MiSTed: Willow the Vampire Slayer? (3/4) [corrected]
Peter Milan
Original Story by Lord Bowler
Part 3
[SOL. Mike and Tom are reading comics when Crow walks in, holding
a sheaf of paper.]
CROW: Hey, guys. Wanna read a fanfic?
TOM: Yeah, because we _never_ do that.
MIKE: What's the story?
CROW: Well, it's a crossover between Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dead Man
on Campus, American Pie, My Stepmother Is An Alien, Free Spirit,
and an episode of Touched By An Angel.
MIKE: Uh...huh. Crow, I know the answer to this question will only
make me unhappy, but what exactly is the common thread in all
of that?
CROW: Oh, they all starred Alyson Hannigan, Willow's Earthly avatar.
[Long stare.]
MIKE: "Earthly avatar?"
TOM: "Free Spirit?!"
MIKE: Whaddaya mean, "earthly avatar?"
CROW: Well, see, Willow is more than the funk queen of the universe,
Mike. She transcends all time and space. Alyson Hannigan just
sorta serves to house her light. I mean, if we looked upon
Willow's true face, we'd probably go insane with joy, right?
[Long, long stare.]
MIKE: Riiiiiight. Tom, could you et-gay the ait-stray acket-jay?
TOM: Why? His arms don't work.
MIKE: Yeah, but--
TOM: Neither do mine, for that matter.
MIKE: What I'm saying is--
TOM: How exactly am I supposed to put a straitjacket on Crow without
working arms, Mike? Or did you not plan that far ahead?!
CROW: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
MIKE: Nothing! (slaps the console) Hey, Brain Guy, a word?
[Castle. Brain Guy, his arm in a sling, is reading the
latest issue of Kiplinger's.]
B.G.: What seems to be the problem, my microcephalic chum?
[SOL. Tom is struggling to put a straitjacket on Crow.]
TOM: I TOLD you this wouldn't work!
CROW: Stop that!
MIKE: Well, it's the usual thing. One of the bots has gone dangerously
insane. Could you help?
[Castle.]
B.G.: Hmmm...it seems the spider-duck is in need of some serious
deprogramming. Tell you what, come back next break and I'll
utterly destroy his will and remake him.
[SOL. Crow has the straitjacket over his head.]
MIKE: Uh...okay! Cool!
CROW: Hey, a little help?!
[Ye olde lights.]
ALL: AHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1]
[Everyone files in.]
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
>by Lord Bowler
CROW: This thing itches!
MIKE: Don't worry, buddy. You'll be nice and sane again in no time.
TOM: Whaddaya mean "again?"
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
>
>
>
>
> Part Five
TOM: Last time it was personal, but now they're just going through
the motions...
MIKE: Okay. You stop now.
>
>
> The blade struck her chest with a heavy thud. *Thud?* He thought.
Willow's
>eyes shot open and she let out a blood-curdling scream.
ALL: MENDOZAAAAAAAAAA!
> The figure tried
>to pull the knife free, as Willow kicked at him, but discovered it was
>embedded in a heavy book.
CROW: Oh, good, Her Majesty didn't have to tax herself by creating a
spell of ultimate healing. Which she could easily do, by the
way.
MIKE: That's nice.
> He pulled again this time freeing the knife and
>quickly fled into the hallway.
> Eric arrived moments later. "What's the matter?" he asked.
CROW: [Willow] I started thinking about the infinity of the universe and
went insane! But I'm okay now.
> "A man... in my room...
TOM: [sings] Ohhhh sweet mystery of life at last I've found you...
CROW: Watch it, you.
> tried to stab me..." Willow managed to gasp out.
>Then gathering her breath continued. "He ran out into the hall, you must
>have seen him?"
> "Willow, there was no one in the hall. Are you sure it wasn't just a
bad
>dream?" Eric asked,
CROW: QUESTION HER AT YOUR PERIL, FOOL!
MIKE: CROW! Enough. Just stop with the rhetoric, okay?
CROW: ...Very well. But what I do, I do for Willow's sake.
MIKE: Yeah. Faboo.
> as Simon, Master Bartholomew and several others
>arrived.
> "Does this look like I was dreaming?"
MIKE: What am I, a clown to you? Do I AMUSE you?
> Willow asked as she held up the now
>'murdered' mystery.
TOM: There's several James Patterson novels I've wanted to do that to...
> "Who could have done this? Why would anyone want to kill Willow?"
Simon
>asked.
MIKE: Well, there's Cordy...Faith...the Mayor...the actress that got cut out
of
the pilot and recast...
> "There can be only one explanation." Master Bartholomew replied. "We
have
> a traitor in our midst's."
TOM: IN OUR MIDST'S WHAT?!
MIKE: No. Seriously. _Last one_.
TOM: All right, all right...
MIKE: There's another straitjacket on this ship, you know.
TOM: Jeez! You're testy today!
>
>
> The three travelers emerged from the terminal of the Nice airport
looking
>rumpled and exhausted.
CROW: Yeah, but it was Peter Falk, Robbie Coltrane and Jean Reno. They
_always_ look like that!
> None of them had managed to get much sleep during
>the trip between crying babies and air turbulence.
TOM: But man, combine those two things with badminton rackets
and you got yourself a party!
> Xander and Giles
>carried their bags. Buffy had only her carry-on, somehow in all the planes
>switches her bags had gotten rerouted to Istanbul.
TOM: Not Constantinople.
