MiSTed: All My Children Episode [1/4]

[Christine Malcom]

Hello, folks. This MiSTing is a collaborative effort by me and David
Welsh that was posted on rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc, but I thought I'd repost
it here. I have new respect for the people who can regularly churn these
out. It's a hell of a lot of work. We hope it pleases.=20

From=20c...@midway.uchicago.edu Wed Feb 5 16:14:23 1997
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 13:19:55 -0600
From: Christine Malcom <cm...@midway.uchicago.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc
Subject: AMC: MiSTed 1/14/97 episode [1/4] (long)

This MiSTing is a collaborative effort by David Welsh and me. Originally,
Jen Roth (my email to you keeps bouncing!) and Sean Griffin who had to bow
out due to real lives (harumph). Enjoy!=20

(Mike Nelson stands in the Satellite of Love. Oddly enough, he's wearing
an Ascot and false brown goatee in addition to his usual jumpsuit. He
speaks in a halting manner, strangely reminiscent of Captain Kirk, and
makes rather severe pointing gestures from time to time.)

Mike: Welcome... to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike... Nelson, and...
today we have something rather... special for you... all.
Gypsy: (Enters, wearing an apron and a wispy, strawberry blonde wig. She
carries a tray, and speaks in a rather shaky accent that seems to be
Irish.) Um, Master, uh, Dimmy... Sure'n I have your... um... soda bread,
faith and, well, begorrah, and a crock o' the finest chocolate pudding
this side of... um... County Cork.
Mike: Thank... you... Pegypsy. I'm sure it's... wonderful.
Gypsy: Um... sure'n. (Flees.)
Mike: (Back to his normal speech patterns.) Seriously, you guys, it's
"All My=20
Children" day here at the Satellite of Love.
Crow: (From offstage) Pity us all.
Mike: And, to get into the spirit of it, we all decided to dress up as
characters from one of the many compelling storylines on this fine hour of
drama. (A vase is hurled on stage, aimed directly at Mike.) Hey, Tom
Servo, you're a little *too*=20
in character there, mister!
Tom: No, that was me. (Servo enters, wearing huge, chunky earrings and
a little brown wig.) Why am *I* Erica Kane?
Mike: Well, ^Qcause you already had the little red skirt on. (Laughs at
his own joke.) Seriously, though, I think you do Susan Lucci proud.
Crow: (Still off) Yeah, you both meet the height requirement for
supermodels!
Tom: That does it, Crow!
Mike: Come on, Crow! Get your little robot keister out here!
Crow: Do I have to?
Tom: Yes, blast it!
Mike: Hustle it on out here! (To camera.) Now, we couldn't have
Dimitri without the two lovely ladies he thinks he's impregnated, could
we?
Crow: (Emerges wearing a Planet of the Apes wig, a perilously
overstuffed brassiere, and a stethoscope. He does not look amused.)
Happy now?
Tom: (Lewdly) Hotchachachacha!
Crow: Bite me, "And the Emmy *doesn't* go to...!"
Tom: Them's fighting words! (Lunges at Crow, but Mike intercedes.)
Mike: See? Verite at its finest!
Crow: (Calming down.) Wait a minute. This Dimitri guy has buns in the
oven in two different kitchens? Is that what you're telling me?
Mike: Well, as far as anyone knows...
Crow: Man, talk about potent!
Mike: But, Crow, y'see, really it's...
Tom: He's like, Captain Virile!
Crow: Major Motility!
Tom: Sergeant Sperm!
Crow: (A la Schwarzenegger) Da SPERMINATORRRRRR!
Mike: O.K., this is getting a little out of hand, so...
Crow: Cahm to me Glowia dat I might share my powahful seeeeed!
Tom: It's the second Baby Boom!
Mike: Guys, it's time to...
Crow: You, Mawian Colby... you ah not exehmpt from mah potency!
Mike: We really should start...
Crow: Phoebe Tyluhhh! Come to me, wesistance is futaillll! (Suddenly,
the Soap Light flashes)
Mike: We've got soap light!
(The group panics and flees toward the screening room.)

Scene I: Scott=D5s Car, Parked in a secluded area
(Scott changes the radio station from =D2I=D5m a Scat man=D3 to a Bryan Ad=
ams
ballad)
S: Did you like the movie?
Laura: It was really short

Crow: Maybe it just seems that way in comparison.
Mike: Crow!

S: It was 2 hours. Just good movies always *seem* short.
L: Action packed.
S: Well, we=D5ve got an hour until my dad speed dials the cops.
L: Brooke worries more.

