MiSTed: Stolen Memories (18/29)
Rottweiler
Part 6 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
TOM: I still say Red is Bill Buckley.
(MIKE and CROW sigh)
> Article 144 of 418
>
> Subject: NEW - Stolen Memories 6/9 (pre-DS9)
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/09
> Message-Id: <5b1dpc$o...@the-fly.zip.com.au>
TOM: But what about the Message-Ego and the Message-Superego?
> Organization: The Zipsters
MIKE: (Rob Schneider) The Zipsters! The Ziparoonis! Ye Olde Royale
Queen's
Zip Brigade! Makin' Copies!
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: You know we love you, but if you do that again, we WILL be forced
to
hurt you.
MIKE: Okay.
CROW: Nothing personal, you understand.
MIKE: Sure.
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> ========================================================
>
> Stolen Memories :
TOM: (singing) Stolen memories light the corners of my mind...
> Part Six
>
> Julian ran,
MIKE: _Chariots of Fire_, the one-man show.
> as if all the hounds of hell were on his
> trail,
TOM: (singing) Run Eliza! Run from Simon!
> there was nothing on his mind, bar
CROW: (Barbara Bush) George! That's a horrible thing to say about young
Danny.
> - escape, and the
> directions he'd been given by Alistair.
MIKE: (Julian) Buy a loaf of bread, pick up the dry cleaning...
> He ran through the
> wilderness until he dropped from sheer exhaustion to sleep,
TOM: He ran through the briars.
CROW: He ran through the brambles.
MIKE: He even ran through the bushes where a cat girl wouldn't go.
> curled up on a bed of leaves under a tree.
TOM: George Washington was chopping down the tree and it fell on Julian.
The end.
> His sleep was
> mercifully deep and
> dreamless.
CROW: The lack of REM sleep ultimately made him the nutcase he is today.
> ****************************************
MIKE: Asterisk-y Business.
> Alis moved through the wilderness,
TOM: (Alis) Hi, Little Red Riding Hood.
> dressed in leather
> and armour,
MIKE: I dub thee Dame Dominatrix.
> there was a cross bow in her hands and a giver
> full of hard unbreakable (whatever) bolts strapped around
> her waist and thigh, in hands reach.
CROW: Ah yes, there's nothing quite as deadly as a whatever bolt.
TOM: It was really nice of Alis to replace her QUIVER with a charity
worker. But won't a govvie slow her down?
> Across her back a
> small pack was slung, containing all the equipment one was
> permitted to carry on ones Life test.
MIKE: Included in your survival kit are...
> For the most part it
> contained basic medical supplies,
CROW: Perfume, lip gloss, eye shadow...
> like bandages, anti-
> biotics, anti-toxins, anti-venom
TOM: Antichrist...
MIKE: Antimatter...
CROW: Antidisestablishmentarianism...
> and disinfectant for the
> treatment of minor wounds, bug and slither bites.
TOM: Slither bites?
MIKE: Yeah, they're almost as bad as crawl nibbles.
> There were
> also packets of spices
CROW: Spice Girls on the internet?
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
> and vitamins that she needed in her
TOM: Quest to be a Flintstones Kid.
> diet to make up for what nature on her world could not
> provide, that her dual heritage had given her a need for.
MIKE: Paprika?
> The test was simple,
CROW: She hated herself for blowing so much money on that rip-off
"preparation" class.
> she had to hike through the
> wilderness to reach the First mother's temple, to seek her
> blessing and then return to civilisation
TOM: It was difficult for her to return after she'd spent all those
hours
playing the game, only to have the Sioux conquer her three turns
before her spaceship got to Alpha Centauri.
> - all without the
> aide of others.
MIKE: But she had to do all this while walking on her hands, which made
it
a teensy bit more difficult.
> Only a cross bow and armour were permitted
> for defence against the dangers the wilderness provided and
> there were a multitude of dangers to face.
CROW: Like any regular family camping trip.
> The wilderness itself with poisonous plants, pits and
> roots to trip up and break a leg by.
MIKE: But isn't breaking a leg a good thing?
TOM: That's just in the theater.
MIKE: We ARE in the theater.