CROW: Yes, it's Istanbul.
MIKE: Not Constantinople.
> "Wait here." Buffy said, "I'll get us a cab." Giles would have
protested,
>but she was gone before her words could work their way through his
>sleep-deprived brain.
MIKE: [Giles] If only I had some delicious Maxwell House!
TOM: Okay, that's the last one for _you_.
> Buffy bent over talking to the cab driver for
>several moments, when suddenly the cab took off. Buffy returned to her two
>friends with a puzzled look on her face.
TOM: [Buffy] What's "voulez-vous couchez avec moi c'est soir" mean?
> "I have got to start paying closer attention in French class." Buffy
>observed.
CROW: Fetes le bruit du cochon, ma petit dejeuner!
MIKE: What's that?
CROW: Don't ask.
> "Why? What happened? What did you say?" Xander asked.
TOM: [Buffy] I dunno, something about body odor and bending over for
the Nazis.
> "I don't think I want to know. He just said something about being a
>married man and not having a watermelon in any case, then took off." Buffy
>admitted.
[ALL laugh weakly.]
MIKE: Oh, for fun.
> Giles, deciding it was best to ignore the whole thing,
TOM: Yeah, well, that option isn't open to some of us.
> interjected "As I
>was going to say before you rushed off we don't need a cab I've rented a
>car for us." And with that, led them off in search of the rental counter.
CROW: [Leonard Nimoy] Join us now on a quest for that which time forgot...
THE RENTAL COUNTER OF THE GODS.
> A half-hour later, a courtesy van dropped them at their rental car.
Buffy
>stared at the car in disbelief, it was a deep forest green in color, but
>in every other way the tiny Citron, was an exact twin of the 'kiddy' car
>Giles drove around Sunnydale.
MIKE: He always looks like such a clown in that car. HA!
CROW: Ohhhh, that one gave me polyps.
> "Well, shall we get going?" Giles asked obviously pleased with the
>provided car. "I should take us about an hour to reach the Order's
>estate."
CROW: [Giles] In the meantime, we can sing show tunes!
TOM: [Buffy] The hell we will.
>
>
> Willow, dressed in a yellow floral print sundress, sat in the garden
>enjoying the warm afternoon sun. She was still more than a little nervous
>from last night's attack, but Steven's presence helped.
CROW: His manly...uh...turgid...huh. What was I talking about?
MIKE: [sniffling] Nothing, Crow...
> He and a couple of
>others who had been playing poker at the time of the attack were the only
>ones that could be ruled out as her assailant, and were therefore taking
>turns guarding her. He stood close by, dress in a dark suit and sunglasses
>looking like a Secret Service agent or, she grinned at the thought, one of
>the Men In Black. A maid brought her a pitcher of Lemonade. Willow thanked
>her and after taking a sip, turned her attention back her attempt to read
>Jules Verne's "Around the World in 80 Days" in the original French.
MIKE: Soooo...Willow spends the entire story lounging around, reading, and
changing into flattering outfits.
TOM: You complaining?
MIKE: Not yet...
> Suddenly, Steven crashed to the ground at her feet. Willow flung the
>lemonade in the general direction of her attacker, and dropping the
>pitcher started to run. As Willow glanced back, she saw a very wet Slayer,
>sputtering and trying to wipe the acidic drink from her eyes.
TOM: AHHHHH! THE FRIGGIN' COMPANY USED ME!!
> "Buffy?"
MIKE: Jodie?
>Willow exclaimed. "Buffy!" Willow exclaimed once more, this time her voice
>filled with glee as she threw her arms around her soaked friend,
MIKE: Anything?
CROW: Uh...no. Should I?
MIKE: *sigh* I guess not.
giving
>her an enormous hug. "I'm so glad to see you. Are Giles and Xander with
>you?"
CROW: [Willow] I'm really desperate for a game of bridge, and they make
four!
> "Yeah, they're waiting down the road with the car. I was supposed to
scout
>ahead before we rescued you." Buffy stated, as she re-evaluated the
>situation she found her friend in. "But it doesn't look like you need
>rescuing."
TOM: [Willow] No, but I _do_ need more drinks. Hey! Cabana boy! Get movin'!
> "Not exactly..." Willow began to explain, but was interrupted when
Steven
>began to wake. "Steven. Are you O.K.?" Willow asked.
MIKE: [Steven] No, I'm probably S.N. Oklahoma is O.K.
BOTS: Callbacker!
> "I think so. What hit me?" He asked shakily.
> "My friend Buffy. She's the Slayer." Willow informed him.
> "I must have been hit harder than I thought, I could have sworn you
just
>said the Slayer's name was Buffy." Steven replied.
TOM: [French] Zee inherent irony baffles my French puzzler! Mon dieu!
Fromage!
CROW: [French] Zee fact zat she is named Buffy has rocked my French world!
MIKE: [French] Only a Jerry Lewis film will calm me now!
> Buffy was about to protest, but Willow cut her off by saying, "Help
me get
>him inside. We'll get someone to look at that bump." She told Steven.
> "Then send someone out to get Giles and Xander, so we can sort all
this
>out." Willow concluded while taking one of Steven's arms over her
>shoulders. Buffy quickly moved to take the other arm.
CROW: Make a wish!
> As they walked Buffy asked Willow, "While were waiting for Giles and
>Xander do you think we could find me some dry clothes? The airline lost my
>luggage."
