MiSTed(StH)- Blue Steel: A Visit From Metal Sonic
Currie1501
Er, sorry for the delay, and the general disappearance, and the thousands of
attractive women who miss my witty comments. It's just that, with the impending
holiday vacation and all, I sank into a general state of apathy. Plus I thought
I was Dale, so I kept washing my hands incessantly for Ivory soap and eating
Grape Nuts waiting for an imagined boyfriends. But I managed to print this out
and bring it to school to show my MiSTie friends, who said the enjoyed it, and
I promptly lost it. And now that I've wandered off-topic for the greater part
of the post, I present to you "Blue Steel: A Visit From Metal Sonic", and he
ain't no Girl Scout. Which is unfortunate, because I could really use some Thin
Mints about now.
________________________________-*-____________________________________
(9th season opening [I've got to change with the times])
(SoL. Tom is dressed up like a Norman knight, with a peaked iron cap and chain
mail covering his body. Crow has a king's robe and a jeweled crown.)
CROW: I never thought this reenactor stuff was so cool!
TOM: Yeah, I always wanted to see what happened at the battle of Hastings.
CROW: Besides, we get to act like Frenchmen! <French accent> Prepare to die,
English showering pig-dogs!
TOM(same): Fools! What kind of backward culture encourages women to shave
their armpits?
(The bots laugh for a while until Mike appears wielding a sword and wearing a
silly Viking hat. And nothing else. Of course, you can't see anything,
because you can only see from the waist up, but still, there are a lot of women
who just passed out right now.)
MIKE: Prepare to feel the wrath of my-
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MIKE(continuing): -broadsword, Norman-
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MIKE(continuing): -dickweeds! Run now, silly French wussbuckets, or-
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MIKE(continuing): -I shall smite-
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MIKE: All right, cut that out. What's the big deal?
CROW(with his head turned away): You're *nude*!
TOM(same): And you're covered in greasy stuff!
MIKE: Oh yeah. It's a popular battle tactic.
CROW: What, streaking?
MIKE: No, this is so there's nothing hanging loose for an enemy soldier to grab
onto. Well... I hope they don't try to grab onto me.
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MIKE: C'mon guys, it's just a Saxon thing!
CROW: It's just the mental image that that gives us!
TOM: Hundreds of pasty white guys charging into battle in the buff!
MIKE: With shetland ponies.
PONY(o.s): <whinnies><snorts>
TOM: You can't ride a horse nude!
MIKE: <winces> Now you tell me. <to camera> We'll be right back folks.
(Join Scientology today. We're having a clearance sale on religious
enlightenment!)
(SoL. Mike is fully clothed again, but is defending himself from a
rifle-wielding Crow.)
CROW: C'mon, Mike! Bayonet charges became suicidal during World War I! You've
got the machine gun, you have an infinitely better chance of survival!
MIKE: Yeah, but it's my imaginary gun versus your real bayonet!
CROW: I'll pretend I'm dead! Trust me! By the way, are you bequeathing your CD
player to me when I die?
(Tom enters in a Red Baron costume, complete with scarf and pizza endorsement.)
TOM: Look on the bright side, Mike, if you're suffering the horrible pain of a
bayonet wound, maybe whatever religiously installed morals will cause Pearl to
take pity and not send a fanfic. Of course, if your theory about her being a
Satanist is true, she might just send a goat along with us.
(Crow lunges at Mike, who sidesteps at the last moment. Crow crashes to the
ground.)
(Space Van)
PEARL: Actually guys, I consider myself a reform atheist. I don't believe in
God, but whenever I'm in trouble, I can pray up a storm. <blue lights flash
behind her> Speaking of which... <kneels in prayer, driving with forehead>
(Ext. Space Van. A really cool-looking starfighter pulls up beside them,
breaking a rear-view mirror with a Little Doctor projector.)
(Space Van. The side door pulls open slowly with an ominous hiss. Pearl is
still bowed in prayer.)
PEARL:<mutter mutter mutter> Amen. <looks up> Hello, officer.
STAR COP(in reverberating Darth-Vaderish voice, and o.s): GOOD EVENING MA'AM.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?
PEARL: Oh, did I press the accelerator too hard again? Oh, me. I'm such a klutz
with cars, being the elderly mother of the Star Cop Chief of Police of whatever
precinct this is and all. I was also in a hurry to get to the nunnery-
OBSERVER(whispering from under seat): Orphanage! Use orphans!
PEARL: -the nunnery that's filled with sick orphans that need all the food and
medicine that I've got stashed in the trunk.
