MiSTed: Stabilizing the Earth's Weather By Destroying the Moon
Roland Warner
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Not my best, but I kinda like it. Be prepared for "Stabilizing the
Earth's Weather, by Destroying the Moon"! With special guest star,
Alexander Abian!
Roland
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<In the not too distant future . . .>
<SOL>
[Two tents are on opposite sides of the table. A campfire is in the middle. Crow and Tom are sitting around the campfire, toasting marshmallows. Enter Mike.]
Mike: Hey gu . . . What're you two doing?
Crow: Oh, hey Mike! We're having our own camping trip. Pearl and her gang aren't the only people who can go camping.
Tom: Yeah, join in the fun, Mike!
Mike: Sorry, guys, I'm kinda busy right now.
Crow: With what?
Mike: Oh, I'm missing my clothes. Someone's stolen them, and I intend to find out who did it.
Tom: Clothes?
Mike: Yeah, I had set them out, ready to have Gypsy wash them, then they disappeared.
Crow: Servo, shhh.
Mike: What's the matter guys?
Tom: Oh, nothing. Good luck, Mike!
Mike: Something's wrong, isn't there?
[Commercial sign flashes]
Mike: We'll be right back.
[He reaches over to hit the button, but ends up catching his sleeve on fire.]
Mike: Ahhhhh!
Crow: Servo, grab that shirt there!
Tom: My arms won't work!
Crow: I can't do anything!
Mike: Gypsy!
[Sprinklers cut on and extinguish Mike and the campfire.]
[Mike hits the button]
Mike: Hey, this campfire looks familiar.
<Commercials>
Announcer: Now available, Subliminal Advertising [Drink Coke] Psychic Networks! [We know where you live] 1-900-Call-Now. Free advertising [Must See TV] for your business by placing [Pay your taxes] subliminal advertisements in our [Go clean your house] faux Psychic phoneline. [You are getting sleepy] 2.99 per minute, void in Zaire and Antarctica. [Call now]
<SOL>
[Mike is sobbing over the campfire, his sleeve is charred.]
Mike: My Planet Hollywood shirt! All my clothes, burned!
Tom: This is all your fault, Crow.
Crow: You were the one who said we should use the pile as firewood.
Tom: Yeah, but you were the one who started the fire.
[Red Light flashes]
Mike: *sniff* The Chimp, the Brain, and the Witch are calling. [Hits the button]
<Volkswagon of Doom>
Pearl: Well, Nelster, we searched the 'net this time to top all postings you've seen, and then, Brain Guy came across one with an reference to an old friend of yours, Alexander Abian!
<SOL>
All: NO!
<VOD>
Pearl: Yeah, I dunno what I'd do without this guy with me.
[Pearl pats Observer's brain.]
Observer: [Winces in pain] Ohhhh.
Bobo: What about me, Lawgiver?
Pearl: Shut up, Bobo! Anyways, Nelster, prepare for "Stabilizing our Weather by Destroying the Moon"
<SOl>
[Lights flash, chaos ensues]
All: AHHHHH! We've got MOVIE SIGN!!
Mike: My Air Jordans!
<6...5...4...3...2...1...*>
[Mike and bots enter theater]
> (word processor parameters LM=8, RM=75, TM=2, BM=2)
> Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
Mike: BBS, now there's something you don't hear from very often.
> Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
Tom: And viewers like you.
> PO BOX 1031
> Mesquite, TX 75150
>
> May 4, 1991
>
> LUNACY1.ASC
Crow: Uh-oh, brace youselves, guys.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> From the April 23rd, 1991 SUN tabloid
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: The Sun, where truth has no meaning.
> Stabilizing our Weather by Destroying the Moon
Tom: And spreading green cheese everywhere?
>
> A University professor has a moonstruck solution to the Earth's
> weather problems.
Crow: He wants to rig the weather channel to predict the kind of weather he wants.
> He wants to blow up the moon - or at least send
> it somewhere else.
Tom: And, Mike, tell the moon what it's won!
Mike: It's won an all expense paid trip to the Andromeda galexy!
>
> "It's the only way to rid the world of scorching deserts and artic
> winters," says Professor Alexander Abian,
Crow: AND YOU BELIEVE HIM????
> a mathematician at the
> University of Iowa. He claims that by getting rid of the moon, the
> Earth will then be able to shift into a "more desirable orbit."
Tom: So, what, the moon's dead weight?
>
> The suggestion which has been greeted with hoots and hollers from
> the world's scientific community, has been presented by the 65-year
> old Armenian-born expert to the American government.
Mike: Unfortunately, the hoots and hollers turned out to be laughter coming from the Congressional floor.
>
> Abian suggests strategically placed hydrogen bombs on the Earth's
> satellite can either blow it apart, or send it careening into outer
> space, maybe even into the sun.
Crow: Hey, why not give the sun a moon!
> It all depends where you put the
> charges, he says.
Crow: Just be sure not to put the charges in a certain spot, if ya know what I mean.
Mike: That's hitting a little below the belt, Crow.
>
> "We've been held hostage by the moon for 5 million years, and we've
> been subjected to violent extremes in weather, not to mention that
> the planet is slowly becoming a desert.
Tom: It's still waiting for a call from the government for ransom.
>
> "It's time for a change." The change would make our weather less
> extreme, turn our deserts into fertile farm land, and make the north
> and south polar regions livable.
Mike: Let's move all the polar bears out of their home, flood the oceans, kill the desert creatures, and move to Antarctica.
>
> But other scientists disagree, suggesting the professor might be
> moonstruck.
