt awkward and lonely as it was left behind by its faster
classmates....
>> took up guard above the
>> Roanoke. The red and blue wings returned to the fighter bay, by
>> Commander Picard's orders. The remaining wings took up station below
>> the Roanoke.
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard returned to the bridge.
CROW: What, don't we get another thrilling stair-climbing scene?!
>> "Status, Duvek?" she asked, as he yielded command to her.
>> "The warp pairs are still after the Maquis vessel," Duvek began.
>> "No sign of any additional Maquis. Ship is secure."
TOM: Battle sequences are plagiarized.
>> "Excellent, hail the Roanoke," Marrissa ordered.
CROW: "Excellent"? Weird name for a communications officer....
>> Kerstin
>> Szustakowski appeared once again
TOM: ... in her one-woman show: "My Life as a Kid's Crew Officer and
Mistress of the Universe."
>> from her classroom. "Kerstin, I must
>> compliment you on the photon torpedo trick."
>> "Thank you Commander," Kerstin blushed.
>> "I think it's time to get rid of that occupation you're
>> suffering," Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Your new occupation is ship's janitor.
TOM: What about *our* suffering?
>> "Would you mind if I removed them from
>> the Bridge and Engineering of your ship?"
TOM: With wording like that, Ratliff can easily get a job translating
Japanese instructions if his computer career doesn't pan out....
>> "Those uninvited guests? Take them," Kerstin said, relieved.
CROW: Take my Maquis invaders. Please!
>> "Just get someone over here to see to the Medical needs of my crew. The
>> adults have been out for half a shift now."
MIKE: The adults have *effectively* been out since "Enterprized."
>> "Doctor Johnson will be over shortly," Marrissa replied.
>> "Stargazer out."
CROW: [as Kerstin] Make sure he brings the Snoopy Band-Aids and the
chewable children's aspirin!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
MIKE: And now, the list of the author's titles and accomplishments....
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 8
MIKE: Over halfway home, guys. I think we've learned how to pace
ourselves to survive these Ratliffs.
>> Date: 23 Oct 1996 02:03:33 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 151
>> Message-ID: <54judl$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: zazu.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> DS9: Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story
TOM: Those three words still send a chill up your spine, though.
MIKE: They sure do.
>> A Stargazer Mission
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> part 8
>>
>> parts available on the web at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> A Repost of parts 1-7 will follow. Comments requested.
CROW: No! NOOO!!! He's going to show us the first half *AGAIN*!!!!
AHHHHHHH...WHATSINSCOULDABOTCOMMITINASINGLELIFETIME....
[In a panic, Crow runs back and forth in front of the screen.]
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
MIKE: Crow! Calm down! We don't *know* yet if Forrester is sending
us the repost!
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
CROW: [beginning to calm down, sees this last line and starts running
again] AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
TOM: [to Mike] So, what are we gonna do if this *is* a repost?
MIKE: I brought a cyanide tablet.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
TOM: Mike, promise me you'll rip out my optical sensors before you
swallow that tablet?
MIKE: You know I will, Tom.
TOM: Thanks....
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Seven
MIKE: There. See, Crow?
CROW: [puff puff] ... are ... are we safe?
MIKE: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but we survived the repost crisis
anyway....
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer NCC-2893
>> Stardate 51381.89
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington commanding.
>> ... After defending the Roanoke, we chased the Intrepid class
>> vessel stolen by the Maquis into the badlands. Unfortunately, we lost
>> them in a plasma storm. I and Glinn Gusat returned to the saucer and
>> docked.
ALL: Saaaaay!
>> Lieutenant Commander Picard had, in our absence, retaken the
>> bridge and other occupied areas of the Roanoke.
CROW: ... in a very dramatic and action-packed scene that we don't feel
like showing you.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The security personnel we sent over may have fired a
shot or two, but it was really Marrissa's doing, pretty much!
>> Doctor Johnson has
>> filled our sickbay, and theirs with the Roanoke's comatose crew. He
>> believes they will recover without ill effect within 48 hours, but
>> recommends a week's recovery period.
TOM: Ironically, after being out cold for hours, they need rest!
>> Per Picard's recommendation, I have left young Szustakowski in
>> command of the Roanoke.
CROW: Like Marrissa would ever recommend anything else!
TOM: [as T'Gwen] I was going to object to such a nonsensical idea,
but Marrissa used some odorless, invisible gas on me which destroyed
my logical abilities and rendered me a soulless vehicle for her
ambitions.
>> We are returning to Deep Space Nine with much
>> to ponder.
MIKE: Why did our last battle resemble so closely the fighter sequences
from "Star Wars"?
TOM: Why do untrained children wind up in command so *bloody* often?
CROW: Who put the "bop" in the "bop-she-bop-she-bop"...?
ALL: [singing] Who put the "ram" in the "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong"...?
>>
>> Marrissa, Doctor Johnson, Ross and Kathy Lochard, and Lieutenant
>> Lavelle were in Seven Slightly Starboard
TOM: Mike, please, I'm begging you. Kill me now. Have mercy, man!