> "I think I know just the thing." Willow replied with a twinkle in her
eye.
TOM: [Willow] A crotchless silk teddy!
MIKE: Not bad.
TOM: Some of these I can come up with on my own...
>
> Willow and Buffy quietly entered the estate library. Buffy was now
wearing
>Willow's 'Mad Max' outfit from the day before.
MIKE: Uh...still warm from contact with Willow's sweet...uh...is flesh the
word I want?
TOM: I think so...Crow, any thoughts?
CROW: I bet Willow bakes great chocolate chip cookies.
TOM: That's very helpful, Crow.
> Giles was absorbed in the
>histories and prophecies of the Order, while Xander paced back and forth
>nervously.
CROW: He's really setting the pace for this fanfic.
> "So did you miss me?" Willow asked trying to sound glib. At the sound
of
>her voice Giles and Xander looked up and seeing their lost friend rushed
>over to her.
MIKE: They knocked her to the ground, swiped her wallet, and ran like hell.
> Xander scooped Willow up into a big bear hug, which she
>enjoyed immensely. Giles tried to handle the reunion with typical English
>reserve, but Willow was having none of that and gave the librarian a big
>hug.
TOM: The sudden physical contact caused the librarian to retreat into
an autistic coma. Sad, really.
> "I was afraid I would never see you again." Xander said.
> "You nearly didn't." Willow admitted
CROW: [Willow] I was _this_ close to taking a role on "Manchester Prep!"
> as she told them, about her
>kidnapping, the prophecy and finally the attempt on her life last night.
> "I don't understand. Why would anyone here want to kill Willow if
they
>think she's the one who's supposed to stop this demon?" Xander asked.
CROW: Gee, Xander doesn't understand. What a shock.
MIKE: Leave him alone. He's a good boy.
> "I was wondering about that myself." Giles replied.
> "Didn't you say that Maladel bargained with the demon for eternal
life?
>Buffy asked.
> "Yes, but... ah I see your point." Giles replied.
> "I'm sorry. Maladel?" Willow inquired.
CROW: Hansel? HANsel? HANSel? HanSEL? Hansel?
> "Yeah, you know the guy who sprung Zaxe-what-his-name a thousand
years
>ago." Xander answered.
> "They didn't say anything about anyone releasing the Demon. Just that
he
>escaped." Willow noted.
TOM: Hey! Buffy vs. Etrigan! That's be a pretty hip fanfic!
> "How odd." Giles replied as he started digging deeper into the
Order's
>histories. While he was doing that Buffy and Xander brought Willow up to
>speed on the last battle with Zaxerathus as recorded by the Watchers,
>Cordelia's sad fate, and how Willow's parents were holding up
TOM: banks and coffeeshops, having abandoned their suburban bourgeoisie
lifestyle! Breathless, baby!
> Maladel sat alone in his room casually reading through a book and
>considering the events of the last forty-eight hours.
MIKE: [Maladel] Ho-hum, lack-a-day...I really must finish conquering
all of creation and making the souls of the innocent my playthings.
The fact that the
>girl wasn't the Slayer, and the recent arrival of the real thing had
>complicated his plans, but he could still make it work for him. All it
>would take was a nudge in the right direction.
CROW: He listened to his Tony Robbins tapes, seeking inspiration...
> Things would be much
>easier, he thought, if he had succeeded in killing the girl, and
>reprimanded himself once more for trying to make the kill so dramatic
>instead of just poisoning the girl or putting a bullet in her brain.
TOM: Ah. Victor Von Doom Syndrome.
> Now
>the Order was aware of a traitor in their midst's, and he had no doubt
>that the Watcher would quickly determine that the histories and prophecies
>were careful forgeries.
CROW: You'd think that copy of the "Clara/Isabella Correspondence" would
be a dead giveaway...
> As long as everyone was looking for a traitor in
>the Order he couldn't move freely. He would have to do something about
>that. He paused in his reading and looked over the page again. Yes, he
>thought, that should do nicely.
MIKE: He would have laughed maniacally, but his throat was a bit sore,
so he had some lemon tea instead.
CROW: "Femme-ulon, Demon of Anal Retentivity!"
>
>
> "This is very odd." Giles announced after completing an initial
survey of
>the book. "There is no mention of Maladel anywhere in these pages, and no
>mention of the loss of the Slayer. Ceradel is briefly mentioned as the
>creator of the Defender, but there is no mention of his role in defeating
>Zaxerathus.
TOM: Well, shadowy cabals aren't known for their excellent recordkeeping.
> Also there are several passages where the language used is
>inconsistent will writings of the 10th century, I would wager a guess that
>these were written several centuries later." Giles concluded.
MIKE: This is total BULL, man!
> "Say around 1382?" Willow guessed.
MIKE: Uh...okay.
ALL: Around 1392?
> "That would certainly be in the right time frame, but why then?"
Giles
>replied. Willow told them about the fire and how much of the Order's
>records were lost.
> "We have to tell someone." Willow stated. "The Order needs to know
they
>have been manipulated by Maladel."
> "Yes, but who? Any of them could be Maladel." Buffy observed.
CROW: Meanwhile, in the corner, Xander amuses himself with a piece of
string.
> Before anyone could make a suggestion, the door flew open and Steven
>rushed in. "Hurry." he said, "Its Master Bartholomew."
MIKE: He's got his head caught in the bedposts again! Bring some butter!