STAR COP: OUR SENSORS DETECTED NO MEDICINE, BUT ONLY A LARGE LOAD OF
UNREGISTERED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.
BOBO(whispering from under the seat): Doh! My black-market Samoas!
OBSERVER(same): Hush! And stay on your side of the under-the-seat place!
BOBO: One of those Rand McNally Star Charts is poking me in the back there!
OBSERVER: Well, move over near the air vent so your noxious odors will flow out
that way!
BOBO: Oh, it's insults, is it? Well, what if I poke your brain with this moldy
old french fry?
PEARL: <through gritted teeth> Cool it guys.
STAR COP: ARE YOU CARRYING OTHERS, MA'AM?
BOBO & OBSERVER: No!
PEARL: Er... engine trouble. I really have to get this clunker fixed.
STAR COP: IT'S INTERESTING, MA'AM, HOW YOUR ENGINE SOUNDS SO UGLY AND STUPID
AND SMELLY.
BOBO(getting out): Now wait a- Doh. I'm really not very experienced in this
fugitive business.
STAR COP: BOBO, SON OF DODO, HEIR TO THE LINEAGE OF THOSE OTHER GUYS-
BOBO: -Godo, Jojo, and Chim-Chim!
STAR COP: WHATEVER. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR TEMPORAL DISTURBANCE 1803-D:
TRESPASSING ON ANCIENT ROME AND GIVING THAT TIME PERIOD AN EPIDEMIC OF FLEAS
THAT EARTH WOULD NORMALLY NEVER HAVE EXPERIENCED.
BOBO: What if I resist arrest?
STAR COP: SEE THAT PLANET OVER THERE?
BOBO(squinting out Pearl's window): Yes...
(The regular "planet destruction" FX: lights and explosion. Bobo makes a
horrified monkey sound, which you will just have to imagine for yourselves.)
STAR COP: SEE THOSE TINY BITS OF MOLTEN ROCK OVER THERE?
BOBO: Okay then. <to Pearl and Observer> Guys... I probably won't be around for
the next few millennia.
PEARL & OBSERVER: Sure.
BOBO: Uh... hold all my calls.
PEARL: Your fanfic today is of the unholy realm of Sonic the Hedgehog fics.
"Blue Steel: A Visit from Metal Sonic" should put you in a nice state of
horrified shock. Several kitchen knives and a pamphlet named
"Hara-Kiri/Seppuku: Disemboweling Your Organs For Fun, Profit, And Preservation
Of Honor" are under the table.
(SoL. Mike is holding the pamphlet and a sharpened cleaver.)
CROW: And dreaming?
MIKE: Hush. This is interesting.
TOM: Read us some.
MIKE: "The correct method to commit hara-kiri or seppuku is to fall on your
knife while slicing your special seppuku sword upwards in order to completely
mangle your vital organs and send them to the floor in a gory mess."
CROW: Cool!
MIKE: "However, you may not make a sound during the ideal." Huh.
TOM: I bet you'd make one sound.
MIKE: What would that be?
TOM: Splat!
(Fanfic Sign)
ALL: AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIIGNNNN!!!!!
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)
CROW: If only it were a Tetris fanfic.
MIKE & TOM: Huh?
CROW: You know, the constant struggle to survive, the pressure to become
organized, and the stress that comes from knowing the dangers ahead. It'd be
all nice and symbolic.
>
TOM: Well, fanfics over! Bye! <attempts to leave, but can't get past air grate
(at least not in this episode)>Doh.
> Blue Steel: A Visit From Metal Sonic
CROW: I swear, if he's a Jehovah's Witness...
TOM: He's a vicious killing machine. He doesn't have a religion.
CROW: Maybe he worships Isaac Asimov.
MIKE: I heard Isaac Asimov practiced that religion too.
> By D-H Sonic F
TOM: D-J Jazzy Sonic F.
> One day in the Metropolis Zone, Doctor Ivo Robotnik was talking to
>Orbinaut about Robotnik’s next plot to catch Sonic.
CROW(as Robotnik): I have secretly allied with Crash Bandicoot and a couple of
those Russian guards in the bathroom from Goldeneye.
> "Lord Ivo, us Badniks could constantly attack the residents of the
>Green Hill Zone." Orbinaut said.
MIKE: Twitzkrieg.
> "No, no, you have tried and tried to defeat Sonic by grouping up and
it
>has never worked! We need someone else. We haven’t given it very many
>chances, so let’s try using..." Robotnik chuckled.
TOM(singing): Some villains want to use you...
>
"Metal Sonic."
CROW: Purple Fudgy.