> Bugs, small
CROW: (tiny voice) what's up, doc?
> and large
CROW: WHAT'S UP, DOC?!?
> with a poisonous bite that flourished in the wilderness.
MIKE: In the city, the poison was ineffectual.
> Slithers - reptilian creatures which may or may not have
> possessed appendages for walking and crawling and mainly
> slithered along the ground, vines and branches found in the
> area, or in the water of the river - waiting for the unwary
> or foolish to come within striking distance to strike and
> bite bringing sickness then death.
(ALL gasp for breath)
CROW: Phew! Was that a sentence or an elaborate Rube Goldberg
invention?
TOM: I think that might be the perfect title for a horror movie. I
mean,
can you imagine going up to a ticket booth and saying, "I'd like
one
for _Slithers: Reptilian Creatures Which May Or May Not Have
Possesed
Appendages For Walking and Crawling and Mainly Slithered Along the
Ground, Vines and Branches Found in the Area or in the Water of the
River, Waiting for the Unwary or Foolish to Come Within Striking
Distance to Strike and Bite Bringing Sickness Then Death_ please."?
MIKE: You're right. That IS the perfect title! I mean, it puts _The
Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-Up
Zombies_ to shame.
CROW: I'd also like to point out how ridiculous it is for the Felistians
to
not know if slithers have legs or not.
MIKE: I guess the authors couldn't decide if they wanted to make a
Biblical
allusion or not.
> Those intelligent enough to put pride aside packed
> anti- venom
TOM: You mean Spiderman?
> to deal with such creatures rather than take
> the risk that
CROW: The creatures would be out of town that day.
> they were not clever enough to see and avoid
> the bite of such poisonous vermin.
> There were other dangers to face in the wilderness,
(MIKE hums the theme to Deliverance)
> some roamed on four legs, others' two.
CROW: Then on three.
> A young kits worst
> enemies during her life test could be her mothers' foes who
> had passed their life tests, and knew the dangers to be
> faced and risked them - to hunt a kit down and kill her to
> deprive her mother of a potential heir.
TOM: (Alis) Why couldn't I have been born a hani?
> But by far the worst danger came from the Wilderbeast
> that hunted in the wilderness.
MIKE: (Wilderbeast) I have so much time and so little to hunt. Wait a
minute! Strike that. Reverse it.
> With its armoured hide and
> long razor sharp claws and fangs
CROW: Beware the Jabberwock, my son...
> that could tear a kit apart
> even one which was armoured,
TOM: From the makers of the Ginsu knife, it's the wilderbeast!
> unless one was willing to
> exchange freedom of movement, to leap and run, to wear total
> body armour from head to foot.
MIKE: I hear that's the dress code at most inner-city high schools now.
> Even such precautions were
> insufficient to survive a Wilderbeast attack,
CROW: Unless, of course, you happen to be riding a Blazing Saddle.
> with their
> strength, they could break a spine, neck or skull by leaping
> on unsuspecting prey or with a swipe of their paw.
MIKE: The Felistians sure make finding God difficult.
CROW: You know, most cultures intend for children to SURVIVE their
coming
of age rituals.
> Alis remembered her mother telling her a kits best
> defence against a Wilderbeast was her ability to out run,
> out leap and out climb a Wilderbeast.
MIKE: And if that didn't work, to have sex with it.
> That every piece of
> armour one wore restricted such efforts to escape a
> Wilderbeast, and slowed a kit down to the point where a
> Wilderbeast could catch her.
TOM: A turkey dinner will do the same thing.
> Thus warned, Alis had restricted her armour to her
> torso, forearms, calves and hands in the form of gauntlets,
> for protection such as it was from the bite of ground or
> branch bound slithers
CROW: Slithers, who is that man?
TOM: It's Homer Simpson, sir.
> she might encounter while moving
> through the wilderness.
MIKE: She also had to look for the "weightless" armor and the 51 star
crystals.
>
> ***************************************************
MIKE: Oops, too late. We found them first.
> Julian woke to the sound of something large and
> predatory moving through the area,
MIKE: Rosie O'Donnell was looking for a snack.