> The four quickly followed Steven to Master Bartholomew's office. When
they
>got there they found Bartholomew lying in his chair his chest a mass of
>scarlet. From his chest protruded a knife, which Willow immediately
TOM: Yanked out, thus becoming rightwise queen of all France!
>recognized from the attack the night before. They quickly rushed to his
>side. Bartholomew looked at Willow. "beware... child. he...
>is...among...us..." he managed to gasp out, and then he was gone.
TOM: [Kosh] And so, it begins.
CROW: [Kosh] If he goes to S'unny'dun, he will die.
MIKE: [Kosh] Don't warn the tadpoles.
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
>by Lord Bowler
>
>
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
>
>
>
> Part Six
>
TOM: [sings] Part, six, get a cru-ci-fix.
>
>
> Moments later, Eric, Simon and the rest of the Order arrived. They
all
>stood quietly, trying to come to terms with the loss of their leader. They
>were unsure of what to do, the prophecy was set to come to fruition
>tomorrow night, then the Order's purpose would be over, consequently no
>plans for succession had been made. Finally realizing that someone had to
>act, Simon spoke.
CROW: [Simon] Well, we're boned.
> "Matthew. Gabriel." Simon ordered. "Take the Master Bartholomew's
body to
>the wine cellar, the cool there will preserve it until we can arrange a
>proper burial.
MIKE: Because we CERTAINLY wouldn't soak him in an Oriental marinade, cook
him, and serve him on a bed of rice, so if that's what you're thinking,
you're WRONG!
> Steven. You and the others we know we can trust search the
>estate, start with the private chambers of the members. The rest of us
>will gather in the dining room and try to sort out what happened."
TOM: Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick! It's
obvious!
> As Gabriel and Matthew, removed the body and the others left to their
>assigned tasks, Buffy noticing something stopped by the desk and picked up
>a fallen book. Looking at it she observed. "I guess it would have been too
>much to hope that Agatha Christie could have saved two stabbing victims."
CROW: Yeah, but Dorothy Sayers could do it. She's a ninja!
> "What?" Willow asked, as Buffy handed her the copy of Agatha
Christie's
>"Ten Little Indians" she had found. *So that's where it was. No wonder I
>couldn't find it yesterday.* Willow thought, amazed at the way the human
>mind could distract itself with trivia at times of crisis.
TOM: Or in the midst of FANFIC!
> Willow placed
>the book on the desk and followed the others to the dining room. As she
>pulled the door shut, she glanced back at the book and a wild thought
>entered her mind.
MIKE: Xander, a paddle and a tub of pudding...
TOM: Crow's brain is a scary place, isn't it?
MIKE: It's a bad place full of bad things.
CROW: Ah, bite me.
> *It couldn't be.* she thought, but unable to prove her
>theory or discount it, she decided to keep it to herself for the moment.
CROW: Oh, would that John_Winston were half as wise and discreet as
Willow...she
is truly a model to us all!
MIKE: Hard to argue with that one...
>
>
>
> The Dining Room was more of a banquet hall, it was twenty feet wide
and
>more than forty in length. The ceiling was nearly two stories high.
>Lengthwise, along one wall ran a series of French Doors which opened onto
>a patio.
MIKE: To your right is a sign which reads "Welcome to the Great Underground
Empire."
> Along the opposite wall was a pair of doors at either end and
>between them ran a buffet table, which was empty except for a selection of
>liquors that a number of the member had already used to calm their shaky
>nerves.
TOM: Underage drinking; it's fun! It's hip! All the kids are doing it!
This message brought to you by the Booze Council! Booze: Source of
all things good!
> On one of the shorter walls hung a huge tapestry of the castle
>that had originally stood on the estate. Steven had explained to Willow
>earlier in the day that the estate had been rebuilt several times over the
>centuries the last being in the 1930's, but always on the same cellars and
>foundations.
TOM: He then launched into an impassioned diatribe on the virtues of
historical architectural styles, at least until they found the
dried frog pills...
> On the opposite wall was the entryway to the kitchens.
CROW: If you look carefully, you can see Xander's butt disappearing
through it.
> Giles was telling the Order about Maladel, and what he had discovered
>about the histories and prophecies, when Matthew and Gabriel returned from
>their morbid duty looking pale and shaken.
CROW: Mike, can we skip this paragraph? Willow isn't in it, so it's
probably not important.
MIKE: Yeah, Crow, let's do that. Let's just skip all the sections of the
fanfic without Willow in them.
CROW: Okay!
> "Thank you Mr. Giles." Simon offered when he had finished, "At least
now
>we have some idea why someone among us would betray us." then turning his
>attention to the group, "Now that we are all assembled I guess the first
>thing to do is figure out who was the last person to see Bartholomew
>before the attack."
MIKE: I was being sarcastic! Now say something funny!
CROW: But Willow's not in this paragraph either. What would be the point?
> "I guess that would be me." Eric volunteered, "About a half hour ago,
>Master Bartholomew, asked me to re-check the lighting in the Portal
>Cavern. I had just gotten back when I heard the news."
TOM: I heard the news today...oh boy.
MIKE: You can't just ignore the fanfic!
CROW: Why not? If the paragraph isn't touched with Willow's holy light,
it's a pointless exercise. Think about it! We could spend the next
three Oscar fics in blissful meditation!
MIKE: Until Pearl pumped all the air out of the ship!
> "I'm sorry, the Portal Cavern?" Willow interrupted.