MIKE: Nasty Obtuse.
TOM: Wussy Pestilent.
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Meanwhile, in Act 1 of the Green Hill Zone a bunch of animals were
>playing flewap (the Mobian version of soccer).
TOM: Alexi Lalas should feel right at home.
MIKE: Why?
TOM: Look at his beard. He's a humanoid goat. I'm surprised they haven't
invited him already.
>
On one team were Sonic
>the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prower the Fox, Amy Rose the Hedgehog,
>Johnny Lightfoot the Rabbit, Sally Acorn the Squirrel, and Franko the
>Fox.
CROW: The Franko-Prussian Fox?
> The other team consisted of Tux the Penguin, Flicky the Bluebird,
MIKE: Flicky's an entirely different game!
TOM(hopefully): Maybe Duke Nukem's gonna come in and kick butt!
>Joe Sushi the Walrus, Uriri (Franko Fox’s girlfriend, pronounced
>Uh-re-re)
MIKE: I believe I gave a sample of her for a drug test...
> the Squirrel, Setvud the Hedgehog, and Tukfed the
Echidna.
>(Author’s Note: The only characters that I made up here are Franko,
>Uriri, Setvud, and Tukfed.)
MIKE: The newest trend in Sonic fanfics: Ukrainian rodents.
> Sonic was kicking the flewap ball down the soccer field, until
TOM: Duke took him out with the RPG.
CROW(Duke Nukem): Those marsupial @#$%s are gonna pay for shooting up my
ride...
MIKE: Guys...
>
Tukfed
>tackled him.
CROW: Australian rules flewap on ESPN2.
> "Sorry, I believe the ball should be going that
way."
>Tukfed said, pointing to the opposite direction that Sonic was running.
TOM(as Sonic): Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I seem to have rammed my foot into your
area.
MIKE(as Tukfed): It seems that I have busted your face. I apologize profusely.
TOM(as Sonic): Forgive me, it seems I jammed this sharp rock into your eye.
MIKE(as Tukfed): Clumsy me, I apparently lit a match across your face and
shoved it up your posterior.
TOM(as Sonic): Whoops, I seem to have disemboweled you with this butcherknife.
MIKE(as Tukfed): It's a crying shame that I just blew your head off with my
shotgun.
> Tukfed quickly passed to Uriri, and Uriri ran down the way Tukfed was
>pointing, but Franko got in front of her.
MIKE: So Tukfed passes to someone who is clearly blocked?
TOM: And who apparently can't even remember which goal she's going towards.
>
Uriri quickly tried to get
>past Franko. Then Uriri stopped, trapped the ball, and stared into
>Franko’s eyes.
TOM: SLEEEEP!
MIKE: People on a soccer field passing to the wrong person, getting confused
about which goal to shoot towards, and standing completely motionless. Reminds
me of the time I used to line games for the 5-6 year old divisions.
> Franko blushed, but Uriri kept staring.
TOM(as Duke Nukem): Whattaya waitin for- Christmas?
MIKE: I'm willing to bet this is the tensest part of the fanfic.
CROW: You know, this seems to be the same thing that happens when Marissa
attacks someone.
>
Then Uriri passed
>to Tux, Tux passed to Flicky, Flicky passed to Setvud, Setvud passed to
>Joe, Joe passed to Tukfed, and Tukfed shot and scored.
CROW: So, apparently Uriri has paralyzed all the other players as well?
TOM: I'm telling you, this thing stinks of Ratliff.
> "That’s 6-7, but we can still win!" Sally said. "Yeah!" Tails said.
Amy
>kicked off.
CROW: Mike, *please*!
MIKE: No, you depraved little twit.
> Amy, (for obvious reasons)
TOM: Began to yodel and do the Funky Chicken covered in chocolate pudding.
>
passed to Sonic,
CROW: So the obvious reason is...
MIKE: He hasn't been lulled into a comalike state by Urinal looking at him
funny.
TOM: Uriri.
MIKE: Whatever.
>
Sonic zoomed
>down the field, kicked the flewap ball down the field,
TOM: Fell over on the field, died of exhaustion on the field, was buried on the
field, his ghost still walks the field...
CROW: <sighs> If only...
>
but Setvud
>blocked the shot and ran the to the other goal.
CROW: So, Setvud and Sonic are suddenly the only two players on the field and
therefore nobody could stop him?
MIKE: Or Osiris looked at a bunch of other people.
TOM: Uriri.
MIKE: Whatever.
>
Sally tackled,
CROW: And suddenly yet another player materializes and joins the game.