MIKE: Oh, I can't do that, Servo! Remember what Nietzsche said,
"Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger."
TOM: Yeah, but Nietzsche never had to read eleven Ratliff stories!
>> playing poker. "What I don't
>> get is how the Maquis took the Fearless," Ross commented, dealing out
>> the final cards. "Your bid Lavelle."
CROW: I'll raise see your Lavelle and raise you two Lochards....
>> "Five," Lavelle opened. "Their has to have been someone in their
>> command crew who helped them."
>> "I'll see you and raise you 10," Kathy responded. "But all the
>> command crew sans the doctor were left behind.
>> "So the doctor did it," Lavelle replied.
TOM: No, he was framed by The Master.
MIKE: How does that go? "Once you have eliminated the impossible,
whatever remains, however implausible, must be Ratliff"?
>> "I don't think so," Doctor Johnson commented. "We don't have
>> that much access. I fold."
TOM: I spindle!
CROW: I mutilate!
>> "Then the agent stayed behind," Lavelle suggested.
>> "I'm going to have to shoot that one down, Sam," Marrissa said.
>> "See you and raise you twenty."
>> "Too rich for me," Ross folded.
MIKE: [as Ross] I'm trying to lose a few pounds, you know how it is....
>> "I have to agree with you on
>> one point, Sam. Someone had to have lots of clearance to pull that one
>> off."
CROW: One low-hanging bridge would have ruined the whole thing....
TOM: You know, if I ever see Marrissa taking up chess and the next day
beating grand-masters, I think I'll just end it all.
>> "You mean they didn't just take her like they tried to do to the
>> Roanoke," Kathy queried.
>> "The ship was functioning too good for that to be the case,"
>> Ross stated.
MIKE: What? They warped in, sat there, took a pounding for a while, then
warped out again.
>> "That's what I thought," Lavelle confirmed. "I'll see and raise
>> 20."
>> "I fold," Kathy responded. "If not the command crew then who?"
CROW: Horton?
TOM: "If not now, then when?"
>> "I'll see your 20, Sam, and raise you 30," Marrissa called. "I
>> have a couple suspicions on that."
>> "Oh?" Sam Lavelle responded. "Who? I'll see you and raise you
>> 40."
MIKE: Thrill as the Stargazer poker club pulls out all the stops in a
no-holds-barred bidding frenzy!
TOM: Wow, somebody's going to leave this game *completely* stripped of
all their meaningless little hunks of plastic.
>> "Admiral Ellis," Marrissa answered. "I see you and raise you
>> 50."
>> "Ellis? really Marrissa," Kathy remarked.
CROW: Wow! Admiral Ellis is really Marrissa? This changes everything!
>> "Yeah, what have you got against him?" Ross asked.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Oh, nothing much. Just a few compromising pictures
of Ellis and a Denebian sand goat. Wanna see?
>> "I fold," Lavelle said.
>> Marrissa pulled in the pot and replied,
TOM: [as Marrissa] This is only for medical purposes. I don't inhale.
>> "He failed to send a
>> rescue party to the Roanoke when Kerstin requested one."
>> "That sounds like a good enough reason," Doctor Johnson
>> concurred. "Is anyone charging him?"
CROW: No, they're paying cash for him.
>> "I've asked the JAG office to look into the matter," Marrissa
>> responded.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] But they kept trying to sell me a luxury car, so
I'm going to try something else.
>> "Well gentlemen, I've got Alpha shift tomorrow, so I'll be
>> going now."
CROW: So I guess that makes Marrissa the alpha bi....
MIKE: [sets his hand on Crow's shoulder] Uh uh.
>> "Quitting while your ahead, I see," Ross Lochard stated.
>> "Always, Lieutenant, first rule of tactics," Marrissa smiled.
ALL: [great peals of laughter]
MIKE: What would Sun Tzu or von Clausewitz say to that one?
TOM: Sure, give up while you've got an advantage and give the enemy a
chance to catch up. Good rule, Marrissa!
>> "And don't get too loud tonight, my room is right on the other side of
>> that wall."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] No fun of any kind is allowed on my ship unless I'm
personally involved!
CROW: Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
>>
>> Former Star Fleet Lieutenant Ro Laren sat in the brig of the
>> Roanoke. She wondered why she always took the hard assignments.
TOM: Differential equations, quantum field theory, organic chemistry....
MIKE [as Ro] I guess I nevah... EVAH... do anything NICE and EASY!
[singing] Rollin'! Rollin'! Rollin' down the riiiii-vaaaaahhh!!!
CROW: [shudders] Mike, that was scary enough the first time....
TOM: But at least he's not wearing that outfit.
>> Taking
>> a Nebula class starship, who ever had put that on the assignment list
>> must have been insane. Never the less she had signed up for it.
TOM: Things to do today: Do laundry. Buy milk. Hijack a Starfleet
warship.
CROW: [as Ro] Steal a starship?! Who put *that* in the syllabus?
>> Now
>> she was paying for it.