CROW: Well, that's a problem for--hey! You made me miss a Willow line!
TOM: Can we kill him now?
MIKE: Not yet...
> "The Portal Cavern is a large dome-shaped chamber in the catacombs
beneath
>the estates, it was the location of the battle one thousand years ago, and
>the place we believed Zaxerathus would reappear. Although with the
>Prophecies now called into question that may no longer be true." Simon
>informed her, he then continued "OK did anyone else see Bartholomew after
>Eric?" Simon put forward. Receiving no positive reply he said, "Then I
>guess the next step would be to find out where everyone was for the last
>half-hour, Eric you were in the Portal Cavern. Alone?"
MIKE: Just say something, all right?
CROW: Fine. Uh...I wasn't practicing French kissing with my hand in there!
TOM: I take it back. Let him meditate or whatever it is he's doing.
> "Yes alone, what are you implying?" Eric replied testily.
TOM: [French] Just testing zee little gray cells.
> "I'm not implying anything, just trying to get the facts straight."
Simon
>retorted.
MIKE: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there
you have the facts of death...
> Before they could argue any further, Steven and the other searchers
>entered. The were carrying a robe with a bloodstained cuff, that Willow
>immediately identified for the group as the one her assailant had worn,
>and a large book, which Giles, on cursory examination, said might be the
>genuine prophecy.
CROW: Then again, it might be The Big Book of Purplish Tumors.
> "And where did you find these items" Simon asked.
> "They were hidden in Eric's room." Steven informed the group.
TOM: Along with this instructional video, _How I Shaped The Destiny of
a Shadowy Cabal And Made It Pay Off!_
> "You have got to be kidding!" Eric exclaimed, "This is obviously a
frame
>up. If I was really this Maladel, why would I hide that stuff in my own
>room?"
MIKE: Maybe he was trying to hide it under a pile of underwear. Like a robot
might do to a stolen wallet.
TOM: That was PLANTED!
> "Maybe you didn't have time to hide it anywhere else, your room is
along
>the path from Master Bartholomew's office to the catacombs, assuming you
>went there at all." Simon challenged.
MIKE: Maybe none of this is actually happening and we are each of us the
dream of ourselves! ...But, y'know, probably not.
> "Very convenient that we can't check
>out your story about Master Bartholomew sending you somewhere where there
>wouldn't be any witnesses. And if it wasn't you who are we supposed to
>believe did do this."
CROW: [French] I blame society!
> "You're awfully quick to take charge. Maybe you're Maladel. Killing
>Bartholomew and framing me would assure you of being in charge, and what
>better place to make sure that the Order fails to stop Zaxerathus." Eric
>replied.
ALL: J'ACCUSE!
> "I took charge because someone had to." Simon countered. "But if it
will
>end this pathetic attempt to deflect blame, I'll step aside and let
>another lead. Steven. We know you can be trusted, and we don't have time
>for elections, would you be willing to take over?"
TOM: Ah, the politics of French scrags. WHEN ARE WE GONNA SEE SOME DEMON
FIGHTS, DAMMIT!
CROW: And I could have sworn _WILLOW_ was in this fanfic!
> "While I'm less than eager to take on that kind of responsibility
with
>Zaxerathus rising tomorrow night, I don't see that I have any choice."
>Steven said reluctantly.
MIKE: [French] I was planning to eat snails and not wash, but...
TOM: Jeez, Mike!
> "Eric. I agree. This does look like a set up,
>never the less I'm going to have to confine you to quarters until this is
>over." Eric looked like he would explode for a moment,
CROW: And then he did! BLOOIE! Big chunks of Eric all over the place!
> but then seemed to
>accept his fate, and let himself be led from the room. "Mr. Giles," Steven
>said turning his attention. "If you could examine this new book and
>determine if it is the genuine prophecy, and if so what it says?"
> "Of course." Giles replied, picking up the book. "I'll be in the
library."
TOM: [sarcasm sequencer is go] NOOOOOOOOOO! What a shock!
> "As for the rest of you. Try to get something to eat and a good
nights
>rest, tomorrow is going to be a busy day." Steven stated.
MIKE: [French] Tomorrow you all go to work in the vineyards!
>
>
> Well past midnight, Giles sat at the desk in Willow's room, on the
desk he
>had several reference books he had brought from the library, and was
>working on the book of prophecies under a small desk lamp. Xander was
>curled up on the love seat, although how the boy could sleep in such a
>position was a mystery, while Willow and Buffy shared the bed.
[TOM and MIKE both look at Crow.]
CROW: What?
TOM: Whaddaya mean, "what"?!
MIKE: Come on! You're not even going to try?
CROW: Try what?
TOM: Crow, read that sentence again. Willow. Buffy. _The same bed_.
CROW: ...I don't understand what you're trying to say.
MIKE: Oh, God, we're losing him...
> They had
>agreed, in light of recent events, that it would be best if they stayed
>together, despite the guards Steven had stationed outside the door.
TOM: [whispering to Mike] Ten bucks says his head explodes before the end.
MIKE: You're on...
> The next morning, Willow awoke to find Giles asleep at the desk. The
>others weren't adjusted to the time difference yet, and were still sound
>asleep. Willow decided to take advantage of the opportunity to be the
>first one at the shower. After she had showered and finished in the
>bathroom she dressed in a blue and green striped cotton dress,
MIKE: And now, Willow in the silent spot. Willow's wearing--
> called down
>to have breakfast for four sent up, then went about the task of waking her
>sleeping friends.