All: Wah, wah, wah, waaaaah.
> "If you lose the moon, you LOSE THE TIDES. And if you
> melt the polar caps, you're going to flood the seacosts of every
> continent," one scientist explains.
>
> Another climate expert says blowing up the moon would turn Earth
> into "a bleak, seasonless planet, not to mention the fact that we
> would lose the tides."
Tom: Um, we're repeating ourselves!
>
> British astronomer Patrick Moore suggests Professor Abian "must be
> as nutty as several fruitcakes."
Crow: He must've stored them up for several Christmases.
>
> Famed romance writer Barbara Cartland offers the best argument
> against Abian's plan. Without moonlight, she says, love would flee
> the Earth. "People long for romance and no professor should be
> allowed to rob them of it," she says.
Mike: So, without the moon, no one could love?
>
> Page 1
>
>
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Vangard notes...
Tom: That without the moon, the werewolf wouldn't know when to come out!
>
> Just for speculation......
Crow: . . . Am I wearing pants?
>
> What a bizarre theory!
Mike: How bizarre.
> Since the moon causes the tides and
> plays a definite part in helping to keep the Earth in its
> elliptical orbit around our Sun, the removal of the moon, by
> whatever means, would lead to a radical stabilization of our
> orbit, into the most stable natural form, that of the circle.
Tom: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE SUBSTANTIATE THIS STATEMENT????
>
> Now without the change in distance from the current elliptical
> orbit of Earth around the Sun, we would NOT experience the
> heating and cooling cycles which result in summer, fall, winter
> and spring.
Crow: How does the moon play into this?
>
> In addition, the lack of tides would greatly change the
> characteristics of large bodies of water such as our oceans.
Mike: Change in characteristics = No more tides.
>
> The most scary thing about such a proposal is that we do not
> know just how far the Earth would naturally locate itself from
> the Sun.
Tom: How would blow up the moon cause the earth to change locations?
> This would determine what the climate would be like
> everyday from the point of stabilization on.
>
> Too close and we would experience perpetual summer, too far and
> we could experience another ice age. How would we CONTROL it
> to arrive at the most desirable location.
Crow: Isn't it just fine where it is?
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> If you have comments or other information relating to such topics
> as this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or
Mike: Please tell someone who cares.
> send to the
> Vangard Sciences address as listed on the first page.
> Thank you for your consideration, interest and support.
>
> Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
> Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> If we can be of service, you may contact
> Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 242-9346
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
<Mike and bots exit theater>
<*...1...2...3...4...5...6>
<SOL>
[Crow and Tom are standing around the campfire again, Mike's clothes blazing away.]
Crow: Hey Tom, I betcha I can fling my Marshmallow further than yours.
Tom: You're on!
[Crow steps back, off screen, and a marshmallow flies across the screen.]
Mike: [Off-Stage] Ow!
[Enter Mike]
Mike: Oh god, no, you two are still burning my clothes?
Tom: Yeah Mike, did you know that your underwear makes the perfect kindling?
Mike: NOT MY UNDERWEAR!!!
Tom: Yep, all 20 pairs of them.
[Red Light flashes]
Mike: *sigh* yes, Mrs. Forrester?
[Moon]
Pearl: Well, Mike, here we are, on the moon. Brain Guy had to refill on these pills he keeps eating.
[Enter Ugly T-shaped Alien]
Alien: Gurlge!
Pearl: Ick! Get away from me!
Bobo: Oh no! It's an alien! Ahhhh!
[Pearl hides behind Bobo]
Bobo: Um, I'll defend you, Lawgiver! Watch out, Alien, I am Bobo, son of Koko!
[Alien eats Bobo]
Bobo: [From inside Alien] Hmm, now, let's see here, "I am Bobo, son of Koko, Eaten by Jojo!" There we go, now I gotta new line.
Pearl: Brain Guy, get over here!
Observer: In a minute!
Pearl: Listen here, Alien . . .
Bobo: Lawgiver, the alien's name is Jojo.
Pearl: Jojo, whatever, if you don't release Bobo right now, I'll . . . um . . . do something terrible.
[Alien spits out Bobo]
Bobo: Thanks, Lawgiver!
Pearl: Now, let's all get back to the Van, nice and quickly!
[Pearl rushes off-stage with Bobo and Jojo, just as the moon blows up.]
-----
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved.
-----
> British astronomer Patrick Moore suggests Professor Abian "must be
> as nutty as several fruitcakes."
--------------3BD22EEC4C75--
Ryan Thomas Jackson
In article <33B7E4...@geocities.com>, tom_...@geocities.com says...
>>
>>
>> Famed romance writer Barbara Cartland offers the best argument
>> against Abian's plan. Without moonlight, she says, love would flee
>> the Earth. "People long for romance and no professor should be
>> allowed to rob them of it," she says.
>
>Mike: So, without the moon, no one could love?
Let's get cracking, then! Romance, and all of its consequences are
responsible for close to 90% of the worlds problems...I can just imagine
it...a romantic honeymoon on the French coast; a couple goes out on the
porch for a glass of wine under the night sky. THey sit next to each other,
and they look for that perpetual beacon of romantic and poetic inspiration,
Luna...but, there's nothing there! Just a COLD, BLACK VOID! The mood is
ruined! Next stop: Pedro's Divorce Palace outside of Guadalajara! By god,
I MUST form a lobby for this!
--
"Oh, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind
you that the good guys always win, even in the
eighties...."--Megaforce
***Ryan Thomas Jackson (rjac...@southwind.net)***