MIKE: [falsetto] Young lady, that ship you stole is coming right out of
your allowance!
>> On the eve of Maquis Independence, here she sat
>> in the brig of a Star Fleet vessel.
CROW: [as Ro] And I'm missing the fireworks show!
>> "You don't look like you're having fun," a young voice stated.
MIKE: [as young voice] And for that ... you must die.
TOM: [as the Alpha Complex computer] Happiness is mandatory, citizen.
Are *YOU* happy?
>> Standing outside her cell was a young girl in a red and blue
>> Starfleet-like uniform. Ro wondered who it was.
>> "No I'm not," Ro commented.
>> "It's a shame really," the girl responded. "You certainly
>> seemed to be having fun yesterday."
TOM: [as Kerstin] You were turning cartwheels and cracking jokes with
your fellow hijackers and everything!
>> "You mean when I tried to take over this ship," Ro replied.
>> "That wasn't fun, that was duty."
>> "Who said it wasn't possible to do both?" the girl asked.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Girl, you can bring home the bacon *and* fry it up
in a pan!
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Once you unlock the power of your inner child, you
can steal Starfleet ships *much* more effectively!
>> "I've never been able to," Ro answered.
TOM: Okay, who are you and what have you done with the *real* Ro Laren?
MIKE: They must be keeping her tough, proud, fiercely independent
personality under control with Ratliff gas....
>> "That's really a shame," the girl commented. "I've had fun
>> almost every time I've been on duty.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Especially when I destroyed your ships, made your
colleagues die an agonizing fiery death, and watched their mangled,
lifeless corpses drift in the icy vacuum of space. That was lots
of fun!
>> Unless you count that Greiluse
>> treaty. That gave me a headache."
CROW: Greiluse treaties burn my gut!
MIKE: [as Kerstin] I had to head-butt the representatives from both
sides into submission.
>> "Who are you anyway?" Ro inquired.
MIKE: I'm Bat-brat!
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, acting Captain," the girl informed.
>> "I leave and Star Fleet goes to the kids," Ro grumbled.
>> "Shouldn't you be on the bridge or something?"
TOM: No, she shouldn't ... and everyone but Ratliff seems to know it!
>> "No, it's Beta shift," Kerstin replied. "I'm doing my tour of
>> the ship. It's been nice talking to you, Miss Ro." The girl Captain
>> walked off.
TOM: ... skipping and whistling a happy tune of death and destruction on
galactic scales.
MIKE: [sarcastically] Well, if that little visit doesn't cheer Ro up, I
don't know what will!
>>
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington and Glinn Gusat sat in the Stargazer's
>> ready room.
CROW: ... or readied in the Stargazer's Sat Room.
>> Already, the room was beginning to take on the personality
>> of the half-Vulcan Captain.
CROW: Wooden, shallow, and poorly written?
TOM: A lifeless automaton submissive to Marrissa's ambitions?
>> A painting of the Vulcan's Forge graced one
>> wall, with the Captain's saber hung below it. A copy of Decartes's La
>> Geometrie sat under glass on a table.
TOM: Yeah, Rene Descartes ... now *there* was a man who really knew
all the angles!
MIKE: [groans]
>> A stand by the door had the
>> traditional model of Washington's last command,
MIKE: It was a replica of the words: "Evasive action, quickly!"
>> the Miranda.
>> "So Glinn, what do you think of the Stargazer now," Washington
>> asked.
CROW: [as announcer] How much would you pay for a starship like this?
Don't answer, because you also get this amazing vinyl repair kit!
>> "Where can Cardassia purchase one?" Glinn Gusat replied.
TOM: [as announcer] At the friendly Dodge dealer nearest you!
>> "I've
>> never seen such a versatile vessel. Fighters, those warp pair craft,
>> and I've never seen such a large vessel corner so well."
MIKE: [as announcer] With all of these features and more, the new
Stargazer once again redefines the driving experience!
CROW: Clearly, it's the most astonishing vessel the author's mind ever
devised.
TOM: Actually, if you'll remember, it's the most astonishing vessel the
author's *brother* ever devised!
>> "Well, when the refitter has been around 150 years, he learns
>> some things," Captain Washington remarked.
TOM: Like where to buy Depends in bulk.
>> "Vulcan?"
CROW: [as T'Gwen] No thanks, I'm trying to cut back....
>> "No, Admiral Scott's human," Washington replied. "He spent a
>> quarter of a century as Captain Kirk's Chief Engineer."
>> "James T. Kirk?"
CROW: [as T'Gwen, sarcastically] No, *Shirley* Kirk, the *other* famous
Starfleet captain! Who do you think?!
>> "The same. Scott is a certified genius.
TOM: [as T'Gwen] But ever since we had to put him in a home, he's
just certified.
>> He's spent the last
>> couple years figuring out how to upgrade our older starships. He did
>> such a good job converting the Constellation class into the Stargazer
>> class
TOM: [singing]: ... that now he is the ruler of the Queen's navy!
>> that they're thinking of giving him the Nova Class project."