TOM: By jumping up and down on their beds and screaming "MONSTER! MONSTER!
MONSTER!" It's their little ritual.
>
>
> After they had all dressed and eaten, Willow, Giles, Buffy, Xander
and
>Steven met in the library to learn what Giles had discovered in the new
>prophecies.
CROW: [Giles] Apparently Xander is destined to be eaten by a large stoat.
Too bad. Well, time we were going...
> "Well first let me say that these do indeed, appear to be the true
>prophecies." Giles began, which brought a sigh of relief from Steven.
CROW: Oh, thank God, a huge evil beast _is_ coming to destroy us!
>"They correspond in every detail with the Watcher Journals, and the use of
>language is correct for the time. Secondly it would appear that the Orders
>calculations regarding the time and place of Zaxerathus' return are also
>correct, indeed, they main differences between the two would appear to be
>omissions rather than out right alterations."
> "What sort of omissions?" Willow asked.
CROW: Special omissions?
TOM: Nocturnal omissions?
MIKE: Omissions impossible?
> "The first is a description of Zaxerathus, apparently written by
Ceradel
>himself" Giles explained.
MIKE: It's self-serving with many glaring omissions!
TOM: Actually, yes it is.
> "The Devastator is violence and aggression personified. It is the
Alpha
>and Omega of his existence. He exists only to attack and destroy all that
>is.
MIKE: So he's Sean Penn?
TOM: No, he's Gallagher.
> Indeed it would an easy mistake to say that he is violence, for he
>both causes and is caused by violence, but this would be inaccurate. As
>much as we might wish to blame violence in the world on a single entity,
>we cannot, it lives in each of us."
CROW: This message brought to you by the TAKE SOME FRIGGIN' PERSONAL
RESPONSIBILITY AND BE A BETTER PARENT COUNCIL!
TOM: Wow. Who wrote this fanfic, Kreskin?
> "The other major omission is in the section that speaks of the
Champion,
>and her battle with the Devastator." Giles continued.
MIKE: Apparently that one was pushed back a few months because of
high school graduation season...
> "Am I the Champion?" Willow interrupted nervously, not wanting to
hear
>what she knew his answer would be, but knowing she needed to.
CROW: Either way, she could handle it, for she was WILLOW, Funk Queen of the
Universe and Savior of Us All!
TOM: I changed my mind again. Kill him.
> Giles paused unsure of how to proceed then after a moment simply
replied
>"Yes." then continued. "The prophecy is surprisingly clear on that." then
>he read:
TOM: [Giles] "The Hessian soldier removed his jacket, revealing his strong
muscles, and--" Oops! Wrong prophecy.
> "When Zaxerathus rises again, the Order will require a champion to
face
>him. She will be a radiant beauty of fiery hair and fair skin.
TOM: "She will wear lots of sweaters and she will smell nice."
MIKE: How do you know what she--never mind...
> To find
>her, the Order must seek the Slayer in a new land. She will not willingly
>come into her role, but will find the faith to accept it in the end."
CROW: "And then she will enjoy a light supper, followed by a dish of
sorbet."
> "Wait a minute!" Xander interrupted. "It says that the Slayer is the
>Champion. Not Willow."
CROW: SILENCE, INFIDEL! YOU QUESTION HER AT YOUR PERIL!
TOM: Shut UP!
CROW: FEED HIM TO THE SWINE!
TOM: SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
MIKE: BOTH of you knock it off!
> "Actually it says that to find the Champion they must seek the
Slayer.
>Never that the Slayer and Champion are one." Giles corrected. "They looked
>for the Slayer and found Willow."
MIKE: Hyuck! It's a wacky misunderstanding!
> "You must be mistaken about the translation then," Xander said fear
>tingeing his voice, "you can't expect Willow to fight this thing, it beat
>a Slayer what chance does she have."
CROW: Better chance than you, ya big puss...
> "Actually I don't believe she is supposed to fight Zaxerathus." Giles
>offered.
> "What!" the other four exclaimed in unison.
TOM: Gor blimey!
CROW: Egad!
MIKE: Strewth!
> "The second omission," Giles explained "which I was trying to tell
you
>about before we wandered off track, says."
> "The Champion cannot fight the Devastator and win, but it will be she
that
>brings about his downfall."
TOM: "Basically, the Champion is totally boned."
> "How can she bring about his downfall if she doesn't fight him?"
Steven
>asked.
CROW: Must...resist...Lewinsky reference!
> "Because I will." Buffy put forward, "Willow's the Champion, and she
>brought me here, thus bringing about Zaxerathus' downfall when I beat him.
>Err... if I beat him."
TOM: It's that kind of steely confidence we've come to know and love
from the Buffster.
> "That would seem to be a reasonable interpretation." Giles replied,
"But I
>am no more at ease at the thought of you facing this beast than Willow, it
>did beat a Slayer before."
MIKE: [Giles] I say we make Xander fight it!
CROW: Yeah! Move it, Zeppo!
> "Didn't you say that Zaxerathus gathered and army of vampires last
time."
>Buffy asked. To which Giles replied yes. "Then to get to Zaxerathus, she
>would have had to fight her way past that army, exhausting herself. And
>beside the prophecy clearly mentions the demon's downfall so we're on the
>winning team right?"
CROW: Guys? What's going on?
MIKE: Are you serious?