>
got the
>ball, and ran the direction Sonic was originally running.
TOM: It's a good thing Sonic was pointing the way, or she would've been lost
for hours.
>
She shooted,
>and scored a point. The score was tied 7-7.
MIKE: Meanwhile the rest of the team is playing cards, drinking lemonade,
looking at Ural...
TOM: Uriri.
MIKE: *Whatever*.
> Sonic heard a slight buzzing. It got a little louder, then it stopped.
MIKE(young British male accent): Those are 'Einkels!
TOM(same): Naw, they're Messcherschmitts!
MIKE: 'Einkels!
TOM: Messcherschmitts! (10 point ref)
>But then everyone heard a really loud buzz and they saw a swarm of:
CROW: COLONS!!! OH MY GOD, DUCK AND COVER!!! <hides under seat>
> "BUZZBOMBERS!" Sonic shouted, "Okay, everyone, halftime!" The Badniks
>started firing.
TOM: The first to go was poor Franko, who was still standing there like an
idiot blushing.
> Then Sonic bashed a few Buzzbombers, but more
kept
>coming. Not just Buzzbombers, but a wide variety of Badniks. Sonic,
>Tails, and Amy kept bashing more and more, but more kept coming.
CROW: You know, for a strategy that never worked according to Robotnik, this is
doing pretty well.
> "Alright, Uriri girl, let’s rock and roll!" Franko said.
TOM(as Uriri): Wot iss zeez rocking-roll?
>
Franko and
>Uriri started bashing some Badniks.
MIKE: You know guys, I really can't handle this adrenaline rush, so I'm going
to sleep.
TOM: That won't work. Dr. F installed electrodes in your chair, remember?
CROW: Besides, the guy from Quake's gonna start blowing stuff to kingdom come
soon. Please?
>
But then Joe saw a big blue Badnik
>coming towards Sonic. "Sonic, watch out!" Sonic recognized the blue
>Badnik. It was...
CROW: Unnecessarily empathized.
> Metal Sonic.
CROW: Buttery Concise.
MIKE: Whiny Pastel.
TOM: Graphic Nauseating.
> "We meet again, young hedgehog. I suppose you might’ve grown afraid of
>me, have you?" Metal Sonic said.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): I've been hiding under your bed and making scary noises.
> Sonic performed a Super Sonic Spin Attack on Metal Sonic.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): I'll take that as a "no".
>
Metal Sonic
>said, "That won’t help you very much, hedgehog." "Oh yeah?" Sonic said.
>"What if I keep doing it?"
MIKE: Well, chances are you'll keep hitting him while everyone else stands
around like idiots.
TOM: Or the Brotherhood of Nod attacks in alliance with the Orcish forces.
> Sonic performed
another Spin Attack on Metal
>Sonic, but before he could land, Metal Sonic let out a burst of super
>speed and charged right into Sonic, and Sonic lost all his rings.
CROW(as Sonic): Auugh! My wallet!
>
Sonic
>got a few back, but he was still low on rings.
> "Inferior hedgehog, you will be destroyed immediately." Metal Sonic
>said. "NO!" Sonic shouted.
ALL: <snicker>
MIKE: Nice comeback.
CROW(as whiny Sonic): I don't wanna be brutally killed!
> Metal Sonic said,
"Concentrate on target
>hedgehog.."
CROW(as Sonic): NO! Oh wait, you're talking to yourself.
> Sonic ran circles around Metal Sonic. "Cant keep
target
>lock.. BZZZT BZZAATTT" Metal Sonic continued.
TOM(As Metal Sonic): Thought he was Dale... BZZZIT.
MIKE:<snickers> He's turning into a Cylon!
CYLON(monotone): WHAT-DID-YOU-SAY-PINK-BOY?
MIKE(quickly): Nothing sir.
> Tails said, "Oh my god, it looks like Metal Sonic’s gonna blow!" Amy
>said, "You’re right! We could have Metal Sonic destroyed real soon!"
TOM(as Metal Sonic): NO!
> BZZZZT BZZAATTTT BZZONK BZZZZZZ.. FOOOM!
MIKE: He's taking trombone lessons!
>
Metal Sonic regained control
>of itself. "Furry scum, I have advanced recovery systems! You ain’t done
>with me yet!" Metal Sonic said.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): You just opened yourself a big fat can of advanced
recovery whupbutt!
> Meanwhile, Franko Fox and Uriri the Squirrel were still bashing other
>Badniks and they realized what was happening with Metal Sonic.
CROW(as Franko): My god! He ain't done with him yet!