>> "Shouldn't he be retiring soon?"
>> "He did once. Reportably he couldn't stand it."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Either that, or his family couldn't stand him taking
up space on their couch. I forget which.
TOM: "Reportably"? Now he's just making words up!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
TOM: [as Sisko] It's a particularly rare vintage from the 20th century,
distilled from the blood of a man named W. C. Fields....
MIKE: [as announcer] Here at the blood bank of Ernest and Julio Gallo,
we will serve no wine before its time.
CROW: He's been saving it for when the Blood Beast comes to visit....
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 9
>> Date: 29 Oct 1996 14:07:47 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 195
>> Message-ID: <55533j$c...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> part 9, serialized weekly
CROW: Despised daily.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Eight
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> Deep Space Nine
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko recording
TOM: [as Sisko] Help! I'm being held prisoner in a crappy fanfic!
>> The Stargazer has arrived towing the Roanoke. Apparently, the
>> Maquis tired to capture the Roanoke. I am happy to report that
MIKE: [as Sisko] Our ratings have improved ever since we started this
war-with-the-Dominion storyline.
>> due to
>> the efforts of the Stargazer and the Kid's Crew of the Roanoke, they
>> failed.
CROW: [as Sisko] Unfortunately, now they're back aboard my station!
Oh, where's that bloodwine when I need it...?
>> As a result of this attempt, several Maquis have been captured.
TOM: [as Sisko] And, as expected, the secretary has disavowed any
knowledge of their actions.
>> They include a former Bajoran Star Fleet Officer, Ro Laren.
CROW: If she's not Bajoran anymore, what is she?
>> This Ro
>> defected from the Enterprise three years ago at the rank of Lieutenant.
>> At the time she was
MIKE: A recurring role the writers were experimenting with to see if she
should become a "regular."
>> part of an attempt to infiltrate the Maquis.
>> Then Captain Jean-Luc Picard noted that he held himself partly to blame
>> in her file. She will be brought before a court-martial.
>>
>> Marrissa was walking down the promenade when she heard a
>> familiar voice
CROW: ... inside her head.
TOM: [as voice] You must kill them all! Kill everyone who stands in
your way!
>> from behind her. "Too busy to even stop and chat with
>> an old friend?"
MIKE: [as Marrissa] No ... too stuck up!
TOM: [as Marrissa] "Friend"? What's that?
>> Marrissa spun around looking for the owner of the voice.
>> She spotted the blond teenager sitting at a table in the Replimat which
>> she had just been going past. "Come over and join me,"
MIKE: [as Vader] Together we will rule the galaxy!
TOM: [makes Vader breathing noise]
>> Jay Gordon
>> asked. "I know you haven't had dinner yet."
CROW: What, he's Jay Gordon Kreskin all of a sudden?
>> "Jay, what are you doing here?" Marrissa inquired, as she sat
>> down across from Jay.
MIKE: [as Jay] Eating dinner. Duh!
>> "Captain Sisko asked for some back-up, after the Maquis declared
>> independence," Jay informed. "Star Fleet sent him the Independence.
TOM: [as Jay] Ironic, huh?
>> Since we've been out on exploratory missions, we haven't had much shore
>> leave. So Captain Morris
MIKE: [as commercial announcer] Finicky captains choose DS9 Lives.
>> authorized some when we came into port."
>> "I see you got your full Lieutenancy," Marrissa observed. "What
>> did you have to do to get it?"
CROW: [as Jay] Oh, you know how it is ... "You die, and we all move up
in rank...."
>> "You're looking at the Independence's new Chief of Operations,"
>> Jay beamed.
>> "I thought that was your father's position," Marrissa commented.
MIKE: [as Jay] Oh, I forgot to mention, he died a grisly death on some
mission or other. I don't remember much about it, except that it
made room for my advancement. Ho hum.
>> "He got bumped up to First Officer," Jay said, smiling. "We
>> were out of range of replacements, so Captain Morris appointed me. Why
>> me I have no idea, after all I'm leaving for the Academy in six months."
TOM: Why you? Why any of these little brats?!? Why should one more
gratuitous promotion make any difference?
>> "Because Jay, you're good at organization, that's why I made you
>> my number one back in the Enterprise's Kid's Crew," Marrissa said.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Just one look at your sock drawer and I knew you
belonged at second-in-command!
>> "Speaking of the Kid's Crew on the old Enterprise,
MIKE: [as Jay] What in the heck was Jean-Luc Picard smoking, anyway?!
>> how is Clara
>> doing in command?" Jay asked.
>> "My father left her and the Kid's Crew in command while he went
>> to talk to Admiral Necheyev on Starbase 12," Marrissa began.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Dad's still as dumb as ever!
>> "You know,
>> low risk watch, not much chance of trouble."
>> "You mean the kind of watch that Kid's Crew Captains turn into
>> great adventures?" Jay said.
MIKE: "Great adventure"? Isn't that how the army describes slogging
through hip-deep mud and getting your limbs blown off?