> heading his way,
> scrambling to his feet he saw it, something massive covered
> in armour plate and spikes with lethal looking claws and
> fangs.
CROW: It's a Predator crossover!
> Though he didn't know it he had become the prey of a
> Wilderbeast, it roared hoping to
> engender fear paralysis in its prey.
TOM: It evolved to fill the niche of "eater of things too stupid to run
away from predators".
MIKE: From a Darwinian perspective, it provides a valuable service.
> Julian though wasn't so obliging,
CROW: He made the Wilderbeast sleep on the couch.
> he ran as fast as his
> long gangly legs could carry him.
TOM: Julian Bashir IS Steve Prefontaine!
> The Wilderbeast pursued
> him.
MIKE: In the proud tradition of _Tom & Jerry_, it's _Wilderbeast &
Julian_!
> Over ground that was padded by the constant fall of
> leafy debris from the trees above, Julian bolted. Over the
> remains of trees felled in raging storms he leaped. Trough
> impenetrable sections of wilderness he clambered.
CROW: (Julian) Whose woods these are I have no clue.
> Up and
> through trees
TOM: (Julian) Ow! Go THROUGH a tree? What was I thinking?
> with branches thicker than a starship's
> corridor, with vines thicker than his person,
MIKE: That's a horrible thing to say about Alis.
> he swung
> through the trees
CROW: Pursued by Tarzan.
> where the branches had failed to
> intertwine giving him a path to follow.
>
> Amongst the tree's he found new dangers.
MIKE: Ewok villages.
> Snakes and
> lizards
TOM: (singing) I don't like lizards 'n' snakes
And that ain't what it takes ta love me...
> that hissed and struck in his direction, jumping
> away from one such creature had lead to a tumble to the
> ground to fall among the soft carpet of leaves.
CROW: Even worse, the carpet lacked any sort of Stainguard protection!
> Stunned and
> dazed he lay sprawled on the ground, as the Wilderbeast
> followed his scent and listened to his passage through the
> trees.
MIKE: (Julian) Maybe it'll mistake me for a big leaf.
TOM: But he wasn't passing through the trees. He was lying on the
ground.
> Hearing it approach once again - Julian scrambled up,
> for a moment, he considered
CROW: Dyeing his hair purple, but there'd be time for that later.
> climbing a tree to once again
> escape the beast high in the tree's where it could
> obviously not follow.
MIKE: Hey, man, that's species-ism! Don't underestimate the Wilderbeast
like that. If it puts its mind to it, a Wilderbeast can do
anything
it wants.
TOM: (singing) I am wilderbeast hear me roar,
In numbers too big to ignore...
> His plan died an early death,
CROW: Sadly, the rest of him didn't.
> when he
> saw the snake that had contributed to his fall
MIKE: If either of you guys makes an Adam and Eve joke, so help me
I'll...
> winding its
> way down a vine, slithering toward him.
TOM: (snake) Ssssss... Hi, I'm Quetzalcoatl. I'd like to teach you
agriculture and the calendar. Sssssss...
> Julian bolted.
CROW: He's been doing that a lot lately.
> No matter how fast he ran,
MIKE: Jack-Ching-Badda-Bing was always faster.
> the steps he took to escape
> it, it always found him and the hunt would begin anew.
TOM: (singing) Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be
watching
you...
> It
> was the hunter and he was the hunted.
CROW: I thought Fred Dryer was Hunter.
> **************************************************
MIKE: Tiny spider invasion.
> Alis woke from her bed of leaves with the roar of a
> Wilderbeast in the distance in her ears.
TOM: If there's one thing wilderbeasts are good at, it's wake-up calls.
CROW: Wait, "in the distance in her ears"? Who is she, Ross Perot?
> She bolted up,
MIKE: Now SHE'S bolting.
TOM: It must be some kind of new fad with the young people.
> head
> cocked, listening carefully, to judge its direction and
> distance from her.
CROW: (Tonto) Beast go that way, Kimosabe.
MIKE: Hey! It's our friend, Indian Companion! What is it?
CROW: Someone coming.
TOM: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Indian Companion.
> The roars faded in the distance and she relaxed, it was
> moving away from her, hunting something else.
MIKE: Jim Fowler.