>
"Franko,
>maybe we need to help bash Metal Sonic." Uriri said. "Quick, to the
>catapult!"
MIKE(Adam West): Boy Wonder!
> They reached one of the catapults in the Green Hill Zone. Franko said,
>"Allright, Metal Sonic, prepare to meet your doom!" Uriri took an ax and
>chopped a vine that was keeping the catapult from firing.
MIKE(as vine): OW! Sheesh, if you asked first, I'd be glad to let go!
> "Allright, hedgehog, I’ll just get you by charging at you!" Metal
Sonic
>said.
CROW(as Sonic): NO!
TOM(as Metal Sonic): YES!
MIKE: STAAAY!
TOM: SLEEEEP!
CROW: VAAAAAANCE!
TOM: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!
> But a big rock went flying from the catapult and hit Metal Sonic
>right on its head.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): Okay then, I'll get you by lying on the ground and crying
like a baby!
> "Score 1 for the Green Hill Zone!" Sonic said. Metal Sonic regained
>control of itself. "According to sensor readings, that rock came from
>over.. there!" Metal Sonic said.
MIKE: ...pointing towards a nearby lake. That knock on his head wasn't any
good for his circuitry.
> Franko and
Uriri gasped. "I’ll get rid
>of you, furry scum!" Metal Sonic said. With that, it rolled into a ball
>and charged at Franko and Uriri.
CROW & TOM(as Franko and Uriri): NO!
MIKE: You know, you're kinda running it into the ground here.
> They both
jumped, but Uriri was one
>step behind and got hit by Metal Sonic.
> "AUGH!" Franko said. "Uriri, speak to me!" Franko continued. Metal
>Sonic said, "Sorry, your little friend there is badly hurt."
CROW: So, he's standing there, apparently about three feet away from them, and
everybody lets him make bad witticisms about Europa?
TOM(as Metal Sonic): I only meant to kill her, I didn't mean to hurt her.
>
"I -- won’t
>-- let -- her -- die!" Franko said.
MIKE: The sudden shock of possibly losing his girlfriend has made him assume
the personality of William Shatner.
CROW(as Franko as Shatner): Must--fight--urge--to wear--toupee!
> Franko
took Uriri to Sonic.
>"What can I do, Sonic?" Franko said. Sonic thought for a minute, and
>then an idea popped into his head. "Wait here." Sonic said.
CROW(as Sonic): I gotta take a whiz. I'll save your girlfriends life later.
>
Oh great.
>With Metal Sonic and all.
(shocked silence)
MIKE: What in the name of Honors English is that?
TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM(sobbing): KILL US!!!
MIKE: That's not fair. Who would kill me?
CROW: Hurl yourself from the projection room.
> Sonic zoomed into his hut
in Act 3. Sonic got
>a piece of paper with the coordinates of a place known as, "The
>Hospital." (Remember from "Island go Down Da Hooooole!?")
MIKE: I'm not gonna ask. I'm not gonna ask. I'm not gonna ask...
> Sonic zoomed back out of his hut, and into Act 1. "I’m back! Just
>follow this and you’ll be at a pretty good hospital!" Sonic said. Franko
>was on his way.
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Franko reached his destination. "Great. Just great. Sonic said there
>was a hospital here and I’m in the middle of a big forest." Franko said.
>"This distinctly qualifies as quite a fix."
TOM: It has it's own certification card and everything.
> Franko saw a wolf in the forest. Franko called to him, "Hey, is there
a
>hospital anywhere near here?"
MIKE(as wolf): It depends. What are you selling?
> "Sure, you’re almost there. Just go right and you’ll find it."
> "Are you sure?"
> "Absolutely sure."
MIKE(as wolf): Kinda. A bit. It's possible.
> "Okay.."
> Franko walked right. He gasped.
> This hospital was a circle of logs, a straw bed in the middle, with
>some pots to the sides of the straw bed. Some pots were heated, others
>were not, but each pot had a stick (all the bark was removed from the
>stick) in it. There were a bunch of wolves there, fixing up the place.
TOM: Wow! Franko's HMO really goes the extra mile!
CROW: Yeah, sticks without bark and everything!
> "Uhh.. hello? I have a patient here.."
> One of the wolves said, "Hello and welcome to the hospital. I am
>Zerkig."
MIKE: I wonder if they have outdated National Geographics on Mobius too.
CROW: Yeah, they're called "woobazzes".
> All the other wolves introduced themselves. They were
Ranig,
TOM: Well, use an umbrella then.
>Oucko (pronounced O-KO),
CROW: Was she the redhead or the rich one?