>> "Usually beginning with an attack by some
>> enemy of the Federation."
CROW: [as Jay] By some stupid-but-evil alien who can be mercilessly wiped
out by superior forces for the advancement of our own careers?
MIKE: Actually, it usually begins with some ASCII art, or a lame quote,
followed by a few acknowledgments.
>> "You've heard this story before," Marrissa accused.
TOM: We *all* have. Over and over and over and over.
MIKE: Stephen, you are merciless.
>> "The
>> Romulans sent their annual attempt to destroy a starship toward Starbase
>> 12 this year."
TOM: Wacky old Romulans. You can set your calendar by them.
CROW: Isn't it nice how the Federation lets the Romulans prance across
their border every year and doesn't declare war on them? I wonder
why the Romulans aren't so tolerant?
>> "So how did Clara do?" Jay asked.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] It was the strangest thing. She acted like a scared
kid with way too much responsibility thrust upon her in a dangerous
and unfamiliar situation. If highly trained adult officers hadn't
been nearby, thousands of lives would have been lost. I just don't
understand it.
>> "Quite well, much to her surprise," Marrissa mused. "She neatly
>> clipped off the engines of the Warbird and captured it."
TOM: [as Marrissa, muttering] Weak-kneed bleeding-heart liberal pansy!
If it had been me, I would have racked up 500 more kills!
>> "So is she still claiming that she's an Engineer, not a Starship
>> Commander?" Jay inquired.
>> "Of course," Marrissa confirmed. "Not that anyone believes that
>> Engineering is her only talent after that performance."
MIKE: I *know*....
>> "I hope not," Jay responded. "So how are you doing?"
>> "Let's see, my department is a nightmare, Cardassian personnel
>> feuding with Star Fleet personnel.
MIKE: [as Star Fleeter] Bony-ridged freak!
CROW: [as Cardassian] Pajama-wearing wimp!
TOM: [as announcer] On your marks! Let's start... THE GALAXY FEUD!!!
CROW [imitates game show theme music]
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Top five answers are on the board... name
something that Ratliff does regularly in his fanfic stories
that fills his readers with loathing and disbelief. Crow?
>> My quarters are next to the ship's
>> bar, which means I hear all of the bar fights, and the Stargazer seems
>> to have attracted all the prerequisites for them.
CROW: [as contestant] Uh... long-winded, stilted conversations about
topics that nobody cares about?
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Survey says...
ALL: BUZZZT!
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Nope! Not a top answer! Tom Servo, your
chance to steal!
>> To make matters
>> worse, I've been assigned the defense of former Star Fleet Officer
>> turned Maquis," Marrissa listed.
ALL: WHAT?!?
[short pause]
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
TOM: [as contestant] I think I've got it, Richard.... How about
putting Marrissa in a position of responsibility that she has
neither the age nor experience to handle properly?
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] NUMBER ONE ANSWER!!!
>> "Would that be Ro Laren?" Jay asked.
>> "It would," Marrissa confirmed.
>> "Perhaps I can help," Jay remarked.
TOM: Sure, why not? This situation hasn't become ridiculous enough
yet!!!
CROW: What happened, did every member of Starfleet's JAG office suddenly
come down with the Venusian flu?
MIKE: That, or more Ratliff gas....
>> "Since I've become Chief of
>> Operations, I've defended four people."
>> "How good are you?" Marrissa inquired.
MIKE: [as Jay] Why don't you come back to my quarters and find out?
>> "I'm four for four," Jay smiled.
MIKE: [as Jay] Four trials, four executions! That's good, right?
>>
>> Lieutenant Ro Laren sat back against the wall of her cell on
>> Deep Space Nine. Her knees bent, with an arm causally resting on it,
MIKE: Wow, this is either getting into really deep metaphysical territory,
or Ratliff still can't spell.
>> she contemplated her fate. She hoped they had got the west wing air
>> conditioned ... it was rather likely that she would be spending some
>> time in prison.
TOM: [as announcer] Tonight on "Hard Copy": Shocking footage of
Federation prison conditions....
>> After all she was being court-martialed for attempted
>> take over of a starship and numerous other things she had done as a
>> Maquis.
MIKE: But worst of all, they were *really* going to nail her for the
times she exceeded Warp 5 with non-refined engines!
>> As she mused over this, a young blond lady entered in a red Star
>> Fleet uniform. "Ro Laren?" the blond inquired.
>> "Yes?" Ro replied
TOM: Yo! Ro!
CROW: Oh, like she's never heard that one before.
>> "I'm Marrissa Picard, I'll be your defense attorney," she
>> replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] And I've got a 21:14 Kobayashi Maru time, so you've
got nothing to worry about!
TOM: [as Ro] Look, let's save a little time here. Just take me down
to the lethal injection chair right now and get it over with, okay?
>> "I remember you," Ro commented. "You're the girl that got the
>> Ensign's rank at age 12. I know some non-coms that didn't like that."
CROW: I know some readers who didn't like it.
MIKE: [as Ro] Can you get me to a comm unit? They'd *really* like to
know you're here now....