> She looked around, and saw breakfast, slithering along
> a tree branch above her.
CROW: That is one crafty Egg McMuffin.
> Snatching up her bow she sent a
> bolt it's way and smiled when her bolt found her prey
> pinning it to the branch to thrash in its death throes.
CROW: And another Egg McMuffin dies a senseless death.
TOM: (Alis) Heh, that was fun. Now for that patch of raspberries I
noticed
for breakfast.
> Around her branches rustled as small creatures,
> slithers and birds departed the area post haste to avoid
> joining the slither on the breakfast menu.
ALL: (cutesy animal voices) Run away, run away!
> Alis spun snatching up a new bolt, loading her bow as
> she heard something large moving behind her. She caught a
> flash of amber
MIKE: Waves of grain!
> fur and then fired off the new bolt, and was
> rewarded by the squeal and thrashing of animal in its death
> throes.
CROW: I bet Oliver Queen was her archery instructor.
> Reloading her bow, she hung it from the lip
TOM: Call me conservative, but I think body piercing has gone too far.
> on her belt
> and moved around her campsite, collecting twigs and dry
> leaves to build a fire.
MIKE: Meanwhile, Julian is trying to convince some woodchucks to let him
crash at their place for a while.
> The Wilderbeast was forgotten,
CROW: It hadn't had a hit single since the Seventies.
> the
> only thing on her mind was enjoying the meal to come and
> collecting the skin and hides of the creatures she was
> about to consume.
TOM: Consume mass quantities!
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are gathered in front of the Hexfield
Viewscreen.]
MIKE: (to CAMBOT) Oh, hi everybody. We seem to be getting a call on the
Hexfield. Let's see who it is.
TOM: Five bucks says it's Tony Orlando.
CROW: No way. It's gotta be Jean Kirkpatrick.
MIKE: You're both wrong. It's definitely Howard Cosell.
(The viewscreen opens, and it's ALIS, from the story. MIKE and the BOTS
moan with disappointment. ALIS is in the wilderness, looking a bit
disheveled and looking at a map.]
ALIS: Hello? Hello? Can you read me?
MIKE: We read you loud and clear. (to himself) I've always WANTED to
say
that.
ALIS: Oh good. I was wondering if you guys could give me directions to
the
temple. I seem to have gotten lost, and this map from Triple A is
hopeless.
CROW: Are you sure we should be helping you? I mean, this is your Life
Test and all. Won't the Matriarch take away your kitty litter or
something?
ALIS: What that old bag doesn't know won't hurt her. So do you know the
way to the temple or not? I haven't got all day.
TOM: Oh sure, I know how to get to the temple.
ALIS: You do? Great! Where is it?
TOM: Well, you just follow the trail of Meow Mix to the Scratching Post
and
hang a sharp left. When you come to the big canyon, just jump
right
in. Don't worry, you'll land on your feet. Then, go east until
you
start to gag on the stench of catbox odor. That's when you'll know
the First Mother's Temple is nearby. If you see a couch with
scratch-marks on it, you've gone too far.
(TOM has been chuckling throughout this speech, but ALIS does not look
the
least bit amused)
ALIS: Well, well, well, you're a regular Bob Hope, aren't you?
TOM: Actually, I consider myself more of a Buddy Hackett.
ALIS: Just keep laughing it up, funnyboy. (menacing) I'm gonna finish
this
Life Test without your help, and then, someday when you LEAST
expect
it, I'm gonna find you and make you regret the day you were
ASSEMBLED! Consider yourself warned!
(The Hexfield Viewscreen closes)
TOM: Phew! Talk about a poor sense of humor. She must've just gotten
back
from a trip to the vet.
CROW: She sounded serious, Tom. Aren't you a little worried?
TOM: What, me worry? Heck no.
MIKE: I assume you have a plan, then.
TOM: Of course I do. If that fleabag ever shows up here, we'll just try
to
give her a bath. Every cat runs away when you try to bathe it.
(MIKE and CROW nod in agreement at Tom's plan)
CROW: That's so crazy, it just might work.
MIKE: You've got to admit, it makes sense.
(The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it)
[Planet Bumper]