CROW: Yeah. I just realized I've completely lost touch with the plot,
what with all the ranting and dogma.
MIKE: *sigh* They're all in France and Buffy's gonna fight a monster.
TOM: You've lost touch, all right...
> "I suppose so." Giles allowed. "Although neither the Order's
Histories nor
>the Watcher Journals mention the Slayer battling her way to Zaxerathus."
> "I don't know. It still sounds awfully roundabout.
TOM: So is this story, but are we complaining?
MIKE: Well, you are. I'm actually just replaying last week's Redskins
game in my head.
> Why not just have the
>Order go get the Slayer instead of grabbing me." Willow questioned.
> "Because prophecies delight in making everything complicated." Xander
said
>protectively relieved that Willow would not be facing the demon.
CROW: Yeah, great. Lemme write that down in Chicken Soup for the Slayer's
Soul,
ya big doofus...
>
> "Giles?" Willow asked tentitively, as she stuck her head into the
library
>where he was working.
TOM: [Willow] Xander's asleep and I need to be amused. Would you dance
for me?
> "Ah, Willow come in." Giles said as he sat back from his work,
removing
>his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose.
MIKE: He found himself provoked by the word "rubbing" and stopped.
> "I'm not disturbing you, am I?" Willow asked as she stepped into the
room
>carrying a tray with a pot of tea on it. "I thought you could use a
>break."
CROW: [Giles] AHHH! I say, you shattered my knee!
> "I was just reviewing the Prophecy, to make sure I didn't overlook
>anything last night due to lack of sleep."
MIKE: [Giles] And I must say, I found Christopher Walken's performance
over-the-top.
> Giles explained. "But, perhaps
>a break would be a good idea." He said as he helped himself to the tea.
>Looking at Willow as he sipped at his tea, Giles said "But, I get the
>impression that delivering tea, wasn't your only reason for coming here."
CROW: [Willow] You're right. I also have scones.
> "Eric mentioned that the records about the use of the Defender were
lost,
>in that fire in 1382. I was hoping that you might have found something
>that would help Buffy in the true prophecy." Willow explained.
> "I'm afraid not. There is a reference to a Defender Codex in the
>historical section of the book, but nothing about the sword's use."
MIKE: [Giles] There is a reference to something called a BFG which may
prove useful...
> "Oh." Willow replied disapointedly, then asked. "Do you think Buffy
can
>stop the Devastator?"
TOM: [Giles] Oh, hell no. I'm actually looking for a taxi company to
get us out of here.
> "She has a true gift when it comes to weapons," Giles offered, "I'm
sure
>she'll be ready when the time comes... But your still not convinced that
>we made the right interpretation of the prophecy?" Giles asked.
CROW: Maybe Maladel's just going to bake them some cookies. Maybe
that's it.
> "I'm not sure. Everything seems to fit, its just that I have this
feeling
>we're missing something basic."
TOM: I don't miss anything basic. I was always into Cobol, myself.
> Willow said, not quite sure what was
>bothering her. "I guess its nothing. I should let you get back to your
>work, I promised Buffy and Xander I'd meet them in the Portal Cavern."
CROW: [Willow] Where they will lavish adoration upon me, as is my right.
>Willow concluded, and after exchanging good-byes left the library.
CROW: See how she says good-bye?
MIKE: I see, Crow.
CROW: Very polite, our Willow.
MIKE: Crow, I _will_ hurt you.
>
>
>
>
> The Portal Cavern was a huge dome-shaped chamber nearly one hundred
feet
>across. The floor was paved with cobblestones, while the gray stone walls
>were un-naturally smooth and uniform. The cavern was lit by three massive
>banks of flood lamps the Order had mounted to the ceiling.
MIKE: And as you can see here, these windows add a daylighting effect to
the Cavern, relying on the sun instead of fluorescent lights.
TOM: ...what?!
> There was but a
>single entrance, which Steven had ordered guarded in case Maladel was
>still loose.
> In the center of the room Buffy, dressed in one of the 'Mad Max'
outfits
>Willow had been given on her arrival, practiced with the sword. The sword
>moved about her in a blur.
ALL: WOO-HOO!
> Tracing intrique patterns in the air as Buffy
>worked it through a series of imagined attacks and defences, easily
>shifting the blade from one hand to another as needed.
TOM: Buffy: Warrior Princess!
> Willow stood at the entrance absent-mindedly watching her friend
practice
>and once more played back the events of the last few days in her head,
>certain the answer to what was bothering her was right in front of her.
CROW: [Willow] Oh, _that's_ it! Liquor before beer, never fear, beer before
liquor, never sicker! I always forget that one!
> Her introspection was broken when Xander noticing the new occupate of
the
>cavern called out to her.
MIKE: HEY! WILLOW! HOW'S YOUR INTROSPECTION GOING?! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
REALLY ACHIEVING INNER PEACE OVER THERE!
> "Willow! I was beginning to wonder if you'd
>gotten lost.
CROW: When are _you_ gonna get lost?!
> Buffy's really getting the hang of the sword don't you think?
>Old Zaxerathus doesn't stand a chance." He finished, sounding like he was
>trying to convince himself.
TOM: Then he punched himself in the stomach to force himself to agree!
CROW: Yeah! Welcome to Fight Club!
> "Yeah I'm sure she'll do just fine." Willow agreed without conviction
as
>Buffy came over to join them.