>> "I know," Marrissa responded. "There are even a couple officers
>> who are resenting the speed at which I've been promoted.
CROW: [snickering] A couple? I think Marrissa's being *very* optimistic
in that assessment.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Ha ha, it's so much fun watching the little people
go on and on about their pathetic little lives!
>> Never mind the
>> fact that I've protested them all, with the exception of this last one
>> to Lieutenant Commander."
TOM: Yeah, her reluctance to command everyone around her *really*
shines through in Ratliff's stories, doesn't it?
>> "They put you on the fast track," Ro smiled. "I've been on it,
>> twice. Its not easy is it?"
>> "No, sometimes I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass,"
ALL: MORE SUNLIGHT! MORE SUNLIGHT!
>> Marrissa stated. "And if you make the slightest error ..."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ... you brutally destroy all witnesses!
>> "They jump on you like a two year does with a spider on a
>> sidewalk," Ro finished.
CROW: But enough about those guys on the Satellite of Love!
MIKE: Ba-DUM-bum!
>> "Just be glad you haven't wound up in prison
>> yet."
TOM: [as Ro] Just be glad you have an author that constantly twists
logic and the laws of the universe for you.
>> "Do I sense a defeatist attitude?" Marrissa asked. "I shouldn't
>> be, after all I believe I can get you off."
BOTS: [you know the music] BWOW-ka-chicka-chicka-BWOW-WOW!
>> Ro laughed, "Right."
>> "Right," Marrissa replied. "After all, you can't be
>> court-martialed in an organization which you were not a part of at the
>> time of the crime."
CROW: But then she'll have to be tried by the Federation as a *civilian*
for attempted theft, sabotage, espionage and terrorism! Great plan,
Marrissa!
TOM: [as Marrissa] Hey, at least the case will be out of *my* hair, then!
As if I really have time to deal with the legal squabblings of mere
mortals!
>> "You're serious aren't you," Ro commented.
>> "My father considered your message to then Commander Riker as a
>> resignation," Marrissa informed. "That takes care of all but the charge
MIKE: ... of being too strong of a female character in a Next Generation
episode.
>> of sabotaging a mission. Unfortunately, that mission was classified,
>> I've got the details due to my
CROW: [as Marrissa] ... godhood.
>> level 15 clearance.
CROW: Whatever.
>> Unfortunately,
>> Captain Sisko, the chair of the court, only has level 10. He can't get
>> to it."
>> "How did you get level 15 clearance?" Ro asked. "That's usually
>> associated with a full Admiral's rank!"
>> "The clearance is
TOM: [as Marrissa] ... yet another mind-bogglingly improbable
contrivance I've encountered on my quest for ultimate power. I've
learned not to question them any more.
>> federation wide clearance," Marrissa stated.
>> "Star Fleet Clearance is a yes or no question.
CROW: [as Ro] Well, okay, that clears things up, I... huh?!?
>> As an officer, I've got
>> Star Fleet clearance. As the next in line to be head of state of a
>> member planet, or heir to Essex, I've got the level 15. It's a weakness
>> of the system."
CROW: And we're supposed to believe that Starfleet Command is too
mind-bogglingly stupid to fix such a gaping hole?
MIKE: Remember, this is Federation security we're talking about.
CROW: Oh. Yeah.
>> "So, Commander, have you done this before?" Ro inquired,
>> smiling.
ALL: [everyone clears throats loudly]
TOM: Shouldn't this have been posted in alt.startrek.creative.erotica?
MIKE: And how do *you* know about *that*?
>> "No, not as defense counsel," Marrissa replied.
TOM: In a *good* story, this would be the defendant's cue to request
new counsel!
>> "Usually I
>> serve on the other side of the gavel."
CROW: She's more used to serving as judge, jury and executioner.
>> "Who else is on the court?" Ro asked.
>> "Lieutenant Julian Bashir and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle,"
>> Marrissa responded.
>>
>> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was talking to her sister, Virginia
>> Szustakowski, the new Chief Engineer of the Stargazer, at Deep Space
>> Nine's Replimat. "You'll enjoy Commander Picard, Gina"
MIKE: Apparently, Gina is a dyed-in-the-wool masochist.
>> Kathy commented.
>> "She hasn't lost that child's sense of fun.
TOM: [sarcastically] How unusual to still have child-like qualities
when you're still a child!
>> One word of warning,
>> though, don't call her, Risa. Ross keeps making that mistake and ending
>> up with strawberry juice all over his uniform and hair."
CROW: Marrissa is *not* a well person.
TOM: Nope.
MIKE: Uh-uh.
>> "Sounds like fun," Virginia replied. "The second on the
>> Fearless was pure terror. You never knew what he was going to complain
>> about next."
MIKE: [as 2nd officer] Virginia Szustakowski? Your name's too long!
TOM: [as Virginia] I mean, really! Just because I blew up the warp
core! *Anyone* could make *that* mistake!