Tom: Shyah, right!
Crow: (As Brooke:) "Um, Laura, hi. Listen, I don't mean to pry,
but did you =20
use all the Stiffis?

S: Mmm. The meals at Holidays are big enough to share.
L: Ugh..popcorn overload.
S: Mm...me too. Are you cold?

Mike: (As Laura:) "Listen, just because I'm not in the mood
doesn't mean..."
Crow: Temperature, Mike.
Mike: Oh, sorry.
=20
L: Just my hands. You know: bad circulation.

Crow: (As Granny Clampett) "And don't even 'ta get me started on
my rheumatiz"

S: (Scott takes her hand in his) Better?
L: Way better... (smiles)=20
Scene II Holidays
Mateo: (entereing) Excuse me, miss?
Hayley: (yawn) May I help you? (recognizes him) (chuckle) Very funny.

Crow: What was?
Tom: Did we miss a joke?
Mike: No, y'see, they're engaged, and...
Crow: (Eagerly) Yeah, yeah?
Mike: And he called her "miss", and she was too stupid to pick
up on the =09 fact that he's her fiance...
Tom: Go on.
Mike: Well, that's the joke. Ha. Haha.
Tom: Oh. (Feebly) Haha.

M: (kisses her) C=D5Mon, sleeping beauty (kiss). Awake.

Crow: Another Disney reference. Pack of suck-ups.

H: (perky voice) Welcome to Holidays! May I help you?
(Tanner scowls from the bar)

Tom and Crow: (Sing) My best friend's girrrrrrrlfriend!
My best friend's girrrrrrrlfriend!
=20
Dimitri: (dials phone) Peggy? No no, I=D5m ah not on a plane. It was
grounded for repairs. It=D5s best to wait it out. There=D5s also bad weat=
her
over Seattle. Deh...Peggy. *Please* put Maria on the phone. Is she home
yet?

Mike: (As Peggy) "Sure'n she is, but Anton dropped by and
they're down =20
at the huntin' lodge."
Crow: (A la Schwarzenagger) Look! Id iz da Sperminator!
Tom: Mike, make sure Gypsy stays out of the screening room.

Scene III (Maria=D5s office)
M: Llllet me just get it all out.
Edmund: I=D5m not going anywhere.
M: I tried to deny my love for you once, out of anger.

Crow: (Singing) First I was afraid, I was petrified!
Tom: (Singing) Just thinkin' I could never live without Sam by
my side!

E: *deny?* You slept with my brother!
M: Because I thought our marriage was already dead!

Mike: I hope that doesn't happen with her patients very often.
Crow: (As Maria) "Oops, sorry! Pull the sheet back down!"

E: *you* decided it was over
M: Because I felt like you betrayed me. I was sick! I was sick inside!
E: (sits on edge of desk) All this time you let me believe...that we had
something genuine.
M: We do. We do. And I wanted to tell you before we started over
again, I really wanted to, but I was scared to death!
E: Scared of *what?*

Tom: Spiders?
Mike: The Medical Review Board?
Crow: Sillicone leakage? =20

M: of losing you. I wanted you back so much...

Tom: Oh.
Mike: Well, yeah, I guess.
Crow: I still think the leakage is scarier.

E: How much did you want Dimitri?
M: No no no, No, it wasn=D5t like that! It wasn=D5t *like* that!
E: (breaks in) *what* am I failing to understand, Maria? *tell me!*

Crow: (As Maria) "Sigh. Guess I'd better get the charts out
again."

Holidays
(Hayley, whose roots are about an inch long, slumps on the bar. Matt and
Tanner hover on the other side)
M: How you holdin=D5 up?
H: The bar is holding me up!
M: Maybe you should call it quits for tonight.

Tom: Y'know, Mike, I think they've successfully established
Hayley in =09 the workplace milieu, haven't they? I
mean, she never *really* =09 needs to go in again.

H: That=D5s ok. I=D5ll take a little 10 minute catnap on the cot in the
back.
M: Cot? When did we get a cot?
Tanner: Oh...I did man. I figure we=D5re all Holidays=D5 hostages until w=
e
get out...in the black. SO I figured...

Crow: (As Tanner:) "And, oi know hah you two loik to rut loik
dingos, oi =09 do."
Mike: (A la Marcia Brady) I think Tanner's *dreamy.*
Tom: I don't mind telling you, I find that extremely
disturbing, Mike.

M: Nonononono...you need real sleep. No cots. You just go home
H: I have to close tonight.
M: I=D5m closing . You kow, I spent the whole day with Rosa, you know
getting that situated, now I have to pitch in here.