MIKE: Neither.
> Weror (rhymes with
terror), and Sanir. "And
>what is your name?" Weror said. Franko said, "I’m Franko, and this
>patient is my girlfriend Uriri. But her name will be DEAD if we don’t
>hurry!"
TOM(as Zerkig): I need 45 cc's of barkless drenophylanine NOW!
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> "Metal Sonic, I’m gettin’ tired of you!" Sonic said.
"*chuckle*chuckle*
>Too bad." Metal Sonic said. It rolled into a ball, and bounced all over
>the place. About time for Super Sonic. But how?
MIKE: You could ask all those people who are apparently standing around and
drinking coffee.
> Then Metal Sonic, still rolled into a ball, charged at Sonic. Sonic
ran
>a fast as he could, and used a catapult to hit Metal Sonic with a big
>rock. "Ouch! Stop it with the big rocks!" Metal Sonic said.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): C'mon, play fair so I can kill you!
> "How’s a big log instead?" Sonic used a slingshot to hit Metal Sonic
>with a big log. "Stop those too!" Metal Sonic said. "Just to be safe,
>how about an entire TREE?" Sonic said. Sonic chopped down a tree and it
>fell on Metal Sonic.
TOM(as Metal Sonic): You know, technically that falls under the category of big
l- OW!
> "I’m.. tired.. of.. you.. hedgehog! I.. need.. repair.. I’ll.. see..
>you.. again.. hedgehog!" Metal Sonic said. With that, Metal Sonic flew
>away. "Whew!" Tails said. "I’m glad we lived through that one!"
MIKE(as Tails): Or at least I'm glad you lived through that one while I sat
around staring at you like an idiot.
> Sonic said, "We have, but I know of someone who might not.."
CROW(dramatic music sting): Dun dun DAAAA!
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> "Any good news about Uriri girl?" Franko asked. "So far, not much. But
>were working hard at it." Sanir said. "I hope Uriri lives.." Franko
>said.
MIKE(as Franko): Gosh, you seem to have fallen down a fifty-foot well, are you
all right?
> Before we move on, I’ll tell you a fact about Franko and Uriri. They
>have mysterious telepathic powers so they can communicate with each
>other, but unfortunately, only each other. No one else on Mobius knows
>about this.
TOM: And I'm sure that there's a perfectly logical reason why.
> Franko attempted to talk to Uriri via telepathy. It worked.
> Franko: Uriri girl! I was hoping you were well enough to talk to me
via
>telepathy.
MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
> Uriri: My mind is okay, but my body isn’t.
TOM(sarcasm mode): Yeah, she's a *reeeeeal* sharp one...
> Franko: I understand. But the problem is, you’re expected to die.
MIKE(as Franko): No biggie.
> Uriri: DIE?
TOM(as Uriri): NO!
MIKE: Tom...
> I’m to young for that!
> Franko: I’m afraid so. This is weird. If you’re expected to die,
howcum
>your mind is okay?
> Uriri: My mind is nothing like any other squirrels’ minds.
MIKE(as cheerful Uriri): The doctor said it was twisted beyond recognition.
Then I stabbed him to death with one of his pens.
> Franko: Either way, I hope you live. Metal Sonic doesn’t deserve to
>kill anyone!
ALL: <snicker>
MIKE(as Franko): He should only be allowed to critically injure them!
> Uriri: Of course not. Metal Sonic is just a bunch of steel scum!
> Franko: Yeah! Anyway, do you feel any pain on the upper body?
> Uriri: Zip, zilch, zero, nada, nothing.
> (Franko bursts out laughing)
CROW(as Zerkig): Why are you laughing?
MIKE(as Franko): My girlfriend said something funny with her mind!
CROW(as Zerkig): That's nice. <whispering> Ranig, get those barkless
tranquilizers.
> Uriri: What is it?
> Franko: The people in the hospital think that the place you were hurt
>was somewhere in the upper body.
TOM: You know, you'd think that they'd look for the area that has gigantic
gashes on it from the metal spikes on Metal Sonic...
> (Uriri laughs a little too)
TOM(as Uriri): Oops! Punctured a lung!
> Uriri: Just tell them that maybe, just maybe what they think is wrong.
CROW(as Zerkig): NO!
MIKE: Guys, don't you think that's getting a bit old- No! Wait!
BOTS: NO!
MIKE: <sighs> Walked right into that one...
> Franko: Okay. Goodbye, Uriri girl!
> Uriri: Goodbye! Seeya!