>> As she said this, Gina noticed her youngest sister,
>> Kerstin coming towards them. "Oh, here comes Kerstin the cursed
>> Captain."
>> "Don't let her hear you say that," Kathy said. "She's been
>> known to beat people up for that."
CROW: Stephen Ratliff's not a well person either, is he?
MIKE: Well ... that's kind of harsh. He's unusual, sure, but at least
he's found a harmless way to live out these fantasies of his.
CROW: You call *this* "harmless?"
>> "Someone mention my nickname?" Kerstin stated from behind Kathy.
>> Kathy blushed. "Don't worry, I know it was used in a good way.
TOM: [as Kerstin] So you get to live ... *THIS* time....
>> I'd
>> rather you call me that than having Mom."
>> "How is Mother," Gina asked.
MIKE: [as Gina] I haven't checked on her myself and I'm not really
interested, but as long as we're on the topic you might as well tell
me.
>> "She's been relieved of duty for the next week," Kerstin
>> informed. "Doctor Johnson of the Stargazer wants her to have time to
>> recover.
CROW: And the author wants to keep pre-adolescents in command for a while
longer.
>> She's already tried to have Doctor Bashir overrule him.
>> Apparently Bashir had been informed that she would try."
>> "I told Johnson," Kathy responded. "But don't tell Mom."
CROW: ... the Babysitter's Dead.
TOM: When did this fanfic become a soap opera?
>> "Don't tell me what?" Captain Mary Szustakowski asked,
MIKE: [as Mary] Are you two little ragamuffins conspiring against me
again?
>> approaching with her four remaining daughters.
>> "Mom, you were supposed to be resting in your quarters," Kerstin
>> stated.
>> "I couldn't stand it, so I decided to do a little shopping,"
MIKE: [as Mary] Compulsive shopping helps me to forget the pain of having
my own children show me up in the command chair!!!
>> Mary replied, gesturing to her daughters
TOM: Her nameless, voiceless, automaton daughters....
MIKE: The Throwaway Girls!
>> who where carrying various
>> packages.
TOM: ... silently, not talking or making eye contact with anyone,
including their own sisters.
CROW: Tommy, you're creeping me out here....
>> "Well at least you got someone to carry the packages," Virginia
>> commented.
>> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously.
TOM: [as Katherine] Go back home and sleep it off, Mom!
>> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?"
>> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied.
MIKE: Uh oh, here it comes....
CROW: This is Ratliff's opportunity to *really* peg the dysfunctionality
meter.
>> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys, try the brig," Kathy
>> said.
CROW: Mike, this fixation Ratliff has in all his stories, about young
children having authority over their parents and giving them
orders?
MIKE: Yes?
CROW: It's wrong, isn't it?
MIKE: Deeply and fundamentally, Crow.
CROW: Just checking.
>> "She is not going to get well shopping on DS9. Mom, I haven't
>> seen you this pale since right after you fought that Cardassian in
>> hand-to-hand combat, just four days after you gave birth to Kerstin."
MIKE: Wow. HMO's are *really* strict in the 24th century.
>> "How could you remember that?" Mary asked, palefaced.
>> "I was 12 years old at the time," Katherine responded. "As I
>> recall, you came back missing the upper half of your uniform and with a
>> rather large gash in your side."
TOM: Yuck. I did *not* need that mental image.
>> Captain Mary Szustakowski paled more at the memory as Kerstin
>> spoke up, "Captain Mary Szustakowski, as of this Stardate, you are
>> confined to quarters.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Go to your room, Mom!
TOM: [as announcer] This little playlet has been brought to you by
"Toughlove." It's not just for parents anymore!
>> You will remain there until such a time as you
>> are declared fit by Medical personnel.
TOM: [as Kerstin] And you *stay* there without supper until my sister
and I call you back down!
>> Lieutenants Lochard and
>> Szustakowski, would you see to her confinement? I'm expected in Ops."
MIKE: [as Kerstin] I know you think I'm just being a bitch right now,
Mother, but you'll thank me for this when you're older.
TOM: Yes, here we see the compassionate side of the Kid's Crew's
inherently bossy nature. We hope you folks at home were just as
touched by it as we were.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: Time to go....
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
[Mike and bots get up to leave theater.]
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
MIKE: [as Sisko] And don't step on my blue suede shoes.
CROW: [as Sisko] I'm gonna need all the bloodwine I can get to make it
through *this* story!
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Tom and Crow are leaning over the desk, which is filled with small
plastic model buildings, trees, etc.]
TOM: [to Crow] ... and this jungle area will be the shooting range,
with lots of pop-up cardboard targets.
[Mike walks in.]
MIKE: Guys, have you seen Gypsy? There's an awful racket coming
from the cargo.... [notices the desk] What's all this?
CROW: Well, Mike, we got to thinking, what if Ratliff's vision of
reality is not unique? What if *lots* of boys and girls back
on Earth want to experience the world the way Marrissa Amber
Flores Picard does?
MIKE: Crow, I realize you bots haven't had much chance to witness normal
human childhood, but....