=09Crow: I thought these two were engaged.=20
=09Mike: They are! Matt is so good for Hayley.=20
=09Tom: Then why is he trying to get rid of her? =20
=09Mike: He=D5s not! He worries about her!=20

H: You know, you look a little tired yourself.
M: Caffeine=D5ll fix that.
T: (moves to make coffee) got it, man.

Crow: Ah...*ha* I=D5m beginning to get the picutre here...=20
Tom: (Makes kissing noises)
Mike: (Again, a la Marcia Brady) And he makes *coffee*, *too.*
Tom: Stop that!

M: Plus I have to, ah, I have to pay the bills.
H: Tonight?
M: Yes, tonight. I=D5ll take the cot.

Crow: I just bet you will =09
Tom: Because it's against the law to pay bills in one's home.

H: Fine. I=D5ll just take my teddy bear to bed.

Tom: (As Hayley) "And it'll be magical."
Crow: Yeah, sister, I=D5d get used to it. =20
Mike: I don=D5t get you.=20

M: (pained laugh) Look. This place will be running it self in no time, I
promise, okay?

Tom: Yeah, into the ground.

H: (smiles) Okay. Do you have the keys to the Hayley mobile.

Tom, Crow and Mike: (Singing) Prat-man! =
=20

Dana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana!=20
Prat-man!

M: Yeah, they=D5re right here, but you=D5re not driving home because you=
=D5re
way too sleepy and you=D5re going to fall asleep at the wheel and that=D5s =
no
good.
H: *Mateo!* It=D5s *not* that far!

Mike: I read somewhere that most accidents occur within two
blocks of =09 tired "TGI Fridays" knock-offs.
Tom: (Emphatically) When will people learn?!

M: Yes, it is. Ok...you=D5re right. It isn=D5t. It isn=D5t But I=D5ll t=
ell you
what I=D5m going to do. (tosses keys in air) Heads up!
T: (strange woofing noise. catches keys)

Crow: (As Marlin Perkins) In a desperate move, my assistant,
Mat, hurls =20
the jeep keys at the attacking primate.

M: Can you drive her home?
T: Sure, man. Do I have the freedom to get off the night shift?
M: (nudges Tanner knowingly) you have the freedom granted. Get outta here
I=D5ll take over here =D4til you get back.

Mike: Geez, give him a box of Stiffis and some Dewars while
you're at it.
Crow: (Chuckles knowingly) Oh, I think he knows that blondie=D5s
virtue is=20
=09 quite safe with his =D4mate=D5
Mike: Are you trying to imply something?
Tom: Mike, I=D5m really disappointed in you. I hadn=D5t pegged =
you
as=20
=09 someone who=D5d be uncomfortable with this.
Mike: With what?=20

H: Hey! Tanner! Do me a favor: no stunt driving, please. This is a
mission of mercy. (turns to Mateo) and *you* papi, come home tonight.
M: I=D5ll try.
H: Come *home* tonight.

=09Crow: Oh, Hayley, have some dignity
=09Tom: The handwriting is on the wall in eyeliner.=20

M: I=D5ll try. I=D5ll try. (to Tanner) keep her safe.

Crow: (As Mateo:) "Absolutely *no* unsafe transmission of
fluids, you =09 hear?"

T: Hey, man, she=D5s my best friends girlfriend. What wouldnt I do for
her?

Crow and Tom: (Sing) My best friend's girrrrrrlfriend!
My best friend's girrrrrrlfriend!

H: Good night.
T: (weird accent) you take it easy, mate. (both leave).

Tom, Crow and Mike: ROIT! =20

(cut to Dimitri on phone)
D: Edmund and Maria aren=D5t home yet? No no no no no. I might wait it ou=
t
at the airport. I *have to make it to Seattle tonight.

Tom: (As Dimitri:) "I won't... rest... until the... scourge...
of =20
infertility... is behind us all!"

(Skye enters)

M: Hey, stranger!
S: Work=D5s been keeping me busy. Can I take that booth?
M: Absolu...
S: (cutting in) I=D5d like to keep a low profile.

Crow: Must be her naturally retiring nature.

M: Well, I=D5d hide you in the kitchen, but you know all the healthcodes..
S: Just don=D5t tell anyone that I=D5m here. Except Edmund. Are you
expecting him?
M: Yeah. He=D5s a regular here. (exits)

Tom: They really lower the bar on use of the term "regular,"
don't they.
Crow: Hey, desperate times...