> Franko went over to the wolves. "Are you sure she got hurt on the
upper
>body?" "More or less, yeah." Ranig said. "You absolutely positively
>sure?" Franko asked. "We could see," Oucko said.
CROW: Yeah, yeah. When does she fight the giant robots?
MIKE: Crow, that's A-Ko.
CROW: Okay then, when do we find out she can reproduce?
MIKE: Armitage.
CROW(angrily): Does this involve Mothra at all?
MIKE: Thank God no.
>
Oucko spooned some
>orange slop out of a heated pot with a stick and put it on Uriri’s lower
>body. "That should do the trick, if she was hit on the lower body.
CROW(as Oucko): Of course, I have to lick it off. And she has to be nude.
MIKE: Crow...
> Franko attempted talking to Uriri via telepathy again.
> Franko: Hello again, Uriri girl!
MIKE(as Franko): I'm attempting to talk to you via telepathy again!
> Uriri: Hello! How’d it go?
> Franko: They’re trying using the theory that you were hit on the lower
>body.
MIKE(as Franko): Since you kinda seem to have bloody stumps where your legs
were.
> Uriri: Finally.
> Franko: I don’t know whether they’re making any progress, though. Are
>you feeling any better?
> Uriri: A little.
> Franko: That’s good to hear!
> (pause)
TOM: Sorry, I bumped the "start" button with my Hoverskirt.
> Franko: Uriri girl?
> (another pause)
MIKE: Maybe its got one of those slow-motion switches that flicks the start
button on and off.
> Franko: Uriri girl, where are you?
> (Guess what?
CROW: You flunked second-grade English?
> Another pause)
CROW: I still stand by my theory.
>Franko: URIRI GIRL?!?
MIKE(singing): Brown-eyed Uriri girl...
>Franko stopped attempting talking to Uriri via telepathy. "How’s Uriri
>girl doing?" Franko asked. Franko saw Uriri, okay, sitting on the straw
>bed. "Uriri girl!" Franko said, and they hugged each other. Franko
>turned to the wolves. "Thank you for helping Uriri girl." Franko said.
TOM(as Ranig): Who are you calling a girl?
>"Ditto!" Uriri said.
> Uriri started talking to Franko via telepathy.
> Uriri: Sorry for when I abruptly stopped talking to you. Side effect
of
>being revived.
> Franko: Huh?
ALL: SHE SAID "SORRY... FOR... WHEN... I..."-
MIKE: Nah, we'd never finish the fanfic if we did that.
> Uriri: You know what I told you, "My mind is nothing like any other
>squirrels’ minds!"
MIKE(as Franko): You suppose it has anything to do with all that Elmer's Glue
you sniff?
TOM: It's not "glue" on Mobius. It's "niffidz".
> Franko: Anyway, we’d better say our goodbyes to the wolves and head
for
>the Green Hill Zone.
> Uriri: You’re right. Seeya in reality!
TOM(as Franko): But reality bites!
> They stopped talking to each other via telepathy. "Well, I guess this
>means goodbye." Franko said to the wolves. "Goodbye, maybe we’ll see
>each other again!" Zerkig said.
CROW(as Zerkig): Seeing as how we found a malignant tumor in your leg, we're
judging that you'll be back within five to six weeks.
> They left for
the Green Hill Zone.
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> "Who?" Tails asked.
MIKE(as Sonic): Sega's copyright lawyer. He said something about defamation of
character.
> "Uriri the Squirrel, girlfriend of Franko Fox. She was dying when I
>told Franko to take her to that hospital ran by wolves. "I remember that
>place. I liked it there." Amy said.
CROW: So Tails was paying about as much attention as we were.
MIKE: Yep.
TOM: So the author is giving us another needless recap.
MIKE: Yep.
CROW: So there is no God.
MIKE: Well, there's a Satan at least.
> Tails
said, "But where are Franko
>and Uriri? They should’ve come back by now!"
> "Here we are!" Uriri said, just entering the Green Hill Zone with
>Franko. Sonic said,
CROW(as Sonic): NO! Sorry, force of habit.
> "Franko! Uriri! We were worried about
you!" "Well,
>we’re back, and Uriri’s totally okay!" Franko said. "We are totally
>victorious!
TOM: As opposed to being partially victorious?
> Metal Sonic defeated and no one’s hurt!" Amy said.
"Hooray!"
MIKE: Totally hooray?
> The End
CROW: Now there's something that makes you want to go hooray.
ALL: Hooray!
MIKE: Of course, there's five more stories or so on this guy's website.
ALL: NO!!!!!!
(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge. Tom is at the very edge of the screen. There
is some duct tape around the back of his head.)