TOM: Oh, give us some credit, Mike. We know that Ratliff's characters
are pure fiction. Otherwise, the Earth would have become a
smoking ruin years ago.
[Mike leans over the desk and starts examining the models carefully.]
TOM: But it also stands to reason that millions of children might want
to taste the power, the bloodthirst, the megalomania that *is*
Marrissa Picard, even if only for a short while. So we thought, why
not cash in on it?
CROW: Sooooo... welcome to our new theme park: Marrissa-Land!
[Mike yelps and leaps backward from the desk.]
CROW: Yes, Marrissa-Land, where parents are required to obey their
children at all times!
TOM: Park employees will also have to be obedient. Penalties for
failing to follow the orders of a young patron will range from
public humiliation to immediate dismissal.
MIKE: Hmm ... I suppose workers could also stage fake disputes with each
other and let the children negotiate binding settlements through
food and sleep deprivation and threats of physical violence....
CROW: *Now* you're getting into it, Mike! [Crow points to one corner of
the desk] Now over here we've got the obstacle course, where
children can drive real cars through hostile territory!
TOM: And over here is the gymnasium, where highly trained martial
artists will pretend to allow young patrons to beat them up
in cunningly convincing matches!
MAGIC VOICE: And all the equipment will be run by computers with voice-
recognition software, with override access codes given to
the children.
TOM: Nice touch, Magic Voice. And here we have the space-battle
simulators, where kids can rack up their *own* Kobayashi Maru
times!
MIKE: You know, I've always wondered about that. Where did Ratliff
ever get the idea that a psychological test designed to gauge an
officer's reaction to a no-win, certain-death situation was
*really* a battle simulation that measured how long you could
survive?
CROW: Mike, this is Ratliff you're talking about! Now get with the
program, you're slowing us down here!
MIKE: Well ... you should have a big stage where kids can stand and
introduce themselves and brag about all of their achievements,
listing them over and over, while reporters crowd around asking
sycophantic questions.
TOM: Oooh, nice one.
[A few bars of pretentious John-Williams-esque music fill the SOL.]
TOM: Right, Cambot! The park needs Marrissa's theme music blaring from
all the speakers.
CROW: And a theatre where Marrissa stories are staged several times a
day.
[Mike, Tom and Crow all shudder at this thought. Then Mike picks up one
of the plastic model buildings for a closer look.]
MIKE: What's this at the edge of the park? "State Penitentiary"?
Guys, there's a problem here. Nobody's going to bring their
kids to a park built right next to a high-security prison!
TOM: Mike, relax, it's not a *real* prison! Tell me, where would
Marrissa Picard be without an endless supply of evil-but-stupid
villains to defeat?
MIKE: [thinks for a moment] Well, I guess she'd be stuck at a
no-name boarding school hanging out with her sorority
sisters, picking on the less popular girls, and wondering why
none of the rich jock guys will date her more than twice.
CROW: Exactly! That's why the prison is there ... to give the Marrissa
wanna-be's a chance to do battle against amazingly clueless bad
guys!
TOM: You see, every afternoon the "inmates" --- in reality *highly*
paid employees --- will stage a break-out and take over the
park. Park employees will be powerless to stop them. The
children will rally together and, using equipment on hand
in wacky "Home Alone" fashion, capture all the inmates and send
them back to jail!
MIKE: Wow. That *is* clever! I hope you have good health insurance
lined up....
CROW: Oh, and all the food served in the park will be strawberry
something-or-other. Strawberry malts....
TOM: Strawberry cheesecake....
[Mads light starts flashing. Mike taps it.]
MIKE: Strawberry pancakes....
CROW: Strawberry-glazed hamburgers....
MIKE & TOM: Eeewwwwwww!
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester is standing there with a notepad and pen. He scribbles
notes on his pad, and suddenly looks up at the camera.]
Dr.F: Oh, please, don't let me interrupt! Keep going!
[SOL]
MIKE: You're not taking this seriously, are you, sir?
[Deep 13]
[Pearl Forrester walks up beside Clayton. She is holding a brief case
and is dressed in the ultimate business-woman's outfit.]
Dr.F: Oh, but we are! The potential for evil here is *stunning*!
Ma F: A few phone calls to my connections in the Disney Corporation legal
and accounting departments, and Marrissa-Land will start
construction within the year!
[SOL]
MIKE: You don't *really* think Disney would go for this, do you?
[Deep 13]
Ma F: Oh, how naive they are, Clayton, how innocent about corporate
culture, media hype, and evil on a grand scale!
Dr.F: I thought they would have learned by now. [leers into monitor]
Maybe you need a few more lessons, hmmm? Here comes one now!
[Dr. F. presses the button.]
Ma F: Clayton, get the rolodex out of my briefcase! We've got some phone
calls to make!
[Clayton opens the briefcase, while Pearl picks up a phone and starts
dialing. Both are laughing.]
[SOL]
[Flashing lights, buzzers, pandemonium, etc.]
MIKE: FANFIC SIGN!
[commercials]
===========================================