S: (dials phone) Where are you Edmund?
(Andy enters in a hideous green cardigan with shirt tails protruding)

Tom: Oh my God! It's a young Fred Rogers on a bender!

(Skye spots him and attempts to hide behind a menu)

Crow: (As Skye) "No, I will *not* be your neighbor! Bite me!" =
=20

(Andy charges her table)
A: You=D5re avoiding me. You=D5re not at home, you=D5re not at the office=
=2E
Playing hard to get is *not* an option.

Mike: But it says right here in my copy of "The Rules..."
Tom: You own "The Rules?"
Mike: It was my Book of the Month Club special.
Tom: That still doesn't explain all those Mary Higgins Clark
novels I keep =20
finding in your room.

S: Lower your voice!

Crow: Bite me!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Sorry. There's just something about this chick...

A: That $1000 suit you pulled this trick on-- Mr. West, aka Mr. Marick --
what=D5s he to you?

=09Tom: (as hypnotized Skye) Dimitri is father to all children.=20

S: That doesn=D5t matter
A: A few taps of the keyboard and the original untouched test results are
in the right hands. It would be sooo easy.

Mike: Not for someone without fingers.
Tom: Yeah! S'there, Fred!

S: That can=D5t happen.
A: Ok...so you be easy --or else.

Tom: Well, that was a vulgar exchange.

Maria=D5s Office
M: No one was plotting behind your back. There was no more to my
relationship with Dimitri than what you saw every day. (a tear rolls down
her cheek)
E: What did I miss?

Crow: (As Maria:) "O.K., back to Figure 7: Hunting Lodge at
Midnight."

M: Yyyou didn=D5t miss anything.
E: This doesn=D5t make sense. (gets up, walks toward door)

Tom: Somebody warn the writers! Edmund's in a mood!
Crow: Aah, they made their beds.

M: Dimitri thought he had lost Erica forever and...
E: So? Just...Let him drink himself blind!
M: That=D5s what he was doing when I found him!

Mike: Sex as intervention. What would Betty Ford say?

E: You *looked* for him?
M: No. No no baby, I went to the hunting lodge. I wasn=D5t looking for
abody I didn=D5t think I would find anyone there., I wanted nothing. I
wanted...solitude!

Mike: And ya couldn't use the Crypt like everyone else!

E: *I* wanted *you*! I just wanted....oh...we had just lost *Sam!* You
and me!
M: But I *blamed* you.
E: Not Kelsey?
M: No. I just wanted to treat her like the spoiled brat she was. I
wanted to ignore her and have us run away.

Tom: (A la golf commentator) Ah, the mature, adult route.

E: With Dimitri=D5s help. One way or another, Dimitri would=D5ve come to
your rescue.
M: No, Edmund...that=D5s not fair.
E: DON=D5T TELL ME WHAT=D5S FAIR! You woke up in my brother=D5s arms.

Crow: (A la Schwarzenagger) De ahms of de Sperminatorrrrrr!
Tom: In many instances, that might be considered "punishment
enough."

M: When Sam came back to us, I felt...reborn
E: So did I.
M: But before that, Edmund, I felt cursed. I...I didn=D5t...our in vitro
failed, we lost Sam. I didn=D5t understand. I just didn=D5t understand wh=
at
was going on and why these things were happening to us...

Mike: Some Catholic *she* is.
=20
E: I *told* you our day would come.

Tom: (Sings) And we'd have everythiiiiing.

M: Baby, when I lose your heartbeat, I lose my way.

Crow: I *told* you she navigates by sonar.

E: Why didn=D5t you just confess to a priest or a shrink?
M: They would have just sent me to you.

Tom: And then there'd be no ennui.

E: But *why* now? We have Sam, we have another baby on the way, Why the
*hell* did you...(Maria begins to sob) (fierce whisper) No...nooo....

Tom: Four! Four! The answer is FOUR, may there be pity on our
souls!
Crow: Aht lahst he undahstahnds de powah ahv de SPERMINATOR!
Tom: Crow!
Crow: Ah'll be bahck.

Scott=D5s Car
L: ...and, of course, the stoner and the cheerleader fall in love. Like
that would happen in real life.
S: Opposites never attract?
L: Well, we=D5re not exactly alike.

Tom: They're making this up as they go along, aren't they?
Crow: (Announcer voice) Good evening, and welcome to an Evening
at =09 the Simprov!

S: We like the same music, same movies. Remember...remember when we
admitted that we both still watch speed demon on Saturday mornings. Can
two people share a deeper bond?

Crow: Only with shackles.