TOM: Uh guys? Could you come here a minute? Quick?! Please?!!
(Mike and Crow enter.)
MIKE: What's wr- Ohhh...
(Camera zooms out, showing Duke Nukem and Quake Guy holding shotguns which are
duct-taped to Tom's head.)
MIKE: Is this going to be like the time you served those Vogons some too-hot
coffee with the lid not on tight enough?
TOM: Mike! I need hostage negotiation here!
DUKE: We understand that your pal here was crackin' wise about our fictional
involvement in that piece of manure that someone thought that they needed to
share with the world. Right, Quake Guy?
QG: Grrrrr!
DUKE: Bingo. We stole one of those cruisers from Ares and decided to pay you a
little visit concerning our libel suit.
QG: Arrrrrr! Grrrrr! <howls>Aroooooo...
DUKE: If your ex-candy-containing little friend does not retract his statements
concerning us, my feral friend and I may have to use him as dental floss. And
Quake Guy does *not* brush often.
QG: GrrrARRGgrrrr!
CROW: Tom... retract the statements.
TOM: But how? They were witty and to the point! Cutting, yet elegant! They were
like a fine wine on a warm summer's evening, the gentle touch of a woman, the-
(Quake Guy places Tom's head in between his open jaws.)
TOM: My, what interesting forms of gingivitis you have. I retract the
statements and hereby declare that I never said them and never heard them and
never laughed raucously at their <QG gnaws on his head a little> I retract the
statements! I retract the statements!
DUKE(removing the duct tape): That's very sensible of you, fireplug.
TOM: Do you like calling me fireplug? I'll have my named changed to it if you
wanna.
CROW: Hey guys, I've always been curious. Which one of you could beat the other
in a fight?
DUKE: Well, all of us rival computer game characters got together, and we tied
for second place.
MIKE: Who won? Marathon Guy? The Preacher from Damage Incorporated? Algebra
Blaster?
QG(embarassed): Ngggg...
DUKE: We don't really like to talk about it.
MIKE: C'mon, tell us.
DUKE(annoyed): We don't wanna!
ALL: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!
DUKE(irritated): IT WAS ROCKETT J. MOVADO! ARE YOU HAPPY?!?!
(shocked silence)
CROW: The lead character from those "just-for-girls" games?
DUKE(seething, possibly because he couldn't fight the seether): Yeah.
TOM: The small, slightly frail-looking lead-
DUKE(angry): Hey, it's all in the footwork, ya hear? Besides, we were sleepy.
MIKE(hurriedly): That's okay, Duke. Happens to everyone. <pause> You were
unarmed, right?
QG: RRRRRRGGHH!!
DUKE: Yeah, let's go. I saw a Hooters on the way here.
(They leave, and we go to Space Van, with Pearl driving, Observer riding
shotgun, and Bobo between them.)
BOBO: So it turns out that a tick or a louse or something crawled into his
power circuit and shorted the whole thing out! Plus, he got Lyme disease! Heh
heh heh! <rests his arms on Pearl and Observer's shoulders, who begin to squirm
uncomfortably> Yeah, funny old thing, life...
PEARL(nervous): Mike?
____________________________________________________________________________
PEARL(v.o.): Do you have any Raid? Thanks for
reading. Opinions expressed are all -------+-------
mine, you greedy jerks. No harm intended. All
rights reserved. Do not circulate without
written consent. Please don't feed the bears.
>"NO!" Sonic shouted.
JimL2
Currie wrote:
>Plus I thought I was Dale, so I kept washing my hands incessantly for Ivory
soap
Uhm... I think that's called an obsessive compulsive disorder. Read more about
it in Children of the mind, the third Enders Game novel by Orson Scott Card
(hey, I don't read medical journals, you know!)
Jim "Oh, I have good memories of this footage. 'Oh, uh, from before?' yeah."
Lauwers
JimL2
Oops! Heh-heh! Guess what happens when you reply to a post before reading it!
Whe I read this line:
>a Little Doctor projector
I realised Currie had already read the Ender series (at least Enders Game) and
in the process, made an ass out of myself. Oh, well, another day, another
embarrassing memory.
Jim "Or in my case, two!" Lauwers
JimL2
I already posted this message, but it's not showing up, so [recreated from
memory]:
Well, see what happens when you try to respond to a post without reading it? I
wrote this about 5 minutes later, but when I read this:
>little doctor device
I realized she had already read the Ender series (at least the first one)
Jim "Why are you zooming in on me? I have no emotions to show you!" Lauwers