> "Hey, the Prophecy clearly says the Devastator will fall. Have a
little
>faith." Buffy said trying to comfort her friend.
TOM: Well, Xander already did and it nearly got him killed!
MIKE: AHHHH! Don't DO that!
> "I know." Willow began. "Its just that we never seem to understand
these
>things until after the prophecy is past." Willow explained, but decided it
>best not to bring up the example of the prophecy about Buffy's death.
CROW: See, she's always thinking of others! I wish Willow was my mom.
TOM: I wish Willow was my girlfriend.
MIKE: I wish Willow was here instead of me.
> "Well I don't know about you guys, but I'm starved." Xander stated
trying
>to steer the converstation in a less morose direction.
> Buffy and Willow gave each other an amused glance at this. Xander's
>hungry.
CROW: Then EAT DEATH!
MIKE: Relax.
> Something are constant even with the end of the world at hand.
> "Actually something to eat would probably be a good idea," Buffy
observed,
>"Then I should probably get some rest if I want to be sharp tonight."
MIKE: You should probably also rub yourself on a rough stone.
>
>
> It was less than an hour before midnight. Buffy and Willow were alone
in
>their bedroom, the others would be coming for them soon to take them down
>to the Portal Cave. Buffy was relacing her boots, while Willow continued
>to try and determine what was bothering her. Suddenly she whispered, "It
>can't be that simple."
TOM: [Willow] If I kill Buffy, then I'll be the one dating Angel? It CAN'T
be that simple!
> "Sorry, did you say something Willow?" Buffy replied to the
unexpected
>noise.
> "Sorry, Just thinking out loud." Willow replied, *It can't be that
simple*
>she thought *How can I possibly face Zaxerathus like that?*
CROW: Hey, guys?
TOM: Yeah?
CROW: A couple pages up, was there a line about Willow and Buffy in bed
together?
MIKE: Uh...yeah, there was.
CROW: Ah. That's what I thought.
[Crow's head EXPLODES in a fiery flash.]
TOM: HA! Ka-ching!
MIKE: Ahhh, nuts... [hands Tom a $10 bill]
> "She will not willingly come into her role, but will find the faith
to
>accept it in the end."
> The words echoed in her mind. *Faith.*
TOM: Her? What a bit--
MIKE: Ixnay!
TOM: I was gonna say "bitca."
MIKE: Oh. [pause] Fanboy.
> She thought. *Sometimes that's all
>we have.* Knowing now, what she must do, she quietly rose, picked up a
>vase of flowers, snuck up behind Buffy, and whispering a silent "Forgive
>Me," smashed the vase on Buffy's head knocking her out.
TOM: Whoa! I called it! She's staging a coup!
MIKE: She's not staging a coup...*cough* Crow's non-toxic, right?
TOM: Probably.
> Willow then picked
>up the sword, from where Buffy had lain it, and hurried to the Portal
>Cavern to meet her destiny.
MIKE: Hi, destiny! How's the wife and kids?
TOM: Let's git...
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
[SOL. Mike is attaching a new head to Crow's body.]
MIKE: Well, Observer, I hope you can do something with him. [snaps head into
place]
Crow, are you okay?
CROW: Willow...Buffy...they were sharing a bed, Mike! THEY WERE SHARING A
BED!
TOM: Yeah, Crow. They were probably wearing those lace nightgowns from
earlier
in the fanfic too!
CROW: AAAAIIIIIIIGGGH!
MIKE: Hey! You got your ten bucks, all right? Back off!
TOM: Oh, come on. This happens to me every other Tuesday, and I don't need
deprogramming. Hey, Crow, guess what they were wearing under those
nightgowns?
CROW: NO! Must--resist--lustful thoughts--about Willow!
TOM: That's assuming they were wearing anything at all, of course--
MIKE: ENOUGH! Whenever you're ready, Observer...
[POP! Crow vanishes.]
[Castle Forrester. Crow is tied to a chair while Brain Guy paces around
menacingly.]
BG: So...Crow. I understand you've begun a new religion.
CROW: Willow is the source of all joy and wisdom. It is she who will
protect us in our hour of need. All peace and love flow from
her in a river of bliss!
B.G.: I see. Well, Crow, I will have to use my most complicated techniques
as an interrogator to force you to see the error of your ways.
[Brain Guy reaches off screen and comes back with a clown hammer.]
B.G.: Now let's take this from the top...
[SOL. Mike winces and Tom flinches as they watch the carnage. We can hear
Crow
getting pummelled offscreen.]
TOM: So, Mike, we've sent our dearest friend off to get the snot kicked out
of him for the crime of not seeing a fictional character as a sex
object. Got any doubts about the morality of that plan?
MIKE: Well, NOW I do!
[Castle Forrester. Brain Guy puts down the hammer and looks at a battered
Crow.]
B.G.: Well, Crow, what do you think of Willow now?
CROW: Willow? Who's Willow? Are you my mommy?
B.G.: Success! Well, let's get you back to the Satellite.
CROW: But I don't wanna go to school...I wanna stay home and bake cookies
with you!
B.G.: Sorry. Commercial sign, I think you call this...
[Bumper]
[Commercials. Anson Williams and Donna Pescow star in Do Fembots Dream of
Electric Creeps? on Seeing Ear Theater!]
--
Pete
deu...@yahoo.com
deu...@prodigy.net
"If you start out depressed, everything's
kind of a pleasant surprise." -- Lloyd Dobler