L: (giggle) I guess we=D5re stuck with each other.
S: I hope so.
L: I just wonder...
S: what?
L: I mean, I know we like the same tv, but...

Mike: What else is there?

S: There=D5s other stuff
L: what...made us more than friends?
S: Chemistry.

Crow: (As Laura) "So you *did* drug me! I *knew* it!"

L: Oh, come on.
S: You can=D5t pinpoint a formula. I=D5ts unknowable.
L: As far as I=D5m concerned, all chemistry is uknowable.
S: aaah...it=D5s a...magnetic thing.
L: Isn=D5t that physics?

Tom: Well, we've established there's no *chemistry*, at least.

S: *tsk* Do you trace every kiss to its neurological origin?
L: I might, if I could catch my breath...What do you think about?
S: How different it feels to be with you.

Crow: What are we doing?
Tom: Waiting for Godot.
Crow: Godot?

L: different?
S: better.
L: Sometimes I wish I=D5d kissed a few frogs before I met you, because
practice makes perfect and you...are perfect.

Mike: The uber-frog.

S: I=D5m just responding to you.
L: I=D5m responding to you.
S: I guess it is physics. Action and reaction. (kisses her)
L: physics is...pretty cool (kissing)

Tom: (Announcers voice) This public service announcement has
been =09 brought to you by the Council of American Teachers of
Physics!
Crow: COATOP!

Holidays
(Myrtle enters with Brad and Michael)
My: Dimitri! Dahlin=D5 What are you doing here? Wine cellar dry?

Mike: Meow.
Crow: Please, why *else* would anyone go to this dump?
Mike: Hey, it's a huge success. They all said so.

D: No, no, Myrtle, I=D5m just killing time waiting for a flight.
My: And...how=D5s Erica?
D: I=D5ll know that once I get to Seattle. I I I...uh assume she=D5s well=
=2E
I I I was suppose to be in the air by now, but they=D5re tinkering with the
landing gear...it doesn=D5t inspire much confidence. Yeah...well, look I=
=D5d
better check in with the airline, if you=D5ll excuse me. Guys.

Tom: There's never a private jet around when you need one.

My: Have a safe flight
Mi: See ya. (Mike takes Myrtle=D5s arm and Brad follows them to a table).
C=D5mon over here. Let=D5s sit down.
My: I haven=D5t seen Erica in...awhile, and....Dimitri does not go to
Seattle very often, and I don=D5t like what I see in his eyes.

Crow: What, those buggers in the corner?
=20
Mi: Uh oh! Look out! Madame Myrtle is open for business!
B: What do you see in my eyes?

Crow: (With a thick Eastern European accent) A burning desire
for a better =20
acting partner!

My: Oh no, you think I=D5m daft.
Mi: What, you? *Nev* er.
My: Well, if Dimitri wants to keep his own counsel, it would be rude of
me to interrupt

Mike: Yeah, Myrt, it's not like you're Brooke or anything.

Mi: If you want to go talk to him we can take a walk over there and...
My: No no no. You=D5re not getting rid of me that easily. It=D5s been to=
o
long, you two!
Mi: Yeah, I know. Where have you been hiding yourself?
My: Oh, my usual hot spots.

Crow: Leather bars.
Tom: The rifle range.
Mike: There's this cute little head shop on Front Street.

B: Well, you have been missed.
My: good!
Mi: Yeah! We need our touchstone in the boarding house around here.
My: Well, it wasn=D5t my idea to make a New Year=D5s resolution to neglect=
my
loved ones.

Tom: But who could blame you if it was?

Mi: I=D5m getting a little worried about you
My: Then don=D5t. I=D5m exploring the world!
Mi: You=D5re exploring the world? What? In your room by yourself? C=D5mo=
n,
Myrtle, you=D5re a people person! What=D5s all this introspection going on=
?
My: You may think I=D5m greedy, but I intend to make my life fuller and
richer, and that means starting from the inside out!

Crow: You thoughtless, thoughtless bitch!
Tom: How *dare* she!
Crow: She's not gonna do that on camera is she? If there's one
thing I =09 can'tsstand on TV, it's old people with lives.
Tom: Two words... Angela... Lansbury.
Crow: *Now* you've done it! (Begins to growl and snarl)

B: Ooh! You sound thunderstruck!
My: By way of north pole. You know, 1997 is going to be my best year.
Wait and see!

Christine "Couscous" Malcom-Dept. of Anthropology (cm...@kimbark.uchicago.ed=
u)
Indestructible Gouda Llama Woman, flying by
___________________________________________________________________________=
_
"Let the wild Rumpus start!" - Maurice Sendak